Prompt: After 6 months of dating Jac knows everything about Zosia but Zosia knows next to nothing about Jac. So Jac tells her everything. From when she was abandoned, left by her mother, what happened with Fran, everything. Up to the day they were trapped in her office by Ollie and forced to admit their feelings. The day she let herself love, finally. - HolbyCasualtyPrompts on tumblr.
Thank you to Elsaistherelifeonmars on tumblr for helping me to start this.
Hope you all enjoy it. I'm sorry if it's a little out of character, I've never written Zosia before and I've never written Jac not with Jonny so I'm not really sure what I'm doing. Sorry this is so long. It wasn't supposed to be. Thank you to my lovely friend Katie (OblivionOkay) for proof-reading this for me.
Zosia March sat at the nurses station on Darwin ward with her head in her hands, reflecting on the events that had happened that morning. Her and her girlfriend of six months, Jac Naylor, had ended up leaving the house separately despite being on the same shift, after having a big argument. They'd had various little bickers and squabbles before but this was their first major argument. Zosia didn't know how it started but she knew why it did. She had felt the way she did for about a month now and the anger and frustration had built. A familiar voice behind her snapped her out of her thoughts.
"Doctor March." She turned to face the owner of the voice, her girlfriend. "These scans were emailed to me, I believe they belong to your patient" Jac continued.
They hadn't seen each other since the argument so Zosia didn't know how things were going to be. She decided she was too angry and hurt to be professional. "Wow thank you for telling me. That's not something you're usually very good at" She spoke, her voice full of sarcasm.
Jac frowned at her, a little confused. "Excuse me? I'll always pass patient information on to the correct doctor"
"You know what I'm talking about Jac. I was trying to tell you earlier how it feels like you don't trust me, until you just walked out the house and drove off!" Zosia was shouting now but Jac remained calm. She hated showing emotions on the ward.
"Don't you dare talk to your senior like that! And it's Ms Naylor" She shot back, still remaining calm but Zosia could hear in her voice that she was angry.
She shook her head in disbelief. "My senior? Is that all you think you are?"
"My office, now" Was all Jac gave in reply before going back into her office. She waited for the junior to follow before shutting the door behind them. "Don't you ever talk to me like that on the ward again. When we are at work I am your boss, you are my junior. Nothing more. And junior doctors do not get to yell at me!" She roared, her calm exterior now well and truly gone.
"Fine" Zosia finally said after taking a minute to calm down. "If that's how it's going to be I can't do this."
Jac's face turned to one of shock and confusion. "What does that mean? Are you even in this relationship anymore?"
"It's hard to commit to someone you barely know" she snapped and that was when Jac realised Zosia was right.
The consultant's head dropped down so her face was hidden. "I'm sorry. I do trust you, of course I do. I'm so messed up Zosia, you'll probably be disgusted and want nothing to do with me if I tell you just how messed up I am" She said in almost a whisper.
Her face softened "No of course not. You know everything about me. You know about my parents, my ex's, my childhood, everything. I don't want to know about you so I can decide whether I want to be with you or not or to judge you in any way. I just want to know you so I can be there for you and understand you. Come here" She held her arms out for her.
Jac walked into the junior doctor's arms and she led her to the sofa and they both sat down. Jac leant her head on the other woman's chest and she ran her fingers through her ginger hair. "I…I don't know where to start. What do you want to know?"
"From the beginning. I want to know everything that you can tell me. Take your time its fine." She soothed.
"Ok the beginning." She took a deep breath to prepare herself. "I guess it started when a little girl was born. Her name was Jacqueline Burrows and her Mum. Well lets call her Paula because she doesn't deserve the word Mum. A few hours after Jacqueline was born, Paula walked straight out of the hospital, leaving her baby behind."
Zosia listened sensitively. "Jacqueline? That's you? Well of course it's you I've just never heard you call yourself that before. Sorry I'll shut up, carry on, what happened next"
"The doctors got hold of Paula and she came back after they told her they'd give her all the help, support and more importantly benefits, she needed. It probably would have been better for m…Jacqueline if she hadn't come back. She neglected the little girl throughout her childhood, giving her the absolute minimum. She always wondered why her Mother didn't love her like her friends Mum's did" Jac struggled over her words and tears threatened to fall. Zosia made soothing noises and carried on stroking her hair. "Whenever Paula fancied a day out or was just fed up or whatever it was, she left Jacqueline with her grandfather. The young girl loved it though. Her Grandad fed her properly for a start. He was so kind to her and they were very close. This lasted until she was 12 years old. A few weeks after her twelfth birthday she arrived home from school to find her mother wasn't there and instead there was a note. The…the note said that the girls Grandad that she adored so much was dead and that her mother was leaving to go to India. The note didn't tell her what to do so she decided she could look after herself. So she spent the night on her own and turned up to school the next day exhausted and starving, Paula didn't even leave her any food." Jac laughed sarcastically before continuing. "Jacqueline ended up breaking down and telling a teacher everything. This led to her being put in care."
"Where is this Paula now?" Zosia spoke angrily "I'd love to give her a piece of my mind. I can't believe she treated you like that."
"She's dead."
"oh…I'm sorry. What happened?"
She sighed "Don't be sorry. I wasn't. What happened come's much later in the story." Zosia nodded and motioned for her to carry on. Jac took another deep breath before continuing. "Anyway, Jacqueline went to many foster homes but was never adopted. Nobody wanted a stroppy teenager with problems with emotions and making relationships. She didn't get on with any other children at school or in any of the homes as she was bullied for the long, frizzy, ginger hair and her shyness. Due to this she shut herself away in her room with her books. There was one new girl in particular who wanted to be friends with Jacqueline but she just ignored her. She didn't know how to make friends and this girl, Dawn was pretty and confident and popular. And then something happened that made this girl hate Jacqueline so much she didn't even want to look at her. And she was right to feel like that. There was this man, one of the carers, Mr Yates he was called. All of the older girls said he was a creep but no one really knew why. Then on Christmas eve of 1990, Jacqueline heard voices outside her room. She looked out and saw Yates outside Dawn's room. She tried to close the door but he forced his way in, saying he had a present for her. I…Jacqueline was pretty sure she knew what had happened but she didn't tell anyone. He did the same thing to most of the girls at the home but somehow managed to get away with it. Everyone knew so I don't know how he managed it. Jacqueline was one of the only ones he avoided, she knew how to shut people out and he probably thought she was a weirdo and not worth it. She was actually a little bit jealous. How twisted is that? She just wanted someone to give her some attention. But she should be glad he didn't. That man ruined girls' lives, especially Dawn. She changed her name to Fran and tried to make herself a new life but it didn't work." She angrily wiped away a tear and waited for Zosia to realise who she was talking about.
"Fran? Fran Reynolds?" She asked and received a nod from Jac. "So that's what you were talking about on the roof. Did you know it was her as soon as she started here?"
She shook her head. "No not a clue until she told me up on the roof. She had a new name and looked completely different. I had completely pushed it to the back of my mind, I was so disgusted by what I'd done. I could have said something and stopped it, or I could have at least told someone"
"Yes looking back maybe you could have done things differently but it's done, there's no point beating yourself up about it. Plus you said everyone knew what he did anyway but still nothing happened." She smiled weakly "Come on, tell me more about Jacqueline."
"She was really interested in science and the human body. She spent most of her time reading about medicine and what it would take to become a doctor. I…She worked hard at school and passed all her GCSE's with A's and A*'s. She then went and studied Biology, Chemistry, Physics and Maths A levels at college. Once again she passed with flying colours. As soon as she reached 18, she rented herself a flat with money she earnt from a Saturday job. It was cheap and disgusting but to her it was better than any of the homes she'd been in. As well as finding somewhere to live, she legally changed her surname to Naylor and decided she wanted to be known as Jac. Jaqueline really didn't suit her and Jacky even less so." She pulled a face at the last bit.
The other woman smirked a little. "Jacky? No really doesn't suit you. Oh and you can acknowledge that you're talking about yourself, I do know that."
Jac shook her head slowly. "I can't. I'd pushed it to the back of my mind and saying that it was me… well that would make it all real again" she admitted.
Zosia nodded to show understanding "Carry on"
"Well she passed medical school she became a doctor, you know everything from then"
"No I don't. I only know things from the past 3 years. There's nearly 20 years in between"
She couldn't help but laugh a little "Alright! How old do you think I am?"
Zosia giggled "Sorry but my point still stands. However many years it is, there's still a lot I don't know. I want to know about junior doctor Jac"
She shrugged "There isn't much to tell, I was probably the same as I am now"
"Yeah I can imagine that. You as an F1 bossing your consultant around, convinced you knew better than them" She laughed as she thought about it.
"And I obviously did know better. That description you mentioned sounds a lot like someone I know" she smirked up at her girlfriend.
"Oh come on I've never bossed you around"
"No not me, not even you're that stupid." She teased her, still with a smirk on her face.
Zosia responded with a sarcastic face. "You're too kind. Now stop changing the subject and carry on with your story"
"Ok well for years life was fairly normal, well as normal as it could be for her. She kept herself to herself, except for the odd man when she needed someone. Then 11 years ago she moved to Holby. And nothing is ever normal or easy here is it? The first big thing that happened when I moved here was entirely my mistake. I should never have got involved with the Byrne family. Actually you don't want to hear this, you don't want to know about my ex's"
"It's fine. It's an important thing that happened in your life so I want to know. Just like you know about Jesse and Seb" Zosia had noticed that she had started talking in first person but didn't mention it. She just smiled and waited for her to carry on.
"Ok well I knew there was something about Joseph Byrne as soon as I met him. He was…different. He was so awkward and wasn't very good with people and by this time I'd learnt to be blunt and very forward. I wasn't very good at making friends but with men I knew how to get what I wanted. I flirted with him for a while, we got on and worked together well. Then things changed when I found him in the locker room after attempting an overdose. I saved his life and promised not to tell anyone what had happened. We ended up going on a few dates and getting together. Everyone thought it was because his father was an eminent surgeon and very influential and maybe it was a little but I did like him. But for some reason that wasn't good enough for me. I had to take it one step further and ended up having an affair with his dad. It was stupid I know and everyone was disgusted although probably not surprised. I did have a reputation. He thought he loved me and told Joseph everything. As you can imagine, he then hated me and wanted nothing more to do with me. I had cheated on him with his own father! That's the lowest of the low. He then forgave me a little and begged me to finish with his father and we could carry on our relationship but I declined. I chose his dad. Or more accurately, I chose my career" She spotted Zosia's horrified face and sighed "It gets worse so if you want to just leave me now you might as well quit while you're ahead."
"I'm not going to leave you! It's your past for a reason and I trust you. Besides, I know you wouldn't get with my dad. You've been there before and now you hate each other." She spoke, trying to add some humour to the situation but Jac wasn't really feeling it.
She just carried on "Soon after, I finally got to use our relationship fully to my advantage. My colleague Diane died. We had previously competed for an acting consultant's position which she got so when she died I convinced Lord Byrne to use his influence to get me the job. He then very inconsiderately had a stroke before he got the chance. He then suffered a heart attack and died with not his wife and children but me by his bedside. I infuriated Joseph by not showing any regret or remorse for destroying his family and he responded by attacking me. Maybe that's too much of a strong word. He hit me and I fell back, hitting my head. I don't blame him for hurting me though. However I used the bruises to gain sympathy and earn a place on a stent trail. I really do regret everything I did to that family though. But oh no that isn't even the end of the things I did to poor Joseph but I'll get to that later. I'll carry on chronologically for now."
Zosia placed a kiss on her girlfriend's forehead to show she wasn't annoyed or disappointed in any way. She could tell by Jac's face that whatever came next was painful to tell so squeezed her arms lightly to comfort and encourage her.
"There was this patient admitted as part of the stent trial, Alan. He took quite a shine to me and was a very hands on person. Something had annoyed him, I can't remember what, and I ended up bumping into him in the peace garden. He started shouting which soon lead to threatening me. He then dragged me off into the trees. He attacked me and tried to urm he tried to r…r" She tried to continue but broke down into tears. Her hands were physically shaking as she tried to carry on speaking, her throat dry and her voice wobbling as the words just wouldn't form.
Zosia had never seen the other woman like this before and it truly broke her heart. The vulnerability that clouded her eyes, the way her body was so tense, so afraid. She cuddled her tightly as if she was trying to take all the pain away. She would if she could. "It's fine you don't have to say it. It's ok, I'm here" she soothed
She never though Zosia being there would be such a comfort but it really was. Being in her arms nearly made everything better. "I didn't report it, I wasn't one to make a fuss, and I thought he'd just get away with it like Yates did." She sobbed "He returned to the hospital about 6 months later and was found unconscious in the stairs with scissors through his heart. When I first saw him again, I said if he didn't leave I would kill him. So naturally I was arrested for his attempted murder. I didn't do it though in case you were wondering"
She shook her head "I had no doubt that you hadn't done it. I wouldn't be surprised if you'd wanted too but I know you're not violent and not capable of that"
"Joseph disagreed with you, and he told the police as much. I was cleared when a young patient that he had tried the same thing with and succeeded this time, came forward and confessed. I came back to work to find Joseph in a relationship with Nurse Faye Morton. I didn't trust her one bit and that never changed. She was poison in human form, although I'm a fine one to talk. I noticed her being secretive, disappearing a lot and taking calls on the sly so I decided to follow her. I ended up having a serious motorbike crash on my way there and it turned out she was only visiting her son who had a disability. Lowe Syndrome I think it was. So I ended up in intensive care and walking with a crutch for many months afterwards for nothing. I was hoping to discover something sinister or that she was having an affair and then Joseph would come back to me but I achieved quite the opposite. They got engaged. However they did have a bit of a rough patch and he found himself getting drunk with me and then in my bed. And yet again I… oh god I'm so ashamed of this… I manipulated him. I made him think I was pregnant. He was terrified that Faye would find out and leave him. He was not ready for a baby let alone with me. I wound him up about it at every opportunity and never gave him a straight answer as to whether it was true or not. My lie was uncovered by his friend Linden, who was actually seeing Faye behind his back, when I was admitted as a patient after being knocked down the stairs." She paused for a minute, trying to recall what had happened next in her life. "The next important thing I guess would be when Joseph and I ended up stuck in a theatre together. It was revealed that our patient had been transporting contaminated waste but by the time we found out we had already opened him up and started the operation. Other members of the operating team started to fall ill and were taken out to minimise the risk. This left just me, Joseph and our anaesthetist in the theatre. Everything was sealed up and soon oxygen was running out and the chemicals in the air began to get to us. We managed to finish the operation and close him up before our anaesthetist deteriorated quickly. She sadly ended up passing away, she had asthma and the lack of oxygen was too much for her, even with using the oxygen mask. That left me and Joseph alone in the theatre. We sat on the floor in the scrub room and had somewhat of a heart to heart. I told him how I felt and he said he loved me but had moved on and was happy with Faye. I was distraught but once again I probably deserved it."
Zosia was amazed. She had no idea Jac had been through so much and she still only knew half of it. She knew the other woman must have been through a lot but didn't know it was as bad as it was. She waited for Jac to be ready to continue.
"This is when the lovely Paula makes a reappearance in the story. She was admitted to the hospital with Kidney damage. I hadn't seen her since that day she abandoned me for India so as far as I knew that's where she still was. She must have tracked me down somehow because we'd had no contact. God knows how, considering I'd changed my name. I wanted nothing to do with her at first and I wish I'd kept it that way. She kept trying to get my attention until eventually I gave in. She seemed so sorry and full of regret for what she'd done, I didn't forgive her but… I don't know. I suppose I gave her another chance. Whatever she does she always manages to worm her way back in and make me feel sorry for her or whatever. We spent some time talking and I decided I was going to donate one of my kidneys to her. She was dying, she needed it. We also decided that after we'd both had our operations she'd move in with me and we'd start again. But obviously that wasn't what happened. Both operations went well and as soon as we were discharged we went back to my house as planned. I woke up the next morning and she wasn't there. I thought maybe she'd gone to the shops or something so I rang her over and over again. There was no answer. She'd left her medication behind and I wanted answers so I looked at her medical notes to find her address. I knew I shouldn't because my wound, it was in so much pain but I was desperate to not lose her again. When I was on the way there in my car, the wound got worse, it was infected. The pain had got too much and I couldn't drive anymore. I rang Michael Spence, he was the only one who knew the full story. He came to get me and tried to take me home but I wouldn't go, I couldn't give up. We found her at the address given with…with my Grandad" She spotted the look of shock and confusion on Zosia's face and nodded "Yes the one I was told was dead. But that's not all, I discovered I had a half-sister, Jasmine"
"That's huge? Have you ever spent time with her or got to know her?"
She shook her head "No I couldn't. I hated her, I couldn't work out why she kept her and not me. I thought it must be because of me"
"And now? You could still track her down. It would be good for Emma to have an Auntie" She suggested.
"No, she could find me if she wanted. My name is all over the internet. Emma has Uncle Sacha and Auntie Mo, she is fine."
"And Auntie Zosh" She added with a smirk.
"You're a bit more than that to her don't you think?" She said without really thinking it through
The smirk returned to Zosia's face "Oh and what would I be then?"
"Urm lets just get on with the story shall we. I left the house, and swore I never wanted anything to do with that family again. I recovered from the surgery and the infection and went back to work as normal but back on Keller this time. It wasn't long before there was drama with the Byrne family once again. Faye was pregnant. She had admitted herself into a psychiatric ward and refused to leave when she went into labour. Joseph called me and I went to see them. I somehow convinced her that she needed medical attention and we got her to the hospital in time for her son to be born. Joseph told me that they were in the process of splitting up, we shared a kiss and restarted our relationship. Things were difficult for a while, it would be things like him saying they were over and then them spending Christmas together. But it all came to a head when she tried to leave the country with their son, without telling Joseph. She was in no fit state to look after him and Joseph was heartbroken at the thought of losing his son. Again it was down to me to fix things and I followed her to the airport. I took them back to the hospital where she left their son, Harry, with his dad and then left. We tried to get our relationship back on track. It wasn't easy though, there was suddenly a child to think about and I hated children." Jac swallowed the tears that were threatening to fall once more. She told herself she'd moved on but this was still difficult to tell. Joseph was her first love and it wasn't easy to get over. "Hanssen offered him a promotion but he'd decided he was leaving. He was going to be a GP and wanted me to go with him."
"Why didn't you go?" she asked.
"Can you imagine me as a GP's wife in the country side? No I couldn't do it. My reason at the time was that I didn't want to be put second to his child all the time. I realise now that I was stupid, of course he had to put his child first. He left as planned. I was devastated and wanted to move hospital but it seemed my reputation proceeded me and I couldn't get a job anywhere. This is when I moved to Darwin. Connie Beauchamp had recently left so there was a consultant's position on offer. I competed with the lovely Sahira and got the job." The sarcastic smile on her face showed her true feelings for the woman in question. However Zosia was thinking about someone else.
"Did you not work with Mrs Beauchamp very much then?"
"I'd been on Darwin in the past so yeah we knew each other fairly well. She sent me a pair of her shoes to fill when I got the job" she smiled slightly at the memory. "Why?"
She shrugged "I think she's rather attractive"
Jac scoffed "Yeah so does your father. You seem to have a similar taste in women, how cute"
She rolled her eyes "Oh shut up and carry on with your story"
She smirked. "I'm not sure what happened next. There was this one time that Hanssen caught me, let's say having a few stern words, with an F1. He sent me on some stupid people skills course but that was where I met Jonny."
"Oh yeah I've heard all about this story. The F1 was Valentines wife right? And Jonny lied about his job to get you into bed. Which obviously worked."
"Yes thank you I thought I was telling this story. But you're correct me and nurse Maconie did end up sleeping together after he had told me he was a neurosurgeon. A week later he turns up at the hospital with Mo as part of the transplant team. We met up a few times to…you know. But that's all there was to it. Not much else happened for a while. Well I helped Mo give birth but that's not part of my story. I had a bit of a spat with Elliot about me being selfish but that's been a regular occurrence over the years. Mine and Jonny's relationship, if you can even call it that, continued but we kept it to ourselves. We… I didn't want people to gossip. I had a pregnancy scare around this time too. I think not long after that me and Jonny had some kind of falling out and our relationship ended for a while but it happened so often I can't remember. I do know that at Christmas we were at least civil and decorated the tree on Darwin together. It was the first time I'd ever decorated a Christmas tree. At new year, Serena sent me on a trip to Sweden to try and find Hanssen who had disappeared off the face of the earth. I do know that me and Jonny must have been back on at this point because I remember trying to ring him and it costing £12.00 or something ridiculous like that. When I returned from Sweden, things between us were great. But then as usual I had to ruin things. I received an invitation to Joseph's wedding and I don't really know why but it really threw me off."
Zosia's face was one of pure shock and disbelief. "He invited his ex to his wedding? Why would anyone think that was a good idea?"
Jac answered her question with a shrug "He was always a bit weird I guess. Elliot thought it would be good for me to go along and take Jonny with me, to show Joseph that I'd moved on too and was happy. I had moved on but…I really don't know. It wasn't like I'd ever even thought about marrying him and I'd seen him marry Faye but it really messed with my mind and emotions. That night I got drunk and ended up sleeping with Sean from paediatrics. I told Jonny the next day as I didn't want to keep things from him. As you can imagine that really caused a problem for us. Hanssen had offered me a sabbatical to Japan to be trained in a new technique for repairing the oesophagus. I thought that it would be a good idea to take him up on his offer. I wanted to give Jonny some space and I seemed to be right. When I came back he was angry with me at first, obviously. I remember I had to treat this idiotic farmer boy, you've probably met him, he and his friend became regulars for a while. Any way I was supposed to be using this new technique on him but he hadn't kept to his diet of no spicy food so we had to revert back to the old boring way. I went to tell his equally idiotic friend just how annoyed I was when I slipped on some vomit or something that had been knocked over. I hit my head on the corner of the chair and I needed stitches. Jonny did them for me and there was this awful cheesy moment where we kissed and made up. I told him I loved him but he didn't say it back. Actually come to think of it, he never did say it. I think it was about a week after this when I first experiencing pain that I later found out was endometriosis. I had to leave theatre and that's when I knew it was really bad. I performed an ultrasound on myself, desperate to know what it was but without anyone finding out. In the end I had to go to Mr Thompson and I got my diagnosis. The same day I got diagnosed, I managed to finally showcase my new technique successfully and get funding from Hanssen. However it wasn't all good news as me and Jonny had an argument outside theatre. I can't remember what it was about but he said something about not wanting to have children with me because any child of mine had a chance of being the antichrist. Having just found out I had endometriosis and would possibly not be able to have children, this really got to me and I slapped him." She smirked slightly at the memory. "About a month later Tara, Valentine's wife went into surgery on her brain tumour. Sadly she didn't make it through the operation. However horrible I was to her and I'm not going to lie she did annoy me, but she was a promising junior with lots of ambition for the future and her death hit me hard. I turned to Jonny for support and I'm not going to go into detail but that night Emma was conceived. She spotted Zosia's disgusted face and managed to laugh through the tears that were now drying up. "I didn't realise I was pregnant until I had to do a urine test for Mr Thompson. Something to do with my endometriosis. Mo was there when I got the call so she knew but I didn't tell anyone else. Well apparently she knew anyway, something about my bum changing." She pulled a face.
Zosia laughed "I knew I wasn't the only one that checked you out at work" she smirked down at the woman in her arms.
"Shut up" she rolled her eyes. "Anyway Mo kept on and on at me to tell Jonny but I couldn't. I didn't know how he would react. He found out though. Mo drew this stupid picture of what I'd look like pregnant and he found it in my office. I thought it was all over at that point though because I'd been bleeding. He forced me to take a test and obviously it was positive. We kept it quite for a while longer until we… well Jonny, announced it to the ward. Before long everyone knew, as usual. Not much happened for a while, well apart from the trials and tribulations of pregnancy but you don't need to know about that. Although I guess finding out my baby had a congenital diaphragmatic hernia is a bit more than a normal part of pregnancy. It wasn't easy with me and Jonny not being together but we managed. Well no, I don't think I did manage very well. I had no idea how to be a normal mother, let alone a mother of a critically ill baby. So I just forgot about it. I didn't buy anything or do anything to prepare. And just to add to an already excellent situation, the lovely Bonnie arrived and her and Jonny started a relationship." Her face softened a little as she remembered something else. "And to top it all off an annoying, sarcastic and moody F1 started on my ward. She was so attractive though, so that made up for things a little" she smirked and waited for it to dawn on Zosia.
She looked confused for a second until she worked it out. "Oh really? I bet that F1 was great really. Especially haven't to put up with a grumpy pregnant consultant pronouncing my name wrong every day."
"I wasn't grumpy! You just annoyed me. Do you remember your reaction when you saw I was pregnant? You just assumed I was like every other woman who just wanted to get married and have babies. And the name thing, I could see it wound you up, that's why I did it" A smirk spread across her face.
"Yeah I did notice. You know thinking about it, I liked you from the start. Not the way I do now but there was something. What about you?"
"Well I've already admitted I thought you were attractive, doesn't that answer your question" She could tell Zosia was about to say something so didn't give her chance and carried on with the story. "As you probably saw, things were tense for a while. Me and Jonny were constantly arguing and Bonnie always tried to get involved which didn't help. Then I went into labour early. Jonny stayed with me the whole time, trying to support me through it. Her breathing deteriorated so she had to be cut out of me. I failed her and not for the first or the last time"
"No, no, no" she said in a soothing tone "You have never failed Emma. You might have struggled but all parents do at some point. And you didn't exactly have it easy."
Jac shook her head slowly "No I did. After she was born I couldn't even touch her or hold her. Jonny bonded straight away but I just couldn't. I think I was just scared that I wouldn't be good enough, I still am scared of that."
"Well you don't need to be. You're an amazing mother and that little girl adores you. You know she said I couldn't be her best friend because Mummy was?"
Jac grinned when she heard that. She never really knew if her daughter was happy and loved her but it appeared she did. "Me and Jonny were back to arguing again at this point. I was leaving him out of decisions and he didn't like it. I told him it was my money so I should decide things like which Nanny we hire. He fought back by getting a promotion but I still got paid so much more than him. And then he fought against me in a different way by getting engaged to Bonnie. It was like Joseph all over again and I was so upset. The day of his wedding I convinced him to go into theatre with me and tried to stop him from going. After the operation he tried to get me to admit my feelings for him but I couldn't say it. He said that was the reason he was marrying her but even if I had told him I don't think he would have stayed. I don't blame him though. It can't be very easy to love me, no one has ever succeeded."
Zosia wanted so badly to tell her that Jac could be loved, because she did. She kept quiet though. She didn't know if she felt the same and didn't want to make a fool of herself.
Jac composed herself and carried on. "And then…well you know what happened to Bonnie. Jonny blamed me, because I stopped him from leaving or something, I don't know. He just needed someone to blame and I was the easiest target. He threatened to take me to caught over Emma and it all spiralled from there. I don't think either of us wanted it to end up how it did. I wanted to try mediation but he was having none of it. By the time he changed his mind, my lawyer had already sent a letter to his and had an order put in place to stop him seeing her unsupervised. With her usual perfect timing this is when Paula reappeared. She was on Darwin as a patient. Unfortunately this time there wasn't something she could take from me to make it better. So instead to tried a true trick to get me to talk to her. She said that my dad had recently passed away. I'd never met my dad and had no clue who he was. As far as I knew, neither did she. She showed me a picture of him and a letter he had sent her but I still wasn't convinced she was telling the truth. I'm still not sure now but I guess I'll never know. I gave her money to leave but she gave it to Jonny to use to get a better lawyer. And she still wondered why I hated her and didn't want my baby anywhere near her."
She shook her head in disbelief "That woman really is unbelievable!"
"Emma was ill again and brought back into hospital. She was fine after some fluids and antibiotics but it got me and Jonny talking. We agreed on mediation. That was until he got a phone call from Paula and I realised she was living with him. He had just told me that he'd found out what she was really like when I was younger and that he wanted nothing more to do with her. I was so angry that he had lied and that she was still around. The custody war was well and truly on again. The day of the court case arrived and Paula had managed to get into my head again. She convinced me that I would be a bad mother just like her. I was scared that she was right and I would end up choosing surgery over Emma. I decided that my daughter deserved better than that so handed her over to Jonny. I was going to work in Sweden for a while. Jonny followed me to the airport and tried to stop me, saying we could work together. I ignored him and just got on my plane." She realised she'd forgotten a major detail "Oh yeah fortunately Paula never got the satisfaction of knowing she'd made me doubt myself. She passed away at the hospital, right in front of me."
"What did you do when you were away?" she asked. Trying to stop Jac from thinking about Paula.
"Not a lot. Work and research mostly. I just kept to myself" she shrugged "I was only away for about a month. When I came back I found that Elliot had a brain tumour and was going to be having surgery. Your dad suggested that I should become the clinical lead on Darwin. I didn't want to take it all away from Elliot, he means a lot to me, but it was such a good opportunity. And when Guy said it would mean taking on the Hertzig as well, it was too good to turn down. I did turn it down at first but after a day working with Connie again she changed my mind. She didn't know it would mean stabbing Elliot in the back though. She would never do that. He was heartbroken. He saw me as a daughter and I'd taken away his lives work. He'd trusted me to look after it while he was ill. I stupidly decided to boss him around as I was now in charge but he rebelled. I soon realised that it was best for us to work together. That worked fairly well until he came up with a new project and I went straight to Guy, putting the project in danger."
"My dad had you completely under his thumb didn't he" Zosia observed.
"Mhmm and believe me it gets worse. A baby with CDH was transferred to AAU and I helped on the case. I was still keeping myself away from Emma so seeing the baby really got to me. So much that I ended up going to Albies and kissing your dad." Jac wasn't sure if she should have brought that up. Zosia knew about her relationship with her dad but she doubted she liked thinking about it. She watched for her reaction. She was relieved when Zosia managed to make a joke out of it.
"Wow things must have been bad to make you fall for him" She giggled, a little awkwardly.
She joined in her laughter. "A few weeks after that it was Emma's first birthday. Jonny had organised a party for her at the hospital. Despite still not seeing her much I was planning on going. Until I got a text from Guy and stupidly went running to him. Soon after this it all kicked off with Jonny and Guy. They were arguing about the theatre schedules but my relationship with Guy probably didn't help. Then things got worse when Guy got Jonny arrested. I'm sure you heard about it at the time so I won't go into it."
She nodded. "Yeah Dad has told me about it and I told him he was completely in the wrong."
"I bet he loved that" She laughed. "Then as you know Jonny was stabbed in prison. When he was in front of me, bleeding almost to death, there was just something that made me think that maybe we could be a family. And when he was released from prison that's what we did."
"And from there I know the rest" Zosia concluded "Thank you for trusting me enough to tell me."
"No, you don't know the rest. Not quite. When I can back from maternity leave, the earlier mentioned moody F1 was back on my ward. But this time, I didn't know what it was but I felt differently about her. We worked well together and had "banter" as she would call it. We got along better and become closer as time went on. We even went out for drinks. I really liked her but I couldn't admit it. She was young and beautiful and most definitely straight. Or so I thought. For some reason I opened up to Valentine and told him everything. Apparently this F1 had done the same so Valentine decided to get involved and lock us in my office and get us to talk. That was the day I finally found out how love should really feel. I finally let myself love properly, not the poisonous kind I'd had before where everyone got hurt. Proper love. All I can hope is that she loves me back" she looked up at Zosia expectantly, waiting for her reply.
"The F1 definitely does love you too."