Steven

I know I have no right to contact you, to suddenly out of the blue come back into your life and throw it off course.

I've been sat here for days thinking about the best way to do this and whether I should really do it at all. A part of me says leave him be, this is how you decided this would go, no contact leaving you alone to get on with your life, a life I no longer deserved a place in. One where I hoped that you were happy. But the other voice the one that is just a little bit louder and makes my heart beat a little stronger says I can't leave you alone, that if there is just a small chance of seeing you again take it.

You see I told myself I did what I did for you, gave you back your freedom not be brought down by me, my life and the things that I have done. I convinced myself I did it for Love, your Love. But we both know that is no truth, I did it out of my own selfishness to keep the little bit of sanity I had left intact, I did it for me.

I thought I could be strong take what was coming to me, repent for all I had done and God I wanted to, the things I had done Steven , kept on doing to you, I would gladly serve any sentence they gave me just to put that right. When it came down to it when they shut that prison door every part of me was screaming to see you, to touch you to hold you, to kiss you one final time, but I knew if I let that happen I would never be able to let you go and would tie you to me forever.

So yes I did it for me. I refused any visiting order you requested not to save you from a life of prison, of having twenty minutes a week with me, but to save me from having to watch you walk away every single time. Your letters, God your letters, every week they brought them to me, I would hold each one delicately in my hand and touch it to my heart, convinced it brought me closer to you. I couldn't read them, I couldn't stand to hear how your life was without me, a much better life I was sure, with Leah and Lucas and maybe in time someone who loved you, all the things I told myself I wanted for you but never really did, if it wasn't a life I was living with you. You see I had to send everyone back, for me, but know this Steven each one I kissed in the hope that kiss would reach you and bring with it my love.

I wasn't meant to live on that balcony that night, I don't know if you know that, if it's something you worked out, knowing you and how you know me I think that's another heartbreak I am responsible for bringing to your door.

Once I had come to accept that this was the life I had stretching out before me I thought I was ready to serve my time. But reality is always something different. You know me Steven you know how I hate prison, how it eats away at me and adds to my nightmares.

You see I became an issue to them, somewhere around year two, I think I gave up, I honestly thought I couldn't do this anymore. Everything was becoming black like the days before you brought light into my life. Every waking hour I could feel your loss, my heart just too heavy. Every night the nightmares just became unbearable, him, Cheryl, Danny, Nana, you. I really thought I was losing my mind.

Turns out they really don't want that sort of thing on their watch. The governor gave me a choice solitary for my own safety or see the prison shrink, as you can guess neither option appealed to me, but even I knew I couldn't do solitary. She was nice the prison shrink, reminded me a little of Lyndsey, not that that had any effect on me in the beginning, patience of a saint sitting with me for one hour a week in stone cold silence. But she was clever, didn't give up, she would have given you a run for your money in the stubborn stakes, but somehow after weeks of nothing she got to me, said she would help me in any way she could I think my words were somewhere along the lines of "really doctor, so exactly how do you think you can get me out of here, because right now that is about all that can possibility help me". I was expecting a standard authority response of I'm responsible for being here blah blah blah, but no she surprised me and asked me if that was a possibility? Is there some reason why I shouldn't be here? In all my life I never thought a shrink would be able to help me, but she did and she, Dr Wright, is the reason I chose to change that path I thought I was on and take this one, one I very much hope leads me back to you.

What you need to know is I got help, I talked, tore myself apart and let her in, you see she was clever with me the more she got to know me, made me understand that sessions with her could lead me back to you, see you have always been my weakness.

I don't know if you knew this, I got thirty years for Seamus, good behaviour maybe out in twenty two, but as I told her my story she started to make me believe that I could get my sentence changed, with her reports the courts would look at diminished responsibility. When I started this I really did want to make everything right, be punished for everything, but when you see a little bit of light after two years of hell you'd be a fool not to try and grab onto it. Dr Wright built me up to believe, but I knew in my heart I couldn't do this anymore, no matter how much hurt I had caused, how much pain I wanted to save you and Cheryl any sentence, no matter how small was too much.

I come to understand that I was still letting that man infect my life, I thought I was saving him having anything of Cheryl, but in reality it was him pulling my strings making me give up my life, give up you, be nothing of the man I could be. I had to change that.

So I gave in, I made Cheryl give them the flash drive of Walkers, said I would keep her name out of it, I used my new found status as psychologically damaged to make them think I didn't see who shot him, that I was in too much of a state, and that I wasn't thinking clearly that night on the balcony and when interviewed. The irony is he did save me after all. The court threw out my case, said I was deeply traumatised by the years of abuse my father had put me through and in no fit state to have been questioned, with this new evidence and lack of any further evidence I was to be released immediately.

Steven, this is me here now, I am out, a free man. As I said I have sat here for days trying to work out what to do and the only thing I know is I did it for you, I got out for you, because I am a selfish bastard, one that cannot life his life without you. I need you Steven, I need to see you, to breathe the same air, to look into your eyes, to touch you, to hold you, to kiss you, to see your beauty and everything I love about you, your lashes, your smile, your pout, your perfection, even if it is for one last time. So I'm asking, I praying that you can forgive me this, can see a way in your heart to do this one last thing for me, be the bigger man I know that you are.

Can you do that Steven? Can I ask to see you again? Even if it just to tell me get lost and never darken your life again? I beg of you please.

I have sent you a ticket with this letter, I am hoping beyond hope that you will do what I ask. Will you me meet me in Dublin? That's where our life began and one way or another I think it's only right to either end it there or maybe, with hope, see if it can begin again.

I will understand if it's too much to ask, if you are happy in your life and that there is no place for me in it anymore that you have given up on me. I could never blame you for that.

I will be waiting for you on the Ha'Penny Bridge, our bridge, at 6pm next Sunday. I hope beyond any reason that you will meet me there and I can try to make your life good again.

Brendan