The World According to Panchito Pistoles

Theme Song for this series: "Coming of Age" by Foster the People

(It's on YouTube if you want to listen to it.)

Topic #1: Everything Wrong With Valentine's Day

Sad Day and Sweetheart Candies:

Valentine's Day is stupid.

Essentially, it's a time for you and your amour to publically announce your love for each other, but that's not why this 'holiday' is stupid. It's stupid because has anyone ever thought about the single people?

They don't get a day to themselves, oh wait, they do, and you know what day that is? Sad Day.

Sad Day. Wow, what a sad, boring, and unappreciative title. Sad Day, it's just...sad.

Really, it stands for Single Awareness Day. It's also on Valentine's Day. Guess what I am right now? Fucking single. I don't get a card, I don't get a box of chocolates or those disgusting chalk candies that are probably toxic to the body that profess your 'love'. I really have a Sad Day.

Seriously, what's in those things? Is it acid? Arsenic? Some type of weird LSD that the hipsters have come up with? We don't know. And if you say that you do, then you really don't. If you say that they are made with love, then you are retarded. Really? It's the most cheesy piece of shit I've ever eaten. If your love for me comes in a little purple heart shaped PIECE OF CHALK then just take a picture of the damn thing cause I don't want it and basically if you do send me one of those, then you must want me to die or experience fifteen seconds of chalk filled horror. Repeat: NO CHALK CANDY. Let me explain:

When I eat this candy with the 'I Love You' and the 'Be Mine' on it, I get that awful taste in my mouth. You know what it tastes like? Chalk. You know, the stuff that you draw with on the sidewalk and on blackboards (or used to back in my day, you know when you actually learned shit in school), that stuff tastes like my tire, I know that tires are rubber, and that rubber is not the same consistency of chalk, but the feeling is just as horrible, you know why? Because IT'S CHALK. But I think I figured it out. I think I figured out why this stuff is horrible. It's not just the fact that it tastes like chalk, it's the fact that it's made by the same company who came out with the biggest failure in human history. Necco Waffers. Otherwise known as: The Sidewalk Candy Company. Moving on to chocolates.

Chocolate:

Chocolate, my favorite Valentine's Day gift. I have no problem with this.

Cards:

Cards are written by seven year olds with no capacity to form a sentence. "I Love You" and "Hope You Have a Good Valentine's Day" are nice and sweet and all but please people, come up with some romantic from your corazón. It doesn't have to be some lame speech that you copied from the Glee script, or a even lamer love ultra cliché speech from a Disney Channel show.

I know that they are ultra cliché because I work there and these people can't write anything meaningful. Cookie cutter. That's what we are, a cookie cutter company who makes the same show with the same characters who have the same dialogue but just call it by a different name: Austin and Ally, Good Luck Charlie, A.N.T. Farm (really?), and Jessie (the worst idea ever with the worst theme song ever. Seriously, it was written by a six year old. That's what we're reduced to people, if you love me at all, which I hope you do, you would save me from this hellhole.)

We should just change our name to Kebbler. I wonder if that elf is hiring?

Love Songs:

My advice for my English speaking amigos is pick any song in Spanish.

Here's why:

1. It's a Romance Language (meaning that you could be cussing somebody out, but it would still sound beautiful and romantic, I know because that's how I got married).

2. If the other person speaks English and you sing a song in Spanish, you can pretty much say afterwards that it was about 'my ultimate love for you' when really it was about beer or something like that and they will believe you. They're not going to take time to fact check you because it's Spanish, the world's most sexiest language (I'm biased okay, sue me).

3. If they do fact check you, you better make sure it's a love song.

4. Rose + Spanish Guitar (you want to be authentic) + Any Spanish Song with a Spanish Guitar that involves you having to do long vowels (a, e, i o, u, y)= insert whatever you want here.

If you do happen to go for something original, say, like me, then you can be cheesy. If that person really loves you, then they will take whatever they can get.

Go for the love song!

If you need a best man, call Jose, you know what, he's more qualified to do this, he's Brazilian and knows about this stuff. He is a marriage counselor after all. Hey José!

José: Si?

Can you do this?

José: Do what?

I'm trying to tell people all the stuff that's wrong about Valentine's Day.

(José, who was visiting me anyway, walks over to computer screen and looks at what I have so far)

José types:

Valentine's Day does not require anything else but love. That's basically what it is. It's not a stupid holiday, it's just a holiday that is overcomplicated, thereby making it 'stupid'. Don't overdo it. A card, a box of chocolates, a nice dinner all that will be fine. Don't overspend either. You don't need to go to Olive Garden. A taco place will be fine. If you're single, then follow Panchito's advice (which is pretty good) just don't overdo it. And ONLY get down on the knee and produce the gold on ONE CONDITION ONLY: Please make sure that both of you are ready. There's nothing worse than proposing and getting a rejection on Valentine's Day because you decided to be a wolf and go for it when she (or he, women can propose too) isn't ready.

Also, don't watch Blue Valentine, it's depressing but, it can be used as a "What Not to Do" guide for people who are married or people who are considering it.

Thank you José.

José: No problem.

I wanted to talk about dating, but José just covered it.

I want to mention one more subject that I see happen every Valentine's Day:

The Rom-Com Cliches:

Your life, your romance, is not The Notebook. No matter how much you want it to be, it's not. Let me explain:

If you have one of those best friends who are just weird, and make jokes about your relationship because they are in love with your girlfriend too. That's called a love triangle, however, it's often known in the film business as the Quirky BFF. If you are a journalist (or work) and fall in love on the job then this is called the Rom-Com movie. Do you often walk in the rain after a fight with your amour? Do you cry, eat ice cream, listen to depressing music? Then you are having a lonely montage. Watch every single Rom-Com ever. There is one in there. Please do not, for the sake of us all, follow your amour to their house with a boombox, showing up at their door, and being a stalker, will have you singing "What Was I Thinking?" in five minutes. Do you have a relationship where your lover doesn't support you and you feel like that you need to have a moment? Really, talk please. If you actually believe that you can live in say, New York City, and run into the same person, i.g. your lover, every single day and as the days go by have a relationship then you are living in the Coincidence Cliche. You are not in Lost in Translation. You are most likely a miles away from each other and see each other every so often maybe a few times every few weeks but not a few times every week. Be realistic here people. Another thing is that the rain does not make your relationship better. Every single Rom-Com does this. Kissing in a lighting storm is just stupid- you get wet, you get cold, hypothermia, ammonia, the list goes on people. If you do have to kiss, then do it inside. The mad dash is common in Rom-Com's too. You know, your fiancee is getting married to someone that she/he shouldn't and you, realizing your love for them, run ALL THE WAY TO THE CHURCH to stop the wedding and appear exhausted, sweaty, and out of breath to confess the ultimate cheese fest. If you really loved the person, then you would A) Be the groom or bride. B) Don't be an asshole to cause the mad dash in the first place. C) Exercise if the rare occasion does happen. The Final Realization is the one where you realize that you love the person that you've always hated your entire life. If there's another person involved, then you are really living in a Rom-Com.

I blame Nicholas Sparks. He basically writes the same book anyway and fills teenage girl's heads with unrealistic and cliche plot lines about love and this and that. I'm not saying that you can't live in a Rom-Com, but if you don't want your relationship to end like Blue Valentine, then get your head out of the clouds people.

(I got those cliches from watchmojo. com by the way for any of you who are interested)

So, I hope you guys enjoy this semi-stupid holiday.

Happy Valentine's Day

For those of you who are single, Happy Sad Day. Don't make it sad! Nobody has to be alone!

:)

Adios Amigos,

Panchito

Thanks for reading this first entry in a new comedy series: "The World According to Panchito Pistoles" which focuses on his opinions on just about everything.

By the way, the Rom-Com cliches I did get from watching a YouTube video: "Top 10 Romantic Comedy Cliches" on the watchmojo . com channel. Check it out.

Happy Valentine's Day.