The Halloweenies : New Year's Resolutions
By Semdai Bloodquill
(The gang is seated randomly around the apartment. Jarlaxle, Dantrag and Berg'inyon on the couch. Entreri and Drizzt in the TV chairs playing Mario Kart. Kellindil sitting in the corner reading a book. Zak playing PSP on the floor. Dinin and Nalfein having a staring contest at the table. Semdai herself glued to the computer watching Naruto.)
Jarlaxle – We are stuck in a rut, people.
Dantrag – That we are.
Jarlaxle – When was the last time we published anything?
Zak – A long time ago…
Kellindil – In a galaxy far far away.
Jarlaxle – And do you know why we are in a rut?
Entreri – Because Semdai started college.
Drizzt – Because Semdai is a lazy bastard.
Nalfein – Because Semdai is a sorry excuse for an internet author.
Dinin – Because Semdai won't stop watching that Naruto show!
Semdai – (drools over computer, oblivious to their insults)
Jarlaxle – Exactly!
Berg'inyon – What do you suggest we do about it?
Drizzt – We could unplug the computer and steal the cords.
Entreri – (hits Drizzt) You idiot! If we disable the computer she can't write!
Nalfein – What about simply stealing the internet cable? She doesn't need the internet to write and without the web she can't go onto YouTube and watch Naruto.
Dinin – But without internet how will she post?
Nalfein – Touché.
Zak – What does she like so much about Naruto?
Semdai – (still oblivious to everything) Gaara! (squeals in delight when Gaara appears in the episode)
(The boys grab their ears in pain at the shrill fan girl cry)
Entreri – I'm going to venture a guess that she likes that Gaara character.
Jarlaxle – What if we kill Gaara? Then she'll stop watching that show and pay more attention to us.
Entreri – We could totally take that Gaara guy. How tough could he be?
Semdai – (pulls her headphones out of the computer and turns up the volume) Gaara!
Computer – (blares Gaara's voice) You are my prey!!!
Entreri – OK maybe we can't take Gaara on. There must be something we can do.
Semdai – (squeals in delight again) GO Shikamaru!
Drizzt – Another one?
Jarlaxle – Gaara, Shikamaru, Neji, Naruto, Sasuke, the list goes on and on.
Entreri – I remember when she used to be that obsessed with us.
Jarlaxle – She's absolutely batty about the guys in that show. She even talks about them in her sleep. (sniffles) We've been replaced by teenaged ninjas.
Drizzt – Ninjas!
Kellindil – (jumps up) I've got it!
Dantrag – You've got what?
Berg'inyon – Rabies?
Kellindil – Ha ha.
Drizzt – What have you got, Kell?
Kellindil – New Year's Resolutions!
Jarlaxle – What could possibly come of New Year's Resolutions?
Kellindil – What if we trick Semdai into swearing off Naruto and devoting her time too us?
(A cold shiver passes through the boys)
Entreri – To cheat Semdai is a power only one has achieved…
Dantrag – But if we work together I believe we can discover the secret…
Jarlaxle – Do you guys realize how mad she's going to be if she finds out what we're planning?
(Another cold shiver passes through)
Drizzt – I felt a great disturbance in the-
Berg'inyon – (flying kicks Drizzt) Enough with the Star Wars allusions!!!
Dinin – I think there's another solution to this.
Entreri – Pray tell, oh wise one.
Dinin – (scowls at Entreri)
Jarlaxle – Knock it off, you two.
Dinin – I'm going to my room to think. (leaves)
Nalfein – We didn't want your help anyway!
Drizzt – Focus! How are we going to trick Semdai into swearing off Naruto?
Kellindil – Hypnosis?
Jarlaxle – She's too smart for that.
Entreri – Alcohol?
Dantrag – We don't have any rum.
Drizzt – We have Meyers!
Jarlaxle – She only likes Captain Morgan.
Nalfein – Weed?
Zak – The harsh winter killed my plants.
(A pause as they all think)
Jarlaxle – What are you guys doing for your New Year's Resolutions?
Zak – I'm going to beat Semdai at an MMORPG.
Drizzt - We don't have any MMORPG's.
Zak – Semdai's mom bought World of Warcraft and Everquest 2 for Christmas.
Nalfein – What does MMORPG even stand for?
Zak – Massive Multiplayer Online Role Playing Game
Jarlaxle – Damn, I was so close. I was gonna say Massive Multiple Orgasm Role Playing Game.
Zak – You need help.
Entreri – I'm going to cut all ten of Drizzt's toes off without him realizing it.
(A disturbed silence ensues)
Entreri – What?
Zak – You need help too.
Jarlaxle – I'm going to learn to sew.
(They all look at Jarlaxle quizzically)
Jarlaxle – What? Semdai and I are rough on our clothes.
Drizzt – I'm going to learn the art of dancing.
Entreri – Has abstinence made you gay?
Drizzt – Do you not know how physically strong male dancers are? They lift people high in the air as if they were made of feathers.
Zak – (weeps in shame) My son is a homo… Alas for the line of Zaknafein, it ends here…
Drizzt – (sniffles) I should have known you wouldn't understand! (runs to the kitchen crying)
Dantrag – (pats Zak on the shoulder) I'm sorry you'll never have grandchildren, man.
Nalfein – I'm going to kill Dinin.
Zak – You said that last year.
Nalfein – This year will be different.
Berg'inyon – I'm going to invent a flying car.
(They stare at him)
Jarlaxle – Good luck with that.
Dantrag – I'm going to clean my room at least three times this year.
Jarlaxle – That's a good goal to work towards. Your room is worse than Semdai's.
Dantrag – (exasperated) How does she do it?! She has more junk than all of us put together and yet her room isn't that big of a mess! She has piles of notebooks on the floor and jars of mummified frogs on the desk for crying out loud!
Entreri – We get it you're jealous of Semdai's chaotic order.
Kellindil – (determined) I'm going to learn how to play RPG's this year.
(They look surprised at Kellindil)
Kellindil – What? Semdai keeps bending my ear about how great Okami and Valkyrie Profile and Final Fantasy 12 are. I figure I should at least try them.
(Shrugging)
Drizzt - (trudges back in with a mousetrap attached to his hand and Lunah clinging to his leg) I have another one! I won't walk into any more of Lunah's traps.
Semdai – (peels Lunah off Drizzt and holds her up by the collar) What are you doing here? This is my Ramble!
Lunah – I'm going to learn how to play the violin!
Semdai – You're stupid. (throws Lunah out the window)
Lunah – (as she falls) Geronimo!!!! (puff of smoke)
Semdai – So we're talking about New Year's Resolutions…
Dantrag – Weren't you just on the computer watching Naruto?
Semdai – The episode ended and I need to pee. (goes to the bathroom)
Jarlaxle – You don't suppose she heard us the whole time did she?
Entreri – I certainly hope not.
Dantrag – She'll kill us.
Kellindil – You know what never occurred to me?
Drizzt – What?
Kellindil – Why don't we just ask her nicely to write about us more?
Jarlaxle – I suppose it's worth a try.
Drizzt – You're right.
(The doorbell rings)
Dinin – (rushes out) I'll get it!
Entreri – This is certainly suspicious.
Drizzt – Indeed. Dinin NEVER answers the door.
Dinin – (rushes back to his room with a box under his arm)
Semdai – (returns) That's much better. What were we talking about?
Jarlaxle – (pushes Kellindil forward) Go on Kell, tell her.
Kellindil – Me!?
Drizzt – It was your idea.
Kellindil – (wrings his hands anxiously) Semdai. We want to ask you something.
Semdai – If you're hungry, you're welcome to anything in the fridge.
Kellindil – No. Not that. We've noticed that lately you seem… well… obsessed with this Naruto show.
Semdai – (hugs Kellindil) Oh Kell. It's OK. If you want to watch too you can always join me.
Kellindil – No. That's not it either.
Semdai – (lets him go) Then what is it?
Dinin – (comes running out of his room with something hidden behind his back) Semdai!
Semdai – (returns his enthusiasm) Dinin!
Dinin – (teasingly) I have something for you.
Semdai – (excited) What is it?
Dinin – (holds out a Gaara plushie with a big black ribbon attached to it)
Semdai – (squeals in delight)
Dinin – (wickedly) You like the Gaara plushie?
Semdai – (absolutely batty) IliketheGaaraplushie! IwanttheGaaraplushie! GimmetheGaaraplushie!!!
Dinin – You have to stop neglecting us if you want the Gaara plushie.
Semdai – I'll have your babies for the Gaara plushie!!!
Dinin – Good enough. (gives her the Gaara plushie)
Semdai – (cuddles the Gaara plushie) I feel like writing all of the sudden. (runs to the computer still cuddling the Gaara plushie and starts writing)
Dinin - (grins smugly at the others) Told you there was a better solution. Thank god for eBay.
(The others stare in shock)
Semdai – This gives me the perfect inspiration for a Naruto fanfic!!
The boys – (in horror) NO! (their cry echoes off into the distance)
The End
AN: Yes. Yes. I'm a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad person. Now that that's out of the way… There are a few allusions in this episode besides the obvious Star Wars ones. One of them is Berg'inyon's resolution to build a flying car. It pertains to a video I saw on YouTube titled The Flying Car. It uses the characters from Descendants of Darkness but you don't have to have seen that show to enjoy it.
And for all my readers who are not familiar with Naruto. It's an anime about ninjas. As Jarlaxle so aptly describes it. Gaara is one of the more evil characters. has all the episodes availiable if you're interested as well as some kick ass AMV's to tickle your fancy.
Lastly, for all of you having heart attacks, I am not writing a Naruto fanfic. It was just a good way to end the episode.
Hope you all have a happy New Year!