Kaidan,
Thank you. Thank you for reaching out to me. I'm sorry as well - when I saw you, alive and unharmed, my normally formidable "way with words" utterly abandoned me. I did a terrible job of trying to explain things, I don't blame you for not believing me…though I do wish you could have found your way through to trusting me a little, if only for a moment.
I am not on the side of Cerberus; I never will be. It is likely these communications are monitored, so I must leave it at that. Just know that I, too, am and will always be an Alliance marine, in my heart if not always in the uniform.
But I do need to explain. I promise I haven't been hiding from you, the Alliance or anyone else for the last 2 years. I did...die when the Normandy was attacked. Cerberus launched an operation, recovered my body from the planet's surface, and spent 2 years and the most cutting-edge tech in the galaxy "rebuilding" me, as it were.
I know, that sounds very Frankensteinian, but I swear to you I am the same person I ever was. I lost consciousness from an O2 leak as I hurtled towards Alchera's surface 2 years ago, and I woke up for the first time 17 days ago, with all my memories, my sense of self, all my...everything...exactly the same. Other than a bit of horror from asphyxiation that I can't quite shake, it was little different than going to sleep for the night and waking up the next morning.
So do I even remember that night before Ilos? For you it was 2 years ago; for me, less than 2 months.
God, if I close my eyes I can still feel you...the bedroom in this fake Normandy is close enough to the real one that when I lay in bed at night I can almost see you next to me...
Yes, it meant everything to me.
You need to know that the first thing I did once I had a ship under my control was go to the Citadel to look for you. Anderson stonewalled me. He convinced the Council to reinstate my Spectre status (at least I'm not an outlaw), told me there was little the Alliance could do to help me go after the Collectors, and refused to tell me where you were. So I started off on my mission, but I've always been looking for you.
I'm so sorry for the pain you went through after I died. I would never want you to go through that again, which is why I ask that, for now, this be the end of our communication. The mission I am undertaking is incredibly risky, and there's a good chance that my "resurrection" will turn out to be a temporary condition. We are working on finding a way through the Omega 4 Relay, to try to destroy the Collectors' base of operations. Not immediately - we are still working on a solution and putting together a team - a few weeks maybe? I will take every precaution available, but if there is a real chance to stop these attacks you know I have to try.
If I am successful and return safely, I will message you as soon as I can. If, however, I don't make it back, I would have you be happy. Live, and be happy. It's all I ever wanted for you.
Graceyn Shepard
Shepard,
Forget everything I said before. None of it matters. I love you. Do what you have to do, but live, and come back to me.
Kaidan