Part one: The Story of Our Lives
Age 37
"Happy birthday, Dean!" Sam said jovially when Castiel opened the motel door to his knock. In Sam's hand, he carried a sixpack of bottled beer. Dean, sitting on the edge of his narrow bed, glanced at his brother, and grunted in response.
They were nestled in a cozy motel located in a scenic back road of Arkansas. Or, in Dean's words, they were squatting in a shit hole cash- only roach room barely big enough to contain the three of them comfortably, in the middle of bum fuck Egypt. Cas could not comprehend what bums or Egypt had to do with anything, but he learned to limit his constant questions for clarification so as to avoid annoying his friends. Castiel didn't need to know everything inside and out. Just being a part of their adventures was enough to make him happy.
"Today is your birthday?" Castiel asked, turning to Dean with a tilt of his head. He knew what the earth custom signified although he did not entirely understand why any mortal would celebrate growing older and that much closer to death.
"I don't know, I don't pay attention to these things," Dean grumbled.
"It is definitely his birthday today, Cas. Dean is thirty seven!" Sam grinned mischievously which only worsened under Dean's scrutiny.
"Should we not get a cake?" Castiel offered and Dean groaned. Sam laughed, and pulled a beer from the tote to hand to his brother.
"You know what I want to do on my birthday, Cas? Hunt." Dean looked up at Cas and his face broke into an endearing smile. Castiel swallowed against a thickness forming in his throat.
"Well, I thought you might say that," Sam said with a smile to match his brothers, "so I took the liberty to research ways to kill this water troll we've been hunting."
"Great! So how do we stop this son of a bitch?" Dean asked his brother gruffly; returning to all business. Twisting off the cap, he took a deep draw from his beer.
"According to legend, if you dip a blade in moonlit fresh water, it will be anointed, and we should be able to take him out," offered Sam and Cas turned his attention to study his tall friend. Lately, Sam has been at constant war with himself over his growing desire not to hunt. It's the family unity that keeps him going, and the desire to not let his brother down. Cas could understand the feeling. Since the moment that Cas pulled Dean from perdition, he has felt compelled to protect the righteous man, and to serve him in any capacity, even if it cost Castiel in the process.
"Great!" Dean said and rested his beer with a soft thunk before getting to his feet. The bed screeched for the relief of its burden and Cas studied the place where Dean once sat. He wondered how long the sheets would linger with Dean's warmth. "Let's go do this thing. Cas, you comin'?" Castiel started a little at hearing his name and he lifted his eyes to Deans.
"...ofcourse," he managed to say, and Dean stepped into his space with a half smile.
"Good, we could use your help," he said with his voice softening. He reached out and tugged Castiel's tie straight. Cas studied the soft curve of Dean's lower lip. Satisfied, Dean stepped away with a casual pat on Cas' s shoulder. "Let's go!" He said with a cheeky smile and headed towards the door.
Castiel glanced in the motel mirror and studied his reflection with a turn of his head. Gently, his fingers trailed against the knot of his tie; corrected with Deans knowing fingers. Castiel wondered, if he mussed the tie once more, would Dean reach to fix it again?
Age 38
"Finish the spell!" Dean screamed and his face twisted in pain. Castiel took a step towards him, glaring at the demon that gripped at his throat, but then paused. Glancing over his shoulder, he examined the swirling light that surrounded the shallow spell cauldron. The task was almost done and they didn't have much time left.
Knowing Dean was usually capable of overcoming a demon on his own, Castiel strode towards the cauldron. Walking past Sam, he bent to one knee and rested fingers on the younger brothers head. Sam was well; merely knocked unconscious from the attacking demon, so Castiel moved on.
Reaching the cauldron, Cas's fingers closed around the remaining ingredients for the spell. Blood of a demon, fur of a hellhound, tears of an angel...Cas threw everything into the boiling liquid in the bowl. As soon as the liquids connected, the bowl undulated with pulsing smoke that bellowed over Castiel and spread the encompass the room. Vision became impossible but in the clouds of smoke, a few feet away, Castiel could hear the screams of a demon and breathed a heavy sigh of relief. It must have worked.
They have done it. The spell barred any demons from occupying human bodies without getting permission from the vessel first. It was the only method that angels have used since the beginning of time since humanity should be protected and given a fair choice. But demons always took what they felt they earned by right. With this no longer an option, the balance between heaven and hell was restored once more. Smiling to himself for the great victory, Cas turned his attention back to his friends.
"Dean!" Cas called out, but no response returned to him from the smoke filled abyss. Worry edged along the surface of Castiel's good mood, and he lifted his hand to push Grace filled air through the room. Cas made quick work of pushing all the smoke through every crack and crevice of the rugged cabin room until the air within was clean and sweet once more.
Scanning the room, Castiel's eyes immediately fell on Dean. He lay collapsed against one of the cabin walls with the vessel of the attacking demon strewn out on the floor a few feet away. Dean was slumped to the side and his eyes were drawn shut. Cas sucked air through his teeth and rushed to the hunters side. Frantic trembling fingers touched Dean's forehead and Castiel probed his body. Be ok. Please be ok.
Cas determined that the demon had tried to enter Dean in the panic of the new spell while it was being forced out of its vessel. As a result, it locked smoke deep into Dean's lungs. He was not breathing, and while his heart still thrummed, without oxygen his heart did not have many more seconds of effective circulation. Already Cas could feel it beginning to slow. The thought of Dean dying overwhelmed him. Cas hovered a moment, suspended by his panic, while his throat emitted a thready keening sound.
Then, Castiel forced himself to action and gently lowered Dean the rest of the way to the floor. He had been bestowed with this knowledge from Metatron and he knew what to do. He reached trembling fingers to Deans face, and tilted back his chin. Closing his nose, Cas leaned in and connected his lips to the hunters so as to push clean air into Deans lungs. When Dean did not respond to the effort, Castiel performed the breathing technique again. And again.
He allowed his fingers to probe and could feel Dean's heart beating slower and slower until the panic that gripped Castiel threatened to overcome him. Forcing himself to action, Cas threaded his Grace through his breath and brought his lips to Dean's once more. Suddenly Dean gasped in a lung full of air and rolled on to his side to cough.
"Dean," Cas whispered under his breath, barely audible to even his own ears. Relief flooded through him, making all his limbs go weak and Castiel slumped against the floor. Watching Dean catch his breath, Cas realized that there was something more than just relief going on in the merge of angel and vessel. His heart thrummed in his chest, his gut ached with longing, and his lips burned from the feel of Dean's lips upon them. What was happening to him?
Dean blinked tears out of his eyes and turned to peer up at the angel.
"Cas?" He said, his throat raw and gruff. Without thought, Cas pulled Dean towards him and enveloped the hunter in an embrace. The realization that he could have lost Dean; that every day he could lose Dean, gripped Cas with such a terror that his whole body started to tremble. His wings, usually unseen to human eyes, quivered uncontrollably as they encircled Dean's flaccid form. "Cas..." Dean croaked, then pursed his lips to work moisture back into his mouth. "You ok, Cas?"
Cas laughed at the absurdity of the question. "I should be asking you that, Dean." His fingers tangled into Dean's hair; caressing, soothing.
"You're trembling," Dean noted, staring up at him.
"I thought I was going to lose you," Castiel whispered and he pulled Dean closer until the hunters head nestled against Cas's chest. "I can't lose you, Dean." Leaning, Cas nuzzled the soft soapy smell of Dean's hair against his cheek and closed his eyes.
"Why?" Dean said, just just as softly, and pulled away so that he could lift his head to look Cas in the eye. His eyes were wide and confused; swimming with the emotion of so many unspoken words. "What have I ever done to deserve you giving such a damn about me?" Cas' breath caught in his throat and his eyes drifted down to the swell of Dean's lower lip.
"Dean..." Cas whispered the word like a prayer, and his head tilted to close the distance between them. A soft noise escaped the back of Dean's throat when Cas kissed him. Not uncommon with the basic aspects of the function, Castiel was surprised at how his body blossomed heat in ways he never experienced when he kissed Meg. Or watched the pizza man videos. Never before had he experienced this level of rightness as though every puzzle piece fell into place. How many years had he wanted this? Since the beginning? Probably so. His body thrummed in response to the cascade of powerful emotions teasing through him. It made Cas feel consumed with...hunger? Desire? He had nothing to compare it to to know.
Leaning in further, Castiel deepened his kiss. He nipped at the hunter's lower lip that he had spent so many years admiring, and slid his hand up Dean's back to pull him closer still. His kisses became long and desperate, and with a sudden fervor, Dean was kissing him back. Cas gasped and the hunter stole his breath away. Arms reached up to encircle Cas, wings drooped down to comfort Dean, and both angel and man lost sight of all existence but for each other. After an eternity; after an instant, Dean pulled away from Castiel's hungry kisses and looked at his brother who still laid motionless a few feet away.
"Sam?" The question was for Castiel.
"He's just unconscious," the angel said, and leaned in to capture the hunter's lips once more. If Castiel had known how this would make him feel; how his heart raced and his breath quickened just at the closeness of the other man, he wouldn't have spent so many years idly admiring Dean from a far. Dean drew each kiss in with a soft breathy moan that made Castiel feel like he was going to boil over with all emotions rattling through him, but too soon the hunter was pulling away from him.
"Later," Dean said breathlessly and Cas was pleased to see how flushed and aroused the hunter appeared to be as well. "We have to get out of here." Agreeing, Castiel squeezed Dean to him once last time and the helped the hunter to his feet.
Castiel helped Dean pull Sam from the floor, and with one arm slumped over each man's shoulder, they navigated the taller brother to the car.
"So the spell, it work?" Dean asked Cas as they walked.
"Yes Dean, I'm pretty sure it did." Castiel said quietly. His mind was still racing and reliving the moments of their kiss.
"Well," Dean said with a sly chuckle, "this turned out to be a pretty kick ass birthday." Castiel blinked in surprise. He had not registered the human calendar date until that moment. He would never forget the day again.
Age 39
Castiel paced the length of the room, and checked the clock nervously. Sam had texted that they were on their way back, so why were they so late? Glancing at the table, Castiel confirmed all was in place, and then resumed his pacing.
Suddenly he heard a car door slam and Castiel gasped. Turning, he glanced at the couch nested in the corner of the apartment sized motel room. Quickly he stripped off his coat and slung it over a chair. He tugged at his tie, pulling it askew, and sat on the floral printed couch cushions. Keys rattled and voices caught at his ear from outside. Castiel draped his arm casually over the couch, then turned, and leaned against the side of the couch with his back, then turned once more and tried to look casual as he draped his legs over the adjacent cushion.
A key slid into the deadbolt with a soft shunk. Cas turned to see a book placed as an offering on a side table and cracked it open in his hand. When the door came open, Castiel casually flipped a page.
"-and that's why busty Asians beat busty brunettes any day," Dean was saying as they entered the room. Sam rolled his eyes and then grinned at the angel.
"Hey, Cas, sorry we're late. I hope you weren't worried," Sam said and Castiel casually closed his book and set it down beside him. He suppressed a wince to see it was the bible. King James no less, but hopefully the brothers wouldn't notice.
"Late? I didn't notice," Castiel said casually and raised his arms in a lazy stretch.
"You're a horrible liar," Dean said with a grin and moved to greet the angel. As soon as he left the small foyer, the room came into full view and Dean stopped in his tracks.
In the kitchen area a narrow table was decorated with a cloth and porcelain plates. Candles illuminated the scene and the centerpiece was a plate of cheeseburgers that Castiel had made himself.
"Um..." Castiel got to his feet and sheepishly glanced at Dean. "Happy birthday." Dean turned and peered intently into Castiel's eyes. His face was slack, his expression unreadable, and Castiel lowered his gaze under the scrutiny. Dean stepped closer to Castiel, entering his personal space.
"Cas," he heard Dean say softly, and the hunters breath tickled against his cheek. "Did you do all this for me?" Cas nodded dumbly, suddenly too embarrassed to formulate words. Dean reached out and took Cas's hand, and he pulled the angel towards him.
Dean's kiss was gentle and soft. Different from the heated kisses of so many times that year. The long periods of time with no affection at all followed by lust driven encounters in dark corners of the world that left Castiel breathless but lonely in the end. He yearned for so much more. His heart wanted a lifetime of Dean and the rations of affection were just barely enough to keep him from falling into despair. This kiss was entirely different. Also, it was in front of Sam who appeared just a surprised as Castiel was. Cas supposed Dean had his reasons for keeping his brother in the dark, not least of which being all the ways Sam would explain how it was such a bad idea. But now suddenly Dean was openly kissing him, and kneading the skin just below his ribs, and tracing gentle fingers through his hair.
"The...the food is going to get cold," Sam said weakly. Dean turned and flashed a foxy grin towards his brother.
"Oh we would hate for that to happen," he said with a chuckle.
"Actually, I have been keeping everything at perfect temperature with my Grace," Castiel managed in a ragged voice. How did he become so out of breath? "Without over-cooking of course." Dean turned back to Cas and lifted his fingers to pull at Cas's tie to correct it. Smiling, he leaned in for another brief kiss, but as soon as it began, he was already pulling away and making his way to the table.
"You're not just an angel, you're a saint," he called over his shoulder, and Cas reveled in the heat filling his chest.
Castiel expected Sam to ask questions. Demand to know how long things were going on between Dean and him, but surprisingly he didn't mention the kiss once. He complimented the food and talked about the hunt. He begged off queries regarding his wellbeing and said he was just tired. It had been a long day. His hip hurt from the vampire throwing him into a wall.
Underneath it all, Castiel could see the distant look in Sam's eyes, and he recognized that look from his own past thoughts. Sam was seeing Dean's future with someone else and Cas could tell that it made Sam feel lonely. Castiel almost regretted making such an elaborate effort of Dean's birthday.
When Dean ate his fill of what what he described to be the best burgers ever made, Castiel cleared away the plates and took them to the small kitchen sink. He sheaded his jacket, draping it over his trench coat, and rolled up his sleeves so as to not wet them in the dishwater.
"Man, Cas," Dean said with a groan, "I don't think I could eat another bite if you begged me too."
"That's unfortunate," Castiel said over his shoulder as he drew water into to the sink. "I constructed an apple pie in lieu of a birthday cake since it's pie that you prefer."
"Constructed? Apple pie?" Dean asked, sitting up in his chair.
"It isn't too difficult," Cas said with a casual shrug over a task that had taken him six months to perfect, "when everything tastes like molecules, it's easy to fit those molecules together in the right flavor combination."
"Well let's have it then!" Dean said and pointed fingers at the empty table space in front of him. "Hit me." Cas looked over his shoulder and planned a halfhearted retort to tease Dean for his earlier declarations, but seeing the eagerness in the hunter's face made it impossible to refuse them. Instead, Cas glanced at Sam who was studying the contours of his hands.
"Sam, would you like some?" The younger brother smiled weakly and shook his head. Turning, Cas opened the oven and pulled out a warm crusty apple pie. He sliced a generous portion onto a plate and handed it to Dean. Returning to the dishes, he watched out of the corner of his eye as Dean cut a large chunk away with his fork and scooped into his mouth. His jaw worked for a second and then stopped. His eyes grew wide; pupils dilating, and he looked up at Castiel.
"Sam?" Dean said his mouth still full of pie.
"Yeah, Dean?" Sam lifted his head head to look at his brother.
"You're getting your own room tonight."
Age 40
Dean pushed Castiel, and the angel allowed himself to fall back against the bed. Dean was on top of him in an instant; pulling at Castiel's shirt, exposing the soft skin of his stomach, and he ran his tongue against the sensitive flesh.
"The pie was amazing," he mouthed against Castiel's ribs.
"Better than last year?" Castiel asked, his breath already quickening under the hunter's touch. That was the thing with Dean. Even after all this time, it felt like it was still the first time with him.
"Much better than last year." Dean lifted his body over Castiel's, and drew himself up to meet the angels lips with his. The kiss was gentle and deep, but already Cas could feel the timid brush of hardness rubbing against his thigh. He let out a soft moan in anticipation of things to come.
Dean pulled at Cas's clothing, working his trench and jacket off of his arms, and then bit into his shoulder through the thin cotton of Cas's dress shirt. Cas bucked into Dean involuntarily, and shuddered at the contrast of pain radiating from his shoulder and pleasure radiating from his dick.
"You complete me Cas," Dean kissed into his neck while he pulled at the buttons of the other man's shirt. Some buttons detached completely in his desire, but it mattered little. Castiel would put it to rights in the end.
Hot fingers slipped behind Castiel and pulled at the skin of his back. Cas reached and tugged at Dean's shirt as well, slipping it easily over the hunter's head. Dean's clothing was so much more convenient to remove, and while Castiel adored his trench coat and the history he had with it, maybe he should try other attire that Dean didn't have to tear off of him all the time.
Suddenly, Dean grinded his hip against Cas's cock and the angel threw his head back to moan.
"Stop spacing out so much," Dean snapped and his lips caught the angels in a kiss. He nipped at Cas's lower lip and then licked it to sooth before sliding his tongue between Castiel's teeth. The feel of Dean's tongue in his mouth sent a jolt of aching want along the length of his shaft letting lose a spot of pre-cum to dampen his boxers. He rutted into the sensation, allowing the friction to bring him ever closer to that breaking point.
"No," Dean said and pulled away from Cas. The sudden absence of heat left the angel longing and his body writhed against the bed.
"Come back, Dean," he panted.
"In a minute," Dean's voice was husky and wrecked. He undid Castiel's zipper and fly, and pulled down his pants. Castiel was sad at the loss of friction when Dean stripped him naked, but closed his eyes and reveled in the way Dean looked over him. They had been together long enough, fucked and made love enough times to know what the other person liked. Castiel, for example, liked when Dean looked at him. While Dean...well...Dean liked when Castiel begged.
"Dean, please," Cas whimpered but the hunter only chuckled. Leaning towards Cas slowly, Dean let his lips skim against Castiel's knee. Cas's knees were very ticklish. Dean knew this. Cas jumped at the touch of his sensitive skin and Dean responded by sliding his hand up the inner thigh of the opposite leg. This drew Castiel up; arching his back, as soft whimpers escaped his lips. Then Dean was brushing soft lips against Cas's knee again causing him to crumple against the bed again with a shudder. Over and over Dean worked at him like this until Castiel relented a never ending stream of longing from his lips.
"Please, Dean. Please fuck me. Don't make me wait anymore. I can't stand this. Please just touch me. Touch me. Dean..Dean..." He reached for his cock, but Dean firmly drew his hand away which did not surprise Castiel in the least. This was how Dean liked him the most, after all. Wrecked with desire, unguarded and vulnerable, completely in Dean's control.
It was no wonder, considering his past, and with recent events between he and Sam. It has been months since the brothers talked to each other. This worried Cas immensely but he didn't know what to do. Sam called himself a 'third wheel', and while the description of the term seemed to fit Castiel's past few years a lot more closely than Sams, Sam was not taking it in stride the way Cas did.
"I said," Dean huffed as his fingers on Cas's thigh turned into a firm grip, "Stop spacing out!" Dean pulled himself forward and ran his tongue down the length of Castiel's shaft. The angel bucked and moaned for the pleasure against his neglected dick. "I hate when you space out on shit," Dean said as his tongue found that particular spot under the head of Castiel's cock that was extra sensitive.
"I'm sorry, Dean," Castiel moaned although if this was the end result of his wandering mind, he was not sorry at all.
"What could you even be thinking about at a time like this?" Dean asked, his lips whispering against that spot, and Cas reveled in the vibration against his skin. The intensity of his longing distracted all logical thought.
"S-Sam," he managed to say and Dean stopped dead. Cas peered down to see the hunter glaring up at him. His eyes blown and sharp in the dim light.
"What did you say?" He had an edge to his tone that left Castiel baffled.
"I'm worried about him," he admitted sadly; his cock, a weighted counterpoint, twitched against his stomach. "I'm worried about both of you."
"Did anyone ever tell you that you think too much?" Dean's voice was dark. Cold. Cas watched the hunter, confused.
"Is something wrong?" He asked; worry of disappointing Dean overcoming his arousal. Dean pulled away from Cas and grabbed the angels hip to roll him onto his stomach. He pulled at Cas's hips and Cas responded to the gesture by going to his knees.
"So here I am," Dean said as he reached for a bottle setting close by, "trying to get you hot. Trying to make you wild," squelching sounds indicate fluid and Cas glanced over his shoulder to see Dean had undone his pants and was working lube over his skin. "and I thought I was doing a pretty good fucking job of it..." Dean tossed the lube aside and drew Castiel closer to him by his waist. "...until suddenly you're thinking about my brother." The implications of what Dean just said hit Castiel like a fist to the gut.
"Dean-" Castiel tried to turn around, but Dean jerked him back into place and then slammed into him with one go. Cas dropped his face against the pillow and cried out from the sudden assault on his prostate. Dean was rough and angry but in spite of the initial pain, Cas's body soon responds to the familiar way Dean fit inside him. Reaching down, he squeezed pleasure from his cock.
"Don't you fucking dare," Dean says icily, and reluctantly, Castiel let go. "Of all the times to worry about Sam, why now?" Cas had to admit that this has been an ongoing issue between the two of them. Dean always clung to the moment; rarely seeing beyond the here and now while Castiel has spent millennia strategizing decades in advance. It was a hard habit to break even during these carnal physical encounters. Maybe if he tried meditation-
"Stop it!" Dean shouted and he gripped Castiel's hips to slam into him hard. Castiel, finally feeling the full effects of the lubricant, felt nothing but pleasure in the exchange.
"I'm sorry, Dean," Castiel moaned into his pillow.
"Don't you see how this hurts me? You thinking about my brother when all I can think about is you." His thrusts became more intense now and Castiel knew Dean was close. He reached for his cock again and was relieved when Dean left him to it.
"I don't want to hurt you, Dean. I never want to hurt you." Castiel moaned at the intensity of Dean inside him. He tightened his grip, timing the jerk of his wrist in rhythm with Dean's thrusts, and suddenly he was cuming. Semen scattered across the sheets and Castiel could feel Dean following suit within him as well. The sex was hard, raw, and angry. It was like nothing Cas had experienced with Dean before. Dean pulled away from him and Cas turned to see the hunter hurriedly dressing.
"Dean, please...can we talk about this?"
"If you worry about Sam so much," Dean snapped, glaring at Cas with glassy eyes, "then go share his bed instead of thinking about him in mine."
"Dean, I don't love Sam," Castiel said desperately, "I love you." Dean paused putting on his second boot to look at him. His face, was utterly undone.
"Of all the times to say it, you had to come up with that now." Unshead tears added sparkle to his eyes, and Dean turned for the door.
"Where are you going?" Castiel called after him.
"Out!" Dean called over his shoulder, "for my happy fucking birthday!" and with a slam of the door, he was gone. Castiel fell back against the bed; naked, confused, and ashamed, and for the first time time in the history of his existence, Castiel cried.
Age 41
"Don't open your eyes," Dean said in his ear, and Castiel smiled. He reached out a hand and Dean was quick to take it.
"This is your birthday, Dean, shouldn't you be the one getting a surprise?" While Castiel in part felt some remorse that he couldn't be the one leading a blindfolded Dean to destinations unknown, the other part of him was beside himself with excitement.
"You always try to make a big deal out of my birthday but we never celebrate yours."
"I don't have one," Cas said flatly. He was never a baby born of a womb. Castiel was simply created.
"Exactly," Dean said jovially and then leaned in close to whisper against Cas's ear.
"Today will be your birthday." Dean's hot breath against the sensitive hairs of Cas's ear made the angel suck in his breath sharply. Dean chuckled from the response.
Pulling Cas along by his hand, Dean led him along an uneven path of gravel terrain.
"We're almost there," Dean called to him and Castiel smiled. He didn't care where they were going. He was just happy to be with the hunter. Every day they were together now. Sometimes they hunted, other times they spent the day making love. Whatever the circumstance or place, Castiel felt as though he was home. In fact, he has been visiting heaven less and less because he knew nothing could compare to his time with Dean. Placing a hand on Castiel's shoulder, Dean indicated the angel to stop.
"We're here," he said and suddenly he sounded nervous. Cas's heart galloped with excitement. He heard a shift of gravel and Dean was close to him again; whispering at his ear.
"I love you, Cas," his voice breathed soft and gruff and Castiel's face bloomed into a smile.
"Is this my birthday present?" He whispered in return and Dean chuckled again. Reaching for the blindfold, Dean untied it and let it fall away.
"No, this is." The sun streaked into Castiel's eyes and he blinked against it. In front of him, an old house looked to be in great disrepair; boarded and neglected from years of unuse.
"This is...Robert Singer's house?" Castiel turned to look at Dean and the hunter smiled.
"Well it was," he said and he took Cas's hand to lead him towards the door, "but when he died he passed it to Sam and I and well, Sam said it was okay if I moved in." Castiel gasped.
"You talked to Sam?" Cas could not even recall the last time Dean spoke to his brother.
"Well, yeah..." Dean responded warily and Castiel's face could not contain the size of smile he wanted to show.
"That's amazing news! This is a wonderful birthday present! Thank you, Dean!" Dean stared at Cas for a moment and then shook his head with a small smile of his own.
"You're missing the point, Cas."
"What is the point then," Castiel asked, stepping closer to Dean. Lifting his hands, he trailed fingers of endearment through the other man's hair.
"Sam signed his half of the deed over to me." Castiel blinked.
"I'm moving in here, Cas."
"Oh?" Cas said and tilted his head to the side.
"...with you."
"Oh...oh!" Realization sunk home and Castiel took a step back to look at the house once more. It was a mess, but the structure was sound, and the location remote enough to not draw suspicion from roving monsters. A house. His house. A house for the two of them. Castiel face fell as he worked to hold back tears.
"Hey, hey," Dean said and he trailed fingers down Cas's back. "Why the sudden water works?" Cas scrubbed at his eyes.
"I'm sorry, I'm just...happy," he said with a laugh and Dean pulled him into a kiss.
They examined the house and discussed what needed to be worked on right away, and what could wait. Castiel thought he might enjoy painting the walls and had to promise the only colors he could chose from would resemble a shade of dirt. Dean talked about getting some of the junk cars scrapped out and fixing up some of the nicer ones to sell. He even discussed opening a shop under an alias.
"What about hunting?" Castiel asked and Dean shrugged.
"I don't want to keep risking my neck until the day I die," Dean said and his eyes sought out Castiel's. "Not when I have you here worrying about me."
Cas swallowed hard. He thought he hid it well enough but Dean could see right through him. It seemed as though he has gotten really good at that. How many times has Dean been in the middle of a hunt and Castiel was gripped with such a panic that he couldn't leave the hunters side? Any time Dean suggested splitting up, Cas blatantly refused, and if Dean was in danger, Cas rescued him before any other. This upset Dean immensely one time when a hostage died because Castiel chose to save Dean instead. The alternative was just too unthinkable to consider.
"Do you..." Cas paused to swallow against the thickness in his throat again, "do you really want that?" He asked in a small voice.
"Yes, Cas, I really do." Dean said, smiling, and Cas threw his arms around the hunter-no-more and berated him with kisses. Never. He would never let him go. Never.
Age 42
Castiel pulled an apple pie from the oven and set it to cool on a rack atop the counter. Taking a step back, he took in the cozy room and let out a contented sigh.
Dean has been so busy working on the house and while Castiel did what he could, his true happiness was making the place feel like a home. He bought furniture on consignment and learned to restore it to its previous luster. He learned to sew, in the most barest of ways, and fashioned curtains that held wards against angels and demons stitched into the seams. He painted the walls; honey colored to satisfy them both, and accented them with a darker chestnut trim. He picked out throw rugs for the wooden floors, and scrubbed the Formica counters to a shine. Dean said that Cas was starting to act like a girl but Cas didn't care. He was so happy; beyond happy living this life with Dean.
They made love often, sometimes rough and sometimes gentle, but always Cas was consumed by his desire. The passion between them never faulted; never dwindled.
They laughed, they fought, they grew and strengthened and each moment they spent together, their bond interwove into something indestructible. It amazed Cas to see how much they grew and how far they had come.
A rattle of the door and a stomp of boot, and Cas turned towards the sitting area just as Dean rounded the corner.
"Mmm," Dean groaned and threw his head back in a very sexually suggestive way, "pie." He made it sound like a holy amen.
"Well...it is your birthday," Cas said with a half-smile and Dean crossed the room to scoop the angel into his arms.
"Well happy birthday to me," he said with his lips whispering against Castiel's, and then he eased into a gentle kiss. It seemed as though his kisses were always the gentlest and most endearing when Castiel baked him pie.
Cas couldn't say how much time had passed, but a knock suddenly rattled the door and the two men pulled away to look into each other's eyes. Each one silently begged the question of the other.
Is the door for you? For me? There was only one person who knew where they lived.
"It must be Sam!" Castiel said with hope welling in his heart. Dean did not look so convinced. When Cas and Dean had moved into Bobby's old place, Sam had helped Dean removed his person effects from the Men of Letters bunker. It had given Cas hope that maybe they could rekindle what they had lost, but alas no word has come from Sam since then, and Dean was just too damn stubborn to make the call.
"Well, only one way to find out," Dean said and went for the door. Castiel turned with a smile on his face and pulled another dessert plate out of the cupboard. This was such great news. Sam finally coming back into their lives.
"...Cas?" Dean's voice carried unease from the door and Castiel paused. Frowning, he placed the plate with the others before going to his lovers side. Rounding the corner, Cas could see Dean holding the door ajar and outside in the dusk of day stood a small petite woman with curly brown hair, and soft doe eyes.
"I-Isabella?" Castiel sputtered. He barely recognized her.
"Hello brother," the girl said with a tilt of her head. Castiel's heart sank.
He invited her in, the angel wards snipped with tiny sewing sheers, and offered her some hot tea. She declined of course. Human food was an acquired taste. She settled into an armchair that Castiel had reupholstered with soft green leather because it reminded him of Bobby, and Cas and Dean crowded into the love seat adjacent to her. The couch usually was cozy on those nights the two men snuggled up to watch an action flick, or talk about their plans for the house, but on that evening their close proximity felt somewhat embarrassing. Castiel refused to be ashamed in front of his little sister.
With everyone settled, Castiel waited for Isabella to speak. She smiled at him warmly but an angel smile never touches the eyes.
"It's so good to see you again, brother," the tiny woman said as she gently clasped her hands in her lap. He would think her attractive if not for the stark contrast of her large nose in her small pinched face.
"Why are you here, Isabella?" Castiel asked flatly. He was in no mood for angel false pleasantries. Isabella smiled again and turned her attention to picking a stray hair from her skirt.
"God has returned to heaven," She said frankly, and Castiel blinked in surprise. "He asked that I come to retrieve you."
"Retrieve me?" Castiel repeated. His mind whirled with the implications of what that meant.
"He wants all the angels to return to heaven that have found a home here on earth." Isabella said with a shrug and Castiel let out a breath he didn't know he was holding. A mass angel recall couldn't mean that his father's intentions were directed specifically at him, could it?
"For how long?" Castiel asked. He wondered if he could delay his shopping at the market a few days. It should be okay so long as he was able to fix some reheat meals for Dean. It was Isabella's turn to blink in surprise.
"Why...forever, Castiel." Her eyes flicked to Dean for an instant before focusing back on Cas. "Our father wants his flock to return in its entirety and to rebuild what we have lost." Castiel swallowed hard and stilled a tremble that threatened to take control of his hand.
"And if I refuse?" Again her eyes flicked to Dean before focusing back on Cas and she offered a melancholy smile.
"It would be a really big loss to us all to not see you return," She said sincerely, and looked down at her skirt again. "However, God expected some might not want to return. It has been so long, after all." Pulling away from Dean, Cas rose to his feet and peered down at the little angel in front of him.
"What would you have me do?" He said, resigned.
"Give up your Grace," She said smiling up at him. "Cast down your wings. Renounce yourself an angel and you may remain here as a human." Her smile was triumphant. No angel in her mind would willingly sacrifice so much.
"Cas..." Dean began, formulating an argument, but Cas could tell he didn't want to say the words to will Cas away. And really, was there ever any question about what path he would choose? He has been a human before. The notion no longer frightened him.
Turning away from Isabella, Castiel opened the door to his home and went out into the night.
"Castiel!" Dean called after him. Two sets of footfalls followed him outside, but Castiel ignored them. He tugged at the shirt he was wearing and realized it was actually Deans. Grey and soft against his skin. Not wanting to ruin it, Cas pulled it over his head and then brought the shirt to his nose to smell the familiar scent of his lover.
Gently, like stretching stiff limbs, Castiel manifested his wings. He let them come into full existence so that Isabella and Dean both could see the brilliance of them. It felt so good to let them fill to full width. The cool night breezes fluttered his feathers and chills crept along his spine. Flexing them, stretching them, he gave his wings an experimental flap and the warm undercurrent of the air closer to the earth swirled up to caress his face. Castiel closed his eyes.
"Father," he said, tilting his face to the sky, "for so long I have wanted to meet you. I have wanted to gaze upon your magnificence and ask you the thousands of questions I long to have answered. Like what is my purpose? Where do I belong? What am I supposed to do? And yet...in your time of absence I have found my own answers to these questions and more. I belong with Dean. My purpose is to be here with Dean. If this exiles me from heaven...if you strip me from my rank and take my wings because I have chosen the path of free will, then so be it. But please...let me stay. Let me be with him." A breeze stirred around Castiel and he embraced the way it fluttered pinpoints of sensation against his feathers. Walking up to stand beside him, Isabella looked over at him sadly.
"You're a real idiot, you know that?" Was all she said and then in an instant she was gone. Castiel looked down to see the first feather fall. Another soon joined it.
"Castiel!" Dean cried out and he ran to the angels side. Reaching out, Cas took Dean's hands in his and they both looked down to watch black feathers fall like autumn leaves all around them. "What do we do? How do we stop it?" Dean asked frantically.
"We can't," Cas said sadly, and offered a smile of reassurance. He held his wings out for as long as he could. He wanted to feel the stretch and weight of them one last time before they were lost to him forever. And really was it so bad to be mortal once more? Last time he was terrified and hungry and alone. This time, he had Dean.
Castiel's left wing collapsed as the boning support snapped and turned to dust. In the same moment, Dean's face crumpled into open sobs.
"It's okay," Cas whispered through his smile, "it doesn't hurt, Dean."
Dean continued to cry as the last of Castiel's wings crumbled to the ground in a pile of feathers and ash. He cried as the glow of Castiel's Grace fell from him as well to join the rest before dissolving into the earth. He cried long after humanity settled in, unable to move, until Castiel took him into their home and held him close in their bed. Eventually both men fell asleep leaving the pie untouched. Hunter-no-more, angel-no-more. They only had each other now.
Age 43
Dean took the bottle of his empty beer and threw it against the wall. He was angrier than Cas had seen him in a long time, but Cas wasn't going to back down. Not with this.
"Dean, we are going. I am not debating this with you."
"The fuck we are. I don't even know this girl! He has some nerve, Cas. Some fucking nerve."
The wedding invitation had arrived that morning. The printing an elaborate scroll on thick cardstock. It was something they had invested a lot of time and effort into so Cas was certain this wasn't something Sam was doing on a whim. Cas had to wonder though, if the invitation in general could be given the same weight. Had Sam given it any thought at all? Planning to have it arrive on Dean's birthday? Or was it a casual knee jerk decision; expecting a regretful inability to attend by one wayward son and his plus one.
Cas had tried reaching out to Sam on Dean's behest. He even journeyed to the bunker one sunny day after telling Dean he had to work extra hours at the farmers market that day. But the bunker was sealed, the key unaccounted for, and the entrance concealed behind shrubs and sticks. Sam had gone lamb. That was, until today.
"Sam is reaching out to you, Dean, you have to go." Cas saw the way Dean worked his jaw through clenched teeth and closed the distance between them. Kneeling before the other man, Cas rested a hand against Dean's cheek. "Please," he said softly and Dean shrugged.
"Alright. Alright. I'll go." He pulled Castiel closer and drew him into a deep and tender kiss that made Cas's toes curl. Wonder of wonders, and pie wasn't even involved. "You'll send the response?" He asked and Castiel nodded.
"Good," Dean said with a weak smile and then looked away.
"Dean...talk to me. What's wrong?"
"I just..." Dean blinked and looked up at the ceiling. "I just thought if one of us ever got hitched, the other would be the best man, you know?" Cas looked at Dean for a moment and then his eyes fell to Deans hands.
"Maybe..." his voice sounded so small in his ears. "When you and Sam rekindle what you lost at this wedding, maybe...you and I could get 'hitched' as you call it, and Sam could be the best man for us."
"Cas..." Dean's hesitation stung but he gently lifted Cas's chin so that both men were eye to eye. "Cas are you asking me to marry you?" Cas tried to look away but Dean held firm to his face.
"I...I suppose I am," he said with a tremor in his voice. Dean just stared at him for a moment that felt like an eternity but then his face broke into a warm smile.
"I never considered myself the marrying type," he said with a quick arch of his brow, "but it's you Cas. It's only you. There is no one else for me. I love you, Castiel." Tears welled in Cas's eyes but he quickly scrubbed them away before pulling Dean against him in a longing embrace.
"In love you too, Dean, I love you so much, " he yammered on as he suddenly felt desperate to never let the other man go.
"Nothing fancy. We can do it out back here so everyone can see that amazing garden of yours."
"Yes, anything you say. Anything you want."
"I'm not quite sure how this whole guy marriage thing works. Who takes whose last name?" Dean said with a laugh. He nuzzled his nose against Castiel's neck.
"Dean, I don't have a last name," Castiel said, pulling away to look at the most amazing man he has ever been blessed to know. Dean brought his smile to rest upon Cas's forehead in a kiss.
"Then I guess this will make you a Winchester."
Age 44
"Please Dean. Please...please don't do this."
"Stop it, Cas," Dean muttered as he pulled the dust thick tarp away from his car. Baby still shone from the care he gave her, but he hadn't drove her since he stopped hunting. Cas glanced over at Sam who stood a few feet away. When the two Winchester's rekindled their brotherly bond, Cas couldn't have been more excited, but he never imagined that this would happen. Not this.
"Sam," Cas began, his face withered in despair, "talk to him, please." Sam looked down at his feet and his mouth twisted against words he wouldn't say. Castiel tried again. "Please..." Dean slammed the trunk of his car and whirled on Cas.
"Enough! Okay? Just stop it!" Cas glanced down to see the gun in Dean's hand.
"Dean..."
"I'll be fine, stop worrying."
"But what if something happens to you? I can't heal you!" His voice fell to a quivering whisper. "I can't protect you."
"Look," Dean said and stepped closer, "this isn't a hunt. This is revenge. What they did to Garth...no one does that to a hunter. I don't care what he's become."
"But a whole pack," Castiel whispered, despair clinging to each word. "I can't lose you Dean. I can't live without you." Cas reached out and clung to Dean's jacket sleeve.
"Just let me go, Cas, I'll be back before you know it."
"Dean..." Castiel keened and he pulled Dean towards him.
"Let me go!" Dean snapped and he shoved Cas hard against his shoulder. Cas stumbled backwards, shock and hurt transfixed his face as he watched his lover back away. "Just let me go," Dean repeated, softly. Castiel's hurt a mirror reflection on his face. Dean turned and walked to his car. Cas looked at Sam who shyly made his way to the passenger side of the vehicle.
"Uh...sorry Cas," Sam said with an uncomfortable shrug. Somewhere in the night, he had a wife who had to let him go too. "I'll look out for him, okay?" And then he vanished into the car as well.
For a moment Cas thought the dumb thing wouldn't start, but then it roared to life, the engine sputtering on stale gas, and Dean pulled away from the house.
Cas didn't know his legs gave out until his knees scraped against the gravel driveway. He sat and watched the red taillights of the Impala until they winked out from the distance. Then he sat longer, hoping to see headlights returning. But none came.
Age 45
"You're not supposed to see the bride before the wedding," Dean said gruffly.
"Is that you, or me?" Castiel said with a smile. Dean had his back turned, examining his suit in the mirror, and Castiel took the moment to jerk his tie askew. Dean always looked amazing in a suit, but today was different. Perhaps it was the splash of green on his fitted vest, or the way his hair still looked kissed by the sun even in the middle of fall.
When Dean turned to smile at Cas, he almost felt like his heart was going to beat out of his chest.
"You look amazing," he breathed and Dean threw his head back and laughed. He was absolutely beaming and Cas could feel himself swoon. Looking Cas over, Dean appraised him appreciatively.
"You're not so bad yourself, angel," he said, "I hope you don't mind me calling you that." Cas shook his head. He didn't mind at all.
Closing the space between them, Dean reached up to straighten Castiel's tie, and Cas leaned over to kiss him. Their lips touched ever so briefly, Dean momentarily caught off guard, but quickly he pulled away from Cas's caress leaving only the warmth of his breath against Castiel's face.
"You know we can't do that!" Dean scolded, "it's bad luck or something." Castiel smiled at this wonderful sensitive man who tried so hard to be tough but really was as vulnerable as a child sometimes.
"I can't wait to marry you," Castiel whispered. Dean smiled.
"And a porcupine," was his response. Cas blinked in confusion.
"What?" He asked. Dean tilted his head, just as confused.
"What?" Was his response. Assuming this was some kind of human humor that still eluded him. Castiel sighed.
"Come on, they are waiting for us. It's time to, as you put it, get hitched" A smile overtook Dean's face again.
"If we don't know which one of us is the bride, who is going to get walked down the aisle?" Dean teased and Castiel returned his smile.
"We will walk each other down the aisle, my soon-to-be husband." Dean studied Cas's face for a moment and then leaned in to kiss him.
"Bad luck!" Cas hissed and Dean threw his hands up in mock exacerbation.
"Come on! Let's go get hitched already, I need to get laid!"
They walked into the sunlight of a clear fall day smiling at eachother as though there was nothing else in the world. The small group of friends and coworkers cried out "aww" almost in unison and then chuckled at their chorus. Dean and Cas only saw each other, only heard each other, as they walked arm in arm to where Sam stood waiting for them. Sam was the only member of their wedding party.
The officiant, a local pastor from Sioux Falls, began the ceremony and the crowd grew hushed. Castiel's heart fluttered in his chest as he looked over at Dean, and he nervously tugged at the hem of his blue vest. They had come so far, Dean and him, and overcome so many obstacles. Standing there, it felt as though everything was worth it. They reached a point where nothing could stand between them anymore.
"The couple has written their own vows which they would like to share with you today," the pastor said and Castiel tried to swallow at the thickness in his throat. It seemed every time he got emotional his throat threatened to collapse on him.
Cas spent a long time writing his vows, but not as long as Dean. His lover worked with pen and paper for months and Cas was both terrified and elated to hear the end result. Calmly reaching into his jacket pocket, Cas produced a small paper he filled with his delicate cursive scrawl and he cleared his throat to prepare to read.
"Since the moment that I saved you from perdition, I know that I was destined to be by your side. And while we have certainly had our share of obstacles; sometimes others, sometimes ourselves. ..I never gave up on you. I never stopped fighting for you. I never doubted my love for you. And I know now that I never will. You are everything that completes me, and I thank you for being apart of the rest of my life." More endearing sounds from the crowd behind them, and a few friends clapped as well. Cas glanced past Dean to where Sam stood smiling at him, and he felt warmed by the silent acceptance of his friend. Not only was Cas gaining a husband, he was gaining a brother. His only human brother which made him just as special as Dean. Then Cas cautiously looked at Dean.
Dean, the only love he has ever known, had a single tear slip down the length of his cheek. His eyes swam with emotion; with happiness, and Castiel smiled to see him this way.
"Dean, do you have some words you would like to share?" The pastor asked and Dean startled a bit. He glanced around and then fished into his pockets.
"Uh...yeah. Right." Producing a folded piece of paper, Dean pulled it open and then cleared his throat as he studied the words. His eyes scanned the page, top to bottom, left to right. Suddenly confusion played across his features, and a cold dread Castiel could not quite understand clutched at his heart.
"Dean?" He ventured and Dean looked up at him. For a moment he had a stricken panicked look in his eyes, but recovered quickly with a sly smile.
"I'm no good at this emotional stuff, Cas. Sam, would you?" He held out the paper and Sam took it with a gentle smile. Cas could see the confusion he tried to hide behind that smile, but Cas hoped all of this was just nerves. What else could it be? Sam cleared his throat and held the paper before him.
"Dear Castiel," he began and a few chuckled softly at the endearing simplicity of Dean's vows. "You always like to talk about rescuing me. You say 'when I rescued from perdition, I promised to always look out for you, or 'when I rescued from perdition, you promised to always do the dishes.'" The laughter grew at this and Castiel tried to ignore his blush. He had said that once, but it didn't work. Dean still refuses the dishes.
"But what you don't talk about," Sam went on, "is how you didn't just rescue me, you saved me. In that moment when I first saw you and stabbed a knife into your heart," a few more chuckles at this, "I knew that you were different. I knew you weren't going to die or run or turn on me, and yeah. While you have actually done all of these things, you always came back. All the sacrifices you made for me..." Cas looked at Dean, their eyes connecting in the space between then, "all the times you could have given up but never did..." taking a step towards Dean, he chuckled when Dean immediately did the same thing "...I wouldn't have blamed you for not sticking around and yet here you are..." Reaching out, Castiel offered his hands and Dean took them in his own "...marrying a Winchester..." Cas pulled him closer still and their lips sought each other's familiar taste "...and I couldn't be happier."
The crowd cheered even before the pastor announced husband and husband, and Cas was moved by the moment. He reached out and plucked the note out of Sam's hand before Dean grabbed his other arm and whisked him away to the house. Castiel would not be surprised if Dean had intentions on consummating their marriage before the reception even began. And Cas couldn't be happier as well.
Age 46
Castiel stared at the man behind the desk in front of him. His head was spinning, his ears were ringing, and his stomach threatened to relieve itself of the egg white omelet he had consumed that morning. Beside him, Dean slouched in his chair and stared at his hands.
Words like inoperable, terminal, and tumor bounced around Castiel's mind but left him numb to comprehension. The slip up of words, Dean's sporadic inability to read, the way his one pupil dilated more than the other...these were all signs that something sinister was growing inside Dean's brain. A monster far stronger than either of them faced before: cancer. Castiel worked moisture into his mouth with some effort.
"How..." his voice broke and he cleared his throat before starting again. "How long do we have...until..." The doctor shrugged and looked exceedingly uncomfortable.
"It's hard to say for certain, Mr. Winchester. With the cancer this advanced, he could last a few months up to a year. I wouldn't give him much beyond that."
"I am still sitting here, you know," Dean said coldly but the doctor only shrugged.
"Of course," was his reply as though that fixed everything. Castiel glanced at Dean and figured that this was about as much as the man could take. Any more, and Dean would fly over the desk and deck the guy. Getting to his feet, Castiel thanks the doctor for his time, and Dean was already out the door when Cas turned to go.
"Mr Winchester," the doctor called after Cas and he looked back at the man over his shoulder. "Try to make him as comfortable as you can. I provided you with information on hospice services in the paperwork I gave you. I highly recommend you contact them now. Things... can get bad near the end."
Cas swallowed and nodded solemnly at the doctor before turning to leave the room. This wasn't fair. Dean was still so young. They were supposed to have decades ahead of them. He just couldn't believe it would end this way.
Then Cas recalled how Dean was unable to read his wedding vows the previous year. He thought about how Dean's words jumble together or he says things that don't make sense at all. Cas's chest clenched like he was in a vice.
Walking back to the car where Dean waited for him, Cas paused at a trash receptacle. He took the paperwork the doctor had given him and tossed it in the trash. No one would touch Dean but him.
They drove home in silence, and when Castiel offered Dean his traditional birthday pie, Dean just pushed it around his plate.
"Dean...can we talk about this?" Cas offered and Dean just shrugged.
"Nothing can be done so no sense talking about it."
"Nothing in the medical sense!" Cas said, suddenly frustrated at Dean's acceptance of his fate. "But we have other friends, don't we. Some angels might still be loyal to me, they could heal you!"
"No!" Dean shouted and he lifted his head to look at Castiel. "Do not get them involved in this, Cas. They will use me to get to you. Nothing good comes of angels helping." Cas wanted to argue the point but Dean seemed pretty decided.
"Then a demon contract. I get ten years, and I have more than one with you."
"You don't have a soul, Cas, and even if you did, I would never let you become food for the hell hounds." Cas shook his head.
"There has to be something..."
"There is nothing," Dean retorted.
"Maybe if I talk to Sam, he can do some research and-"
"Don't get Sam involved in this!" Dean shouted.
"Why not!" Cas shouted back and rose to his feet. "He has a right to know!"
"Why? So he can watch me die again? Trust me when I say that he and I have had our fill of that."
"Dean! You can't do this," Castiel said, wringing his hands.
"Cas-"
"I can't lose you!" The shout echoed around the room, leaving Cas with his ears ringing and his heart on his sleeve. Tears welled and spilled over only to be replaced with new while Cas struggled to understand what Dean was thinking. Why was he giving up?
"If I was still an angel..." his voice low and shaky.
"Yeah, well you're not," Dean said flatly and Cas winced. "Cas...I have died a lot of times. This demon, that monster, those angels...they all want me dead. Well I'm sick of it. I'm sick of dying and coming back and dying again. I thought what we had here was good. And it was...it was real good, Cas. But now my own brain is telling me it's time to go. So...it's time to go." Cas closed his eyes and fought to hold back his tears. None of this was fair for either of them, and while it didn't make sense to him, Cas had to accept this decision Dean made.
"What do you want me to do, Dean?" Cas asked softly.
"Stay," Dean said just as quietly and he held out his hand towards the other man. "I want you to stay with me until the end. Will you do that for me, Cas?" Cas bit at his lower lip and nodded. Unable to form the words without choking through each syllable, he took Dean's hand and eased into the hunters embrace.
It never crossed his mind that he would do anything but stay until the end.
Age 47
"Happy birthday, Dean," Cas said with a smile as he stood at the entrance to the room.
"C-Cas?" Dean's voice was fragile and barely above a whisper. He turned his head slowly to the direction of Cas's voice. Cas entered the room that they had once shared and wrapped his hands around Dean's cold fingers.
"You remember me today," he said warmly and brought those fingers to his face. Since Dean lost his sight, Cas insisted the man explore his face every day. With all his memories fading, Castiel wants him to at least remember the man that he loved. "I have a surprise for you," Cas said teasingly and he guided Dean's fingers to be his eyes. He lowered the fingers towards his collar, and hooked one loosely over his crooked tie. Dean gasped.
"You're an angel again!" Castiel laughed at this, but was pleased that Dean remembered so much. There were days that Dean was nothing more than an animal. Incapable of speaking, too weak to get out of bed, he would thrash in his incontinence and strike Cas if he came within arm's reach to help him.
Other days, Dean knew the full weight of what he had become and in those days he would beg Cas to kill him. Cas refused, not wanting to do anything that might jeopardize Dean getting into heaven. One horrible time, Cas misplaced a bottle of pain killers and Dean almost did it himself. Cas called Sam in a panic and his brother-in-law rushed over with charcoal for Dean's stomach. That was how he discovered what his brother had become.
It had all happened so fast, and when Cas thought it could not possibly get worse, it always did. Sam was angry, but not surprised Dean wanted him kept in the dark. He also accepted a lot more quickly than Castiel that Dean didn't want supernatural influences to affect his death. Since that time, Sam had helped care for Dean which was good because Castiel needed to maintain some level of employment to get all the medical supplies Dean needed. The hospital bed was the hardest, but Dean needed it desperately when he became bed bound and so they found a rental company to supply most everything he needed.
When once Cas thought about how to please Dean sexually or how to say the right thing to get him to laugh, now Cas worried about turning him regularly to avoid bed sores. Skin integrity, hygiene. He wiped Dean with cleansing wipes and shaved his face loosely so he had just that edge of scruff how he liked it. Cas moved his ankles to avoid contractures, and gave him food with a spoon. He brushed Dean's teeth. He clipped Dean's toe nails. He monitored Dean's headaches which ranged from a mild throb to a pain so severe he once screamed "kill me" for two hours straight.
As the symptoms intensified, Sam came around less and less; offering his money instead of his time. It didn't matter. Castiel promised he would see this through to the end and he would.
"No, Dean, I'm not an angel," Cas said with a chuckle. He hoped this might be one of Dean's better days. "I just thought I'd slip into the old uniform. Do you remember it?"
"Yeah," Dean said softly and he lifted his other hand to place weak fingers against the tie. He struggled a moment but Cas waited to help him, and suddenly the tie slid back into place.
"Thank you," Cas said roughly as tears stung at his eyes.
"Don't be s...sad, angel," Dean whispered his hands slumped back on the bed.
"I'm not," Cas said solemnly.
"Sh...she said...you're...crying." His breaths seemed more labored than before. Cas looked around the room.
"Who said that, Dean?" Cas asked, curious to what memory he was lost in this time.
"The...angel...you...b-brought with..." Cas suddenly looked around the room trying to take everything in at once.
"That's not an angel Dean, that's a reaper!" Glancing over to the dresser, Castiel saw his sewing sheers in a bowl of his things. He lunged for them and used the blade to cut into his skin.
"Don't go near him!" Castiel screamed as he drew a circle against the warm honey hue of the wall in his blood. "Not like this. It's too soon! Not like this!" Quickly, he drew wards into the sigil to bind, to teleport, to confine. It worked on angels, he hoped it worked on reapers too.
"C-C-C..." Cas glanced at Dean and realized that he had slipped into a seizure.
"No!" Cas cried out and ran to the man he loved. Pulling the blankets away, Cas fought to keep Dean from tumbling off the bed.
"C-C..," the sound escaped through clenched teeth and Cas's fingers danced helplessly over the man. He didn't know what to do. He didn't know what to do.
"It's ok, Dean. Shh, it's ok. Please be ok. Please don't leave me. Dean... Dean..." The righteous man; the hunter-no-more, let one last breath escape him in the exertion, and then his body fell limp against the bed.
"Dean!" Cas cried out. "No no no no..." he listened for a heartbeat and heard none. Desperate, he pulled Dean from the bed and onto the floor. It was little effort, with how light he was, and Castiel needed the hard surface behind him. He started CPR. Thirty compressions, two breaths. Cas pumped his hands against Dean's chest.
"Dean -twenty two, twenty three-don't die- twenty five, twenty six- please." He worked until he drove his body to exhaustion, and then continued to work more until he collapsed over Dean's corpse.
Dean's corpse.
Realization hit home and Castiel lost himself in his tears. His body ached and trembled from pain, but he didn't care. He opened his mouth and wailed at the loss of everything he believed in. Everything he loved. Dean was gone. Nothing mattered any more.
Age 48
"You would have been forty eight today," Castiel said softly as he sat in front of a wooden cross he had hammered into the ground long ago. He had burned Dean's body, of course, which was what Dean would have wanted, but he needed a place to go and to remember the man. In this place, Castiel buried many of the items that Dean collected over the years that made him who he was. His magazines, his weapons, his music CDs... they are what Castiel prays to now. He just hoped that Dean could hear him.
The months after Dean's death, Cas prayed to his father until his voice gave out. He begged to return home and to find Dean in heaven, but silence was his only reply. His father had truly turned his back on Cas, and all he could do was give Dean's middle-finger-salute to the sky.
Resting against the nearby oak, Cas trailed his finger along the ridges of the makeshift grave marker. The shade was relaxing and a cooling breeze tickled his skin.
He had chosen this place specifically because this was where Dean would always sit and drink his beer while he watched Castiel garden. Cas definitely understood why. Letting his eyes slip shut, Castiel sought out sleep. His dreams were always filled with Dean. Healthy, vibrant Dean who smiled while he kissed Cas, and growled insensibly as he came inside him. That wonderful man who made Cas feel human long before he lost his wings.
"Hello, Cas," a voice swam towards him and Castiel opened his eyes to see Sam standing a few feet away, holding a small leather satchel. Cas blinked in surprise. In those dark bitter days when Cas was not praying to heaven, he was calling Sam. He must have left a hundred messages but Sam never picked up.
"I heard you have a daughter now," Cas said flatly. It was all he could think to say. Sam ducked his head sheepishly.
"Yeah, well. You know how life gets ahead of you," he said, but Castiel had no idea what that meant. It just sounded like one of those filter sentences that meant nothing at all. When there was no real excuse to explain away Sam's persistent abandonment.
"Why are you here?" Cas asked with a tilt of his head. Sam ignored the question and tilted his chin toward the cross in the ground.
"Did you bury him?" He asked.
"I burned him," Cas replied coldly. He really didn't want to say much more than that. Sam nodded absently, seemingly content with the response, and stepped closer to Castiel.
"I should have come sooner. I'm sorry I didn't, Cas. Really. I just...it was really hard, you know? His death...it was really hard." Cas couldn't argue that.
"Anyway, I came because I have something for you. Something from Dean."
"From Dean?" Castiel tried not to sound too eager, but couldn't cover the slight tremor in his voice.
"Do you remember that weekend we hunted those wolves that killed Garth? Well hunting wasn't the only thing we did. Dean wanted to do some research. Research pertaining to you, Cas."
"I don't understand what you mean," Cas said guardedly. Sam walked the remaining distance to the tree, and sat down. Reaching into his jacket, he pulled out a small stack of old papers that were torn out of a book, and hand them to Cas.
"What is this?" Cas asked, flipping through the pages.
"It's a spell to restore your Grace, Cas. Dean wanted this for you in case something happened to him." Cas turned and looked at Sam in surprise. Dean had planned this? Was it his idea that they should reunite in heaven? Scanning over the ingredients, Castiel's heart sank. "It can't be done. This spell requires my angel feathers to work and I lost my wings a long time ago."
"Actually," Sam said as he pulled the small satchel onto his lap, "that particular ingredient is right here." He opened it and Cas gasped at the mound of black feathers within.
"They are from my wings?"
"Yup," Sam said with a smile.
"He picked up every one?" Cas had assumed they had faded, or blew away, but here they were. Dean must have collected them that very night while Cas slept for the first time in years.
"Like I said, the spell doesn't require much, but the Latin involved was pretty extensive. It took me a while to figure it all out which is another reason I waited to bring this until now."
"Sam...you will stay and help me with the spell?" Cas asked nervously, but Sam just shrugged and nodded.
"The spell needs you to stand in the same place that you originally lost your wings. Do you know where that is?" Sam asked and Castiel got to his feet.
"I remember it precisely."
So the two men gathered an iron knife, and white two candles before going to the place where Castiel became a human. It was so odd that such a monumental spell required so little effort but Sam explained it was a restoring spell and not an angelic one. It might not work, but it might, and Castiel's heart raced with the possibility. To reach Dean, to see him again healthy and happy, it was all Cas wanted.
"You stood here?" Sam asked and Castiel checked the ground before nodding. Yes, this was the exact spot. Sam came forward and reached in the leather satchel to bring out handfuls of feathers which he scattered around Castiel.
"Do you know why he kept these?" Cas asked. Surly Dean could not have guessed that he would need them for a spell.
"He said...there wasn't a part of you he was willing to give up." Sam responded softly and Cas's love for Dean swelled to even greater heights.
Sam emptied the last of the feathers and then used the knife to draw a circle around all of it. He finished the circle with Enochian sigils which told Cas that this spell was dated back to the beginning of civilization. Setting the knife aside, Sam looked up at Castiel.
"Are you ready?" Cas nodded. He was ready for this a year ago. When Dean's life slipped through his fingertips. Sam sat close to the circle and placed the knife beside him and the two candles between them. The first he lit with a match.
Sam opened the pages he and Dean retrieved so many years ago, and Sam started to chant in Latin. While the spell was simple, it was long. Sam had to recite for the better part of half an hour before moving to the next stage, but he didn't complain and neither did Cas. They both were enthralled by the moment and the feeling of nostalgia. It was as though they were hunters once more.
Latin flowing from his lips, Sam leaned over the etched circle and plucked a single black feather from the ground. He held it over the candle flame until it caught, then distributed the fire to the other unlit candle. Castiel sucked air through his teeth. Something was happening. He could feel a slight shifting change. Sam blew out the second candle, and then reached out to pluck another feather to feed to the first flame. He did the task again and again as Latin flowed from his lips and Castiel shuddered from the sensations rippling across his body. Looking down, he could see that the ground was beginning to glow. His Grace, that he thought was lost to him so many years ago, merely laid dormant inside the earth's crust.
Sam picked up the knife and leaned over the circle to scoop a fragment of Grace onto the blade. Returning to the candles, he let the Grace fall into the second candle's flame. The Grace became a catalyst and suddenly the ground around Cas exploded with activity. Feathers rose on their own accord and fed themselves to one flame while Grace rose and shifted and fed itself to the other. The currents of energy became a visible force that churned in the air and twisted towards Castiel.
The rippling currents plunged into Castiel's chest and he gasped like a man whole just broke through the water.
His body came alive. Wings built around bones that were previously not there. Grace surged into his chest and burned blue behind his eyes. Castiel sighed and felt as though he just took down three fingers of scotch in one go.
He felt completed, he felt angelic, he felt like he was himself again. Closing his eyes, Cas smiled.
"Cas?" A voice called up to him.
"Dean," Cas breathed. The completion to his prayer. He opened him eyes and looked down to see Sam looking up at him. Cas frowned.
"Sorry...wrong Winchester." Although he could have sworn...
"It's ok," Sam said with a shrug and got to his feet. "I take it the spell worked?"
"Amazingly," Cas said and he offered Sam a genuine smile.
"So what are you going to do now?"
Cas looked up to the sky. "I'm going to heaven to find your brother," he said simply.
"Good. When you find him... call him a bitch for me," Sam said with a smile twitching his lips.
Castiel nodded and with a flap of his wings, he was gone.
End of part one.