A FINAL FANTASY VII
New Year
By, Nathan R Rork
Okay, naturally, there are a few formalities here before I can let you read my fic. Y'know the legal junk ant what not.
This story is copyright 2001 Nathan R. Rork. All written work is original unless otherwise noted. Any resemblance to other works is unintentional and purely coincidental.
FINAL FANTASY VII, and all characters except Bruce are copyright 1997 Squaresoft. (I couldn't live with myself if I didn't give them credit for that one.
If you want to post this story at your own website, I demand you ask me first so I can check the place out. I'll probably say yes, but don't try to screw me, its just plain naughty and I'll come and get you. Don't test me.
A FINAL FANTASY VII New Year
---PART 1---
December 31, 2002, Cloud is having a New Years Eve party at his villa in Costa del Sol. Cloud is already there with Aeris and Tifa who both live there with him. At around 5:30 p.m., Barret shows up with Marlene and a strange man.
"Hey guys! I bought us a keg!" Barret exclaimed. "Here's my keys," he than said to Marlene. "Go to the car and get Daddy his beer, I'll give you ten gil if you don't drop it ." Marlene runs outdoors. "Yeah! Kids love money." Barret said to Cloud. "Nice place ya' got here Cloud!"
"Wait'll ya see the gameroom," Cloud replied. "I bought one of those 3-D Fighter games they have at the Gold Saucer!"
Barret's friend looks around the living room, and notices the windows.
"Oh, I just love those curtains!" He says in a stereotypically, but obviously gay voice.
"Uh, yeah, Aeris picked those out," Cloud said, feeling awkward. "Um.. Barret! Who is this?"
"Oh, yeah! I almost forgot! This is Bruce." Barret answered. "I met him and his uh, brother, was it?"
"Oh, yeah, um, brother, sure, whatever!" said Bruce, suprised.
"Yeah, I met him and his brother at the Chocobo Track." Barret continued. "Anyway, we went to this bar and had some beers. Helluva place that bar... called "The Toolbox". Ever been there Cloud?"
"Um, no, can't say that I have." Cloud replied, seeming concerned.
"Yep, "The Toolbox", helluva place, definitely a guy's bar. I don't remember seeing one woman. And there was a bunch of disco music playin'. The bartender sure was friendly though!"
"Rrright! That's um, really something." said Cloud, still worried.
"Yeah! I um, have to go do something now, um, somewhere else..." Tifa lied, desperate to leave.
"I must also go do something somewhere else." Aeris said half-hearted, and also wanting to leave the room. She follows Tifa into the kitchen. And Marlene comes in carrying a keg of beer.
"Uncle Cloud!" Marlene yelled as she ran over and hugged Cloud, or his leg at least.
"Hi!" Cloud replied, as he shook her off of his leg. "I just got to meet Bruce!"
"Yeah. he's Daddy's little gay friend!" Marlene answered, quite innocently. Cloud, Bruce and Barret instantly crack up.
"Aw, sweetie, Bruce ain't gay." Barret said, correcting his "daughter". "Now go play in the gameroom, uh, but don't look at any of the posters on the wall..." Marlene goes to the gameroom and starts playing. "So, when's everyone else gonna be here?"
"Well." Cloud began to reply. "Reeve should be here any minute, and he's bringing his Cait Sith robot. And Seph[iroth] should be here by now."
"You seen that damn dog of his?" Barret asked.
"Hojo II, yeah, it sure was nice of him to name his wiener dog after his dad."
Sephiroth walks in carrying Hojo II under his arm.
"Hey guys, I bought us a keg" He shouts as he hands his keys to his dog. "Hojo, go to Daddy's car and get his beer, and I'll put some in your dish." Hojo II exits the room.
Tifa enters the living room and turns on the TV
"Ooh!" Bruce exclaims. "Daytime talk shows!" Bruce sits on the couch right next to Tifa.
"You want anything to drink, Bruce?" Cloud asks, trying to be a good host.
"Oh, I would just love a Sea Breeze!"
"Okay, uh, I think I'll have a shot of whiskey... or the whole bottle." Cloud goes to the bar and makes a Sea Breeze and gives it to Bruce. Hojo II walks through the front door, beer keg in tow.
"C'mon Seph, we'll put that in the gameroom" Says Cloud. Seph follows him.
"Y'know, that friend of Barret's is a little..." Seph whispers as he tilts his hand.
"I know," Cloud whispers back. "Barret's clueless too." Just as Cloud and Seph return from the gameroom, Reeve and Cait Sith enter.
"Hey guys, I bought a keg!" Reeve exclaimed, like every other guest that brought a keg. Cait Sith walks out to the car to get the keg. "It's nice to have a robot do all the stuff I wouldn't touch with a 90-ft pole. Where is everyone?"
"Barret and Seph are here." Cloud answered. "Cid and Vincent have been at the bar since 9:00 this morning. And, uh Yuffie and Red should be here soon." Cait Sith returns with Reeve's beer keg.
"Hey Reeve, could I see those controls." Cloud asks. Reeve hands Cloud the controls. "Let's have some fun." Cait Sith walks up behind Aeris and grabs her bum.
"What the hell!" Aeris screams, "Which one of you perverts is at the controls!?" Cait Sith puts his arms around her.
"You know I've always wanted you, Aeris!" Cait Sith says suductively, and in Cloud's voice. "Come to Cait Sith!" Aeris peeks into the other room and sees Cloud at the controls, but Cloud doesn't notice her.
"Cloud, is that you?" She asks.
"Um, no! I'm not Cloud, I'm Cait Sith!" Cait Sith says, still in Cloud's voice. "Let's go to backseat of the Tiny Bronco and uh, ya'know...do it!" Aeris looks at Cloud again, but this time he sees her
"Uh, pay no attention to blonde man in the living room!" He says. "Hey Cloud, Aeris is getting mad." The robot says in Barret's voice. "Shut up Barret!" he says in Cloud's voice once again. "She's falling for it!"
"CLOUD!!!"
"Dammit!" Cait Sith replies, realizing he's busted. "I'm gonna go try this on Tifa." Cait Sith sits on the couch next to Tifa and rubs his hand on her thigh.
"Hello Tifa!" Cait Sith says in the same suductive voice. Cloud than goes through the same back and forth with Tifa, ultimately ending in failure as well. Yuffie and Red XIII enter. Yuffie hugs Cloud.
"Guess what! I bought a keg!" Yuffie exclaimed.
"Yeah, so did everyone else!" Cloud replies. "And I just had the one in the gameroom filled. God, this place is gonna have an eight-inch coat of vomit on the walls before the nights out! Icky!" Yuffie gives Cloud a peck on the cheek.
"You're so cute Cloud!"
"No I'm not... uh..no..wait..yeah, I guess I am!" Cloud replied, completely lacking humility. "Uh, we'll put your keg in the... Y'know, we're running out of spots. Just leave it in the living room." He continues. He than sees Red. "Hey Red! How's it goin'!"
"I am BORED TO DEATH! Nothing happens in Cosmo Canyon anymore!"
"You should move here, this town's pretty exciting!"
"Those damned kids keep kicking soccer balls at me."
"What about Wutai?"
"And live that close to Yuffie? She'd bug the hell out of me!"
"Red, I'm standing right here." Yuffie said, her feelings hurt. "Gawd!"
"Hey you guys, get a load of this 'friend' of Barret's!" Cloud says, trying to change the subject. All attention then turns to Bruce.
"Is he...?" Red whispers to Cloud, and tilting his paw.
"Yeah, I think so." Cloud whispers back.
"Woah!" Bruce yelled, looking at the TV. "Look at that girl coming out on stage, what a whore!"
"Well, she is sleeping with her husband's brother." Tifa added. "And, ugh, her husband's sister." Tifa is disgusted.
"And look at what she's wearing!" Bruce continued. "A black leather miniskirt and a cropped T-shirt! I mean, hello, SLUT!" Tifa nervously and quickly covers herself with a blanket, Yuffie laughs.
"You know what's really slutty Bruce?" Tifa says while glaring at Yuffie. "Those really short khaki shorts and those blue oriental shirts. And its even sluttier if the shorts are unbuckled!"
'That's not slutty," Bruce replies. "I have that outfit at home!" Tifa cracks up, and Yuffie quickly stops laughing.
"Y'know Cloud, I think I'll have some of that beer now." Yuffie says, almost crying. Cid and Vincent quickly walk through the door, wheeling something behind them.
"Hey guys, guess what we got!" Cid shouts, he and Vincent seem a little drunk.
"It's not a keg is it?" Cloud asks, hoping that it isn't.
"Better then that!" Vincent replies as they wheel in a huge, bowl-like, tulip glass.
"It's the World's Largest Margarita!" Cid shouts. "Fifty-five gallons of Tequila and lime juice!"
"They hardly put a dent in it at the bar, so they gave it to us." Vincent explains.
"Do you really think you can drink it all?" Cloud asks.
"That sounds like a challenge to me!" Cid yells. He and Vincent grab straws and start drinking.
---PART II---
It's nearing 8:00 p.m., Cid and Vincent are still steadily drinking the margarita, but have made little progress. Aeris and Tifa have stuck to Cloud like glue for the past two hours. Barret and Yuffie have been playing around with Cait Sith, Marlene is asleep, and Reeve and Red are playing with Seph's dog. Bruce has a little talk with Cloud and says something stupid...
"So Aeris and Tifa are BOTH your girlfriends!?" Bruce asks.
"It's been three years and I still can't pick one." Cloud replies as he stretches. "So I'm juggling!"
"And this works for you?" Bruce asks again.
"Yes." Cloud answers.
"No!" Aeris and Tifa reply simutaniously with Cloud's reply.
"You guys are kinda all over the place here." Says Bruce. "So, who are you gonna kiss at midnight Cloud?" Bruce asks in an even gayer than normal voice. Aeris and Tifa look at Cloud.
"Um, uh, um, I guess um....oh, I know!" Cloud says as he puts an arm around each girl. "First come, first serve!" He continues in an arrogant sounding tone.
"Swish!" Cloud thinks to himself.
"Oh, I guess that sounds fair." Tifa says, sounding confused.
"Uh, yeah, fair." Aeris added, half hearted. Aeris and Tifa walk away than stop suddenly, slowly turn around and slowly walk to Cloud, then run, Aeris trips Tifa and the two start fighting
"Cloud!" Bruce cries. "These two women are wrestling right in front of you, aren't you going to stop them!?"
"Oh...yeah...whatever." Cloud says, in a trance while gazing at the girls.
"Cloud! Break it up!" Bruce whined. "C'mon, break it up you bad man!"
"Yeah, I forgot you're not into the whole 'women thing.'" Cloud says as hebreaks up the fight. Aeris and Tifa shake hands.
"I don't even remember why we were fighting, Tifa." Aeris says, trying to make peace.
"Oh, you were fighting over Cloud!" Bruce answered, failing to notice Aeris' attempt.
"Yeah, that's right." Tifa says, realizing what Cloud said earlier. Tifa and Aeris walk into another room and start making noise, they're obviously fighting again. Bruce looks at Cloud.
"It's kinda like a tire fire Bruce." Cloud explains. "If I try to stop them, I'll only make it worse, it's better to just let it burn." Cloud sits back and tries to relax.
"If you say so." Bruce says, as he also sits back and relaxes. "Hey, where did you put all the beer?"
"Oh, I'll get some..." Cloud replies, surprised. "Hey wait! You drink normal things?"
"Yeah."
"Whatever, you just seemed like a... well...a...um...ugh..."
"Gay?"
"Yeah, um, I have been meaning to ask you this, are you gay?"
"Well, that's for me to know, and you to find out when the closet gets boring!"
"Oh, good Bruce, just brilliant!" Bruce thought to himself. "Why don't you just say 'My name is Bruce, I'm a gigantic horses ass!'"
"'Kay!" Cloud says, somewhat confused. Cloud goes into the kitchen and comes back with two beers.
About ten beers later...
"So, you don't like, have a crush on me or anything do ya' Bruce?" Cloud asks, hoping he doesn't.
"No," He replies. "But that Barret, he's HOT!"
"Got a crush on Barret eh?" Cloud asks. "Uh, Barret... Barret?" He continues, unable to compute this information. "Um, excuse me." Cloud runs to the bathroom, judging from the sounds, he's puking. Afterwards, he walks back into the living room.
"Good news Bruce, I got to taste that steak twice! Um, Barret doesn't know, does he?"
"No, he didn't even know we went to a gay bar. I mean, they didn't even have a game on, it was some damned Sriesand movie. No straight man likes her, he didn't he know?"
"Yeah, I hate it when Aeris or Tifa drags me to one of those stupid chick-flicks. And then Aeris is always talking about her, ugh, feelings, and emotions. And Tifa's always trying to find out what I'm thinking. You should date them Bruce. You practically are a woman, you'd be perfect for them."
"Well I try!" Bruce angrily replies. He notices Cid and Vincent. "Wow, how can those two still be alive? They drank more than four gallons of tequila... apiece!"
"They'll never make it to midnight." Cloud agreed. "The sun's still up for chrissake! And how much have you had to drink, Bruce?"
"This is my twelfth beer, and I had a Sea Breeze earlier." Bruce replies. "But don't worry, Bruce Lance Julian can hold his liq...." Bruce instantly collapses.
"You were saying Bruce? Uh, Bruce?" Cloud slaps him on the face a few times. "C'mon buddy, wake up!"
"Woah! No more Sea Breezes for me." Bruces says as he somes to. "I'm wasted!"
"Okay, it's time to sober you guys up." Cloud decided. "Barret! Drag Cid and Vincent into the kitchen." Barret comes into the kitchen dragging Cid and Vincent under each arm.
"Here you go! What do you need these guys for!" Barret asked as he dropped the two drunks on the floor.
"It's time to make some of my world famous ' Sober in-a-wink juice!'" Cloud says as he places about a dozen jars and bottles on the counter. "This'll clear their heads up in a matter of minutes."
"Well. let's make a batch, what's in it?" asked Barret. Cloud took a deep breath...
"3 shots of Tabasco sauce.
4 ounces of wasabi
2 chopped jabenero peppers
6 ounces of Sylkis Greens..."
"Sylkis greens?" Barret asked, confused.
"Chocobo greens are spicy, and these are the hottest." Cloud replied. "We still gotta put more stuff in.
1 tbls of cayenne pepper
4 chopped jalapeno peppers
6 stay-awake pills
3 Tylenol, for the hangover
1/3 cup of black pepper
And 12 ounces of espresso.
Then we'll have to triple everything to make three of these."
A moment later...
"Holy shit!" Barret shouted. "You expect them to drink that!? Is it even safe to drink it?"
"I don't know." Cloud answered. "You think I'm dumb enough to drink this? Okay, Bruce, Cid, Vincent! Bottoms up!" Cloud hands each of them a mug of pale, greenish-brown liquid, (using the term liquid loosely).
"Ugh! Well, cheers!" Bruce says, sounding frightened. The three touch their glasses to each other and take a swig. "Um... it's..." Bruce's cheeks swell, and he runs to the balcony. Vincent and Cid follow.
"NO! NO! NO!" Cloud yelled, sounding much like Sienfeld. "No! I have a toilet, and, ah, who cares. It ain't landin' in my lawn!"
"Dammit Cloud! It just made 'em puke!" Barret shouted, but also sounding amused.
"Oh, that, no, that's, uh, that's more of a conditioned reflex." Cloud replied, laughing. "Their bodies think it's a toxin or something and puke it up." He explained. "They should be able to keep the rest of it down and they'll be sober in a couple minutes."
"Jesus Cloud!" Cid yelled. "What the hell you tryin' to do to me!?"
"If I wanted to barf, I would've kept on drinking!" Vincent added.
"You have to keep it down for it to any good." replied Cloud. "Finish it off and you'll be fine."
"Hell no!" Vincent screamed as he tried to run away, but Cloud grabs him by his hair and pulls him back into the room.
"Look the vomiting was only a reflex..." Cloud began to explain.
"Oh, is that all?" Bruce interrupted, sarcastically.
"Look, I'll bet you all 5,000 gil that you won't puke this time!" declared Cloud.
"Deal!" agreed Cid.
"I'd do alot more than puke for 5 g's!" Vincent replied.
"Fine!" Bruce said, reluctantly. The three drink the remaining liquid and nothing happens. "Hey! He was right!" Bruce continued. "Damn, he was right. Now I gotta pay him." Bruce opens his wallet and hands Cloud 5,000 gil, Cid and Vincent do the same.
"You know how much money I've won from making this same bet?" Cloud proudly asked.
"15,000 gil?" Barret answered, but also asking, technically.
"Yes." Cloud replied, hanging his head in shame.
---PART III---
It's now nearing 9:00 p.m., people are changing into tuxedos and dresses of sorts for the party which is about to begin. (Cloud's closest friends always arrive early like the free-loaders that they are). Bruce and Barret are standing by the bathroom door...
"I don't give a damn how much it'll make everyone laugh! I ain't wearin' no costume!" Barret shouted. "You wear it!"
"Oh puh-lease, I wish I had the legs to wear it." Bruce replied. "Besides, it's too big for me."
"I don't wanna! Besides, I already bought my tux."
"How about if you just try it on, if you hate it, you don't have to wear it!"
"How about NO!"
"Just try it on!"
"Okay! If it'll quit your bitchin'!" Barret reluctanly agreed.
"Good," replied Bruce. "Now go in there you big hunk of man!"
"Say what!" Barret shouted, hoping he didn't hear what he thought he heard.
"I'm gonna get a big hunk of SPAM! In the kitchen." Bruce lied. "Now try on the costume you sexy man!"
"What'd you say!?" Barret asked as he started to freak out.
"Uh, That Yuffie's sexy... man!" Bruce half-heartedly said as he punches Barret in the arm.
"Uh, yeah, I guess she is. But I don't think you could handle her." replies Barret, relieved. Barret walks into the bathroom and locks the door. "Damn. If I didn't know better I'd swear Bruce was comin' on to me." Barret said to himself. "Naw, Bruce ain't gay. Just my imagination, I hope."
Barret opens up the box, inside is a top hat, a diaper (Ick!), and a sash that says "Baby '03"
"What! There is no fu...oh, wait! I get it! Hahahahahah!" Barret laughed. "Oh geez, that Bruce! Always jokin' around! Damn, I'm stupid! I really thought Bruce expected me to wear this!" Barret begins to laugh hysterically at the costume.
Meanwhile, back in the living room. Aeris walks by Bruce and notices he looks upset.
"Hey Bruce, how's it goin'?" She asked.
"I tried to make Barret the laughing stock of Costa del Sol." Bruce explained. "I rented this dumb looking costume, but he refused to wear it!"
"Don't worry about it, he's dressed up like an idiot before." Aeris replied, hoping to cheer him up.
"Like that time he dressed up like a sailor." Cloud recalled.
"Yeah, I was there, he looked really dorky!" Seph added.
"Then there was this time in Midgar when I first met Cloud." Aeris began to recall. "He had to save Tifa from this perverted guy, so he dressed up like a..." Cloud puts his hand over Aeris' mouth, cutting her off in mid-sentence.
"Aeris, honey," Cloud said calmly. "Ixni on the ag-dray in front of the omo-hay exual-say."
"I can speak Pig Latin." Bruce shouted. "Ickhead-day!"
"Burn!" Seph laughed.
"Anyway," Aeris continued. "Cloud had to dress up like a wo..." Cloud covers her mouth again.
"CLOUD WAS DRESSED LIKE A GIRL!!!!" Seph shouted, then getting a huge smirk on his face.
"Shit." Cloud muttered quietly.
"Reeeeeeeeeeeeeeal-ly!?" Bruce said, grinning ear to ear. "Do tell, I HAVE to hear more about this!"
"Three years ago I had to wear a dress to sneak into a brothal and save Tifa." Cloud finally explained.
"You wore alot more than a dress!" Aeris shouted, making Cloud quite upset. "You had a blonde wig on, a pair of high heels, Wutai perfume, make-up, some sort of diamond tiara, you were even wearing women's underwear for chrissake!"
"Well, Tifa! Just what were you doing in a whore house, deary?" Asked Bruce.
"I was abducted, Okay!" Tifa explained.
"Sure you were." replied an unconvinced Bruce.
"Hey Seph, how'd you about that?" Cloud asked. "I never told you."
"Tifa showed me a picture of you in the dress." Seph explained, laughing. "About twenty minutes later, Y'kow, when I stopped laughing, she told me why you did that." Cloud glares a Tifa, as does everyone else in the room.
"Uh, hey! Remember that time in Junon when, uh, when I got into that uh, slap fight?" asked a scared Tifa.
"No." Cloud replied angrily, only to make Tifa begin to sweat profusely.
"That's not as funny as what Cloud did." Yuffie laughed.
"I don't remember that either." Aeris added.
"Oh, geez. That must've happened when you were um, dead." Cloud explained. Seph grins at Aeris sheepishly.
"Oh." Aeris replied. She then kicked Seph in the knee.
"Ouch!" yelled Seph. "Jesus Aeris! How many more times do I have to apologize for that!?"
Barret walk sinto the room as Seph is down on the ground cursing.
"Hey! Was you guys talkin' 'bout that time Cloud dressed like a girl?" asked Barret. Cloud's face started to turn a bright red.
"I had to save Tifa!" Cloud insisted, hoping it would shut everyone up.
"That's not what the guy at the dress shop said!" Barret replied, getting everyone's attention. Cloud collapses and falls down on his knees.
"Crap." Cloud said quietly, not sure what Barret was going to say.
"This is the way the guy at the dress shop tells it" Barret starts to explain. "Aeris told him Cloud wanted do dress up like a cute girl at least once in his life!" Barret continued. "Aeris showed me the photo too!" Barret laughed, along with everyone except for Cloud.
"Y'know Aeris." Cloud realized. "I don't remeber you taking a picture of that."
"Don Corneo took the picture at his mansion, when you were in his bedroom." She explained. "I still have it. Hey Bruce, you wanna see!?"
"Oh yes! Do show me!" said an excited Bruce. Aeris goes into her bedroom, lifts up her matress and pulls out the photo. She then comes bank to the livingroom and shows Bruce a photo of the Don and Cloud (in drag) about to kiss.
"Ooh! Cloudy Cloudy!" Bruce exclaimed. "You'll have to show me how to be that sexy! Barret cracks up and everyone else just laughs nervously.
"Okay Bruce," Barret laughs. "Nobody likes a smart ass!"
"Oh yeah, smart ass..." Bruce lies. "I'm a real prick!" Aeris and Cloud exchange worried glances.
"I still have one question though, Cloud." Barret said. "Why did you go to the Honeybee Inn? And what the HELL did you and Mukki do?"
"Mukki? I know him!" Bruce interrupted. "He tried to get me into a hot tub with half a dozen men, what kind of stupid whore did he take me for?" Cloud laughs nervously.
"Yeah... they'd have to be a real slut." Cloud nervously agrees. "Yep, I just tried to get some imformation out of him, and gave me some uh, beer!" Cloud lies, badly. "Yeah, he gave me beer, not women's underwear or anything dumb like that." Barret glares at him.
"You were stupid enough to let that guy get you drunk?" Barret yelled. "You some kind of spikey-headed dumbass!?" Yuffie laughs.
"We watched the game, that's all!" Cloud lied again, but no one believes him.
"Bullshit!" Aeris yells. Everyone in the room is shocked to hear a sweet girl like her say such a word. "You told me you were in the hot tub with him and his friends!" Bruce faints, Cloud covers Aeris' mouth again, this time she slaps him in the face.
"Don't you slap MY man!" Tifa yells, and slaps Aeris.
"You did NOT just slap me!" Aeris yells, slapping Tifa back. "And Cloud likes ME!" Cloud starts to run toward the door as soon as he hears this. "Right Cloud!?" Aeris asks. Cloud stops) dead in his tracks, realizing certain doom is inevitable.
"Um, well, I um..." Cloud mutters. "Barret! Save me!" Cloud yells as he dives behind him.
"Damn boy!" Barret shouts in disgust. "Take a look at yourself, you wimp!" Barret picks up Cloud and places him in front of the girls. "Now be a man!"
Aeris and Tifa each give Cloud dirty looks the likes of which the world has never seen. Cloud, overcome by this amount of sheer terror, takes a cowardly leap behind Cait Sith.
"I don't wanna!" Whines Cloud.
"C'mon Cloud," Bruce shouts. "Quit acting like a little girl!"
"Man, even Bruce is calling me a wimp." Cloud thinks to himself. "Think Cloud, think!"
"Cloud!" Seph yells. "Just show your women who's boss! You're the man, you outrank them!"
Aeris and Tifa's faces turn bright red, all the men, except Seph, who is paralyzed with fear, take cover.
"What!" Aeris and Tifa scream, sounding much like that little girl from The Exorcist.
"Oh Shit" Seph mutters before Tifa and Aeris beat the hell out of him.
"A moment of silence for Sephiroth, my brave but idiotic friend." Cloud says solemnly. "Well, now that that unpleasentness is behind us forever, who wants to play pool!?" All the guys run to the gameroom cheering, except for Seph, who sort of crawls.
---PART IV---
It's now 10:00. Cloud has been in the gameroom for the past hour. He's been kicking everyone's ass in pool and the 3-D Fighter.
Cloud is playing a game of pool with Red, and he's winning.
"8-ball in the side pocket" says Cloud. He make it and wins the game. "Hah! Pay up Red!"
"Damn! I need thumbs!" Red shouts. "I suck at pool! Play me in football, you'll get your ass whipped!"
"Let's play tennis! Oh, wait! You can't hold the raquet, hah!"
"You lookin' to get mauled!?"
"Just forget it. Besides, my tuxedo's too expensive to get shredded."
"You're just scared he'll beat you up Uncle Cloud!" Marlene insists, while she walks out of Tifa's room. Barret is suprised to see her still awake at this hour.
"Marlene! What're you doin' up?" Barret asks his "daughter."
"You expect me to sleep all night and miss all the fun?" Marlene asks, not expecting a serious answer. "So can I stay up?" she asks her "father" while looking at him with big, huge, innocent, puppy-dog eyes.
"Aw! Ain't that cute. Um...sure!" Barret says. "Now, Daddy may act a little goofy tonight, but I'll be fine in the morning!" He explains. "Now, go watch some cartoons."
"Okay Daddy!" Marlene walks away.
"Works every time!" She says to herself, as she walks to the TV and passes by Seph and Yuffie.
"You were in SOLDIER, right?" Yuffie asks. "What's the best way to master materia? You must have a secret." Seph gets a smile on his face.
"I do." He admits. "You walk around, and fight alot of enemies, it's the only way to buildup materia, for the millionth time!" he yells. "But I do know where you could probably find alot of materia."
"I'm all ears!" Yuffie shouts, excitedly.
"Go to the Midgar ruins, and climb into the barrel of the Sister Ray." He directs. "Alot of Mako energy was shot through there, there's probably a coating of materia in there an inch thick!"
Seph smiles again, realizing that Yuffie believes him.
"Seph, how would you like to go out on a date with me?" Yuffie asks, grinning ear to ear.
"Nah, I'll tell you anyway," Seph replies, rejecting her "bribe." "The barrel's about a mile and a half long and about sixty feet in circumferance. There's a one inch coating of materia, that's millions of cubic inches." Seph says, attempting to do math. "You can get about one materia from a cubic inch. And at a price of about..."
"A million gil apiece!" Yuffie adds, growing more excited.
"It's worth trillions!" Seph concludes. "Tens of trillions maybe." Upon hearing this, Yuffie's grin becomes even bigger,and she faints, remaining completely rigid. Seph runs over to her.
"Um, Yuffie? Yuf?" Seph asks, trying to wake her up. "Um, oh shit!" Seph runs to Cloud, who's in the other room with Aeris pondering the mysteries of the universe.
"Did you ever notice how we're like, always wearing the same clothes?" Cloud asks Aeris. "I 've had those same blue pants since I was a kid!" Seph walks in and grabs Cloud.
"Cloud! Yuffie fainted!" Seph cried. The two run back into the living room where Yuffie is still laying, Cloud carries her to the couch and notices the grin on her face.
"You told her about the Sister Ray, didn't you?" Cloud concludes.
"Uh, yeah..." Seph admits, grinning sheepishly. Yuffie finally wakes up.
"I had this beautiful dream," Yuffie says, sounding abnormally calm and pleasant. "I dreamt that there was materia inside the Sister Ray."
"There is materia inside the Sister Ray." Cloud comfirmed.
"Then this must be a dream too!" Yuffie insisted. Cloud smacks Yuffie upside the head.
"Ow! Y'know, you could've just pinched me!" She yells, rubbing the back of her head.
"Yeah, but, y'kow, I... don't really care..." Cloud explains, thinking he is the coolest man alive.
"So there really is materia in the Sister Ray?" Yuffie asks again, still suspecting this to be untrue.
"Trillions of gil worth, yours for the taking." Seph confirmed again.
"Is that so..." Yuffie walks toward the door carrying several large, empty sacks and grabs a set of keys.
"Cid! I'm borrowing your plane!" Yuffie shouts as she tries to leave.
"Buy me some more gas!" Cid yells back. Yuffie opens the door and walks outside, but Cloud grabs her by the headband and pulls her back inside the house.
"Get back over here...." Cloud shouts, and sets her down on the couch. Yuffie tries to run away again, but Cloud tackles her and pins her to the floor.
"Get off of me you spiky-headed dumbass!" Yuffie screams. Cloud slowly stands up, but doesn't let Yuffie get away. Seph cracks at what Yuffie called Cloud.
"Spiky-headed dumbass! Oh that's a good one!" Seph yells, laughing. "Because of your hair! It works on so many levels!" Seph falls down to the floor from laughter.
"It's too dangerous to drink, fly halfway around the world, and then walk into the barrel of a gigantic CANNON!" Cloud explains. "I just have a bad feeling about it, that's all." Yuffie puts away her bags and sits down on the couch.
"Fine, I'll go tomorrow, mother!" Yuffie says, sarcastically. She buries her face in a pillow and appears to be crying.
"If you keep giving me lip, you are GROUNDED Little Missy, and I am NOT joking!" Cloud teased, and then began to comfort the evil little ninja girl.
"God Cloud, don't be such an ass!" Seph said, also teasing. "You made that poor girl cry."
Suddenly, as if to inconspicuously shatter a Writer's Block that the author of this story was experienceing, Tifa aand Aeris burst into the room, wrestling again.
"Um...yeah...ass....sure..." Cloud mumbles. In his trance again, he sits down on the couch with a beer and a bag of chips.
"Cloud! What the hell are you....looking....at?" Seph asks. Also falling into a trance, he grabs a beer of his own and sits on the couch next to Cloud. Bruce walks in and notices the girls.
"Oh Christ! Cloud!" Bruce cried. "I don't give a damn about your "tire fire" theory! Break up the fight!"
"Not now Bruce." Cloud said, concentrating ont he girls.
"When they did this on Labor Day, Tifa lost her top..." Seph added. Cait Sith walks in with a camcorder in his hand.
"This time I'm prepared in the event of an encore." Says Cait Sith. Cid and Vincent walk in and start watching the fight.
"Don't you already have some sort of built-in camera, Cait?" Cid asks, drunk again.
"It was supposed to be funny you imbecile!" Cait Sith yells, angry that Cid blew the joke.
"Hey Reeve!" Vincent says to Cait. "You're missing all the fun!"
"No I'm not, I'm right here." Reeve says, correcting Vincent. "You think I want to waste this momentous occasion by being behind a camcorder? That's what robots are for." The wrestling becomes more extreme, Barret walks in and starts watching the fight too.
"Oh yeah, now its getting good!" Barret shouts.
"Cloud, you lucky S.O.B." Vincetn shouts. Just then, Aeris' dress flies up and all the guys cheer.
"Woah!" Seph exclaims in a high-pitched tone. Every one laughs.
"Go for the chest!" Cid yells. "Go for the chest!" Yuffie stops crying and even she starts watching the fight.
"Wow, those two have alot of energy!" Yuffie shouts. All the guys just kind of stare at her for a moment.
"Eww! Yuffie?" asked Vincent. "Why are you watching this?" Yuffie's eyes start to tear up again.
"I just wanted to be part of the moment." she cried. By now she's sobbing again.
"Than could you jump on in there and start tearing at fabric?" Reeve asks. He than sees Yuffie's face and realizes he's in trouble.
"HELL NO!" Yuffie yells. "PERVERT!!" Yuffie then kicks him right in the testicles. He falls to ground and his face turns bright red.
"I'll be good!" he says, in an incredibly high-pitched voice.
"See that you do!" Yuffie shouts, kicking him again. Cloud sees this and gets an idea.
"Hmm, It's a real shame you won't dive in there." Cloud shouts. "They've been calling you names y'know!" As he hoped, this gets Yuffie's attention.
"Like what?" She asks, not believing him.
"I can't recall exactly. But it was something along the lines of ' greedy, materia-thieving slut.'" he lied.
"You're lying!"
"Am I?" Yuffie pauses for a momen to give this some deep thought.
"YES!" She yells, loudly. Cloud puts his arm around her and starts patting her shoulder.
"That's cute that you think that, it really is." Cloud says, trying to sound sincere. "I'm glad you trust them."
"You just want to see their clothes get torn off you pigs!" She screams, realizing Cloud's little ploy.
"GET OUT OF MY BRAIN!!!!!!!!" Cid screams, sounding terrified. "Uh, I mean, what makes you think that sweetie?"
"Ah, screw it!" She yells as she runs to the bar for a beer.
"That's it, I'm outta here!" Cloud exclaims, and he goes to his bedroom.
"This is nuts, I have to pick one of those girls, or they're just gonna fight over me all night. I'm flattered that I'm that popular, but still. I gotta choose dammit!" Cloud says to himself. "Let's see, Aeris or Tifa. Aeris is nicer, cuter, but she dresses like a first grader! And she has huge bangs. Tifa's almost as nice, and I've known her alot longer. Also, she's got tits the size of ripe cantelopes! But on the other hand, she dresses like a 1980's hooker. I should also consider that the girl I don't pick will kick my ass, and those rods really hurt. And I have to think about the possiblity of getting lucky tonight too. Man, I just hope this doesn't blow up in my face...moreso."
Bruce walks in and sees Cloud sitting on his bed.
"I couldn't help overhear you talking to yourself!"
"And?"
"You're blowing this way out of proportion!"
"I am?"
"Yeah." Bruce insists. "You're not deciding who to spend the rest of your life with. Just who you're gonna kiss at, and maybe get lucky with after midnight! Which I guarentee will NOT happen if you keep giving off that jackass vibe!"
"I'm being a jackass!?" Cloud yells, beginning to imitate Bruce. "Mister 'I'm-gonna-make-my-man-Barret-dress-up-like-a-baby-new-year!'" Bruce's face turns red.
"At least I don't sound like this." Brue replies, beginning to mimic Cloud. " I'm juggling, so it's first come, first serve, SWISH!" Cloud gets equally upset.
"That is so NOT how I act!" Cloud yells.
"`Fraid so!"
"`Fraid not!"
"`Fraid so!"
"`Fraid not!
"`Fraid so infinity!!!!!"
"`Fraid not infinity plus one!!!!!" Cloud countered.
"Touch`e." Bruce says. "`Fraid so infinity plus two!!!!!!!"
"`FRAID NOT INFINITY PLUS INIFITY TO THE INFINITE POWER, PLUS 1,000!!"
"Damn!" Bruce said, realizing he could never beat that high of a number. "You've won this round Strife!" Yuffie walks in, unfortunately, after hearing all of that childish argument.
"Aw, you're fighting!" She teases. "I hope you don't break up. You make such a cute couple."
"I've had just about enough of YOU, Little Woman!" Bruce yells.
"That's funny Bruce. I though you were the little woman!" replied Yuffie. Bruce makes a loud, high-pitched gasp.
"What do want Yuffie!" Cloud asks.
"Tifa and Aeris stopped wrestling." She answers. "And come to the living room, you have got to see this."
In the living room, Cid and Vincent are singing a ghastly kareoke rendition of I Got You Babe.
"That ain't half-bad. I LOVE CHER!" Bruce says. "Um, are they..." Bruce tilts his hand.
"Ick! No! Cid's married!" Cloud yells. "And Vincents been a bit of a womanizer since he accquired a personality!"
"They've gotten into the margirita again." Tifa explains. Cloud looks at her like she's an idiot.
"How do you figure." Cloud asks, being sarcastic, but Tifa doesn't pick up on it.
"Well, for starters...." She explains. "THEY'RE SINGING A GODDAMN DUET YOU IDIOT!!!!!!!!!!"
"Idiot eh? Guess this idioi'll be kissing AERIS at midnight!" Tifa panics upon hearing this.
"No! No! No! No! No! I take it all back. Actually, um, I"M THE IDIOT!" Tifa lied, trying to redeem herself.
"You just be more careful next time..."
"Haha!" Cloud thought to himself. "Cloud: 1 Tifa: 0!"
"What an idiot!" Tifa thought to herself. "Oh well, Cloud: 1 Tifa: 34,201!"
For the next two hours, everyone watches Cid and Vincent make idiots of themselves.
--PART V--
The clock strikes midnight, need I say more?
Everyone in town yells 'Happy New Year!'. Confetti drops from everywhere, and people start drinking champagne. Cloud stands up and gets the girls' attention.
"Well girls, It's midnight!" Aeris and Tifa run to Cloud, but Yuffie jumps in front of them and starts to kiss Cloud, on the mouth, for a long time.
"What the hell is she doing?" Cloud thought to himself. "Did she just grab my, Oh God! A colored orb falls out Yuffie's blouse. "What the hell!" Cloud quickly opens her shirt and several more fall out.
"Well, Cloud, somebody's a little amerous tonight." Yuffie says calmly, while she closes up her shirt.
"My materia! Aha! You little materia whore!" Cloud yells. "How far would you go to get one of these?" Cloud really didn't want an answer.
"For starters, I'd hug and kiss you, like I did today, and I'd walk into the barrel of a cannon.." She gets a glass of champagne and leaves.
"Well Aeris. I guess we can we can stop fighting." Tifa said, trying to make peace. "It's after midnight, we both lost."
"Yeah, the romance is pretty much ruined." Aeris agreed. "Wanna go get some champagne?"
"Yeah, sure." They're friends again.
"What the hell just happened?" Cloud asked Bruce.
"You know how you said you didn't want this to blow up in your face?" Bruce explained. "Well... Ka-blooey!"
"Where did I go wrong, Bruce?"
"Probably around the time you decided to let the girls fight over you."
"Or maybe it was when a certain little gay man questioned my having two girlfriends."
"Nope, I'm pretty sure it was all you."
"You sure know alot about women Bruce, it's too bad you're gay."
"Oh, be nice!" Bruce let his wrist go limp, making the traditional gay pose.
"Let's go get something to drink. You should be a shrink, you'd be good at it."
Cloud and Bruce walk into the kitchen and pass by Seph and Red.
"Hey Red, ain't you havin' any champagne?" Seph asked.
"How? I can't hold onto a wine glass." Red replied.
"That reminds me," said Yuffie. "I picked you up something at this novelty shop!" She takes out a plastic beer dispensing helmet filled with champagne and puts it on Red's head. "Perfect fit."
"This is cool!" Red exclaimed. "This is damn cool!" Yuffie fills the holders with champagne.
"Hey! Where's Barret?" Seph asked. "He's missing all the fun!"
"Last I saw, he was drinking from that margirita." Reeve replied, still walking funny.
Barret runs out into the living room, quite drunk, wearing the Baby New Year costume
"Yo!" Barret yelled. "Happy New Year everybody! I'm Baby '03!"
All the men except for Bruce turn away, Bruce goes into a state of shock and collapses.
"Oh God! I did not need to see that!" Aeris yelled.
"I could use some of that margirita now..." Bruce mumbled as he came to. Tifa quickly ran in with a camera and took a picture of Barret.
"This is one for the picture book!" Tifa shouted. "It's right up there with Cloud in drag!"
"He's gonna just die when he realizes what he did!" Cid exclaimed.
"We'll draw straws to see who gets to tell him!" Cloud replied.
"Hey Cid! Y'know, there's still alot of margirita left!" Vincent shouted.
"You're right." Cid replied. "Hey you guys! Let's finish this thing off!"
"It's after midnight! I don't care if I remember anything else!" agreed Seph.
"This has been a weird ass party anyway!" agreed Red
"What the hell, you only live once!" agreed Bruce
"I've used up my dignity for the night, I'm in!" agreed Barret
"I might as well do something constructive with my time." agreed Tifa
"Well, I should always bend to peer pressure, count me in!" agreed Yuffie
"I'm in too." agreed Reeve
"I'll pass" Aeris replied. "There's just something un-appealing about 40 gallons of tequila."
"I'm out too, I'll just supervise." said Cloud. "I've thrown up enough times tonight. Just be careful."
"World's Largest Margirita, tonight you shall be conquered!" said Vincent, solemnly..
"But you will have your revenge in the form of a god-awful hangover!" added Red.
Cid, Vincent, Red, Yuffie, Bruce, Barret, Reeve and Seph grab straws and begin drinking.
"They'll all be out like lights soon." said Cloud.
"I guess that's pretty much the end of our party then." Aeris replied. "I'm gonna go change out of this expensive dress."
"I'll change out my dress too. Damn! I meant my tux!"
"Yeah right." Cloud and Aeris go to their respective rooms.
---PART VI---
It's close to 4:30 a.m. Everyone except Cloud and Aeris is passed out. Ther two are in their normal clothes now and have cleaned the house a bit. The margirita has been sucked dry...
"I can't believe they drank the whole thing." said Cloud, shocked.
"It took them three hours, but still..." Aeris added.
"What a night, it waas by far one of our more bizzare parties. And what the hell was the deal with that Bruce?"
"I liked him, a nice guy. He gave me some great tips on decorating the house"
"Yeah, he was pretty cool once you got past the awkwardness and all."
"So, how did you feel about me and Tifa fighting over you?"
"I didn't like seeing you two fighting. You're too good of friends to fight like that."
"We did notice you guys watching us, and hoping to see one of our shirts fly off."
"Uh, what I meant is that in retrospect, after I came to my senses, that I didn't like to see my two cute girlfriends wrestling right in front of me."
"I didn't mind. But Cid and Vincent gazing at me on the other hand..."
"It's too stressful trying to 'choose' one of you. I can't even pick a movie to see when we go on a date."
"You just don't want to hurt either of us, that's sweet in a sick far-fetched way. You'll pick one of when the time is right."
"At least I don't have a deadline, that eases the tension." Aeris takes a look at everyone, passed out.
"Think any of these guys are gonna wake up anytime soon?" Aeris asked,
"Nah! If they aren't passed out, they're asleep by now. What a way to start a new year." Aeris looks at the celebrartion going on outside.
"People are still partying in the streets, but we're exhausted. Kinda makes you feel old doesn't it?" She asked.
"I'm 24, I don't wanna think about old age."
"Cid's old, and he still has fun."
"He's only ten years older than I am. I don't wanna be old when I'm 34 either. You're depressing me."
"Fine, I'll avoid depressing subjects. So, Yuffies gonna be filfthy rich soon."
"That would qualify as depressing. She's the last person who should have money and power."
"We can mess with her mind and say that Seph was lying."
"First we have to show Barret his Baby '03 photo."
"Then we can sell it to Bruce!"
"Well I sure as hell don't wanna see a picture of Barret in a daiper."
"So what do wanna do till they all wake up?" Aeris asked.
"Go to bed. I'm tired!" Cloud replied. "But first, I have to get back at Yuffie." Cloud takes Yuffie's hand and puts it on Bruce's left buttock. "Haha! That's a good start."
"Y'know, it's ironic. Tifa and I were fighting over you all night, and neither of us got to kiss you at midnight."
"Yeah, kinda destroyed the moment." Cloud replied, then he got an idea in his head. "Hey, wait!" Cloud pretends to strech, but moves his hand to the clock and sets it to 12:00. "Why look! It is midnight again! How very odd!" Cloud said in a half-hearted tone of voice. Aeris looks at Cloud and they kiss, and hold it, for a while....like, minutes.
"Swish!" Cloud thought to himself.
Fin.
Well, there it was, my first fic. This was also the longest story I ever wrote. 23 pages typed.
The following are a few facts about this story and its history.
-I began writing this story in March of 2000, when I played a gay OSHA rep. in the school play. This is where the inspiration for Bruce came from.
-Special thanks to my friend Tom for naming his FF8 GF Diablo, "Bruce", and to Homer Simpson for saying that the three gayest names are, Bruce, Lance, and Julian.
-I orginally wrote this as a play, but since RPGamer (where I first submitted this fic.) doesn't accept too many plays, I re-wrote into a story, which is why there is so much diologue.
-My thanks to you for reading my 'fic', and a special thanks if you enjoyed.
-Very Special Thanks to RPGamer for posting this (if you're reading this, it means it's been posted) ***Actually, Rpgamer.com REJECTED this story, so they can shove their fic section up their ass.***
-Special Thanks to SquareSoft for releasing FF7 in the first place.
-Finally, thanks to my friends Tom and Eric for laughing at lines that I may have otherwise left out.
I Plan on writing more fics.
Nathan R. Rork
July 28, 2000
New Year
By, Nathan R Rork
Okay, naturally, there are a few formalities here before I can let you read my fic. Y'know the legal junk ant what not.
This story is copyright 2001 Nathan R. Rork. All written work is original unless otherwise noted. Any resemblance to other works is unintentional and purely coincidental.
FINAL FANTASY VII, and all characters except Bruce are copyright 1997 Squaresoft. (I couldn't live with myself if I didn't give them credit for that one.
If you want to post this story at your own website, I demand you ask me first so I can check the place out. I'll probably say yes, but don't try to screw me, its just plain naughty and I'll come and get you. Don't test me.
A FINAL FANTASY VII New Year
---PART 1---
December 31, 2002, Cloud is having a New Years Eve party at his villa in Costa del Sol. Cloud is already there with Aeris and Tifa who both live there with him. At around 5:30 p.m., Barret shows up with Marlene and a strange man.
"Hey guys! I bought us a keg!" Barret exclaimed. "Here's my keys," he than said to Marlene. "Go to the car and get Daddy his beer, I'll give you ten gil if you don't drop it ." Marlene runs outdoors. "Yeah! Kids love money." Barret said to Cloud. "Nice place ya' got here Cloud!"
"Wait'll ya see the gameroom," Cloud replied. "I bought one of those 3-D Fighter games they have at the Gold Saucer!"
Barret's friend looks around the living room, and notices the windows.
"Oh, I just love those curtains!" He says in a stereotypically, but obviously gay voice.
"Uh, yeah, Aeris picked those out," Cloud said, feeling awkward. "Um.. Barret! Who is this?"
"Oh, yeah! I almost forgot! This is Bruce." Barret answered. "I met him and his uh, brother, was it?"
"Oh, yeah, um, brother, sure, whatever!" said Bruce, suprised.
"Yeah, I met him and his brother at the Chocobo Track." Barret continued. "Anyway, we went to this bar and had some beers. Helluva place that bar... called "The Toolbox". Ever been there Cloud?"
"Um, no, can't say that I have." Cloud replied, seeming concerned.
"Yep, "The Toolbox", helluva place, definitely a guy's bar. I don't remember seeing one woman. And there was a bunch of disco music playin'. The bartender sure was friendly though!"
"Rrright! That's um, really something." said Cloud, still worried.
"Yeah! I um, have to go do something now, um, somewhere else..." Tifa lied, desperate to leave.
"I must also go do something somewhere else." Aeris said half-hearted, and also wanting to leave the room. She follows Tifa into the kitchen. And Marlene comes in carrying a keg of beer.
"Uncle Cloud!" Marlene yelled as she ran over and hugged Cloud, or his leg at least.
"Hi!" Cloud replied, as he shook her off of his leg. "I just got to meet Bruce!"
"Yeah. he's Daddy's little gay friend!" Marlene answered, quite innocently. Cloud, Bruce and Barret instantly crack up.
"Aw, sweetie, Bruce ain't gay." Barret said, correcting his "daughter". "Now go play in the gameroom, uh, but don't look at any of the posters on the wall..." Marlene goes to the gameroom and starts playing. "So, when's everyone else gonna be here?"
"Well." Cloud began to reply. "Reeve should be here any minute, and he's bringing his Cait Sith robot. And Seph[iroth] should be here by now."
"You seen that damn dog of his?" Barret asked.
"Hojo II, yeah, it sure was nice of him to name his wiener dog after his dad."
Sephiroth walks in carrying Hojo II under his arm.
"Hey guys, I bought us a keg" He shouts as he hands his keys to his dog. "Hojo, go to Daddy's car and get his beer, and I'll put some in your dish." Hojo II exits the room.
Tifa enters the living room and turns on the TV
"Ooh!" Bruce exclaims. "Daytime talk shows!" Bruce sits on the couch right next to Tifa.
"You want anything to drink, Bruce?" Cloud asks, trying to be a good host.
"Oh, I would just love a Sea Breeze!"
"Okay, uh, I think I'll have a shot of whiskey... or the whole bottle." Cloud goes to the bar and makes a Sea Breeze and gives it to Bruce. Hojo II walks through the front door, beer keg in tow.
"C'mon Seph, we'll put that in the gameroom" Says Cloud. Seph follows him.
"Y'know, that friend of Barret's is a little..." Seph whispers as he tilts his hand.
"I know," Cloud whispers back. "Barret's clueless too." Just as Cloud and Seph return from the gameroom, Reeve and Cait Sith enter.
"Hey guys, I bought a keg!" Reeve exclaimed, like every other guest that brought a keg. Cait Sith walks out to the car to get the keg. "It's nice to have a robot do all the stuff I wouldn't touch with a 90-ft pole. Where is everyone?"
"Barret and Seph are here." Cloud answered. "Cid and Vincent have been at the bar since 9:00 this morning. And, uh Yuffie and Red should be here soon." Cait Sith returns with Reeve's beer keg.
"Hey Reeve, could I see those controls." Cloud asks. Reeve hands Cloud the controls. "Let's have some fun." Cait Sith walks up behind Aeris and grabs her bum.
"What the hell!" Aeris screams, "Which one of you perverts is at the controls!?" Cait Sith puts his arms around her.
"You know I've always wanted you, Aeris!" Cait Sith says suductively, and in Cloud's voice. "Come to Cait Sith!" Aeris peeks into the other room and sees Cloud at the controls, but Cloud doesn't notice her.
"Cloud, is that you?" She asks.
"Um, no! I'm not Cloud, I'm Cait Sith!" Cait Sith says, still in Cloud's voice. "Let's go to backseat of the Tiny Bronco and uh, ya'know...do it!" Aeris looks at Cloud again, but this time he sees her
"Uh, pay no attention to blonde man in the living room!" He says. "Hey Cloud, Aeris is getting mad." The robot says in Barret's voice. "Shut up Barret!" he says in Cloud's voice once again. "She's falling for it!"
"CLOUD!!!"
"Dammit!" Cait Sith replies, realizing he's busted. "I'm gonna go try this on Tifa." Cait Sith sits on the couch next to Tifa and rubs his hand on her thigh.
"Hello Tifa!" Cait Sith says in the same suductive voice. Cloud than goes through the same back and forth with Tifa, ultimately ending in failure as well. Yuffie and Red XIII enter. Yuffie hugs Cloud.
"Guess what! I bought a keg!" Yuffie exclaimed.
"Yeah, so did everyone else!" Cloud replies. "And I just had the one in the gameroom filled. God, this place is gonna have an eight-inch coat of vomit on the walls before the nights out! Icky!" Yuffie gives Cloud a peck on the cheek.
"You're so cute Cloud!"
"No I'm not... uh..no..wait..yeah, I guess I am!" Cloud replied, completely lacking humility. "Uh, we'll put your keg in the... Y'know, we're running out of spots. Just leave it in the living room." He continues. He than sees Red. "Hey Red! How's it goin'!"
"I am BORED TO DEATH! Nothing happens in Cosmo Canyon anymore!"
"You should move here, this town's pretty exciting!"
"Those damned kids keep kicking soccer balls at me."
"What about Wutai?"
"And live that close to Yuffie? She'd bug the hell out of me!"
"Red, I'm standing right here." Yuffie said, her feelings hurt. "Gawd!"
"Hey you guys, get a load of this 'friend' of Barret's!" Cloud says, trying to change the subject. All attention then turns to Bruce.
"Is he...?" Red whispers to Cloud, and tilting his paw.
"Yeah, I think so." Cloud whispers back.
"Woah!" Bruce yelled, looking at the TV. "Look at that girl coming out on stage, what a whore!"
"Well, she is sleeping with her husband's brother." Tifa added. "And, ugh, her husband's sister." Tifa is disgusted.
"And look at what she's wearing!" Bruce continued. "A black leather miniskirt and a cropped T-shirt! I mean, hello, SLUT!" Tifa nervously and quickly covers herself with a blanket, Yuffie laughs.
"You know what's really slutty Bruce?" Tifa says while glaring at Yuffie. "Those really short khaki shorts and those blue oriental shirts. And its even sluttier if the shorts are unbuckled!"
'That's not slutty," Bruce replies. "I have that outfit at home!" Tifa cracks up, and Yuffie quickly stops laughing.
"Y'know Cloud, I think I'll have some of that beer now." Yuffie says, almost crying. Cid and Vincent quickly walk through the door, wheeling something behind them.
"Hey guys, guess what we got!" Cid shouts, he and Vincent seem a little drunk.
"It's not a keg is it?" Cloud asks, hoping that it isn't.
"Better then that!" Vincent replies as they wheel in a huge, bowl-like, tulip glass.
"It's the World's Largest Margarita!" Cid shouts. "Fifty-five gallons of Tequila and lime juice!"
"They hardly put a dent in it at the bar, so they gave it to us." Vincent explains.
"Do you really think you can drink it all?" Cloud asks.
"That sounds like a challenge to me!" Cid yells. He and Vincent grab straws and start drinking.
---PART II---
It's nearing 8:00 p.m., Cid and Vincent are still steadily drinking the margarita, but have made little progress. Aeris and Tifa have stuck to Cloud like glue for the past two hours. Barret and Yuffie have been playing around with Cait Sith, Marlene is asleep, and Reeve and Red are playing with Seph's dog. Bruce has a little talk with Cloud and says something stupid...
"So Aeris and Tifa are BOTH your girlfriends!?" Bruce asks.
"It's been three years and I still can't pick one." Cloud replies as he stretches. "So I'm juggling!"
"And this works for you?" Bruce asks again.
"Yes." Cloud answers.
"No!" Aeris and Tifa reply simutaniously with Cloud's reply.
"You guys are kinda all over the place here." Says Bruce. "So, who are you gonna kiss at midnight Cloud?" Bruce asks in an even gayer than normal voice. Aeris and Tifa look at Cloud.
"Um, uh, um, I guess um....oh, I know!" Cloud says as he puts an arm around each girl. "First come, first serve!" He continues in an arrogant sounding tone.
"Swish!" Cloud thinks to himself.
"Oh, I guess that sounds fair." Tifa says, sounding confused.
"Uh, yeah, fair." Aeris added, half hearted. Aeris and Tifa walk away than stop suddenly, slowly turn around and slowly walk to Cloud, then run, Aeris trips Tifa and the two start fighting
"Cloud!" Bruce cries. "These two women are wrestling right in front of you, aren't you going to stop them!?"
"Oh...yeah...whatever." Cloud says, in a trance while gazing at the girls.
"Cloud! Break it up!" Bruce whined. "C'mon, break it up you bad man!"
"Yeah, I forgot you're not into the whole 'women thing.'" Cloud says as hebreaks up the fight. Aeris and Tifa shake hands.
"I don't even remember why we were fighting, Tifa." Aeris says, trying to make peace.
"Oh, you were fighting over Cloud!" Bruce answered, failing to notice Aeris' attempt.
"Yeah, that's right." Tifa says, realizing what Cloud said earlier. Tifa and Aeris walk into another room and start making noise, they're obviously fighting again. Bruce looks at Cloud.
"It's kinda like a tire fire Bruce." Cloud explains. "If I try to stop them, I'll only make it worse, it's better to just let it burn." Cloud sits back and tries to relax.
"If you say so." Bruce says, as he also sits back and relaxes. "Hey, where did you put all the beer?"
"Oh, I'll get some..." Cloud replies, surprised. "Hey wait! You drink normal things?"
"Yeah."
"Whatever, you just seemed like a... well...a...um...ugh..."
"Gay?"
"Yeah, um, I have been meaning to ask you this, are you gay?"
"Well, that's for me to know, and you to find out when the closet gets boring!"
"Oh, good Bruce, just brilliant!" Bruce thought to himself. "Why don't you just say 'My name is Bruce, I'm a gigantic horses ass!'"
"'Kay!" Cloud says, somewhat confused. Cloud goes into the kitchen and comes back with two beers.
About ten beers later...
"So, you don't like, have a crush on me or anything do ya' Bruce?" Cloud asks, hoping he doesn't.
"No," He replies. "But that Barret, he's HOT!"
"Got a crush on Barret eh?" Cloud asks. "Uh, Barret... Barret?" He continues, unable to compute this information. "Um, excuse me." Cloud runs to the bathroom, judging from the sounds, he's puking. Afterwards, he walks back into the living room.
"Good news Bruce, I got to taste that steak twice! Um, Barret doesn't know, does he?"
"No, he didn't even know we went to a gay bar. I mean, they didn't even have a game on, it was some damned Sriesand movie. No straight man likes her, he didn't he know?"
"Yeah, I hate it when Aeris or Tifa drags me to one of those stupid chick-flicks. And then Aeris is always talking about her, ugh, feelings, and emotions. And Tifa's always trying to find out what I'm thinking. You should date them Bruce. You practically are a woman, you'd be perfect for them."
"Well I try!" Bruce angrily replies. He notices Cid and Vincent. "Wow, how can those two still be alive? They drank more than four gallons of tequila... apiece!"
"They'll never make it to midnight." Cloud agreed. "The sun's still up for chrissake! And how much have you had to drink, Bruce?"
"This is my twelfth beer, and I had a Sea Breeze earlier." Bruce replies. "But don't worry, Bruce Lance Julian can hold his liq...." Bruce instantly collapses.
"You were saying Bruce? Uh, Bruce?" Cloud slaps him on the face a few times. "C'mon buddy, wake up!"
"Woah! No more Sea Breezes for me." Bruces says as he somes to. "I'm wasted!"
"Okay, it's time to sober you guys up." Cloud decided. "Barret! Drag Cid and Vincent into the kitchen." Barret comes into the kitchen dragging Cid and Vincent under each arm.
"Here you go! What do you need these guys for!" Barret asked as he dropped the two drunks on the floor.
"It's time to make some of my world famous ' Sober in-a-wink juice!'" Cloud says as he places about a dozen jars and bottles on the counter. "This'll clear their heads up in a matter of minutes."
"Well. let's make a batch, what's in it?" asked Barret. Cloud took a deep breath...
"3 shots of Tabasco sauce.
4 ounces of wasabi
2 chopped jabenero peppers
6 ounces of Sylkis Greens..."
"Sylkis greens?" Barret asked, confused.
"Chocobo greens are spicy, and these are the hottest." Cloud replied. "We still gotta put more stuff in.
1 tbls of cayenne pepper
4 chopped jalapeno peppers
6 stay-awake pills
3 Tylenol, for the hangover
1/3 cup of black pepper
And 12 ounces of espresso.
Then we'll have to triple everything to make three of these."
A moment later...
"Holy shit!" Barret shouted. "You expect them to drink that!? Is it even safe to drink it?"
"I don't know." Cloud answered. "You think I'm dumb enough to drink this? Okay, Bruce, Cid, Vincent! Bottoms up!" Cloud hands each of them a mug of pale, greenish-brown liquid, (using the term liquid loosely).
"Ugh! Well, cheers!" Bruce says, sounding frightened. The three touch their glasses to each other and take a swig. "Um... it's..." Bruce's cheeks swell, and he runs to the balcony. Vincent and Cid follow.
"NO! NO! NO!" Cloud yelled, sounding much like Sienfeld. "No! I have a toilet, and, ah, who cares. It ain't landin' in my lawn!"
"Dammit Cloud! It just made 'em puke!" Barret shouted, but also sounding amused.
"Oh, that, no, that's, uh, that's more of a conditioned reflex." Cloud replied, laughing. "Their bodies think it's a toxin or something and puke it up." He explained. "They should be able to keep the rest of it down and they'll be sober in a couple minutes."
"Jesus Cloud!" Cid yelled. "What the hell you tryin' to do to me!?"
"If I wanted to barf, I would've kept on drinking!" Vincent added.
"You have to keep it down for it to any good." replied Cloud. "Finish it off and you'll be fine."
"Hell no!" Vincent screamed as he tried to run away, but Cloud grabs him by his hair and pulls him back into the room.
"Look the vomiting was only a reflex..." Cloud began to explain.
"Oh, is that all?" Bruce interrupted, sarcastically.
"Look, I'll bet you all 5,000 gil that you won't puke this time!" declared Cloud.
"Deal!" agreed Cid.
"I'd do alot more than puke for 5 g's!" Vincent replied.
"Fine!" Bruce said, reluctantly. The three drink the remaining liquid and nothing happens. "Hey! He was right!" Bruce continued. "Damn, he was right. Now I gotta pay him." Bruce opens his wallet and hands Cloud 5,000 gil, Cid and Vincent do the same.
"You know how much money I've won from making this same bet?" Cloud proudly asked.
"15,000 gil?" Barret answered, but also asking, technically.
"Yes." Cloud replied, hanging his head in shame.
---PART III---
It's now nearing 9:00 p.m., people are changing into tuxedos and dresses of sorts for the party which is about to begin. (Cloud's closest friends always arrive early like the free-loaders that they are). Bruce and Barret are standing by the bathroom door...
"I don't give a damn how much it'll make everyone laugh! I ain't wearin' no costume!" Barret shouted. "You wear it!"
"Oh puh-lease, I wish I had the legs to wear it." Bruce replied. "Besides, it's too big for me."
"I don't wanna! Besides, I already bought my tux."
"How about if you just try it on, if you hate it, you don't have to wear it!"
"How about NO!"
"Just try it on!"
"Okay! If it'll quit your bitchin'!" Barret reluctanly agreed.
"Good," replied Bruce. "Now go in there you big hunk of man!"
"Say what!" Barret shouted, hoping he didn't hear what he thought he heard.
"I'm gonna get a big hunk of SPAM! In the kitchen." Bruce lied. "Now try on the costume you sexy man!"
"What'd you say!?" Barret asked as he started to freak out.
"Uh, That Yuffie's sexy... man!" Bruce half-heartedly said as he punches Barret in the arm.
"Uh, yeah, I guess she is. But I don't think you could handle her." replies Barret, relieved. Barret walks into the bathroom and locks the door. "Damn. If I didn't know better I'd swear Bruce was comin' on to me." Barret said to himself. "Naw, Bruce ain't gay. Just my imagination, I hope."
Barret opens up the box, inside is a top hat, a diaper (Ick!), and a sash that says "Baby '03"
"What! There is no fu...oh, wait! I get it! Hahahahahah!" Barret laughed. "Oh geez, that Bruce! Always jokin' around! Damn, I'm stupid! I really thought Bruce expected me to wear this!" Barret begins to laugh hysterically at the costume.
Meanwhile, back in the living room. Aeris walks by Bruce and notices he looks upset.
"Hey Bruce, how's it goin'?" She asked.
"I tried to make Barret the laughing stock of Costa del Sol." Bruce explained. "I rented this dumb looking costume, but he refused to wear it!"
"Don't worry about it, he's dressed up like an idiot before." Aeris replied, hoping to cheer him up.
"Like that time he dressed up like a sailor." Cloud recalled.
"Yeah, I was there, he looked really dorky!" Seph added.
"Then there was this time in Midgar when I first met Cloud." Aeris began to recall. "He had to save Tifa from this perverted guy, so he dressed up like a..." Cloud puts his hand over Aeris' mouth, cutting her off in mid-sentence.
"Aeris, honey," Cloud said calmly. "Ixni on the ag-dray in front of the omo-hay exual-say."
"I can speak Pig Latin." Bruce shouted. "Ickhead-day!"
"Burn!" Seph laughed.
"Anyway," Aeris continued. "Cloud had to dress up like a wo..." Cloud covers her mouth again.
"CLOUD WAS DRESSED LIKE A GIRL!!!!" Seph shouted, then getting a huge smirk on his face.
"Shit." Cloud muttered quietly.
"Reeeeeeeeeeeeeeal-ly!?" Bruce said, grinning ear to ear. "Do tell, I HAVE to hear more about this!"
"Three years ago I had to wear a dress to sneak into a brothal and save Tifa." Cloud finally explained.
"You wore alot more than a dress!" Aeris shouted, making Cloud quite upset. "You had a blonde wig on, a pair of high heels, Wutai perfume, make-up, some sort of diamond tiara, you were even wearing women's underwear for chrissake!"
"Well, Tifa! Just what were you doing in a whore house, deary?" Asked Bruce.
"I was abducted, Okay!" Tifa explained.
"Sure you were." replied an unconvinced Bruce.
"Hey Seph, how'd you about that?" Cloud asked. "I never told you."
"Tifa showed me a picture of you in the dress." Seph explained, laughing. "About twenty minutes later, Y'kow, when I stopped laughing, she told me why you did that." Cloud glares a Tifa, as does everyone else in the room.
"Uh, hey! Remember that time in Junon when, uh, when I got into that uh, slap fight?" asked a scared Tifa.
"No." Cloud replied angrily, only to make Tifa begin to sweat profusely.
"That's not as funny as what Cloud did." Yuffie laughed.
"I don't remember that either." Aeris added.
"Oh, geez. That must've happened when you were um, dead." Cloud explained. Seph grins at Aeris sheepishly.
"Oh." Aeris replied. She then kicked Seph in the knee.
"Ouch!" yelled Seph. "Jesus Aeris! How many more times do I have to apologize for that!?"
Barret walk sinto the room as Seph is down on the ground cursing.
"Hey! Was you guys talkin' 'bout that time Cloud dressed like a girl?" asked Barret. Cloud's face started to turn a bright red.
"I had to save Tifa!" Cloud insisted, hoping it would shut everyone up.
"That's not what the guy at the dress shop said!" Barret replied, getting everyone's attention. Cloud collapses and falls down on his knees.
"Crap." Cloud said quietly, not sure what Barret was going to say.
"This is the way the guy at the dress shop tells it" Barret starts to explain. "Aeris told him Cloud wanted do dress up like a cute girl at least once in his life!" Barret continued. "Aeris showed me the photo too!" Barret laughed, along with everyone except for Cloud.
"Y'know Aeris." Cloud realized. "I don't remeber you taking a picture of that."
"Don Corneo took the picture at his mansion, when you were in his bedroom." She explained. "I still have it. Hey Bruce, you wanna see!?"
"Oh yes! Do show me!" said an excited Bruce. Aeris goes into her bedroom, lifts up her matress and pulls out the photo. She then comes bank to the livingroom and shows Bruce a photo of the Don and Cloud (in drag) about to kiss.
"Ooh! Cloudy Cloudy!" Bruce exclaimed. "You'll have to show me how to be that sexy! Barret cracks up and everyone else just laughs nervously.
"Okay Bruce," Barret laughs. "Nobody likes a smart ass!"
"Oh yeah, smart ass..." Bruce lies. "I'm a real prick!" Aeris and Cloud exchange worried glances.
"I still have one question though, Cloud." Barret said. "Why did you go to the Honeybee Inn? And what the HELL did you and Mukki do?"
"Mukki? I know him!" Bruce interrupted. "He tried to get me into a hot tub with half a dozen men, what kind of stupid whore did he take me for?" Cloud laughs nervously.
"Yeah... they'd have to be a real slut." Cloud nervously agrees. "Yep, I just tried to get some imformation out of him, and gave me some uh, beer!" Cloud lies, badly. "Yeah, he gave me beer, not women's underwear or anything dumb like that." Barret glares at him.
"You were stupid enough to let that guy get you drunk?" Barret yelled. "You some kind of spikey-headed dumbass!?" Yuffie laughs.
"We watched the game, that's all!" Cloud lied again, but no one believes him.
"Bullshit!" Aeris yells. Everyone in the room is shocked to hear a sweet girl like her say such a word. "You told me you were in the hot tub with him and his friends!" Bruce faints, Cloud covers Aeris' mouth again, this time she slaps him in the face.
"Don't you slap MY man!" Tifa yells, and slaps Aeris.
"You did NOT just slap me!" Aeris yells, slapping Tifa back. "And Cloud likes ME!" Cloud starts to run toward the door as soon as he hears this. "Right Cloud!?" Aeris asks. Cloud stops) dead in his tracks, realizing certain doom is inevitable.
"Um, well, I um..." Cloud mutters. "Barret! Save me!" Cloud yells as he dives behind him.
"Damn boy!" Barret shouts in disgust. "Take a look at yourself, you wimp!" Barret picks up Cloud and places him in front of the girls. "Now be a man!"
Aeris and Tifa each give Cloud dirty looks the likes of which the world has never seen. Cloud, overcome by this amount of sheer terror, takes a cowardly leap behind Cait Sith.
"I don't wanna!" Whines Cloud.
"C'mon Cloud," Bruce shouts. "Quit acting like a little girl!"
"Man, even Bruce is calling me a wimp." Cloud thinks to himself. "Think Cloud, think!"
"Cloud!" Seph yells. "Just show your women who's boss! You're the man, you outrank them!"
Aeris and Tifa's faces turn bright red, all the men, except Seph, who is paralyzed with fear, take cover.
"What!" Aeris and Tifa scream, sounding much like that little girl from The Exorcist.
"Oh Shit" Seph mutters before Tifa and Aeris beat the hell out of him.
"A moment of silence for Sephiroth, my brave but idiotic friend." Cloud says solemnly. "Well, now that that unpleasentness is behind us forever, who wants to play pool!?" All the guys run to the gameroom cheering, except for Seph, who sort of crawls.
---PART IV---
It's now 10:00. Cloud has been in the gameroom for the past hour. He's been kicking everyone's ass in pool and the 3-D Fighter.
Cloud is playing a game of pool with Red, and he's winning.
"8-ball in the side pocket" says Cloud. He make it and wins the game. "Hah! Pay up Red!"
"Damn! I need thumbs!" Red shouts. "I suck at pool! Play me in football, you'll get your ass whipped!"
"Let's play tennis! Oh, wait! You can't hold the raquet, hah!"
"You lookin' to get mauled!?"
"Just forget it. Besides, my tuxedo's too expensive to get shredded."
"You're just scared he'll beat you up Uncle Cloud!" Marlene insists, while she walks out of Tifa's room. Barret is suprised to see her still awake at this hour.
"Marlene! What're you doin' up?" Barret asks his "daughter."
"You expect me to sleep all night and miss all the fun?" Marlene asks, not expecting a serious answer. "So can I stay up?" she asks her "father" while looking at him with big, huge, innocent, puppy-dog eyes.
"Aw! Ain't that cute. Um...sure!" Barret says. "Now, Daddy may act a little goofy tonight, but I'll be fine in the morning!" He explains. "Now, go watch some cartoons."
"Okay Daddy!" Marlene walks away.
"Works every time!" She says to herself, as she walks to the TV and passes by Seph and Yuffie.
"You were in SOLDIER, right?" Yuffie asks. "What's the best way to master materia? You must have a secret." Seph gets a smile on his face.
"I do." He admits. "You walk around, and fight alot of enemies, it's the only way to buildup materia, for the millionth time!" he yells. "But I do know where you could probably find alot of materia."
"I'm all ears!" Yuffie shouts, excitedly.
"Go to the Midgar ruins, and climb into the barrel of the Sister Ray." He directs. "Alot of Mako energy was shot through there, there's probably a coating of materia in there an inch thick!"
Seph smiles again, realizing that Yuffie believes him.
"Seph, how would you like to go out on a date with me?" Yuffie asks, grinning ear to ear.
"Nah, I'll tell you anyway," Seph replies, rejecting her "bribe." "The barrel's about a mile and a half long and about sixty feet in circumferance. There's a one inch coating of materia, that's millions of cubic inches." Seph says, attempting to do math. "You can get about one materia from a cubic inch. And at a price of about..."
"A million gil apiece!" Yuffie adds, growing more excited.
"It's worth trillions!" Seph concludes. "Tens of trillions maybe." Upon hearing this, Yuffie's grin becomes even bigger,and she faints, remaining completely rigid. Seph runs over to her.
"Um, Yuffie? Yuf?" Seph asks, trying to wake her up. "Um, oh shit!" Seph runs to Cloud, who's in the other room with Aeris pondering the mysteries of the universe.
"Did you ever notice how we're like, always wearing the same clothes?" Cloud asks Aeris. "I 've had those same blue pants since I was a kid!" Seph walks in and grabs Cloud.
"Cloud! Yuffie fainted!" Seph cried. The two run back into the living room where Yuffie is still laying, Cloud carries her to the couch and notices the grin on her face.
"You told her about the Sister Ray, didn't you?" Cloud concludes.
"Uh, yeah..." Seph admits, grinning sheepishly. Yuffie finally wakes up.
"I had this beautiful dream," Yuffie says, sounding abnormally calm and pleasant. "I dreamt that there was materia inside the Sister Ray."
"There is materia inside the Sister Ray." Cloud comfirmed.
"Then this must be a dream too!" Yuffie insisted. Cloud smacks Yuffie upside the head.
"Ow! Y'know, you could've just pinched me!" She yells, rubbing the back of her head.
"Yeah, but, y'kow, I... don't really care..." Cloud explains, thinking he is the coolest man alive.
"So there really is materia in the Sister Ray?" Yuffie asks again, still suspecting this to be untrue.
"Trillions of gil worth, yours for the taking." Seph confirmed again.
"Is that so..." Yuffie walks toward the door carrying several large, empty sacks and grabs a set of keys.
"Cid! I'm borrowing your plane!" Yuffie shouts as she tries to leave.
"Buy me some more gas!" Cid yells back. Yuffie opens the door and walks outside, but Cloud grabs her by the headband and pulls her back inside the house.
"Get back over here...." Cloud shouts, and sets her down on the couch. Yuffie tries to run away again, but Cloud tackles her and pins her to the floor.
"Get off of me you spiky-headed dumbass!" Yuffie screams. Cloud slowly stands up, but doesn't let Yuffie get away. Seph cracks at what Yuffie called Cloud.
"Spiky-headed dumbass! Oh that's a good one!" Seph yells, laughing. "Because of your hair! It works on so many levels!" Seph falls down to the floor from laughter.
"It's too dangerous to drink, fly halfway around the world, and then walk into the barrel of a gigantic CANNON!" Cloud explains. "I just have a bad feeling about it, that's all." Yuffie puts away her bags and sits down on the couch.
"Fine, I'll go tomorrow, mother!" Yuffie says, sarcastically. She buries her face in a pillow and appears to be crying.
"If you keep giving me lip, you are GROUNDED Little Missy, and I am NOT joking!" Cloud teased, and then began to comfort the evil little ninja girl.
"God Cloud, don't be such an ass!" Seph said, also teasing. "You made that poor girl cry."
Suddenly, as if to inconspicuously shatter a Writer's Block that the author of this story was experienceing, Tifa aand Aeris burst into the room, wrestling again.
"Um...yeah...ass....sure..." Cloud mumbles. In his trance again, he sits down on the couch with a beer and a bag of chips.
"Cloud! What the hell are you....looking....at?" Seph asks. Also falling into a trance, he grabs a beer of his own and sits on the couch next to Cloud. Bruce walks in and notices the girls.
"Oh Christ! Cloud!" Bruce cried. "I don't give a damn about your "tire fire" theory! Break up the fight!"
"Not now Bruce." Cloud said, concentrating ont he girls.
"When they did this on Labor Day, Tifa lost her top..." Seph added. Cait Sith walks in with a camcorder in his hand.
"This time I'm prepared in the event of an encore." Says Cait Sith. Cid and Vincent walk in and start watching the fight.
"Don't you already have some sort of built-in camera, Cait?" Cid asks, drunk again.
"It was supposed to be funny you imbecile!" Cait Sith yells, angry that Cid blew the joke.
"Hey Reeve!" Vincent says to Cait. "You're missing all the fun!"
"No I'm not, I'm right here." Reeve says, correcting Vincent. "You think I want to waste this momentous occasion by being behind a camcorder? That's what robots are for." The wrestling becomes more extreme, Barret walks in and starts watching the fight too.
"Oh yeah, now its getting good!" Barret shouts.
"Cloud, you lucky S.O.B." Vincetn shouts. Just then, Aeris' dress flies up and all the guys cheer.
"Woah!" Seph exclaims in a high-pitched tone. Every one laughs.
"Go for the chest!" Cid yells. "Go for the chest!" Yuffie stops crying and even she starts watching the fight.
"Wow, those two have alot of energy!" Yuffie shouts. All the guys just kind of stare at her for a moment.
"Eww! Yuffie?" asked Vincent. "Why are you watching this?" Yuffie's eyes start to tear up again.
"I just wanted to be part of the moment." she cried. By now she's sobbing again.
"Than could you jump on in there and start tearing at fabric?" Reeve asks. He than sees Yuffie's face and realizes he's in trouble.
"HELL NO!" Yuffie yells. "PERVERT!!" Yuffie then kicks him right in the testicles. He falls to ground and his face turns bright red.
"I'll be good!" he says, in an incredibly high-pitched voice.
"See that you do!" Yuffie shouts, kicking him again. Cloud sees this and gets an idea.
"Hmm, It's a real shame you won't dive in there." Cloud shouts. "They've been calling you names y'know!" As he hoped, this gets Yuffie's attention.
"Like what?" She asks, not believing him.
"I can't recall exactly. But it was something along the lines of ' greedy, materia-thieving slut.'" he lied.
"You're lying!"
"Am I?" Yuffie pauses for a momen to give this some deep thought.
"YES!" She yells, loudly. Cloud puts his arm around her and starts patting her shoulder.
"That's cute that you think that, it really is." Cloud says, trying to sound sincere. "I'm glad you trust them."
"You just want to see their clothes get torn off you pigs!" She screams, realizing Cloud's little ploy.
"GET OUT OF MY BRAIN!!!!!!!!" Cid screams, sounding terrified. "Uh, I mean, what makes you think that sweetie?"
"Ah, screw it!" She yells as she runs to the bar for a beer.
"That's it, I'm outta here!" Cloud exclaims, and he goes to his bedroom.
"This is nuts, I have to pick one of those girls, or they're just gonna fight over me all night. I'm flattered that I'm that popular, but still. I gotta choose dammit!" Cloud says to himself. "Let's see, Aeris or Tifa. Aeris is nicer, cuter, but she dresses like a first grader! And she has huge bangs. Tifa's almost as nice, and I've known her alot longer. Also, she's got tits the size of ripe cantelopes! But on the other hand, she dresses like a 1980's hooker. I should also consider that the girl I don't pick will kick my ass, and those rods really hurt. And I have to think about the possiblity of getting lucky tonight too. Man, I just hope this doesn't blow up in my face...moreso."
Bruce walks in and sees Cloud sitting on his bed.
"I couldn't help overhear you talking to yourself!"
"And?"
"You're blowing this way out of proportion!"
"I am?"
"Yeah." Bruce insists. "You're not deciding who to spend the rest of your life with. Just who you're gonna kiss at, and maybe get lucky with after midnight! Which I guarentee will NOT happen if you keep giving off that jackass vibe!"
"I'm being a jackass!?" Cloud yells, beginning to imitate Bruce. "Mister 'I'm-gonna-make-my-man-Barret-dress-up-like-a-baby-new-year!'" Bruce's face turns red.
"At least I don't sound like this." Brue replies, beginning to mimic Cloud. " I'm juggling, so it's first come, first serve, SWISH!" Cloud gets equally upset.
"That is so NOT how I act!" Cloud yells.
"`Fraid so!"
"`Fraid not!"
"`Fraid so!"
"`Fraid not!
"`Fraid so infinity!!!!!"
"`Fraid not infinity plus one!!!!!" Cloud countered.
"Touch`e." Bruce says. "`Fraid so infinity plus two!!!!!!!"
"`FRAID NOT INFINITY PLUS INIFITY TO THE INFINITE POWER, PLUS 1,000!!"
"Damn!" Bruce said, realizing he could never beat that high of a number. "You've won this round Strife!" Yuffie walks in, unfortunately, after hearing all of that childish argument.
"Aw, you're fighting!" She teases. "I hope you don't break up. You make such a cute couple."
"I've had just about enough of YOU, Little Woman!" Bruce yells.
"That's funny Bruce. I though you were the little woman!" replied Yuffie. Bruce makes a loud, high-pitched gasp.
"What do want Yuffie!" Cloud asks.
"Tifa and Aeris stopped wrestling." She answers. "And come to the living room, you have got to see this."
In the living room, Cid and Vincent are singing a ghastly kareoke rendition of I Got You Babe.
"That ain't half-bad. I LOVE CHER!" Bruce says. "Um, are they..." Bruce tilts his hand.
"Ick! No! Cid's married!" Cloud yells. "And Vincents been a bit of a womanizer since he accquired a personality!"
"They've gotten into the margirita again." Tifa explains. Cloud looks at her like she's an idiot.
"How do you figure." Cloud asks, being sarcastic, but Tifa doesn't pick up on it.
"Well, for starters...." She explains. "THEY'RE SINGING A GODDAMN DUET YOU IDIOT!!!!!!!!!!"
"Idiot eh? Guess this idioi'll be kissing AERIS at midnight!" Tifa panics upon hearing this.
"No! No! No! No! No! I take it all back. Actually, um, I"M THE IDIOT!" Tifa lied, trying to redeem herself.
"You just be more careful next time..."
"Haha!" Cloud thought to himself. "Cloud: 1 Tifa: 0!"
"What an idiot!" Tifa thought to herself. "Oh well, Cloud: 1 Tifa: 34,201!"
For the next two hours, everyone watches Cid and Vincent make idiots of themselves.
--PART V--
The clock strikes midnight, need I say more?
Everyone in town yells 'Happy New Year!'. Confetti drops from everywhere, and people start drinking champagne. Cloud stands up and gets the girls' attention.
"Well girls, It's midnight!" Aeris and Tifa run to Cloud, but Yuffie jumps in front of them and starts to kiss Cloud, on the mouth, for a long time.
"What the hell is she doing?" Cloud thought to himself. "Did she just grab my, Oh God! A colored orb falls out Yuffie's blouse. "What the hell!" Cloud quickly opens her shirt and several more fall out.
"Well, Cloud, somebody's a little amerous tonight." Yuffie says calmly, while she closes up her shirt.
"My materia! Aha! You little materia whore!" Cloud yells. "How far would you go to get one of these?" Cloud really didn't want an answer.
"For starters, I'd hug and kiss you, like I did today, and I'd walk into the barrel of a cannon.." She gets a glass of champagne and leaves.
"Well Aeris. I guess we can we can stop fighting." Tifa said, trying to make peace. "It's after midnight, we both lost."
"Yeah, the romance is pretty much ruined." Aeris agreed. "Wanna go get some champagne?"
"Yeah, sure." They're friends again.
"What the hell just happened?" Cloud asked Bruce.
"You know how you said you didn't want this to blow up in your face?" Bruce explained. "Well... Ka-blooey!"
"Where did I go wrong, Bruce?"
"Probably around the time you decided to let the girls fight over you."
"Or maybe it was when a certain little gay man questioned my having two girlfriends."
"Nope, I'm pretty sure it was all you."
"You sure know alot about women Bruce, it's too bad you're gay."
"Oh, be nice!" Bruce let his wrist go limp, making the traditional gay pose.
"Let's go get something to drink. You should be a shrink, you'd be good at it."
Cloud and Bruce walk into the kitchen and pass by Seph and Red.
"Hey Red, ain't you havin' any champagne?" Seph asked.
"How? I can't hold onto a wine glass." Red replied.
"That reminds me," said Yuffie. "I picked you up something at this novelty shop!" She takes out a plastic beer dispensing helmet filled with champagne and puts it on Red's head. "Perfect fit."
"This is cool!" Red exclaimed. "This is damn cool!" Yuffie fills the holders with champagne.
"Hey! Where's Barret?" Seph asked. "He's missing all the fun!"
"Last I saw, he was drinking from that margirita." Reeve replied, still walking funny.
Barret runs out into the living room, quite drunk, wearing the Baby New Year costume
"Yo!" Barret yelled. "Happy New Year everybody! I'm Baby '03!"
All the men except for Bruce turn away, Bruce goes into a state of shock and collapses.
"Oh God! I did not need to see that!" Aeris yelled.
"I could use some of that margirita now..." Bruce mumbled as he came to. Tifa quickly ran in with a camera and took a picture of Barret.
"This is one for the picture book!" Tifa shouted. "It's right up there with Cloud in drag!"
"He's gonna just die when he realizes what he did!" Cid exclaimed.
"We'll draw straws to see who gets to tell him!" Cloud replied.
"Hey Cid! Y'know, there's still alot of margirita left!" Vincent shouted.
"You're right." Cid replied. "Hey you guys! Let's finish this thing off!"
"It's after midnight! I don't care if I remember anything else!" agreed Seph.
"This has been a weird ass party anyway!" agreed Red
"What the hell, you only live once!" agreed Bruce
"I've used up my dignity for the night, I'm in!" agreed Barret
"I might as well do something constructive with my time." agreed Tifa
"Well, I should always bend to peer pressure, count me in!" agreed Yuffie
"I'm in too." agreed Reeve
"I'll pass" Aeris replied. "There's just something un-appealing about 40 gallons of tequila."
"I'm out too, I'll just supervise." said Cloud. "I've thrown up enough times tonight. Just be careful."
"World's Largest Margirita, tonight you shall be conquered!" said Vincent, solemnly..
"But you will have your revenge in the form of a god-awful hangover!" added Red.
Cid, Vincent, Red, Yuffie, Bruce, Barret, Reeve and Seph grab straws and begin drinking.
"They'll all be out like lights soon." said Cloud.
"I guess that's pretty much the end of our party then." Aeris replied. "I'm gonna go change out of this expensive dress."
"I'll change out my dress too. Damn! I meant my tux!"
"Yeah right." Cloud and Aeris go to their respective rooms.
---PART VI---
It's close to 4:30 a.m. Everyone except Cloud and Aeris is passed out. Ther two are in their normal clothes now and have cleaned the house a bit. The margirita has been sucked dry...
"I can't believe they drank the whole thing." said Cloud, shocked.
"It took them three hours, but still..." Aeris added.
"What a night, it waas by far one of our more bizzare parties. And what the hell was the deal with that Bruce?"
"I liked him, a nice guy. He gave me some great tips on decorating the house"
"Yeah, he was pretty cool once you got past the awkwardness and all."
"So, how did you feel about me and Tifa fighting over you?"
"I didn't like seeing you two fighting. You're too good of friends to fight like that."
"We did notice you guys watching us, and hoping to see one of our shirts fly off."
"Uh, what I meant is that in retrospect, after I came to my senses, that I didn't like to see my two cute girlfriends wrestling right in front of me."
"I didn't mind. But Cid and Vincent gazing at me on the other hand..."
"It's too stressful trying to 'choose' one of you. I can't even pick a movie to see when we go on a date."
"You just don't want to hurt either of us, that's sweet in a sick far-fetched way. You'll pick one of when the time is right."
"At least I don't have a deadline, that eases the tension." Aeris takes a look at everyone, passed out.
"Think any of these guys are gonna wake up anytime soon?" Aeris asked,
"Nah! If they aren't passed out, they're asleep by now. What a way to start a new year." Aeris looks at the celebrartion going on outside.
"People are still partying in the streets, but we're exhausted. Kinda makes you feel old doesn't it?" She asked.
"I'm 24, I don't wanna think about old age."
"Cid's old, and he still has fun."
"He's only ten years older than I am. I don't wanna be old when I'm 34 either. You're depressing me."
"Fine, I'll avoid depressing subjects. So, Yuffies gonna be filfthy rich soon."
"That would qualify as depressing. She's the last person who should have money and power."
"We can mess with her mind and say that Seph was lying."
"First we have to show Barret his Baby '03 photo."
"Then we can sell it to Bruce!"
"Well I sure as hell don't wanna see a picture of Barret in a daiper."
"So what do wanna do till they all wake up?" Aeris asked.
"Go to bed. I'm tired!" Cloud replied. "But first, I have to get back at Yuffie." Cloud takes Yuffie's hand and puts it on Bruce's left buttock. "Haha! That's a good start."
"Y'know, it's ironic. Tifa and I were fighting over you all night, and neither of us got to kiss you at midnight."
"Yeah, kinda destroyed the moment." Cloud replied, then he got an idea in his head. "Hey, wait!" Cloud pretends to strech, but moves his hand to the clock and sets it to 12:00. "Why look! It is midnight again! How very odd!" Cloud said in a half-hearted tone of voice. Aeris looks at Cloud and they kiss, and hold it, for a while....like, minutes.
"Swish!" Cloud thought to himself.
Fin.
Well, there it was, my first fic. This was also the longest story I ever wrote. 23 pages typed.
The following are a few facts about this story and its history.
-I began writing this story in March of 2000, when I played a gay OSHA rep. in the school play. This is where the inspiration for Bruce came from.
-Special thanks to my friend Tom for naming his FF8 GF Diablo, "Bruce", and to Homer Simpson for saying that the three gayest names are, Bruce, Lance, and Julian.
-I orginally wrote this as a play, but since RPGamer (where I first submitted this fic.) doesn't accept too many plays, I re-wrote into a story, which is why there is so much diologue.
-My thanks to you for reading my 'fic', and a special thanks if you enjoyed.
-Very Special Thanks to RPGamer for posting this (if you're reading this, it means it's been posted) ***Actually, Rpgamer.com REJECTED this story, so they can shove their fic section up their ass.***
-Special Thanks to SquareSoft for releasing FF7 in the first place.
-Finally, thanks to my friends Tom and Eric for laughing at lines that I may have otherwise left out.
I Plan on writing more fics.
Nathan R. Rork
July 28, 2000