Edit: AN 2.0: So I reread this and decided not rewrite this but edit the chapter some more to get rid of a shitton of mistakes and awkwardness in the writing style, im also planning to fix up the other two chapters as well while i finish up the 4th chapter, which has taken entirely too long at this point but is almost done rest assured, also at some later date when i havent neglected to update for several months i will entirely rewrite the first three chapters because at this point my writing has improved and rereading this chapter that was written not even a year ago filled me with embarrassment and shame but that will have to wait, that being said, enjoy
-Dave
Your name is Dave Strider and a splash of icy cold water to the face has
just roused you from your sleep.
"T-the fuck!" you splutter jumping up in your bed, shivering in the crisp morning air. Fumbling to grab your blanket, you bind it around yourself to try and recover some semblance of warmth. Feeling a little warmer you look around to try and figure out who the hell woke come from your bedside and you turn only to find Latula standing there holding an empty bucket.
"Morn1n' Str1d3z," that grin of hers does nothing for you. But she seems unaffected by your unamused stare "J4n3 thought w3'd g1v3 you two 4n 3sp3c14lly r4d w4k3 up c4ll," she tugs down her rad shades to wink at you just as the meaning of her words dawn on you. "You two"? Shit, that can only mean-
A screeching curse sounds into the morning air. Karkat is awake. His growl echoes through the room, or it would, if your room could make anything echo. He turns on the villain who woke him at such a ridiculous hour. Finding the villain to be none other than Princess Jane Egbert only seems to increase his mounting hostility.
"WHAT THE BULGEMUNCHING SHIT JANE? DO I LOOK LIKE A FUCKING COCKBEAST THAT HAS TO BE UP BEFORE THE SUN EVEN RISES-"
"Karkat the sun is already up-"
"Y34h kv 1t r34lly 41n't th-"
"DON'T INTERRUPT ME, GODDAMMIT! I AM FUCKING YELLING AT YOU! YOU WOKE US UP AT FUCKING ASSCRACK O'CLOCK ON THE FIRST FUCKING DAY WE DON'T HAVE TO ANYMORE! AND WITH BUCKETS NO LESS!" the offending receptacle is in his hand in seconds, he does not hesitate to chuck it out the window.
"Yeah Jane that's hella inappropriate, we're still underage I'll have you know. You've just scarred poor Karkat for life," you get up and walk to Karkat's bedside, wrapping your arms around the growling troll "I don't think he'll ever be able to get it on with a troll honey after this, too traumatized by visions of you dousing him with icy water to even be able to stand the sight of a bucket. I hope you're happy," finally Karkat gets fed up and shoves you off him. He pushes you hard enough to make you stumble but you shrug it off like it didn't happen of course, you, stumbling? Hell nah that ain't a thing that can happen, you're too cool for that shit
"FUCK OFF STRIDER, I'LL BE ABLE TO 'GET IT ON WITH A TROLL HONEY' JUST FINE SHUT THE HELL UP!"
"Sorry man, just wanted to stick up for you cause we're best pail pals or whatever the fuck. Just chillin' out and pappin' each other's asses when shit gets too intense and whatnot coolin' each other off when it's too hot to handle dumpin' cold water on each other not unlike how you two ladies just did but cooler cause we're just so ch-"
"OH MY GOD YOU ARE THE ACTUAL WORST MOIRAIL IN THE HISTORY OF CREATION! I CAN'T BELIEVE I HAD TO SINK SO LOW…" he goes on, standing up now but you tune him out. He'll tire himself out soon enough and now he's not screaming at the girls anymore so that's good. You look at Latula and she gives you a thumbs up. She approves of the relationship the two of you have and has even given you advice quite a few times about how to be a better moirail. You owe her a lot, you knew almost nothing about moirallegiance before you started yours with Karkat and you'd been far too embarrassed to ask Karkat himself about it, Latula was a life saver.
Karkat is still ranting about how you're a horrible moirail, now shirtless as he'd thrown off his soaked shirt near the beginning of the rant but again you haven't been listening (not because his chest looks really nice that thought is ridiculous you haven't been listening because it's the same grumpy bs he always says).
The girls have been listening though and they look like they're about to burst into laughter. And they do, Latula's laugh an enthusiastic chortle, loud with amusement while Jane's is more a joyful series of hiccups accompanied by the occasional snort. If you were a less cool guy you would be smiling even if you are still wet. Jane's laugh is just that cute, but cute laughs seem to be a family trait of the Egbert family.
"BOTH OF YOU ZIP IT! I'M STILL FUCKING MAD AT THE TWO OF YOU. WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE WAKING US SO FUCKING EARLY?"
"Well we are the heiress and her loyal knight bodyguard of course! You know this Karkat! What a silly question! I would expect a soon to be knight of the second heir to be more serious" she gets out between giggles, wagging her finger at him. He looks about ready to bite it off, teeth grinding together in annoyance
"And you should have expected this! It is my birthday and John's, and you know as well as I that it is the time for pranks! It might as well be April fool's again!"
"Y34h m4n, d1d y4 r34lly not 3xp3ct on3 of th3 roy4l pr4nk1n' s1bs not to pull som3 4w3som3 pr4nk l1k3 th1s? 4nd m4y 1 s4y sh4k3 n' b4k3" she grins at Jane "th1s pr4nk 1s 4ll k1ndz of r4d!" she brings up her hand offering a high five.
A smile spreads on Jane's face as she gives Latula the high five, rubbing her hand afterwards at the force the radical knight used. But you aren't paying attention to that, too busy recalling the last April fool's day. You shudder at the memory. All that cake… The feeling of impending doom when you turned a corner only to see yet another prank trap. Man, the Egberts completely outdid themselves this year. You hope there isn't a repeat of that horror today. Karkat seems to share this opinion as well because he shudders, and you're fucking sure it isn't due to the cold,
"NO THIS PRANK WAS NOT '4LL K1NDS OF R4D' IN FACT IT WAS NO KINDS OF RAD, WHICH IS TO SAY NOT RAD IN THE LEAST. AND AS FOR APRIL FOOL'S DAY, DON'T REMIND ME, IT'S BAD ENOUGH YOUR WRIGGLINGDAY AND THAT WRETCHED HOLIDAY ARE ONLY TWELVE DAYS APART. I STILL HAVE FLASHBACKS ABOUT ALL THE CAKES THAT MET MY FACE. THE CAKES JANE, THEY'RE IN MY NIGHTMARES."
"Yeah Jane, those cakes are keeping us up at night. End up getting woken up by the other's screams about cake. Can't sleep, why do you think shouty has those shadows under his eyes? Cake, that's why, cakes invading his consciousness like an army of marauding musclebeasts. Stampeding all over the place with their massive fuck sticks just out in the open like that," finally your skin is starting to feel a close to dry, but your clothes just aren't getting there and that morning breeze is being a bit of a bitch. Mostly it's just your shirt that's wet, the water not really reaching your pants and you consider taking it off like your roommate did but can't bring yourself to do it while there are ladies in the room. It's like the only thing that you're more modest about than him, but then trolls are known for generally not giving a shit about people of other genders seeing their naked bods. Jane should consider herself lucky the troll hadn't felt the need to discard his pants as well, Latula wouldn't give a shit though, you know from experience.
"They scarred the survivors in Karkat's consciousness for life. All they can ever see is massive horse dong on the back of their eyelids. Too scared to even ride horses over to the next town for help. They just starve because of their lack of resources and the musclebeasts still won't leave." You leave your metaphor there, unsure exactly where you were taking it anyway. Jane picks up the conversation before the silence has a chance to extend into awkwardness.
"Hoo hoo, indeed, the two of you never do well with your own prankster's gambits on that day, or any other for that matter. But I didn't come here today just to wake the two of you and tilt the prankster's gambit in my favor. Though that was a nice bonus!" she turns to face you "Dave, I would like to ask for your assistance in delivering a little 'Birthday surprise' to my darling little brother."
She flashes you a wily grin that makes you remember why your heart used to flip its shit at the mere sight of her when you were little diaper baby. Embarrassing days when you would pick her bouquets of shitty little wild flowers to try and make her smile. Before you realized that she pretty much saw you in the same way she saw John. You'd already moved on since then though, so it didn't matter. Of course you'd moved on to her brother who was completely straight and probably would never look at you that way either... Yeah that's gonna end well...
Latula nudges your side and you realize that you have been staring at Jane's smile for a little too long. If you don't say something soon the silence will get all kinds of awkward.
"Oh really?" you ask pausing for a second to give yourself a little time to think, "You need my help? Not surprising, all the ladies seem to need me for something or other. Pretty sure they're just excuses to get some prime alone time with a bearer of the legendary Strider cool. But I'm not one to deny the ladies what they so desperately desire," you can feel Karkat roll his eyes from the other side of the room.
"WHY CAN'T LATULA DO IT?"
"M4n, my sp33d just 1sn't r4d 3nough for th1s, 4s much 4s 1t p41ns m3 to 4dm1t," the older knight quips as she leans on the wall. Jane continues
"This plan that is sure to heighten my prankster's gambit more than the normal plan would. Would you be so kind as to come to the kitchen to receive instruction?"
"Sure thing my dear princess," you bow and she grins at your gallantry. "I'll help you deliver John's 'Birthday Surprise'. Or whatever the fuck, just let me get dressed real quick and we can get this shit started."
She nods and goes to open the door
"I will await your presence at the castle kitchen my noble knight."
Latula coughs and Jane has the decency to look abashed at calling another her knight but is assured it isn't a big deal.
Man, they are so pale. You don't know if they're officially moirails and you aren't nosy enough to try and find out but you know moirallegiance when you see it (mostly because of Karkat's stupid troll romance novels). Karkat gives you a sideways glance that you know means 'THESE IDIOTS NEED TO GET THEIR ROMANCE ON ALREADY' so you figure they aren't official moirails, but you don't really care.
Having been reassured Jane opens the door to leave the room. She looks at Latula but the girl just shakes her head,
"You go 4h34d cook13c4k3, 1'm gonn4 h4v3 4 word w1th th3s3 noobz r34l qu1ck," Jane nods laughing and departs saying that she'll be on the way to the kitchen again.
Once the door closes the older troll turns to the two of you and crosses her arms. She regards you with a calm expression you haven't seen on her often.
"Look, tod4y 1s 4 b1g d4y for th3 two of you. You w1ll b3 kn1ght3d and d3cl4r3d John's off1c14l p3rson4l gu4rds, 4nd honor3d kn1ghts of th3 k1ngdom," this you know, you have only been preparing for this day for years, but you don't comment on it as she seems particularly serious right now, speaking with her own experience as Jane's knight. Karkat seems to be thinking the same as he doesn't respond sarcastically to the obvious remark.
"1 know you guys th1nk th1s 1s gonn4 b3 4 p13c3 of c4k3. Th4t 4ft3r th1s b1g c3r3mony 3v3ryth1ng's gonn4 go b4ck to b31ng bus1n3ss 4s usu4l, 1 thought th3 s4m3 th1ng. W3ll th4t's not go1ng to b3 how th1s go3s down 4t 4ll," she sighs and rubs one of her arms before continuing "1t 1sn't go1ng to b3 4ll b4ckfl1ps 4nd h1gh f1ves. Th1s 1s wh3n sh1t g3ts r34l. John 1s go1ng to b3 d3cl4r3d 4n off1c14l cont3nd3r for th3 thron3 4nd th4t m34ns p3opl3 4r3 go1ng to b3 try1ng to k1ll h1m," the sudden sharpness of her tone almost makes you flinch, you can see it affects Karkat in much the same way "th3 two of you h4v3 to m4k3 sur3 th4t do3sn't h4pp3n. You'r3 gonn4 h4v3 to st1ck by h1s s1d3 4ll th3 t1m3 4nd 1t's gonn4 gr4t3 on your n3rv3s. Th3 thr33 of you w1ll g3t 1nto f1ghts, you'll s4y th1ngs th4t you'll n3v3r b3 4bl3 to t4k3 b4ck… 1t's go1ng to b3 h4rd 4nd 1t's go1ng to m4k3 4ll of you f33l l1k3 sh1t," throughout the entirety of this monologue her voice has been getting harsher and colder. This is the voice she used when she was chastising you and Karkat for your combat stances during your training, the strict tone of a taskmaster, "Th1s job 41n't 4s r4d 4s 1 m4k3 1t s33m. Do not t4k3 1t l1ghtly," the force of her stare makes you feel smaller than you already are, and considering your small stature that's practically miniscule.
After a few minutes of tension she lets out a sigh and seems to droop as the aura of authority she had been exuding evaporates "1'm go1ng to go c4tch up w1th J4n3," she leaves the room satisfied after saying her piece. This leaves the two of you frozen considering her words until Karkat regains the will to speak.
"...DO YOU REALLY THINK THAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN TO US?" He's sitting on the edge of his bed now, back hunched and you note his skin is still cold as you take a seat next to him.
"Nah, there's no way. I mean sure that may have happened to her and Jane but you and me and John, Karkat we're bros, and bros are closer than that. The three of us are gonna stay as close as cupcakes man, or three ants in a line. Walking behind each other in unison and all that shit," you smile at him in a way you hope is reassuring, but most likely isn't. But he seems to appreciate the effort and smiles at you for a second before coughing and getting to his feet
"SHOULDN'T YOU BE GETTING DRESSED TO GO JOIN JANE?"
You'd almost forgotten, fuck
"Shit man you're right, gotta hurry up and meet her," you're off the bed and at your wardrobe shirking off your shirt in seconds. Behind you Karkat chuckles at your hurry stepping over to his own wardrobe. The two of you change in silence at first but it isn't long before Karkat breaks it.
"I BET JANE NEEDING YOUR HELP TICKLES YOU PINK DOWN TO YOUR SOFT LITTLE HUMAN TOES. YOU MUST BE COMPLETELY GIDDY THAT 'BOOTIFUL' PRINCESS JANE NEEDS YOUR HELP FOR SOMETHING," he imitates your speak as a child, smirking like the little shit he is. Your face could not get much redder. Oh god, you used to draw pictures of the two of you together, even going so far as to draw the two of you on your wedding day. To make it even worse you're pretty sure your showed Karkat, how embarrassing is that? Thank god he can't see your face. You give yourself a second to try and calm down your stupid face pulling on a pair of pants.
"You know as well as I do that I got over that silly crush a long time ago."
As you look for a shirt to put on you feel Karkat's eyes on your back but you ignore it, too busy finding a shirt. The shirt you find isn't exactly clean but it doesn't reek so you put it on. Karkat seems to take that as his cue to reply.
"OH THAT'S RIGHT, NOW YOU'RE DROOLING OVER JOHN AREN'T YOU?" It isn't a question. You opt to find your boots before answering.
"Big words from a guy in the same boat. You and me we're just chilling in the people who like John boat. Rocking on the waves like it's a fucking cradle-" he cuts you off just as you finish putting on the first of your boots.
"STRIDER ANYTHING YOU HAVE EVER HAD TO SAY ABOUT ROMANCE IS COMPLETE AND UTTER MUSCLEBEAST SHIT AND WE BOTH KNOW IT. SO WHY DON'T YOU HURRY UP AND GO HELP THAT NIGHTMARE OF A PRINCESS. SO THAT, JUST MAYBE, I CAN AVOID THE LOSS OF BRAIN CELLS CAUSED BY LISTENING TO YOUR DRIVEL FOR EXTENDED PERIODS OF TIME."
"Sure thing Karkitten, lemme just finish up here," the wink you throw makes him steam. Something you greatly enjoy, he always makes the best angry faces. Having pissed him off, you finish putting on your boots in silence.
As you stand eight knocks sound from the balcony door. By the sudden wideness of Karkat's eyes it is obvious he's surprised, but you aren't worried, it's kinda funny to be honest.
"Looks like you've got company," you wink at him and he scowls just like you'd expected him to.
"Man we sure are popular with the ladies today, any more come our way we might have to start beating them off with sticks. Well, I'm gonna go meet Jane, have fun with your lady friend." You leave shutting the door behind you, jogging down the hallway to get to the kitchen.
-Karkat
Your name is Karkat Vantas and there is no way you were just watching Dave's ass as he left. Nope, definitely no possibility of that having been a thing that happened. He's your goddamn moirail, kind of, you sick fucks there's no way you would ever think of him in such a red way.
You stop thinking of things that definitely didn't happen. Another set of eight knocks sounds from your balcony door and you sigh. What could she want? She must know today is the birthday of the heirs, doesn't she realize you're kind of fucking busy? (To be honest you're only busy fending off prank attacks for the most part, but you're still fucking busy.)
A third set of knocks rings out, louder than before, and you sigh, getting up and heading to open the door. You open the door to the balcony. In comes a tiny shivering cerulean blood, rubbing her hands together and grumbling under her breath.
"Finally! Did you reeeeeeeeally have to keep me w8ing so long?" she whines as she steps past you, taking a seat on your bed rubbing her arms through her threadbare sleeves. You look down at her, glaring at her for her presumption, but then, it was nothing new. You close the door to the balcony with enough force to make a slam resound through the room.
"WELL YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE COME SO FUCKING EARLY THEN! YOU'RE LUCKY I WAS EVEN AWAKE!" even as you growl out the words out you spot on the corner of your bed a coat you'd flung there at the end of winter and hadn't moved since. You offer it to her and she snatches it from your hand. Trilling in satisfaction as she burrows into the fabric making her look even smaller than she already is.
"Oh pleeeeeeeease, like the prank-happy royal family wouldn't rouse you from your sleep. There was pretty much no way you could've possibly 8een asleep," she smiles up at you from her comfortable seat on your bed.
You roll your eyes at her logic, she runs her fingers over your sheets looking a little puzzled
"Why is your sleeping plateau is wet? I'd ask if you had a little accident but I'm pretty sure even you aren't immature enough to do that," she laughs as you glare down at her
"IF YOU MUST KNOW, MY SLEEPING PLATEAU IS WET PRECISELY BECAUSE OF ONE OF THE MEMBERS OF THE SO CALLED 'PRANK-HAPPY ROYAL FAMILY'. HER AND HER STUPID PRANKS."
"You don't saaaaaaaay?" the way her lips spread to express her smug satisfaction makes your teeth grind "Guess I was right after all. 8et you had some real choice words for her after she woke you up like that."
"FUCK YEAH DO YOU KNOW WHAT FUCKING TIME IT IS? NOT EVERYONE IS IMBECILIC ENOUGH TO ENJOY TO WAKING UP AT FUCK MY THINK PAN SIDEWAYS O'CLOCK LIKE YOU SEEM TO."
"It's not that I like waking up at such early hours, not that I would expect a simple minded brute like you to understand that," her casual condescension is molasses replacing the air between you and her. Breathing in it fills your lungs with steaming anger. The way she throws back her hair tells you how much she cares, that is to say not at all.
A small hand comes up to tangle in her unkempt locks, bony, agile fingers work at the many knots in the strands, taking them apart in seconds.
"I have to wake up at the 8r8k of dawn to get a head start on a long day of pick pocketing and other forms of petty theft. Worth it though, early featherbeast gets the worm after all. 8esides, if I didn't wake that early I'd never get the chance to see you anymore, always so 8usy. It's almost like you don't want to see me anymore," the pout she shoots you could rival the faces of the clowns that once covered the castle walls in fakeness but it's clear this isn't just a joke. Vriska wouldn't fake hurt feelings over something like this unless they weren't completely fake.
So, you do what the two of you seem to do best.
"AS IF I COULD GO WITHOUT YOUR INCESSANT BRAGGING AND NAGGING FOR EVEN A PERIGEE, IF I TRIED TO MY BRAIN WOULD DRY UP AND COLLAPSE INTO ITSELF IN BOREDOM. IT'S A MIRACLE IT HASN'T HAPPENED ALREADY,WHAT WITH HOW LITTLE WE SEE EACH OTHER AT THE MOMENT," you bury your honest to goodness feelings under such a layer of bullshit the other has to resort to playing archeologist to dig up your meaning.
"WE SHOULD FIX THAT BY THE WAY, FIND A WAY TO HANG OUT MORE."
Thank goodness the two of you do this so ridiculously often you're practically experts by now. Vriska immediately figures out what you mean. Her lips split into a grin full of ridiculously sharp fangs that you definitely are not jealous of, at all.
"Weeeeeeeell since you can't seem to handle not seeing me for extended periods of time we should pro8a8ly work out a schedule. 8ut I' afraid there is actually something important to discuss."
This is new, what could she possibly have to say that was so important?
"OH REALLY? YOU? YOU'RE TELLING ME YOU HAVE SOMETHING IMPORTANT TO SAY? IT'S A MOTHERFUCKING MIRACLE! MIGHT AS WELL JOIN THE RETARDED ASSCLOWN CULT RIGHT NOW!"
"Yes, I have something important to s8y, stop acting so surprised!"
"I CAN'T HELP IT! YOU HAVING IMPORTANT NEWS IS ABOUT AS RARE AS HAVING A NIGHT WHERE I DON'T WAKE UP TO FIND DAVE FONDLING HIS SHAME GLOBES WHILE HE THINKS I'M ASLEEP. THAT IS TO SAY IT'S SUCH A RARE EVENT THAT IT'S PRETTY MUCH MYTHICAL," you say though it's a lie, that had only happened a handful of times.
"Yeah well shut up already so I can tell you what it is! It is kind of urgent!" She launches into the next sentence before you can answer.
"Dualscar is here, in the kingdom," you look at her and her steady gaze leaves no question.
"YOU AREN'T FUCKING KIDDING. HE'S HERE? WHY THE HELL? WASN'T THE FUCKER WAS KEEPING THOSE GLOBESUCKING DERSITES FROM INVADING THE EMPIRE OR SOMESHIT?"
"Why do you think? He's here for the heir's ceremony! Here on a goodwill mission from the Empress herself or some 8ullshit like that," her shoulders are tense, mouth set in a scowl.
"He's just here to score some brownie points with the king, fucking suck up," she mutters, a growl spilling from her throat. You consider the information Vriska just shared with you, just the thought of that asshole near the two of you makes your skin crawl.
"WHAT ARE WE FUCKING DOING ABOUT IT?"
"What do you think? We're going to make him p8y. We're going to make that fuck sorry he was ever 8orn! Make him die such a slow and torturous death he'll beg us to just finish him off, but we won't," the smile on her face is wide compared to her narrow eyes.
"SO WE'RE JUST GOING TO WALTZ ONTO HIS SHIP AND KILL HIM?"
"Yeah, that's the 8est way to do this."
"VRISKA THAT IS A HORRIBLE PLAN."
"There is no time for planning Karkat! He's only here until tomorrow! It's now, or never!" she cranes her neck up to look at you with a stony expression, firm as a rock. There is no way she is changing her mind, the force of your logic meets the immovable object that is her will, you yield.
"THIS IS, NO DOUBT, A TERRIBLE PLAN BUT I CAN'T LET YOUR STUPID ASS GO OUT AND GET YOURSELF KILLED. AND THERE IS NO FUCKING WAY I AM NOT GONNA GET A PIECE OF THAT IGNORANT BEAD OF GLOBE SWEAT,"
"Thank you Karkat, your support means a lot. I mean I was going to go regardless, but your backup is gr8ly appreciated," you hear relief buried in her tone as she pats you on the shoulder. Though she attempts to hide it under a self-satisfied grin, like she had been sure you would say yes no matter what.
"WELL WHAT DID YOU EXPECT? I'M COMING WITH YOU, EVEN IF IT IS A HORRIBLE IDEA AND WE'RE BOTH PROBABLY GOING TO DIE. THERE'S NO WAY I'M LETTING A PAN-DAMAGED FOOL LIKE YOU DIE ALONE, THAT WOULD JUST BE TOO SAD."
"At least if we go out we're going out together right?" the soft words lead to a soft touch as she takes your hand between both of hers. Even though you know this is an awful plan and you'll be lucky if either of you aren't grievously wounded somehow you think it's still worthwhile. Her fingers look so small on either side of your palm like but you can still feel their strength. It makes your blood pusher speed up and you tell yourself it's just the fear at the thought of dying on this mission of vengeance the two of you will soon embark upon. There is no way you have any red feelings for her whatsoever you mean you already have flush crushes on John and Dave and that's enough, having flush crushes on three people? That's just silly and stupid and there's no way that applies to you.
"YEAH, BUT RIGHT NOW I HAVE BIGGER FISH TO FRY. THIS CEREMONY IS KIND OF A BIG DEAL. GOTTA GREET ALL THE FACEMELTINGLY HIDEOUS GRUB SUCKS THAT ARE THE UPPER CLASS. GOD THAT IS GOING TO BE ANNOYING, AND EVEN BEFORE THAT THERE ARE STILL SEVERAL THINGS I NEED TO DO," you sigh in annoyance and she laughs, crossing her arms. This makes her look even more insufferable, you scowl.
"Of course! Can't have mister 8igshot miss a 8ig day of trying to avoid cussing out everyone in a ten mile radius!" she pinches your cheek because there is no way she's passing up any chance to be insufferable in any way she can.
"I guess, I'll just go explore the castle then until it's time. Should be 8ig enough for me to get around without anyone spotting me" she winks "I am a gr8 thief after all, and thieves can't do anything if they don't know how to sneak around. Hey may8e I could even crash the after ceremony party, could be fun! May8e I'll even get the drop on Dualscar and kill him while he drinks!" the idea is shithive maggots and she knows it but it doesn't stop her from fantasizing about it with a wistful grin on her face. She sees your scowl and sticks out her tongue
"Oh unclench grumpy, I know it'd be a 8ad idea, you don't need to wear out your ocular glo8es to tell me. Not like I have any clothes fancy enough for a castle party, couldn't 8lend very well at all." She sighs and you get the sense that she wishes that she could go, but you don't comment on it.
"Well anyway, I should go. A no8ody like me shouldn't get caught in the cham8ers a prestigious knight to 8e" she says winking before she hops off the bed. Stretching out her arms she looks over her shoulder to declare "I'm gonna go explore the castle. May8e I'll take a few priceless treasures the royal family won't miss," she starts to saunter towards the door, swaying her hips like she belongs there. Once you process what she said you get up to try and stop her.
"NO WAIT-" you near her just in time to get a hold of her sleeve. Well actually the sleeve of your jacket, which continues to be far too big for her and obscures the entirety of her arm. You stop her but when she turns to look at you she doesn't look worried in the least.
"You knoooooooow Karkat, I think I just so happened to leave my grappling hook dangling from the 8alcony. You should go get it 8efore any guards catch sight of it and wonder why promising young Vantas has a rope dangling from his 8alcony."
"SHIT! WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO THAT FOR!" you look to the balcony and it gives her enough time to slip out of the jacket and rush out the door. Curses fall from your lips and you rush out into the hallway but she's already gone and you know that any attempt to catch her now would be unsuccessful. You kick at the dust and go out to the balcony only to find her grappling hook on the ground, rope coiled around it. That gogdamn crafty cerulean 8itch got you! You wish you could say it was the first time.
-John
Your name is John Egbert and you've just woken up. You sit up, rubbing the sleep from your eyes before you remember that it's a special day, your 16th birthday to be precise. As you are an Heir to the kingdom this birthday is particularly important. Today is your worthiness ceremony.
Remembering this makes your stomach twist up in knots so you decide to forget about it for the moment. You get up and yawn, stretching your limbs until they pop, expelling the stiffness of sleep before taking a seat on the edge of your bed.
Getting dressed should be your first priority, but you just can't get yourself to move from your seat on the bed. Your eyes start to slip shut once again just as a set of knocks echo through your room. Who could that be? You wonder as you get up and open the door. Standing in the hallway is none other than your father, the king, holding a cake.
"Hey dad wha-" your question is interrupted by another yawn. He steps into the room, closing the door behind him.
"I came to congratulate you on your special day, but it seems I may have come too early," chuckling he places the cake on a set of drawers you have by the door.
A 'Thanks dad' tumbles out of your mouth as you finally process his words. He ruffles your hair with a beaming smile and you grumble under your breath.
"Son, I hope you realize how important today is," the king starts, finally getting serious. His gaze, peering down at you from under the brim of his sensible hat makes you feel self conscious and you rub your arm, unable to meet his eyes.
"Today is the day of your Worthiness Ceremony. The day you get to show the kingdom that you are worthy of one day contending for the throne, if not inheriting it," along with these words your father sends you an encouraging smile but your nerves will not be shaken. Are you really worthy of contending for the throne?
Always one to notice when you are feeling particularly upset, your dad sweeps you into a big hug. It reminds you of the ones he would give you when you were young and dreadful nightmares had woken you in the middle of the night. Though the embrace is unexpected it is not unwelcome and you hide your face in the fabric of his tunic and return the embrace.
"I remember what it was like son. I remember worrying that I wasn't good enough. I remember losing sleep because I was wondering if I could possibly be a good ruler," his whisper comforts you as your relax in his grip. He takes a deep breath before he continues "But I can tell you this, son, you are good enough. I can see it in you, John. One day, you will be a wonderful ruler, if Jane doesn't beat you to it that is," the laugh that he lets out is quiet and soft and you exhale in the comfortable silence, feeling like a weight had been lifted from your chest. Dad releases you now, stepping back to meet your eyes.
"Son, I am so proud of you. I am proud of all of you, you and Dave and Karkat have all grown up to be exemplary young men. Jane too has grown up to become an excellent young lady, and Latula has as well. I know the five of you will grow up to accomplish great things. And with how much you look like your old man you'll look great while doing it," he winks and the two of you laugh. If there's any way to cheer you up your dad can always find it, a quality you are endlessly grateful for.
When the laughing is all well and done he hmms and gives you a once over.
"Son, you should get dressed and ready, today is your big day remember? Can't very well go about it in only your sleepwear," he waggles his finger like you're a naughty child, you shake it off, smiling.
"Well what if I do? Who says I won't go around dressed like this all day and pass it off as a prank? Afraid my prankster's gambit will go off the charts?"
"Son, if you decide to do that during the ceremony I may just have to cancel it," a chill races down your spine at the cold tone of his words. But then he laughs and returns to his cheerful demeanor "I'm sure you will decide it isn't for the best though," he finishes.
"Well, I will leave you to get dressed, give these to Dave and Karkat when you see them," he hands you two little unsealed envelopes, both around the size of a business card. One had Karkat's name on it and the other had Dave's both written in the businesslike hand of your father.
"I will be busy setting up everything for the ceremony so I won't have the chance to see any of you again before it starts. Goodbye son, have a happy birthday! I'm so, so proud of you," the door slides shut behind him and you stand there for a few seconds. You have a feeling this is going to be a long day.
After you finally snap out of your daze you place the envelopes on the drawers by your door. You figure you'll see them as you're leaving and remember to take them with you. Having done that you proceed getting dressed, you don a simple blue tunic for now.
As you finish strapping your boots there's a knock at the door.
"Hey John, I'm coming in so you better not be jerking it in there," you hear from behind the door. Before you can answer Dave walks in anyway somehow opening the door despite having one cake balanced in each hand.
"How nice of you to knock," there's no real bite to the remark, you are too used to his behavior to be either surprised or annoyed.
"Just had to come see how my main man was feeling on his like, maturity day or whatever the fuck. You look about as ready for this as a cat is to take a bath though," a smile wants to overtake his lips you can tell but he doesn't let it. Hiding his emotions is just another way for him to preserve the so called 'ironic' teachings his father drilled into his head all those years ago. Even if, in the years since, your dad has pretty much been acting as Dave's father, and Karkat's too, to a certain extent. Of course he could never replace Dave's father or Karkat's guardian. However this did not stop him from providing the fatherly support necessary for them to grow up happy and healthy besides you and Jane. No less than what he did for Latula.
"But hey, Janey told me to bring these over to you," he says stepping closer and you narrow your eyes. Suspicious of cake on today of all days but hesitantly you reach out to take them from him. Before you can though, he slams one into your face with enough force that you lose your balance and fall back onto your ass. Luckily something softer than brick breaks your fall, unluckily, that thing is also cake. Cake most likely dropped there with the aid of Dave's ridiculous speed you realize as you bring down a hand to feel at the thing that broke your fall.
Your face and your ass are covered in frosting. You can feel your prankster's gambit fall into the negatives.
"That was also courtesy of Jane, Happy Birthday John," you hear Dave say, monotone as ever as the cake falls off your face. You glare up at him from your moist seat as you consider what to do next. Even if he was just acting on Jane's orders you still had to get yourself a little retribution, but how? Your eyes lock on the cake your dad left on the drawers and you realize you know exactly how to get your revenge.
Dave offers you a hand to help you up and you take it scowling at him
"Thanks," you mutter like you're still mad so he doesn't get suspicious, you wait. When he starts to pull you up, you pretend to stumble and threaten to send the both of you down almost to the floor. His eyes widen in surprise and you keep the image in your mind to contemplate when you aren't both in the middle of a prank and plunging towards the ground. You always have loved the unusual shade of his eyes.
"Sorry!" you mumble after you pretend to catch your balance and straighten your leg under you, pushing the both of you up and leaving you chest to chest with him. For a second you swear you see him flush, but shrug it off as you use his surprise to push the both of you closer to the door.
"John, what the hell are you doing?" his back meets the wall besides the doorway. His eyes are still wide and he seems to be both incredulous and happy for some reason. But you don't wonder about why that could be and you don't answer, instead reaching for the cake with a grin on your face.
"Shit, I should've known," there's disappointment in his tone when he realizes what's going on for a split second right before the cake meets his face. You think it's kind of weird, why would he be disappointed in himself for not seeing the prank coming, it isn't like it's unusual. The thought throws you off enough you can't completely enjoy the feeling of getting a few notches back on your prankster's gambit.
Dave scrapes the cake off his face and you smile at him as he places it on your drawers again. Your smile is so big your lips are starting to hurt but you don't stop even as he gives you the most fake, most wounded expression you've ever seen
"Wow John, that really stings, I thought I could trust you and then you betray me like this? Did our friendship really mean so little to you, you callous prince?" he asks with the over dramatic flair typical of his long declarations. You decide to play along
"But don't you see Dave? It was you who betrayed me. Conspiring with my sister to get cake not only on my face, but also on my ass, and now your betrayal is repaid, you dirty traitor."
He's about to retort when the door opens to reveal Karkat, also entering without warning.
"WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE?" he asks, eyeing both your cake covered faces and glancing at your frosted ass, perhaps staring at it for a second or two too long but you don't notice.
"Karkat you have just stumbled into a secret meeting of the cake-faced club. Now that you have seen our most secret, sacred ceremony you must become one of us. Otherwise we will be forced to silence you, permanently," the ridiculous lie comes out of Dave's mouth immediately, serious tone making you grin as you nod in agreement. You once again grab the cake that you had already slammed against Dave's face and approaching Karkat
"Yeah Karkat, you have to join us"
"NO! THERE IS DEFINITELY NO WAY I AM JOINING YOUR IDIOTIC RANKS! ABSOLUTELY NOT!" the troll shakes his head, stepping back as you approach
"One of us, one of us, one of us," you hear Dave chant behind you step towards the troll.
"JOHN I SWEAR IF YOU DARE HIT MY FACE WITH THAT CAKE I'LL-" you don't let him finish; planting the squashed cake right on his before he can stop you.
For a second the world is completely silent as Karkat gets the cake off his face. As the cake comes off a face of absolute rage is revealed. He grabs your pant's waistband and stretches it open wide. When he shoves the cake down your pants, trapping it in your undies, you are not expecting it. Needless to say it is pretty uncomfortable. Karkat's frosted glare is toasting you alive.
"HAPPY BIRTHDAY JOHN."