Even Sunshine Falls
By Kay
Disclaimer: I don't own Digimon... ::sigh:: The world is a cruel, horrible and twisted place...
A/N: Depressing Daisuke fic... ::sigh:: Written to "Yours Forever" by John Mellington or something, from the "Perfect Storm" soundtrack... really sad and beautiful song... but a terrible waaay to sappy fic... It has Ken stuff in it- it CAN be Kensuke, and I thought of it like that, but I suppose it doesn't have to be. However, if there's a sequel, it'll be coming into play...
Song lines are in the "//" things! ^_^
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A pair of deep, chocolate brown eyes stared out a single white framed window, the plastic blinds shoved up so the warm summer sun could shine through. The sky, a drifting blue cloud in the heavens, seemed to light up even more with the rays of light the day had provided, and despite the bleak atmosphere in the room, the soft glimmering waves of yellow from the sun that spread upon the window pane seemed to brighten the room.
The brown eyes watched intently, although a faint look of fatigue was already entering their depths. It was only a matter of time before someone came into the room and shut the window, closing the ugly plastic blinds again, trapping him inside this confining prison. Unable to get to the light beyond.
Daisuke Motomiya leaned forward weakly, desperate to gain as much sunshine as possible before his exile began again.
To his normaly rational, though a bit reckless mind, it was strange that such a sunny day would be one of pain and suffering for him. No matter how beautiful it was outside, the inside was where he was and would remain until he could leave. No sun could chase that depressing thought away.
Grey clouds seemed to shimmer on the ceiling.
//Here we are
In the grays of winter//
Leaning back against the white, crisp pillow, Daisuke felt his eyes flutter for a second. Forcing himself awake, he took a deep breath and sat up straighter, wincing as he did. The pain was almost to much to bare sometimes- to hard to control, to much to handle...
At times like this, he wanted to be outside more than anything. Whenever the IV needle stuck to far in his arm, pinching his tanned skin. And whenever he had to eat the horrible food the hospital provided, whatever glop they could come up with. Even more when he felt like his stomach was going to empty every five seconds and it was all he could do to keep from letting boredom seep into his mind.
What he wouldn't give to play soccer again. To feel the grass sliding on his sport shoes, his legs powered with energy, kicking the ball and playing on a field in front of tons of people and spectators. Just the ball, the grass, the players, and the goal. The sun sometimes on your back, the rain sometimes drenching you... either way...
He'd just love to be out there.
Daisuke sighed. 'Not much of a chance of that happening.'
Although... studying the distance with his mind, or, what he could, he managed to get a basic idea of what it would take to go open the second window in the room. Or, what he suspected to be a second window. Over the time, so many kids had pulled on the blank shade that it'd stuck permanently in place.
Daisuke looked at the IV and back at the window, eyes narrowing in frustration.
"Need a hand?"
//Here we are
Just me and you//
"You look like you could use some help," a smooth, soft voice said from the doorway. The cinnamon spike haired boy in bed turned, sitting up straighter automatically and widening his eyes.
"K-Ken?"
Even when Daisuke grimaced painfully at his hoarse, tight voice, the blue-haired genius lingering by the doorway gave a faint smile. The bed-ridden boy coughed for a moment and gestured for him to come in.
The famous, ex-Emperor slowly came in and sat down in the folding chair next to the bed, shifting uncomfortably on the hard gray metal. Like everything else in the room, it was a bland, unpersonal thing-- no emotional work put in at all, not with the bed or chairs. Even the walls were devoid of any special sentiments. Part of Ken's mind was astonished that happy, energetic Daisuke could stand to stay in a place as horrible as this.
So- so dead.
A brief silence enveloped them while Daisuke struggled to sit up even straighter in bed, hating the fact that he was still reclining his back against the pillow. Ken watching him out of the corner of his eyes, keeping his expressionless face while his mind reeled in shock and bitterness.
Time and illness had weared his best friend down into nothing but thin, skinny limbs and a still-beautiful face. It'd stolen his breath, obviously, as Daisuke frantically took hurried deep breaths as he worked to be presentable. It wouldn't have helped Ken anyway-- the image of his vibrant Daisuke, fragile and broken down to helplessness like this, would still haunt his mind.
Finally comfortable, Daisuke leaned against the pillow with a deep sigh that seemed to come from the back of his throat. "I didn't know... if you'd come..."
"Of course I did," Ken murmered, blue-voilet eyes downcast respectfully. "How could I not?"
"You... didn't have... to, Ken..."
"I know..."
//Hold my hand
Let's face tomorrow//
After an awkward silence, Daisuke laughed slightly, a choked sound that made him lapse into a violent coughing fit. Looking up in alarm, Ken jerked as if to help him, hands wandering in confusion until Daisuke shook his head and waved him off.
After a moment- "I'm... fine... just tired..."
Ken wished his heart would stop racing as he sat down, relief pouring through him like a tidal wave. "Of course." The polite words made him wince, the cool acceptance in them reminding him of things he'd rather forget. "I mean, if you're sure you're merely tired..."
"Yeah..." Daisuke grinned weakly, but it was enough to light up his entire dark face, making his eyes shine. Ken felt an even deeper relief at the sight, one he hadn't seen for a long time since he'd last visited. "Just tired... they have me... on some... stuff... it's new..."
"I see. Is it helping?"
"Nah... but s'okay..." Daisuke smiled. "Lessens the... pain..."
"That's always good," Ken mumbled uncertainly.
"Yeah..." The two boy looked at each other, trailing off their thoughts as dark brown met indigo blue.
//Tomorrow still holds out its hands
to you//
"I wasn't... sure you'd... come..." Daisuke said finally, his voice soft in the still quietness of the room.
Ken opened his mouth for a moment, lost for words even with his intelligence, and then closed it before he decided on what to say. "I... I couldn't say no. Why would I refuse?"
"You're... scared."
"What?"
"You've... been scared... since... they found out..." Daisuke coughed a little again, turning his head without strength and then looking straight back into his friends eyes. Despite his gaunt appearance, the inner glow that had made him himself had never left his face or eyes. Vague mischief was clinging to his voice, as though he had it packed away somewhere until it was dusty and faded, and was now finally bringing it out again, shaking away the dampness.
However, the seriousness in his eyes was not lost on the holder of Kindness. Ken hesitated only a moment before saying gently, "I am not afraid of you, Daisuke-kun."
"Yeah... but you're scared... you'll lose... me?"
Daisuke turned, not waiting for an answer. All he needed was the sudden anguish that broke in Ken's intense gaze.
"Can... can you open... another window?" he whispered, hands clutching the white hospital blanket tightly, knuckles turning white. "They... they won't... let me... up..." He gestured to the IV somewhat at that, and Ken blinked at it, noticing the long needle for the first time.
"O-oh. Okay." Ken stood for a moment uncertainly, glancing at Daisuke, who gave him a bright, encouraging smile. The blue haired teenager walked over, and after a minute of pulling and tugging at the screen, managed to get it up.
Sunlight flooded the room. Ken stumbled back, blinded unexpectedly, and in error accidently banged into the back wall. Daisuke's soft gasp made him turn, squinting until his eyes quickly accustomed to the light change in the normally dark room.
Daisuke took a shaky breath, suddenly glowing with the sun's rays pouring into the room. "Thanks... Ken-chan..."
"Anytime..." Ken stared at him for a second, at the way the sun seemed to curve into Daisuke's face and make his eyes look as though they were on fire. His hair, dark and limp from days of malnourishment, seemed to blaze up with a bronzed red flame again, and his pale skin already seemed to have a new sheen to it.
"It feels nice... to see... the sun..." Daisuke whispered painfully. "You know... what I mean? You... you forgot... once... what the sun... felt like..."
Ken could think of nothing to say but to sit down.
//This precious time
We've only borrowed//
Daisuke took a few more breaths of air, a strange look of calm and peace settling over his features. "I need... to talk to you... while I still... still can..."
"What do you mean?" Ken asked in a calm, almost casual voice as though he were talking over tea. Inside was a completely different matter-- a torturous shifting of emotions and unspoken words screaming deep down. The urge to cry. For a long, long and hard time.
"You know..."
"No. I don't."
Daisuke stared at him, sadness and bittersweet pain spreading over his face now, mingling with the calm. "Yeah... you do."
Ken suddenly felt as though breathing were difficult, lightheadness coming quickly and overwhelming him. He heard himself ask in a small voice, "What did you need to talk to me about?"
"Us. The team." Daisuke winced, his voice dropping to a hiss of pain as he clutched the covers again for an even longer time than before. Spasming in some hidden ache, he focused his eyes on Ken's for a quick second and then it was over.
"Are you alright?" Ken asked softly, unsure of what else to ask. Unable to think of another way to ask it.
"Yeah... happens. Not important..." Daisuke wavered for a moment, his eyes blurring over swiftly before he managed to shake his head and stare at Ken again. The brilliance in them was enough to make Ken mesmerized. Even in this horrible, dark room, this child had prevailed with his spirit completely intact.
"Not much time... have to... talk... now," Daisuke added.
//The autumn winds
Have blown on through//
"Why me?" Ken blurted out in a strained voice. "Why not someone else?"
"Cause I wanna... talk to... you... best friend..." Daisuke managed to say tersely. "Shut up... n' listen...
"We haven't... always been... frie- friends..." Daisuke paused, breathing deeply after his stumble of words. Ken's heart twisted further at this sign, feeling as though he'd been slapped in the face. Daisuke's best friend or not, he hadn't visited him in the hospital at all. Knowing his phobia of places like this, Daisuke had never complained or inquired, just merely accepted it.
Which was why Ken was surprised when Takeru called him up, telling him in a trembling voice that Daisuke wanted to talk to him. Right then. There.
"We haven't... always been friends..." Daisuke repeated forcefully. "But... you are... everything that I... could ever want... for a... friend... team member..."
Ken felt a lump gather in his throat, and he swallowed. "Dai-kun..."
"No, sh'dup." Daisuke gave him a look and then continued. "You are... the kindest... most compassion... ate person... I've known. Don't like...? To bad..." The strength was rapidly going out of him now, draining his voice and expression slowly, sapping him of his vital energy. Ken wanted to tell him to stop it, save what he had left before he lost it all, but he knew without a doubt from the look on the Holder of Courage and Friendship's face that this was important. At least important to Daisuke.
That was all he needed to know.
Daisuke gripped his hand tightly, and Ken started in surprise, glancing down. Their hands-- Daisuke's thin but strong one, and Ken's soft and pale-- twined together like some perfect beautiful statue of unity.
"I need you... to do... something... special for... me?"
Ken met his friend's eyes again. Blinked hot tears back. "What? Name anything, and it's yours," he whispered almost inaudibaly.
"They'll... need help... to get through, Ken..." Daisuke squeezed his hand weakly and gave a knowing smile. "They'll need... you to... guide them...
"Need... a leader..."
//A quiet thought
Will tell our story//
Ken jerked back as if stun or bitten by a python. "What?!"
"You heard... me..."
Mouth agape in horror, large violet eyes disbelieving, Ken shook his head. His blue hair swept over his forehead repeatedly as he did, so great was the violence in that one action. "I-I couldn't be their leader! You're their leader!"
"You can't... be leader... if gone..." Daisuke reminded him gently.
Ken shook his head again, unknowingly gripping Daisuke's frail hand tight. "It's still your... your position. I could never take your place. The others still barely even trust me a little... they never liked me..."
Daisuke bit his lip and shook his head. "You have... to lead them. I wouldn't have... it any... any other way... They have... a future, ya know... destiny... a destiny..."
"Why me?"
"Because... you're perfect... for them," Daisuke said simply, sinking into the pillow with exhaustion. The conversation, so small and uneven, had worn him out of his resources. The shadows under his eyes seemed so much deeper now.
"I won't have to be leader, though," Ken said desperatly, eyes almost frantic. "You'll be the leader when you get out of here." A deep, dark pain was burrowing inside of him, something that hurt him every time he thought about the possibility of... of something. Of Daisuke never being there again. Never seeing that familiar, warm grin every morning. The gung-ho attitude, the reckless abandon, and unfailing courage. Always there, Daisuke.
Surely so much life couldn't just be gone, right?
Daisuke laughed, almost to quiet for Ken to hear. While fear was now written plainly on Ken's face, the grief almost pliable, his own face was completely clear and understanding. He gestured to the window vaguelly, almost beaming. "Even sunshine... falls... Ken. But- tell ya wh-what... If... I make it out... I'll be the leader. If not... promise?"
"I can't," Ken said shakily. "Not now, not ever." To admit the chance of Daisuke not being there anymore... to admit that...
Never. Never ever.
//Tomorrow still holds out its hand
to you//
"Just... promise me... if I don't always... make it on... time," Daisuke gasped, almost running out of voice to finish what he had to say. His grip on Ken's was growing less fierce, fading out like the life on his face. Sleep was to fast in coming. "Promise... be their leader? Watch... over... them?"
Hot, burning tears ran down Ken's pale face in torrents as he was unable to stop them anymore. The dark fear inside of him was growing again- choking his throat and making him heave for air. "Go to sleep, Daisuke... you're tired."
"Promise me... first."
"I-I can't-"
"Life... life, Ken, is not... about sleeping..." Daisuke grinned again, although the fatigue was clearly showing through it this time. Yet it was still the same spirit, the same aura that had made Daisuke what he was, what he could be.
Ken wiped tears from his eyes quickly, but they still came, blurring his sight. Trying to distract himself, he asked, "Oh? What is it about?"
"Living... til tomorrow goes... by... then live... again..." Daisuke's voice was drifting off. "Tired... just promise.. me. Now."
"Will you go to sleep?"
"Yeah..."
"I... I promise. Alright?"
"Yeah, thanks..." Daisuke's soft brown eyes closed in relief, and his breathing became more even as he let the darkness take over. Ken felt his stomach twist at the sight.
"But I didn't have to promise," he whispered helplessly, his face streaked with tears. "You're going to wake up tomorrow..."
A pair of goggles lay on the side table, displayed as though a proud possession, and glinting with the sun.
//Yes, tomorrow still holds out its hand
to you//
The doctors told me he slipped into a coma right after I left.
I remember putting the goggles in Daisuke's limp hand as he slept. Closing his fingers over the worn, proud strap, securing them in his grip. They felt wrong on the table- they were a part of my friend, a third hand, his compass and guide to glory. Somehow it just felt right that he would wear them in his last moments to something even greater.
I cried more. I expected that. When Sam died, I spent days crying in my room, begging someone to bring him back for me so I could at least apologize for the horrible thing I'd done when I asked him to go away forever. So I expected the tears when they came for Daisuke.
Expecting things does not make them easier.
I spent the night reading, textbooks, fantasy, I'm not sure anymore. I read the words, printed upon page after page, but they didn't seem to connect with my mind. Always in there was the image of him... laying against the pillow, so alive but trapped in a body that was failing on him.
The morning after, when Mom answered our yellow kitchen phone, I didn't have to ask.
I knew.
My parents and I hadn't had a very good relationship since Sam died, and even before that we had our little problems. Although after I came back from the Digital World, I tried harder to be a better son as Ken, and not just Sam, I still found a lack of communication in our lives. We became closer, but so very distant. Meals were filled with poliet chatter about politics, dinner, and school. They came to some of my soccer games and cheered me on even when I messed up a few of my goals. Yet we never really talked much, not since I changed...
But suddenly that didn't matter. As soon as she hanged up that phone and walked over to the table where I was sitting, she was opening her arms and I was filling them while I tried not to sob.
Daisuke Motomiya was officially pronounced dead from leukemia.
//Here some wings!
They're yours forever//
Hikari never did take it well. She and Takeru spent a lot of time grieving together, hidden under trees, crying and healing each other. Falling in love.
Daisuke would have had a fit.
Later, I reached up with Cody and Miyako, who both were grieving in their own ways. Cody's grandfather took a long time helping him through the tragedy. I'd like to say I helped someone through it, but I had a hard enough time getting up out of bed every morning. Miyako would come by with food from her parent's store sometimes, out of some maternal need to keep me in the outside world, I suppose.
After a while, I just stopped going outside. The world as I knew it became the four walls of my room, and my house was my warm bed. Buried beneath the covers and pillows, sleeping as much as I possibly could to get rid of the ache.
Because it hurt.
It hurt to breathe, and smile, and it took all my energy just to open my eyes. Suddenly, it was me who was drained of life instead of Dai-kun. I was the one trapped in a bed, always looking to the windows with some confused emotions. Wistfulness. Pain. The same things Daisuke must have felt every time he looked through the glass panes.
I wish I had visited him more often. Windows aren't very good company.
They always make you cry.
//And here's some dreams
That will come true//
It would have stayed that way. I, Ken Ichijouji, the boy genius not even bothering to go to school anymore. Staying home day after day, ignoring my mother whenever she asked me if I wanted something to eat. By the end of the first week I was mere skin and bones, most likely. As if I wasn't thin enough.
I couldn't get up. It hurt to even think about facing a large, harsh world like that-- one without the one familiar smile I could always count on. A world without Daisuke.
Strange how it was such a hard place to live in.
Even sunshine falls...
And yet he haunted me day and night.
I could have stayed there forever. I understood perfectly what was happening. My soul was mourning- my heart and everything I had, all mourning and in grief for the life that had just been extinguished.
He was my friend. My partner. Team mate.
Everything I could have wanted, and everything I would ever need.
Damn it all, now all I had left was a soccer ball, the demin jacket he left at my house a few months back and never was returned, and a few scattered, painful memories in my mind. I cherished all of those, what was left of him. Left only for me, no one else's eyes.
It could have stayed that way. Sleeping. Dreaming. Remembering and crying every time I did. What they used to say is wrong- time heals nothing. Time makes it worse every day, until you're begging to forget everything because it hurts so much.
I hadn't counted on one factor, though.
I made a promise. And I always keep my promises.
//Take these tears
Wash away your sorrow//
"Daisuke said... in this letter thing he gave to the doctor the day before... that these should belong to you now," Hikari said softly, her brown eyes compassionate as she gazed at the lifeless form of Ken.
Ken sighed slightly and looked down at her hand, where a familiar pair of goggles were clutched. "I-I don't want them. They're Taichi's now, again."
"I don't want them," Taichi said quietly from behind Hikari. He rested a hand on her shoulder, his face heavy with pain. "Daisuke made the right choice, Ken. I couldn't take them back if I wanted to. To much... to much memory..."
Yamato gently wrapped an arm around his brown haired love, and drew Taichi into a tight embrace. Taichi's shoulders shook for a second as he buried his face in Yamato's blue jacket. Ken turned from the sweetly sad scene, his own eyes filling with stunned tears. It hadn't occurred to him how the older Digidestined were taking this devestating loss.
Yamato and Taichi in particular. In some sense, the old holders of Friendship and Courage and been Daisuke's mentors. And an even better sense, Daisuke had been something like a son in some way. The one they would never have-- and now the one they could never have in Daisuke.
Ken took a deep breath, trying to control the tears sliding down his face, and studied the goggles in his hand. They shone with the sunlight, worn from many years of battles, but still strong.
They still felt like they belonged to Daisuke.
//Tomorrow still holds out its hands
to you//
Ken looked around at the Digidestined with new awakened eyes. Gathered in small compressed groups throughout the room, each looking numb or sad in some way, unable to cope with this disaster.
'You have... to lead them. I wouldn't have... it any... any other way... They have... a future, ya know... destiny... a destiny...'
The world was a harsh place. And it was hard to live without someone you cared about deeply. Yet there was something they could do-- it wouldn't bring Daisuke back. It wouldn't make him well and happy again, sitting there as though nothing would happen.
If they succeeded, though, they just might make him proud.
Ken put a hand on Taichi's shoulder and smiled softly at him in kindess. His crest. His greatest strength and most beautiful weakness. "Taichi... Daisuke wouldn't want us to give up. You know that, and I know that."
Taichi looked up from Yamato's shoulder and took a deep breath, his tear-filled chocolate eyes staring into Ken's own tear-filled purple ones. For a moment, Ken was struck by how much they looked like his dead friends.
Taichi nodded slowly. "Yeah... I know. Feel up to the job of leader?" He held out his hand, smiling.
Ken shook it, and gave him a watery smile. "Why not?"
//Yes, tomorrow still holds out its hand
to you//
We all have a destiny. Some sort of fate that guides us as we live by rules and numbers, that brings us hope when we need it, and makes us lost when we're to close. Sometimes destiny is cut off to abruptly, to soon-- sometimes it takes to long to settle in.
Sometimes when one thread is broken, they all fall together.
But fate's a fickle thing-- sometimes, if the thread is strong enough, it stays and weaves together something with the one that's broken, and makes it into something beautiful.
Such a tangled web of silver and gold and black, different rainbow glitters, forcasted shadows. It can never make complete sense, not destiny. But it would come all together somehow. It would regain it's pattern and the ends would meet in the middle.
Ken would see Daisuke someday, when every thread was aligned in perfection.
It was only destiny.
Every tomorrow would bring him closer.
//Yes, tomorrow still holds out its hands
to you//
Every leader goes out in glory, threads of devotion are never broken, and even sunshine falls.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
::coughs:: SUCKS... oh gods, I'm ashamed of this... thank god it was late and I have an excuse...
::many people kicked Kay's arse for saying that:: ^_^;;; Scary...
Daisuke: I thought it was fun! Next time, tell me, though, so I can bring popcorn...
Kay: I have a whip, you know.
Daisuke: ...eep.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
By Kay
Disclaimer: I don't own Digimon... ::sigh:: The world is a cruel, horrible and twisted place...
A/N: Depressing Daisuke fic... ::sigh:: Written to "Yours Forever" by John Mellington or something, from the "Perfect Storm" soundtrack... really sad and beautiful song... but a terrible waaay to sappy fic... It has Ken stuff in it- it CAN be Kensuke, and I thought of it like that, but I suppose it doesn't have to be. However, if there's a sequel, it'll be coming into play...
Song lines are in the "//" things! ^_^
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A pair of deep, chocolate brown eyes stared out a single white framed window, the plastic blinds shoved up so the warm summer sun could shine through. The sky, a drifting blue cloud in the heavens, seemed to light up even more with the rays of light the day had provided, and despite the bleak atmosphere in the room, the soft glimmering waves of yellow from the sun that spread upon the window pane seemed to brighten the room.
The brown eyes watched intently, although a faint look of fatigue was already entering their depths. It was only a matter of time before someone came into the room and shut the window, closing the ugly plastic blinds again, trapping him inside this confining prison. Unable to get to the light beyond.
Daisuke Motomiya leaned forward weakly, desperate to gain as much sunshine as possible before his exile began again.
To his normaly rational, though a bit reckless mind, it was strange that such a sunny day would be one of pain and suffering for him. No matter how beautiful it was outside, the inside was where he was and would remain until he could leave. No sun could chase that depressing thought away.
Grey clouds seemed to shimmer on the ceiling.
//Here we are
In the grays of winter//
Leaning back against the white, crisp pillow, Daisuke felt his eyes flutter for a second. Forcing himself awake, he took a deep breath and sat up straighter, wincing as he did. The pain was almost to much to bare sometimes- to hard to control, to much to handle...
At times like this, he wanted to be outside more than anything. Whenever the IV needle stuck to far in his arm, pinching his tanned skin. And whenever he had to eat the horrible food the hospital provided, whatever glop they could come up with. Even more when he felt like his stomach was going to empty every five seconds and it was all he could do to keep from letting boredom seep into his mind.
What he wouldn't give to play soccer again. To feel the grass sliding on his sport shoes, his legs powered with energy, kicking the ball and playing on a field in front of tons of people and spectators. Just the ball, the grass, the players, and the goal. The sun sometimes on your back, the rain sometimes drenching you... either way...
He'd just love to be out there.
Daisuke sighed. 'Not much of a chance of that happening.'
Although... studying the distance with his mind, or, what he could, he managed to get a basic idea of what it would take to go open the second window in the room. Or, what he suspected to be a second window. Over the time, so many kids had pulled on the blank shade that it'd stuck permanently in place.
Daisuke looked at the IV and back at the window, eyes narrowing in frustration.
"Need a hand?"
//Here we are
Just me and you//
"You look like you could use some help," a smooth, soft voice said from the doorway. The cinnamon spike haired boy in bed turned, sitting up straighter automatically and widening his eyes.
"K-Ken?"
Even when Daisuke grimaced painfully at his hoarse, tight voice, the blue-haired genius lingering by the doorway gave a faint smile. The bed-ridden boy coughed for a moment and gestured for him to come in.
The famous, ex-Emperor slowly came in and sat down in the folding chair next to the bed, shifting uncomfortably on the hard gray metal. Like everything else in the room, it was a bland, unpersonal thing-- no emotional work put in at all, not with the bed or chairs. Even the walls were devoid of any special sentiments. Part of Ken's mind was astonished that happy, energetic Daisuke could stand to stay in a place as horrible as this.
So- so dead.
A brief silence enveloped them while Daisuke struggled to sit up even straighter in bed, hating the fact that he was still reclining his back against the pillow. Ken watching him out of the corner of his eyes, keeping his expressionless face while his mind reeled in shock and bitterness.
Time and illness had weared his best friend down into nothing but thin, skinny limbs and a still-beautiful face. It'd stolen his breath, obviously, as Daisuke frantically took hurried deep breaths as he worked to be presentable. It wouldn't have helped Ken anyway-- the image of his vibrant Daisuke, fragile and broken down to helplessness like this, would still haunt his mind.
Finally comfortable, Daisuke leaned against the pillow with a deep sigh that seemed to come from the back of his throat. "I didn't know... if you'd come..."
"Of course I did," Ken murmered, blue-voilet eyes downcast respectfully. "How could I not?"
"You... didn't have... to, Ken..."
"I know..."
//Hold my hand
Let's face tomorrow//
After an awkward silence, Daisuke laughed slightly, a choked sound that made him lapse into a violent coughing fit. Looking up in alarm, Ken jerked as if to help him, hands wandering in confusion until Daisuke shook his head and waved him off.
After a moment- "I'm... fine... just tired..."
Ken wished his heart would stop racing as he sat down, relief pouring through him like a tidal wave. "Of course." The polite words made him wince, the cool acceptance in them reminding him of things he'd rather forget. "I mean, if you're sure you're merely tired..."
"Yeah..." Daisuke grinned weakly, but it was enough to light up his entire dark face, making his eyes shine. Ken felt an even deeper relief at the sight, one he hadn't seen for a long time since he'd last visited. "Just tired... they have me... on some... stuff... it's new..."
"I see. Is it helping?"
"Nah... but s'okay..." Daisuke smiled. "Lessens the... pain..."
"That's always good," Ken mumbled uncertainly.
"Yeah..." The two boy looked at each other, trailing off their thoughts as dark brown met indigo blue.
//Tomorrow still holds out its hands
to you//
"I wasn't... sure you'd... come..." Daisuke said finally, his voice soft in the still quietness of the room.
Ken opened his mouth for a moment, lost for words even with his intelligence, and then closed it before he decided on what to say. "I... I couldn't say no. Why would I refuse?"
"You're... scared."
"What?"
"You've... been scared... since... they found out..." Daisuke coughed a little again, turning his head without strength and then looking straight back into his friends eyes. Despite his gaunt appearance, the inner glow that had made him himself had never left his face or eyes. Vague mischief was clinging to his voice, as though he had it packed away somewhere until it was dusty and faded, and was now finally bringing it out again, shaking away the dampness.
However, the seriousness in his eyes was not lost on the holder of Kindness. Ken hesitated only a moment before saying gently, "I am not afraid of you, Daisuke-kun."
"Yeah... but you're scared... you'll lose... me?"
Daisuke turned, not waiting for an answer. All he needed was the sudden anguish that broke in Ken's intense gaze.
"Can... can you open... another window?" he whispered, hands clutching the white hospital blanket tightly, knuckles turning white. "They... they won't... let me... up..." He gestured to the IV somewhat at that, and Ken blinked at it, noticing the long needle for the first time.
"O-oh. Okay." Ken stood for a moment uncertainly, glancing at Daisuke, who gave him a bright, encouraging smile. The blue haired teenager walked over, and after a minute of pulling and tugging at the screen, managed to get it up.
Sunlight flooded the room. Ken stumbled back, blinded unexpectedly, and in error accidently banged into the back wall. Daisuke's soft gasp made him turn, squinting until his eyes quickly accustomed to the light change in the normally dark room.
Daisuke took a shaky breath, suddenly glowing with the sun's rays pouring into the room. "Thanks... Ken-chan..."
"Anytime..." Ken stared at him for a second, at the way the sun seemed to curve into Daisuke's face and make his eyes look as though they were on fire. His hair, dark and limp from days of malnourishment, seemed to blaze up with a bronzed red flame again, and his pale skin already seemed to have a new sheen to it.
"It feels nice... to see... the sun..." Daisuke whispered painfully. "You know... what I mean? You... you forgot... once... what the sun... felt like..."
Ken could think of nothing to say but to sit down.
//This precious time
We've only borrowed//
Daisuke took a few more breaths of air, a strange look of calm and peace settling over his features. "I need... to talk to you... while I still... still can..."
"What do you mean?" Ken asked in a calm, almost casual voice as though he were talking over tea. Inside was a completely different matter-- a torturous shifting of emotions and unspoken words screaming deep down. The urge to cry. For a long, long and hard time.
"You know..."
"No. I don't."
Daisuke stared at him, sadness and bittersweet pain spreading over his face now, mingling with the calm. "Yeah... you do."
Ken suddenly felt as though breathing were difficult, lightheadness coming quickly and overwhelming him. He heard himself ask in a small voice, "What did you need to talk to me about?"
"Us. The team." Daisuke winced, his voice dropping to a hiss of pain as he clutched the covers again for an even longer time than before. Spasming in some hidden ache, he focused his eyes on Ken's for a quick second and then it was over.
"Are you alright?" Ken asked softly, unsure of what else to ask. Unable to think of another way to ask it.
"Yeah... happens. Not important..." Daisuke wavered for a moment, his eyes blurring over swiftly before he managed to shake his head and stare at Ken again. The brilliance in them was enough to make Ken mesmerized. Even in this horrible, dark room, this child had prevailed with his spirit completely intact.
"Not much time... have to... talk... now," Daisuke added.
//The autumn winds
Have blown on through//
"Why me?" Ken blurted out in a strained voice. "Why not someone else?"
"Cause I wanna... talk to... you... best friend..." Daisuke managed to say tersely. "Shut up... n' listen...
"We haven't... always been... frie- friends..." Daisuke paused, breathing deeply after his stumble of words. Ken's heart twisted further at this sign, feeling as though he'd been slapped in the face. Daisuke's best friend or not, he hadn't visited him in the hospital at all. Knowing his phobia of places like this, Daisuke had never complained or inquired, just merely accepted it.
Which was why Ken was surprised when Takeru called him up, telling him in a trembling voice that Daisuke wanted to talk to him. Right then. There.
"We haven't... always been friends..." Daisuke repeated forcefully. "But... you are... everything that I... could ever want... for a... friend... team member..."
Ken felt a lump gather in his throat, and he swallowed. "Dai-kun..."
"No, sh'dup." Daisuke gave him a look and then continued. "You are... the kindest... most compassion... ate person... I've known. Don't like...? To bad..." The strength was rapidly going out of him now, draining his voice and expression slowly, sapping him of his vital energy. Ken wanted to tell him to stop it, save what he had left before he lost it all, but he knew without a doubt from the look on the Holder of Courage and Friendship's face that this was important. At least important to Daisuke.
That was all he needed to know.
Daisuke gripped his hand tightly, and Ken started in surprise, glancing down. Their hands-- Daisuke's thin but strong one, and Ken's soft and pale-- twined together like some perfect beautiful statue of unity.
"I need you... to do... something... special for... me?"
Ken met his friend's eyes again. Blinked hot tears back. "What? Name anything, and it's yours," he whispered almost inaudibaly.
"They'll... need help... to get through, Ken..." Daisuke squeezed his hand weakly and gave a knowing smile. "They'll need... you to... guide them...
"Need... a leader..."
//A quiet thought
Will tell our story//
Ken jerked back as if stun or bitten by a python. "What?!"
"You heard... me..."
Mouth agape in horror, large violet eyes disbelieving, Ken shook his head. His blue hair swept over his forehead repeatedly as he did, so great was the violence in that one action. "I-I couldn't be their leader! You're their leader!"
"You can't... be leader... if gone..." Daisuke reminded him gently.
Ken shook his head again, unknowingly gripping Daisuke's frail hand tight. "It's still your... your position. I could never take your place. The others still barely even trust me a little... they never liked me..."
Daisuke bit his lip and shook his head. "You have... to lead them. I wouldn't have... it any... any other way... They have... a future, ya know... destiny... a destiny..."
"Why me?"
"Because... you're perfect... for them," Daisuke said simply, sinking into the pillow with exhaustion. The conversation, so small and uneven, had worn him out of his resources. The shadows under his eyes seemed so much deeper now.
"I won't have to be leader, though," Ken said desperatly, eyes almost frantic. "You'll be the leader when you get out of here." A deep, dark pain was burrowing inside of him, something that hurt him every time he thought about the possibility of... of something. Of Daisuke never being there again. Never seeing that familiar, warm grin every morning. The gung-ho attitude, the reckless abandon, and unfailing courage. Always there, Daisuke.
Surely so much life couldn't just be gone, right?
Daisuke laughed, almost to quiet for Ken to hear. While fear was now written plainly on Ken's face, the grief almost pliable, his own face was completely clear and understanding. He gestured to the window vaguelly, almost beaming. "Even sunshine... falls... Ken. But- tell ya wh-what... If... I make it out... I'll be the leader. If not... promise?"
"I can't," Ken said shakily. "Not now, not ever." To admit the chance of Daisuke not being there anymore... to admit that...
Never. Never ever.
//Tomorrow still holds out its hand
to you//
"Just... promise me... if I don't always... make it on... time," Daisuke gasped, almost running out of voice to finish what he had to say. His grip on Ken's was growing less fierce, fading out like the life on his face. Sleep was to fast in coming. "Promise... be their leader? Watch... over... them?"
Hot, burning tears ran down Ken's pale face in torrents as he was unable to stop them anymore. The dark fear inside of him was growing again- choking his throat and making him heave for air. "Go to sleep, Daisuke... you're tired."
"Promise me... first."
"I-I can't-"
"Life... life, Ken, is not... about sleeping..." Daisuke grinned again, although the fatigue was clearly showing through it this time. Yet it was still the same spirit, the same aura that had made Daisuke what he was, what he could be.
Ken wiped tears from his eyes quickly, but they still came, blurring his sight. Trying to distract himself, he asked, "Oh? What is it about?"
"Living... til tomorrow goes... by... then live... again..." Daisuke's voice was drifting off. "Tired... just promise.. me. Now."
"Will you go to sleep?"
"Yeah..."
"I... I promise. Alright?"
"Yeah, thanks..." Daisuke's soft brown eyes closed in relief, and his breathing became more even as he let the darkness take over. Ken felt his stomach twist at the sight.
"But I didn't have to promise," he whispered helplessly, his face streaked with tears. "You're going to wake up tomorrow..."
A pair of goggles lay on the side table, displayed as though a proud possession, and glinting with the sun.
//Yes, tomorrow still holds out its hand
to you//
The doctors told me he slipped into a coma right after I left.
I remember putting the goggles in Daisuke's limp hand as he slept. Closing his fingers over the worn, proud strap, securing them in his grip. They felt wrong on the table- they were a part of my friend, a third hand, his compass and guide to glory. Somehow it just felt right that he would wear them in his last moments to something even greater.
I cried more. I expected that. When Sam died, I spent days crying in my room, begging someone to bring him back for me so I could at least apologize for the horrible thing I'd done when I asked him to go away forever. So I expected the tears when they came for Daisuke.
Expecting things does not make them easier.
I spent the night reading, textbooks, fantasy, I'm not sure anymore. I read the words, printed upon page after page, but they didn't seem to connect with my mind. Always in there was the image of him... laying against the pillow, so alive but trapped in a body that was failing on him.
The morning after, when Mom answered our yellow kitchen phone, I didn't have to ask.
I knew.
My parents and I hadn't had a very good relationship since Sam died, and even before that we had our little problems. Although after I came back from the Digital World, I tried harder to be a better son as Ken, and not just Sam, I still found a lack of communication in our lives. We became closer, but so very distant. Meals were filled with poliet chatter about politics, dinner, and school. They came to some of my soccer games and cheered me on even when I messed up a few of my goals. Yet we never really talked much, not since I changed...
But suddenly that didn't matter. As soon as she hanged up that phone and walked over to the table where I was sitting, she was opening her arms and I was filling them while I tried not to sob.
Daisuke Motomiya was officially pronounced dead from leukemia.
//Here some wings!
They're yours forever//
Hikari never did take it well. She and Takeru spent a lot of time grieving together, hidden under trees, crying and healing each other. Falling in love.
Daisuke would have had a fit.
Later, I reached up with Cody and Miyako, who both were grieving in their own ways. Cody's grandfather took a long time helping him through the tragedy. I'd like to say I helped someone through it, but I had a hard enough time getting up out of bed every morning. Miyako would come by with food from her parent's store sometimes, out of some maternal need to keep me in the outside world, I suppose.
After a while, I just stopped going outside. The world as I knew it became the four walls of my room, and my house was my warm bed. Buried beneath the covers and pillows, sleeping as much as I possibly could to get rid of the ache.
Because it hurt.
It hurt to breathe, and smile, and it took all my energy just to open my eyes. Suddenly, it was me who was drained of life instead of Dai-kun. I was the one trapped in a bed, always looking to the windows with some confused emotions. Wistfulness. Pain. The same things Daisuke must have felt every time he looked through the glass panes.
I wish I had visited him more often. Windows aren't very good company.
They always make you cry.
//And here's some dreams
That will come true//
It would have stayed that way. I, Ken Ichijouji, the boy genius not even bothering to go to school anymore. Staying home day after day, ignoring my mother whenever she asked me if I wanted something to eat. By the end of the first week I was mere skin and bones, most likely. As if I wasn't thin enough.
I couldn't get up. It hurt to even think about facing a large, harsh world like that-- one without the one familiar smile I could always count on. A world without Daisuke.
Strange how it was such a hard place to live in.
Even sunshine falls...
And yet he haunted me day and night.
I could have stayed there forever. I understood perfectly what was happening. My soul was mourning- my heart and everything I had, all mourning and in grief for the life that had just been extinguished.
He was my friend. My partner. Team mate.
Everything I could have wanted, and everything I would ever need.
Damn it all, now all I had left was a soccer ball, the demin jacket he left at my house a few months back and never was returned, and a few scattered, painful memories in my mind. I cherished all of those, what was left of him. Left only for me, no one else's eyes.
It could have stayed that way. Sleeping. Dreaming. Remembering and crying every time I did. What they used to say is wrong- time heals nothing. Time makes it worse every day, until you're begging to forget everything because it hurts so much.
I hadn't counted on one factor, though.
I made a promise. And I always keep my promises.
//Take these tears
Wash away your sorrow//
"Daisuke said... in this letter thing he gave to the doctor the day before... that these should belong to you now," Hikari said softly, her brown eyes compassionate as she gazed at the lifeless form of Ken.
Ken sighed slightly and looked down at her hand, where a familiar pair of goggles were clutched. "I-I don't want them. They're Taichi's now, again."
"I don't want them," Taichi said quietly from behind Hikari. He rested a hand on her shoulder, his face heavy with pain. "Daisuke made the right choice, Ken. I couldn't take them back if I wanted to. To much... to much memory..."
Yamato gently wrapped an arm around his brown haired love, and drew Taichi into a tight embrace. Taichi's shoulders shook for a second as he buried his face in Yamato's blue jacket. Ken turned from the sweetly sad scene, his own eyes filling with stunned tears. It hadn't occurred to him how the older Digidestined were taking this devestating loss.
Yamato and Taichi in particular. In some sense, the old holders of Friendship and Courage and been Daisuke's mentors. And an even better sense, Daisuke had been something like a son in some way. The one they would never have-- and now the one they could never have in Daisuke.
Ken took a deep breath, trying to control the tears sliding down his face, and studied the goggles in his hand. They shone with the sunlight, worn from many years of battles, but still strong.
They still felt like they belonged to Daisuke.
//Tomorrow still holds out its hands
to you//
Ken looked around at the Digidestined with new awakened eyes. Gathered in small compressed groups throughout the room, each looking numb or sad in some way, unable to cope with this disaster.
'You have... to lead them. I wouldn't have... it any... any other way... They have... a future, ya know... destiny... a destiny...'
The world was a harsh place. And it was hard to live without someone you cared about deeply. Yet there was something they could do-- it wouldn't bring Daisuke back. It wouldn't make him well and happy again, sitting there as though nothing would happen.
If they succeeded, though, they just might make him proud.
Ken put a hand on Taichi's shoulder and smiled softly at him in kindess. His crest. His greatest strength and most beautiful weakness. "Taichi... Daisuke wouldn't want us to give up. You know that, and I know that."
Taichi looked up from Yamato's shoulder and took a deep breath, his tear-filled chocolate eyes staring into Ken's own tear-filled purple ones. For a moment, Ken was struck by how much they looked like his dead friends.
Taichi nodded slowly. "Yeah... I know. Feel up to the job of leader?" He held out his hand, smiling.
Ken shook it, and gave him a watery smile. "Why not?"
//Yes, tomorrow still holds out its hand
to you//
We all have a destiny. Some sort of fate that guides us as we live by rules and numbers, that brings us hope when we need it, and makes us lost when we're to close. Sometimes destiny is cut off to abruptly, to soon-- sometimes it takes to long to settle in.
Sometimes when one thread is broken, they all fall together.
But fate's a fickle thing-- sometimes, if the thread is strong enough, it stays and weaves together something with the one that's broken, and makes it into something beautiful.
Such a tangled web of silver and gold and black, different rainbow glitters, forcasted shadows. It can never make complete sense, not destiny. But it would come all together somehow. It would regain it's pattern and the ends would meet in the middle.
Ken would see Daisuke someday, when every thread was aligned in perfection.
It was only destiny.
Every tomorrow would bring him closer.
//Yes, tomorrow still holds out its hands
to you//
Every leader goes out in glory, threads of devotion are never broken, and even sunshine falls.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
::coughs:: SUCKS... oh gods, I'm ashamed of this... thank god it was late and I have an excuse...
::many people kicked Kay's arse for saying that:: ^_^;;; Scary...
Daisuke: I thought it was fun! Next time, tell me, though, so I can bring popcorn...
Kay: I have a whip, you know.
Daisuke: ...eep.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~