X-MEN ORIGINS: SPOOFERINE

They stood there in the elevator, feeling slightly out of place with the soft, 'Please Hold' sort of elevator music. There was Bradley, standing in a corner, visibly shorter than all the others. There was Logan, looking irritated. William Stryker was next to him, looking determined and almost pained at how long it was taking to get up to the right floor. John was standing in the other corner, passing the time and looking the most calm out of all of them. He looked almost comfortable. In the middle of them, standing close to the door, was Wade, looking amazingly out of place with the swords on his back. And there they were, standing in an elevator listening to the stupid music, feeling it rising.

Suddenly everything stopped and they were engulfed in darkness, except for the green light pouring through the grate in the roof.

'Oh, great,' Wade muttered, 'I'm trapped in an elevator with four grown men on a protein-based diet. Dreams really do come true.'

'Wade,' Stryker warned while John tried not to laugh.

'Sorry sir. That green really suits you. Brings out the seriousness in your eyes.'

'My God, do you ever shut up?' Logan asked, rolling his eyes.

'Not when I'm awake,' Wade replied truthfully. Bradley grinned.

'Bradley, take us up,' Stryker ordered and the short man put two fingers up to his temple, closing his eyes. The elevator suddenly sprung to life and they were moving upwards again.

After a moment the elevator tinged to show they were on the right floor.

'Your turn,' Stryker informed Wade, who shrugged and put his hands on the hilts of his swords, waiting for the –

The elevator doors opened.

There was a shower of bullets and everyone in the elevator pressed against the walls, determined to not get hit. Wade was out front, making a figure eight with the sword so fast that none of the bullets were touching him, just bouncing off the metal. The windows in front of him were dark with the night sky and the room was coloured a kind of tanned brown. Wade barely noticed the computers and the comic books crowded everywhere and didn't notice that Stryker, in the elevator, was signalling him to stop it. In fact, they all were.

When the bullets stopped, Wade turned around and looked at the elevator, shrugging. 'Okay, people are dead now,' he called and realised everyone was shaking their heads. 'What?'

With no warning at all, Victor walked into the room. 'Wade, there's been a mistake.'

'What d'you mean? Wait, how the hell did you get here? You weren't in the elevator and the last time the camera saw you, you were on the roof!'

'It's an X-Men movie. Anything can happen.'

'Like how Brian Singer completely left us for Superman Returns and we got that weirdo guy who made Rush Hour and how Phoenix showed up and killed Xavier and Scott and a whole bunch of other people and Magneto is getting his power's back?'

Victor stared at him. 'Uh. Yeah, okay.'

'Oh, cool, just wanted to be sure. But what d'you mean there's been a mistake?'

'Um. Well, is there any way you can stop these people from dying?'

'How can I stop them from dying? They've all got bullets inside of them.'

'They're not bullets, they're pencil erasers.'

Wade stared at him. 'Pencil erasers...'

Victor shrugged. 'We're not in Nigeria.'

'And how did that happen?'

'Plane blew off course.'

'And no one noticed – how?'

'The pilot's getting old,' Victor shrugged.

'HEY!' Stryker yelled, leaning out of the elevator angrily. The others looked up momentarily.

'And what a handsome young pilot he is,' Wade said loudly then turned back to Victor. 'If we're not in Nigeria, then where the hell are we?' he hissed.

Victor pointed a clawed finger to a sign above the elevator. The sign had white letters in a red background. MARVEL.

'Oh, you're kidding,' Wade said, shaking his head.

'Yep. We stormed Marvel Studios.'

'Oh, come on!' Wade yelled. 'We just shot down Marvel?'

'Well, no. Technically, you did,' Victor said uneasily.

With no warning at all, Stan Lee popped up from behind the desk. 'This is an embarrassment!' he yelled and both mutants took a step back. From somewhere inside the elevator, someone shrieked.

'Oh, my God, it's Stan Lee!' John yelled.

Everyone gasped.

'Yes, and you and your movies are out of the business!' shouted Stan. 'You're gone! You've just killed most of our best employees: Jack Kirby. Brian Michael Bendis. That-Guy-Who-Looks-Like-the-Monopoly-Man. And all these other people! You will be hunted down!'

'Monopoly Guy!' John wailed. 'Whyyyyy?!'

'Somebody do something!' Wade screamed. 'We can't be out of the business! We've got, like, three more prequels for this prequel.'

'Dude,' said Victor. 'You have the swords.'

'Oh, yeah,' Wade said slowly. Then he picked up a pencil tin and threw it at Stan Lee, who was knocked unconscious and suffered amnesia, forgetting about Wade and Victor and Logan but afterwards did go talk with Ryan Reynolds, Liev Schreiber and Hugh Jackman about his odd dream involving all of them.

'Gee, that was close,' Victor said.

'Tell me about it,' Wade agreed. He turned to the elevator. 'What do you think, guys?'

Both him and Victor stared at the closed elevator doors. They looked up at what floor the elevator was at: it was slowly descending to ground.

'Guess we'll take the next one,' Wade shrugged and they stood there for a minute.

'So, seriously, how did you get down from the roof?'

'Dude, shut up.'

'Yeah, but you climbed up onto it like one of those people from Twilight. Do you know how annoying that is? You didn't even leave any claw marks!'

'Don't even mention Twilight while I'm here. Or while anyone is here. You've just cursed this entire studio by talking about it.'

'Well, you said it too.'

'Okay, seriously: stop talking!'

'There's no point doing this,' Wade shrugged. 'The Dark Knight will always outstrip us by forever and ever and ever and ever.'

Batman suddenly ran into the room. 'That's because our movie freaking rules!' he yelled in his growly voice. 'We used Imax cameras: there's only four in the world and we smashed one of them, so now there's three! We tipped over a truck! We didn't have to use special effects for flimsy claws!'

'I don't know why,' Logan said, as they boarded the plane, 'but I think I have to kick Batman's butt tomorrow.'

'And critics just loved it,' Batman finished.

'Dude,' said Wade. 'Get out of here!'

'Yeah, this isn't even your movie,' Victor said. 'This isn't even your company!'

'Imagine what Marvel would do if they found Batman in here?' Wade continued.

Batman gasped. 'Oh, God, you're right! To the Batmobile!' He jumped out the window. 'And I need the Bat-Shark repellent,' he added as he fell through the air.

Wade and Victor stared after him.

'I hate Batman,' Wade said suddenly.

'Yeah, and what the hell is up with his voice?' Victor shrugged, rolling his eyes.

'I know, he's gotta have, like, throat cancer or something,' Wade said, shaking his head. He nodded to the elevator. 'Coffee? I'll pay.'

EPILOGUE

'Man, the Marvel staff are weird,' Wade said, sipping his coffee as the entire room stared at him and Victor sitting in a booth, Victor reading an Empire magazine.