The
Q Must Be Crazy
by AnitaLife
Fandom: Star Trek: Voyager
Rating/Genre: G Humor, Romance, Silliness, J/C
Timeline:
Takes place sometime after "Resolutions"
No spoilers that I'm
aware of.
Completed: March 2007
Disclaimers: Voyager and its characters belong to Paramount. I only hope that someday, some way they'll understand their own property. No spoilers that I'm aware of. Archive: Sure; just let me know so I can give you the latest version.
The Q Must Be Crazy
Captain Kathryn Janeway scanned down the list of duty assignments. Commander Chakotay stood formally in front of her desk. Several weeks back from a forced shore leave on "New Earth" and neither of them broached the subject. They had put it behind them and continued in their respective ruts.
"What is the status of repairs?" she inquired.
"All repairs are proceeding according to schedule. We'll be at 98 percent by the end of the week."
"Good. How is Dalby doing?"
"Quite well."
"Very good."
"You may want to make sure that Doyle and Jarvis brush up on security protocols."
"I'll see to that."
"Thank you, Commander. The roster looks good," she complimented.
"Very good."
The officers spoke to each other in short sentences discussing only the business of running a starship. Subconsciously, they avoided lengthy eye contact.
"Dismissed."
"Oh, no he's not!" interjected an oh-too familiar personage who materialized in front of Janeway, lolling on her PADDs.
"Get off my desk," she commanded. Her response to him was about as routine as to her First Officer. Q was showing up too many times on this trip. She rubbed her fatigued eyes.
"Intruder alert," Chakotay said tapping his Combadge.
"Must we do this every time? I shut those annoying things off. We need some privacy."
"Q, I've had a long day. I'm not in the mood for your antics."
"Are you ever in the mood, Kathy?" he asked suggestively. "Don't answer that, my dear. I know the truth."
She narrowed her eyes.
"What do you want, Q?" demanded the First Officer, fists on his hips. "We've got things to do."
"Oh, yes. Yes. Things to do. People to order about. Running around like ants in a beehive."
"What?" Chakotay furrowed his brow at the strange mixed metaphor.
"If the truth be told, when all is said and done, at the end of the day, and in the final analysis…"
The Starfleet officers gaped at him in anticipation.
"I'm simply bored!"
"That's just too bad, Q." Janeway pushed at him, but he did not budge. "What that's got to do with us?"
"The two of you," he sat up, alternating both fingers at each of them, "are boring me to tears."
"We're so sorry about that, Q," Janeway said sarcastically then shot, "We didn't know it was our job to keep you entertained."
"OK, Q. What's on your mind?" asked Chakotay, hoping against hope to get a straight answer.
"I have done everything in my power to lead you two down the garden path. Well, maybe not everything in my power, but short of resorting to, let's say, unnatural means," he waved his hand dramatically in the air, "I have done everything to bring the pair of you together."
Chakotay immediately got the picture. An involuntary flush began in emerge on his cheeks.
"I'm at wits end," Q continued complaining. "I even put you both in a place where you couldn't use Starfleet regulations as an excuse."
"Let me get this straight, Q." Janeway began. "You were responsible for the virus that stranded us on New Earth."
"Well, you could say that," Q pouted, "but I'd be much happier about the whole thing if it had gone the way it was supposed to go."
Chakotay felt the knot in his stomach tighten. It could only make the situation worse if Q had taken an interest in such a personal matter. He had been struggling with his feelings since he met Kathryn Janeway.
"I don't believe this," Janeway said to herself as she rubbed her forehead. "Q, our relationship is none of your business."
"How can you say that, when I've made you two my pet project?"
"Q…" she began.
"What about you, Chuckles? How do you feel about all of this?"
His face was hot. Chakotay still carried a luminous torch for the Captain. He spent many a spirit walk trying to put his feelings aside. His attraction to Janeway made him feel like a schoolboy. It was embarrassing.
"Starfleet protocol…" he began softly.
"Don't start!" Q interrupted, a hand held up to halt the First Officer. "Come on, Chipotle! What do you really want to say, mmm?" Q got off the desk and confronted Chakotay in his personal space.
"The Captain has made her position clear," he said quietly. "I respect her wishes," he said, as he involuntarily cast a pained glance in Janeway's direction. Her eyes filled with sympathy.
"Now, there's part of the problem. When did Starfleet's Scourge of the Badlands become such a weasely milquetoast?"
Janeway rounded her desk. "That's enough," she told Q. "Commander, you are dismissed. I'll deal with this."
"But…" He was worried about leaving her alone with Q, not that he could really defend either one of them from the capricious whims of an omnipotent child determined to play matchmaker.
"No," stated Q.
"What do you mean, 'No'?" she asked. "You're on my ship, Q. I give the orders here."
"I've tried flinging you into Delta Quadrant; that got you onto the Voyager together," he said to himself, ignoring the Captain.
"The Caretaker brought us to the Delta Quad…" she ventured to correct.
"I've tried the Eden fable from one of your Earth's religious books. We all know how badly that ended." Q materialized an apple in his hand and regarded it with a contorted face then glared at Janeway as if she were Eve. "Now maybe I'll try…"
Janeway and Chakotay found themselves on a rock formation that jutted above a river of lava. The suddenness of the change of scene caused Janeway to lose her footing and begin a descent into the fiery depths. Chakotay reached for her hand but missed. She began to fall, futilely attempting to grasp onto the crumbling rock under her slender fingers. The pair scrambled to make contact. Chakotay managed to grab her wrist, his grip was slipping from their sweat
Janeway secured one foot and Chakotay desperately worked to get a better hold. His grasp on the collapsing stones made every movement difficult. At last, they seized each other and he was able to pull her to him. They held each other closely, the adrenalin charged through their bodies and they gasped at the hot air.
"Q!" she yelled in anger, barely able to hear her own voice above the roar of the gushing stream of molten rock.
They continued climbing and found a path out immediate danger.
"Chakotay…" she began. She wanted to say she was sorry about all this. "Thank you," was all that came out.
He nodded to her, pain evident in his eyes. She sought the refuge of her training and began issuing directives.
"We've got to find water and shelter," she stated the obvious. He knew survival procedures.
He nodded again, his hands resting on his knees. Had he almost lost her just then or would Q have saved them both? He hoped it was the latter, but his heart still thumped wildly. It felt as if they had barely escaped with their lives.
Janeway stole a glance at Chakotay when he was not looking at her. More than once, she stopped herself from telling him her own feelings. What good would it do? She hung on to the anchor of Starfleet bred principles and could not act on what was inside her. Letting him know that she returned his feelings would only make life on Voyager more difficult for them both. So for the good of the crew, for the good of Chakotay and for the good of herself, she pretended. She acted as if he meant nothing to her other than as a friend. She was very good at this performance, too good. She almost convinced herself.
"He's right, you know." Chakotay said softly.
"What? Right about what?" she scoffed.
"About me." He coughed, the smoke in the air taking its toll on his windpipe.
"Chakotay…"
"You've tamed me, Kathryn," he grimaced. "I'm not the man I was." He had not used her name in weeks. It felt strange but he gave himself permission, under the circumstances.
"Chakotay, you're one of the bravest men I've ever known. If we hope to get out of the Delta Quadrant, I need you by my side. You're an asset to the whole crew."
"You don't have to give me the party line, Kathryn," he said softly and breathed out. "I know the situation. It was my choice and I would do it again."
Q stood behind Janeway in a full body red suit complete with horns, a pointed tail, a cape and a pitchfork, looking like he had found a costume shop reject. Janeway swirled around, startled by his presence.
"You look ridiculous, Q." she said, quickly regaining her composure.
"Really? This little ole thing?"
"I don't mean the get up. I mean this. Bringing us here. For what? To discover our true feelings for one another?" she hurled sarcastically.
"You disappoint me, dearest." He strutted around. "It's true," he said like a child. "I was hoping you'd be clinging to one another, professing your undying devotion, locked in a passionate kiss, your hands seeking one another's most precious..."
"Do you really read Earth's 20th century romance novels?" she interjected.
"You know, you've just given me an idea…"
Q the Manor Born
Before she could say, "Oh, no you don't!" Kathryn Janeway felt the wind on her face as her horse galloped toward an English estate house. The brisk air shocked her out of her heat-induced stupor. Her hair was done up into an elegant style under a felt hat that tied on under her chin by a flowing violet sash. She instinctively pulled back a spider-web veil from her face with a kidskin-gloved hand. She stopped the horse as she came to the majestic doors of the great mansion. Immediately, her groomsman stepped out of nowhere to fetch her steed and help her off the snorting animal.
"Lady Kathryn," said an impeccably dressed butler as he emerged from the manor and walked toward her. "You have a gentleman caller. Do you wish to receive him?"
"That depends. Is his name Q?" she said, extricating herself from her mount and blessing the ground.
"No, Madam. He appears to be an Indian from the American Colonies and he calls himself 'Chakotay'. I must caution you, Milady. He is dressed as a gentleman, but he may be a savage."
"Q, can you be any more cornball?" Janeway said to the air.
"Milady?" the puzzled butler asked.
"Very well, good sir." She acquiesced for the moment, putting her hands together like a prayer. "Please take me to the gentleman."
"Very good, Madam." The butler led her into foyer of the mansion and assisted her in removal of her muddy boots, which he exchanged for stylish but comfortable shoes.
"Captain! Are you alright?" Chakotay asked sweeping toward her.
The image she saw caught her up short. Chakotay did not play dress-up on the Holo-Decks like so many other crew members. Seeing him impeccably swathed in 18th century attire was heart stopping; he was utterly beautiful. The high collar of his white shirt gave way to a ruffled cravat that spilled down his chest. His midnight blue velvet jacket accentuated his musculature and the military decorations cluttering his jacket, shimmered in the light that beamed in through the windows. His long, wavy black hair cascaded about his shoulders and delineated his perfect features. Janeway had to remember to breathe.
Maybe Q's techniques would work. She banished the thought from her mind. That was impossible.
"I'm fine, Chakotay. Any sign of Q?"
"Not unless you consider all this nonsense a sign of Q."
The Butler approached them. "Will you be taking tea with your guest in the salon, Milady?"
"I'll tell you what, Jeeves," she said, putting her hand on his chest, which surprised him and caused a momentary lapse of his perfect conduct. "Make it coffee and we'll be there."
"Very good, Milady," he said, as his studied composure returned. "My Christian name is James, if it pleases Milady." He gave a tiny bow, and made off to do his work.
"Of course, James. I'm very sorry," she apologized graciously.
As the butler glided away, Janeway and Chakotay both broke into peals of laughter, which echoed against the high ceiling and marbled floors.
"I must admit, I like this fantasy better than the last one." He beamed his devastating dimpled grin. Janeway had not seen that beguiling look since New Earth. It made her dizzy.
"It does have its charm," she agreed, her own smile brightening her face. "I'd forgotten all about food."
"Well, Milady, shall we?" Chakotay clicked his heels and extended his elbow. "Are you familiar with this period of Earth's history?" he asked as they entered a cozy sitting room.
"I've played a few historical holo-novels from this time. It's considered a very romantic period."
"Really? How so?" he asked, taking a cucumber sandwich in hand and sampling it gingerly.
"Perhaps the fancy dress, the extravagant homes, the…Q."
"Forgive me, Madam! I couldn't stop him," the butler apologized as he ran after Q who barged into the room.
"It's all right, James. I know this…person."
"Very good, Milady," said James, as he exited the way all good butlers do.
Q burst into their tete-a-tete like a hurricane. He had also donned the dress of the period. A broad sash encircled his torso and a sword was sheathed at his side. He was dressed more as a "dandy" of the day than in the dashing prince look that Chakotay was sporting.
"Unhand her, sir!" he commanded Chakotay who was not touching Janeway. He was merely nibbling at a scone, choking a bit from its dryness.
"Maybe Neelix is the baker," he commented.
"Dear Lady!" Q said dramatically as he got down on one knee. "Am I too late? Has this creature harmed you in any way! I shall have his head on a spit!"
Janeway took a gulp of black coffee, noting the wonderful quality of the beverage.
"Q! Please! We have a ship to run! Send us back!" she demanded.
"Ah, sweet Kathryn, dare I speak thy name from these unworthy lips?"
"I'd rather…"
"You're ship is in safe harbors. Your crew is content and well," he stated with drama.
They gawked at Q's latest performance.
"OK," he broke character. "No harm will come to Voyager. Your crew doesn't even know you've gone. I can do that sort of thing, you know. Now, where was I?" he shook himself back into his act.
"Sir, I wish to challenge your right to court this woman! I challenge you to a duel!"
"Oh, for heaven's sake!" commented Janeway, throwing her hands up into the air.
Chakotay stared at Q, unsure of what to do.
Exasperated, Q grabbed Chakotay by the arm and took him aside. Janeway slugged her coffee and furtively began refilling her cup; she thought she was going to need it.
"Hey! Get off me, Q!"
"Look, tattoo boy, I'm trying to give you a little help here," Q informed Chakotay conspiratorially. "The least you can do is just play along."
"If I do, will you let us go back to Voyager?" Chakotay ventured.
"Yes! Yes! I will! Just play along and I will send you back. How's that?"
Chakotay sighed deeply. "OK."
"Oh, goodie! I mean, to the field of honorable battle!"
Man to Q
Suddenly Chakotay found himself on the English countryside near a stand of trees that cast a long shadow over the rolling meadow. He carried an ancient hand-held weapon. Its ornate ivory handle felt strange against his palm. He turned to see Janeway who was equally befuddled and gathering her bearings. Her butler was at her side as witness. The manor house stood majestically on a hilltop nearby.
Q stood back to back with Chakotay. "We fire in 10 paces!" he shouted.
Chakotay had read about duels of this sort. It was part of his studies but boxing was his game. However, something else about the situation seemed to jar a memory from his Starfleet history studies.
"Wait!" said Chakotay. He had little occasion to use a weapon of this sort; he was not quite sure what to do with it.
"Just start pacing," Q said from the side of his mouth. "You'll figure it out."
Then Q began to count as he took broad straight-legged steps over the grass.
"10, 9, …"
"Q, this is ridiculous! Stop this, now!" Janeway commanded.
"8, 7, 6… Oh, fair Kathryn, would that I could!" Q said dramatically. "But, alas, my dearest Lady of the Stars, honor demands that once the rivals enter the field, none can turn them back, save for the death of one or both of them."
"Q!" Chakotay shouted. "Isn't this too easy?"
"Wha..?" Q responded.
Janeway charged the field, but events were set in motion. Her butler grabbed at her elbow saying, "Milady, if you interfere, you dishonor them both." She broke his hold abruptly, causing the man to step back to keep from falling.
"5, 4…" he shouted and then a quick, "threetwoone."
Kathryn had placed herself between the combatants.
Q turned with a dancers' flourish and...
"What do you mean, Chuckles?" he shouted to him. "Kathy, get out of the way."
"I've never used this weapon. I'm not even sure how it fires. I'm an easy target. Wouldn't you like something more fun to play at? Something more of a challenge?"
Q immediately retraced his steps, pushing a disheveled Janeway to the side.
He approached Chakotay and came conspiratorially close to him. "What did you have in mind, Squiggle Face?" he said in a deep, throaty voice.
Janeway stomped toward the pair, holding her gown as she went and trying not to trip on the cumbersome thing. Without turning, Q pointed his finger at her. She immediately landed on her rump into a small pond nearby. She struggled to right herself, but found that tall decorative grasses and reeds tangled around her. The weight of her garb pulled her down and she sank deeper into the mud.
"Q!!!" she shouted.
"Just a moment, Kathy!" he shouted to her. "The men are talking!" he rolled his eyes.
"Wait till I get my hands on your neck!" she said to herself.
"Now that we have some peace, what did you have in mind?"
"On New Earth, right before we heard from Voyager…"
"Ah, yes, the meddlesome Mr. Kim! He is the cause of all that mess! He was the one who urged the crew to disobey Janeway's distinctly barked orders NOT to ask help from the Vidians. He even enlisted the crew to pressure Mr. Logical to get the cure for you. I'll have to deal with him another time."
"Yes." Chakotay ignored Q's latest tirade, "Right before Voyager rescued us…"
"From connubial bliss or something even better…" Q said suggestively, wiggling his eyebrows up and down.
"Are you going to let me finish?"
"Oh, of course! Mum's the word!" Q made a great show of zippering his lips, even producing a zipper where he mouth was, which quickly vanished. "Kathy will only last so long down there."
"I showed the Captain a design for a boat I was going to build for us. She seemed very interested."
"Go on."
"We were going to explore the river. I thought then…Well, I thought it might make her feel more comfortable with me." Chakotay remembered how he was feeling back then and the flush began to return. He had suppressed all hope since their return to Voyager.
"Ah, Chuckles! Good! That's good! Kathy likes boats! Starship Captains always seem to hold a fascination for historic vessels," Chakotay informed Q.
"The motion of the ocean!" He slapped Chakotay on the back so hard that the First Officer coughed and almost fell forward. "I KNEW you had it in you, you sly devil!"
Q Me a River
Janeway was relieved to find herself in clean attire. Chakotay smiled at her astonishment at her new surroundings.
"Now this is lovely!" Janeway exclaimed.
"Yes, this is better." Chakotay sighed, relieved that he was no longer facing down the barrel of Q's weapon.
"What did you say to him?"
"I said that you might like…"
"'O sole mio!" The gondolier sang loudly from the front of the boat. He propelled the Gondola along with a single oar.
"Do you think this could be the real Venice in earth's past?" she asked Chakotay, her bright eyes lit with excitement. He loved it when she got like that.
"You told me that you spent some time in Italy on the Holo-Deck with Leonardo Da Vinci."
"Sta 'nfronte a te!" bellowed the stripe-shirted gondolier.
"If Leonardo is here, then he might be busy with naval defense plans for the city."
"'O sole, 'o sole mio," spouted the gondolier.
"Q," she shouted. "Would you please stop that awful racket?"
"You have no appreciation for talent, Kathy!" Q pouted. "Drink your espresso."
Aware that it was in front of her, Janeway lifted the tiny cup to her lips and took the near-black liquid as if it were the elixir of life.
"Mmm!" she said as she closed her eyes and threw her head back.
Chakotay could not help himself. He was enjoying the view of this lovely woman who was relaxed for a moment and away from command structure. Dammit! He still loved her. Everything about her and yes, Q's situation comedy was making it worse. She looked beautiful with the gentle breeze teasing wisps of hair about her face.
How many times had he simply wanted to take her in his arms? He did not know. It seemed as if it could have been a million times. Perhaps this was only the very first time he had that impulse. He felt weak, ashamed, light-headed, confused, happy, insane, frightened, elated all at once. Spirits! He had it bad.
Q turned around and gave Chakotay the impression that he was looking right into his heart. It was unsettling at best given what he was feeling and thinking at that moment.
"Are you still in an all fired hurry to get back to Voyager?" Q asked them both.
"After this cup!" she said and sipped again. Chakotay smiled that dimpled grin.
After she had finished the last drop, she stood up and approached their magical mystery tour guide. Maybe she could reason with him. She knew Q was not going to harm them—that was not his style—but this gallivanting through history, time and space would have to end soon.
"Q, this is lovely, but Chakotay and I really have to get back to our ship."
Q cast a knowing glance back at Chakotay who wanted to jump into the canal.
"What about him. Does he want to go back to the ship?" Q smiled knowingly at the First Officer.
"Yes, I do." Chakotay lied loudly.
"'O sole, 'o sole mio," Q sang. "Sta 'nfronte a te! sta 'nfronte a te!
"Maybe this is just too nice." Q speculated to no one. He stopped moving the oar and placed his hands on top of it.
By now, Janeway knew that look in his eye.
"Oh no! No more!" she tried with her first finger wagging at him.
"Maybe it's just too pleasant and easy," he wondered aloud. He turned to Janeway.
"C'mon, Kathy!" he grinned foolishly.
"No! I don't know what it is, but NO!"
"It'll be fun!" he belted.
With that, Q whisked away the two hapless Starfleet Officers.
Q-citania (Part 1)
A lavish ballroom spread out before Kathryn Janeway. She ran her hands down her ornate, crème-colored lace and sequin gown, smiling despite herself. She turned around to look for Chakotay and Q but did not see either one.
A tuxedoed man approached from her side and took her hand. At first, she thought it was Chakotay and went with him. He took her satin-gloved hand and before she could object, he whisked her around the floor to a brisk ragtime whirl. Her senses spun as fast as the dance. Her partner was expert and she was able to follow him without a misstep. She was not given to girlish giggles, but a girlish giggle rose from somewhere inside her, like bubbles to the top of a glass of Champaign. She felt as if she must have been drinking the sparkling beverage, quite a bit of it.
Breathless, she thanked the man for the dance and set off to find her first officer.
"Kate!" he called, puzzled by her flight from his arms. In this reality, he must have been someone who knew her well, but she could not bother about that.
She ran up the sumptuous spiral staircase and out onto the deck of a great ocean liner. She caught her breath on the moist salt air, dazed for a moment at the vastness of the sea. Holo-deck recreations could not reproduce the depth of the view, the way the full moon painted a shimmer of lights for miles on the rippling waves.
A few couples were savoring the view—and each other. She wanted to stop and enjoy it all, but she had to find Chakotay and hopefully, a way back for both of them.
Her captain's training kicked into high gear. Her emotions gave way to survival mode. Where would Q put Chakotay under these circumstances? So far, he had placed them both in circumstances that were easy to discern. He was obviously a student of the obvious. He liked clichés from Earth's pop culture and history. If she could only just remember what this situation brought to mind, she could figure out just where Chakotay would be in this reality. Had she spend more time with Holo-Novels instead of science studies, it would be easier to guess. She thought she had a pretty good notion when…
"Ah, such a beautiful night for romance!" exclaimed a familiar voice.
Janeway turned away from the ocean to see the "Captain" of this ship. Q sported garbed an early 20th century luxury liner captain's uniform. He strutted down the deck toward Janeway, greeting the passengers with a touch of his white hat. He puffed a large pipe, savoring both the aroma and the affect. His full white beard made him appear the distinguished gentleman though Janeway knew what lay beneath the white jacket and epaulets.
"Good evening, Miss Kathryn," he greeted in a deep baritone.
"That depends. Where's my First Officer?"
"Why, the First Officer is on the bridge, piloting the ship, my dear."
"Wait!" she said, more to herself than to Q. She looked at a life raft that bore the ship's name.
"Ah, you are a smart lady, Miss Kathryn. About some things."
"Q, this is insane!" she confronted him. "My feelings for Chakotay aren't going to change because of all this!"
"I don't expect that, my dear. I just want you own up to the feelings you already possess."
"You don't know what you're talking about!"
"Don't I? We'll see."
She shook her head and stomped away to find Chakotay. She had a good idea where Q would have stowed him.
Q-citania (Part 2)
Chakotay materialized with half a stein of ale poured down his throat. His head spun with immediate effects from the delicious brew. The room was crowded and hot but the group was jovial. They danced and laughed with great joie de vivre. His attire was plain, coarse, and quite comfortable, like his old Maquis garb. He felt at home in his tattered earth-tone garments. He had not realized until this moment how much the Starfleet uniform confined him.
He looked for Janeway amid the throng through slightly blurred vision. He rose and stumbled slightly, unaccustomed to the effects of real alcohol. A barefoot girl with wild tresses danced up to him and teased him with her eyes.
"C'mon, Chak! You've been sittin' too long! Time to dance!" she taunted, pulling him to the floor. He tried to resist, but was drawn into the midst of the group. He wanted to be a part of them and for a moment, he lost himself and joined into the dance.
These people were plain, unpretentious and gave what little they had. They loved their lives, despite their obvious poverty. They reminded him of his friends the Maquis, who lived from hand to mouth on the fringe of society. He felt their camaraderie.
From the corner of his eye, he saw the man playing the squeezebox. Chakotay was jarred back to what passed for reality. He stopped dancing despite the pretty girl's objections. He approached Q who stopped playing and handed the instrument to another musician and the revelry went on.
Q moved to the door and out into a cramped corridor. Chakotay followed and the sounds of the party faded.
"Finally! Now we can talk." Q told him.
"Where's the Captain?" Chakotay demanded.
"Let's not talk about her! Do you like the little waif you were flinging around the floor in there?"
"What do you want, Q?" Chakotay's hands were on his hips.
"I told you! I want to see you and Her Royal Imperiousness, HAPPY! Isn't that what you want too?"
"I…" Chakotay gulped, despite himself.
"Haah?" Q gave his annoying half smile.
"I mean…" Chakotay sighed. How does one hide their emotions from Q? Especially an emotion that was so obvious to everyone else in the Universe.
"I know." Q smiled and took Chakotay by the arm and led him down the corridor. "You know what I think?"
"Oh, I'm sure you'll tell me." Chakotay said with resignation as he scratched his forehead.
"You're a man."
"Right in one, Q."
"What are you afraid of?"
"I'm not!" Chakotay objected.
"Liar."
"We just want to go home, Q! What will it take?" Chakotay stopped and pleaded plaintively.
"Oh, you are obtuse! You're an anthropologist and you don't have a clue in this universe about women! And, you don't need to be an expert in every one of them! Just one.
"You're a commander of people, pushing PADDs and juggling schedules for an entire crew and you can't manage just one little relationship.
"You defied your own father and flew in the face of all-mighty of Starfleet and even the so-called 'Inheritors'". Q used air quotes when saying their name. "What did you call them? The Rubber Baby Buggy Bumper People? And yet you can't swim against one little silly bit of non-sense-ical protocol that is complete irrelevant under the circumstances on Voyager!
Chakotay felt the impact of Q's words that caused him to tremble inside. He thought for moment and said quietly, "Yes, Q. It's called human. Guilty as charged."
"Well, I'm so glad we had this little chat! Here she comes." With that, Q vanished into the ether and Chakotay could see his Captain in all her bejeweled glory come tromping down the corridor, barreling over crates and ropes, to meet him.
Q-citania (Part 3)
Janeway finally reached Chakotay. Her First Officer looked shaken and pensive. Q's speech had left him smarting.
"Commander, are you all right?" she asked urgently.
"I'm fine," he lied, noting how beautiful she looked in the ornate gown.
"Good. We've got to get above decks now," she commanded. "If we are where I think we are, then we're in for a tough time. Maybe we can get to the bridge and get the ship out of danger." Janeway ripped her gown, getting the skirt of the cumbersome garment out of her way. She was ready for action.
Chakotay felt like a fool when he glimpsed part of her legs. His attraction to Kathryn Janeway always shined through everything and every situation. He just could not help himself. He had never been in love like this and it was damned inconvenient. As they bolted toward the upper deck, he tried to gather what was left of his senses.
"Are you familiar with this ship, Captain?"
"Yes. The Titanic. It's a very famous ship from Earth's history," she panted. "It's also a very famous disaster!"
"Q certainly has a flair for melodrama," Chakotay noted grimly as they ran.
"That he does, Commander. Let's see where these stairs lead."
She always had to be in charge.
The ship seemed to bellow like a wounded beast. She shuddered and lurched to one side, causing the Starfleet officers to slam into the metal deck. Chakotay felt the too familiar stabbing pain of a broken arm. Janeway ripped more fabric from her dress and made a sling for Chakotay in minutes like a seasoned battlefield medic.
They struggled against the listing ship to right themselves and continue their ascent form the lower decks. When they emerged into the icy air, they found a vast confusion of panicked passengers. Screams and frightened sobs surrounded them on all sides as the ship continued to tilt.
"Women and children into the life boats!" cried a crewmember, who attempted to push Janeway into a mass of women who were rushing toward the precious lifeboats.
"Captain! You should go!" Chakotay shouted.
"They won't let you on the lifeboats!" she shouted back.
"That doesn't matter!"
"It does to me!"
Another massive jolt rocked the ship. Chakotay and Janeway tried to scramble for high ground, holding onto whatever they could. They slipped on the deck. Pain jabbed through Chakotay's right arm with each jarring step. Janeway tried to secure them both. She pulled what she could of an errant rope and attempted to anchor them to a railing, but before she could, the ship heaved up and catapulted the two hapless officers into the frigid waters.
Janeway swam quickly and latched onto a flank of wreckage.
"Chakotay!" she called, looking desperately for him. "Q!" she screamed, with little hope.
In the midst of the flotsam, she saw a familiar form. Chakotay was in a semi-conscious state, hanging precariously by his left arm on another piece of the once-great ship. She pushed her ersatz raft to him as quickly as she could and tried in vain to pull him out of the freezing waters. He was stirring. The agony of his broken arm showed his contorted feature. The glacial waters lapped about them, threatening to pull them down to death. With each rescue attempt, Janeway nearly capsized.
Chakotay became aware of what was happening.
"Kathryn," he called, "Stop trying to save me! You'll pull yourself in."
"If I can just…"
"No! If you don't stop, I'll let go!"
The rush of waters and the sounds of the dying ship nearly drowned their words.
"I can't leave you in this water!" she kept pulling.
"Yes, you can! You have to! You can't get me out of here without falling in yourself!"
"No!" she cried. "I can't let you die!"
"I have to let go now, Kathryn!"
"NO!" she began to sob, a quiet desperate sob.
"I'm going to let go so you can live!" With that, he pushed away with all that was left of his waning strength.
"No! Come back! If I can only…"
"Kathryn!" He called. "I…" Everything that Q had said to him seemed to weigh him down. His heart was breaking. He was wracked with guilt over what could have been in his life. There were so many missed opportunities. He was about to die, but all he could think about was Kathryn Janeway and what could have been.
He had one final chance and there was nothing else for him except to take it. "Kathryn!" he cried. "I love you!"
Janeway watched in helpless horror as the waters splashed over his head a few times before he vanished.
"NO!!!" she screamed, an agonized cry that came from deep inside. "Q!!!" she called with vain hope.
Pirates of Q
"She is the spitting image of a space-age Starship Cap-i-taine" sang Q, who had donned another white uniform, complete with handle bar mustache and pith helmet.
Kathryn Janeway doubled over on the ground and sobbed deeply. "Damn you!"
He continued despite the distraught Captain.
"Scares Borg. Hirogen, Malon, the Kazon, and the Vid-ii-an."
The image of Chakotay sinking into the deep burned into her mind and still Q continued his inane costumed performance.
"Is up to date with science talk and babbles with the best of 'em."
"I can't hurt you Q," she said, gathering what she could of her composure. "But, I promise, some day, I'll find a way! I will appeal to the Continuum! I will do anything…" and then a sob welled up from her heart.
"Keeps a hedgehog pet that cooks and says he is Tal-ax-ian.
"What's wrong Kathy?" he said, kneeling down to Janeway. "I thought you'd be happy to see him go. After all, he was a thorn in your side since the beginning. Didn't you blame him for getting you lost in the Delta Quadrant in the first place? You were going after him and his insignificant band of merry men weren't you?"
She could only sob, "No."
"You know he loved you, dear. He told you that with his dying breath. What a complete waste! He could have used his dying breath for, oh, I don't know, maybe to tell a joke or something more important!"
"How can you be so cruel!" she accused.
"He was an outlaw, a rebel who had renounced your precious Starfleet and fought for his beliefs. In other words, he was scum."
He waited for her to choke another denial, but she could only mouth a breathy "no."
"Then there was the whole ethnic thing. What would Daddy think if you brought home one of those from your little Delta Quadrant vacation?" he spat at her.
"That had nothing to do with it!" she ran her hand over her forehead.
"Well, come on!" he slapped his knees and arose. "I'm taking you home!"
"What?"
"No, really! I mean it!" he exclaimed, looking to the sky. "Alpha Quadrant. Earth. Right now."
Homecoming
Kathy found herself in a comfortable home that she knew very well. A dog rushed up to her and licked her tears away. She was weak from her emotions, but she managed to hug her familiar friend, who showed a few subtle signs of age. This was her fiancé's home!
She heard a familiar voice from the next room.
"Mark!" she called to him.
Mark rushed into the room, his jaw on his chest. "Kathryn! Is it really you?"
"Yes! It's me!"
She grabbed him and hugged him so hard it hurt.
"I don't believe it! We thought you were lost!" Mark gushed.
"Oh, Mark! I knew I would see you again! I always knew it!" she smiled, her red eyes delighted at the sight of him.
"Honey? What's all the fuss…?" asked a lovely blonde-haired woman who glided into the room. She was tall, gorgeous, and very pregnant.
Kathryn blinked and stepped back unsteadily from Mark. She noticed a gold band on his left hand and her spirits dropped just as quickly as they had been lifted.
"Kathryn, ah, this, this is my wife, Jolea." He saw the look on Janeway's face. "Sweetheart," he said to the Jolea, "could you give us a moment, please? I'll explain later."
"Sure. Kathryn …I…" Jolea attempted. "I'll be in the back, if you need me," she told them.
"Kath, I…well, we thought you were gone," he went to touch her.
"Don't…" she felt as if she were falling off a precipice. She stepped away from him.
"I'm…I…I just had to move on with my life. I would never hurt you, Kathryn. I was so lonely and I pined over you for so long. I was wasting away. Then…"
"Then you met a wonderful woman," Janeway finished for him, her iron will returning in full force.
"I had hoped…I hoped that if you were still alive, that you would have found someone too. Someone as wonderful for you as Jolea is for me."
"Yes," she said idly, not really agreeing.
"Yes, you have? I'm so glad, Kathryn! You have so much to offer. I hope he's good to you.
"I should check on Jolea. She knows how I felt about losing you, what I went through."
"Go ahead," she said quietly as he left.
"Q?" she called. She sat down on the couch and patted her dog.
"Seen enough?" he popped into view.
"I don't know if any of this is real."
"Oh, it is. One hundred percent the truth! They do make a cute couple, don't they, mmm?"
Tears began forming again. "Take me back to my ship, then. I can at least do some good for my crew."
The room faded. She was alone with Q in a limbo of darkness. There was only enough light to see him in front of her.
"Now that that's out of the way, let's talk some more."
"I have nothing to say to you."
"Good. That will be a relief, chatty Kathy!"
Chapter 1Q
Once again, Captain Janeway was in her Starfleet uniform. Her hair was perfectly styled, as if she was about to start her day on the bridge of Voyager. Only her eyes belied her emotional state. She was numb.
Q wore a Commodore's uniform, with full honors. Between them, Q began to stack a series of old style paper manuals, which floated in the air.
"This is the 'Starfleet Handbook on Personal Relationships'," Q noted. "I believe you have whole passages memorized. Three centimeters of drivel."
The Captain stared at the papers. Q continued to stack and explain each item.
"Textbook used in Starfleet Academy's Interspecies Protocol course. "
"What's your point?"
"I like this! These are the scripts for the training videos used for the course. Mmm. Exploding pustules, eh? Baby Octopoids? Nanobots? Ewe! Nasty!"
Janeway still stared. Her face was gaunt and translucent white against the pitch-black environs.
"Here are your notes from the class. Of course, you wrote them on a boring old PADD, but if they were on paper, this is what they would look like."
"Starfleet Regulations in general. This is impressive." A tower of handbooks appeared and reams of paper began shooting up like a wood pulp fountain.
"Here is your Permanent Record. My, aren't you exemplary! The picture perfect Starfleet regulation issue officer."
Tears dripped down Janeway's cheeks as the papers wended their way around her hapless form.
"Space Core Directives! Guides of Good Conduct! Miss Manners. How to Win Friends and Influence People. Machiavelli! Martha Stewart!" he shouted.
"And where has all of this gotten you?" he asked.
Janeway looked at him dully, unable to respond to his nonsense. She kept seeing her First Officer drowning amid the shipwreck. He sacrificed himself to save her. His final words haunted her.
"You don't have to answer now, but there will be a quiz later, which I'm certain you will pass with flying colors! Just like you always do." Q looked around his sea of dancing papers, some of which had morphed into paper airplanes. "Paper is so much more impressive than little dots of light on a computer screen, don't you agree?"
Certainly, Chakotay was her First Officer, her friend and another crewmember whose life was in her hands. Yet, he was something else. She always knew he was more than that. With a flood of regret, she could finally admit it to herself—Chakotay was the love of her life! It was this tangle of training, directives, regulations, protocols, and social acceptability that she used to shield herself from her true feelings. She had blocked Chakotay from her heart, destroying him and effectively herself. Certainly, she could go on without him, for she always survived, but what was survival without her soul? And, her soul was lost in the cruel ocean.
"My point is, I haven't seen this much social and psychological repression since the Victorian era. Kathy, even Vicky had a secret!"
"Starfleet Regulations exist because…"
"Poppycock! Prigs in Space!"
She groaned.
"You are supposed to be a part of an advanced civilization. Prove it! Admit to me, right here and right now, the way you really feel about Chakotay!"
Janeway's stubbornness was still there. "He was a fine First Officer."
"No."
"He was a dear friend," she ventured.
"C'mon!"
"I loved him more than I can say!" she burst, feeling as though shackles had broken from her soul and set her free.
"Finally!"
"What's the use Q? You've killed him!"
"Kathy," he said empathetically, letting the papers vanish into the blackness. He moved closer to her and softly asked, "Don't you know me better than that?"
Q Goes to
Eleven
Part 11
Janeway opened her eyes reluctantly, not certain if she wanted to see anything at all. She ached from head to toe. One burden was lifted from her heart—she had come to terms with her feelings for Chakotay. However, a greater burden weighed it down—she would have to live with the image of his death.
Once again, she was on a ship, a great sailing ship. She allowed her eyes to wander up to the vast rigging. The sails gently billowed from the wind, and the vessel rocked with a lulling rhythm. The sky was severely blue with only a dapple of half-hearted, lazy clouds splashing about, like children in their celestial playground.
She allowed herself to fall forward. Her hands grasped the railing but her weakened arms were barely able to support her slight weight. She stared into the passing waters and another stab of pain clawed at her heart.
She was certain that Q was completely insane. He forced her to admit her love for a man who he had destroyed while she watched, unable to help him. Now, she continued at the mercy and whims of this powerful and unreasonable being. She only hoped that Q would tire of toying with her and allow her final rest as well. The waters looked inviting but no matter how tempting, she would never take her own life.
Her latest costume was lacy and feminine. She tugged at the large bonnet on her head. The visor kept the bright sun from her eyes. She did not even bother to feel foolish.
Sailors rushed about, performing their work of maintaining the ship. Slowly, Janeway looked up to the wheel. Pins and needles shot through her blood and a flush returned to her cheeks.
Chakotay was standing behind the great wheel as if he had piloted a ship all his life. His white puffy sleeves fell softly on his muscular arms. He sported a striped sash under his wide belt and black knee-high boots.
Their eyes met from across the deck. They felt a mutual jolt.
"Captain!" he shouted, when he saw her. That broad, dimpled grin lit up her world.
Janeway could not make a sound; she had no breath. She dashed to meet him on the deck, almost tripping over a barrel and a few seamen who were swabbing the deck.
The pair grabbed one another and Janeway could finally feel air forcing its way into her lungs as she clutched her love.
"You're alive!" she cried, tears of relief this time.
"It seems so!" he laughed.
"I don't know how and I don't know why and I don't care!" she sputtered and was finally able to look at him.
"I figured out how to get Q to send us home!" he announced, looking into her eyes. His heart felt as if it were going to beat its way out of his chest.
She nodded slowly. "I think I know too," she said smiling so hard it hurt her face.
"I meant what I said."
"I know."
"There are Starfleet regulations and protocols…" he began to remind her.
"Commander!" she spouted.
"Yes, Captain," he replied, pulling back as far as her grip would allow. Had he over-stepped his station?
"If you don't kiss me now," she said slowly, "I'm going to bust you down to Cadet!"
"Yes, ma'am!"
The new couple kissed ardently, drinking one another. Finally, their mutual thirst could be quenched. Their lips tingled and then numbed from the pressure. Their hearts flooded with love and relief. They had denied themselves long enough. That was over. They had found home with one another.
Neither of them noticed that they were now standing in the galley of Voyager, hungrily taking one another in. The entire crew was there, struck dumb as they watched their commanders in the throes of passion. Slowly the couple became aware of their surroundings and all the eyes that were on them.
Was Tom actually blushing? Janeway expected that from Harry, but seeing Tom at a loss for words was adorable. Tuvok's eyebrows were up to his hairline; for him it was the equivalent of an outburst.
Best of all, neither Janeway nor Chakotay gave a hang about Starfleet regulations. This was simply the way it was going to be and they would deal with any problems when or if they arose, just as they had always done. Besides, every crewmember, except Tuvok of course, shined a grin that nearly matched their own. It seemed no one really objected to this little breach of Starfleet protocol.
Q was hanging about, jovially handing out flutes of Champaign to the crew. Neelix wanted the tray and Q handed the plucky Talaxian the task. Tuvok instinctively went to call "Intruder Alert" but since the entire crew could see that Q was here, it seemed illogical.
"I propose a toast!" Q cried.
The crew looked at him with anticipation, flutes of bubbly liquid held high.
"Ladies and Gentlemen, unaccustomed as I am to public speaking…"
"Get on with it, Q" Janeway broke in, still holding Chakotay tightly.
"Very well, ma Cap-i-taine!" he agreed. "I have seen the Universe in ways that most of your puny minds could not begin to comprehend…"
"Q!" Janeway objected.
"Sorry," he apologized. "I meant to say, that I have seen the vastnesses of all the many worlds. I have traversed time, space and dimensions. In all my experience, in all my travels, I have never encountered anything beyond the simple human emotion of love!" he raised his glass and sipped with great flourish and then added, "Well, not really, but I just wanted to say that!"
"Oh, and one more thing! Commander Chakotay!" he said, actually saying his correct name. "Is there anything you'd like to say?"
Chakotay knew exactly what he wanted to say and he did not care who heard him. He turned to Janeway.
"Kathryn Janeway. I have been hopelessly in love with you from the moment I saw your beautiful face on the view screen of the Val Jean."
Janeway smiled broadly. Could this really be happening?
"I humbly ask that…" Chakotay choked up and stopped.
"C'mon!" Q broke in." You were doing so well!"
"Q, shut up!" Janeway commanded, but didn't break her smile.
"I sincerely ask you to become my wife."
"Yes."
Her reply did not register. "We could wait awhile…What?"
"Yes, Chakotay! Yes!" she said as she kissed him again.
"Well, you heard it here first! Let's celebrate!" Q said. The party was on.
The crewmembers each took turns congratulating the happy couple. The party finally disbursed but Q was still there.
"Well, Q, I misjudged you." Janeway said. "I owe you an apology and we both owe you a great debt of gratitude." Chakotay was by her side, still glowing.
"Ha! You bet you do!" he retorted. "I want Grandkids!"
fin
Q's Gilbert and Sullivan bit…
She is the spitting image of a space-age Starship Cap-i-taine.
Scares Borg, Hirogen, Malon, the Kazon, and the Vid-ii-an.
Is up to date with science talk and babbles with the best of 'em.
Keeps a hedgehog pet that cooks and says he is Tal-ax-ian.