I know this fic is utterly ridiculous, especially the memory part. And the food part. But whatever. It's all good. I don't really care if it's absurd. I don't own Harry Potter, and with that, here is my silly story.
Hermione tore around a corner in Hogwarts school, her shoes skidding on the smooth marble floor as she slid, running as fast as she could with an armful of large books. Meanwhile, Draco Malfoy sauntered down the hallway that was around said corner, completely self-centered and nonchalant to the people standing in the hallway, chatting and laughing…but in his mind, he was frowning and reflecting on his thoughts. His gaze wandered to the floor, showing slight insecurity to the onlookers. He glanced up when he saw a blur in front of him in his peripheral vision. The person of his thoughts crashed into him then, releasing an armful of books all over the hallway. Draco crashed onto his back, sitting up slowly, his body used to smashing thanks to Quidditch. Hermione was on her knees, not paying any attention to who she'd crashed into as she frantically picked up books.
The people in the hallway grimaced, ready for a violent verbal fight to occur in the hallway once the Slytherin and Gryffindor realized who they had just made contact with. Hermione had gotten all her books by then, and she turned to who she'd run into, ready to apologize. But the second she had her head turned towards him, Draco Malfoy, Slytherin God, Prince of Darkness- kissed her.
His legs were spread apart and she was still kneeling, between his legs. There was a silent moment when everyone in the hallway stared at the two on the floor, shocked beyond words. Hermione stiffened, but as his lips caressed hers, she started to kiss back…and then she realized who it was- all she'd seen was platinum blonde hair, and there was only one guy with hair like that at Hogwarts. Hermione yanked her head away, pushing herself onto her feet.
"Ah-" Hermione stood there, books in hand, a stunned and slightly horrified expression on her face. Her voice cracked as she dumbly said "Ah" several times in a row before closing her mouth, frowning, and darting away.
Draco, still on the ground, stood up slowly and kept his face emotionless. Brushing off his trousers, he continued on his interrupted path. When he disappeared around the corner, it was then that the hallway broke out into a cacophony.
There were say twelve people standing in that hallway, one of whom included Lavender Brown, who was about to make it her mission to spread the picture she'd magically snapped of the kiss around the entire school.
When she got to Gryffindor tower, she called Parvarti. Parvarti was exceptionally skilled with magical photography, and when she learned of the subject of the photograph, she let out a squeal and set to work on making copies, and enchanting the photo to replay the kiss over and over, without the crash or the running away.
Once several dozen were made, Parvarti created one copy that would act like the castle's paintings, and have the subjects act like real people within it. If they continued kissing in the picture, she'd hang it with all the attachment spells she knew, as well as any that would prevent the photo from being removed.
Hermione sat in the library, intent on not thinking about the warm, soft, firework-inducing kiss she'd had earlier that day. Two hours had passed since then, and Hermione's emotions had spiraled through everything possible-angry, confused, curious, disgusted, and even slightly happy at one point.
Hermione shuddered and slammed shut another book, yanking a piece of parchment towards her. Over and over she wrote: 'I hate him. I hate him. I hate him.'
Sighing, Hermione stood up, crumpling the paper and throwing it in the trash bin. She walked out of her sanctuary, and was immediately met with the reason why she stayed in the library so much. A picture of the kiss was plastered to the wall in front of her, set to replay so that it looked like it was a consensual, romantic kiss.
Hermione glared at it, attempting to tear it down as she glanced up and down the hallway. She couldn't pull it off with all her might. Trying a few spells didn't work, either. So she resorted to pounding on the picture with her fists, growling.
Hermione heard a snicker behind her then, and whirled around to see Draco Malfoy slouching by. He glanced back at her, making an odd expression. A very smirky expression. Hermione glared at his back for a moment, then raced after him. "What the hell were you thinking? You're a right git, Malfoy, you know that!" When he stopped in the corridor, Hermione was about to punch him in the kidney when he whirled around, catching her flying fist in his hand.
"Nice try," he said, almost smiling for real. He pulled on her arm, landing a peck on her lips, then dropping her fist and walking on.
"St-stop doing that!" Hermione shrieked after him. "Ugh!"
Storming in the opposite direction for a moment, then making a 'grr' sound and whirling around to go to dinner, Hermione shook her head violently, as if trying to shake out the memory.
She was shaking her head to the side as she walked into the Great Hall. Nobody was seated except for Malfoy. Everyone was making a huge amount of noise on one side of the hall, and McGonagall was trying furiously to break her way into the cluster to see what was going on.
Hermione strode up to the group, casting the meanest expression she could to Malfoy. "What are you all staring at?" she cried.
Instantly, every eye was on her, and they fell silent. A path parted into the crowd, and Hermione was given a view of a massive picture splayed on the wall. In it, she and Draco were at the scene of the kiss (crime, Hermione thought to herself.) but instead of replaying the kiss like the picture she'd seen earlier, her and Malfoy were apparently continuing the kiss, Hermione laying with a huge smile on her face with Malfoy kissing her on top of her. The real Hermione gasped, staring at the picture. Apparently someone had bewitched the picture to act like the portraits in the school- to let the subjects act like real people.
The me in there is definitely not like me, Hermione thought, staring at the picture, her mouth agape. "Who did this?" she burst, whirling around to face the crowd. Most of the crowd was muffling laughter, so there was no way to find the guilty party.
"Hey," the picture Hermione suddenly said, sitting up and letting Malfoy slide to the ground, a sour expression on his face. "Some privacy, maybe?"
Hermione turned back to the picture at the sound of her own voice. "What?" she exclaimed. "NO! You shut up!"
"Why don't you shut up, you idiot?" Hermione's picture self retorted.
"You're only insulting yourself when you say that, you know."
The picture stuck her tongue out. Draco stood up in the picture, looking at the real Hermione in the hall. "Well, hello. Aren't you pretty?"
Both Hermiones took a step back. "What?" they both shouted.
Seamus started snickering then, and that burst any efforts in the group at not laughing. The entire hall was filled with the echoing sound of laughter, and after a few seconds, Hermione screamed as loud as she could. It was quiet again.
"Take. This. Down." She whispered, pointing at the picture with her eyes closed, trying to remain calm.
Hermione walked away then, grabbing a cake from the Hufflepuff table as she stalked towards Draco, who was still calmly eating at the Slytherin table, not noticing as Hermione stood silently behind him, fuming.
Then she slammed the cake into his face, frosting and all.
The hall gasped.
Malfoy looked up at Hermione slowly, standing up, a bowl of spaghetti in his hand.
"Don't-" Hermione's sentence was cut off as a pound of spaghetti was poured onto her head. A meatball plopped onto the floor.
Both of the students grabbed for more food, Hermione seizing a goblet of ice water, Draco a bowl of chocolate dipping sauce.
They raced towards each other, each yanking the other's shirts away from their back, pouring the liquids into their shirts. Neither had robes on, just casual clothes, making movement easier. The crowd started cheering then, and McGonagall appeared dumbstruck as to what to do when her best student started a food fight.
Hermione climbed onto the table, dripping chocolate. Draco shivered, grabbing a bowl of peaches, whipping them at Hermione as she threw walnuts at him. He leaped onto the table as well, landing his feet between dishes as he advanced. He grabbed Hermione's shoulders, pushing her back into a punch bowl which quickly made her hair a strange scarlet color. Hermione leapt up, chasing after him as he ran down the Slytherin table. Diving, Hermione caught his shoulders, making him fall, spinning, onto a little pyramid of pastries. With an "Oof," Hermione landed on top of him, her head smacking loudly against the wood.
Hermione blinked, her head tipping about as if dazed. "Oh, hello," she said to the man under her, who looked stunned. "My name is Her-mown-ninny. You're cute." And then she fainted onto his chest.
He was frozen for a moment. He couldn't quite lift her dead weight without throwing her off the table, so he lay there for a moment. Just as McGonagall came to her senses and started walking across the hall to get Hermione off, she woke up.
She noticed Draco again. "Hi. Are you my husband?"
Draco still looked stunned, not blinking.
"You are?" Hermione exclaimed. "How nice," she said as she leaned towards him.
She kissed him passionately, opening his mouth with her tongue. She rolled to the right and they promptly fell off the table onto the bench, and then to the floor. Draco winced and pulled away from Hermione, about to stand up when he noticed that her eyes, much clearer now, were wide open. She made a face at Draco. He was prepared for her to say something Hermione-like now that she appeared to be out of her daze, but then she let out "Is it my birthday?" and Draco rolled his eyes, then stood, scooping up Hermione into his arms.
"Yes," he said. "It's your birthday. Congratulations."
"Arigato!" She said, (thank you in Japanese) "Are you aware that you're adorable?" She touched his nose.
"You told me," he said, heading for the hospital wing.
"Really? Have we been married long?" Hermione asked as they disappeared out the door.
"Yes. Terribly long time."
Rolling his eyes, Draco placed Hermione on a cot, where Madam Pomfrey soon came to. "What's wrong with her?" she asked.
"Delirious. She hit her head."
"You hit your head?" Hermione asked Madam Pomfrey, eyes wide. "My husband can fix it! Can't you, you cutie?" she grinned stupidly at Draco.
"Drink this," Pomfrey said.
Hermione gulped it down, looking equally giddy until her face slowly went from a wide grin to an 'O' of being horrified.
"Please tell me I'm dreaming," she pleaded with Draco.
"You're dreaming." He said.
Hermione groaned. "You're lying!"
"I am."
"Shut up. You're the cause of all this. Look at my clothes! My hair!"
"Are you kidding me? Look at my hair!" Draco said, touching his frosting-covered locks.
"Psh," Hermione said. "It'll take you a second to clean it. It will take me hours to clean mine!"
Draco, rolling his eyes, waved his wand over Hermione.
"What was that?" she asked, but then she knew. Her clothes were suddenly gone, replaced by a corseted green ball gown, and her hair was not only clean, but soft and not so ratty. It fell in graceful spirals to her mid back.
"Wow," she said. "How did you do that?"
He shrugged, waving the wand over himself, cleaning his hair and body, replacing his slacks and gray long sleeved tee with a tuxedo. "It's to get ready for a ball, that's why there's fancy clothes. Just change out of the dress and you'll be fine. The dress will stay until you revert it back."
"Wow," she reiterated. "Can you teach that to me?"
"Are you still delirious? You normally would be running away or hitting me by now?"
"What? No. I just…I've never been able to really tame my hair before. It's so much longer than I expected."
"It's nice."
Hermione's eyes narrowed. "Stop being nice. It's creepy."
"It wasn't a prank or anything, you know." He said suddenly.
"What wasn't?" Hermione looked at him. "Oh. That. I don't believe you."
"Fine. Don't. I never really expected you to suddenly reciprocate anything, anyway."
He stood up to leave but Hermione reached out and grabbed his sleeve. "Was it really not a prank?"
He turned, his eyes softening. He smiled. "No. It wasn't a prank at all."
Hermione felt her own heart thumping as he walked away. Her mind suddenly made itself up and she grabbed the unwieldy skirts of her ball gown and bolted after him. She caught him in the center foyer, by the huge doors. She seized his shoulder, her hand failing to catch on the soft fabric of his fancy tuxedo.
"If it wasn't a prank…" she said, looking into his eyes for final affirmation. They showed nothing but honesty and…maybe a bit of love.
So she kissed him.