Notes: If you are looking for a fairy tale where good triumphs, love conquers all, and evil gets its gruesome and just deserts, this is not it. Utter and complete crack. Don't kill me, please.
Oh, right. It does start with Ginny. Please don't give up on it--she doesn't get paired with Harry at all. (Though she is normal and well-adjusted.)
The Gryffindor Knight, the Queen of Slytherin, and the Seven Weasleys
Once upon a time, in a faraway land, there lived a beautiful young princess named Ginny. She was sweet and likable, and worked hard at her chores, but she was, sadly, ruled by the capricious whims of her evil 'stepmother'.
Princess Ginny's evil stepmother was only Queen by a technicality. In fact, by all other rules he ought to have been King, but the evil fairy Bellatrix had gotten into a tiff with the Queen's mother regarding Bellatrix's choice of career, leading to the fairy cursing the kingdom of Slytherin. "After King Lucius dies," Bellatrix had sworn, "no king shall sit on the throne of Slytherin, until the day it joins forces with Hufflepuff." Then she had laughed. "Actually," she had added, "Make that Gryffindor."
If Bellatrix had left the curse as Hufflepuff, there might have been a chance, as Slytherin was known for sporadically manipulating Kingdom Hufflepuff into aiding them. Gryffindor, though, was a completely different story. The kingdoms of Slytherin and Gryffindor were foes, complete with constant border skirmishes and occasional wars. Merchants from Slytherin were harassed in Gryffindor, and diplomatic processions from Gryffindor were regularly attacked by Slytherin mobs.
So, when King Lucius died in a border skirmish, and Queen Narcissa passed away from some combination of heartbreak and cholera (the doctors never had been able to give an exact ratio), their son, Draco, could only be crowned Queen.
Queen Draco was a tyrant, who tended to want things his way all the time, and enjoyed being the most attractive person in Slytherin. He was not actually Princess Ginny's stepmother, to be honest—Princess Ginny was actually from the kingdom of Gryffindor, but she had been sent as a hostage to live in Slytherin—but she figured he acted like one (both the mean part and the womanly part), so she nicknamed him "stepmama" just to piss him off. In retaliation, Queen Draco made Princess Ginny work with the servants in the castle, though that was normal for her. When she was young, she had worked in her family's castle, as the kingdom of Gryffindor had never been particularly rich.
One fine day in spring, as the birds sang and the green and silver ribbons fluttered on the castle turrets, Princess Ginny was drawing water from the well for Queen Draco's third bath of the day (she figured he was going through an obsessive-compulsive clean phase) when a handsome knight rode up to the castle on a hippogriff. The handsome knight had dark, dark hair that was tousled from riding, a gorgeous face, and a tan, toned body that was slightly visible underneath his shirt. Princess Ginny swooned a little.
"Hi," said the handsome knight. "I'm trying to get to the city of Academia. Could you point me in the right direction?" Princess Ginny frowned—this knight must be quite directionally challenged if he was trying to get to the capital of Ravenclaw kingdom from Slytherin.
"You'll have to go back to the main road," she told him, and continue way far west of here until you reach the Meeting Point, then head into Ravenclaw from there."
"Er, I see. Can I, er, ask why you have so many ribbons on the castle?"
"Oh, that's because the Queen likes them, for some reason. Says they flutter nicely."
The handsome knight was right about to thank Princess Ginny for her help, when Queen Draco emerged on his balcony and saw them.
"Weasley!" he snarled. "Stop talking to strange men and go back inside!" Princess Ginny, who was used to this, rolled her eyes and went to find Lady Pansy, who she found to be actually decent company.
"And who are you?" Queen Draco snapped at the stranger.
"Uh, I'm Harry," said the knight, rubbing his neck and smiling sheepishly. Queen Draco was really rather pretty. "I just stopped to ask directions. Please don't blame the nice girl."
Draco's eyes narrowed. "So…much…chivalry…" He gritted out, before the epiphany struck him. "You must be from Gryffindor!"
"Yes?"
"Get out!" shouted Queen Draco petulantly, "Get out, get out, get out!"
"Er. Why?"
"Because you're in Slytherin, you git!"
"You're such a prat!" Sir Harry shouted back finally. "The girl didn't do anything wrong, and I didn't do anything wrong. Maybe you should grow a brain in that shiny empty head of yours!"
Queen Draco was at a loss for words, so he simply sneered and flounced back inside. Er, walked in a dignified way back inside. Of course.
Sir Harry was rather annoyed, so he got on his hippogriff and set out for Ravenclaw.
Meanwhile, Queen Draco was in a rage. He just knew Princess Ginny was starting to be more attractive to people than he was, and that would never do. He was Queen Draco—everyone had to fall into his waiting arms at command. So, Queen Draco sent for his trusted huntsman, Blaise, and ordered him to take Princess Ginny into the woods and get rid of her for good, in exchange for a lot of gold. Huntsman Blaise liked the plan.
However, Princess Ginny figured it out (not that it wasn't obvious from the greedy glint in Huntsman Blaise's eyes, but Lady Pansy had also told her beforehand). So, while Huntsman Blaise was relieving himself, Princess Ginny sneaked into the forest and ran away. In dismay, Huntsman Blaise returned to the castle. Although Queen Draco was annoyed at not knowing the location of "that irritating Princess Ginny", he figured at least no one in Slytherin would be attracted to her instead of Queen Draco anymore, and he didn't care about people outside of Slytherin being more attracted to Princess Ginny (except maybe the pretty overly-chivalrous knight from the other day) so he let it go.
Meanwhile, Princess Ginny came to a cottage in the woods, where she stopped and rested. Soon, a group of six boys came tumbling into the house, shouting and shoving and generally being noisy. When they saw her, they grew very excited and chattered among themselves for a while before turning back to Princess Ginny. "Sister!" they said, "It's so good to see you're all right!"
"What?" said Princess Ginny.
"You are our long-lost sister," one of the boys replied. "You were taken away as a child to be a hostage in Slytherin, so we came looking for you. Together, we are the seven Weasleys: Sexy, Snobby, Scruffy, Tricky, Sneaky, Clumsy, and you, Pretty."
"You're serious?" asked Princess Ginny skeptically.
"Yup. Well, we made up the names— "
" –all by ourselves!"
"And you live in the woods?" asked Princess Ginny more skeptically.
"It's so we can also run our business."
"You have a business?" asked Princess Ginny even more skeptically.
"We have. It's a mail-order store for everything from gags to sweets to dragon eggs to books."
"Wow," said Princess Ginny. "Can I stay with you guys?"
"Do you mind doing the chores?" they asked, "We're not very good at it."
Princess Ginny looked around at the house. Her brothers were right—it was very obviously a bachelor establishment, what with the socks and chicken bones lying everywhere. But they were her brothers, so Princess Ginny agreed and settled down.
Even more meanwhile, Sir Harry received a message from King Arthur of Gryffindor, asking Sir Harry to retrieve the princess and possibly the wayward princes of Gryffindor kingdom. Rumor had it that the princes had followed the princess to Slytherin. Sir Harry sighed and turned back from his trip to Ravenclaw.
A few days later, Sir Harry had arrived back in the Slytherin capital. Sir Harry was friends with some of the Gryffindor princes, so he quickly guessed that the red-haired girl at the well last time was probably the princess. Thus it was that Sir Harry returned to Castle Malfoy and came before the Queen. He recounted his plight, but the Queen was unsympathetic, and told Sir Harry the princess was gone. Sir Harry found himself in yet another argument with Queen Malfoy. (Who, admittedly, had really nice soft-looking skin.)
After the argument, Sir Harry set off for the surrounding countryside in search of the princess.
Queen Draco found himself highly annoyed, and suddenly bothered by Princess Ginny's life elsewhere. She needed to be cursed, she did. Why did she deserve some obnoxiously handsome (Wait! He meant obnoxious and handsome! …Wait.) knight prancing about after her anyway?
So, Queen Draco came up with a Plan. He Glamoured himself to look like an old merchant lady, grabbed a basket of apples, and set off into the woods. Queen Draco tracked Princess Ginny to a little house deep in the forest, where he proceeded to convince her to try an apple.
"Why exactly are you trying to sell your wares in the middle of the woods? I mean, I don't think you even knew this place was here, and there aren't any other houses around or anything. You'll lose money," Princess Ginny told the old lady practically.
"I live nearby," said the old lady, "You just haven't seen me."
"So…apples?"
The old lady smirked. "They're delicious."
"They're not my favorite, but thanks."
"What? That can't be it! You have to have one! You have to!"
"All right, all right," Princess Ginny hastily interrupted, "If it'll get you to leave me alone after this, I'll take one of them." So Princess Ginny handed the old lady a coin and grabbed an apple. The old lady did not move and simply stared, waiting for her to eat. Princess Ginny rolled her eyes.
"All right, fine. As long as you go away once I've eaten some." So Princess Ginny took a bite, and instantly fell into unconsciousness.
Queen Draco cackled, returning to his pretty blond self (old women were one of his least favorite Glamours—oh, the things he did to be fairest of all), and picked up Princess Ginny, dragging her back to Castle Malfoy. There, he locked her in her bedroom and went on his merry way. Now no one would get to see Princess Ginny. Well, except maybe Lady Pansy, because she was Queen Draco's confidante, and she liked chatting with Princess Ginny for unknown reasons.
Sir Harry and the six Weasleys arrived at the cottage at about the same time, to find that Princess Ginny was gone. After some information exchange, Sir Harry then set off for the castle yet again, feeling rather like a post boy. "What have you done to her?" he demanded irritatedly as he shoved his way into Malfoy Castle. Queen Draco was sitting on the throne, pouting cutely. Sir Harry was not in a patient mood, so he demanded the princess be set free. Queen Draco grew angry and told him the princess was in a deep sleep, upon which Sir Harry attempted to start a fistfight. In yet another rage, Queen Draco locked Sir Harry in yet another room.
Just when all looked most dismal, Lady Pansy finally finished her embroidery (it was of a wyvern eating some Gryffindors) and got up to save the day. First, she headed to Princess Ginny's room and unlocked the door, but Princess Ginny was still unconscious from eating the enchanted apple. Sighing, Lady Pansy then headed to Sir Harry's room, where Sir Harry was working on climbing out the eighth story window, which overlooked a sheer, thorn-covered cliff and dropped into a harbor full of jagged rocks. "You're not going to get out that way," she told him. "Everyone Draco's shoved in here has tried, and there are no two ways about it. If you go out the window, you will die. Painfully."
"I can still try," replied Sir Harry mulishly.
Lady Pansy rolled her eyes. This was why she had given up on dating Queen Draco—he was just as stubborn. Well, that and the whole other bit with him putting ribbons everywhere and caring more about clothes than she did. "No, you can't. Why do you want to leave so badly?"
"Because he locked me in here! And I need to save Princess Ginny and get her and her brothers home!"
Lady Pansy snorted. "Ginny is perfectly capable of going home if she wants to, without an escort. The other six Weasleys will probably stay exactly where they are because that mail-order thing has got them living quite comfortably. And if you leave, Draco is going to torture the world forever just because he's horny and in need of a good shag."
"But it's my job to get the seven Weasleys home, and—wait, what did you just say?"
"Draco's horny?"
Sir Harry tried valiantly not to make up mental pictures of that one, and failed.
"And what does that have to do with me?"
Lady Pansy stared at him incredulously for a few seconds. "Excuse me," she said politely, "Be riiiight back." And she was gone.
Once she reached the master bedroom, she ripped open the door and shook Queen Draco out of his beauty nap. "Get up, you candy-arsed prat!" she snapped. Queen Draco tried to protest, but Lady Pansy was already dragging him up the stairs to Sir Harry's room. Then she ripped open Sir Harry's door as well and tossed Queen Draco unceremoniously inside to collide with Sir Harry so that they both toppled over onto the floor. "Sir Harry, this is Queen Draco. Queen Draco, this is Sir Harry. Now that you two have met properly, have a fantastic frolic." They stared at her. All right, so maybe she had to use simpler words. "You two. Shag. Now," she ordered, making a corresponding gesture by holding up her index fingers and mashing them together suggestively. The two men stared at her more.
"With you watching?" Queen Draco finally asked. Lady Pansy wondered why boys were such idiots all the time.
"That's the only problem you have? I'll close the door on my way out."
"Wait!" shouted Sir Harry.
"WHAT?" yelled Lady Pansy, turning around at the door, very very unhappy that they were not entertaining each other yet and were still annoying her.
"I-I won't do it unless you wake up Ginny."
Lady Pansy sighed, yet again, wondering why Sir Harry had to be so terribly Gryffindor, and took them to Princess Ginny's room next door. "I don't have to, you know, kiss her or anything, do I?" asked Sir Harry nervously. Queen Draco rolled his eyes.
"Honestly," he snarked, "Finite."
Princess Ginny opened her eyes. Upon seeing Sir Harry and Queen Draco, she squealed. "Oh, oh!" she exclaimed, "Did you two finally have steamy hot man-sex?"
Sir Harry blushed in horror (he and Princess Ginny were pretty much like siblings) and Queen Draco tried valiantly to keep an unperturbed expression on his face. Lady Pansy had no such qualms and was leaning limply against the wall, laughing so hard she could no longer stand upright. "Not quite yet, Gin," huffed out Lady Pansy. "Sir Harry here wanted to save you first."
Princess Ginny sighed. "You know, Harry, now that I'm awake, what with you ogling Queen Draco's arse, and him needing to just get laid—you two really ought to consider trying the hot steamy man-sex option." She turned to Lady Pansy. "Let's go, Pansy. We'll let the rest of the castle know to keep out of the way for a while."
And thus, they did so, leaving a mortified Sir Harry and a still-horny Queen Draco in the same room.
And then Queen Draco groped Sir Harry.
And then there was shagging.
And it was good.
Felicitously, Sir Harry of Gryffindor shagging Queen Draco of Slytherin quite fulfilled Bellatrix's conditions, and there could once again be a King of Slytherin, but everyone was so used to Draco being Queen that they kept calling him Queen Draco, and jestingly remarked that Slytherin now had a king named Harry.
As Sir Harry and Queen Draco were much too occupied with shagging, Princess Ginny invited her brothers to the castle to expand their mail-order business. The Seven Weasleys, now with Princess Ginny's business acumen, grew quite prosperous in their trade, and King Arthur gave up the idea of his children ever coming back to Gryffindor castle. Lady Pansy remained friends with Princess Ginny, and the two often shared juicy stories of things they had caught Queen Draco and Sir Harry doing ("…in the cupboard…" "…with silk ties…" "…licking noises…").
All in all?
They all lived happily ever after.