Oh look. Here's another one of my not-very-well-known-but-I-hope-to-be-well-known oneshots. Heh... Well, basically this is just something to brighten your day. It's not meant to be taken seriously and is just meant for a laugh.
And another thing... I actually don't like Nutella that much. I just picked something that I knew everyone would love and could relate to. Call me a demon spawn for not liking Nutella, but I am a very picky eater.
It was a quiet night in the local Crystal Empire grocery shop. George Garnet, the owner of the store was closing up for the night. As he turned off the lights and locked up the doors, he headed out on to the sparkling streets of the Crystal Empire.
It was a moonless night, worrying George a little. Even though the empire had a low crime rate, there could still be robbers waiting in the shadows. He was carrying his fair share of today's profits in his coat pocket. Since he had no means to protect himself, he would be an easy target.
The pomegranate-colored pony suddenly ran into a rock-hard surface, throwing him backwards and scattering his loose change on to the streets. He looked up and saw a hooded figure that was much taller than him.
"Oh, sorry sir." George apologized, quickly standing back up again. He chuckled nervously, "Didn't see you there!"
A low growl from the figure shook the pomegranate pony's insides before a demonic, guttural male voice spoke, "Where... Is... It...?"
George froze as stiff as stone, "Wha... Where is what?"
"THE WEAPON!" The stallion roared. A ring of green and purple magic closed itself around George's throat, slowly choking him.
"I...!" The dark red stallion choked, "I don't... Know...!"
"Your store!" The other stallion growled, "Take me to your store!"
The choking sensation suddenly let up around George's throat. He dropped to the ground, gasping for air. He looked up at the hooded stallion and gasped, seeing the demonic red pupils surrounded by a green sclera, glowing from under the shadow of the hoof. George was filled with fear, remembering the nightmares of being a slave to a cruel tyrant all those decades.
"You're...! You're...!" The crystal pony stuttered.
"I said take me to the store!" The stallion growled, "NOW!"
Now terrified of the hooded stallion, George slowly turned back to his store with the newcomer following close behind. Reaching the front door, George pulled out the key and unlocked it, allowing the stallion behind him to go ahead. The hooded figure quickly went into the store and used his magic to turn on the lights. He immediately went to the isle filled with different brands of peanut butter. Curious as to what was going on, George quietly followed the stallion to the isle.
The hooded stallion had lost his hood, proving George's assumption correct. He was missing his usual attire of silver armor and a red cape. His coat was dark gray in appearance, and his curved horn was tipped with red. His eyes were just as they had appeared when he was wearing the hood, except the purple mist flowing from his eyes was now visible.
George gulped and thought to himself, King Sombra.
Sombra threw various jars of peanut butter off the shelves and behind him. He seemed very keen on finding a certain type of peanut butter.
"Um..." George began timidly, "Do you need help finding something, King Sombra sir?"
"No!" The gray unicorn growled, intentionally throwing a jar of peanut butter at the stallion, only for him to avoid it, "I know exactly what I'm looking for!"
Thirty minutes later...
"I have no idea what I'm looking for!" Sombra roared. His hooves were covered in peanut butter where the jars had broken open and spilt out.
George gulped and slowly approached, "Maybe I could be of assistance...?"
Sombra glared at the pomegranate stallion, "Fine then... I am looking for something called Nut-ella."
George cocked an eyebrow, "Nut-ella?"
"Do not mock me, fool!"
George flinched, "I... I think you mean Nutella."
"I know what I mean, and I know it is pronounced Nut-ella!" Sombra roared, "Now where is it?!"
George began to sweat before pointing a hoof at the shelf right next to the peanut butter shelf, "Right there..."
Sombra whipped around, immediately spotting the "Nut-ella". He appeared to be blushing from stupidity, but quickly hid it. He picked up the jar and examined it. His smile grew, seeing it was the the thing he was looking for.
"Yessss..." The ex-king licked his lips, "This is exactly what I need..."
Without another word, Sombra grabbed his cloak and the jar of hazelnut spread, and headed out the door. George was left in a state of shock, unsure of what to do after seeing the evil king steal a jar of Nutella.
...What just happened?
Sombra galloped through the empty streets of the Crystal Empire, making sure to keep his identity hidden with his cloak. He was heading towards the beautiful castle that loomed over him. He had the Nutella tucked under his foreleg, careful to make sure he didn't lose it.
Sombra approached under the raised castle. There, directly underneath was a beautiful, sparkling heart of crystal. It was guarded by two Crystal Pony guards with spears in their hooves. Sombra quickly hid in a cluster of bushes near by to avoid being spotted. He had heard from a couple of Crystal Ponies that the Crystal Heart could only be destroyed by slathering it with Nutella. It would crack in half and lose all of its power, leaving the Crystal Ponies defenseless and allowing Sombra to come back and take over. He couldn't wait to see the look on prissy Princess Cadance's face when she realized that he had returned and destroyed the Crystal Heart.
Sombra waited for the guards to switch out. This is when they would be at their weakest and least prepared for his attack. He would knock them out, slather the Heart with Nutella, then wait for the hazelnut spread to work its magic. While waiting, Sombra absentmindedly screwed open the top and stuck his hoof into the creamy substance. He licked the spread off his hoof and purred with satisfaction.
No wonder so many equines enjoy this! He thought, This is better than crystal sandwiches!
Sombra raked another dollop of the spread out of the jar and stuck it into his mouth. He licked his lips and went for more. Finally, while Sombra had a mouthful of Nutella shoved in his mouth, the two guards switched out with two others. He was about to jump out of the bushes and attack, but he sadly realized...
He was out of Nutella. He had eaten it all in the entire amount of time he had been sitting there.
Curse my hunger! Sombra growled, Now I must go get some more and wait even longer!
George Garnet tried for the second time to lock-up in peace. He had left the peanut butter isle in disarray, mainly because he wanted to get home after the unwanted meeting with the scourge of the Crystal Empire himself. The last thing he wanted was to meet with him again.
However, his prayers were ignored. As soon as he turned around, he found himself nose-to-nose with the same scourge.
"SWEET BABY CELESTIA ALMIGHTY!" George jumped back and nearly broke through the front doors of his store. Sombra was once again standing in front of him with his hood down. The evil king threw an empty jar of Nutella down in front of the terrified pony.
"More..." He hissed.
George gulped, "Uh... There's more in the store..."
Sombra didn't wait. He took the key from George and unlocked the door. He ran to the peanut butter isle, grabbed another jar of Nutella, then ran out, nearly squishing George under his large hooves. George sat up, still shaking with fear. He had no idea how he was going to explain to his wife and kids why he was late getting home.
Sombra sat in the bushes, watching the guards with the patience of a lion stalking its prey. The jar of Nutella sat squarely under his hoof in hopes of keeping it from tempting him to eat it. They usually switched out every two hours to allow each of the two guards to rest. It had taken Sombra an hour to run back to the store, get another Nutella, then run back. It would be another hour before they switched out again.
Sombra waited.
And waited.
And waited.
And waited.
Thirty minutes went buy and Sombra's stomach growled. He looked to the jar of Nutella with a smile on his face.
No! He told himself, Must resist! Must... Not... Eat...
Sombra's hoof went to the lid of the jar. Slowly, he began to unscrew the lid and lift it off. He licked his lips and didn't hold back in eating the delicious hazelnut spread.
Let's try this again...
George Garnet attempted for a third time to lock-up. He was quickly interrupted with a pair of grabby hooves snatched the keys from him and quickly went into the store.
By this time, George was more annoyed than scared, "Seriously?"
As Sombra walked out of the the store, he glared at the owner of said store, "Yes seriously! I must become the ruler of the Crystal Empire again! This Nut-ella will help me!"
George raised an eyebrow, seeing the hazelnut spread all over the king's face, "It seems more so that you are ruling your stomach than the Crystal Empire."
Sombra bared his teeth, "Do not get smart with me, fool! Or I'll employ you as the royal hoof masseur!"
The annoyance changed to fear once again for George, "Sorry, King Sombra sir." He watched as the unicorn galloped away, this time taking a bag of Nutella with him.
Sombra snacked on a jar of Nutella while he waited for the guards to switch out again. This time, even if he did eat a few jars, he still had plenty that he could eat ten of them and still have some left over. There was no way he would be able to eat them all before the guards switched out.
About an hour later, the guards began their process of switching out. Sombra smiled and grabbed a jar of Nutella that he hadn't eaten. He jumped out of the bushes dramatically, startling the new guards greatly.
"Ah! King Sombra!" One of them screamed. They both pointed their spears at him, only for him to push them aside and and head for the Crystal Heart.
Sombra lifted up the Nutella and unscrewed the lid. He took a dollop of the hazelnut spread for himself, then slathered the rest on the Crystal Heart. With his work finished, he sat down and enjoyed the rest of the Nutella. Both guards stared at him with disbelief.
Slowly, the first guard lifted a walkie-talkie to his mouth, "Captain Armor... We've got a situation..."
"What is it?" A strong, but young male voice spoke on the other line.
"It appears that King Sombra just covered the Crystal Heart with Nutella and is now sitting under it and eating that same Nutella..."
"Wait, who covered it?!"
"King Sombra, sir..."
"Hold on! Me and the princess will be there momentarily!"
The guards simply stood there in shock, watching Sombra wolf down the Nutella like a crazed animal.
"Your efforts are futile," Sombra said, "The Crystal Heart shall be broken by the delicious hazelnut spread! I shall regain my powers and take over once again!"
The guards exchanged glances before the second one spoke to the first one.
"I think he mighta literally lost his mind in that explosion..."
About five minutes later, two newcomers arrived, Princess Cadance and her husband, Prince Shining Armor. They were the rightful rulers of the Crystal Empire, which was something Sombra could not accept.
"King Sombra!" Cadance exclaimed, "But we destroyed you! How are you still alive?!"
"Arf far thur maf cath sar." Sombra grumbled, his mouth full of the hazelnut spread.
Shining Armor growled, "Why don't you speak Equestrian, you creep?!"
"Amf sfeefin efefeian!" Sombra babbled, shoving another hoof-full of Nutella into his mouth.
Cadance and Shining exchanged glances, unsure of how to handle the situation. Luckily, Sombra did finally swallow his Nutella and push it aside. He approached the two, probably trying to appear intimidating, but it was hard to fear him with the hazelnut spread all over his face.
"I have finally found the secret to destroying my only weakness." Sombra said. He held up the empty jar of Nutella, "This! The deliciousness of Nutella will weaken the Crystal Heart's exterior and break it, weakening your only defense against me! I can take over and rule the Empire as it was meant to be!"
"Are you mental?!" Shining demanded, about to attack, but Cadance held him back.
"Sombra, you do realize that's just a silly rumor, right?" She asked him.
Sombra laughed, "Oh really? Then why do I hear the sound of a crystal cracking?"
One of the guards immediately put his bag of "Crystal Crunchies" away. He blushed brightly, hoping that no one had noticed him eating them. The cracking crystal noise stopped almost immediately.
Sombra sighed, "I seriously went through all of that just to be told it wouldn't work?"
Cadance shrugged, "There was a time when the Crystal Empire was weak to Nutella. We think it might have built immunity to it, so Nutella doesn't work on it anymore. Ramen however..."
Sombra's eyes widened as he suddenly threw down the jar of Nutella and ran back to George's grocery store.
Shining Armor glanced at Cadance, "Why did you tell him what the Crystal Heart's weakness is?"
Cadance gave a trollish smile, "I didn't. Ramen won't work either."
Shining smiled slyly, "Ah, I see what you're doing..."
"Making him go on a wild goose chase," Cadance replied, "After all, he deserves it."