Firefly Fan Fic
Pairing: Mal/River
Words: About 3,300
I Don't Own Anything. Serenity and it's awesome crew belongs to Joss Whedon.
"What's wrong?" she questioned pulling her knees into her chest. She felt insecure. Unprotected, when with him. Everyone's mind was like an open book, just spilling into her head. Every thought, every word, just piling itself up. But not his. His was always kept secret, locked away from anyone's acknowledgment, except his own. Ever since the incident that happened with Miranda, his mind had been slowly closing off from her until she couldn't hear anything. Her wondering eyes met his as he gazed over at her from the other side of the cockpit.
"Nothing's wrong," he smiled. The smile was like many he had done before, the ones that never really reached his eyes. She knew he was lying, anyone could tell that. She rested her cheek on her knee as he returned his attention to the black sky.
"You're lying," she accused. She knew she was right, he knew she was too. He didn't know why he lied to her but he couldn't tell the truth either. He felt the truth was wrong, that he was going against something that wasn't suppose to happen. He didn't know what to tell her, he didn't want to lie anymore, so he sat there, inaudible.
She stared at him, waiting for a response. When none came, she knew something was going to unfold. But what?
"Isn't it past your bedtime, little one?" Mal asked keeping his gaze ahead of him. She released a giggle but on the inside, it hurt her. He still thought of her as a little girl, not the woman she had become.
"I couldn't sleep," she said. Her voice was muffled as she hid her head between her knees. Her memories of what they did in the Academy were strong tonight causing her to wonder Serenity. Everyone was asleep, or so she thought until she found Mal in the cockpit. The ship was silent, but it had a sense of life to it. Like it was breathing, in and out. Many a nights she liked to just wonder the huge aircraft as the others were in there our minds, dreaming. The cold, smooth metal beneath her feet as she slowly stalked the catwalk always made her feel as if there was something alive about the ship. Tonight was the first night she found Mal awake in the cockpit. Usually he would lounge in his room, alone, sleepless. But not tonight. Something was off.
"Neither could I," he whispered. Nothing was ever smooth for Mal. Sure he would take any job that was offered, sometimes that even went against the Alliance, but it didn't matter. He hated the Alliance. He hated the Feds. But that didn't mean he was a bad person. He was a good captain. A good guy.
"Why couldn't you?" she asked looking up at him.
"Problems," he smiled. It was fake, River could tell. She wasn't dumb, he really couldn't fool her.
"Love problems?" she assumed.
"Love?" he asked surprised at her question. He locked his jaw and tightened his hands around the handles in front of him. He swallowed hard. This was exactly the problem.
"You love Inara, don't you?" she continued, looking straight in front of her. The stars were passing by and by as there was endless sky. She knew the way he looked at Inara, she could see it in his eyes that he did.
"No," he simply replied. His hands loosened on the handles as he relaxed a little. She was way off.
"Yes you do. I see things you don't think I do. I see the way to look at her. She is beautiful," she pressed. She was right, she was positive she was right. Wasn't she?
"I don't love her," he said again. He was keeping with his word. He didn't love Inara. How could he actually love a regulated companion?
"I know you do," she continued. She wasn't giving in, she knew she was right.
"Ta ma de! I don't love her," he screamed. He was so rattled at her assumption. She was wrong. He tried to tell her, but she wouldn't listen.
She was taken back by his sudden burst of anger. She didn't like that she did that to him. She longed to make him happy, not mad. It might of sound crazy to anyone else, but she found herself in love with the captain. If Simon would of found out about her "crush" on Mal, he would kill him and shun her. He would totally freak out.
They sat in silence for awhile. It built in River's ears. She wasn't use to silence, the voices in her head, coming and going, the lively crew of Serenity always buzzing with conversations, it was new for her. To be honest, she hated it. It hurt her ears as they rang with nothing.
"I'm sorry," he finally spoke. His voice was calm, steady. Meaningful. He meant what he said, he always did.
"You're forgiven," she whispered. She looked over into his blue eyes. They shone with pain, loneliness, worriedness, but mostly agony. She wanted nothing more to just reach out, comfort him. Be the one to make him smile those amazing smiles that fill his eyes with brilliant happiness.
"So why couldn't you sleep?" he asked, trying to keep the conversation going. He hated the silence as much as she did.
"The dreams," she responded. He just nodded in understanding. He knew about her dreams of the Academy, and what they did to her. He was puzzled though, why did she come to him?
"So why didn't you wake Simon?" he asked, turning his chair towards her. Her small frame was still balled up in the chair as she stared at him. She ran her hands through her long waves as she never taking her eyes off him.
"He was with Kaylee," she began but stopped. She wanted to say so much more, so much that that what she would say would scare him, the truth. Her longing for him, but she didn't. He wouldn't feel the same, she knew.
"So you came here?" he asked, studying her. She was a strange individual, but she was magnificent. Her powers, her abilities were beyond anyone else's. He admired that about her.
"I thought you wouldn't mind," she said, placing his bare feet on the cold floor of the cockpit.
"Oh," he whispered. He had no idea what to say to her. She was coming to him for comfort from what he could tell, it was new to him. He didn't know what to do, so he just kept silent. She stood up and stalked towards him. He swallowed hard again. His heart racing. What he didn't know was, her heart was pounding just as hard. She continued towards him as she stopped just merely inches in front of him.
"Mal, do you think I'm broken?" she asked dropping to the floor. To be honest, River always saw herself as broken. She wasn't like the others on the ship, she was different than the rest. Just a weapon. Not human. Broken.
"River, you're not broken," he said nervously. She was so close to him but yet still so far away.
She looked up at him as he stared back. "I think I am. I'm not normal."
"No one is normal. What is normal anyways," he asked, smiling. His attempt to make her smile failed as she held a straight face. She could never get him to love her, not the way Simon loved Kaylee, or the way Wash loved Zoe.
"Do you still think of me as a kid?" she questioned randomly. He was shocked but suddenly just fell silent. He didn't know how to respond. She wasn't making any sense to him. In reality he didn't see her as a kid. She had come a long way since he first discovered her in his cargo bay three years ago.
They sat in silence as River grew tired. It was late. Her eyes started drifting; her mind was closing off from her surroundings.
Mal watched as River's head dropped slightly. She was asleep, but he couldn't blame her, it was late. He picked her up, bridal style, off the ground. He started off towards her quarters. On the way, he listened as his crew was soundless and asleep. River moved a little in his arms as she threw her arms around his neck mindlessly. Mal smiled, enjoying the soft touch of her skin against his. He finally made it to her room as he laid her down on the bed. She curled up once she was on the mattress. He continued smiling as he pulled her blanket up to her shoulders and looked at her. She lay there, peacefully, dreaming. She is something, he thought.
"Sleep well, darlin'," he whispered as he left a soft kiss on her forehead. He stroked her hair back as he took in her face and scent. Both were intoxicating. He smiled again as he walked out of her room to his own. That night Mal slept soundlessly.
The next morning, River climbed up the ladder out of her bunk and started walking to the dining area. Her big combat boots rang throughout the hallway as they thumped against the metal. She walked slowly as she traced her fingers along the smooth metal walls. She loved Serenity. It was more like a home than anything else she had ever called home. When she rounded the corner and walked through the door into the dining area she saw everyone smiling at her as she walked towards the table.
Simon had saved a seat for her as she sat down quietly. She looked around the table as everyone resumed eating. Finally her eyes landed on Mal who was across from her. He smiled a genuine smile that was new to her. She liked it. She let her eyes drop as Simon sat a plate full of food in front of her. The smell traveled to her nostrils as there was something off about it.
"Where've you been sleep head?" Kaylee asked with a smile. "Up late last night?"
River's eyes shot to Mal as everyone else's did as he choked on some water. He smiled at everyone as if saying "I'm fine." Everyone continued eating as River just stared at her food.
"Yes," River answered honestly. She thought about Mal last night but then her mind wondered more to Simon fixing her plate, as if she couldn't herself. She hated that he still thought of her as helpless, but he did it out of kindness, so she couldn't turn it away. "Thanks, Simon."
"Yeah, well if I didn't stop 'em, you wouldn't have no food," Jayne said as he noticed River staring at her plate. They all smiled at Jayne as they knew he was lying. He started to panic and his face turned to shame and guilt but then was hid by misunderstanding. "What?"
"Nothing," River smiled as she looked back down at her food. The smell made her stomach turn instantly, she wasn't hungry. She had no idea why, but she knew that's why the smell was off. She looked around the table as everyone continued eating their breakfast happily. Peacefully. Her head started spinning as she closed her eyes. She knotted her hair in her hands as she balled up beside Simon.
"River?" Simon questioned worriedly.
"It hurts," she said in a shaky voice. Her voice full of pain. "Make it stop!"
"Let's go to the infirmary," Simon said soothingly. He started to guide her up from the table as she smacked his hands away.
"Why? To take more gorram tests?" she yelled.
"She's really pissing me off!" Jayne stated as he slammed his fists against the table. "She's been good about this and now she's starting it again."
"Jayne, don't start," Zoe commanded as Jayne calmed down bit by bit.
River looked at the two and then back at Simon. Her scolded face didn't disappear as she picked up her plate of food and walked it over hastily to Jayne. She placed it gently on the table as she kept her eyes locked with Simon. "Here, Jayne. I'm not hungry," she stated as she stormed out of the room.
Mal watched the girl's dress trail a little behind her as it blew in the wind that was picking up as she ran out of the room. Her tiny feet thudded in the huge combat boots she was wearing that morning. As soon as her footsteps could be heard no more, Mal turned around and dropped his piece of bread on his plate. He held a stern face as he glanced up at Simon. They shared a knowing glance as they both stood up at the same time.
"I'll go," Simon offered as he stepped out from the table.
"She's my crew, I'll go," Mal said harshly. Simon had upset River, upset him.
"She's my sister," Simon argued, getting more aggressive.
"She doesn't want to see you. You're the one that upset her. She's my crew, I'll handle it," Mal pressed.
"I'll go," Kaylee interrupted as she shocked everyone. Everyone's eyes wondered to the small, optimistic girl. "Its fine, she'll talk to me."
Mal and Simon both looked at each other and sat down. They held stern faces as they both watched Kaylee walk in the direction of where River disappeared. The room went silent for a few moments.
"I don't know about you guys, but I'm stuffed," Jayne said, breaking the silence as he leaned back in his chair with two empty plates in front of him.
As Kaylee climbed slowly down the stairs to River/Simon's bunks, she found that both were empty. Her face twisted with confusion as she climbed back up and looked around.
"River," Kaylee called out. There was no reply. She paced slowly down the hallway and down towards the cargo bay where River usually liked to play. As she stepped off the last step, she leaned over the railing, looking, searching every corner from up high. She didn't see anything.
"River?" she called again as it echoed throughout the huge bay. No answer. She was dumbfounded. She had no idea where River could be. She walked back upstairs. Kaylee knew River wouldn't be in the infirmary. She hated anything that reminded her of the Academy.
Soon Kaylee ran out of places River could be. She wasn't anywhere. Then she realized. There was only one place left.
Kaylee entered the cockpit as she saw River sitting in the main pilot's seat. Kaylee frowned as she remembered Wash who flew Serenity as if it was as natural as breathing. Everyone missed Wash. But who wouldn't?
"You know what the first rule of flying is?" River questioned as she remembered the words that she pondered on them many a nights. Kaylee looked confused as she approached River.
"No," Kaylee said truthfully as she looked down at River. River's eyes were lost in a trance as she just looked forward, paying no attention to her surrounding.
"Love. You can know all the math in the 'Verse, but take a boat in the air you don't love, she'll shake you off just as sure as the turning of worlds. Love keeps her in the air when she ought to fall down, tells you she's hurting 'fore she keens. Makes her home," River quoted.
Kaylee was still confused as she looked at the young woman. Her raven locks hiding her face as she never took her eyes off of what was in front of her.
"You love Simon. You love this ship. It keeps her going," River said as she looked pleadingly up at Kaylee. Kaylee's face soon turned to realization.
"So this is about love?" Kaylee asked sitting on the floor next to River's chair.
"I'm broken. I don't know what love is," River replied in a monotone. She looked at all the machinery around her as she trailed her fingers over the buttons and switches and monitors. "I'm like this ship. If you don't make the right move, I could crash and kill us all."
"River, you won't kill us all. Simon says you're truly getting better," Kaylee said soothingly as she placed a hand on River's arm.
"Simon's not always right," River countered.
"But he's trying," she whispered.
"Do you think he could actually fix me? So I can love?" River asked defensibly.
"You can love no matter what," Kaylee smiled. So she does like someone, Kaylee thought. She smiled as there was a silence that grew between them.
"Go ahead and ask," River said with a smile, already knowing the question.
"Who is it?" Kaylee beamed.
"Someone who isn't broken," River smiled as a picture of Mal's gleaming smile popped into her head.
"Well you're no fun," Kaylee smiled, not pressing for the answer. She stood up and looked out the glass shield of the cockpit. The rain was pounding now against the glass as they soared through. "Storm's getting worse."
"We'll pass through it soon enough," River quoted again as they broke through the gray, luminous clouds.
"Hey girls, what are you guys doing?" Mal asked as he entered the cockpit with a smile on his face. River blushed as she kept her face forward as she watched the black sky.
"Nothin' Capt'n. Just girl talk," Kaylee smiled as she left the room leaving the two of them alone. There was an uncomfortable silence as Mal stood behind River who was still facing away from him.
"So," Mal said breaking the silence. His voice little shaky as his nerves kicked in.
"Yes?" River asked still facing away from him. Mal walked a few steps to where he was bent beside her. He looked out at the same black sky that she was. Their faces were merely inches from each other. Their flushed cheeks radiating heat.
"Mal?" River questioned. As soon as Mal turned his head to face her, River turned her face to look him in the eyes, only to close her own. Their lips met accidently but meaningfully. River's hands found his neck she pulled him into the kiss. This was what she wanted. What she needed.
Mal eyes shot open wide at first, but then he slowly closed them as he gave into the kiss. He loved River, and there was nothing wrong with that. The feelings they felt and shared were mutual, and he knew that now.
The kiss was soft and passionate as he helped her blindly stand up. Lips never parting. She stretched on her tip-toes for she was too short. He held the small of her back to help her reach his height better. She tightened her arms around his neck as the kiss further deepen.
Thump.
They both looked shockingly at the door as a noise came from the hallway. They waited for someone to answer, but no one did. River slowly turned her head back to Mal as they both smiled. Suddenly River fell further into Mal's arms as she buried her head in his shirt.
"I love you," River whispered. River knew that she wasn't broken, Mal changed that, he loved her. So, she could fly again. Mal smiled.
"I know," he whispered as he stroked her hair. "I know."