Jen sighed deeply as she stared at the garden below. She was standing in a hall, dressed for battle. She heard footsteps from behind and turned to see Edmund and Trumpkin walking up to her. "Are you all right Jenny?" Edmund asked, using his own little nick-name. Jen looked down at her boots. "I'm not sure." She replied. Edmund moved closer, intending to comfort her, but she turned away. Staring out the window again, she listened to Edmund say, " Trumpkin, could you possibly meet me in the courtyard?" Trumpkin muttered something under his breathe and left.
Edmund placed his hand on Jen's shoulder." What's bothering you Jen?" Jen fought to keep from crying. "I miss my family! I want to go home and see my mother. I miss her so badly Edmund." "I thought you liked Narnia." Edmund moved closer and laid his arm on Jen's shoulders. "I do like it here Edmund. That's the problem...I don't ever want to leave but I miss my family so much." "I don't want to leave Narnia either. Nor does, Peter or Susan or Lucy. But we are going to leave. And then you can see your family." Jen still didn't look at Edmund but kept her gaze out the window. "Aslan once told me that you don't realize how much you miss your family until your away from them." Jen finally turned around and looked at Edmund. "You know, you changed when you came back from Narnia. Last year I always thought of you as..." Jen couldn't think of the right word and Edmund filled in for her. "A whiny little brat?" Jen gave a small smile. "Yes." Edmund laughed. "I was a brat. I was spoiled and I didn't know the meaning of love. And I have changed, a lot."
A look of fear crossed Jen's face. "You were in a battle before, weren't you?" Edmund nodded. He must have known she was scared for he said, "You don't have to go if you don't want to. You can stay with Lucy if you want." Jen shook her head, determined not to let her fear get the better of her. "I'm not strong enough Edmund. I'm terrified." Edmund pulled Jen close to him, wrapping her in his arms. Jen burried her face in his chest and sobbed softly. Her crys broke Edmunds heart. He stroked her hair, his hand on the back of her head. After a few minutes she got her copmoser back together and said, "I'm sorry Edmund. I'm sorry I acted so silly."
Edmund wiped the tears from Jen's face with his thumb. "Not everynody can be strong Jen. I wasn't always...last time I was here I betrayed my family and Lucy's friend, Tumnus. I also betrayed Aslan and all the Narnian's. But most of all Jen, I betrayed myself." Edmund had tears falling down his face. He cried as he spoke, remembering the last time he was in Narnia. Jen wrapped her arms around Edmunds waist and held him to her, this time, comforting him. Edmund sighed and said, "I'm sorry Jen. I didn't mean to break down in front of you. I have been trying to show a strong front but the truth is...I'm scared. I don't know if I will ever be able to go into battle like Peter and Susan, without showing fear, maybe without feel in any fear." "I can't do it Edmund. I can't go! I don't want to. I don't want to go kill people and watch them die. I just can't. Please, don't think me a coward." Edmund shook his head, "Never."
"Hello Lucy." Lucy looked up from where she sat on the stone table. "Aren't you going on the raid?" Jen shook her head. "I'm too..." Jen hesitated, embarassed to talk about it to someone who wanted nothing more than to go with her siblings. "Scared?" Lucy finished the sentance for Jen. "It's all right to be scared Jen. I may look calm on the outside but I am terrified. I don't want to go on the raid because I'm brave...I want to go to watch over my siblings. I'm afraid I will lose them...do know how many friends we could lose if this didn't turn out well?" Jen hoisted her small frame up onto the Stone Table. "Edmund told me about the battle against the White Witch. You didn't fight in that one did you?" Lucy shook her head. "No, I didn't. But a few years later I fought in another battle against a band of unfriendly giants. It wasn't something I want to do again, but it kills me to watch my siblings ride off to battle without me." Jen laughed bitterly. "Now your just making me feel bad." Luce looked disturbed, "I'm sorry Jen, I didn't mean to. I was just trying to explain how it feels..." Jen held up a hand. "It's all right Luce. I didn't mean it in a bad way. I just...although I feel bad that I am not going with everyone else, I also feel releved that I'm staying." "That's exactly how I feel." Jen smiled at Luce and felt mystified by the fact that a nine year old could give her advise and actually make her feel better about her decision not to go."
Sometime during the middle of the night, Lucy fell asleep, leaving Jen to think. She had felt ashamed about her descion to stay with Lucy, when Queen Susan the Gentle had gone on the raid. But after talking to Lucy, she hadn't felt so guilty and was extremely happy to have stayed.
Jen was on the ground, leaning against the Stone Table when she fell asleep, head on her knees. She slept that way all night until Lucy shook her shoulder saying, "Wake up Jen, they are back." It took Jen a few seconds to understand what Lucy meant but then she jumped up, ignoring the screams from her sore body. "Let's go."
As she ran, following closely behind Lucy, she felt a horrible fear take over her body, and many thoghts clouded her mind. Were they all right. Was Edmund hurt? Was he still alive. Would he be out there?
Jen scolded herself for thinking such thoughts. As Jen ran out of the ruins, she found the sun to be blinding and it took a few minutes for her eyes to ajust. No sooner had the ajusted, did she see Peter and Caspian walking up, glaring at each other, Susan between them. She felt suddenly relived when she saw Edmund behind his brother, holding Trumpkin in his arms. She turned her head to see Aryian, a centaur, bow her head sadly and allow tears to find there way down her face. Jen could hear Lucy ask, "What happened?" Peter glanced at Caspian, hatred written on his face, and say, "Ask him." The next few minutes were a blur to Jen. She didn't hear the rest of the arguement between Peter and Caspian, instead, she watched as Lucy ran up to Edmund, who set Trumpkin on the ground. Lucy took out her elixer and fed a drop to her friend. He coughed and sputtered a bit before his eyes fluttered open and he looked around. In his usuall rough, rude way, he said, "What are you all looking at?"
Jen went back in the ruins, waiting for Edmund, not wanting to run out in front of anybody. She waited as first Peter and Susan, then Caspian, followed by Lucy and Trumpkin walked past her. They didn't notice her for she was standing in the shadows, hidden from them like a thief in the night. When Edmund passed, Jen reached out and grabbed his arm and pulled him into the shadows. He struggled a bit before relizing it was just Jen who held such a tight grip on his arm. "Are you all right Jenny?" Jen wrapped her arms around his neck. "I am now that your back." Edmund laughed quietly and held her in his arms. He rested his cheek on the top of her head, the sadness he felt overwhelming him, and then leaving his body in the form of a sigh. "It was horrible Jen. I am thankful you weren't there. Everything went wrong...so mny died. Edmund's hold on her tightened and he started to tremble. "I hate going to battle. I hate killing. It's not - it's not right. But this, this feels right."
The End