Another Jacob/Bella, it deals with a different outcome for Eclipse, in fact it's AU after the first few chapters
DISCLAIMER: the characters belong to Stephenie Meyer
There is a part I took from eclipse, and fixed the dialogue… I think it fits perfectly…
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"It would be like I never existed" he had said, and my heart broke, my mind went numb. And any trace of self awareness slipped away.
The blinding cold was unbearable, the dark emptiness consumed my life; and the void, the freezing void…
Then the sun came out blinding me with its shine, the heat burning slowly but steadily the ice cape that permeated my heart and my very soul
The clean, fresh natural air acted as a tornado, throwing away the frozen walls around my core.
The deep husky sound of laughter opened my eyes and the soft feel of silk, his russet soft skin close to mine took years from me, the burrowing of eyebrows turned into smiles, and the dry deep sobs became giggles.
--
--
I saw him, he was there and it wasn't a dream, it was too perfect, my every memory was wrong I had deceived myself believing I remembered his perfection. But no, he was standing in front of me, in the flesh; I could feel the air a few degrees lower. Then he was hugging me, and I couldn't believe it, after so long without his touch... it was too much, I broke in hysterics, crying shamefully in the middle of the airport.
Rosalie was standing next to me, shame rolling out in waves and Alice was next to him, grinning like a Cheshire cat.
Alice had seen me jump; Rosalie heard and phoned Edward… Alice called home and pretended to be taken a survey, while interrogating Charlie about the amount of soap used per week, she found out that I was in fact alive. Then she hurried to Italy and intercepted Edward just outside Volterra.
After the thrill of seeing him again, I was mad, hurt… what was he doing here? He didn't love me, he dumped me; he tried to explain, choking on his words, something highly unusual on him.
He managed to tell me everything most importantly he told me he loved, adored me.
How he didn't knew how much time had trespassed since the last die he felt alive. The day he left. How he had no recollection of time passing, the only markers were the weather –unimportant for him- and his hunger, the one he ignored. How his insides were a constant turmoil with capacity only to think about me.
He told me how he was capable of supporting the greatest of pains if it meant my happiness and how he would follow me as soon as I left this world –one way or another- because I was a human, and my time had to come. He swore that no one, ever, not in a hundred years could have his heart, how nobody could fill my place.
And my heart re started, it was like being connected to a lifeline, my heart was functioning, something, someone, making it work, but then I had an electric shock, and it was beating loudly again, on it's own, alive.
A few hours later Charlie was warning me that the Cullens were back for good, while looking me warily, and I couldn't really blame him… I wasn't paying attention to his new rules, he didn't want that boy under his roof, or something like that; so a couple of weeks later I was spending almost all of my free time in the Cullen's. Perfectly content, blissfully unaware of my surroundings, until one day my father reminded me of my best friend. And I felt like shit, he was with me through tick and thin, and I just abandoned him.
I called him, apologized, and after some groveling he forgave me. He even met with Edward to discuss the Victoria situation at my request, there was a lot of information I could not provide, he was there when the pack found and finished her off.
Edward thanked him for keeping me from harm, took my hand and pulled me away, I couldn't even say goodbye.
Now here I am back again to my routine, the one I desired so much, the one I cried, suffered and almost died for.. I am sitting in the Cullen's living room wrapped in blankets cuddled to Edward, watching a movie and I'm happy, I belong here…
Then why this uneasiness?
Can I call this cuddling? My head against a stone, a cold rock; so different from what I'm used to now; and I miss the warmth, the softness and the simplicity of the life with Jacob, my Jacob. Yet his cold arms offered refuge, contentment.
But I wanted this, and my mind is content, having finally found sanity, the place where I belong, and it accepted what he told me. Knew he really did hope for the best. But my heart wasn't as easily convinced, It was torn, confused with so many stimulus. A huge part was relieved, resting in the familiarity of long gone things, stuff it used to cling to. The other part, screaming louder every passing second longed for a recently discovered place.
And I'm happy; I've got my prince charming, my Jane Austen story, my gentleman, the one who opens the door, and carries my books; and I want, my brain screams for the fight, the word exchange, the defending of my own positions; the world were I'm not a porcelain doll, were I'm a simple girl who is impossible clumsy.
I saw how he hid his pain; always thinking of me without stopping being himself, always true to his personality, Jacob said what was on his mind…
"I'm better, I will never hurt you" and I rolled my eyes
"I love him" he stared at me
"I know, you love me too" and I never answered, not really, not truthfully, always with evasive "you're my best fiend" or "I cannot live without him" to what he answered "you never tried" and in those moments I simply ignored all those wise words, to caught up in my momentary bliss; he was back, and everything was right, everything fell into place.
But what was right? What fell into place?? I look around and I see this beautifully, perfectly decorated place, not an unplanned color, not a misplaced cushion. And I think about my room, both here and in Phoenix, the uneven furniture, the scattered unrelated accessories…the spontaneous laughter of a bad joke, the tripping over a root, and the joking in an old dirty garage… I was 18 and I had all figured out?
There's too much silence, so much planning, so many things forced for this afternoon to work there's no spontaneity. Then the sweetest voice waked me from my musings, the sugary essence of his breath washing over my face, I turned my head toward his "what are you thinking about, love" he said while stroking my face, tracing the contours of my lips with his cold hands, as usual my breath hitched, but suddenly it wasn't so pleasant, not how I remembered it could be, warm instead of cold…"you were frowning, is there something wrong?" his beautiful topaz eyes stared at me "I thought you liked this movie" I knew they were all listening, even if they acted as our conversation wasn't happening, I looked sideways, Alice was staring at the TV, caressing Jasper's hair. And I wondered what was he feeling? My confusion, my happiness, my dread? And even more what was he thinking? What was he telling Edward?
"Bella, love? He said gaining my attention once again, and before, long time ago, before turning 18 he would never had had to do that, I was always focused in him, my surroundings simply disappearing "don't you like it?" how could I tell him that since he left I can't stand this dreamy, passionate movies, that I no longer see the romance, but pain, I see the protagonist pain, my own pain, that I can't look pass it? That the happy ending is only an excruciating reminder of what I lost? Of a long forgotten innocence?
How can I tell him that my heart is no longer devoted to him?
The paused movie shined in the background, we were now alone, the rest of the family leaving us to talk. He moved slightly his head rest against my chest, listening to my thundering heart that accelerates with his proximity, he smiles with such a simple, unconscious act and I remember I love his childish innocence, his curiosity about so many things, about me.
Because even if he is more than a 100 years old, he still enjoys, he is a boy at soul, my boy with whom I share so many things, tastes and dislikes.
With whom I'm not an abnormal girl in this high tech world, I'm just a girl that enjoys classics…
After sensing my discomfort Edward quickly changed the plans, he wasn't telling me were we were going, but Alice appeared out of nowhere with a jacket for me.
And we were running, me on his back, and I felt so free, the wind on my face, the sound of his laughter… Peace.
Our meadow, its fall and the grass is covered by yellow, orange and red leaves, colors I can't but relate with La Push, with the earthy smell of Jacob.
We are sitting enjoying the distant rays of sun, and Edward shines with them, so beautiful, so perfect.
Immobile while I trace the contours of his face with my fingers -the tips asleep from the cold- trying to re-memorize his every detail, the high check bones, the perfectly arched brows, the even nose, and his lips, lips I dreamt about, lips that intoxicate.. Then he was pulling me down against him, his mouth crashing up to mine, his lips moving sensually against mine, his hands caressing my back; and I shivered.
I couldn't quite place the sensation, was it from the electricity running through my veins or was it cold? He let go too soon for me to figure it out, pushing me away gently, and I continued my exploration, down his neck, and his chest with my fingers wishing I could replace them with my lips… as usual, when we were here he was shirtless, I used to think he had the perfect body, never having felt so much, never having been this close to anyone else ; his eyes were closed while I ran my hand over his torso, his hand tracing my lips. Again I found myself fighting with my treacherous mind, instead of enjoying my time with Edward, I was wondering if Jacob's lips would feel the same.
He had never kissed me, he respects me way too much, did he think about it?? Does he now?
But even now I can't help but wonder how would it be... How different could it be, there's no hesitancy behind Edward's lips, but there's no passion either, I know he is being careful, but I crave for so much more, not just a peck on the lips, not a mili-second half-hearted hug. I wonder if the hesitancy would be present with Jacob, if instead of cold, his heat could consume me completely, I wonder how his arms would feel around me; like his hugs; safe and comforting? Or would they make my knees tremble, somehow like that first time with Edward, but healthier, no intoxication, just the right amount to feel head lighted?
I wake up from my daydream, his hands now caressing my face; he flattens the lines between my brows… his eyes intensely on mine.
And I forgot everything that is not him.
Here in this little piece of paradise it's only us.
And I see him; really see him like I haven't in a couple of weeks.
He lifted the veil from my eyes, and showed me the colors, because before him my life was black and white, with Jacob the colors were beautiful, but I could only see the earthy ones, red, green, brown… with Edward I could see everything, every shade of the rainbow, every detail of life.
With him I was not the insignificant little plain girl next door, I wasn't the book worm and I was not simply clumsy, I was endearing.
And I enjoyed too much the days with him, when we would discuss a book, when he taught me to differentiate between Debussy and Chopin, after all it was piano, and for untrained ear like mine, they sounded pretty much the same. How he had infinite patience, and stayed with me, helped me to study, he went through stuff he saw millions of times before with out complain.
How everything implied knowledge, how I learned from every one of his words, how he looked at me. How he made sacrifices everyday to be with me, denying his very nature.
Bliss, Edward meant so much bliss…
Like that I spent my days with Edward, almost 24/7 trying to recover the wasted time, and while part of me rejoiced in this, another side of me was feeling down, because my reunions with Jacob were becoming scarce, and even like that I had to fight for those counted occasions.
The problem, Edward's problem: he was too dangerous.
Like if I couldn't make my own decisions, I was grounded for awhile, completely supervised so I couldn't escape to see him... the nerve! Until one day I had to remind him that for months there was just Jacob and me, that he would never hurt me, and that I was a person! Not his shadow, I was an adult, and he wasn't my father, or tutor.
He fought; I listened, and because there was nothing he could do to stop me but taking away my freedom. He let me go…
Of course, those days when I saw Jacob weren't completely easy, there was always the clock looming over us, always the untouched subject that caused tension and disrupted our Jake/Bells simple dynamic.
Normal, random conversations became heavy full of meaning ones, and our relationship was slipping away.
"you know, and please don't be mad" he looked straight into my eyes, and I was falling in the deep pools of black, "I'm not trying to blame him, now that I know why he left, I can have some type of respect towards him, I'm not sure I could be capable, or maybe, I don't know, after all I would do almost" almost being the key word, because Jacob was Jacob, he wasn't going to give up everything in his life for me "everything for you" I had to look away, the intensity of his look was almost as yielding as his skin "I never lied to you" I looked at him, frowning a little
"Edward never…" but he interrupted me.
"I told you the truth from day one, when I was a clumsy teenager with a crush I told you; when I said I was going to be there for you I was, even" his voice hitched a little "even when I phased, I went against direct orders to keep my promise; I told you what I am, even when there was a possibility you might never want to see me again" his hand caressed my cheek "when someone is after you, I say so, it's your life, I don't make decisions for you" I was building an argument, but there wasn't anything I could say, as always his lips only said the truth "you are not a child, and I never treated you as such. You are my equal"
Equal…
--
Nights at the Cullens were fun, for me a lot of things were new, exhilarating. Emmett made laugh, Esme took care of me, while Alice danced around, the ambient so serene, they were a family, and I was a part of them.
But with time I realized everything was exactly the same, and honestly how could I blame them? What is there to do after decades of being around? I let my mind wonder, trying to make sense of the tangled web that were my thoughts and I saw myself just like now next to Edward, just with perfect skin, and topaz eyes, would I be happy? Would I resist the tedium? The first two or three decades were going to be probably really fun, a lot to discover... but after that?
Would Edward be still treating me like a rare expensive piece of porcelain? Or would I be free? Free to be with him, to be myself?
Would I be his equal?
Every night he drove me home, every night he was there with me.
Love pure unaltered love, pure devotion. He was waiting for me sitting on the rocking chair and while I towel dried my hair wondered how he, someone who could have everything, could be anywhere, have anyone; was there waiting in my old chair; waiting for me, a simple small town, with no special features girl.
Medium and average.
Standard looking. Not ugly, nor beautiful.
Average intelligence, good at school, not bad not brilliant;
Not fun and not boring, merely occasionally entertaining.
Yet he is there looking at me like seeing an apparition, a miracle… a goddess.
His eyes shone brightly when I entered the room, a perfect crooked smile adorned his face; my breath hitched, my heart raced and he smiled widely.
"I love that sound" his musical voice lighted the room and my cheeks filled with red "when you are not around, I close my eyes and think about it; I drum my fingers to it's rhythm, I imagine new compositions to the beat of the most wonderful sound in the world" he pulled me close, wrapped me around a thick blanket and led me to the bed; I was too caught up in his beauty to notice him standing up.
He fluffed the pillows just the way I liked; I lay down and he tucked me in; in a second he was gone and back with a glass of water; he turned the light off and sat on the end of the bed watching me. He was too considerate, putting my necessities long before his. All that mattered was me, what I wanted, what I needed.
"Besides your heartbeat, this is my favorite thing, watching you sleep"
I stretched my hand and he laced his fingers with mine, and lay by my side. He started to hum my lullaby and I fell asleep in my own paradise.
Then I was dreaming of heat, comfortable, warmth, I felt safe... brown, green…
Then there was the cold in my back, I turned around and I saw blue, grey, and shine, there was no sun, no moon, yet it wasn't dark.
Suddenly I was hot, it was too hot, suffocating all around me; the heat surrounding me unbearable; there was something soft holding me, a husky sound lulling me, bringing me to the fire; scorching. Soft but yielding; I couldn't breath, there was no air, hot too hot…brown all I saw was brown, green, trees on fire, all burning; Jacob, Jacob holding me, trapping me… too hot, uncomfortable.
I woke up in a sweat; there were no screams, just ragged sobs "ok, it's ok love, I'm here" his cool breath washed over me, filling my lungs with its sweetness.
I cuddled closer to him, trying to erase the heat of my body "yes, I know" my words acknowledging that I was save, that he loved me, and that I was dreaming of another man "did I say something?"
"No" I didn't think so, I always said something, mumbled words, and again I was afraid of the hurt I was causing, did I say his name?
"Really" I looked at him, and I knew he lied, I had say something; his eyes avoided mine, I arched an eyebrow
"You just repeated 'no'" no? No what? Oh God, what did I say? His jaw was strained "I have to go; I don't want to go"
"Edward I…"
"Don't worry, go back to sleep, I'll be here in the morning when you wake up"
And I knew he meant it, it didn't matter what I said, if I said I loved Jacob, he would still be by my side.
---
Carlisle, Alice, Edward and Emmet were on a hunting trip; I took advantage of the time, and went to my second favorite place in the world. Jacob's garage.
Then out of the blue he was talking about that Sunday school we both had to go when we were little, on Charlie's insistence, not Renee's, of course we were on different 'grades' I could already read alone, and he was a tiny toddler; but we were taught the same biblical stories..
"You know… that creepy story we were told?" I looked at him clearly not knowing what he was talking about "the guy that said that a baby had to be cut on halves?" I knew, but I didn't understand were he was going with the topic
"Yes... and?"
"That was the solution the king gave for the two mothers, because they couldn't give the baby up"
"Yeah, I remember." He looked back at my face.
"Honey, I can't do it anymore, I love you too much to cause you more suffering" how could I say that I was the bad one here, that I was the one causing pain? "I want you to be happy, and if the happiness I give you is not enough, please, search for that thing that makes you shine, that thing that takes my breathe away, that that makes you, you, that spark.."
And it hurt so much, he was giving me up, he was giving his dreams, his heart up, for me to be happy. And we were both hurting so much, all of us; the three of us. But he was giving me a choice, albeit painful and hard, he wasn't making decisions for me, he was asking me to understand, to take him, or to give him up.
He was not abandoning me.
Edward came back, and with him my time for Jacob lessened, he was in a particularly annoying mood. He wanted to discuss the future, conversation that went against my new policies, I've had him back for far too little, just a couple of months, and I wanted to make the most of every single second. The future was not pleasant, not when I wasn't sure of my feelings, when I didn't understand my own heart.
After telling me that Alice sometimes couldn't see me, and wondering why I was acting 'distant' he begun talking about plans, college, and cities to live in... I wasn't paying much attention, wondering why Alice couldn't see me, and measuring how could be that hurting Edward.
"Jasper says you are really uneasy lately, that your feelings are confusing" I stared at him, trying not to get annoyed over the fact that he was looking at me and not the road "you are giving him headache" he joked trying to lighten the mood.
"Oh" I didn't know what to say.
"He says you think too hard and that you are not enjoying your time"
What did Jasper knew? He had no idea.
"What do you want me to say?"
"What is wrong, am I doing something to bother you?" his hand caressed mine "Lately it seems like you are never listening to me, every time I try to say something serious you space out"
I don't know were all of what I said came from, I was looking at him, and in the next moment I was shouting, I guess I never asked for a real explanation of his absence, I accepted it too fast, and a part of me resented it, felt insecure, and wanted safety, wanted something that meant he was not leaving again…
"I can't live like this, always over analyzing your words, your actions, trying to decipher the moment you will leave again, rationally I understand why you did it, it was a rushed decision that was supposed to be taken as a couple, but I get it… sentimentally, I don't know, if I was insecure before, can you imagine how I feel now? Dreading the minute when you will go again, thinking on how I will survive all that again?"
He was quiet the rest of the way, he was dropping me over the treaty border, where I was meeting Jacob for the day, while he had an impromptu hunting expedition
When Jacob saw me he decided wisely not to say anything. We took the rabbit back to his house without saying a word. I think my murderous expression was enough to keep him from talking.
"Bella?" Jacob said and I tried my best not to turn around to look a t him. We were on our place on First beach, about an hour later, the sun was setting, and the stray rays were illuminating his beautiful skin, his black hair shone brightly... and how could I not love him; it was so very easy; and I realized that I there was no need of big productions, of huge scenarios and perfection to be happy.
No, I needed him, the easiness of a conversation about TV shows, and the depth of life and death on a single afternoon; the mud on my trainers and the grease stains on his jeans; the hand lifting me up after falling and the chuckle after checking my welfare. Then the constant maddening teasing, because even if I would annoy me, it would make me laugh too.
The endless, equal, monthly bonfires, the trading of stories, the believe in fantasy, not the cynical, plain retold of history, the vitality of the passing years and their particular stories, the thrumming of hearts, the rhythm of breathing; the scars, the never fading scars… the joy of new activities, the discovery of something… not the boring patron of known behaviors, the anticipation of events, and the suffocating security in every step.
A random day after classes Alice dragged me to Port Angeles, she said she needed a new dress, and if we were already there I could have one too…
She didn't told me until it was too late to escape, we were hunting for the perfect wedding dress for an impromptu wedding in Las Vegas
"Who is getting married?"
"Me!" she said happily, and I was glad for her… I was! But shopping wedding dresses was not the plan I had in mind, it was a uncomfortable reminder of the word future, of the fact I had to choose "I had a vision, and I saw that in our next hunting trip, Jasper is going to try to be spontaneous… of course he is not, but is so sweet…" she kept talking about her vision and I wondered if my life was going to be like that from now own, every detail perfectly planned, my every movement known by the entire family, always knowing what the next day would bring… my whole day, my whole existence a routine…
Thankfully Edward rescued me in his shiny silver Volvo, and I had to laugh, I was certainly the damsel in distress, with a knight in shiny armor to rescue her "hello love" he said and his marble lips brushed against mine.
"Hey" I answered dazzled
"Are you ok?" he asked concerned. I grumbled and nodded "Are you sure?" he looked intensely at me, like if I could break down and I resisted the urge to roll my eyes, yes it was annoying, yes, I hated this kind of plans, but Alice was not a mass murderer –although she could and I shivered at the thought; and of course he eyed me warily- nothing was going to happen to me.
And I couldn't help the onslaught of images that came to mind. Because Jacob would laugh his butt off; he would be practically rolling on the floor mocking me, after all I was wearing some stupid cocktail dress, and trying to maintain the balance in some damned high heels. Quil or Embry would possibly be with him and I would be laughing with them, red to the roots of my hair, trying desperately to find a way of bargain their silence; otherwise the pack would turn la Push into hell…
A few days later they both talked about that... the future.
Again…
Edward told me how beautiful I looked with that dress Alice finally bought for me, and how he would have loved to see me in a wedding dress, to what I couldn't help but shudder, marriage?? I'm not even done with high school. Alice was nearby and she took part of the conversation "you would have looked beautiful with the second I showed you, remember" I nodded; I wasn't paying attention to her "maybe with the cleavage of the third."
"Sure, sure" I smiled, I was talking like him now… and my boyfriend noticed too, he wasn't smiling.
"Have you thought about it?" I heard Alice's voice
"What?"
"About your wedding?" she was smiling at Edward
"Uhmm, no" I answered honestly. Alice's face fell; I imagine I was denying her some great planning, and I tried to ignore Edward's expression, but form the corner of my eyes I saw his composure disappear for a second, dreams crushed with a single word that fell from my lips.
"You still think about it?" I watched Alice's figure disappear, and turned my head to look at Edward "becoming one of us?"
"Yes" he, once again, stared me warily, trying I guess to decipher my thoughts
"Are you sure?" he wrapped an arm around me, so I was practically sitting in his lap, and I was freezing "I still think the same way I did before, you know" he was quiet for a couple of seconds "I wouldn't want to damn you" I tried to protest, but his slender finger was over my lips "you deserve so much more. But I'm too selfish, I want you for me, to be with me" he put emphasis on the last word "it thrills me that you still want me so much…"
Did I? I wanted him, loved, needed him; but how much?
"But you seem so hesitant, I can see you are happy when you are with me; but is it enough? Do you want something more; someone else?
"What?" I asked nervous, was I that transparent?
"You are not the same; your heart is not the same"
"Edward, I love you" he smiled, that tortured smile that didn't reach his eyes
"I know that, and I'm so honored, I don't deserve that love" he shook his head a little "but you are not longer as constant as you were"
"Ahh" I was speechless, what was that supposed to mean?
"Don't worry, I didn't mean anything bad, I'm saying that you have more options, that you want another option, that your instincts are finally working, and you're rooting for life… at least a part of you is"
I shook my head, tears falling down my cheeks
"I get it Bella" his almost black eyes were swimming in turmoil, full of emotions I could not completely identify, pain, shame, defeat and some more "I left you, he hasn't" he held my hand, tracing my veins "what do you want? If you need me to leave…"
"No!" I said without thinking, my chest tightening painfully
"If my presence here causes you so much pain" he pulled my arm off around my middle "I will go, and I will let you have the life you deserve, the life I want for you"
Crying so hard I couldn't listen to anything but my sobs, clinging to him, as strongly as my weak human arms allowed me "But I love you so much" I was not sure he could actually understand what I was saying "I cannot exist without you, you are everything"
And he was.
He was everything I ever dreamt of, everything I ever desired, hoped for, he was my childhood dreams, he represented my future, he was the center of my universe; nothing worked properly with out him. Still there was something else inside me, another Bella, a new Bella, one that behaved like a teenager, and loved spontaneity, one that was not afraid. A different person from the one I knew the first 18 years of life.
The night ended after another half hour of discussion, I was crying too hard and couldn't speak. He asked me to think, to really think, to feel, and to choose what was right; he said he was always going to love me, and that love meant he wanted what was best for me.
The words were so similar it surprised me, Jacob could be so wise, and being 90 years younger didn't change that fact. How was I supposed to decide? How could I?
I was in La Push a Saturday watching terror movies with Jacob, laughing so hard my sides hurt. That until the third movie -about some zombie bride- was over and we decided to head out, we were quiet until he brought that day to the surface…
"Why didn't you tell me" his voice was shaking, I turned to see him; His face was contorted in pain, what had I done now? Why was I causing him pain again, how?
"What?"
"I think congratulations are in order" I looked at him full of curiosity.
"What are you talking about?"
"You're getting married" I stopped breathing "Emily saw you in Port Angeles, going out of a bride's boutique with them, and with a lot of bags"
I couldn't stand the hurt in his voice, nor could I ignore the shaking of our log in the beach "please calm down" I heard him taking deep breaths "I'm not getting married" the shaking stopped "Alice dragged me there, looking a dress for her"
"Oh" was all he said, and then he was crushing me against him hugging me
"Jake, air..." I managed to choke, he chuckled a little, the pain still in his voice and his eyes
"It's just I want that with you" he lifted my chin with his thumb, we were so close… "I want a life, a future with you, I know we are too young, but I know there will never be other girl for me Bella"
His warm breath washed over my face and I closed my eyes, his lips brushed gently over my forehead "I can see us Bella, picking a house, fighting over the toothpaste, lying under the stars on a cloudless night, cuddled on the beach…"
And I could see it too, I could see so much more, I could see myself in a white dress, nothing ostentatious, but simple, I could see Charlie and Billy laughing and patting each others back, I could see myself in all those little places life had to offer me, and none of it caused dread, I could see my self saying yes on a sunny beach…
"I want that Jacob, I want it with you, but, I can't, I love him"
"I know that already Bells" he hesitated "that's not the point here, because you love me too" I was going to say something but he continued "and that's not the point either" I wanted to cry, I was hurting him so much, and I couldn't stand to see his heart broken, how could I cause him pain, the lovely boy, man that always stood by my side even at my worst "please, don't cry, I can't stand it" I took a deep breath, the familiar smell of the ocean filling my lungs "the important thing here, Is what you want, because that's what I want for you"
The night was getting cold, so we headed inside, his words hung heavily around us and I didn't know how to act, what to say… but he acted normally, holding my hand he led me inside where Billy was waiting with some take out and the three of us had dinner.
As soon as Billy was out, he wrapped one hand about my face, the other gripping the nape of my neck, as his lips molded against my own.
The suddenness of his action caught my off-guard but after dreaming about it, I reacted as I thought I should. My fingers briefly clutched his forearm his hands drifting from my face, one settling on my waist. The other briefly rested upon my arm, before joining the other as he pulled me flush up against him.
Confusion ensnared me for a moment as I teetered between what was right and what was simply want before reality leapt swiftly through the chaos of emotions … rational and desire were one. Even if part of my brain told me to pull away; I wanted his kiss, his touch. With that thought the stiffness of my body vanished; and I was responding the kiss .Parting my lips, I rested my hands gingerly upon his shoulders, my fingers sliding across his soft russet skin. I was lost in the moment. Savoring the feel; the taste of him - this man.
After a while he pulled apart breathing as heavily as me, and I looked at him. A beautiful smile adorned his features and for a second I was happy too, until I saw his eyes, full of pride and self accomplishment. Arrogant
And I had the urge to slap him, but I knew better, in that scenario I would be the one getting hurt. I guess he clearly saw my expression changing and adapted his own "Bells…that was amazing"
"No""
"No?" he sounded disappointed. Again, he always ended sounding like that after a conversation with me
"Yes… No... I don't know" he was grinning now "it's wrong, I'm dating him" and as soon I let my mind wonder over to Edward I felt dirty, soiled.
"how can this be wrong when it feels so right, I know you want it too, stop fighting with yourself" he was caressing my cheek, and I pulled away, as far as possible in his tiny kitchen. So fast I couldn't see, he was in front of me, his lips on mine once more.
I tied to push him; I tried to bring him closer.
He let go and I ran to my truck trying to get away, trying in vain to shut my conscience, making a futile intent to convince myself that that didn't happen, that it was simply another dream. That I didn't kiss another man; trying to forget how his warmth enclosed me; how head lighted I felt.
I had kissed another man, and now I was on my way to Edward, my boyfriend's house. I decided to stop home and take a shower.
The next week school was pretty boring, it was a particularly sunny time and I was alone while the Cullens were 'camping' Friday came sluggishly, my torture ending, or so I thought.
On my drive home my cell rang –my lullaby- my heart skipped a beat; I slowed down, and answered.
"hello" the lovely voice said "what are you doing?"
"Hey… I'm driving home, my week without you was hell" he chuckled
"So was mine, I miss you a lot, you know…." then I heard the bipping sound alerting me of another call "answer that, I'll wait for you"
"Ok, love you" and I received the other call, the voice that was on this side of the line was capable of making my heart race… instantly my mouth broke into a smile
"Bells what are you doing? Can you come over?" off course I could, after all my week was crappy, Jacob was the perfect solution, everything about him was fun.
"Sure! See you in ten" I hung up and the cell rang again. Crap I had hung up on Edward. I picked the phone as quickly as my nervous hands allowed me. "Hi"
"So, I was thinking on returning earlier, I could be back at Forks around 7. And we could go to Port Angeles, to a movie and dinner, how does it sound?" I couldn't breathe, I knew there was nothing wrong about going out with my best friend while my boyfriend was out of town, only that he wasn't just my best friend "Or do you have plans?" he asked after a minute of silence.
I felt like I was cheating on him, I could have said I was going to visit Jacob, but the words wouldn't come out "I … uhmm, no, no, but" now what, what was I supposed to say? "I'm not feeling very well, I'm going to take a shower, and go to bed early" that sounded such like an excuse… it said I don't want to be with you "but you can come over and keep me company" I added trying to fix things, to feel better.
"Are you ok?" he sounded genuinely worried, now I felt worst
"Yes, it's nothing, it's just that I haven't had a good night's sleep this past nights and I'm tired"
"Oh, alright, are you sure?" I wanted to cry, I couldn't believe I was lying to him, he always understood, never judged.
"Yes" I hated how easy the words rolled out of my tongue "I'll see you later?"
"Of course love"
"Bye"
"Bye, I love you" I hung up once more, before answering anything, I couldn't trust my voice at the moment.
I was behaving like a cunning, manipulative scarlet woman, I was luring two men to me, and I didn't know how to stop. I couldn't decide, and I couldn't be without them, I was selfish, and I couldn't do anything about it…for months I danced over my indecision, ignoring the facts, ignoring all my heart screamed at me.
I dialed Jacob's number before my voice turned into sobs "hello, Bella?"
"Hey Jake, I'm sorry, but I can't go tonight"
"Oh.." it was all he said, he sounded disappointed "are you ok?"
"Yes, well, sorta'" he interrupted me concern replacing the disappointment
"Are you sick, do you need anything?"
"nop, I'm just tired, and I want to sleep" now I was lying to him too, what was wrong with me!?
"Call me"
"Sure" I hung up on him too. I arrived home, parked the truck without paying attention and ran, fumbled with the keys and cursed my clumsiness.
I closed the door with all my strength and the sound followed me to the stairs
I was such a bitch!
When did I become such a monster?
When did I start to make people suffer? And why I kept doing this?
I was hurting them both, my reasons to exist; the most important people in my heart, my throbbing, stupid heart. How could I love two guys in such a way??
And I saw every frown, every word; every expression I made that caused them pain, my boasting on my happiness with one while being with the other. My bloody selfishness…
So many things I did, so many things I said.
So many others I didn't utter. Many things I didn't act on.
I threw myself on my bed.
There was not any trace of the warmth, or the known comfortable cold. I was alone and numb.
There were not shared weights in here, just the pain I caused, just my responsibility, there was no escaping now, I couldn't keep living this half live, forcing them to have just a part of what they needed, there was no way of diminishing my guilt, tonight I was doing it, I was killing someone, and my heart in the process, one of them would die, and I would be the assassin, not them both with super strength, no, me fragile Bella was putting off a light from this world.
Hours passed and it was getting dark outside, I remembered Charlie and guilt assaulted once again, a whole different type this time, how I was going to let my father to see me like this, after all the pain I put him trough, too…
I went to the bathroom to take a shower, and I thought about my life, about everything, and I realized I had to make a decision, it didn't matter what happened to me, I didn't deserve happiness at all, but they did. And I was going to set them free… I was being honest.
I got dressed, trying to look presentable, and started dinner when the phone ringed
And I cursed, who could possibly be now, there was someone else to rip its heart out? I picked the receiver.
"Bells are you sure you're ok?" Jacob's voice was on the other side, thick with worry "you sounded really weird; I didn't say a thing because you were driving" he let a small –I could tell- forced chuckle.
His voice didn't bring the usual relieve; this time it didn't mean happiness or relieve; on the contrary it brought a heavy burden an unbearable guilt.
"Yes, Jacob" my voice was hoarse from all the crying and broke; I tried to maintain some composure for his sake "I'm just tired"
"Tired? Tired from what?"
"Everything, I'm just… I can't deal with this anymore"
"Bells…." I was breathing heavily fighting to get a little air to my lungs
"Jake I have to go; I'm sorry, really sorry"
"Don't worry honey, its fine"
"NO! It's not" my voice an octave higher "I'm hurting him; I'm hurting you; I can't keep doing this, I love him too much, I almost die for him… I need to make things right"
"Bella I love you; please…." He was in so much pain and I couldn't stand it anymore
"I know, I do too, but…I can't Jake, bye" and I cut the communication sobbing heavily.
Tonight I was the one biting sucking the blood out; I was the one with fangs, ripping someone's body apart, throwing the pieces to the fire. Tonight I was the monster.
And the truth is that they never were, they always tended for me, always put themselves second. They were so different, but so similar, it was impossible to imagine why did I deserve such incredible men in my life.
And I thought, hard, I re traced the last year and a half of my life, how was I before meeting them, how I changed when Edward became a part of my life, how broken I was when he left. How Jacob found me, how he picked the pieces up, and carefully slowly, with patience stitched them one by one, taking time to iron every wrinkle, to clean every smudge.
I thought about the last months, when I had them both at the same time, I tried to pin point the moment when I became confused, when my heart stopped beating for Edward and started functioning for Jacob, but I couldn't, I tried to compare my feelings for them, how the entered my life, but it was impossible.
Edward had arrived suddenly, drastically changing everything around me, making me feel new things. Jacob came progressively, little by little, action by action warming my heart and melting Edward out, with him I simply felt again, re discovering tastes, becoming young again without responsibilities, no parents to take care of just the space to have fun. With him I was a girl, and I grew by his side.
And I thought not about them, but about life around them, because in the midst of the surreal routine my life with the Cullens represents, I missed the normalcy of a walk on the beach instead of dealing with the latest tech, the thrill of known warm sodas instead of the awkwardness of a full cupboard in a house where no one eats.
How I was Bella, a person. Not Bella the extension, not Bella the infatuated, brainless, child. Just a girl like them; a girl from the pack trying to figure life out.
Then it suddenly clicked, the pain was still there worst than ever, because I knew what I wanted, I couldn't hide behind excuses, behind confused feelings, I knew what I had to do.
And I knew that the excruciating pain I felt when James bit me was nothing compared to the anguish I was about to cause. The venom burning my veins was heaven, because I was about to kill, to torture someone.
Dinner came and went…
Too soon for my liking I was upstairs alone in my room waiting for him.
My mind shouting at my stupidity, my hands shaking, my vision blurred and I tried to stop, I really tried to, at least he deserved that much, a controlled capable of speech Bella, from time to time I managed to breath, to gain some composure that didn't last much.
I wasn't even aware of his presence until his hand curved around my neck and the force of his motion brought my face to him. I don't know what he saw in me when he arrived, but our reunion wasn't the same as always, he pulled me close to him, pushing his lips to mine with bruising force. His kiss was desperate, full of the passion and the abandon he never showed.
When his mouth lowered I couldn't do anything, not just because of the suddenness of the action, but because my brain was fogged and denied any attempt to halt the feel of his lips capturing mine.
His palm felt amazing on my too hot neck, and his fingers roughly caressed her face as my arms rose instinctively to encircle him. However, he pulled away before I could react, before I could stop him, or do something more. Gazing down at my shocked expression with a tortured smile, he lightly held my chin between his fingers for a moment.
I knew my face held a look of surprise, plus a twinge of anger, and a lot of shame.
He was at my mercy and I couldn't believe I, his natural prey had so much power over him; I was crushing him, without moving, I was cutting his oxygen supply. Just with one look I was ripping away any hope, any twinge of happiness, I was taking away, denying him the possibility of something else, of finding amusement in his long and homogeny existence
"Edward..."
"I understand" he said, barely audible, he was rooted to the same spot, looking at me. I had no opportunity to say anything else, because he was hugging me, and I was clinging to his shirt. He pulled away to again stare at me.
Still he was too still… he never acted like this around me, he appeared somewhat human…
Wavering, suffering, torn, he looked torn
I had caused this, the hurt in his eyes, and the knowledge that I was the one to put him in this situation was just unbearable. How? How could I do it? Why didn't I die? Why am I still here causing so much despair?
And I knew there was not another path for him even if he wanted this, I knew he had nothing else; I had my beautiful, sweet, caring Jacob. He on the other side had nothing.
A loving mother, a compassionate father, and a group of caring siblings weren't enough.
I knew, because when he left nothing was enough, not even the greatest dream come true would be sufficient, nothing, absolutely nothing could fill the black hole that resided now in his heart.
The one I had created.
The same one that almost killed me.
The difference was that I was a human, he was a stone, I changed, while his nature didn't wavered, no not like a stone, because there was nothing at all that could change the way his heart belonged to me, I couldn't give it back, there was no possibility, there was nothing I could do, a rock can be broken, shifted; his heart couldn't. No more like a diamond that is not changed even by the constant washing of the water, a diamond never changes, or fades, it stays true to its nature, shape shifting, but the same at core.
There was no need to speak. There were no words.
I knew if he could cry, his tears would be worst than mine, I could imagine his elegant frame shaking with the force of the sobs overtaking him.
A month, just a month before, and the claim Jacob had on my heart wouldn't be enough to overtake his. 30 days and I would have given him my life.
"I'm sorry" I said whispering "how I'd like to be with you, but... I can't, not now" I knew he could hear my lame excuse perfectly.
And I was hugging him close to me not wanting to let go, because he was my paradise, my heaven, my safe house; my perfection; and I was giving him up.
I was trading consideration for struggle, maturity for young impulses. Cold for heat and safety for risk. Eternal devotion for an unknown future and I couldn't help but cringe and to wish for a different outcome, to force my entire being to change, to make another decision.
He pressed his lips against my forehead, both of my eyelids; my nose, my cheeks and finally my lips; too briefly.
"I will forever and always be in love with you" his soft voice sang and once again tears overtook me "no don't cry love" he was trapping the tears between his fingers "this is what I want, this is why I left; for you to have a complete, fulfilling life" his expression was set; his features revealed no pain; but his eyes betrayed his composure reflecting the anguish. I cried harder "Don't you cry, or suffer over me, I will be waiting for you" he was so close, yet so far, still mine but I couldn't take the claim "just promise me you will live; you will do everything in your hands, the impossible to be happy" he smiled sadly "and if you change your mind in one, five, ten, fifty years, let me now; I'll be waiting" I couldn't breathe how was that I was giving him up? When I loved him so? "Don't you cry, please love; I'll be watching over you"
And I kept crying, I apologized between sobs dozens of times and he held me until tiredness beat me and sleep clamed my aching body.
When I woke up, more tired than anything he wasn't there; I his place a single red rose –without thorns- was placed.
The next morning I waited until Charlie was out, got dressed and drove as fast as my truck and my puffy eyes allowed. In my head images of Edward mixed with images of Jacob. The first's pain and what I thought was the expression Jacob was having as soon as he could see my truck.
My night was awful; there weren't words to describe it.
Suddenly I was on La Push, stopping in front of the old red barn like house, and I was being pulled out of the car into a pair of war arms.
"I thought" Jacob said, his voice confused and drowsy, and I guess he didn't sleep either "you said… I…" he was speechless… I had made Jacob speechless... in other situation I would have laughed. He pressed closer, and I rejoiced in the warmth "what are you doing here?" his voice cautious. He pushed me a little to see my face, my eyes brimming with unshed tears "Bella?" he caressed my cheek and I hiccupped "I'm glad to see you, but honey. I thought you…" he couldn't finish as I broke into sobs. He picked me up and carried me inside.
"I can´t believe you are here with me" and honestly I couldn't either.
He dropped me gently on his living room floor, next to the battered couch "you have no idea what you mean to me" he was standing in front of me "of how gorgeous you are" he was smiling my sweet smile.
I had no words; I was on unknown ground, on his court.
I was afraid of the amount of emotions rolling through my body, and I certainly couldn't ignore the desire coursing alongside as well, the memory of his kiss was burning me. His smile faded as he leaned forward slightly, the heat from his body mingling with the waves flooding through me. His eyes were wide with that mixture of fear and desire, and I could not tear my gaze from him and couldn't control the rapid, heady beating of my heart as he moved in closer.
His lips parted, and I felt his breath rushing over me. My lids fluttered close just a moment before his mouth descended upon mine. And in the sensuous feel of his lips there was the same passion of their first kiss, but the other feelings behind it were overwhelming me; his sweetness, the softness and gentleness with which he captured my mouth.
He deepened the kiss, ensnaring his fingers into my hair. And I was lost in him, aware of only him … the heat, the scent, the feel of him. When he suddenly pulled away, I was completely filled with a sense of desolation and my body cried out for the return of his lips.
I spent the whole day with Jacob, in the morning we sat on our place at the beach, just enjoying the others company, he didn't ask anything and I was so very grateful, he knew me too well, and I just couldn't talk about it. About the night that changed my history; his history, the one that ripped me apart. Our hands wondering over the other, hands, cheeks, lips, arms, back…. Everything we could, but couldn't touch before.
Lips on lips
Hands on hands
Foreheads against the other, breaths mingling, eyes connecting; smile mirroring smile….
A perfect day, for a couple of hours I forgot about my night, after all Jacob was my sun, the one who managed to light the darkest of moments.
Kiss, laugh and little explanations, not today; today we were together, it was about us.
After a while I started speaking and I couldn't stop the words rolling out of my mouth, and I was disgusted by them at first, but after a few seconds they made some sense. I said something about being friends, about how he was going to be my best friend always, above everything –because Jake's friendship brought me back to life, and was the thing I valued more in my life- about graduation, and how I was going to be friends with Edward, because he was not moving away just yet -the constant mobilization of a family was too noticeable, and brought suspicions, after graduation they were going to Alaska, or something- and how this was a good thing, because I loved him too, and I couldn't just forget him, at this Jacob frowned and he looked so much older than me.
"Didn't you just came here? Didn't you break up with him??" he was pained, and it hurt to see the distaste in his expression, the mistrust.
"Yes, but just as happens with you, he is in my heart, and I would be lying to you if I say I'm over him. I need to mourn, properly this time, I need to close the hole in my chest, I need to be whole to be with you, and for that I need space"
"Space?? We were talking about him being close to you and now you say space?? Just form me??" he was raising his voice.
"From both, Jake, I want, no need to be with you, but I want to give more than I can right now, I want to be your friend!"
"Friend??" he spat the word with so much force I winced
"Yes!"
"didn't you chose me? Don't you want to be with me?"
"Yes I did choose you, and YES of course I want….but not now, I can't!!" Jacob stared dumbly at me, not knowing how to interpret my words, and in all honesty they weren't making much sense; not even for myself
But the more I said, the more I understood, a big part of the confusion I felt, torn between Jacob and Edward had nothing to do with them, but with me, Jacob's Bella and Edward's Bella, the same, but not one, so similar yet so different.
"I understand if you can't wait for me; you already have for a long time; you have to make your life, with, or without me I'd prefer the former but…" I saw his face, and the feelings there were confusing, there was pain, so much pain, but this time albeit guilty I didn't chastised me, I had to do it, and I was selfish again… no because I was doing this for the both of us, we both deserved happiness, full happiness. He after giving so much couldn't receive in exchange a fragmented girl who didn't know anything about herself.
"I have to be me, to rediscover myself, I can't continue being someone's Bella, I have to be me, to be able to be without someone. I'm sorry I love you so much; but to be with you I have to find myself." With the pain, and sadness, Jake's face was full of pride, his eyes shone with a force that rendered me speechless… I wasn't blissfully swept of my feet, I didn't have my fairy tale ending, this was real, and in the understanding of me, of him I found happiness, real, palpable happiness. And yet I don't understand what I did to deserve someone like him…
He came close to me, and his expression changed, I had no idea of what he was thinking, his face a mask. And sadness overtook me, what was he thinking? Was he going to make me leave? I wanted him, but if he couldn't take me, I would understand, I, like Edward for me, would do anything to keep Jacob happy, more like Jake for me, almost everything, because I had to be true to myself. I had to be me, the one he loved.
I wrapped my arms around his waist, sobbing helplessly before raising my hands to rest upon his shoulders. His face was ravaged with pain as he clutched me tightly to him. Pulling away, he looked down at my face … his expression changed so quickly I couldn't exactly know what he was thinking, what he was feeling.
Tears ran unchecked down my cheeks and my whole frame shook with the force of my crying. My eyes met his for a brief moment, before his gaze fell to my trembling lips and he kissed me again … a goodbye kiss.
I raised my face to his, offering no resistance and my arms found their place on his shoulders, my fingers running through his silky hair, diving through the ebony strands. His hands rose to encircle my face, but he held back, pulling away.
I, however, clung to him without reservation, my lips pressed against his in desperate longing and he pulled away again. As he did, my mouth followed in need.
Other kiss and another right before that, all of them full of love, of promise, of understanding.
This goodbye was bittersweet, he told me he would wait, because there was no one else, and said that was glad of my decision, because he couldn't continue being a shoulder to cry on, he wanted to be a whole body, a hand to hold, a mouth to kiss, an arm to hold, a chest to lean on, a heart to love. The shoulder would still be there of course when needed, but he hoped that his smile had more time than his shoulder…
"I'll see you this next week?" his voice has hopeful
"Of course, let's ride our bikes, it's been a while" I smiled and he kissed me one las time.
I finally had what I was looking for, so close and yet unattainable.
An hour or so later I hoped in my truck gave Jacob a watery smile and drove home.
.
.
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Uhm, well, this was really difficult to write… I hope you enjoyed it
Please leave a review, they are a good, really good thing to build a writers confidence.