I do not own 'Heroes' or anything related.
Previously on Heroes Abridged (With Commentary):
Man: Help! I'm trapped under rubble! Isn't there anyone to save me?
(The door is smashed down. Coming through is a masked girl in a cheerleader styled superhero costume)
Masked Girl: I'll save you!
Man: -Who are you?
Masked Girl: Ah, I'm glad you asked. I am Resurrection Girl, cheerleader by day, crimefighter by night!
Man: But it's daylight outside!
Ressurection Girl: Look, do you want to be rescued, or not?
Man: Yes please.
Copycat: Look out world, cos there's a new superhero in town, and his name is Copycat! UP UP AND AWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! (Crashes into a car below) Okay. I admit. That could have gone better.
Woman: Help! Somebody help me!
Mindcop: I'll save you! I am the brilliant Mindcop! I can read and anticipate your every move!
Mugger: Yeah? And what good's that in a fight-GAK!
Mindcop: I also have a gun.
Woman: (Running away) Thanks Officer Parkman!
Mindcop: Wait, what no! I'm the brilliant Mindcop!
Woman: Suuuuure you are!
Oracle: Oh it's so terrible! The world is going to end! So terrible, terrible, terrible! Did I mention how terrible it's gonna be?
Simone: Yes! Several times! Here's an idea. How about instead of moaning about how terrible the future is going to be why don't you try to stop what's coming to pass like all the other precogs on TV?
Oracle: I did not understand a word you just said.
Crook: Look out! It's the Fantastic Four!
Herculanea: No no no, we're the Tremendous Three! The clue is in how many we are.
Asclepius: Curses! Another one of my heists have been foiled by the Tremendous Three! Still, they cannot stop my diabolical plans to bring world peace! Mwahahaa! Mwahaha! MWAHAHAAHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
Mohinder: I believe that all these superheroes are the next stage of evolution. Believe it!
Student: We don't want to.
Mohdiner: aww, please?
Student: No.
Mohinder: I'll be your friend.
Student: Only if you state the right amount of percentage of the brain a person uses!
Clockwork: Mwahahahaaa! I am the villainous Clockwork! Fear my zombie styled appetite!
Chronos: The world's in danger! And by the world, I mean New York. Come Average Joe! We must save the world!
Ando: I'd really wish that you'd stop calling me Average Joe-
Chronos: We must Vamoosh!
VAMOOSH
Audrey: Mindcop! You must help me catch the superhero killer Clockwork!
Mindcop: Okay!
Future Chronos: Copycat, the Resurrection Girl's in danger. She needs to be saved in order to save the world.
Copycat: And out of all the superheroes in the world you're coming to me?
Future Chronos: Yeah, I know. I'm kinda low on options here.
Resurrection Girl: Help! Somebody save me even though I'm a superhero and I should be able to defend myself!
Copycate: I'll save you!
Resurrection Girl: ….Help! Somebody useful save me even though I'm a superhero and I should be able to defend myself!
Copycat: Oh come on! I can take him!
(Resurrection Girl and Clockwork look at each other)
Resurrection Girl and Clockwork: HAHA! HAHA! HAHAHAHAAHA-!
Copycat: I'm serious, I can beat him!
Clockwork: Oh stop it, you're killing me!
Resurrection Girld and Clockwork: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAH-
Clockwork: GAK!
Ressurrection Girl: -Oh! You did beat him after all! I guess you're not as useless as everyone thinks? As long as you're not using your powers, that is.
Copycat: WAAH! Oh, I had a horrible premonition that I blow up New York! I must flee civilization and never come back!
Everyone: HOORAY!
Flying Man: Copycat! You must come with me! It is the only way!
Copycat: No Flying Man! I must defy all logic and refuse any help given to me!
Flying Man: Okay seriously Pete, it's crap like this why people say you suck as a superhero!
Copycat: I don't suck! I'm just misunderstood that's all!
Copycat: Oh great and aresholy Invisible Man! I come to you for help in order for me not to explode and kill everyone even though I have been given no indication that you will stop me from exploding.
(The Invisible Man calmly sips his tea)
Invisible Man: Sure, why not.
Invisible Man: And now I must suddenly leave the series, like other popular secondary characters on this show!
Copycat: Wait, you can't! You haven't finished teaching me how to draw out all my powers even though I've already done that!
Mohinder: Well I'm getting nowhere with this mutant hunting thing, but I'm sure fate will give me a break anytime soon.
(Silence)
Mohinder: Yep. Any minute now.
Fate: Look, I already gave you one break, and you turned it down faster than you can say 'Dana Scully', I'm not giving you another one!
Mohinder: AW, come on, please?
Fate: No.
Mohinder: Be your best friend.
Fate: NO! You had your chance and you blew it. Now any involvement you make will only make things worse!
Mohinder: Aw, nuts!
Nuclear Man: Mindcop! We must fight the company and make them pay for giving us these powers that we were born with!
Mindcop: Makes perfect sense to me!
Mindcop: FREEZE! We're here to punish you for giving us our powers!
HRG: But, you had your powers beforehand. That's how you knew no to trust Lethe.
Mindcop: -Oh. That's right. Um, whoops?
Mindcop: (In a cell) Well this could have gone better.
HRG: Don't worry, Mindcop. I have a plan. But we need to work together…
Lethe: Now that the Company knows your powers have awakened, I must take you away so that they will never find you.
Resurrection Girl: Well that's great and all but I think instead I shall double cross you and escape to New York to find Copycat.
Angela: Ressurection Girl. Your father never told you what happened to your grandmother.
Ressurection Girl: He told me enough! He told me-wait a minute which grandmother are you talking about, the one that apparently died or the one that lives in the county?
Angela: No. I am your grandmother.
Ressurection Girl: No. No. That's not true! That's impossible!
Angela: Search your feelings, you know it to be true.
Ressurection Girl: NOOOOOOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Asclepius: Join us, Flying Man, and together, we shall rule the world as, um, president and vice-president.
Flying Man: And how do you plan to conquer the world?
Asclepius: By instigating a catastrophe that destroys half of New York, which will usher in an era of world peace.
Flying Man: -That plan sounds awfully familiar.
Asclepius: I assure you our plan is a hundred percent original.
(Ozymendias and Bubastis are watching Asclepius and Flying on one of the viewing screens.)
Bubastis: Hey Boss! That guy completely stole your own idea to bring world peace!
Ozymendias: True, but don't worry Bubastis, we'll get back at them by updating our plan and stealing their exploding man idea, plus ours will happened across the world instead of blowing up the one city in the most hated country in the world.
HRG: We need to go to New York to take down their new tracking system!
Mindcop: Sounds like a plan!
Oracle: Hello, Clockwork, I've been expecting you.
Clockwork: Given that you're a precog, I was expecting that. But shouldn't you be trying to change your fate like most precogs?
Oracle: Unlike those guys I tend to just let the thing happen.
Clockwork: -Riiiiiiiiiiiiiight. I'm sure that would make an interesting TV show.
Future Chronos: Clockwork was the bomb, but I couldn't kill him because he had taken Ressurection Girl's ability, but now that he no longer has the ability he can be killed and the world will be saved.
Chronos: And you're sure that with Sylar gone, the world will be saved?
Future Chronos: Of course I'm sure! I'm the wise warrior achetypical character! We're never wrong!
Copycat: So this Nuclear Man has the power to destroy New York? So I must have somehow absorbed his power in the future! Well then, I must completely defy all logic and go to the person to gain the New York destroying power in the first place!
Ghost: Oh no! Our son's been kidnapped by the evil Asclepius!
Herculea: We have to go save him!
Herculea: Oh my God! Our entire lives have been nothing but a part of this diabolical scheme!
Asclepius: MWAHAHAHA! Yes it is true. I've manipulate your lives so you could marry and have a child just so I could rig an election.
Ghost: And you couldn't think of any simpler ways to do it?
Asclepius: No apparently. Now watch as I kill the woman you love.
Ghost: Like Hell you will!
Asclepius: GAK!
Mindcop: I won't let you kill this kid!
HRG: I don't care.
Mohinder: I won't let you kill this kid either!
HRG: Okay I give in.
Clockwork: And now, Copycat, let us begin the greatest superpowered battle ever portrayed on national television. FORCE STRANGLE!
Copycat: GAK! Oh no! You've attacked the part of my body that makes me useless!
Clockwork: Oh my God are you kidding me? I mean you've got all these powers, more than me, and all you can do is float there helpless? What's the matter with you?
Mindcop: CLOCKWORK! TAKE THIS!
Clockwork: And you know that I can just stop bullets with my mind, why bother shooting me? AGGGGGGGGH! Stop annoying us with your stupidity and abrasive attitude and die!
Mindcop: GAK!
Clockwork: Sigh, is there anyone in this show who actually has a BRAAAAAAAAIN?
Herculea: Nope. HERCULEA SMASH!
Clockwork: OWIE.
Copycat: Now I have the power to defeat you, Clockwork! Copycat Pummel!
Copycat: I did it. I SAVED NEW YORK, WOOHOO! For once in my life I did something-(Notices glowing hands) Whoops. Hehe. Turns out I was the bomb after all.
Herculea: Well, looks like Copycat screwed up again.
Ghost: What a surprise.
Chronos: CLOCKWORK!
Clockwork: You! GAK!
Chronos: Yatta! I have saved New York City! I have stopped the exploding man!
Copycat: Actually it turned out that I'm the exploding man.
Chronos: -Oh. Right. Um. Whoops. But that can't be! Future Chronos told me it was Clockwork and wise warriors are never wrong!
Copycat: Apparently they are if they're you.
Chronos: Well don't worry, I just need to stab you and AAAAAAAAAH!
Clockwork: Heh heh. Looks like Chronos is blasting off again. BLEAH.
VAMOOSH
Copycat: Ressurrection Girl! Do it! It's the only way!
Resurrection Girl: No! I can't kill my own uncle even though you can just come back from the dead afterwards after the bullet's removed.
Flying Man: Fear not, people of New York. I will clean up the mess!
Technoboy: Yay! It's Flying Man!
Everyone: Flying Man, Flying Man, does whatever a pigeon can, he can soar, from a roof, no time to talk, cos he's aloof, look up! There flies the Flying Man!
Flying Man: Copycat, come with me. It's no everyone only way to save everyone.
Copycat: No, Flying Man! I must completely defy all logic and reject your attempts to save New York-
Flying Man: OH FOR GOODNESS SAKE, MAN, STOP DEFYING ALL LOGIC AND USE YOUR COMMON SENSE FOR ONCE!
Copycat: Kay.
Mohinder: And so, we say goodbye to Flying Man and Copycat, who will never, ever come back.
Ressurection Girl: Um, wasn't Copycat supposed to survive exploding? I'm pretty sure that was mentioned several-
Mohinder: Ever, ever come back.
-Or something like that. And now, on Heroes…
Meanwhile in Cairo, a Bishop has met up with Mohinder in order to turn him to the morally ambiguous side of the Force.
Bishop: A group of enlightened mutants, including myself, from across the globe joined together in order to save the world.
Mohinder: And what, most of you happened to be American?
Bishop: Hey, we had a Japanese person in our group as well! And a Brit! Two possibly.
Mohinder: Yes, two non-Americans, two against like a dozen, that completely makes it a multi-national group! So what were you like the X-men or something?
Bishop: Close. We were the I-men.
Victim: Help me! Someone with a gun is trying to take my purse!
Superhero: Stop, villainous fiend! Unhand that poor woman!
Mugger: Who are you supposed to be?
Superhero: I'm glad you asked! My name is Parasite!
Superheroine: And I'm Sybil!
Asclepius: Asclepius!
Midas: Midas!
Analyser: Analyser!
Nightmare: Nightmare!
The Immortal: The Immortal!
Superheroine: And a whole load of heroes who's powers haven't been revealed yet!
Parasite: And together, we are-
I-men: (Dramatic pose) THE I-MEN!
Mugger: Wh-what are you gonna do to me?
Immortal: We're going to defeat you with our numerous superpowers! CHARGE!
(The I-men are about to advance, then stop.)
Mugger: Why have you stopped?
Sybil: I've just realised, all I can do is see the future in my dreams. It's not really a combative power.
Asclepius: Well don't look at me! All I can do is heal! Which should be useful later on.
Midas: I could possibly turn his gun into gold, rendering it useless (Mugger points the gun at him) Or I could just stand here.
Nightmare: I can read minds! I could possibly predict his every move…although in terms of actually defeating him it's pretty useless.
Parasite: All I can do is take powers- but none of yours would be useful in this situation.
Sybil: Plus none of us would want to give you our powers.
Immortal: Why did I recruit you specific people again?
Mugger: Well what can you do?
Immortal: I, lowly mortal, can instantly heal from any wound inflicted upon me!
Mugger: Is that all?
Immortal: …Yeah, pretty much.
Mugger: Hey you! What's your power.
Analyser: I have the power to predict the future by analysing all the variables and ignoring all those that have no relevance.
Sybil: So basically in terms of 'Harry Potter', I have a Divination style of telling the future, whereas he's the arithmancer.
Analyser: Exactly. Wait what, 'Harry Potter'?
Sybil: You'll get that reference in about thirty years. Trust me.
Mugger: So what do you predict?
Analyser: I predict that you'll shoot all of us, and get away with the woman's purse.
Mohinder: Wow. And I thought Peter sucked as a superhero!
Bishop: I know. So after that botched up incident, we realised that we needed to recruit mutants who could actually fight. Then in the eighties corporations were all the rage, so we traded our spandex for suits.
Meanwhile in New York Nathan is grieving over the apparent death of his brother even though it had been stated that he couldn't die.
Angela: Peter's gone, Nathan, you killed your brother.
Nathan: I thought he couldn't die? Also, how did me stopping him from blowing up New York result in him dying?
Angela: Because shut up.
Nathan: I mean if I miraculously survived a nuclear explosion that should have killed me at least from the radiation exposure when I don't even have regenerative abilities, then surely Peter did!
Chief: It's a miracle that you survived being shot five times in the chest. Seriously, the doctors said that should have killed anyone else! Someone must like you up there. A whole staff of them!
Matt: I think it was actually millions out there that convinced the staff to save me.
Commentator: Who on Earth could possibly like this guy?????
Teacher: I don't think you are an appropriate guardian for Molly.
Matt: Huh? Why?
Teacher: Because you're too poor, that's why. And everyone knows that the wealthier you are the happier and more stable the household is!
Meanwhile in 17th Century Japan, Hiro comes face to face with his hero.
Hiro: Hey, wait a minute! You're not Japanese!
Kensei: What are you talking about? I'm as Japanese as you!
Hiro: Dude, yeh've got white skin, blond hair, and blue eyes. You couldn't be less Japanese!
Kensei: That never stopped Naruto Uzumaki or Joey Wheeler.
Commentator: Oi! No breaking the fourth wall, you!
Kensei: Huh? Why?
Commentator: Cos in a serious live action series like this it's tacky, that's why!
Claire: Hey, you got a minute?
Nathan: How did you get this number?
Claire: I'm not entirely sure. Possibly around the same time I found out you weren't dead. I need someone to whine to about how I can't use my powers and act like myself-hello?
(West is seen spying on Claire, then flies away)
Commentator: Whoa whoa whoa whoa, hold on for a sec. THAT'S the 'really cool power' Claire's future boyfriend has? The power of flight? That's not a cool power! That's a really, really, corny power! Why do you think Clark Kent never flies on Smallville?
Professor: Well what would you consider a cool super power?
Commentator: How about generating electricity? Now THAT'S a cool super power!
Professor: Then you'll like one the upcoming new heroes…
Commentator: The what now?
Professor: (Groan) Mutants.
Tuko: Where are the ipods you stole from us?
Peter: Whoa whoa whoa hold on for the sec. You guys seriously believe, that I stole your ipods, then chained myself half naked in the crate, sending me to your mercy?
Ricky: Um, yes?
(Awkward silence)
Peter: You guys aren't very bright, are you?
Ricky: You're surprisingly intelligent.
Peter: Just because I don't remember anything, doesn't mean I'm dumb.
Meanwhile in Ireland, Peter uses his abilities to escape and save Kaitlen.
Commentator: Wait hold on, I thought he needed to remember the people in order to use their abilities? How's he supposed to do that if he can't remember any of them?
Meanwhile in Ireland, Ricky convinces Peter to go along with their heist in exchange for some clues to his past.
Peter: Well, even though I could just take the information from you with my numerous powers, I'll go along with your heist. After all, taking away what belongs to someone else and being an accessory to bodily harm justifies satisfying my own personal desires, right? Right?
Meanwhile in Haiti, Mohinder has tracked down the Haitian in order to cure him of a virus.
Haitian: I do not want your cure. I am confident that this is punishment from the benevolent God for unspecified wrong doings I have committed.
Commentator: Hoo boy. Another fanatic. Want me to convert him to liberalism? I can think of a number of passages from the Bible!
Mohinder: No, I got this one. I believe that God sent me to you in order to heal you.
Haitian: God? Aren't you a Hindu?
Mohinder: What's your point?
Haitian: I thought Hindus believe in many gods?
Mohinder: Actually most Hindus believe that all the gods and goddesses are just representations of the supreme power Brahman, which is sort of like God, so in that sense Hinduism has a kind of monotheistic system.
Haitian: But, wouldn't calling Brahman God be describing it which goes against the concept that Brahman is indescribable which is what the gods and goddesses are for?
Mohinder: …True… On the other hand, Mahadeva, which means 'the Great God', can also be translated to mean 'God'.
Haitian: So, which Hindu deity do you consider God then?
Mohinder: I don't know, Vishnu, Shiva, the Great Goddess, look I come from a fictional India where Chennai's still called Madras, where everyone speaks English on a daily basis and where I suspect the crew, instead of filming in the actual Chennai, filmed in a different Indian city to give Madras a "stereotypical Indian feel so that people could connect better", do you really expect me to be authentically Indian?
Meanwhile in Honduras, two new characters, twins Maya and Alejandro, have just gotten over the border. Maya has the power to kill anyone nearby, whereas Alejandro holds the vaccine. Having just accidentally killed their nanny, Alejandro uses his power to bring her back to life.
Nidia: You two are evil! (To Alejandro) Especially you! How dare you bring me back from the dead! How dare you! (Runs away)
Meanwhile in 17th century Japan, in order to fix the timeline (Apparently), our Hiro has impersonated his hero Kensei in order to rescue the princess.
Bandit 1: Why is he referring to himself in the third person?
Hiro: Is it that weird? Couldn't I just have a big ego?
Bandit 2: That's plausible, I guess, it just seemed odd for some reason, that's all.
Yaeko: Oo look, a deer!
Hiro: Father always said that deer were messengers of God.
Yaeko: God? I thought us Japanese were generally polytheistic?
Hiro: -Oops. Forgot that before the West penetrated Japan everyone believed in many gods.
Yaeko: -What are you talking about, even in the present day monotheists only make up-
Commentator: NO BREAKING THE FOURTH WALL! Even if your fact is pretty valid.
Meanwhile in Costa Verde, Claire is experimenting with her powers by cutting off her toe, only for it to grow back again.
Claire: Hey it worked! And now I'm instantly regretting my action. I was quite attached to that toe. I've had it all my life.
Commentator: (Pats her on the shoulder) There, there, Claire, I know how you feel. We're all attached to our toes.
(Claire notices that West is outside)
Claire: Er, was there any chance he didn't see that?
Claire: Hey, where did he go?
Mr Muggles: Ruff! RUFF! RUFF! (Barks at the sky)
Claire: Hmm. I wonder why Mr Muggles is barking upwards? Unless of cos West can fly and is above us right now…. Huh. I'm sure it's nothing.
What will happen now that West knows Claire's secret? Can Hiro set the timeline right, or end up creating the history that he knows? And will Peter discover his past? Find out next time on 'Heroes Abridged (With Commentary)'!
P.S. I do not own Ozymendias, Bubastis or anything related.