On the Ledge

She stands on the ledge looking from the night sky to the ground below, her vision blurred by tears. She was falling even while stationary. Swallowing back the scream she wanted to let wrent the air as well as her frustrations, she tried to remind herself that she had to be strong.

She couldn't defend herself. Not the way she wanted to. She couldn't yell and scream and let go of the 'lies' the family would accuse her of.

Shaking, she realized that that was all they saw. All they ever would. She was the trash they walked over.
A con artist.
A liar.
Eight years later and nothing had changed.

She still couldn't get her father to see her as his daughter. To believe in her and take her for what she had to say instead of choosing the girl who he had raised over her.

And now it was worse because Jess had convinced them all that she was responsible for Nash's death and the BE takeover. It didn't matter that Jess was the reason that Jared was in town to begin with or that she had initially pushed Natalie onto Jared. No, Natalie had kept a secret to try to save the company. Natalie had been called a tramp by Nash and Jared had tried to stop him from hitting her only to throw the other man accidentally through a skylight.

They were responsible.
That was all that kept repeating her mind.
They were to blame for the company being lost.
For Nash's death.

All of it.

Standing there she looked down and wondered what it would feel like to let go and let herself fall physically the same way she was falling mentally.

After all, she had nothing left and it was all her fault.

"Are you crazy?" a voice asked as strong hands yanked her off balance and back onto the roof of the Angel Square Motel. "No. Don't answer that," John continued as he pushed her away from him and spun her around. "What the hell are you thinking? Or are you thinking at all, Natalie?"

Exhaling, Natalie looked back at the ledge: "I was wondering what it would feel like to let go and fall," she admitted. "What Nash felt when. . ."

Shaking his head, John reached out and pushed a piece of hair out of Natalie's face. "I saw the tapes, Natalie. It wasn't your fault."

"If I hadn't have kept Jared's secret. If I had told the family. . ."

"What? The deals would've still been void," John reasoned.

"Nora said. . ."

"Nora's sleeping with your father. You really think she's going to take the opposite position on this, especially considering your relationship with her vs. Jess's?" he asked hating to point out the obvious.

"What relationship?" Natalie asked. "All she ever did was come down on me for loving you. For breaking up your oh so perfect relationship with 'Vang. For being friends with Miles. For not liking Marty."

John shrugged as he rocked on his feet: "guess that was my point," he said then looked pass her and over her shoulder. "Look, it's not worth what you were thinking of doing."

"Really?" Natalie asked. "And why not? Because no one would give a damn if I did it."

"You know that's not true."

"Yeah. Then who would care? Who'd miss me?"

"Jared for one."

Natalie laughed hollowly: "maybe if he wasn't too busy screwing my sister."

"What?" John asked confused. "Wait a minute. Jess. . ."

"Has spilt into Tess," Natalie told him. "And was screwing my boyfriend when I walked into our no tell motel room, because its all I can afford and she got both of my parents to kick me out-- no scratch that. Jessica did that one on her lonesome."

"How. . ."

"Tess is the reason Jared came to town in the first place. She framed him for a robbery he didn't commit," she told John as she started to walk around the rooftop, nervous energy fueling her. "He cleaned up the story for the board members. Either that or he knew he was sleeping with Jessica and then. . ." she shook her head. "Anyway, there was a look in her eyes when I walked in. Like I had been set up. For a moment I thought. . . but it was how she moved. How she laughed."

"And what did Paul Crammer in a suit have to say?"

Natalie whirled around on the question and laughed: "Paul in a suit. Interesting comparison."

"Am I wrong?"

"Well, he hasn't stolen and sold babies and body parts as far as I know. . ."

"Natalie," John started in exasperation.

"But he might have served a similar purpose."

"I liked it better when you were hanging around Lawrence."

"Like I did it because I cared what you thought?"

John shrugged and crossed the roof to the chairs that were there and sat in one, watching her as he did: "well, in any case, Miles never had you close to jumping off of roofs."

"Neither did Paul."

"No. But he hurt you in other ways."

"He wasn't the only one," Natalie replied testily. "And you didn't answer my question. Who would care if I did it?" she pushed. John only stared at her for a few moments in silence. Finally, she couldn't take it anymore: "yeah. That's what I thought," she said spinning around and starting for the door.

"You really want me to say it?" he asked as she put her hand on the doorknob.

Looking over her shoulder, Natalie stared at him, anger shimmering under the surface: "you really have to ask?"

"You know damned well that I would care."

Natalie let her hand drop and then turned, leaning tiredly against the door: "sometimes, I don't know anything anymore, John," she admitted. "If I had to. . . if I had to pinpoint the last time I knew something it was 10-10-06."

"Natalie. . . I don't," John started looking from her to his hands, unable to find the words he knew she needed.

"Don't know what to say?" she finished for him, her tone a mixture of exhaustion and sarcasm. "What else is new?" she shot back as she pushed herself away from the door and started to make her way back across the roof, purposely not looking at him. "You know, the fact that Jared could give me the words. . . all the ones I wanted to hear. The 'I love yous.' The 'you mean so much to me.' All the things that went with it. That was what kept me going back for more. But words are just words. Especially to a con artist. And I was an easy mark for him, wasn't I?" she asked as she looked over her shoulder and at him, while resting against the ledge.

"Who do you think you're fooling?" John asked as he got to his feet. "You always had his number. Same as he always had yours. You wanted that challenge. You wanted to feel alive again. You wanted more than I could give you."

"What the hell's that supposed to mean?"

"If you didn't you wouldn't have walked out of my room that day and not come back."

"And how the hell would I have fit into your plan with Antonio and Talia to bring down Ramsey, and don't think that I didn't know that you three were up to something the entire time. You don't fool around with people who are involved with other people, and you sure as hell wouldn't sleep with your partner's girl!" she told him angrily.

"You have a point," John conceded as he leaned against the ledge next to her and look at her sidelong, his arms crossed over his chest: "you also have my number."

"Psst… a hell of a lot of good it's done me. Besides, I wasn't the only one who walked. You pulled away even more. If you thought. . ." she shook her head and pushed away from the ledge: "you know what, I'm not doing this with you. We always go round and round in circles and get nowhere. We said no regrets. That it was only a one time thing. . ."

"We also said we'd stay friends. That we were friends once before," he pointed out.

"So you regret that night?"

"I regret not convincing you to stay. To talk to. . .' he stopped and pushed himself away from the ledge and turned away from her and looked down at the city. "Ramsey was too much of a threat. If he knew what I felt for you. . . it was better that he thought it was over."

"It is over."

"Yeah," John agreed tiredly. "I guess. . ." he started as he continued to stare down at the ground and then listened to her exhale and then stomp to the door: "Did he ever tell you he came back for you?" he asked on barely a whisper.

Cursing, Natalie spun around: "why do you always have to do. . .No. He didn't, all right? That was the one thing he didn't say. He didn't top you on."

"The only thing?"

"Don't go there. Don't do this!"

Turning, John looked at her from across the roof: "Why not, Natalie? You just admitted it hurt you when I pulled away after that night."

"Lets get this straight, McBain, you pulled away long before that night."

"Yeah. I did," he admitted, surprising her. "I didn't know how to. . . I let other people's opinions cost me something I can't. . ." he exhaled and ran a hand through his hair as he moved towards her: "I wasn't ready. . . not for coming back here. Not for not having a mission. Someone to save. A case to solve. I spent more than half my life trying to track down my father's killer."

"And I was by your side for the end. When you found him."

"He got off."

"He was murdered."

"And I screwed up the case to get his murderer."

"Well, maybe if you hadn't been planning ways to do her," Natalie shot back annoyed.

John stepped back: "whoa, where'd that come from?"

"Right where it's always been," she answered. "You knew how I felt. How I hated that you'd tell her things and then get mad when I confided in Vincent."

"It was different."

"Yeah, I never wanted to sleep with Vincent. I never even wanted to date him-- well as more than a device to annoy you."

John didn't know whether to laugh or hit something, so he turned away: "You're the one who broke things off."

"Yeah, I did. I hated who I was becoming. I hated what I was doing to us."

"You weren't doing anything to us. It was me, Natalie. I was the one who was broken. Who still is," John admitted as he turned to face her with pain filled eyes.

"You think you're the only one who's damaged, John?" she wondered. "You weren't the one who was about to jump off a roof!"

"True. But there are other ways. . ." he stopped. "Better off a memory."

"What?"

"There's this song. . ."

"I know it. But since when do you listen to country?"

"Since I never changed the radio station you left the alarm on."

"Riiight."

"It saids it better than I could."

Natalie exhaled: "so you just let me walk away because you thought I'd be better off?"

"Yeah."

"And you dated and slept with Marty because?"

"Because I needed someone to save."

Natalie nodded: "and is that all I am right now? Another damsel in distress?"

"You never needed me to save you."

"That's not true. I can list quite a few times when I did."

"You know what I mean, Natalie."

"No. No I don't because you never told me. All I ever got was 'I came back for you,' and a couple of 'I love yous.' The first I sometimes wondered if it was caused by the drugs. The second-- well, sometimes people say it and they sure as hell don't mean it."

John shook his head: "I showed you. Even before I said the words I showed you."

"Why are we doing this? Going round in circles?" she asked. "Like I don't have enough to deal with. My family is imploding. They blame me for Nash's death. For losing the company. Once they figure out that Tess is out I'm sure they'll blame me for that too.

I have no job. They made sure I was blacklisted all over town. I can't even get a job waiting tables at Rodi's or the diner. I tried. Mac wanted to but. . ." she shrugged. "Carlotta let me work a shift. People said outright they wouldn't let me wait on them, even a lot of cops I was friends with. Guess they were afraid of pissing off Nora and my uncle.

I'm broke. Pretty much all I have left is in that motel room, and I'm not going back there because g-d only knows what Tess has planed for me. I mean, for all I know she's killed Jared and framed me!"

"Hey," John said walking up to her and putting his hands on her arms: "Breathe."

"Don't patronize me!"

"I'm not," he said as he ran his hand down her cheek, noting how she still leaned into his touch. "We're doing this because this is what we do. It's not over. It never is with us."

"Isn't Marty down in your room waiting for you?"

John exhaled in exasperation: "I don't want Marty. Not really. I don't know how to get you to believe me."

"If you don't want her what's she doing in your room?"

"She's dying, Natalie."

"And you can't save her from it anymore that you could save her from that wreck."

"I know."

"Then why?"

"What do you want me to say?"

"Words are just words, John. They don't mean what I once thought they did."

Looking at her, John couldn't help but notice that she seemed broken. He couldn't help but want to bring life back into her. Slowly, he leaned in and kissed her. He was a little surprised when she melted into the kiss instead of hitting him. "Actions work for you?" he asked as he drew back.

"You have another woman in your bed."

"She's been sleeping alone," he told her. "What did you think I was doing up here, anyway?"

Shaking her head Natalie leaned back against the door: "what are we going to do?"

"We never were good at figuring that one out, were we?" he asked. "I have a job interview tomorrow, out of town. Come with me."

"Why?"

"Why not?"

"I'm borderline suicidal, not crazy."

John laughed: "give me a chance to make it right?"

"John. . ."

"It wasn't you. I didn't know what. . . I had no idea what I wanted. No idea what I was putting you through."

"And you do now?" she asked doubtfully.

"Chalk it up to a reason that Marty's downstairs. I think I'm getting an idea of what I put you through. I'm just thankful that I didn't learn that from you."

"John. . ."

"If I take the job I'm leaving Landview. Starting over somewhere else. Start over with me?"

Natalie swallowed: "I have nothing here, but I. . . I wanted to try to get it back. Wanted to stay to be here to help Jess. . . but. . ."

"But what?"

"I don't want to take all that blame on," she admitted. "I'm broken too. Somewhere along the line I regressed to that scared little girl with the tough girl exterior that first came to town, only this time there's no Ben to be on my side and help me through. They all hate me again. I can't. . . I can't fight them, because sooner or later I'll be nothing but broken pieces. I'll be screaming secrets. I'll yell at my dad and ask him why he always chooses her over me when I'm his daughter, not her.

I'll tell them how Jess is the reason Jared is here.

How she and Nash backed me into a corner to hire him so they could try to save the vineyard. How she convinced me to flirt with him to help her out.

That's how this all started.

And then I'll tell them about Alison. . ."

"It was you two then."

Natalie nodded: "She had something. Some CD or. . . she taunted Jess with it and Jess being Jess caved and I didn't want her to do it on her own so I helped and. . ."

"You had to try to fix it?"

"Yeah. One more thing that will be my fault, because if I hadn't have come to town, Alison wouldn't have come back. Hell, I'm surprised that no one's blamed me for Ben's death yet!"

"You do that enough on your own."

Deflating Natalie started shaking. Quietly, John took her into his arms. "I just want to stop feeling like this. Like nothing I do is right. Like I ruin everything I touch. That everything bad that's happened is because of something I did wrong."

"You do things right. You don't ruin everything. And I'm starting to realize that bad things happen to all of us. That they're out of our control."

"What brought this revelation about?" she asked pulling back to look up at him.

"Crosby. Should've seen him a long time ago. Might have saved a lot of heartache."

"I don't want to say no, even though I know I should."

"I know."

"I can't go through the pain of loosing you again. I do really stupid things when I don't have you around."

"We'll figure it out."

"I need to make a plan. One that includes proving to my family that I'm just as worthy of their love as Jessica."

"I'll help."

"Yeah, well, it might not be the most above board. . .I'll have to get my hands dirty."

"I'll bring the soap."

Natalie shook her head as she wrapped her arms around his neck: "I don't have any clothes."

"You left some at my place."

"Did I?"

"A huh."

"And you never gave them back because. . .?"

"Hope?"

"I don't want to be this town's next Todd and Blair."

"We'll never be that bad."

"Sometimes I wonder."

Resting his head against hers John let out a breath: "If I ever treat you that badly. . ."

"Its not just. . . he loves her. She loves him. They just can't live together without bringing out the worst in each other."

"I'd like to think we bring out the best in each other."

"Then why does it end up hurting us?"

"We'll figure it out this time. I'll talk more."

"Riiight."

"Alright. I'll try to express my thoughts more. Not push you away when I should be pulling you closer," he said as he slid his hands down to her waist and did just that.

"John, be serious."

"I love you, Natalie. I came back for you. Can you come back for me?"

Natalie sighed: "just as long as you're there to pull back from the ledge when I'm about to jump?"

"I think I can manage that."

Exhaling, she closed her eyes: "I'll go with you."

Smiling John leaned into her: "I'll get my bag and we'll leave now."

"You said your interview was in tomorrow."

"Yeah. I was planning on leaving a while ago, but then I had to pull someone off a ledge."

"John?"

"I came up here to say goodbye. I was letting go, glad I don't have to."

"You were going to leave town without telling me goodbye?" she demanded as she pulled out of his hold.

"Yeah. I was. Didn't want to have to do that. Knew I couldn't do it. Figured I'd write once I got settled."

"You don't even know you have the job."

"The interview's a formality, Natalie. I have the job."

Swallowing, she looked up at him: "so we won't be coming back?"

"Not for a while. Not unless you want to."

Nodding she wrapped her arms around her chest: "I think I can handle that. Nothing left for me here right now. OK. Let's go."

"You're sure?"

"Yeah. I am. Besides, maybe a new town is what we need. New town. New start. No more going in circles. No more interfering friends and relatives who think they know what's better for us then we do. Only you and me, if we don't kill each other," she finished as she dropped her arms and moved back into his.

"We'll make it this time."

"We have to."