Kudo Shinichi had always pride himself in being a high school detective. He didn't know when did his fiery obsession to solve things started, or maybe it was within him from the start. He didn't enjoy knowing how someone can kill another person, neither did he know the logic or reason behind all those killings, but he found a certain satisfaction when he solved a case. Every new case teaches him a new lesson on life and something else. At the same time, every new case saddens him. He didn't know how many people out there kills, because of a misunderstanding, or simply for the thrill of it. Even if there's a reason, Shinichi could never understand why someone had to kill another person.

Mysteries thrills him. He loves those clues, and the harder it is, the deeper he falls. He seeks the excitement, the thrill. He knows it sounds a little crazy, and no one apart from his father who was the same 'freak' as him would understand. But nothing matters. Life is really that boring, and it was those mysteries that brighten up his life. Not that he wishes the world to have so many crimes, but as long as he could get his hands on any of them, there's really nothing he can't solve. He loves the satisfaction that follows when he knows that he had solved each of them. It serves as a form of entertainment for him.

Shinichi had always been sharp and observant. He can easily deduct something from the information he observed and analyzed. There is just one thing that he could never understand. Human's heart. It's an organ that beats life within a human body, it's so simple, yet it's so complicated. Shinichi is confused. He didn't like it, but he couldn't analyze a human's heart as easily as others evidence. Most of the time, crimes are committed in a moment. What the heart feels changes what the mind thinks, and thus creating what the body does. Shinichi doesn't understand why humans' hearts can be so confusing. And sometimes he wonders, what does his own heart tells him?

Edogawa Conan was a part of him. Shinichi still wasn't sure if he likes that part or hates it. But hate is a strong word, so Shinichi shrugs it off. He didn't like being Conan. Sure, he was still him from within, he was still able to solve crimes and feels the thrill that it brings him. Yet there was still something different. No matter how many times Shinichi tells himself there's nothing wrong, he was still him, except quite shrunk.

Sometimes at night, when Shinichi couldn't sleep, he stared at the moon and think. He wonders what went wrong in life. Life was simple really, but somehow it became quite complicated for him. He wasn't exactly Kudo Shinichi anymore. Heck, he wasn't even a high school student anymore! He took on a new appearance, a new name, a new life. Edogawa Conan. It was like his mask, and it was suffocating him at times.

Conan would sit on the sofa, drinking soda as he watches Ran think of Shinichi as she look out of the window. Conan wouldn't know about Ran crying at certain nights because she misses Shinichi too much. Edogawa Conan would be Edogawa Conan. He wasn't Shinichi. And yet he is. Edogawa Conan is also Kudo Shinichi. He would sit on the sofa and drink his soda, without tasting the drink as he drink only to drink. Because he would be staring sadly at Ran who would be staring out of the window. He wouldn't be able to sleep because he knows how much Ran is thinking about him, how much it hurts, to the point she can only cry herself to sleep at night.

Kudo Shinichi misses Ran. Edogawa Conan would not.

It was like having two identity, just like a coin that has two sides. He remembers Ran telling him once, after a certain case, that the world is like a coin. There's always the good and evil, the light and darkness. They cannot be without each other. There's always a good within an evil and vise visa. No one is absolutely who they are. It balance. Because there cannot be light without darkness, or good without evil. It balances the world, like how it balances a coin. Shinichi had shrugged it off at first, he didn't spend much time thinking about it.

Kudo Shinichi was like the coin itself now. He has two sides to him, it balances him, yet contradicts him at the same time. He wants to be who he is, but he forgets who he should be. He wants to be who he is, but he forgets who he is really is as well. Who was he, really? Kudo Shinichi, the high school famous detective? Or Edogawa Conan, someone who doesn't even exists? He is confused, and he can't find a way out. He lost his way, he wasn't able to find the light within the darkness.

Does it really matters so much? Shinichi didn't have an answer to Haibara. Unlike him, she had been quite mysterious. He didn't know how she felt to being a child all over again, assuming an identity that didn't belong or existed in this world. He didn't know how to describe her, but it seems to her that nothing mattered. If death comes, then death will come. She has no fear for death, neither does he, but she seems to treat her own life like a silly joke. It did not matter to her when she dies, or if tomorrow will ever comes. She knows she will die one day for betraying the Black Society, but Shinichi didn't want her to. He didn't even want her to be harmed.

He didn't know if it was Conan that cares for Haibara Ai, or was it Shinichi that cares for the girl.

(Does it really matters so much?)

Sometimes, Shinichi really has no answers.