ANNOUNCER: "The following ad was paid for by Sith Lords for Senate."
[An Imperial officer - Adequate Moff Plonkin - walks into view on stage.]
PLONKIN: "Hi, I'm Adequate Moff Plonkin, and I'm running for the Imperial Senate."
[As he speaks, Plonkin walks slowly across stage, and pictures appear next to him, illustrating his speech.]
PLONKIN: "You may have noticed what the Empire has been doing lately. We're doing what makes life safer."
[A photo appears, showing Plonkin addressing children under a banner that says, "1st Annual Lightsaber Safety Month".]
PLONKIN: "Things like putting a speed bump in the Kessel Run, because those hooligans need to slow down, before somebody gets hurt."
[A photo appears, showing Darth Vader and The Emperor digging the ceremonial first shovelful of dirt for the construction of a speed table.]
PLONKIN: "And we've organized an Adopt-A-Spaceway program to clean all the litter from local trade routes, since these numb-nuts keep dropping their shipments at the first sign of an Imperial cruiser."
[A photo appears, showing a road sign that says, "Adopt-A-Spaceway, next 2 parsecs, thanks to Sith Scouts of Dantooine".]
PLONKIN: [agitated] "Really, what's up with that? It's not like they don't have a choice, we hardly ever even board them! Let's face it, Stormtroopers are the most incompetent law enforcement agency since the Teletubbies! They're lonely people, craving even the smallest amount of human contact! I mean, what is their major malfunction? Give them a little wave and tell them they have the wrong person and they'll let you go about your business and move along! They're useless!"
[A photo appears, showing a sad, lonely Stormtrooper.]
PLONKIN: [sighs] "The point is this, do you want to be represented by some one-armed abominable snowman or do you want to be represented by a 20-year veteran of the Imperial officer corps? I've got a record of success. I've only lost five Death Stars under my command, I haven't been choked to death by Lord Vader yet, and I didn't get all these jolly ranchers stuck to my shirt for getting outsmarted by some pizza delivery guy and his pet sasquatch!"
[A photo appears, showing a wanted sign with a photo of Han Solo and Chewbacca that says, "Wanted for speeding, shooting first, and delivering Domino's Pizza".]
PLONKIN: "That's why I'm running for the Imperial Senate. Because I know: The Empire Cares."
[Photo appears, showing Imperial campaign slogan, "Vote for The Empire, The Empire Cares".]
PLONKIN: "So vote for me. And vote for the Empire. You won't right away regret it."
[END SCENE.]