HELLO.
Okay so I might be procrastinating, just a liiiiittle bit. Or a lot. Don't judge me!
This was inspired by a tumblr post that made the suggestion that Carlos needs to narrate an episode. I had a little fun with it.
God, I'm so not good at writing like this though, this was really out of my box. I hope it turned out ok XD
Welcome to Night Vale belongs to Joseph Fink and Jeffery Cranor.
Hello, Listeners!
I suppose you all are wondering why my voice is so strange. Well, it would be if this was your usual host. However, I am not your usual host. No, your usual host is currently sitting beside me sipping his Chamomile Bloodberry tea like he's supposed to, getting over a bout of laryngitis. Oh- and now he's sticking his tongue out at me and writing on his notepad. He just says- or writes, to be scientifically accurate- that it's just a sore throat, and I am putting up far too much of a fuss. But, as a scientist, and as his boyfriend, I must say that I am worrying exactly the right amount and that if my honey-voiced-honey wants to keep his honey-voice, well, honey-like, he needs to rest and drink his tea. But I digress…
Cecil also wants me to let you all know that we will still receive your witness reports in real time, as per usual, just with some- slight delay, as sometimes I have some trouble reading his writing. But really, Ceec, can you blame me? I'm not even sure that's a word. No, it isn't. It's a foot print. Um, what kind of foot print, I have no idea. But it's- Oh. Um… Okay then, it's gone now. Okay.
Alright, let's get this show on the road, heh. Ah- Cecil's just passed me a news report. It seems that Larry Leroy, out on the edge of town, has observed a series of lights from Radon Canyon. Not the usual pattern, the pattern that matches up with the Pink Floyd's 'The Dark Side of the Moon'. No, apparently after playing several different songs forwards and backwards, and overlapped over other completely unrelated songs, Larry Leroy can definitely say that this new pattern more closely matches up with the Death Cab for Cutie song that we're not really sure is actually Death Cab for Cutie, as it shows up on iTunes as Death Cab for Cutie, but might actually be the Plain White Tees. We're also not really sure which Death Cab for Cutie or Plain White Tees song, as his message is mostly painted over with what appears to be blackberry jam and "EVERY LIFE IS A LIE" written in red where blackberry jam is not spread. Personally, I like to think it's "License and Registration". I like that one! It's very-
Oh! Oh, I see… Listeners, I've just been told by the station Intern, Edison, whom I have had to put my own personal scientific feelings aside for in order to talk to with a composed face because it so closely resembles a certain scientist that for scientific reasons of science I can't- even-! A-anyways, Edison has just told us here in the booth through a series of American Sign Language and rhythmic chants that the band of the song that closely matches up with the lights in Radon Canyon is not by Death Cab for Cutie or Plain White Tees, and is actually by Making April. Personally, Listeners, I wouldn't put too much stock in Edison's claims, as Edison also claims to be the sole inventor of Direct Electrical Current and is credited with 'lighting up the world', despite that Tesla- Ah!
Oh, I…. Cecil's just, um, he's handed me another note and elbowed me, rather hard I have to say, to remind me that City Council has forbidden the discussion of inventors other than what is municipally approved, which does not include the- ehm- TRUE father of electricity. Also to stop hassling Intern Edison. So, yeah. Sorry, Edison. I guess.
And now, traffic. A report from Sam, the new head of the Sheriff's Secret Police, just let us know that Route 800 is Crystaaaaaal Cleeeeeear! Yes, everything is perfectly translucent and shiny, and is causing some small fires to the foliage due to the lights from the sun and sky all being concentrated through the crystal of the ground and rocks and just- Poof! Sciencing everything. Ah, so you've learned something now! Well, judging by the inhuman and mildly panicked but adorable… I think 'squeak' is the most fitting word, from my favorite radio host, I think I have to remind listeners that learning is illegal, and please, forget what you've been told. Forget everything you've been told. Forget everything you've told. Forget everything. What is everything? I don't know, I've already forgotten. What was this, again? Where even are we? What even is this thing, this place in time, this aspect of reality? What even is reality?
This has been Traffic. Or has it been?
It has been. That, I know for sure, is scientifically accurate.
Oh! Alright, sweetie, I'll tell them. Cecil's just handed me a napkin with more news about the new pattern of lights over in Radon Canyon. According to a—eheh, ah, Cecil, these words are getting pretty sketchy, I don't think I can read this. Wh- ?! Are you mad with me or something? What'd I do? All I did was try and—Oh, now I see. According to an- cough, cough- 'anonymous source' that the pattern of lights in Radon Canyon actually more closely matches up with a song by the rapper, B.O.B., and- Cecil, I'm not going to go into a Steve Carlsberg rant. Cecil, I'm serious. I- Yes I know you don't like him. Yes, I know you're the one writing the news report and that it's your show. I know B.O.B. is a member of the Flat Earth society and goes against everything I've ever known and is the reason I wake in the middle of the night crying 'WHY. WHY. FOR THE LOVE OF EVERYTHING SCIENCE WHY.' But it's not Steve Carlsberg's fault. I- alright, you know what, go ahead, write away and not listen to me. Listeners, as in those that are actually listening to me right now, I take you to—
Oh… I've just been handed a bulletin by Intern Healani while Cecil and I were, ehm, discussing. It seems that when Intern Edison was sent to report on the newest pattern of lights in Radon Canyon, he was mysteriously struck by a stray bolt of lightning that which came from the lights above Radon Canyon. Which, for the record, is scientifically impossible, but what the hey. I can't argue with Irony. It is illegal, of course. Okay… um… Oh, gosh how does Cecil usually do it again?... Ah, that's right! Eh-hem… To the family of Intern Edison, I'm terribly sorry for your…. I'm sorry, I really can't say it. Really, ignoring the whole 'Edison' name thing, the guy told a scientifically inaccurate sexist joke by the water cooler, and it was really mean. Plus I stood behind him in line at the coffee shop, and he walked right past the donation jar for the Puppy Infestation Prevention Foundation. I mean really. What a real jerk.
Eh- Cecil is now looking at me with a very smug look on his face. Okaaay, I have to admit I did rant a little bit. Or a lot of a bit. And I admit, it is… frustrating to know that Steve Carlsberg listens to someone that believes the Earth is flat, despite science proving for years otherwise and my hero, Neil Degrasse Tyson, beating him down with a rap rebuttal and a-MAY-zing twitter battle. Seriously, have you seen that thread? It's SCIENTIFIC! It's practically the only reason I have a twitter at all!
Whaaat?! Cecil, I haven't shown it to you? Great Glow cloud- all hail- I need to show this to you, it's too perfect. Um, a-anyways, dear listeners, while I'm showing Cecil quite possibly the most scientific thing I have saved on my mobile, I take you to the weather!
Um- oh god how do I go to the weather? Cecil what button do I push? Oh- Okay it's—
****the weather****
Listeners… I've just gotten word, both from your usual host scribbling in a frenzy and our traumatized-looking Intern, Intern Healani, we have a press release from the Night Vale City Council. It seems that while we were doing he weather, the Night Vale City Council decided to conduct their own study on what song the new pattern of lights in Radon Canyon most closely matches up with. "It is Pink Floyd's 'The Dark Side of the Moon,' " they said, chanting in unison and holding a boom box over their heads with their many tentacles and fingers and antlers and billowing cloaks. "It has always been Pink Floyd's 'The Dark Side of the Moon'. It always will be Pink Floyd's 'The Dark Side of the Moon'. Even when it does not appear to be Pink Floyd's 'The Dark Side of the Moon,' it has always been and will always be Pink Floyd's 'The Dark Side of the Moon'. There is no other. There will never be another."
Reporters asked follow up questions, such as 'how it still matches up when the tempos of the two do not even begin to overlap' and 'what even is Pink Floyd's 'The Dark Side of the Moon' ' and 'will we ever escape Pink Floyd's 'The Dark Side of the Moon', ' but City Council simply raised their appendages to the sky, silhouetted by the lights of the canyon, "There is only Pink Floyd's 'The Dark Side of the Moon.'"
Also, on a- cough- completely unrelated note, any further discussion of the lights in Radon Canyon is now illegal and is punishable by death. Uh, that seems a little harsh, isn't it Cecil?... Ceec?... Honey?
Heh… Ehm… well, Listeners, It would appear that the events of today and the fervent typewriter typing to write the show today so that I could relay it to you today has… well, really tuckered out our usual host. He's… he's leaned up against his arm, his glasses are folded neatly on the desk. Heheh… his mouth, it's just a little bit open, and he's snoring, just loud enough to satisfy the Sheriff's Secret Police microphones, but soft enough you might not hear it unless you were listening for it. His tentacle tattoos aren't moving very much, like they do when he's awake. It almost looks like they're asleep too, twitching occasionally, extending and retracting with the rise and fall of their host's chest… the Clairvoyant third eye, choosing to manifest in the middle of his forehead is still glowing, but like it's about to fade and fall asleep as well… Listeners…. I… heh… I know Ceec can be…. Wellll, a liiiitle bit of a blabbermouth at times…. Okay, a LOT of a bit of a blabbermouth… Okay, so, I, ah, mayyyybe just a little bit think if Station Management hadn't been glowering over his shoulder he might've gone into the dirty details of our first time. Not to say this is a fault per say. Quite the opposite, actually, I think it's the sweetest thing. The level of enthusiasm, of fervor and effort, this dear, dear human-like being puts into every aspect of life…. It… baffles me, terrifies me sometimes, and yet…. I see him like this, and there's nothing else in the world, or known universe I want more. That I could ever want more. Shff, clack, mmmf, rustle…. Aww… I, ah, I just… I just planted a kiss to his temple… he smiled… and I fell even deeper in love, as if it were scientifically possible, instantly.
Well, Night Vale, it would seem we've reached the end of our broadcast today. Ah, forgive me, I'm not exactly a wordsmith like Cecil is, and I um, well, I couldn't wake him up now. So, uh, I guess… Stay tuned next for silence, silence, and static, followed by doubt, and ended by the sun. So, Listeners, from me, Carlos, and a very sleepy Cecil, we end our broadcast here.
So, good night, Night Vale.
Good Night.
Comment, Fave, Feed your ninjas, and do not approach the Dog Park.