Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing although I wish I did, so don't sue me.
Author's Notes: This is the first GW fic taht I've written since Christmas.
I'll Never Be Clean Again!
By: Epyon Zero
"Not clean, not clean, NOT clean!" These two words reverberate through the mind of Heero Yuy as he crouched in the small bathroom retching. It had all happened at a party that Duo had thrown for some reason or another. Heero couldn't remember what it was for, but he went anyway, since it got Duo to stop pestering him, and if he didn't go Duo would've been sulky for a week or so.
He'd been there a half hour or so and it wasn't too bad. He'd had a conversation with Trowa and Wufei for a bit and then he'd ducked out when another of Duo's guests showed up. That 'other guest' was Relena Darlain, Heero's self appointed guardian angel, whom Heero personally thought of as his personal stalker. The girl had followed him around the world and beyond during the war and now she'd followed him to Duo's party. JOY!
Heading into one of the darker rooms, Heero found something to distract himself and stop thinking about hurting Duo for inviting Relena, and Relena for just being Relena. Picking up a glass he poured himself a nice tall glass of whiskey and sat down in the thick leather armchair next to him.
Forty-five minutes later Heero was nice and tingly when he felt a presence come into the room. It was Relena. Staggering to his feet Heero tried to leave but he didn't get far before he hit the floor. After a few seconds he felt two slim arms wrap around his waist and heard a light feminine grunt as Relena pulled him off the floor. Relena then said something his booze addled brain couldn't comprehend and then he felt something else, something soft.
Relena had kissed him, and in his drunken state any will he had to lay her out cold on the floor was gone. So his body did all the work wrapping arms around the girl and pulling her into the chair. Heero then became vaguely aware of the fact that there were two tongues in his mouth. Again being too drunk to care he responded by playing tag with this other tongue.
At this point in time Duo stuck his head in the door. Glancing around for Heero he noticed a very large shape in his chair. His favorite chair. Part of it was identifiable as Heero, the other was. . . Duo promptly left the room before he got ill or started to cry.
Lifting his head out of the toilet Heero finally began to heave dry. That meant that all of the booze was gone from his system. He still didn't feel clean though.
Going over to the sink he spent the next 10 minutes furiously brushing his teeth to get rid of any residual Relena taste in his mouth. He shuddered as he thought of what had happened. "I Kissed Relena, not only did I kiss her I FRENCH kissed her!" Again his mind recoiled from thinking of it. Putting down his toothbrush, which was flecked with blood from his gums, Heero noted he still had a funny taste in his mouth. Picking up a bottle of Listerine he downed the entire thing, barely feeling the pain from his raw gums. He still didn't feel clean though.
Grasping at his clothes he noticed that they smelled like perfume. Going into his room he took out the small vial of napalm he kept for emergencies. Going back to the bathroom Heero stripped, turned on the shower, tossed his 'soiled' garments into the wastebin. Dousing them in the napalm he watched as they burnt away any trace of the Relena smell. Getting in his shower Heero spent the next hour and a half scrubbing until his skin was pink and partially bleeding. Throwing on an old shirt that smelled like his Gundam, gunpowder and sweat Heero crawled into his bed, but his last thought was "I'll never be clean AGAIN!"
The End
Author's Notes: he he he. Did you folks like that. Methinks that all the anti-Relena fans did. If you didn't realize this fic was inspired by the scene in Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, when Ace finds out that Einhorn is a man. Following this will be the ONLY omake I will ever write that may he even slightly yaoi-oriented. It is also dedicated to two of my very dear friends(you know who you are!) Who worship GW Shounen-ai/yaoi.
Omake:
Sitting in his darkened apartment Duo was finishing off the bottle of whisky that Heero had started. He REALLY needed it. He'd seen his best friend, and perhaps to Duo a bit more, making out in his favorite chair. Well it wouldn't be his favorite anymore. Duo was considering burning the thing, cause every time he looked near it he kept picturing Heero and Relena. Not even caring for his image as Mr. Happy go-Lucky, Duo Maxwell, Shinigami, self-proclaimed God of Death cried himself to sleep.
Did you shounen-ai fan like that?? Methinks you did. Even if you didn't i know people who did Well here's something a bit more My style.
Omake 2:
Deep in an undisclosed location a young man sits at his keyboard, satisfied with having written his first GW fic in a while. All of a sudden there is a deep rumbling noise and the roof is torn off his roof. Looking up he sees the massive form of Evangelion Unit-01, its eyes ablaze with unholy fury.
Shinji: Get back to writing Eva! You have obligations!
Epyon: And what if I don't?
Shinji: *raises fist* I'll pound you flat!
Epyon: *blink *blink* try it *folds hands ala Gendo.*
Shinji: CRAP! Lets try plan #2
*Rei and Asuka walk in*
Epyon: What now?
Rei and Asuka: Epy-chan, please write some more *put on sad puppy dog faces*
Epyon: *blink* Yawn!
Asuka: Who is this guy!? He should he a writhing puddle of man by now.
Gendo: He studied well.
Epyon: You can all leave now or I won't write anything, period.
*all characters leave*
Epyon: MUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!
Epyon Zero