Disclaimer: I wouldn't be here if I owned HP; all my fics would be in the books!

A/N

Creatress: Here's my second one!!!!

Sev: And what unholy torture will I be put through this time?

Angie: Oatmeal!! Make him not be able to make oatmeal!!!

Devie: Why did so many of our readers think that the Mac N Cheese was oatmeal??? It was yellow…

Sev: Argh!!

Creatress: What?! No. No oatmeal.

Mione: He can't make oatmeal either.

Sev: What the-?! I can so!

Mione: You probably can't. I've thought about it; even did some research.

Sev: (raises eye-brow) Indeed?

Mione: (nodding solemnly) Indeed.

Creatress: giggles Sev looks pissed… Now, there's an idea…

luv
Creatress

xXxXxXxXxXxXx

Irritable Male Syndrome

Hermione sat in a big, comfortable sofa in the Snape household's library/study. It was her favourite place in the house to do some reading; the room was so relaxing and calm. Usually, she was at her desk or in the comfortable, brown sofa with some book or another, but today, she was flipping through a magazine. It wasn't Potions Weekly, or the Charms Annual; it was a muggle womens' magazine: Creatress Magazine. (A/N: yea, that's right; couldn't think of anythin better; just keep readin)

Hermione herself was surprised that she liked it; a year ago, she would never have thought she'd read every month's issue, cover to cover. But here she was. Contrary to what people usually think about these womens' magazines, they were full of interesting, intellectually stimulating articles that were quite different from the make-up tips, weight-loss fads, clothing ideas that people usually associated with them.

As Hermione flipped through the pages, something caught her eye. 'Have you married a jerk?' the article's lead-in asked, and though Hermione had no idea why, it seemed to her that the question was very nonchalant.

'Have I married a jerk?' Hermione asked herself, searching her brain for an answer. 'Of course, I have no - '

Just then, she heard the front door slam shut and the whole house seemed to shake.

Hermione frowned, wryly. 'Sev's home,' she thought. 'I should go and greet him.'

Just then, she heard another ear-splitting crash and Severus Snape's voice shouting angrily at Marvil.

'Or not.'

Nevertheless, she got up and straightened her white, short-sleeved peasant top and navy blue, denim skirt and slipped into her open-toed white sandals before walking out of the study. She silently crept into the hallway outside the study and looked down the staircase, so that she got a birds' eye view of the action.

"Leave!" Severus Snape barked at Marvil, towering over the house-elf. His face was twisted in anger. "Out of my sight! Now!"

Marvil, looking like he was about to burst into tears, scurried up the stairs as Severus turned and stalked angrily into the sitting room.

When Marvil appeared at the top of the stairs, Hermione grabbed him by the arm. "Marvil! Shut up!" she snapped when he squealed.

"Miss Mudblood will let go of Marvil!" Marvil snapped back.

Hermione frowned and fought the urge to punch the stupid elf in its stupid face. "What happened, Marvil?" she asked, keeping her tone calm and even, making sure that it voiced the authority she had over him.

Marvil calmed down and Hermione let him go. "Marvil hear the door open, so Marvil goes to see what happened and he sees Master enter the house. But Marvil trips and pushes the coat stand into the wall."

Hermione raised her eye-brows and looked down the staircase again. The coat stand was standing; no doubt Severus had magicked it up again. The coats and cloaks did look a little disheveled though.

"He snapped at you for that?" Hermione asked. She didn't like the house-elf, but nobody deserved to be yelled at for a small accident.

Marvil shrugged. "Master comes in, looking angry already."

Hermione nodded, now understanding. Of course. Severus had already met some trouble that put him into one of his moods (meeting Fudge seemed to do that to him; when Severus had accepted the summer job of heading a team that was set on developing counter attacks to some highly effective curses, he hadn't expected to have so many meetings with that bumbling fool who somehow managed to get himself elected over and over again) then came home to a crash that threw him over the edge.

Hermione tsk-tsked, knowing that it would annoy Marvil. "Go find something to do with yourself, Marvil, and stay out from under his feet."

Marvil glared and her, and Hermione resisted the urge to smirk smugly. Marvil absolutely hated taking orders from her, because of her family and how muggle they were. Nevertheless, he had to obey his new mistress and he grudgingly stalked off.

Hermione then started down the stairs to go to the sitting room to see what was bugging Severus. When she got there, he was sitting in the creamy-coloured armchair, head back, eyes closed, a shot of whiskey in his right hand as his left massaged his temple. He was wearing a black shirt and black pants, his cloak having been thrown into the corner of the triple-seater sofa to his right.

Hermione shook her head as she stood in the doorway. He looked so out of place in the room. He was the only shot of black in the sitting room, which was done in warm, welcoming colours of off-whites and light caramels, and furnished with a rich brown wood. It had been her design, of course; it had been her idea to buy the house, totally against his wishes, so why should he have bothered to help with décor?

Smiling a little at the memory, Hermione glanced around her at the interior of the house. It was three stories high, quite large, with a sprawling front law and backyard. If it wasn't for the fact that it was a wizarding neighbourhood, it reminded Hermione of the home she had grown up in with her parents. But being in a wizarding neighbourhood was good, too, especially with the Lupins next door; Severus had been… quite annoyed, let's say… when he'd found out.

Speaking of which…

Hermione turned her thoughts back to Severus, who got up to refill his shot glass.

She stepped into the room and regarded him.

"Is there something you need?!" Severus suddenly snapped, his back to her.

Hermione frowned. After years of them having been together, it still sometimes felt like he treated her as if she was still his student at Hogwarts. "No, Sev, I wanted to see if you needed anything."

Severus turned around, and his eyes quickly ran over her before he raised an eye-brow at her. Hermione stopped herself from smiling to herself; he looked incredibly attractive when he did that.

"Is that so?" he asked, his voice low and silky, a small smirk tugging at his lips.

Hermione almost smiled and rolled her eyes. "Why are you so upset?" she asked, instead of replying to that very subtle beginning of foreplay. Slytherins and subtlety went together quite well, but she was quite good at picking up on hidden meanings behind his words.

Severus frowned. If there was release to his anger, he obviously would not be searching for it within sexual indulgences with his wife. Oh well. Back to the whiskey.

Hermione frowned when he didn't answer. "Sev…" she said, exasperatedly.

"You want to know what is wrong?!" he snapped again, throwing her a scathing look. "I just spent two hours listening to Fudge, followed by another four with a team of dunderheads who should not have been allowed to pass second year!"

"Is there anything I can do to help?" Hermione immediately offered.

"No, I do not wish to think about work now," Severus muttered savagely, turning back to the wine cabinet and picking up a bottle.

"I meant…" he heard Hermione say. Her voice sounded closer, Severus thought. And as confirmation, her hand fell on his and she pushed the bottle back into the cabinet. Severus turned around curiously and was caught off-guard when she slid her arms around his neck and placed a kiss against his lips. "Is there anything I do to help you feel better?"

Severus smirked. "Perhaps," he muttered as he wrapped his arms around her waist and slid his right hand under blouse. As he caressed her bare back beneath the blouse as he felt for her bra, he unintentionally tickled her, and Hermione grinned as she arched her back. He placed little butterfly kisses along her jaw line and throat as she buried her face into his neck and breathed in his scent; he smelled lightly of cologne and some sweet spice. His lips then found hers and he ravaged her mouth with his own; kissing her, while licking and softly biting.

DING DONG!!

Hermione froze as she remembered something.

"Ignore it," Severus ordered, his voice now muffled by her throat.

DING DING DING DING!!

"Oh, God, Sev, please - " she was mumbling, trying to find the words to ask him to stop. She needn't have bothered.

Even Severus froze this time. From the front foyer, Remus Lupin's voice rang out. "Severus, Hermione, your door's broken!"

Severus closed his eyes and growled in irritation, extremely offensive curse words and hexes running through his head at once.

Hermione smiled apologetically up at him and raised herself up on her toes to peck his cheek, but thought better of it. Instead, she squeezed his hand and he looked at her, a tired expression on his face. "I am going to sleep," he informed her and stalked out of the room.

Hermione sighed and made her way to the foyer where Remus was swinging the door back and forth. "Good afternoon, Hermione," he said.

"Remus," she smiled back.

Remus turned back to the door. "I leant on it and it just sprang open. Did you slam it?"

"No."

Hermione turned around in surprise. Severus was standing behind her, looking at Remus and the front door with an agitated expression on his face. "I closed it."

"Oh?" Remus asked, a little amused.

"And you, Remus, would make excellent legal counsel for those charged with break and enters."

After Severus had gone to take his nap and Remus left after chatting and picking up the bottle of Pepper-Up he'd come over to borrow, Hermione went back to the study to read the magazine. 'Have you married a jerk?' the magazine asked again. Hermione blinked. Seeming to read her mind, the magazine went on. The next line said, 'No, you haven't! He's just got IMS!'

xXxXxXxXx

"Oh my God, Hermione, that makes perfect sense!" Tonks exclaimed.

It was later on that day, and Remus and dragged Severus away next door to help him flush an annoying boggart out of the attic. Hermione and Tonks were in the sitting room, having tea. The magazine lay open to the IMS article in front of them.

"Irritable Male Syndrome," Tonks read. "He has all the symptoms! Look: 1) Gets angry at everything. 2) Blames others for anger…"

Hermione shifted uncomfortable in her seat. "The magazine says that he should get help, straight away," she told her friend.

Tonks looked up at her. "So?"

Hermione frowned and gave her a pointed look. "Would you like to tell him?"

Tonks snorted and patted her stomach. "Pregnant women shouldn't do stupid things, Mione. I'm sorry; you're on your own. I'll stick around if you would like… Make sure he doesn't kill you."

Just then, the front door opened again and Hermione heard Severus and Remus walk down the hallway. Hermione bit her lip and picked up the magazine. She was suddenly glad that they couldn't apparate into the house or out of; it was a security measure against thieves, but it also just gave her a warning sign that Severus had come back.

Severus entered the sitting room first, and after giving Hermione a nod (Severus was never one for even the smallest signs of affection in public), he settled down into the arm chair. Remus, on the other hand, kissed Tonks' cheek as soon as he sat next to her on the loveseat.

"So, what have you ladies been doing?" Remus asked.

Tonks smiled slyly. "Well, we were just discussing something quite interesting. Weren't we, Mione?"

Hermione's eyes widened. Shut up, shut up, shut up, she willed Tonks with her mind. No such luck.

"You would find it quite interesting, Severus," Tonks added.

Severus quirked an eye-brow as he picked up a cup of tea. "Indeed?" he asked. "And what might this be about?"

"Nothing - " Hermione started.

"Now, don't be silly, Mione," Tonks interrupted.

"No, really," Hermione insisted. She couldn't believe Tonks was doing this. It was one thing to have theories about Severus Snape and bring them up to him in private, but if he found out that she'd been discussing them with Tonks…

"Now, Hermione, I would like to know myself," Severus stated.

Remus grinned. "Now, I'm curious, too."

"Really, it's nothing," Hermione repeated.

"Fine, be that way," Tonks said with a roll of her eyes. Then, to Hermione's horror, she turned to Severus. "Severus, your wife feels that you have Irritable Male Syndrome."

There was a silence for a second. Then, both men asked, "What?!"

"What in blazes is that?" Remus asked.

"It's a muggle theory on why Severus loses his temper so often," Tonks explained, nonchalantly.

Severus turned to Hermione, a questioning look on his face. Hermione, on the other hand, stared at the carpet, refusing to meet his gaze.

Remus raised his eye-brows.

"I hardly see the reason a theory would be needed to explain why I lose my temper easily," Severus said. He smirked a little. "I'm just like that."

"A jerk?" Hermione asked without thinking. As soon the words were out, her eyes widened and she clapped her hands over her mouth. "I'm sorry… "

Severus chuckled. "I never thought I would see the day when Hermione would apologize for pointing out the obvious," he stated.

Hermione tilted her head and looked at him, curiously. This was not the reaction that she had expected.

Remus shook his head. "I agree with Severus," he said. "This is just ridiculous. No offense to you, Hermione, but muggles always seem to be coming up with scientific reasons for poor habits that are just excuses in disguise."

"Exactly," Severus concurred and started nodding as Remus started to list them.

"I mean, how many are there now?" Remus asked. "I'm not lazy; I have chronic fatigue syndrome. I'd like to pay attention but I have attention deficit disorder. I'm not two-faced; I have Stockholm syndrome. I'm not fat; I'm pregnant."

A hush fell over the room. Remus paled at what he had just said and Severus abruptly stopped nodding. Hermione looked at Remus in horror and turned to Tonks, who… looked quite scary…

All of a sudden, Remus scrambled to his feet and ran out of the room. The three in the sitting room heard his footsteps echo down the hallway and heard the front door slam shut.

Severus and Hermione looked at Tonks, who suddenly looked calm. She got up and brushed her robes off. "I shall be leaving now," she announced. "I'll see you two tomorrow."

Hermione scrambled up to walk to the front door with her and Severus caught sight of the magazine which was still open to the page on IMS. After paragraphs of the example of a happy couple who had gone through rough patches because of IMS, it finally started on the actually syndrome: A sign of mid-life crisis, occurs mainly in middle-aged men; Symptoms include anger, sarcasm, defensiveness, blaming, withdrawal, anxiety, defiance, being argumentative, feeling unappreciated, frustration…

Severus then heard Hermione footsteps down the hallway and a second later, she entered the room. She saw him holding the magazine and instantly regretted leaving it alone with him.

"This is… interesting, for lack of a better word," Severus muttered.

Hermione looked sorry as she walked up to him. "I'm sorry, Sev, I really am," she said. "It was just an idea."

"Stop apologizing, Hermione, it's starting to make me feel a little nauseous," Severus muttered. He took her hand and pulled her down into his lap.

"You are not angry?" she asked.

Severus smirked. "No," he stated. "On the contrary, I'm amused." He looked at the magazine. "How long have you been thinking about this?"

"I just read it this afternoon," Hermione mumbled, also eyeing it with a frown.

A moment passed in silence.

"Does this bother you?" Severus asked, suddenly.

"What?"

"My temper," he stated, flatly.

"No," she replied, truthfully. "Well, it did at first. You know, back when we first met."

Severus' lips quirked a bit.

Hermione caught the expression on his face and almost rolled her eyes. "And later, it didn't. I guess I got used to your… behaviour…"

"Being a jerk, you mean?" Severus asked, a full-blown smirk on his face.

Hermione gave him a look. "Well, if you insist on calling it that," she said. "Sure, being a jerk. In any case, I guess I never really thought about it until I read this article."

"If I'm such a jerk, why did you marry me?"

Hermione stared at him, and no immediate answer came to mind. "Umm," she mumbled. "I'm not sure…"

Severus raised an eye-brow, the smirk gone.

Hermione shrunk a bit under his gaze. "Because I love you," she finally decided on saying.

Severus almost smirked again, but had the decency not to. "Then can we just forget about this?"

"What?!" Hermione asked, aghast. "No! Of course, not!"

Severus frowned. "What?"

Hermione braced herself, and choosing her words carefully, she spoke, "I know you think this is rubbish, but I think we should talk to someone."

"The Lupins were someones. We've talked to them, and the matter's settled," he replied. Severus did not know why, but there was a small knot of fear that was starting to build in his stomach.

"I mean someone professional."

"No."

"Sev, please…"

"No," Severus repeated, his voice low.

Hermione looked at him with pleading, watery eyes. She honestly looked worried.

But Severus was used to dealing with students with puppy dog eyes and whatnot, so he was relatively unaffected… Relatively…

"Right," Severus said, studying her. "Why are you so worried about it?"

"Because left untreated, IMS can break people up," Hermione replied, readily, her voice shaking a bit.

Severus raised his eyes to the ceiling and sighed in exasperation. He felt Hermione wrap her arms around his neck and lay her head against his chest. "Sev, please," she begged.

Severus looked down at her and fixed her with a serious gaze. "I've done a lot for you," he stated. "I'm not one to recite poetry to you about how I would cross an ocean and withstand fire for you, but I have faced the Unforgiveables and risked my life for you."

Hermione smiled into his chest. He had…

"Therefore," Severus continued. "You have absolutely no right to even think about our relationship crumbling, or to even suggest therapy."

Hermione sighed. "I suppose you wouldn't fare well at a group Irritated Males Anonymous meeting anyways."

"Exactly."

xXxXxXxXx

"That's it?"

"That's it."

"Nothing else?"

Severus looked at Remus with a frown. "Yes, Remus, that's what 'that's it' usually means."

They were sitting in Severus' office at the research facility, having lunch.

"And she just let it go?" Remus asked, incredulously.

Severus sighed. "Once again, Remus, that's what 'that's it' means."

"Wow," Remus muttered. "How did you convince her that you didn't have that syndrome?"

"I didn't," Severus replied. "She still thinks I have it. In order to have gotten out of therapy, I guilted her into remembering everything else I did for her."

Remus raised his eye-brows. "Like what?"

Severus stared at him. "You know," he said, not really wanting to get into details. He had a reputation to maintain – he was not romantic flower-bearing poet. "Stuff from my spy days."

Remus sat back in his chair and frowned. "You shouldn't hold that against her, Severus. I can barely think of a night when she didn't cry herself to sleep because of you."

Severus gave him a disdainful look. "I think we would both agree that she's better off alive and depressed than dead and nothing."

Remus mirrored the look Severus gave him. "Thinking of her like that doesn't bother you?"

Severus pretended to think for a second. "No," he said, flatly.

Remus looked disgusted.

Severus sighed. "It's all in the past. What's done is done. I warned her before she committed – I wasn't one to play it safe and she'd be lucky to see me alive and well for more than a day."

"You seem to remember it lightly," Remus pointed out, wryly.

"Of course."

"Which is why I'm so surprised you haven't taken advantage of the present situation," Remus stated.

Before Severus could ask him what the hell he was talking about, there was a loud knock on the door.

"Enter."

The door opened and Stephen House, from the medicals department, entered, looking a little flustered. Filius Flitwick, who had also picked up a summer job in the medical department, followed.

"Snape, Lupin, we'll need to hide out in here for a while," Stephen stated, closing and locking the door behind him.

Filius collapsed into the black couch. "Fudge is looking for us," he explained as Stephen sat down beside him. Severus was seated behind his desk and Remus was seated on the other side.

"What happened?" Remus asked, taking in the men's weary expressions.

Stephen and Filius exchanged looks. "Let's just say something went wrong with our experiments today," Stephen stated, gruffly.

Stephen House was tall and lean with short brown hair and piercing, blue eyes. He was an intelligent man, and he was very much like Severus in many ways. He was sarcastic, unmindful of how he affected others – or he just didn't care, and looked at all situations with a "How would this be of advantage to me?" approach. He was a good man, however, and was honourable. People were quite surprised when his meeting Snape didn't end in death or someplace else, equally unpleasant, but what could Stephen and Severus say? They fought very little, because of shared perspectives and Stephen agreed with Severus on many matters…

At this point, the author would like to add that both of Stephen's legs were in good condition and Stephen is not addicted to anything… I'm not that good with crossovers.

Stephen fixed Severus with amused eyes. "So…" he muttered. "You have IMS?"

"Who in the blazes - ?!" Severus turned to Remus, who looked shocked. "Remus!"

"What? I never! I only told - "

"Filius, who told me," Stephen ended.

Severus turned furiously to Filius, who shrunk back into the couch. "I never… er… thought you would find out?" Filius offered lamely.

Severus decided to ignore him and turned back to Remus. "Why did you tell him?!" he demanded.

"I was in trouble last night!" Remus explained. "I couldn't call you for help because I knew you had the IMS thing to deal with, so I called Filius!"

"Why were you in trouble?" Stephen asked.

Remus opened his mouth to reply, but no sound came out. He then dropped his gaze to the floor.

"He called his pregnant wife fat," Severus supplied and ignored the scathing look Remus sent him at that moment.

Stephen's raised an eye-brow. "I thought you were the nice one?" he asked Remus. "Not many can deal with hormonal women anyways." Without waiting for a reply, he turned to Severus. "So, are you going to therapy?"

"No," Severus replied. Stephen opened his mouth to ask another question. "No, my wife's not forcing me."

Stephen regarded him with curiosity. "That's it?"

Severus raised an eye-brow. He looked from Stephen to Remus and back again. "Yes," he replied, evenly.

"Huh," Stephen said. He leaned back into the couch and raised an eye-brow at Severus. "I would have thought you would have taken full advantage of this situation."

Severus once again looked at Remus and Stephen with a curious look upon his face.

"I'm surprised, Severus," Filius added. He grinned. "But, I always thought that you were more pleasant nowadays to people. I'm pleased that you're not going to play with your wife's feelings."

Severus stared at him, too for a moment. He turned his gaze to all three men. "What the hell are you three talking about?"

Filius and Remus glanced at each other, but Stephen didn't even blink before answering. "Well, Severus, if your wife is anything like mine, and I'm going to assume she's a lot like Ally (a/n I'm not much for subtlety) because of that whole SPEW thing, she'll go crazy when she finds out something's wrong with you and then do anything, I mean, anything, to help you overcome whatever it is."

Severus blinked, shocked. At himself, that is, for not thinking of this himself.

Stephen continued. "All you have to do is play the part of actually admitting, or pretending, that you have a problem."

Severus looked at him. "So I agree to go to therapy…"

Stephen shook his head. "Say you're going and then duck out to some bar or something. What's she going to do? Make you bring home a note from the doctor? And when you get home, she'll be so warm and fuzzy about you making an effort that she'll do anything for you."

Even as Stephen was talking, the plan was unfurling in Severus' mind and a small, evil smirk started to play across his lips. Unfortunately, Remus noticed.

"Don't!" Remus immediately spoke up. "Don't even think about it, Severus."

Filius rolled his eyes. "Severus is back," he muttered.

"You shouldn't lie to her, Severus," Remus insisted.

"It's not lying," Severus replied, lightly. "Every time we do something like this, it's called a battle of wits… Speaking of which, we haven't done that for a while."

Stephen smirked, Filius looked worried and Remus frowned. "You would take advantage of her love for you like that?" Remus demanded.

"I'm not," Severus replied, calmly. "I'm taking advantage of this nonsense named IMS. Her own fault for bringing it up."

Remus shook his head in disbelief. "Severus, this is the lowest thing ever. Nobody would do this. Stephen's just shooting his mouth; he would never." Stephen tried to interrupt, indignantly, but Remus continued. "Watch, when the moment arrives, you won't be able to bring yourself to go through with it. You're not like that. You wouldn't."

Severus smirked. "Wouldn't I? I'm a jerk."

To Be Continued…

xXxXxXxXx

A/N

Creatress: DUN DUN DUN!! Evil Sev is back!

Sev: Here, here…

Mione: Mmm…

Creatress: What's going to happen? Will Sev go through with it? Will Mione find out?

Sev & Mione: Of course, I will.

Creatress: Tune in next time! But first… REVIEW!!!