Disclaimer: The Walking Dead doesn't belong to me unfortunately. If I did Daryl and Carol would have gotten together by now!

AN: Thanks to Kelly and Coreen for reading through this. Thanks also to everyone who has PM'ed regarding my Burn Notice stories. I do intend to come back soon.

A woman was judged on her abilities rather than her looks nowadays, and she'd been fine with that aspect of the apocalypse...but when the new blonde managed to turn Daryl's head, those old feelings of inadequacy found their way inside her mind, and they just wouldn't let her go.

Torn

There was something about the way the new Oceanside woman seemed to hone in on Daryl that made Carol apprehensive. She had never once doubted the bond she shared with him, and since Negan's defeat, she had agreed to stay for a while, not just to help the others regroup, but because Daryl had asked her to stay. Since their reunion a few months ago, their relationship had changed. She had always felt something for him but she'd never been able to pinpoint it down to just one thing. Yes, she loved him; there was no denying that...but there were so many different kinds of love. Daryl wasn't the kind of man who declared his feelings easily; if he ever declared them at all...but he showed her in the only ways he knew how, and that had always been enough for her.

The two of them had made some progress in reestablishing their relationship. They had begun to bridge the divide that had grown between them since their arrival in Alexandria, but they were taking one day at a time to rediscover their affection for each other. She missed the easy relationship they'd had at the prison. Back then she was so close to him. She'd teased him, loving how she was the only one he allowed to do it, but she had been so innocent in her own way. She hadn't had to kill the living to survive, and her conscience had been clear...however like everything in this new world, nothing good ever lasted for long. But despite all the blood, all the killing and carnage, Carol had hoped that maybe they would be ready take a step further and break through each other's insecurities...that they could explore the feelings that had bound them together for so many years… but that was before Tonia Martin arrived, seeking a new life at Alexandria.

The woman was in her late twenties, petite, blonde and beautiful. Carol hadn't felt so insecure about herself since before Ed had died, and she thought that those defeatist feelings had gone forever, dead and buried with the man who had put them there in the first place...but the arrival of the younger woman, and her interest in Daryl especially, rocked her to her very core.

Since busting them all out of Terminus, Carol had kept her distance as she watched silently, always feeling more like an outsider than a key member of this community. Every single day since, she felt her age; her aching muscles reminding her that she wasn't a young woman any more… Usually she would shrug those thoughts off, knowing that beauty was a thing of the past since the turn. A woman was judged on her abilities rather than her looks nowadays, and she'd been fine with that aspect of the apocalypse...but when the new blonde managed to turn Daryl's head, those old feelings of inadequacy found their way inside her mind, and they just wouldn't let her go.

She had seen the way his eyes followed the younger woman, and in all the years she had known him, she couldn't remember a time when he'd shown even the slightest interest in another woman. Maybe she was just feeling a little vulnerable and sorry for herself lately, but she had truly thought her place was secure in Daryl's life. Was it possible to be so wrong about something that she had been so sure of? In the last week since Tonia's arrival, she hadn't managed to get to talk to him on his own. There was always something going on or an important job to do...and maybe she was reading too much into it, allowing her own pity party to overwhelm her when there was really nothing to be worried about at all.

Carol gave herself a mental shake. She had no claim to Daryl...not really. As his friend she should be happy for him. She should be supporting the fact that he was lifting his head to see all of those around him, but she couldn't, not if it meant she would lose everything she'd fought so hard to keep hold of...but then again, things often changed and maybe she was always meant to be alone. She'd resigned herself to living a desolate life so many years ago. Marriage to Ed was a solitary affair, one that made her feel unlovable and not worth anyone's time or effort. It was ingrained inside her, a brandished burn that left its own scar over any kind of self confidence she'd had. That was until she'd met a shy, withdrawn redneck who hid himself behind a gruff attitude and pretended not to care.

Sighing heavily, Carol tried to distract herself by tending to the vegetable patch that she'd planted months before she'd left. The tomatoes were flourishing, some of them turning from green to red, and she couldn't help but feel some kind of small achievement that at least one aspect of her existence was flourishing. She was so engrossed in her task that she didn't hear the soft footsteps approaching until it was far too late.

"You're Carol," a soft voice spoke behind her, causing her to spin around to stare into the blue eyes of the woman who had stirred up her inner turmoil. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to startle you."

"Uh...no, it's okay." Carol muttered, plastering a fake smile onto her face. "What can I do for you?"

"Oh, I was talking to Rick about finding a job for me and he sent me to you," she smiled. "He thought I could maybe help you with food preparation since I'm going to stay here now."

Rick...Carol silently cursed his name. Was the man completely clueless when it came to her? She was beginning to wonder if he had ever really known her at all. Her heart sank a little inside her chest when she realised what this all meant.

"You're staying?" Carol asked softly, hoping her voice didn't betray the loss she could already feel encompassing her. "That's great. We can always use the extra help around here."

"That's what Daryl said too," Tonia grinned happily, completely missing the light dim in the older woman's eyes. "I really think this place is going to work out for me, you know."

"Uh...yeah, that's good…" Carol stuttered as she forced the ball of emotion to the back of her throat, to smile pleasantly. "Well, I don't really do much in the way of preparing meals anymore. I do cook on occasion though...but if you go and see Tara, she's in more of a position to tell you where you'll be most needed."

Tonia followed her gaze and looked towards the house Carol shared with the rest of her family. Nodding quickly, Tonia turned back towards the older woman and smiled brightly and Carol couldn't help but like her. It wasn't her fault that she was going through the issues she'd created herself.

"Thanks, Daryl told me you were a great cook when I had dinner with him and Tara yesterday. He said you make the best cookies," Tonia grinned as she stepped away, but she stopped and turned back around.

"Is there something else?" Carol asked, willing the younger woman to walk away. She wasn't ready to hear about dinner dates or anything else related to Daryl's obvious interest in the younger woman.

"You're the one who killed Negan."

The statement threw her for a moment, and Carol wondered why Tonia felt the need to mention it. It wasn't just her that took him down; she wasn't some kind of one woman army like some people had made her out to be.

"Well it was more of a joint effort," Carol quipped, a smile lifting her lips as she spoke. "We all played a part in bringing that psychopath down."

"But it was your shot that killed him?"

She could feel her heart thumping in her ears as she tried to control her trembling hands. From her standpoint behind an overturned car, she could see him, Negan...brandishing that damn bat. When he moved to the side, pacing between the three prisoners he goaded, her eyes focussed on their faces, and it was all she could do to not scream out to the men he had kneeling before him. Daryl, stared up at the man defiantly, curling his lip in a snarl as he practically dared him to swing the bat. Rick knelt by his side, his eyes wide and staring, shock registering on his face. The third person she couldn't see until Negan turned again, and she gasped in a breath when she saw who was kneeling beside Rick...Carl... She knew she couldn't wait any longer, it was now or never. The man she loved...the family she loved, they were there, facing death in the face and she needed to act. Pulling herself a little higher, she lifted her rifle and aimed, pointing it towards her target as she held her breath. She squeezed the trigger as a calmness came over her, unblinking when the crack echoed around her in the air, as the bullet shot from the gun. The next few seconds passed in a blur as the back of Negan's head exploded and the bat tumbled to the ground with a loud thump...his lifeless body following seconds later…

"I had a lot of help," Carol nodded, swallowing at the lump in her throat when she thought of how close she had come to losing her family again. "Go and see Tara...she'll help you."

The young woman grinned brightly, her cheeks blushing slightly as she turned away, and Carol found herself watching her as she left. Maybe she was letting her insecurities get the better of her, but there were still so many issues she hadn't dealt with yet. So much hurt and pain had been left to fester, and maybe it was time to deal with it before she made up her mind whether to stay or go back to her solitary life.

As she lifted the tomatoes on the vine, her mind flashed back to the time when Rick had cast her out. He'd tossed her aside and accused her of being a danger to his children...her...the woman who had kept Judith safe and was forced to kill another child to keep her that way. Part of her couldn't let go of the anger towards him...yes, she smiled and took care of her family, but those feelings of hurt still lingered deep down inside her. Maybe she should just walk away again. Maybe it would be for the best now that Negan and the saviours were gone. She could go back to that old house and make a life for herself. The seeds she'd planted before she'd left should have sprouted by now. She could grow her own food and be self sufficient there, and she could live her life in solitude without having to feel anything.

Lifting her head towards Daryl's bike, she could already feel her eyes stinging with tears. Could she leave him again? He'd been so attentive towards her since her return, and she felt more drawn to him now than she had in a very long time...but he still kept her at arm's length, and she could have lived with that, she really could, but seeing his reaction to the new woman who bore a slight resemblance to Beth, she couldn't shake the despair away. From his response to Beth's death, she knew there was something that went far deeper than he'd admitted, and part of her was afraid to push him on it for fear of hearing something she wasn't ready to hear. This was her karma, she knew it. She had taken refuge in another man who didn't mean anything to her, and she was now paying the price for that mistake. She'd hurt so many people without ever meaning to.

So she needed to make a choice...stay or go...and no matter how many pros and cons she weighed up in her mind, every single one led to even more heartache. She didn't know what to do anymore. Taking in a shaky breath, she swiped at her eyes and was suddenly thankful that no one else had come to find her yet. She needed this solitude to sort through the mess in her head, and she couldn't do that with everyone talking around her.

Getting to her feet, she rolled her shoulders against the ache that had settled around her body. In the two months since the end of the war, she still had bruises and jagged wounds that hadn't properly healed. Lifting her shirt she glanced down at the crude home made poultice on her stomach, poking gingerly at the dressing covering the still weeping wound. She'd managed to hide it from everyone so far, determined not to use any more of Alexandria's resources since she'd returned. After all, she still wasn't sure she was staying around.

She knew she needed antibiotics, but since the war they were in even less supply, so she'd chosen the natural remedy she'd used in the past when Ed's brutality had left her covered in jagged cuts. She was almost out of the honey she'd been smearing over the wound though, so she had already found some marigold plants growing nearby that would be an ideal replacement when the honey ran out. So far the stitches she'd performed on herself to help the wound heal were holding. Her entire body was a patchwork of scars that told their own story of the life she'd led up to this point...and maybe it was time for her to rest...she'd earned it hadn't she?

The sudden revving of Daryl's bike brought her attention back towards him, and she wondered if he was happy with how things were between them. She loved him more than she had ever loved any other man, but if that love was unrequited, then she had to leave, for the sake of her own sanity. She took a step forward, his gravitational pull tugging at her senses, but when Tonia came out of the house with a plate of food in her hand, only to sit beside Daryl on the wooden steps with their knees practically touching, Carol's breath caught in her throat. He had never let anyone other than his family get close to him in the past. She had only succeeded to break through his barriers with a lot of love and patience, so to see him now...it hurt. They seemed to relate to one another so easily, and the way they smiled at each other...Carol could already feel the crack forming in her heart...it was time to go...she couldn't stand by and watch the man she loved fall in love with someone else...she wouldn't.

Turning away from the two of them, she shook her head and clamped her eyes shut for a brief moment as she tried to pull herself together. It was time she lived her own life now. Her family would be fine and become stronger. With or without her, she knew they would all be okay. Chancing a look back, she saw the two of them laughing...Daryl was actually laughing...he bumped the younger woman's shoulder playfully, and Carol couldn't help but remember a time when she had shared that playful relationship with him. A twinge of jealousy sparked inside her when she realised she had effectively been replaced by a younger, beautiful version of herself. She wasn't young and she certainly wasn't beautiful...she never had been...turning away from them again she began to walk away, one foot in front of the other, not knowing where she was going. She knew she needed to go away, she needed to find her footing before she went back to the house to gather her meagre possessions.

000

She had spent most of the afternoon hiding out in Tobin's old house. Since his death, the house had been cleared of his possessions, and all that remained were the larger pieces of furniture that no one had any use for. It was quiet, and it was the solitude that had brought her here. There was no Tonia, no Daryl, Rick or the others...no noise, yet the silence was deafening. Her mind wouldn't let her rest, instead it conjured up images of people she'd lost, splattering blood over memories she'd tried to bury. There was no silence, no rest or relief from any of it, and the longer she stayed in this house with its own ghosts, the more her head ached. Moving towards the door, she swung it open and walked out onto the porch, sucking in a lungful of air before she stepped off the wooden steps and made her way towards Alexandria's graveyard.

The rain came from nowhere, hammering down in heavy droplets that soaked Carol through to her skin. She had been sitting beside Sam's grave when the storm hit, but she hadn't moved at first. It was only when the sky lit up around her, bringing a loud rumble along with it, that she got to her feet and held her face up into the rain. Another loud crack filled the air, bringing a bolt of lightning with it, and it was only then that she started to move. She was in between the house she shared with her family and Tobin's empty house and for a moment she stood still, trying to decide which way to go.

"Carol!"

A hand wrapped around her arm, shaking her out of her reverie and she turned to see Daryl beside her, panting heavily as he tugged her with him towards their house. Her feet moved on their own accord, defying every ounce of resolve she had left. When he dropped his hand to grab hold of hers, the warmth from his fingers sent a jolt of heat throughout her arm, sparking her to life with that one simple touch. She ran with him up the wooden steps and allowed him to manoeuvre her through the door, both of them soaked through to the skin. Rick looked up at them when they stood in the hall, dripping puddles of rainwater around their feet, but before he could ask them if they were okay, Carol dropped Daryl's hand and made her way up the stairs, refusing to allow her head to listen to what her heart was begging her to hear. He'd moved on, that was all there was to it, and now she had to move on too.

Rick met Daryl's eyes, worry seeping through both of them before Daryl shifted his sopping jacket off his shoulders and hung it over the bannister. His gaze settled on the cream coloured carpet, wishing that he could reverse whatever he had done to make Carol pull away from him again.

"She okay?" Rick asked worriedly when Daryl moved up the stairs.

"No," Daryl shook his head. "She ain't."

The former police officer nodded silently, concern furrowing his brow. He watched his brother take the stairs two at a time before he turned away, and made his way back into the living room where Michonne and Carl were playing with Judith.

Daryl stopped outside Carol's door and tapped softly on the wooden barrier almost hesitantly. "Carol?"

For a moment he was met with silence and he wondered if she was in the bathroom. He moved to knock again when he heard her voice, soft and hesitant from the other side of the door.

"Carol...I'mma gonna come in, okay," his voice was soft as he spoke, and when he didn't hear her tell him to go, he turned the handle and pushed the door open to step inside the darkened room. Carol was seated beside the large window, looking at the raindrops as they pattered against the glass. The sky had turned a dark grey and had made the whole room dull, but his eyes were only drawn to her...so still and unmoving, her silence unnerving him.

Moving into the room, he pushed the door closed behind him, waiting for the latch to click into place before he made his way towards her. His anxiety increased with her silence, and the need to touch her spurred him closer as he reached out to lay a hand over her shoulder. The clothes she wore stuck to her skin, wet and see through as wet droplets dripped off the ends of her hair.

"You're freezing," he told her gruffly as he looked around her room for a something, anything to warm her. Spotting a folded towel on the chair in the corner of the room, he withdrew his hand and turned around, striding across the room to fetch it. Opening it wide, he looked back at her again, her stillness unsettling.

"Did ya get caught out same as I did?" he asked her as he moved back towards her again. "Came outta nowhere."

Moving behind her he dabbed the towel over her hair, watching for any signs that she didn't want him this close to her. He didn't understand what had happened. They had become so much closer since the war ended, and she had started to open up about the girls and the deaths that had caused her to leave her family behind. Everything was fine, or so he'd thought, but in the last week she had begun to pull away from him again and he didn't understand any of this, not one bit. Moving the towel from her hair, he laid it over her shoulders, pressing the soft fabric against her wet body.

"I didn't know ya was out there," he told her as he smoothed his hands over the damp towel. "Where were ya?"

Carol closed her eyes and sucked in a breath as she willed her body to stop responding to him. She was so confused, her warring emotions were creating havoc inside her but she refused to believe that anything other concern for her had brought him here. Swallowing against the lump in her throat she lifted her head and reached up to grasp the towel tighter around her shoulders.

"I was with Sam," she all but whispered as she focussed on the water droplets running down the glass outside.

Sam... Daryl drew in a shaky breath and squeezed her shoulder while he fought to find something to say. He knew she felt responsible for that boy, and no matter how many times he'd tried to convince her that what happened was out of her control, she couldn't seem to accept it.

"Carol…" he started, but his voice died on his lips when she shook her head.

"I met the new girl today," she told him, her voice low as she spoke. "She seems nice."

"Yeah," he nodded, unsure why they were talking about someone they barely knew. "She's alright."

"Yeah…"

"Carol, what's all this about?" he asked, his voice rising a little as he was becoming more confused by the minute. "Ya need to talk to me."

"I tried," she groaned, lowering her head into her hands as she sighed in frustration. Lifting her head again, she palmed the beginning of tears from her eyes before she sucked in a breath. "I don't think I can do this."

Panic spread through Daryl's body as he stepped closer, reaching out to lay his hand over her shoulder. "Carol?"

"You always want me to talk but you won't do the same for me," she all but whispered, closing her eyes as she spoke "...She looks like Beth."

"Huh?" he asked in confusion as he swiped a dripping strand of his hair away from his eyes. "What?"

"Tonia," she uttered the name, the word feeling like sandpaper on her tongue. "She looks a lot like Beth."

Daryl's mouth opened but he couldn't seem to find any words. Yes, Tonia bore some small resemblance to Beth, and that's what had taken him by surprise when she'd first arrived, but it was her flourishing relationship with Tara that drew her to him. The two of them together teased him mirthlessly, but he'd learned early on to just let it happen. He swallowed heavily before he squeezed her shoulder, confusion marring his mind.

"Why won't you tell me what happened between you and Beth?" she asked softly, her question throwing him off guard and he pulled his hand away from her shoulder, as if her skin had burned him. When he didn't answer, she half turned on the windowsill, her eyes sparkling with unshed tears. "Daryl?"

"Whaddya mean, why?" he asked, his voice trembling with agitation. Why the hell was she bringing Beth up again after all this time? "Fuck."

"I need you to say it, Daryl," she told him, her voice catching in her throat. "I need to know...when you said we got to start over and I asked you if you did, you didn't answer me."

Daryl sighed in exasperation and ran his hands over his hair before he held his arms out to his side. "The fuck does it matter now?"

"I…"

"Why're ya bringin' this shit up now? She ain't here," he growled. "But I am... I'm here tryin'...and you went off and started over with Tobin didn't ya?"

"No," she gasped. "No I didn't...I never…"

"Ya left us all behind didn't ya?" he seethed, his anger at the last year spilling from his mouth. "Ya walked away and left...ya just left like I was nothin'... like everythin' we went through means shit to you…"

The look of devastation in her eyes caused his mouth to slam shut. Tobin was still a sore point where he was concerned. That asshole had moved in on her when she was at her lowest. He still blamed him for her taking off. Reaching out for her again he sighed.

"'M sorry…"

"No, you're right. I deserve it all. It's my fault...I left and I have no right to come back here and ask you anything," shaking her head, she tried to ignore the ache in her shoulders that had seemed to gravitate further down her spine.

"There ya go again, takin' the blame for something when it ain't on you," he growled. "Ya asked about Beth and yer gonna listen. She wouldn't let me give up on y'all. Cuz a her I started believin' we were gonna regroup. I started believin' I was gonna find everyone, and that was all on her. All of it... but there weren't anythin' else if that's what yer implyin'...Ya wanna hear that she died cuz I couldn't keep her safe, is that it? That I failed her the same way I did Sophia?"

The sound of her daughter's name caused her to gasp in a breath. The tears that had been pooling in her eyes, suddenly broke free to roll down her cheeks causing her to turn away from him again.

"You didn't fail Sophia...it was me...I failed her, not you," she whispered bitterly as she tried to quash the memories of the barn and her daughter's disfigured face.

"Ya didn't fail her," Daryl gasped out, cursing himself for allowing his temper to get the better of him. "Ya didn't."

"I failed all of them, every single one…" she shook her head as she swiped angrily at her face. "They're all dead because of me... me Daryl...my girls, T Dog, Sam…"

"Sam dyin' ain't on you. T ain't dead cuz a you neither, woman, so stop blamin' yerself for it."

"Yes he is," she blurted out, turning on him with haunted eyes. "He made me leave him. He sacrificed himself to save me...how can I not be responsible?"

"That was his choice, Carol," he told her, grasping for her hand but she pulled away. "It ain't all on you."

"I shouldn't be here," her voice broke as she suddenly got to her feet, her eyes flitting around the room. "I need to go…"

"Carol…"

"No... it's me... I'm poison, you need to get away from me," throwing the towel from her shoulders she pushed passed him and moved towards the closet, yanking the door open as she pulled her rucksack from the shelf, her hand hitting the empty hangers that clattered to the floor.

"Carol…"

"You're right to not want me... she's better, she's so much better than me..." she sobbed as she yanked the bag open and moved to the dresser, pulling open a drawer. Grabbing the few items of clothing she rammed them into the bag before looking around the room again.

"Carol, STOP," he growled, grabbing hold of her shoulders to keep her still. "Just stop."

"I need to...go..." she stuttered, her heart thumping in her ears. The back of her throat had been sore for days and the headache from hell pulsed back to life, knocking the breath from her lungs as she suddenly felt her legs giving way, "Daryl…I..."

Daryl caught her in his arms as she fell, panic coursing through him when her head lulled backwards. He couldn't remember screaming her name, he couldn't remember much of anything, but when the bedroom door burst open and Rick, followed by Michonne stumbled into the room, Daryl was on the floor with her lifeless body in his arms, sobbing out her name.

tbc