Karkat had always struggled with his feelings when it came to John.

When he had first met John, had been sure he hated him with a hate so black and pure that it could surely burn out a hundred suns. But by the end of it, he wasn't so sure it was there anymore.

And, yes, when he had found that he would end up getting stuck with the two snarky blondes for three years rather than John and Jade, he'd felt a definite pang of disappointment.

During the first year, he'd thought about John. Maybe, he didn't hate the goof that much. And maybe, just maybe, he wouldn't mind having to hang with him too much. But these were just thoughts that stuck to his head whenever he was alone. When Gamzee was fucking off somewhere doing who knew what, when Terezi and Dave decided to smooch it up in can town or whatever it was they did there, when Rose and Kanaya spent hours with one another talking and giggling. So, often.

By the second, he'd admitted to himself that he did miss John, with his blue eyes, buckteeth and stupidity.

And by the third, maybe if you asked him whether he missed John, he would have admitted it to you too.

They got to meet often, now that what was done was done, now that this hellish game was over.

They'd hang, just like Karkat had thought they maybe could have. They'd have fun. They'd share movies, cry over romcoms. They'd exchange long, pointless conversations. John would crack the corniest jokes while Karkat would yell at his stupidity. They'd have fights, too. And they'd make up.

"I don't get it," you say, slumping back down into the couch once the end credits started to roll. "Guy doesn't really seem to pity her. Maybe envy to some extent, but I don't see any pity there."
"There's more to love than just pity, Karkat," says John, with a roll of his eyes. "Well, human love, at least."

Well, you think, if human love was that dumb he was sure as hell he didn't want to take any part in it.

"Hurry up and play the next episode, already," he says. "I wanna see what happens next."

As time flew by, Karkat realized he had stuff to worry about. Like the fluttery sensation when John would laugh. Like the attention he paid to his blue eyes and long lashes and the details he'd memorized of the dimples on John's face when he smiled, so clear he could see his face whenever he closed his eyes.

Karkat sat there, confused utterly at what it was he felt. Obviously not hate. No, he was not pale for John, either. He was pale for Kanaya. Kanaya was his moirail and they were perfectly happy together. And those two facts left only one heart clenching conclusion.

He was flushed for a bright eyed, buck teethed, goofy, stupid John Egbert, who had a thousand adjectives and more to describe him.

You sigh. Human Nicolas Cage is just as fucking boring as Troll Nicolas Cage.

That didn't stop John from loving the guy, though. The way he looked at him all starry eyed as though he was observing some legendary god working his magic or some shit. It was pitiable. It was stupid. The way his face lit up.. The curl of his lip at some scenes. The lines on his forehead when they reached the climax of his film. His eyes were the most expressive, with their long eyelashes and always brimming with whatever emotion he was feeling.

"Karkat?"

"…"

"Karkat."

"…"

"Karkat!"

You snap back to reality. "Huh. Oh, uh, what?"

"Are you even watching the movie? Or are you just gonna keep staring at me like that?"

"It was a fucking stupid movie, anyway."

John gives an exaggerated gasp. "No, it's not! It just so happens to be one of the best cinematic productions in history, Alternian or Earth." You roll your eyes. "Anyway, you better stop looking at me all the time. You might just end up falling for me!" And then he laughed like it was the most ridiculous thing in the universe, in any universe, and turned his attention back to the TV screen.

You turn away to hide the blush rising on your face. Oh god, did you really use the word 'enticing' for John?

He denied it as long as he could, denying the butterflies in his stomach, denying the blush that dusted his cheeks when John got too close, denying how thoughts of John and his glowing smile dwelled in his mind before he banished them.

But the inevitability of it he could not deny, and he had to admit it. He was flushed for the looming threat that was John Egbert.

But it would be ages after he admitted it to himself that he admitted it to John. It was one day where nearly everything had gone right, so who was to say one more thing couldn't? His luck did.

After hundreds of words explaining what he was about to say, and a difficult, "John, I'm flushed for you" he only got one crushing bunch of words back.

"Sorry, Karkat, but I am not a homosexual."

Who knew? Who knew eight words could bring him down like a trail of dominoes? Who knew John, of all people-human or troll, could break him like that? Who knew how many awkward apologies and light 'we could still be friends, though, y'know!'s it would take to convince Karkat nothing had happened at all?

And, above all, who knew that Karkat would seem calm about it?

But when he went back to his own place that night, he felt hollow. He cried a little. Washed his face. Punched a pillow. Cursed the evil that was John-fucking-Egbert. Then he'd watched The Notebook and gone to sleep.

And that was the end of that, anyone else would have said.

But not for Karkat (and certainly not for John, as he'd find afterwards.)

Karkat distanced himself from him once he realized it could never go back to as it had been. When he realized that when he watched movies with John, he still paid closer attention to John then screen, that he couldn't have John smiling at him without blushing and that he could never calm down his running heart whenever he was paid a simple compliment from the guy. No amount of swearing at John or doing this to him, no amount of swearing at himself for letting himself fall for John, no amount of pointless attempts to convince himself he was over the curse that was John Egbert would ever do him any good.

But after a month or two, he was glad he'd never managed to get over him.

Apparently, John had gone through a confusing phase himself, from Karkat's confession all the way over to losing touch with him.

"Karkat?" John's voice cracks from behind the telephone. "Is that you?"

"Yes, John, it's me. You called my number, who the fuck else do you expect to pick up?"

"Er, sorry." (He seems embarrassed. Stupid! You want to smack yourself for that.) "Anyway, I haven't seen you for a while! And we used to hang out so much before, too. Dave and Jade spend their whole day together. Even Rose is always with Kanaya! I mean, don't get me wrong, everyone else is still cool but…Sorry, I'm just going on and on. What I mean is, Karkat, I missed you!" (You try to control the leap of your stomach at that statement.) "I was hoping that, uh, maybe we could meet up today?"

You consider it. "I guess."

"Great!" (You can almost see the smile on John's face when he said that.) "How about that park? The one we used to go to sometimes? Let's meet up there at five, then!"

"Sure."

"Alright! Bye, Karkat."

"Bye."

The phone clicks. The conversation has ended, and it begins to dawn upon you how much of an idiot you are to agree to meet up with the guy who had rejected you just when you'd gotten over him.

X

"Oh, there you are! I was afraid you weren't going to show up. C'mon, let's walk around."

There he is, looking the same as he did when he last saw him. Messy, brown hair, goofy smile and all.

You nod and walks over towards him. They start walking along the trail. It's autumn, and shades of brown, red and gold leaves litter the ground, and trees loom from above half bare.

"So, how've you been?" John asks, looking at the troll.

"Amazing," you answer sarcastically, looking ahead in an attempt not to meet John's eyes.

There's an awkward silence in the air after that, and you convince yourself that it's because you both are just admiring the park's beauty.

Finally, you add a "You?"

"Huh?" John turns to you. "What'd you say?"

"I asked what you were doing, dumbass."

"Oh. Fine, really. Nothing special's happened, anyway."

"Mm."

"Uh, so how's it going with Kanaya? You two are moirails, right?"

"Yeah," You say, "And we're doing fine."

"Does it bother you she's hanging out with Rose a lot now?"

A fucking lot, you think, despite answering, "A little."

"Ah, yeah I get it. Dave's ditched me for my own sister. Which, by the way, is still pretty weird for me."

There's a pause.

"Nice weather we're having, right?" says John, in a piss-poor attempt to cover the stiffness of their conversation.

You're sick of this. You're sick of their conversation being bland as cardboard now when three months ago they were never out of things to talk about. "Really?!" he snaps. "Did you really fucking invite me over just so you could talk about how wonderful the weather is?"

"Jeez, sorry! No need to get so worked up about it!"

You two have stopped walking. You hesitate, then speak, quieter than your usual loud voice, "Did you really miss me?"

"Well, I - yeah!"

"Then how come you never fucking called?"

"Karkat, I, ugh. It's just been a really tough time for me, alright? It's been hard talking to you ever since you told me!"

"Told you what?!"
"That you liked me!"

You're taken aback by this. How the hell could it be hard for John?! It was hard for you! It was hard to know the one person you'd been flushed for in a long time didn't like you just because you were of the same gender! It was hard, to feel all fluttery when John looked at you! It was hard to distance yourself from one of the only people that made you feel the way he made you feel-happy!

"So,tell me, John" you say, every word dripping with bitterness, "exactly how fucking hard was it for you to just to tell me 'no'?"

"It-it was hard afterwards, Karkat! I had no idea how I felt afterwards!"

"Oh, but you knew when you told me you weren't a homo-whatever, didn't y-"

"Karkat, I like you too!"
If he had been surprised before, it was nothing compared to this.

John blushes before burying his face in his hands. "Aw, well that wasn't how I wanted this to go!"

"John."

"Wait, let me start over."

"John."

"So, I-"

"John, shut the fuck up for once."

Now John stops. "I-what?"

"I get it. We both like each other. Somehow I ended up, with my luck, falling for you, the stupidest human I ever could have stumbled upon. Then you rejected my feelings, and now you're saying you like me."

He sighed. "Yeah. But I want to ask," he looks up, "do you still like me?"

There is a pause as you think over it. Do you like John Egbert? "Yeah."

There is a smile beginning to spread across his face. You both stare at one another for an embarrassingly long time, until you both realize. John coughs. "So, uh, what now?"

You both know exactly what now.

And, when John leans in and you kiss him, it's the best you've felt in a long time.

AN: Wow! So, this is the longest I've written in a long time. Sorry for any grammar mistakes (I changed the tense when I was almost done) and if their personalities aren't too accurate, I'm very inconfident about how I've written them here :/ Anywho, this will probably be a collection of oneshots on johnkat, with some development into their relationship and all. Mostly Fluff Without Plot.