Disclaimer: We all know I don't own Gundam Wing, and the song is Innocente (Falling in Love) by Delerium.
A/N: The story takes place after Endless Waltz, and I made Duo join the Preventers while Heero took a more civilian job.
Warning: shounen ai, Heero is probably a bit OOC, but it's after EW, so... *shrugs*
"text" = speech
'text' = thoughts
text = lyrics
A boy was curled up on the windowsill, one arm pressed against the cold glass as he hugged his knees to his chest. In the faint moonlight - the only light illuminating the apartment - the tousled hair that fell into his eyes was drained of color, a lifeless shadow. He could barely make out the face caught forever in the picture he held so carefully in his trembling hands. He didn't need to see, not really. He knew that face better than he knew his own.
"Duo," he whispered, voice barely audible.
You can't see my eyes
You can't see my eyes
They don't see yours
Hear me when I say
They don't mind at all
'Strange,' Heero thought as he traced a finger over the pale cheek, 'I can't even remember when he started avoiding my gaze.'
Had the sense of loneliness that he refused to acknowledge consciously found an outlet in his eyes? Had he begun accusing Duo for his dedication to the Preventers long before the words left his mouth? Had his fear of abandonment, his doubt of his own worth, scared the other boy?
It's the rain that I hear coming
Not a stranger or a ghost
It's the quiet of a storm approaching
That I fear the most
It's the pain that I hear coming
"It's funny, really," he told the picture. "I could self-destruct and not feel a twinge of fear, but knowing that I was less than you deserved terrified me. You needed more than I could offer, and sooner or later you would see it."
Had Heero been more inclined to show emotion he might have let out some of the tension in a bitter laugh. He might have given in to the burning feeling in his chest and sobbed out loud. Being Heero, he allowed no more than his shaky breathing to betray his inner turmoil.
The slightest crystal tear
Drops to the ground in silence
When my love is near
Darling, when did you fall? When was it over?
Darling when? When did you fall? When was it over?
"When did you see?" he asked. If he noticed the tremble of his voice, he didn't care. "When did you see that you deserved - no, needed - someone better? How long did you stay before I gave you a way out?"
He remembered it so well, the night when Duo had promised stay with him.
"I won't ever leave you, not until you tell me to," Duo had said, "and you know I never lie."
'And he didn't,' Heero thought with a sigh. 'Despite how much he wanted to leave, he kept his word. Kept it until I gave up my selfish hold on him and let him go.'
It's marching through my door now
The stony cold of lonesome
A bell tolls for my heart
And then my lonesome song begins
It's marching through my door now
The stony cold of lonesome
A bell tolls for my heart
And now my lonesome song begins
Outside, the sky had begun to brighten once more. A barely noticeable shifting of nuances, it was still too early for Heero to call the sky blue, but it wasn't quite as black as before. Soon, the first traces of color would creep into his world again, heralding the dawn and mocking his own bland existence.
"Just two years ago, who would have though that I would be afraid to be alone?"
Heero stood, grimacing as stiff limbs were forced to move. How long had he been sitting there? Since Duo left, that much he knew, but how many days had passed since then? One? Two, maybe? It didn't really matter. Nothing mattered anymore. Without Duo, time was just a slow, meaningless counting of seconds. Without Duo, life was just a too long stretch of those seconds laid out to form a path through an unvaried gray emptiness. Without Duo, there was no color, no taste, no smell.
Darling, when did you cry? I couldn't hear you
Darling when? When did you cry? I couldn't hear you
He had seen the joy fade from Duo's smile, heard the strain in his laughter, and it broke his heart to know he was the cause of it.
Duo had called himself the God of Death, but his kills were clean, honest in their ruthlessness. What Heero did to him was much crueler, a slow draining of Duo's vitality as Heero tried to figure out what it meant to be human. Heero wasn't sure what that made him, and he didn't want to know.
Looking down at Duo's picture mournfully, Heero gave voice to the thoughts than had been plaguing him since the end of the Eve war.
"Maybe it had been better if you never taught me to feel. Maybe it would have been better if I had died when Wing Zero fell apart. Maybe that would have kept us both from hurting."
I suppose it is the price of falling in love
I suppose it is the price of falling in love
He sighed. "If I had known how unhappy I would make you, I would have broken my promise to you. I would have made sure that I didn't survive that crash. You didn't deserve this."
Something in his chest tightened. It hurt so much to know that the one person he had lived for would have been better off if Heero had died. And it hurt even more that he still couldn't regret being Duo's lover, that he couldn't truly wish that they had never been important to each other. He should be sorry for what he had done, and he was, but he didn't regret it. And that felt like a greater betrayal of Duo's faith in him than his failure as a lover.
It's the rain that I hear coming
Not a stranger, not a ghost
Of the quiet of a storm approaching
That I fear the most
It's the pain that I hear coming
He walked over to the couch and picked up the frame he had thrown there after Duo left. A hint of a smile touched his lips, but the sorrow never left his eyes.
The frame had been a gift from Duo, unexpectedly plunked down on the desk next to his laptop one evening. He had looked up at the braided boy questioningly, not understanding what had prompted him to do such a thing.
"It's gold," Duo had said breezily, "meant to last forever. It's supposed to hold something that means a lot to you."
Heero shook his head to banish the memory and gently put the picture back where it belonged. He didn't have the right to hold it in his hands anymore. He'd lost that right when he told his lover to leave and don't come back.
The slightest crystal tear
Drops to the ground in silence
When my love is near
It's marching through my door now
The stony cold of lonesome
A bell tolls for my heart
And now my lonesome song will end
He fell to his knees, leaning against the couch as the first sob shook him. Biting his lip till it bled, he fought to keep quiet as the tears flowed down his cheeks, painting heated lines over his chilled skin.
Darling when did we fall? When was it over?
Darling when? When did we fall? When was it over?
When the storm stilled, he remained where he was, his arms and forehead resting against the couch. There was a moment of complete silence before a single choked whisper escaped him.
"Why couldn't I be what you needed?"
I suppose it is the price of falling in love
I fear that it's the price of falling in love
**********************************
A/N: Thanks for reading, and please review!
Daughter of Night