Several thousand and hundreds of years ago in Ancient China, there was an obscure era of fighting that American textbooks don't even bother mentioning. BUT, thanks to a book that wasn't all that historically accurate, the Three Kingdoms Era lives on in many types of media and this huge series of games made by just as obscure video game company that used to sell... uh...Japanese things...And it really depends on what series you are choosing. The one that is serious and is just clicking blocks of land and people or the one that is sort of serious and involves mowing down thousands of nameless Chinese soldiers. So, we're going with the second option with this story.

Ah, the Han Dynasty. The favorite dynasty of history textbooks along with the Shang and the Qing and the Mongols. And uh... I forget. Anyway, it was falling apart. I mean, really. People died. Nature throws natural disasters at China and rebellions sprung up. Men with non-working penises took over the government. Yeah, China was not exactly paradise. Later, this guy decides to rebel along with his brothers under the banner of the 'Yellow Turbans'. A lame name, if you ask me. Those guys lost and the emperor died. His son took his place and then Dong Zhuo happens. He kills these ten dudes that have non-working dicks along with their followers to then replace the current emperor with his younger brother. Blah, blah. You know what? Just skip ahead to where we get to see the good stuff.

The scene is fast-forwarded to where you see Lu Bu having Dong Zhuo impaled onto his halberd.

Here's another render of what might have happened.

It is the same scene except in the background is Diao Chan watching with widened eyes.

Dong Zhuo became an asshole and Lu Bu killed him. Later, Lu Bu had to run away like a bitch and eventually crashed onto some loser's castle and kept it for himself. And that is where this story really starts.

Cao Cao sits on his horse with Liu Bei next to him. They both look at a castle from far away that was waving black flags.

"So... You let this big hunk of human mass named Lu Bu into your castle?" asks Cao Cao.

"Yes."

"And you two were not even on good terms to begin with?"

"Yes."

"And you knew he had murdered many people before?"

"Yes."

"And you left the castle alone WITH the big hunk of human mass named Lu Bu still inside?"

"Yes."

"Along with your alcoholic non-brother to guard the place with him?"

"Yes."

"And you never saw this coming?"

"Yes-I mean-No!"

"If you said 'yes' to everything, then you're a goddamned idiot."

"I said 'no' for the last question."

"Right... Anyway, I'm helping you out because I have nothing else better to do. You owe me now."

"But... you said I didn't have to pay for this!."

"Right, because money has no value to me. But you still owe me something for helping you out of a problem that was all your fault."

"You can have a special custom-made pair of shoes for free. Made by yours truly."

"No."

"Uh... That's all I have."

"I'll take your six foot tall statue of your heavily sun-burnt brother."

"But... That is my brother."

"Exactly."

"No way! He is my brother and I cannot trade him away!"

"You do realize you two along with the drunk just stood in the middle of a garden and declared yourself siblings? I mean, it's not even on paper. What you did is completely not legal, thus you three are not siblings. Just three dudes who just think they are siblings."

"Lalalalala! I can't hear you! Lalala! You were adopted! Lalalala!"

"That's right. I am. But I don't go around making random strangers my brothers. I have cousins. Those are better than brothers."

"How dare you! Cousins are half of your blood while brothers have a hundred percent of it!"

"But your 'brothers' have zero percent of your blood."

"Ggh! I-! Let's just go get my castle back!" Liu Bei races off on his horse towards the castle. Cao Cao remains there and watches arrows rain upon one tiny spot near the castle. Liu Bei is seen racing back to Cao Cao covered in arrows.

"Maybe wait until we get the army ready... We can't just take them on our own. We need NPC's to do the work for us. Yeah... That's right..."

"Mmhm."

Xiahou Dun is sitting at a table when Xiahou Yuan stumbles up to him while swatting bits of vomit off his clothes.

"Damn that stubby alcoholic!"

"Don't let him get to you, his brain cell count is five and you can't argue with someone that stupid."

"He can barely talk in his state."

"But he's not important. Now, that giant with the heavily sun-burnt skin is." He points to Guan Yu staring off looking like a statue.

"How do you know?"

"I can just feel the main character aura from him. You can just know he will be important later on."

"Huh. Say, how about a contest to see if we can get an arrow to slice off the giant's beard?"

"You're on."

"Xiahou Dun! Xiahou Yuan! Hurry up! We're going to storm the castle now!" called out Cao Cao from the camp gates.

"Aw, man. Oh well, I guess we can shoot off one of Lu Bu's antennas."

"How about his whole head? I heard Lu Bu could stay alive without his head."

"That's for a cockroach."

"Yeah. He is one, right?"

"No, that's just what he wears on his head. Come on."

The three cuts through the army with ease thanks to their over-powered attacks. Interrupting them was a speech log with Liu Bei's face looking sad.

"This does not look good..."

Liu Bei is in trouble! Assist at once!

"Wait a minute! HE'S the commander here?! Why aren't I the commander?!" exclaimed Cao Cao. "I paid for the armor and weapons! I paid for the horses! I paid his hotel fee and drunk brother's room service! Why aren't I the army commander here?!"

"Maybe it's because it's HIS castle we're fighting for here." says Xiahou Dun.

"Phht, it was his fault for letting the giant man known for betraying and killing his masters into his castle."

"Look, we're at the castle gate already." pointed out Xiahou Yuan.

"Huh. Wow. Is this army really that weak?"

"No, we're playing on Beginner Mode."

"WHY?!"

"Huh? Don't you want an easier time to get here?"

"Then pick Normal like any sane person would! Beginner mode is for anyone too stupid to play this game! Or you're a toddler. But I think a toddler can handle Normal mode."

"Too bad, I can't change it now."

Cao Cao groans and walks up to the large gate and knocks on it. A voice is heard from behind the door.

"Who's there?"

"Your mother."

"Ooh! You came to visit me!" The gate opens to let Cao Cao and his two cousins in.

"That was strangely easy..." commented Xiahou Yuan.

"Everyone knows that if your mother came out onto the battlefield to visit you, you HAVE to let her in."

"But what if she were a spy-"

"NO EXCEPTIONS."

"Hey! You're not my mummy!" Cao Cao turns to see a fuming Chen Gong.

"Oh, hello. Long time, no see."

"That is low! Pretending to be someone's mother! Oh well, I can just kill you with these soldiers!" Chen Gong takes out his giant scroll and summons glowing blue soldiers.

"Oh. My. God. You are a Satanist!"

"What? No, I'm conjuring up some soldiers to beat your ass."

"So, you can see dead people?! Conjure up my mother whom I never I knew!"

"I can't see dead people! And no about conjuring your mother!"

"Then who are those soldiers that you summoned?"

"They... are..." Chen Gong freezes and looks at the summoned soldiers and sees that they had hollow black eyes that were starting to bleed. "Those aren't my normal soldiers..." He shudders and his teeth start clattering. "...I-I-If those d-d-didn't come out of m-m-my sss-c-croll...AAAAAAAAGGGH!" He screams hysterically and runs off flailing his arms.

"Wait! Take us with you! AAAAGHHHHH!" Cao Cao runs away from the ghost soldiers screaming, leaving Xiahou Dun and Xiahou Yuan to shrug and chase after him.

The three find themselves inside the castle and see that the ghost soldiers were following them.

"Quickly! Into this room!" Cao Cao enters a random room while Xiahou Dun and Xiahou Yuan go into different rooms themselves. The ghost soldiers all stop to look around confusingly and decide to all go into one single room. Cao Cao runs out of a room and into another while the two from earlier swap rooms unintentionally. The ghost soldiers all come out from different rooms. Cao Cao runs into a soldier and runs back into the room he came from. The soldier loudly groans and follows Cao Cao into that room.

One room's door abruptly opens to have Cao Cao carrying Xiahou Dun, Xiahou Yuan, and one ghost soldier. They see it and yell out in fear to then split apart and enter into different rooms again. Another door opens again with Chen Gong running away from a group of ghost soldiers, still yelling and screaming.

Cao Cao goes into a room and shuts the door forcefully. He lowers himself towards the ground panting.

"I hope those two are alright..." He looks up and sees a young woman with silver hair looking at him with fear in her eyes.

"Uh... Hello...?"

"There's a man that I don't know in my room..." She mutters.

"Where?" He notices her eyes narrowing to glow red as she stood there shaking. She also holds up a giant weapon consisting of what seems like four halberds fused together.

"Oh... No..." A bright light engulfs everything including Cao Cao.

Liu Bei stands there while one enemy soldier pokes him repeatedly with his spear.

"Is nobody going to help...? Hello...?" His health barely depleted from the constant light stabbing.

"I'mma... *belch*... Beat you until... you can't feel... *belch*... anything...!" Zhang Fei wobbles near Liu Bei and knocks soldiers over with one his heavy self. He then knocks the one soldier attacking Liu Bei before falling over onto the ground. A loud puking sound is heard.

"Ew..."

"Mm... Yes... Yes... Little girls..."

"Eww..."

"Mm... Lindsey Lohan..."

"EWWW!" Liu Bei walks off disgusted and finds Guan Yu standing in the middle of the field with soldiers ignoring him. He approaches him and lightly taps him.

"Hello...? Aren't you going to attack-"

"Ssh! The beard's incognito."

"You're just standing here like a statue!"

"Exactly. It's the best plan. Now let the beard be incognito or it will destroy you."

"No, get going!" He pushes Guan Yu, but he barely could make him budge. He strains loudly and ends up giving up. "Fine! Be that way! I can do this by myself!"

He turns to face the castle, but a giant beam of light shoots up into the sky. It was coming from the center of the castle where the beam eventually spreads to the outer walls. The light disappears as a charred black Cao Cao falls down and catches himself onto Guan Yu.

"You saved me. Now your debt has been paid. I don't have to go save your castle now." Liu Bei complains,"What?! No! This doesn't count!"

"Everyone gets one from me."

"Come on! Please! I'll do anything! Just no sucking dicks."

"You already do suck dick. In both meanings."

"Hey!"

"Anyway, I should get going." Cao Cao hops off of Guan Yu, who was still standing still, and whistles for his horse to come to him. Xiahou Dun and Xiahou Yuan are rushing towards Cao Cao carrying captured ghost soldiers.

"We got these guys while that giant beam of light took up everything!"

"It turns out they're not ghosts at all!" They set the soldiers onto the ground near Cao Cao.

"Now let's see who you really are!" Xiahou Dun reaches down to grab at one soldier's head and rips if off to reveal it was Zhang Liao. Xiahou Yuan rips off the other soldier's heads to reveal generic soldiers.

"Well, well. If it isn't Zhang Liao! It was you who was behind this stunt!"

"And I would have gotten away with it if it weren't you meddling kids!" angrily says Zhang Liao.

"Ah, save it for the execution block!"

Meanwhile, back inside the castle is Lu Bu angrily scolding Chen Gong.

"That plan f*EFF!*ing sucked! Thanks to you, Zhang Liao has been captured along with some other unimportant generals!"

"Looks on the bright side, they're out of the castle thanks to that giant beam."

"There's a giant hole in the west wing thanks to that beam!"

"That was your daughter's fault. She saw a pest and overreacted."

"Gagh! Now what? We're holed up in this place and have no where else to go!"

"There's Yuan Shu."

"He's useless!"

"Diao Chan? Gao Shun? Your little girl? I dunno. I gave up on life. That's why I have 2000 plus hours on my World of Warcraft account."

"Oh well, let's see what happens. Send them out."

"Annnnnd they're defeated."

"Already?!"

"Sorry sir, Xiahou Dun is level fifty while those two are just level twenty-one. He also has a five star weapon."

"Are you joking?! Grragh!"

"They are also playing on Beginner Mode."

"WHO THE F*EFF!* PLAYS ON BEGINNER MODE?!"

"I know, right?"

"I'm going out."

"No sir! You'll be defeated!"

"Are you kidding? I am a hard foe to beat even on Beginner Mode! I'll show 'em!"

"Um... No, you're not..."

Five seconds later...

Lu Bu has been defeated by Xiahou Dun!

Chen Gong stares at the battle log entry with a disappointed expression.

"F*bleep* it. Well, I'm all alone..." He holds up a DVD case. "I can just go watch Pokemon with just the parts with Team Rocket. I just love that little talking cat."

One hour later...

Cao Cao along with Xiahou Dun and Xiahou Yuan knock down a door to see Chen Gong laughing at a television screen.

"Hahahaha! Oh, Meowth... Too bad in the games, you're a crappy Pokemon."

"What kind of a grown man watches Pokemon?!" exclaims Cao Cao. Chen Gong jumps and sees the three standing at the door. He uses his scroll to jam it into his television's screen, breaking it.

"W-What? No! I was just watching... Um... Doraemon! Yes, Doraemon!"

"That's even worse! And who the hell watches that anymore?!"

"Hey! Don't you diss Doraemon! Doraemon works very hard! He has merchandise all the up to instant noodles and chalky vitamins!"

"It's just a talking blue cat."

"A talking ROBOT blue cat!

"You might as well just relinquish your man card by watching that kid's show."

"...I was watching Pokemon." He says quickly.

"There it is! Hahaha! Think you could lie to me, eh? Oh well, let's get you ready for execution."

"Wait, what?" He gets dragged out of the room by soldiers.

Cao Cao stands in front of Lu Bu, Zhang Liao, Chen Gong, Lu Lingqi, and Diao Chan. They were all bound by rope. Liu Bei is standing with him along with Guan Yu, Xiahou Dun, and Xiahou Yuan.

"I am blown away with how easy it was to defeat you. Just... Wow." Lu Bu angrily yells at him,"You were playing on Beginner Mode, you noob!"

"I didn't choose it! Yuan did!"

"Excuses, excuses. Say, how about I teach you how to play the Normal way if you release us?"

"How about... NO? There had been people you had offered that and they got the Expert lessons. They died."

"Hmph. They were noobs anyway."

"Take him away." Lu Bu is dragged off by guards.

"I will be back! Count on it!"

"Hahaha... He's not coming back..." Liu Bei asks,"What about the other four there?"

"Well..." Cao Cao goes over to Zhang Liao. "Do you want to end up like that guy?"

"No."

"Would you work for me?"

"Maybe."

"We have free healthcare and all of the meatbuns you could eat. Unless there's a famine."

"Deal." Cao Cao turns to Chen Gong. "What do you say? We can go back to the good old times."

"What good old times?"

"..." Cao Cao turns around to a guard and shakes his head while motioning his finger across his neck. Guards drag Chen Gong away and he angrily yells at Cao Cao,"See?! This is why I left you in the first place!"

"I'll take care of your mother!"

"Oh, you bastard!"

"What? I am really going to take care of her. What else was I going to do to his mother?" Liu Bei suggests,"Maybe he thought you were to take her into your personal harem?"

"Ugh! No! That's disgusting! That's someone's mom there!" He stands there with Liu Bei giving him a dissatisfied look. "Okay, maaaaaybe I would do that. But that's if her woman plumbing still works. I'd hate to kill a woman just by sticking my dick in her." He continues to get looks from everyone else and he says nervously,"L-Let's just move on to the other soldiers."

"What's left are two women."

"Women?" Cao Cao looks over to Lu Lingqi and Diao Chan sitting on the ground bound by rope. They look back with blank stares.

"Those are women?"

"Yes. What else did you think they were?"

"I don't know... Very very pretty male prostitutes?"

"Why would male prostitutes be in Lu Bu's army?"

"You never know, okay?! This game is such a HUGE sausage fest, that I forget what a women actually looks like!"

"Huh, you're right." Cao Cao walks over to the two girls and loudly asks them,"Excuse me! Do you have vaginas?!" His yelling almost knocked the two down. Diao Chan answers him in an annoyed tone,"YES! We both are female! What other proof do you need?!"

"Can you make babies?"

"...W-What? Well, I never had any children. But, I'm also not a virgin."

"And I barely had my first period. I destroyed my hometown that day." says Lu Lingqi.

"I see... Can I fondle your chest to see if you two have boobs?"

"NO!" The two angrily yelled in unison.

"Then you two's claims about being girls are invalid!" Liu Bei says to him,"You know, these might be the last time you may ever get to see unique modeled women. I mean, have you SEEN the towns around here? The women all look the same! It's like they all multiplied by just splitting themselves up into more women!"

"So you're saying to add these ladies to my personal harem?"

"No! One of them's not even legal!"

"It's the second century. This is perfectly normal. Just don't stick your dick in them until they get older."

"What I'm saying is to save them from being captured by bandits or being raped in a Japanese hentai fanart."

"Oh, alright. I'll just arrange a nice house for these two and-Where did they go?" Cao Cao turns around to see rope scattered on the ground and that two figures were already running off into the horizon.

"Ahahahaha... I can't believe it..."

"Yes, they refused a nice home that will be paid for entirely by you..." comments Liu Bei.

"They were lesbians! They 'Thelma and Louise-ed' into the sunset! That. Is. HAWT. Too bad they will die once they hit the sun."

"...Well, it was good to work with you. I should get going. I have my castle back and you just missed an opportunity to save two vulnerable women from rape hentai."

"My work here is done. Xiahou Dun, Xiahou Yuan. Let's go." Cao Cao goes with the two to get their horses when Zhang Fei stumbles near them holding a bow with an arrow ready.

"Loooook at me! I'mma Xiahou Yua-Blllllarrrrgh!" He vomits and releases his arrow into the air. The arrow flies into Xiahou Dun's left eye with an audible squish. He stands there for a moment and blood trickles down his face.

"...AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!" He takes the arrow and pulls it hard out of his eye socket. The eye remains pierced by the arrow. Cao Cao and everyone nearby all groan in disgust.

"Oh god! That looks painful!"

"I just ripped my own eye out of my head! Of course it f*bleep*ing hurts!" He holds the arrow up to the sky and announces,"Essence of my father, blood of mother, I cannot throw this away!" He then takes the arrow and puts it in his mouth to eat the eyeball. Tossing the arrow away, he stands up tall while chewing the eyeball. But, this doesn't last long as he begins to kneel down and pukes loudly while spitting out bits of his own eye.

"Oh god...Blarrrrrrrgh! Ugggh... It tastes so bad...! Huuuuh..."

"What was that about you cannot wasting an already-damaged eyeball? What's next? When your leg gets chopped off, are you going to eat that? I doubt your parents would want you to eat yourself or any of your body parts anyway." comments Cao Cao with slight sass.

"Ohhh... I didn't think that through...Koff koff...AAAAARRRGH!" He clutches his eyeless socket while wincing in pain.

"You need to get that checked."

"OH SHUT UP! AGGGHHH! It hurts again!"

[I am not so sure about this chapter. Maybe later ones will be more funnier.]

"Hey, Dun. Have you noticed something weird about us?"

"What? And look, I have a badass eyepatch now."

"Yes, that is nice. But, there is something that's been bugging me. Aren't we Chinese?"

"Why yes, Yuan. We are." Xiahou Dun says in a mocking tone. "We live in China, thus making us Chinese. What about it?"

"Then why are we speaking English?"

"But we live in China. Of course we speak English."

"What? No, we're supposed to be speaking-"

"Sssssssshhhhhh."

"But-"

"Shhhhh."

"It's-"

"Shush."

"But it's-"

"Shut the f*bleep* up." He says in a scarily calm voice.