I sit in a room that is mine, but it doesn't really belong to me anymore. The photos, the décor, everything, reflects who I used to be. My mother has offered me a place in her heart again. I jumped at the opportunity of being loved again. All I long for is a little bit of love. I miss my baby. She was so beautiful. Truth be told, I never wanted to give her up. But I knew that I couldn't provide for my baby what she deserved. I'm only sixteen. She deserved better. I walk around my old bedroom. On my desk sits a picture of my happy family, my mother and father smiling, each with a hand on my and my sister's shoulder. It's all for show. A part of me wishes I could jump into the picture and rejoin that picture perfect family, the family where no one talked about their feelings, where it was all smiles all the time. I flip the picture down, hiding it from my eyes. I continue to walk around my bedroom. Everything is exactly where I left it the night I packed.
I sit down on the edge of my bed. I can't help but fight the tears that have been building up these last few days. My bed feels different, foreign even, like it doesn't even belong to me anymore. It's been untouched for nine months. I pull my knees up to my chest, hugging them tightly. I slowly rock myself, fighting the urge that I had become far to familiar with over the last few months. I fall asleep on top of the covers. It's the day before the start of the new school year. I thrashed about in my sleep all night only to wake up more tired then I was before I went to sleep a few hours previous.
I walk through the doors of what used to be my kingdom. Alone I walk down the crowded halls to my locker. I've become quite good at being invisible. It's then that I see them, Rachel and Finn, and I want to gag. I'm happy for Finn, I wronged him and he deserves happiness. Really he does, but Man Hands? Really? It's then that I decide I want to get my life back in order. I'll start with my reputation. What better way to get that back then to rejoin the cheerios. I know Coach Sylvester won't be happy to have me back but I've taken the liberty to find some pretty generous sponsors for the squad. She can't refuse me.
Now that I'm a cheerio again I need to let everyone know I'm back. I think I'll fight someone, let everyone know I mean business. I want people to be afraid of me. My brawl with my favorite frenemy, Santana, proves that I'm back and tougher and ever. I want people to be afraid to look at me. Mercedes follows me around like a little lap dog, it's pathetic, but I let her, after all she did to help me out over the past few months.
Being back on the cheerios has made me realize exactly what a baby does to your figure. I've never been such a fatty before. Coach Sue has given me till the end of the month to regain my pre baby figure.
School is slowly getting better, but I still don't have many friends, not that it bothers me. After skipping a few meals I'm slowly starting to shed my extra pounds. My mother has spiraled into a depression since my father remarried that tattooed freak when he got her pregnant. She doesn't bother to see if I actually eat the food she dishes out on my plate. At school it is even easier to not eat. The only tricky part is hiding it form Mercedes. I know she is starting to get suspicious. We've had a few fights. I don't deserve her friendship. I'm worthless and don't deserve much of anything.
Another fight with Santana has landed me in Miss Pillsbury's office. She's handed me an awkwardly titled pamphlet on how to control my anger. It's not my fault I'm so angry. I left the office, assuring her the fights have come to an end, and headed back to what she assumed to be class. I signed myself out of school using a fake note I forged. I drive in the brand new car my daddy bought me, trying to buy my love like always, to the drug store. I purchase some razor blade refills. I spend the better part of the afternoon taking apart the blades and taping the edges. I put them in my jewelry box, just incase I ever need them.
My life sucks. I've pushed away everyone. I don't deserve happiness. I'm glad it's winter. We get to wear long sleeves under our uniforms. They hide the marks of my secret pain. I have spent the better part of my day in Miss P's, we are now on familiar terms, office. She has taken a "special" interest in me. She tries to extract the truth from me. I just smile and tell her nothing is wrong. I'm an excellent liar.
I find myself sitting on the counter in my bathroom, a razor blade in my hand, staring at the mirror. Tears are streaming down my face. The person in my mirror is yelling at me, telling me how ugly I am, how fat I am, how I don't deserve anything. I believe it. My phone rings in the bedroom. I check the caller I.D. before I answered it. It's Mercedes; she's worried about me. I tell her everything is fine and to mind her own business. I go back into my bathroom, lift up my shirt exposing my fair skin. I take the razor blade in my hand and guide it across my stomach, watching the red liquid ooze from my flesh. I cringe and drop the blade in the sink. Grabbing at my stomach I reach for one of my red towels, pressing it to my cut.
It's April and I'm still wearing long sleeves under my cheerio's uniform. I get called down to Miss P's office. She asks me how everything is. I tell her everything is fine, we play our little game, but this time when I get up to leave she grabs my hand. Telling me I'm going to be okay. She doesn't know anything.
May was particularly hard. I got kicked off the cheerios my reputation was fading. Santana found me in the hall and we got into a fight, I didn't have the energy to fight back. I was back where I had started in September, but this time it was worse. I had no one, absolutely no one. This little tizzy lands me back in Miss P's office. She said she thought the fights were over. I loose it, I stand up and roll up my sleeve, showing her the scars on my arm. I ask her if this is what she wanted. I lift my shirt up showing her the cuts on my stomach, tears streaming down my face. Her expression changes from appalled to concerned in record time. She gets up from behind her desk and does something I would have never expected her to do. She wraps her arms around me and holds me close. I'd forgotten what human contact felt like. I sink into her embrace, letting my tears fall freely. It's over now, finally over.
Okay I know this is a touchy subject. Please don't review if you are going to bash. I had some writers block while working on The Lining is Silver. This came to me from a personal experience.