AN- Hey! I'm Jade (AKA-Insanity-Chaser) and please go easy on me because this is my first ever fanfic! I hope you like it and I know it's kind of short but this idea has been bugging me for a while now so I decided to make an account on to pour my heart out!
Disclaimer- I only own Twilight in my dreams…Stephanie Meyer owns it in reality…
Bella's POV-
Sigh. Edward had gone hunting and I, once again lay in an empty, warm bed in my own dark room. Alice had gone with Edward, Carlisle and Rosalie so I had decided to stay at home instead of heading over to the Cullen house as usual.
Just as I was about to fall asleep, I heard a very peculiar sound. I sat up in bed and strained my ears.
THUD!
There it was again. Confused, I looked around my room to see where the sound was coming from.
THUD!
The sound seemed to be coming from outside. I slowly climbed out of bed and made my way across the room to my window.
Cautiously, I pulled the curtain just a tiny bit…and froze.
Someone was out there. I held my breath before quietly picking up the baseball bat leaning against the wall next to the window. Phil had given it to me before I had left Phoenix and as I lifted the curtain once more, I thanked him for giving me a deadly weapon.
Then, in one very impressive move, I yanked the frilled curtain aside and put all my weight into hitting whoever was out there with the bat.
Suddenly, I was thrown backwards as the bat broke into two jagged pieces. The shards lay on my brand new blue rug in front of me. Just then, I large, bulking shadow fell across the floor as someone jumped into my bedroom with a low THUD!
Holding my breath, I looked up into the pale face of…none other than Emmett.
I let out the breath I had been holding and stood up shakily. Emmett was fidgeting and looking around the room nervously as if there was a bomb planted in it.
I looked up at him apologetically as he rubbed the side of his head where I had probably hit him with the damned baseball bat.
"Why did you hit me, Bella?" he asked pouting.
"Why are you in my room? Hmm? Answer that, honey!" I retorted back, surprising both of us.
Emmett, still slightly taken aback with my changed attitude and words, soon composed himself and said in a very proud and important way, "I've come to kidnap you."
I gaped at him open-mouthed before spluttering, "What? Why?!"
He said, still in that proud way, "I can't tell you…yet," before he grabbed me, whipped out a large sack of potatoes from thin air and emptied the contents onto my bed.
One potato fell out. Noticing my expression, he explained (Emmett explained, not the potato), "I got hungry on the way over here."
I raised my eyebrows before stating flatly, "vampires don't eat human food."
"I was curious," he replied defensively.
"Curiosity killed the cat," I said back triumphantly.
"I'm a cat?" he asked confused.
I was about to retort back, but my voice was muffled as Emmett stuffed me into the empty potato sack.
"Hey! Emmett, let me out, you douche!" I yelled from inside the sack.
Charlie was a heavy sleeper so he probably wouldn't hear me. I started kicking and punching as Emmett jumped out of my bedroom window as if he was Wonder Woman or something.
Suddenly, I realized something; there were no air holes in the bag. I was going to die of suffocation…in a potato sack.
Oh the mortification. I started whimpering quietly. Edward didn't know where I was. Alice probably didn't see this coming; she always ignored her visions when she was out hunting.
And I had no idea where we were going.
"Charlie is going to kill you, Emmett!" I screeched before remembering that vampires were bullet proof.
Huh, Emmett probably didn't know that.
"Calm down Bella! Jeez, I'm not gonna eat you!" said Emmett and I could just imagine him rolling his eyes.
"How am I supposed to know you won't? Huh?! You're a vampire for Christ's sake!" I yelled back.
Vampire or not, I was so gonna kill him when I got out of this stupid, suffocating sack.
"I'm a vampire and you didn't tell me?!" came Emmett's outraged reply.
I rolled my eyes. "Yes Emmett, you're a vampire and I'm Batman," I said sarcastically.
"Le gasp! OMC!! We could totally make a Batman-Bella and Vampire-Cat movie!" said Emmett excitedly.
I sat with my arms crossed, glaring at the sack and just basically seething with anger.
How dare he kidnap me! And then stuff me in a potato sack as if was a potato or something!
As I squirmed around in the tiny space, I realized that Emmett had loosened his grip on the sack a little because of his excitement.
I took in a big gulp of air before poking my head through the small gap. Emmett was humming the Batman and Buffy the Vampire Slayer theme tunes quite loudly actually and while he was distracted, I slowly pulled my right arm out of the bag, then my left.
I was behind Emmett because he had hauled me over his shoulder. Suddenly, I grabbed his hair and before I knew it, he was screaming like a banshee/two year-old girl while jumping up and down shrieking, " OMG! OMFG! Geroff me! Geroff meeeee!!! Arrrggg!! Somebody save me! Batman's got my awesome hair in his evil clutches! Nooooooo!!"
He suddenly fell to the ground in a withering mess and then I pulled the rest of the potato sack back. Emmett gasped before saying, "le gasp! Batman is really…Bella!"
--Back at the Swan Residence—
Edward's POV-
I had just come back from hunting and as I ran to Bella's house, I thought of how excited she would be when she saw that I was back already.
Then I thought of how much it would kill me if something terrible and unspeakable had happened to her like, oh, I don't know, she magically and mysteriously turned into a potato or something.
I checked to see if anyone was watching and when the coast was clear, I ran out from behind the trees at the bottom of Swans' back yard.
As I stood outside her open bedroom window, I thought- wait!! Why was her window open? She only left it like that when I was coming over and since I was hunting and not coming over, why had she left her window open?! It wasn't as if she knew I was coming was it since I hadn't even known until I was actually done.
Shrugging my unease away, I climbed up the wall (like spider-monkey from the Simpsons Movie!) and jumped into my love's room.
Clearing my throat, I said, "Honey! I'm ho-me!" before giving a cheesy smile to…a potato. I froze before taking a few shaky steps forwards and falling to my knees in front of my beloved Potato-Bella.
"Nooooooo!" I whispered hoarsely, "my life is over!"
Suddenly, my phone vibrated in my pocket.
Sighing, I got it out and flipped it open, not bothering to check the caller ID.
"Hello?" I said into the phone sadly.
"Edward?" came Alice's frantic voice from the other end.
"Yes, it is I, Edward, the 107 year-old virgin-vampire with no life-," I was rudely cut off by Alice.
"Edward, listen. Did you see Emmett on the way to Bella's house?" hissed Alice down the phone, her voice panicked.
I thought about my exciting journey to Bella's house before saying, "no, my dear dwarf-sized, fairy-pixie Sister Alice, I did not see Emmett on the way to my lovely, potato-fied-Bella-who-is-secretly-Barman's house and who-,"
"Edward!" she screeched (Dwarf-sized, fairy-pixie Alice screeched not potato-fied-Bella-who-is-secretly-Batman), "you have to find Emmett! He's kidnapped Bella and is planning to make a Batman-Bella and Vampire-Cat movie! Plus, he wants to 'save the day' wearing a bright red Speedo and a shiny, purple Viking helmet!!"
I was horrified at the idea of Emmett wearing a Speedo and a Viking helmet, but what really made me jump out of the window like Super-Girl was the fact that Emmett had my beloved Bella!
So what was with the potato?!
Bella's POV-
After my little stunt with the whole, 'Batman-pulling-my-awesome-hair' fiasco, an hour later found me and Emmett sitting Indian style half way up a tree outside Jacob's house.
"Emmett, you do know that the tree we are sitting in is right outside your family's mortal enemy's house, right?" I asked raising my eyebrows.
Emmett psh'd at me and carried on with his happy ramblings about 'The Adventures of Batman-Bella and Emmett-The-Vampire-Cat!' and telling me something about a red Speedo and a purple Viking helmet.
"Emmett, why did you kidnap me?" I asked quietly.
He instantly shut up and looked away. I was about to press for further information but right at that precise moment, Edward, Alice, Rosalie, Jasper, Carlisle AND Esme all jumped out from behind the bushes around us.
Edward landed on the ground in front of the tree me and Emmett were sat in. He put his hands on his hips and said in a deep British accent, "Volvo-Vampire, here to save the day!"
I stared at him in absolute astonishment as Alice jumped onto his shoulders and said in a high-pitched girly voice, "Pixie-Princess, I'll be your BFF!" before putting one of her hands on her hip and winking.
Jasper came next, sitting on Alice's shoulders while saying, "Confederate-Army-Guy, reporting for duty," and saluting us.
Me and Emmett were sat gawking at them with our jaws dropped as Rosalie climbed the mountain of vampires and stood on Jasper's shoulders.
"I'm the Blonde-Bombshell-Beauty-Ice-Queen, and I'll freeze you with my beauty!" she said while posing.
I thought that Carlisle and Esme wouldn't join in the madness but suddenly, Esme was on top of Rosalie saying, "Windex-Woman, I'll clean away all your problems!" and she whipped out a bottle of Windex from quite literally thin air. `
Carlisle was the last straw. He jumped into Esme's arms, bridal style and said in a cheesy American accent, "And I'm Doctor-Mcdreamy, here to save your heart!" before giving a Colgate commercial smile and winking.
When I said that was the last straw, I meant it.
With a shriek, I threw myself off the branch me and Emmett had been sitting on and Emmett jumped after me screaming, "Emmett-The-Vampire-Cat will save you, Batman-Bella!"
But suddenly, Edward caught me before I fell to the ground and gave me an Oscar-winning kiss.
--At the Cullen House—
Bella's POV-
After explaining to my future family what had happened with the whole 'Emmett-kidnapped-me-in-the-middle-of-the-night-and-stuffed-me-in-a-potato-sack' thing, I was sat on Edward's lap in the living room with the rest of the Cullens.
It was just before I fell asleep for the second time that night that I remembered something Very Important.
"Hey, Emmett?" I asked sleepily.
"Yesums…?" he answered happily, munching on a potato.
"Why did you kidnap me?"
He sprayed all of the potato in his mouth all over Rosalie's newly washed hair.
Then, he said slowly, "I have to ask you something Very Important…"
"Go on…" I said immediately suspicious.
What was so important to him that he had to kidnap me AND turn all his family into super heroes to ask?
Then he said in barely an audible whisper,
"Do you…do you think I'm…fat…?"
AN-So, there you have it, my first ever fanfic! It's very stupid and pointless but it made my friends laugh so I thought about writing it! Please review and go easy on the flames people! EASY ON THE FLAMES!!!
~Jade