A/N I got this idea from IHateJacob, thanks for it! BTW if you have any ideas for a funny oneshot that you don't know how to write or don't have time to, let me know I could always use some new ideas and you will of course be given credit. Aren't I nice?

Disclaimer- I own nothing, be sad for me.

EmPOV

"God, Edward's going to be mad at me for this, thankfully, Edward isn't here, and what Edward doesn't know won't hurt him." I thought to myself.

I was here all alone babysitting Bella while everybody else was out hunting when I started to wonder if anybody had ever explained about the birds and bees to her, I mean, I'm pretty sure she's a virgin and I'm POSITIVE Edward is, so he wouldn't be any help come their honeymoon in two weeks.

I looked up at the clock, 3pm; Bella should have just finished her shift at the Newton's store and be on her way over.

"Well, I better get ready to talk to her." I thought just as I heard her truck coming up the driveway.

She walked up the porch stairs and in the back door.

"Emmett?" Bella called out.

"I'm in the living room!" I shouted back.

"Hey Emmett, what's up?" She asked as she walked, smiling, into the living room.

"Nothing really Bella, but I do need to talk to you about something really important." I replied seriously.

Her face dropped, "What is it?" She asked concerned.

I motioned for her to sit down across from me, when she had I started;

"Well Bella, Edward and you are going to get married in two weeks and with a wedding comes a honeymoon and with a honeymoon comes something else…" I said awkwardly.

"Emmett, what are you talking ab-" She questioned before I cut her off.

"Bella, sweet, innocent Bella," I said shaking my head, "When a man loves a women they, well they…"

"Stop right there! I know what you're going to say and it's completely unnecessary." She interjected.

"It is not unnecessary! I'm pretty sure you have no experience in this department and I KNOW Edward doesn't, he's the most sexually repressed vampire in the universe!" I practically shouted.

"EMMETT! I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU JUST SAID THAT!" Edward yelled, wait, when did he get home?

"A few seconds ago." He said answering my thoughts, stupid mind reading, sexually repressed vampire.

"You really need to stop that if you don't want me to hurt you."

"Fine." I huffed.

Bella walked over to Edward and asked, "What are you doing home, your eyes are still dark?"

"Alice had a vision of Emmett making very crude demonstrations with a banana and a cantaloupe." Edward replied while shooting me a disapproving look.

"Banana and cantaloupe?" Bella questioned raising an eyebrow.

"Trust me you don't want to know, it would scar you for life."

"Only because you're sexually repressed." I thought. Whoops!

"Emmett!" Edward roared.

With that I was out the door and halfway to Canada.

A/N Okay, you read it, so now review it! It will make my day!