A/N: Song is "Beautiful Disaster" by Kelly Clarkson. I strongly suggest listening to the live version of the song, if you listen to any. This has probably been done, but I'm trying to write "If Morning Can't Wait" and these bunnies keep attacking me. So, hopefully now I can concentrate.
Every time I see him lately, the same song pops in to my head. I didn't even like the song but now it's gotten to the point where I can't play anything else when I sit down at the piano. The haunting first few notes linger in my brain even now and I haven't even touched the keys.
I'm sitting in front of the piano, again, during lunch so very conflicted. I thought I had my whole happy ending figured out, but I never would have dreamed that someone could touch me so profoundly. It's completely inadvertent too, I can tell. He doesn't even know.
So, here I am feeling very much like Christine about to choose The Phantom.
Well, that's getting a little ahead of myself. I don't even know if there's a choice to be made or what the hell I'm even doing.
There's no point putting off the inevitable, so I place my fingers on the keys, a now familiar starting position.
He drowns in his dreams
An exquisite extreme I know
He's as damned as he seems
And more heaven than a heart could hold
And if I try to save him
My whole world could cave in
It just ain't right
It just ain't right
I always have to stop for a minute after the first verse. No matter how many times I play this damn song, it never fails to move me. I'll never forget the first time I played it without having to look down, really getting lost in the moment. The second I closed my eyes, I had started to cry. Melodramatic? Probably, but everything had felt so raw and open. Like a wound that I just couldn't get to heal.
Now, I close my eyes and see his face, playing over so many emotions. I'd seen him rage and shout, cry and beg. I'd seen him happy and smiling. More often than not though now, he stares at me regretfully, which is understandable, but still incredibly annoying. No matter how much time we spend together, no matter how many times I accept his apology and offer forgiveness, he's stays stuck in this self-deprecating hole. I'm running out of hope that I'll ever get him out.
Now that I know what's hiding underneath all that hostility and anger, I can't go back. He's so soft and kind, even in front of other people… sometimes, but it's so wrong. Not just because I'm with someone else. Even though I have forgiven him and I know how sincere every apology has been, I still have nightmares about who he used to be. I've almost gotten to the point where they are two separate people to me, but it makes my feelings for him all the more confusing.
Oh and I don't know
I don't know what he's after
But he's so beautiful
Such a beautiful disaster
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Would it be beautiful?
Or just a beautiful disaster
It's ironic to me how utterly attractive I find him now. When he smiles, my heart stops, but he's never more beautiful than when he laughs. I have to stop myself from telling him so all the time.
What would we be? Would we flow as seamlessly as a couple as we do as friends? Would I be able to forget and love him completely, the way he deserves? Would he let his temper get the best of him? Would our pride allow us to have a healthy relationship? There were only two possibilities. Either we were meant to be or we would kill each other. I like to think it's the first one, but I'm a bit too much a realist to discount option number two.
He's magic and myth
As strong as what I believe
A tragedy with
More damage than a soul should see
And do I try to change him?
So hard not to blame him
Hold on tight
Hold on tight
Oh 'cause I don't know
I don't know what he's after
But he's so beautiful
Such a beautiful disaster
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Would it be beautiful?
Or just a beautiful disaster
I'm longing for love and the logical
But he's only happy hysterical
I'm waiting for some kind of miracle
Waited so long
So long
At first, I didn't know how to feel about those last few lines. I thought they didn't really apply to this situation, but after a lot of thought, they really do. I may not have known who I was waiting for, but I've definitely been waiting for this kind of connection my whole life. He finishes my thoughts, not just my sentences, but things that I don't even say out loud.
He's soft to the touch
But frayed at the end he breaks
He's never enough
And still he's more than I can take
Oh 'cause I don't know
I don't know what he's after
But he's so beautiful
Such a beautiful disaster
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Would it be beautiful?
Or just a beautiful disaster
He's beautiful
Such a beautiful disaster
"Damn it, David."