So, I got this idea from Jamie and me, and our recent experiences. You see, even though school just started for us, we both have been fucking miserable. Very miserable. So, I got this idea. Yayy. Aha.
This is dedicated to Fallen Crystal Moon, who guessed close enough who Jamie was (She guessed sister, she's my cousin, but we're close enough to be sisters, I swear) Love you Raven ^^
Disclaimer: I don't own, so bleh
!WARNING! Suicide Attempt, Depression, Angst, Mad AU and Slash.
x~x~x~x~x~x
It had started like a normal day for Ryou. He had made Malik get up to take him to school, promising in return to make breakfast for him, and also promising many, many kisses. Although he had been a little sleepy, he was sure that school wouldn't be too bad. But, as we well know how these things work, it just made it about ten times worse. To start with, he didn't have any friends at school. Oh, sure he knew people, but not well enough to say they were his friends. Malik, Marik and Bakura had graduated the year before, so he was basically alone. It was one of the things that irritated him the most. Here he was in his senior year, all alone. Regardless, he had decided to make the best of the year. However the best laid plans often don't work out the way you wish them too, but Ryou hadn't figured it would be this bad. He didn't really go to a big school, so the pool for choosing friends was a little small. That too could be over looked, if it weren't for how many little freshman came this year. One thing he couldn't stand at all were freshman who thought they were amazing as all hell. But even worse then the freshman were the other seniors. They seemed not to care that they needed to graduate. All they seemed to care about was talking in class, and distracting everyone with their, 'Oh, look at me' ways.
It nearly killed Ryou to have to listen to them chatter. And he didn't have anyone to turn to, to put his head on their shoulder, or to pass notes to, to keep him sane. All he had was his phone, and that wouldn't do him too much good, seeing as anyone he could text would either be sleeping, or working. He had to look at the hard truth of the situation - He was alone. It was only fourth period, and Ryou was already ready to rip out his hair. Art was supposed to be soothing, but this was anything but. All the kids in the class were pretty good at art, but Ryou wasn't that good. Nor was he fast at it. So, when he saw how far along some of the other students were, it made his feel a little inferior. And it tended to leave a bad taste in his mouth when he thought about it. If that were the only thing, he thought he could deal. But the maturity level of these brats astounded him. He had always been told how mature he was for his age, but never thought much about it. Compared to these kids though, he had the maturity of an elderly man with all his wits still with him. Next period wasn't so bad, if you didn't count the assholes that he shared the class with. It was the period after that, that had him going nuts. Gym. Just the word sent shivers down his spine. He hated it. Gym was always loud, and he didn't trust any of these kids with a ball, more then he'd trust himself with one. He was a bit lucky in the fact that he was allowed to merely walk around the gym to get his credit instead of playing with the hooligans that he was forced to call classmates. Once gym was over, it was time for lunch, which he always ended up spending alone at a table, looking at everyone else laughing with their friends. He did have some fun making fun of them in his head however.
It was his last period class that really got him. Healthy living and lifeskills, with a bunch of idiots, potheads, and nymphos. That always made for a good combination, he was sure. The class rarely got all their work done, as the teacher would always have to stop and wait for the kids to settle down and shut up. After the first week of school, Ryou had decided that he'd listen to his iPod whilst doing his work. But it didn't help much. There was only so much music could cover up while not being too loud. He was ready to punch someone, and he was one of the most mild mannered boys ever. That didn't stop him from grinding his teeth in a rage, or stop his stomach from cramping painfully. He was overly happy about the fact that he was able to get out of school a period early. Walking back to the house he shared with his friends normally calmed him down. But this wasn't a normal day. By the time he got home, he hadn't been able to let go of his anger. All month long, he had been able to lie, and say everything was fine at school, and that he loved it. Not wanting to worry anyone was more important to him then telling a lie. But today was different. Bakura and Marik were able to see something was wrong with Ryou the minute he walked through the door. And being concerned friends, they asked him about it, not expecting the answer they got.
"WHATS WRONG! YOU HAVE THE NERVE TO ASK ME WHATS WRONG? SHOVE IT UP YOUR FUCKING ASS AND LEAVE ME ALONE!" And with that, Ryou ran to the room he shared with Malik, and locked himself in. He couldn't take it anymore. He was scared of having a nervous breakdown. He'd never felt like this before, and didn't know how to handle it. He didn't mean to yell at his friend,s, who he knew were trying to be nice, even though they tended to be the complete opposite. But he was so close to his breaking point, and didn't know how to stop it. How could he tell his friends he was slowly being driven insane by the kids at school? They didn't know they were doing it, they weren't out to purposely make him wish he were dead. How would he explain to Malik that he felt sick to death of everything? That the only thing that kept him sane was the love they shared? He knew Malik would feel like he had to try and fix the problems Ryou was having, but Ryou knew that was an almost impossible feat. Collapsing on the bed that hadn't yet been made, Ryou let out a scream in the mattress, followed by a sigh. It hadn't helped him at all, seeing as he still felt pretty shitty. Out in the living room, Bakura and Marik shared a look, but kept quiet.
x~x~x~x~x~x
A few hours later, Malik finally came home. He hated college and work. It left him little time to spend with friends and do other things. But, he was glad that he was able to spend time with Ryou. That little bit he was grateful for. Walking into the house, he expected to hear a lot of noise, seeing as Marik and Bakura took night courses at college. But all that met him was the nearly silent talking, which sounded like it was coming from the TV . He almost expected the two of them to be naked on the couch, but they were fully clothed when he walked in. Bakura was cuddled up to Marik, obviously in a lovey mood, and they were quiet.
"Er...is something wrong?" Malik asked, causing the other boys to jump. They hadn't heard Malik come in. They looked at each other before jumping off the couch.
"Yeah. Your boyfriend's gone nuts. He flipped out on the two of us, for asking him what was wrong. Be careful if you decide to talk to him. He's in your room." Marik said in a rush, before both he and Bakura damn near bolted out the door to do who knows what. Malik raised his eyebrow, but brushed off their warning. He walked quickly to the room he shared with the white haired boy, and opened the door. Ryou was sleeping, with his headphones in. Even from the doorway Malik could see the tear tracks on his beloveds face. 'Maybe Marik was right...' Walking over to the bed, He gently started to shake his lover. When his doe brown eyes finally opened, Malik could see they were still a little glassy.
"Baby, what's wrong?" Malik's voice was so filled with concern, Ryou broke into tears again. The egyptian man's eyes nearly bugged out of his head. "Ry, why are you crying? What happened?" Malik pulled his lover into a tight hug, letting the smaller boy cry into his shoulder. He whispered sweet nothings into Ryou's white hair, hoping to calm the boy down. Just when he lost hope that he'd find out what was wrong, Ryou began to tell him everything.
"They all drive me to the brink of insanity and back! Malik, I can hardly take it. I have no friends, and I'm tired of feeling left out. When we do group projects, I always work alone. No one talks to me, and almost all the other students are so stupid. This girl..., she didn't even know how to spell chicken.(1)! And I can't take it! My last period class leaves me wanting to pull my hair out! It feels like everyone is in on this great big joke, and I'm the only one left out. I just don't know what to do anymore! I didn't mean to yell at Marik and Bakura. But I couldn't stop it." Ryou was sobbing even harder at the end of his rant, and Malik was truly getting afraid. His boyfriend was freaking out in front of him, and he didn't know what to do about.
"Ryou...What can I do? Please, I'd do anything in the world for you, you know that baby." Malik said, stroked Ryou's hair, making him lay his head back down on the tanned shoulder. Not knowing what to do for the other boy was killing Malik, and knowing that Ryou hadn't bothered to tell anyone about this before was hurting him even more.
"There isn't anything you can do Malik. I wish you could...but you can't. Believe me, I've thought a million times about how to make this better, and nothing seems to be jumping out and saying 'Oh, this'll make it all better'."Ryou could feel himself becoming drained from all the crying. "Right now, all I want to do is sleep, if you don't mind..." Ryou knew how much it made Malik's day to spend time with him, so he felt a little selfish asking for this, but he felt about ready to pass out. Malik just gave him a sad smile and nodded. He brought them both down on the bed to lay, and held tightly to Ryou. After nearly half an hour, both of them were asleep. Ryou woke up before Malik did, close to eight at night. Sighing to himself, Ryou got up and made his way down to the kitchen. It was a little late, but he'd still make dinner. Marik and Bakura would be back in an hour or two, and would probably be hungry. When Malik woke up, he'd make him eat as well. He was hoping everyone would ignore his outburst earlier. It would make life easier on him. Heading back to his room quickly, he grabbed his iPod and went back into the kitchen, deciding to make something fairly simple. Looking through the cupboards, he found some boxed food he only needed to add hamburger to and cook. Before setting about on his task, he turned his iPod on, and flipped through the songs. He stopped on a song he'd only listened to once or twice. Malik had added it, and he hadn't really thought much about it. But listening to it now, a wry smile crossed his face.
Don't get in my face
Don't invade my space
I'll put you in your place
I'll only tell you once
I'll never tell you twice
And this is me being nice
You cross me once and you'll see
It's like a match in gasoline
Gasoline
'Cause I'm highly flammable
A caged up animal
I will go off on you
You better take it back
I'm about to snap
I will go off on you, oh
When it's your turn
You'll get your lesson learned
You'll be blister burnt
My adrenaline
Is going to do you in
I'm seeing red again
You cross me once and you'll see
It's like a match in gasoline
Gasoline
'Cause I'm highly flammable
A caged up animal
I will go off on you
You better take it back
I'm about to snap
I will go off on you, oh
I'm highly flammable
A caged up animal
I will go off on you
Better take it back
I'm about to snap
I will go off on you
Ooh, ooh, ooh
Ooh, ooh, ooh
You cross me once and you'll see
It's like a match in gasoline
Gasoline
'Cause I'm highly flammable
A caged up animal
I will go off on you
You better take it back
I'm about to snap
I will go off on you, oh
I'm highly flammable
A caged up animal
I will go off on you
Better take it back
I'm about to snap
I will go off on you
Ooh, ooh, ooh
Ooh, ooh, ooh
I wil go off on you
I'm highly flammable
A caged up animal
I will go off on you
He only wished he had the balls to be like that. Sighing again, he got started on dinner. An hour later and he was done, and letting it cool. A loud bang announced that Bakura and Marik were now home. Letting his best smile cross his face, he got the plates out of the cupboard, and set the table. Bakura peeked his head through the doorway and stared at Ryou, almost expecting him to go off on them again.
"Can you go wakeup Malik please, and tell him that dinner is done?" Ryou asked Bakura pleasantly, and set about dishing dinner out. Bakura nodded and did as he was asked. Malik came down, and nearly asked Ryou how he was fairing. But he seemed better, so Malik let it slide, vowing to keep his eye on the boy from now on.
x~x~x~x~x~x
It was another month before the intensity of Ryou's feelings were flowing off the charts again. He felt like everyone was staring, and laughing at him. Malik could see how it was bothering him, even though neither of them talked about it. So, he resolved to find a way to help. And he felt pretty satisfied with himself when he figured out the perfect way.
After a long weekend, Ryou was very hesitant to go to school. But he knew he had no choice in the matter, and did so anyway. Malik dropped him off, like everyday, and he sighed deeply He wished Malik could go in with him, but didn't want to say anything like that, least his lover think him silly. So, he was a little surprised when Malik wrapped an arm around him, and walked with him into the school.
"Malik, what are you doing?" Ryou felt so very lost.
"Well, you see, I got a job here. I work in the office, being everyone's bitch pretty much." Malik answered back smoothly.
"But...I thought you loved your old job at Phase I.D.(2)?" Ryou prodded.
"I did. I still have it too. I'll only work weekends there now though. For the weekday, I work here until you get out, and then go to school myself. " Ryou felt his eyes well up with tears, and hugged his boyfriend tightly. "I wanted to be there for you, and short of just coming back completely, this is the most I could do." Malik finished, hugging him back.
"I love you. ." The white haired one said.
"And I love you too, with all my heart. Shall we go in before we're both late?" Malik asked, to which Ryou nodded. He was grateful, and he thought things would get better.
x~x~x~x~x~x
Things did get better for a while, until people began to notice Malik in the office. More specifacally until girls began to notice. And then things got even worse. They all found ways to see him, and flirt with him. Ryou didn't want to say anything, didn't want Malik to know he knew. But now he was afraid of losing the love of his life., He'd always taken for granted the thought that Malik would always be there, and now he was terrified. A part of him knew Malik wouldn't leave him, but that was only a small part. A larger part kept whispering that he was going to lose him, and he'd be left alone. He kept thinking that he'd be forced to go back to live in his fathers house, and he wasn't too thrilled. His father was always away on business, so he'd be left alone.
He got himself so worked up into what could happen, he didn't even realize that he was being silly, and that Malik loved him. So, on a night when no one was home, after an extremely stressful day, Ryou decided to end it. He couldn't stand it anymore. His thoughts, his peers, and life was driving him insane. Walking intothe bathroom in a near trance, he picked up a razor he'd never had to use before, and broke it so that he could use one of the blades on it. Putting it against his arm, he dragged in from the inside of his wrist to his elbow. He watched as his skin parted, and watched as the blood swelled up. Shaking his gaze off that, he did the same to the other arm. Smiling in satisfaction, he slid down to the floor to await the darkness he assumed would accompany death. Closing his eyes, he let himself drift off from the blood lose, not knowing that Malik was coming through the front door.
Malik, for his part, had to stop himself from passing out when he saw the blood. Grabbing Ryou, he ran to the garage to get the rarely used car they had. Going as fast as he possibly could, he made it to the hospital and burst through the doors. A nurse saw Ryou in his arms, and took charge, getting him into see a doctor to get stiched up. Malik allowed himself to pass out once he knew Ryou would be taken care of.
x~x~x~x~x~x
Two hours later, an hour after Malik had woken up, Ryou did the same. Looking around, he was astounded to see himself in the hospital, and not where he would have gone had he died. Malik saw Ryou's eyes open, and called for a nurse. One came in and took Ryou's vitals. She also had to tell Ryou he'd be staying for a while, under observation, until they could figure out what wrong.
"Nothings wrong with me!" He shouted, wishing he could use his arms more freely to throw something
"Yes something is! Ryou, you tried to kill yourself!" Malik shouted back. "Please! Stay here so they can help you get better!" Ryou whimpered, but he nodded anyways. He hated when Malik yelled. The nurse had backed out of the room silently, trying to be tactful. "I was so scared when I came home, and there you were, laying in the bathroom surrounded by blood. I almost passed out from the fear I felt. I don't know what I'd do without you baby." Malik whispered, hugging Ryou carefully. Bursting into tears, Ryou hugged Malik back.
"I love you."
x~x~x~x~x~x
Three weeks later, Ryou walked out of the hospital. He'd stayed, and had let the doctors care for him, and help him figure out what was wrong. According to them, he had MDD. Or, as most people call it, depression. They'd talked to him thoroughly the first two weeks before telling him the diagnoses. The last week he'd been there, they'd put him on pills, and had set him up with a counseling service to moniter him. Malik had stood by him through it all. Through all his tears, and fits of rage at having been locked up in the hospital. And now, he was ready to face the world again. He knew he could get better. He also knew he had to try at it as well.
Malik, Bakura and Marik were waiting for him as he walked out of the hospital doors, and he ran to them, giving them all hugs. He was going to make sure his life did a 360. No matter what happened, he would, and he would succeed.
x~x~x~x~x~x
Yay for stupid endings.
1- Sadly enough, a true story. She spelled it like this: chiken.
2- Imagine Hot Topic, only about ten times more goth.
The song I used is Gasoline by Porcelain and the Tramps
So, yeah. Almost everything at the beggining of this was directly ripped out of my life the past few weeks. That's how shitty things have been for me. So, seeing as I don't have a Malik or pills to make me feel better, how about some reviews? They'd make my soul sing with happiness!
I might make a fic that goes more deeply into Ryou's accounts at the hospital. If I do, you must keep in mind that it might be a little outdated, seeing as it's been several years since I was there.
Oh, here's a little angstshipping fluff to offset all the angst I just shoved down your throats...haha
It was a cool, crisp night, almost a little spooky. The kind of night that made you think of Halloween. Ryou and Malik were enjoying the silence it provided, as they walked around. They tried to be quiet, but how can you be in love and be quiet? They had only gotten together a few days ago and were still basking in the romance a new relationship brings. Malik was thrilled everytime he was able to pull his boyfriend close and kiss him. It thrilled Ryou as well, even if it was just a simple chaste kiss.
The two boys made their way to the park by Ryou's house, trying to keep their giggles at bay, because they could see that most houses were dark. Making their way to the swings, Malik had Ryou sit in one before starting to push him. Ryou could feel the smile on his face growing bigger with each push. His hair was swishing out behind him, catching the moonlight, which Malik thought was absouletly breathtaking. After a few pushes, he stopped the swing to hold Ryou against his body. He almost crushed the boy to him, but Ryou didn't mind it. In fact, he loved it with every fiber of his being. A kiss was pressed to the top of his head, making his smile grow so wide it hurt his face.
"I love you."
"And I love you."
And now that my wrist is killing me, I think I'll stop. I hope you all enjoyed, even though I'm fully aware this isn't the best thing I've ever done.