Um….yeah. Just read and review. I'm not on any drugs, I swear.

Voldy-Boo

Once upon a time, in the shit hole we call England, Lilly and James Potter were going at it. Lots of strange and disgusting things happened in their home that night, so gruesome that we shall not write them.

About nine months later, after the condom had been broken, Lilly was being a bitch in labor. Harry popped his head out and then the doctor did the rest, and Lilly screamed bloody murder. And Harry was born.

About a month later, they received an apology letter from the condom factory, saying that ugly little Harry was all their fault and that they would be willing to brutally murder him for free. This pissed Lilly off, so she started bitchen to James. He, in turn, hired Voldemort to come to his house, break in, and kill everyone. He forgot to take his meds that morning ok?

So anyway, ten years later, Harry was turned into Dudley's sex slave, considering he couldn't get any action himself. So, here we are, in the middle of one of their domestic disputes. (That was an alliteration) (Just so you know) (XD)

"Harry, why are you so sloppy? I told you to (censored) my (censored)!" Dudley screeched at the poor, naked Harry. (If you really don't know what he said, I'm sure you can fill in the blanks with mad libs or something)

"I'm sorry Duddems' but its just so…wrinkly and icky!" Harry so bluntly said. This enraged the great naked caveman, (Dudley). He struck Harry so hard that his glasses flew off. Harry started to sob, as he curled into fetal position in the corner.

"Now listen here! You're my bitch, and you're going to act like it! Now put that in your juice box and SUCK IT!" Dudley yelled, pointing his finger at Harry.

"…ok…." Harry whispered. His face displayed clear despair, his eyes filled with dead hope. O sob, o cry. Poor Harry.

Just then, a letter flew through the mail- slot- thing. (what the hell is that anyway? Do you seriously know anyone who has that on their door? No. I didn't think so.)

Harry bent his naked body over and picked up the envelope. It was addressed to "the sexually abused child under the stairs". Harry ripped it open, expecting another shipment of sex toys for Dumdems and himself. But low and behold! There was a letter! To come to a school for which craft and wizardry! With pictures of the male teachers hugging the young boys! It looked so pleasant and…fun! Harry grabbed his clothes, packed his bags, and went to school on the magic purple short bus for special people.

On the bus, Harry was looking around. All these strange and…ugly people! One kid in particular caught Harry's wandering eye…

"Duh uhr uhr hur…" Ronald Weasly said, smacking his chest with his hand. He wore a purple Barney helmet and knee high socks. His neon green blazer just shouted gay, so Harry decided to take advantage of the special child.

"Hi. I'm Harry. Harry Potter," Harry said, outstretching his hand to the red haired boy in front of him. Ron picked his nose, drawing a long sticky train of boogers from the cavern of his nostril. He slapped it onto Harry's hand, wiping the icky slimy shit onto his hand. Harry looked down at it in disgust, thinking that the child was a barbaric retard.

"Me Ron!" Ron shouted, stomping his feet. He wore blue bunny slippers. "You Harry!" He sounded remotely like the muggle movie Tarzan, and Harry was half expecting him to rip off his clothes revealing a loin cloth. But sadly, he did not.

For some odd reason, Harry found Ronald somewhat sexy. The way his tongue dangled out of his mouth like a hot puppy, and how his lazy eye rolled about his head. It was a serious turn on.

Just then, a girl in a play boy bunny costume opened the door. She sucked on her lollipop, staring at poor Ron with hungry eyes.

"Dare you are bitch!" Ron stammered, "I've been looking for you."

"Sorry pimp-daddy," Hermione said, "I was screwin this albino dude in the loo."

"Dur…not Malfoy again! He hurted my feelings!!" Ron sobbed, sucking his thumb.

Hermione sat next to him, rubbing his back. "There there, it's ok Ronny-poo."

Harry stared at the two, secretly wondering if a three some was possible. But sadly, neither talked to him for the rest of the bus ride, and instead took turns trying to hump the bus seat. It was kind of like a leather orgy, but kind of not.

Finally, the bus pulled up to the school, a giant pink castle with sugar plum fairies circling it. Harry had never seen such a gay (but beautiful) castle in all his young life. His eyes sparkled behind his horned rimed glasses, the innocence of his smile. Dumbly-door looked down from his office window at the new prey-boy-below. He smiled his lecherous smile, his hot dog growing exciteded. He remembered when a boy named Tom riddle once attended the school, looking upon it as Harry did now.

Ah, Tom. Dumbly-door's first rape victim. Those were the days. Tom was Dumbly-door's first and only love, and was named tommy-kins at the time. But know that he was totally bad-ass, he had changed his name to Voldy-Boo. Yeah, that's right. Voldy-Boo.

Hagrid, also known as Big Gay Giant, stampeded over the children, accidentally killing Hermione. Oops. Oh well. No one likes her anyway. Harry's like the sexy school kid, and Ron….Ron is just Ron. Hermione has like no relevance to the story except that she's all like annoying and stuff, and J.K. here decided to stick her with spech cause no one loved him and he was all jealous of Harry and stuff and deserved happiness or something. But enough about them.

So anyway, Bunny-Whore was dead, flat on the ground like road kill. Hagrid thought she'd either make good pancakes, or a nice fur coat. So he peeled her off, skinned her, then ate her flesh. He slung her limp, formless skin around his neck like a scarf. Yay. Bye bye bitch, hello the creation of Prada. (What you didn't know it was founded by a giant gay person? God you're stupid.)

Ron cried a little, and then got over it cause Harry offered to be his new bitch. He really really found Ronald attractive, and would do ANYTHING for him. Like we're talking Kama sutra anything. Yeah. Like the crab position and shit like that. You thought those were the ghosts making those moaning noises at night? Think again, think again. …..think again again.

So they requested to be "roommates" (cough) lovers (cough).

Harry unpacked all his fun sex-toys, dumping them about the floor. Ron and him instantly began playing with them, and they got so involved, that they missed that stupid banquet thing were Dumbly-Door basically just says hi. I think its more for show, cause, they like eat all fancy-full like that all the time, and they're like little piggies cause they get like a mountain of K.F.C. every meal. It's a shocker that they're all not like ooze-cakes or something. (Me and my friends call fat people ooze-cakes. No offense to you ooze-cakes or anything, but we're like talking about those people who weigh like five hundred pounds and are all jello-like.)

So Snapey-snookums walks into the room and is all like "Holy Sh&!!" so he runs and gets M.G. Dog (Professor Magonical). And then she's all like "What the Fu!!"

So Harry and Ronald get dramatically separated, and sing some gay-ass song about love or something. And then the fat lady painting thing that's really annoying and ooze-cake and asks for the password and crap kicks ronny-Poo out and keeps Harry cause she finds him smexy.

So there Ron is, wandering the halls, when he comes across a dark alley. He is curious if there are any rapists, so he decides to check it out. Red eyes looked at him through the shadows, and Ron thought it was the devil, coming to defile him.

"Hello Ronald Weasly."

Ron gasped. "How do you know my name Satan?!"

"I am not Satan. But that was kind of you to say so. I'm Voldemort!"

Bum bum BummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!!

Ron gasped again, "Duhrrrrr no way!"

So Voldemort gave him some crack and then Ron sold it to all the kids and everyone loved him. But then Dumbly-Door used a spell to disquise himself as a student and he bought some and caught Ron in the act. So Ron spazed out and told on Voldemort. Cause he's a tattle-tale. No one likes a Tattle-Tale. So Ron was now dubbed as a butt nugget, and everyone hated him. (Buttnuggets are either mean or stupid or just plain annoying people. Or whatever you want it to be. Buttnugget is a magical word, and it's full of wonder and joy.)…..(And joyness).

Hearing news of Voldemort's return, Dumbly-door was overjoyed. He searched the whole castle at night, wearing only a flimsy night gown.

"Voldy-Boo? I heard you were here….Come out poopsie-kins!"

"Dumbly-Door? Is that you??" Voldemort asked, appearing from the shadows. Again. "B-but you're so old and wrinkly!"

"I've grown old. Unlike you I'm not immortal."

"So…you're fragile now?"

Dumbly-door smiled. "Not in the slightest. I'm still just as good in bed as I was when you were a child."

Voldy-Boo smiled, "Yeah?"

"Yeah."

So they started going at it in the hall, sharing each others STD's and whatnot. Disturbing noises flowed from the hall, followed by a crack. Voldemort smiled. His plan had worked! He had successfully banged Dumbly-Door to death!

Voldy-Boo's revenge had been carried out! And now, his soul could rest in peace.

Fin.

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