Author's Note: I'm on a roll with the missing pieces.. so.. here's a random early Dharma story!
I'll shout this one to Jennay, my favorite anonymous reviewer!
Fight the Feeling:
Sawyer wasn't entirely sure when or how it started. When he and Juliet used each other to forget, or how it actually worked. When using each other became real, or how it became something more.
But he could only assume it started on the couch. Just a few months into their Dharmaville stay when she was reading Carrie for the millionth time, when her eyes closed slowly and her breathing evened out. He was certain it started because when he went to bring her to the bedroom, her arms wrapped around his neck and had a refusal to let go as he tried to put her into the bed. 'Son of a bitch..' he thought to himself.
And because they didn't share the bed, because he slept on the couch.. he did the only thing he could think of. He sighed, and dragged them back to the couch. He took a seat and leaned his head back, closing his eyes and allowing himself to get some sleep as well. He didn't know why he cared about not waking her up, he just knew that he did. So he left her clinging to him in her sleep.
When Juliet opened her eyes in the morning, she felt the heat of another person's body. She flushed with the embarrassment almost immediately at the realization she was clinging to Sawyer. Mostly because she didn't 'cling'. It only took her a moment to realize why she was in this position. Sawyer had clearly made the attempt to carry her, but by all accounts.. he didn't appear to have gotten very far.
Unfortunately, as amusing as the situation was.. she couldn't think of a way to untangle herself without waking Sawyer up. But it didn't exactly stop her from trying. Soon enough, she slipped, and found herself practically straddling him, and she found her blue eyes staring directly into his amused eyes. He was awake.
"Damn.. I oughta let you sleep on me more often, I don't mind wakin' up in this position.." Sawyer stated with a grin.
Juliet turned red almost immediately from the statement and she scrambled to get off of his lap, but Sawyer's hands on her waist were firmly holding her in place. "I'm sorry.." she said quietly, not entirely sure what else she could say. "I was.. I just.. I mean.." she was completely flustered now. "I just wanted.. um.. sorry.."
The grin on Sawyer's face quickly grew, not that he wasn't enjoying all the wiggling she was doing to get away. "Ain't never seen you rattled or embarrassed before, its kinda cute."
Juliet flushed. 'Cute' had never been a term someone had deemed her before. In Miami she was considered.. socially awkward by a standard. When she came to the island, Goodwin had stated she could be 'seductive', although she never actually believed him. But 'cute' was definitely a new one.. She closed her eyes, taking a deep breath to calm herself. He was just screwing around after all, only messing with her.
Sawyer just chuckled and let his hands drop off her waist now. Obviously he'd pushed it far enough. Except she didn't get up when he let go. "Need somethin'?" he asked her playfully.
Juliet opened her eyes only to find herself practically nose to nose with Sawyer because he'd moved his face in front of hers. She couldn't explain why her mind screamed 'MOVE' but her body refused to respond. And her breath hitched slightly at the proximity.
"I don't.. I need.." Juliet stumbled on the words once more and she silently cursed herself, and him, for making her act this way.
Sawyer was amused to say the least, and when he realized she wasn't pulling away from him, he moved his face one inch closer.. brushing his lips against hers. And she didn't respond, but she didn't pull away at first either. When she did a few moments later, he figured it was a good sign that she hadn't slapped him yet. "If you want me to stop.." he began.
But Juliet cut him off, her hand going behind his head as she pulled his mouth back to hers into an almost forceful kiss, not that he was objecting to it. She had her lips on his still, her hands trailing down his chest when the walkie went off.
"LaFleur.." came Horace's voice.
Sawyer groaned in response leaning over to grab the walkie.
"Ignore it.." Juliet muttered, leaving a light nip on his neck.
And Sawyer did just that, finally flipping Juliet onto her back on the couch. At least until the walkie shuttered to life again.
"Jim, it's an emergency."
Sawyer groaned again, resting his forehead against hers.
Juliet could only smile vaguely in response. "Guess you can't ignore it twice.. eh?"
Sawyer could only shake his head as he sat up and grabbed the walkie. "Yeah boss?"
Juliet squirmed her way off the couch, running her fingers through her hair as she headed towards the bedroom. When she turned to glance back at him, she could only describe the look he was staring after her with, as one of pure disappointment. He had to go to work.
~*~*~*~
The next time circumstances had been completely different. Juliet had been working in the motor pool when a new recruit broke the jack, and a van came down and sliced her stomach a little while she was under it.
She sighed, clad only in a bra in the Dharmaland infirmary as she grabbed a shirt Amy left for her, she caught a glimpse of the slice in her stomach that was now stitched up and she flinched slightly in reaction. She wound up being too busy staring at that to notice the new occupant of the infirmary.
"You okay?" came Sawyer's concerned voice.
Juliet looked up in an instant, startled by his voice and she jumped back slightly. She didn't have the shirt on yet, so instead she pulled it in front of her chest in an attempt to cover herself, albeit it didn't work so well. She did the only thing she could, and she smiled a little. "I'm fine.. what are you doing here?" she questioned, as if she didn't know.
Sawyer took a step forward to glance at the wound on her stomach, only to have her take a step back and he raised an eyebrow up at her. "Horace said there was an accident, and you were rushed to the infirmary.." he told her. "Why wouldn't I be here?" he asked in response.
Juliet sighed. She didn't blush. Juliet Burke was never embarrassed, but here in Dharmaville, Sawyer had managed to make her feel a little girly twice since they'd arrived in less then a year. This time because she'd taken another step back and been met with the wall, and he'd taken a step forward and came directly in front of her. He was close enough she could feel the body heat radiating off of him. And so once more, the pink tint rose to her cheeks in response to her realization that she was still shirtless.
Sawyer just chuckled, leaning over so his lips came next to her ear. "You dropped your shirt.."
Juliet's eyes widened slightly as she realized he was right. The shirt was forgotten on the floor, and his eyes were exactly where she thought they wouldn't be. Staring straight back into hers. She wasn't entirely certain if she respected him for not looking, or if she felt unattractive because he didn't look.
Sawyer raised an eyebrow up at the different mix of emotions that crossed her face. He thought he was doing a fairly good job of being respectful by not looking, and she appeared to be offended. "You okay?" he questioned for a second time since he got there.
Juliet glanced away.
Sawyer frowned now, and as she attempted to escape he put his hands on the wall on either side of her to block her. "What's wrong?" he asked her, studying her face a bit more carefully.
Juliet felt a few tears well up in her eyes, and she was fairly certain she would blame all of this on painkillers later. And still she couldn't help the words that came from her mouth. "It's because I'm not her.. isn't it?"
"What?" Sawyer asked, slightly taken aback by her statement.
"I'm not attractive.." Juliet mumbled. "Not to you, to Jack.. no one."
Amy's eyes widened. She'd only walked in a moment ago, but she was pretty sure Juliet had lost her mind. No one in their right mind wouldn't find the blonde attractive. Half the women in the Dharma Initiative, herself included, envied the blonde for her looks.
"What the hell are ya' talking about?" Sawyer asked in bewilderment. "Ya' lost your damn mind, Juliet?" he questioned.
Amy took a deep breath and stepped back out of the room as quickly as she'd come in.
"I have no shirt on, and you're still looking at my face," she pointed out, dragging herself down the wall and sitting, covering herself by pulling her knees up to her chest and wrapping her arms around them.
Sawyer frowned. What the hell was he suppose to say in response to that? Horace must have given her some seriously good drugs, because there was no way in hell this was normal for Juliet.
Juliet rested her forehead on the top of her knees. She would never willingly admit that this was the real Juliet. The defeated, the one from before the island. She would never tell him that she'd declined any type of drugs Horace had offered her for pain. Where before, when she was with the Others, at least she felt vaguely attractive.. but here in the 70's. No one appeared to look twice. That didn't say much.
Sawyer sighed, squatting down in front of her. "Hey.." he said quietly, placing his hand on her arm. He pulled it away though, when she recoiled from the touch, and his frown simply deepened. "What kinda drugs are you on?" he questioned sarcastically. Obviously a joke wasn't a good idea though, because instead she only seemed more upset.
Juliet grabbed her shirt and pushed him away before standing up, only flinching slightly in reaction.
Sawyer noticed the flinch and he frowned, standing up with her. The realization only hit him then, she obviously wasn't on any drugs at all. She completely and honestly felt she was unattractive. He couldn't imagine what could make a woman like her, someone completely beautiful and obviously oblivious to it, feel completely unattractive.
Juliet made the attempt to walk away again when his arms did the same as last time, blocking her in by putting his hands on the wall on either side of her. And she felt almost afraid as his body pushed up against hers. Almost, and yet not at all. "What are you doing?" she asked, surprised her voice came out as evenly as it had.
"This.." Sawyer stated, leaning down to her exposed shoulder and placed one kiss on it, then worked his way up towards her mouth.
Juliet made the short lived attempt to fight the feeling that he caused somewhere inside her, to not give in to him within a second. She wanted to fight the way her breath caught with each time his lips caught her shoulder.. her neck.. her chin, the corner of her lips. But she gave up the fight within seconds of feeling his mouth on hers, and immediately brought her hand up to his face and closed her eyes.
When Sawyer finally removed his lips from hers, he brought them just below her ear. "You're beautiful.." he whispered. He couldn't say he was surprised when she pulled away, when she studied his face with such a look of disbelief. And he couldn't stop himself from asking the question that was stuck in his head. "What would ever make you think you weren't?" he asked her carefully.
Juliet looked away now.
"Hey.." he said quietly, reaching his hand up to her chin and moving her face to look at him again. "Tell me.."
"I was married.." she told him. "Before all of this.." she stated, motioning to the island itself.
If Sawyer was surprised by the statement, he didn't show it. In his mind, someone would be a fool not to marry her. But the look on her face wasn't a look of happiness people have when they talk about marriage, it was one of pure disdain. "What did he do?" he asked suddenly.
Juliet glanced at him awkwardly. "What makes you think it was him?" she questioned.
Sawyer narrowed his eyed at her.
Juliet shook her head, looking down. "For a while.. I guess maybe I thought he did love me."
Sawyer's eyes softened now.
"But.." she began next. "I guess he just loved everyone.."
Sawyer frowned. If Juliet was about to admit to having been one of those unhappy housewives of an inattentive rich guy, he was going to be more then just a little shocked.
Juliet studied his face before she continued. "He told me I was.. socially awkward," she admitted with a sigh. "I wouldn't dress up like the other doctor's 'trophy wives' because I was not a trophy.." she stated adamantly. "I was a doctor too.. I was just as good as him. No.. I was better then him."
Sawyer smiled now. That was the Juliet he was used to. Confident in her own abilities. And he had to assume that what he saw, was a simple view of what Juliet had been before Ben. Before the island. Before she was forced to adapt, to survive.
"But.. you do what you have to for the people you love, right?" she asked him carefully.
Sawyer let the smile fade.
Juliet took that as the sign to continue. "I'm not sure when I realized he didn't love me.. just my research. Early on I suppose.." she admitted. "But.. I let it go, because I liked the idea that he was important, and he picked me.."
Sawyer watched as one tear fell, and as badly as he wanted to wipe it away, to make her forget.. he was afraid if he did anything but listen she would realize what she was doing, and she would stop. And he found himself horrified by how much he wanted to know more about her.
"I knew, in a sense.." she admitted. "That he didn't love me, that he was seeing other women.." she told him quietly.
Sawyer only felt horrible now. So she'd married a man, who wanted her for her brain.. the son of a bitch had probably never even once told her how attractive she really was. He'd told her she was 'socially awkward' for Christ's sake. What kind of men treated a woman so horribly? Hell.. he'd conned women and treated them better then that.
"I suppose you could say, he owned me," Juliet stated. "So even when I gave in, and I signed the divorce papers with my sister breathing down my neck.. it didn't matter. I was still his."
Sawyer's eyes softened once more in reaction.
"I went to bring him his papers in his office and there he was with his pants down around his ankles and the newest research assistant with her skirt up," Juliet remarked with such hatred that Sawyer nearly didn't recognize her voice. "It's different.. when you know, but can pretend you don't.."
Sawyer hated the fact that she was exactly the type of woman he used to con. Well, almost exactly. She had a job, that was different. She was unaware of her beauty, also different. And he got the feeling that had anyone tried to hit on her, she would have been a faithful wife.. which only made him feel worse. He changed his mind, she was exactly the type of woman he could have never been able to con.
Juliet glanced away now. "I'm sorry.."
"Don't be," he told her, bringing his hand to her cheek. "You are attractive, Juliet.. a lot more then you seem to think you are," he admitted. "And I'm sorry I didn't peek," he told her with a sheepish grin. "But I'm thinking it was a lose-lose situation.."
Juliet looked baffled.
He wondered if that bafflement was because he told her she was attractive, or because he called it a lose-lose situation. But he was going with the latter. "If I had looked, you probably would have slapped me."
Juliet chuckled suddenly in response.
Sawyer found his eyes wandering downward now.
"Hey!" Juliet said, the pink tinting her cheeks once more as she attempted to cover herself better with the shirt.
"Told ya'," Sawyer stated with a grin.
"Ahem.."
Sawyer turned with an eyebrow arched as Horace stared at the two of them. He chuckled as the other man attempted to be chivalrous as well, and keep his eyes off the half-naked blonde bombshell before them. "Careful, H.." he told the man. "She gets offended when you don't look."
"JAMES!" Juliet cried out, smacking him upside the head.
Sawyer grinned as he felt the 'thwack' to the back of the head. He couldn't help himself with how awkward Horace looked now. "See look," he told her. "You're shirtless self rendered our fearless leader speechless.."
Juliet turned red. And so did Horace.
Sawyer could only walk out laughing now.
~*~*~*~
The last was the deal-breaker. The beginning of the end, so to speak. Sawyer had come back to the Dharma house that she shared with her early, hoping to get a jump on dinner. Somehow every night she managed to get dinner set and ready before he got home, and as much as he enjoyed it.. he couldn't help but feel like it was her turn to be made dinner.
He went to open the bathroom door and was stunned when it opened itself, and Juliet was standing in front of him clad in only a towel. This time he felt his own cheeks burning red. This wasn't supposed to happen. She was supposed to still be at work.
Juliet arched and eyebrow up at him in confusion. "What are you doing back?" she questioned casually. "You're supposed to work til' seven.."
Sawyer finally gained a few of his morals back as he took in the sight before him. "Came home early.." he muttered, scratching the back of his head.
Juliet chuckled. She wasn't entirely surprised to see him back early, but she wasn't exactly enthusiastic about it either. She was, after all, wearing only a towel. As if the realization just dawned on her, she glanced down and then back up at him. "You're making a habit out of this, you realize that don't you?"
"A habit of what?" Sawyer questioned.
Juliet just smiled before brushing passed him into the hall. "Finding me half-naked."
"I'm enjoying the habit to much to break it now," he warned her with a grin.
Juliet turned and leaned her back against the hallway. She crossed her arms and narrowed her eyes at him, but regardless, couldn't help but smile at the statement. "So why did you come home early?" she asked next.
"I uh.." Sawyer started, tearing his eyes off her still wet, towel clad body. "Thought I'd make dinner tonight.."
There was another awkward silence between them, and Sawyer was about to lean forward to capture her lips when his walkie shuttered to life, and let off an inexplicably loud and obnoxious screech. Instead he found his hands goes over his ears.
Juliet jumped back from the noise in surprise, or in this case.. jumped out of her towel. Because the next thing she new she was scrambling to catch it.
Sawyer vaguely heard a 'sorry' come from over the walkie before he flicked it off and went to grab the towel quickly. Hell if he was sorry, he thanked whatever asshole made the walking screech insanely. He just saw Juliet naked. When he'd successfully fished the towel from the ground without seeing too much of her, he stood up to hand it to her and froze, dropping it again. He saw her hands, one arm draped across her chest and her other.. covering the downstairs.
Juliet sucked in a breath when he simply dropped the towel. He was going to make her stand there naked, and she could see from the way he stood up and came nose to nose with her, he hadn't been lying that day in the infirmary. She felt unable to catch her breath from the way he was staring at her.. from the way he looked at her and it was as though he was truly seeing her for the first time. "James.." she whispered.
"No interruptions," he told her, tossing the walkie down the hall. Not even morals could stop him now.. not a walkie, a phone, or somebody walking in. "You are beautiful.." he told her.
Juliet's eyes softened at his words, and she leaned forward, capturing his lips with hers.
And that was it for Sawyer, as he backed her into the wall and returned the kiss. Within a moment he had her arms pinned to the wall above her head.
Juliet could only whimper her response to his actions. So she wrapped one of her legs around his, pulling him even closer then he already was. And although what they were doing might be morally wrong, she could honestly care less. It felt right, and that was a whole new feeling for her. Nothing had felt right for her in years.
()()END()()
So. Regardless of the fact, there was no actual sex written, I still feel pretty dirty. Maybe thats just because there was all that 'close to sex' parts in here. Ahaha!!