you've spent the better part of your life hurtling towards something - the light at the end of the tunnel, so to speak. the thing that makes everything worth it. all the small things you've ever done are the predecessors to something larger: you forgo weekend parties so you can get extra practice hours in to ensure that you'll beat the new girl's time on the swim team. you want to beat the new girl and be the best on the swim team so you can get a scholarship to one of the best colleges in the country, maybe even a full ride. later, you'll use your diploma from that same college to get a great job so you can provide stability for your family so they, in turn, can provide for their families.
it seems like your entire life has been planned down to the end; always one, two, three steps ahead of where you're actually at, and you're never actually living in the moment. sometimes you stop, take stock of where you are, and wonder exactly how you got there. not physically, not like how did i get to the front of my locker? wasn't i just in physics a minute ago? but more like how did i get to my senior year and not have anything to show for it besides some record swim times and a 3.8 gpa? and those faded scars on the inside of your thighs, but you don't think about those, not anymore. you just keep your head up, keep your gaze focused ahead, and try to breath as steadily as possible.
it's like you've been living in your own little contained glass bubble for the past few years - just you and your plans. there's only ever been one person who can break through and pull you into the real world and rattle you until you can feel it in your bones, feel it in the clenching of your jaw and the racing of your heart.
emily keeps you afloat when you feel like you're finally going to succumb to the weight of the world that you've placed on your own shoulders. she always has, even if you never tell her, and you often wonder, as you watch her from beneath your eyelashes across the classroom, if she can feel it. if she can feel you waiting for her to notice you, waiting for her to give even the slightest of signs that you register on her radar, waiting for her to finally turn and narrow her eyes and realize that you're drowning and shout for help.
even when the two of you finally collide in the most wonderful of ways and emily makes it very, very apparent that she sees you now, you're never fully sure that your insecurities go away. the city keeps spinning around you, your plans keep piling up on one another, and the thought of even the slightest thing derailing sends you spiraling into panic attacks that leave you gasping on the floor with tears streaming from your eyes.
emily walks in on you having a panic attack one time and one time only. it was just enough to see her brown eyes widen in concern and to have her drop down to her knees beside you, cradling your head in her lap and whispering words of comfort to you. somewhere in the rush of words that jumbles in your head and don't make much sense, you catch a hint of an i love you and something ferocious fights its way out from behind your ribcage, right where your heart is, and suddenly you don't feel so trapped anymore. you don't feel so scared and alone, and the dizzying edges of the room pull themselves together, clearing up, until all you can see is her face filling your vision. slowly, slowly, your heart comes down from its frantic climb and your breathing steadies while her lips find your forehead and your fingers tangle together until you feel warm enough to let go.
after that, emily is a better fix than any medication could ever be.
your life is still planned out in broad terms. you know where you're going, you know what you're doing, you know how you're accomplishing it. yet you don't seem as cut off from the world as you were, and you can actually take a night or two off without feeling like you're committing one of the cardinal sins. emily is always there to force you to take a step back when you get too involved, and she's there to pick up the pieces when you crash down after a setback. more than once you tell her to go and find a girlfriend who isn't so fucked up, who isn't so stuck in her own head, but she doesn't listen. she never has and she never will, and that's one of the things you love most about her.
that, and the way that she can stop everything completely still just when you need it.