So this is the first thing I've written (and actually finished) in the last three months. Don't tell me if it's crap, I'm sensitive lol
Title from Shakespeare's Much Ado About Nothing, "I do love nothing in the world as well as you."
Afterwards, Clarke will probably admit that she didn't expect a game of spin the bottle, of all things, be what finally pushed her and Bellamy to admit their feelings for each other. Well, it may not have been the deciding thing that had gotten them together, but it definitely was a huge step towards their proverbial happy ending.
It's Octavia's 21st birthday party, and it feels like everyone is invited. Clarke's pretty sure she only knows half of all the people crammed into the four-bedroom house Octavia rents with Harper, Monty and Jasper. It's not surprising, if Clarke's honest, Octavia is easily the most sociable person she knows.
Incomparably less outgoing than Octavia, Clarke likes to think that she isn't a socially awkward person, yet certain things always make her uncomfortable (like — shocker – playing spin the bottle). She's just shy. Shy doesn't equal socially awkward, right? She hopes so. The fact that she immediately gets uncomfortable when Octavia suggests playing spin the bottle just means she's shy and modest, and nothing else.
By the point the suggestion is thrown out there it's half past midnight, and a lot of people are either tipsy or full on wasted, so everyone cheers at the idea, and they form a huge circle in the living room. Clarke sits between Raven on her left (which makes her relax a little; despite their rocky past, she likes Raven, and she's pretty sure Raven likes her) and a random guy on her left, who says his name is Jared in that football playing/beer drinking/fraternity guy voice of his. (Clarke isn't prejudiced, those are the things he mentions in the first sentence he says to her.) She shuffles away a little, uncomfortable, when Jared sits too close and his shoulder brushes hers. She hopes he gets the message.
On Raven's right, there's a guy called Murphy (although Clarke isn't sure that's actually his name) who seems to be eyeing her every so often. Clarke smiles when Raven rolls her eyes at him: she can tell her friend's exasperated, and not annoyed. She'll probably like the guy, given time.
She looks at Octavia, three o'clock, her brother on her right and Lincoln (whom Clarke brought as her plus one because Octavia asked her to) on her left. Clarke is pretty sure her friend only wanted to play spin the bottle just so she'd get to kiss Lincoln. She doesn't know why she needs to do that, Lincoln literally spent half the party talking to Octavia, and the other half looking at her.
Clarke thinks about refusing to play, but then she'd have to explain why and be the only one who's "uncool" enough to not play, so she sticks around and hopes the bottle won't point to her. Ever.
It does, of course. It's Jasper who's spinning, and Clarke isn't bothered that much, she and Jasper are good friends. (And there's a rule that no tongues are involved, unless both parties are willing.) So she gives him a quick peck on the lips and sits back down.
"Your turn to spin," Jared tells her, like she doesn't know the rules. "Hope it's me," he whispers into her ear, and Clarke does her best not to cringe.
She spins the bottle, and it points at Raven, so they just smile at each other, and Clarke gives her lips a light peck. It doesn't feel weird, and she's starting to feel optimistic about the whole thing. Until the bottle points at Jared, and when he starts spinning, she feels terrified that it would point at her, so she excuses herself and goes to the toilet.
She returns when she's sure it's not his turn anymore, and when he tries to put his arm around her, she cringes once again. She's not someone who does well with confrontations, so she takes a few minutes to come up with an excuse to move seats: she says her phone is dying and sits in the spot that's nearest to the power socket. It happens to be next to Octavia's irritating yet hot and intelligent and overall amazing brother, Bellamy Blake.
Clarke can't even begin to describe the whole palette of feelings she has for him. She's known Octavia forever, through their high school's drama club, and Bellamy was already in college by that time, being six years older than his sister, and five years older than Clarke. They met when Octavia and Clarke were supposed to paint a backdrop for a play, and Octavia forgot to mention that she'd recruited her brother to help. Clarke's car broke down on her way to school, so she was thirty minutes late, and the first thing Bellamy ever said to her was, "How good to finally see you, princess. Whatever kept you?" in that sarcastic voice of his, and it all started from there.
In Clarke's defence, her father had just died a month before that, so she fluctuated between either being depressed or snapping at everyone for so much as breathing in her direction (or both). Despite that, she regrets the way she immediately rose to the bait. It wasn't her proudest moment.
She didn't see him often after that, not until her senior year, when Bellamy moved back home after having graduated university. Ever since then, it seemed like wherever she went, he followed. Of course, he was following Octavia, who was accepted to the same college that Clarke put down as her first choice.
Their tentative peace and even friendship (built with hard work, theirs and Octavia's) is now something she treasures. Truth be told, she likes him. Not just in a "he's so hot, I wish we could date" kind of way (although she'd definitely love that), but also because there is so much more to him. He's smart and intelligent and witty, he's genuinely funny and open-minded and he cares about Octavia in a way she's never seen siblings care for each other. He also takes a long time to warm up to people, but once he does, there's nothing he wouldn't do for them. Clarke is pretty sure that applies to her as well. He might not like her the way she likes him, but he knows she's important to his sister, and so she has become his adoptive friend of sorts. And even that is a gift, in Clarke's opinion, and she would never do anything to jeopardise it.
Which is why she prays, when he spins the bottle, that it doesn't land on her. She would love to kiss him, she's not so delusional as to lie to herself about that, but if he finds out about her feelings for him, it might make things awkward. And the last thing she wants is for them to be awkward.
But her seat must be cursed because the bottle has been pointing at her almost constantly (Raven will later explain that it was probably because of uneven floors and gravity, which Clarke will pretend to understand), and that's exactly what happens when Bellamy spins it.
Clarke hopes he can't feel her freeze in shock, because that would only add to the awkwardness that's already there. But he must, since he turns to look at her with a fond smile (that tells her that she's just a friend, if not an equivalent of a sister to him), and shrugs a little.
"You're not going to barf after I kiss you, are you, princess?"
Clarke lets out a soft snort, despite herself. "Maybe just a little."
She's looking him in the eyes, and then suddenly his face is close, and, even though she knows it will be just a small peck, she shuts her eyes.
At first, Clarke doesn't pucker her lips like she would with anyone else, but then she feels Bellamy's lips on hers and she can't help but return the pressure softly. The kiss feels longer than any other one did, and she thinks that maybe she died and her soul went to heaven.
But then he pulls away, and Clarke opens her eyes, a little dazed, her lips still tingling from the kiss and the electricity of it. The friendly smile Bellamy gives her brings her back to Earth. The kiss didn't mean anything to him, just like she knew before, and why would it? They're not even close friends. Just because she has a stupid crush doesn't mean he feels the same.
She reminds herself that this can't be awkward, and that their friendship is so important to her, so she forces herself to return the smile and do her best to pretend like her heart isn't beating like she just ran a marathon.
Clarke spins the bottle, kisses Jasper again, and sits back, still deep in thought, but doing a moderately good job (she thinks) at pretending like everything is fine. She's so distracted that she misses a few rounds, and Monty – sitting to her right – has to tug her sleeve to let her know the bottle pointed at her again. She resists the urge to roll her eyes and lets Harper kiss her.
Then it's her turn to spin, and she feels resigned enough by now that she doesn't even care whom it lands on, but then the bottle stops between Bellamy and Octavia. Clarke freezes again.
"I'm pretty sure that's Bellamy," Raven says after a few seconds of general silence.
"Nah, I think it's Octavia," Jasper interjects.
Everyone starts arguing, stating their opinions and shouting over each other. That goes on for a good minute, and Clarke kind of wants the Earth to swallow her up, when Raven raises her hand, somehow managing to silence everyone.
"I've made an executive decision," she says, "and Clarke has to kiss Bellamy."
Clarke doesn't acknowledge mentally that her stupid heart pretty much sings in relief when she hears that. She obediently turns to peck him on the lips, doing her best to keep it as short and as impassive as possible, and when it seems like Bellamy's lips follow hers for a split second, she thinks it must be just wishful thinking on her part.
And that would be the end of it, but Octavia is drunk, and drunk Octavia is even more capricious than sober Octavia, and right now she decides to be offended that Clarke chose (even though it was technically Raven's decision) Bellamy, and not her.
Clarke has to smile when she sees her friend's sad and heartbroken face. "You do know it's not a competition?" she asks.
Octavia rests her chin on her knee. "You just don't love me," she says.
And Clarke loves her friend and knows her well enough that when she's like this, it's better to do as she asks. So she pushes up a little and kisses her lightly: "I always wanted to kiss you anyway," she tells her, half-joke, and Octavia beams, happy.
That eases tension out of Clarke, but only for a few seconds because when Bellamy spins the bottle, it points at Echo. Everyone knows Echo's had the hots for him for a long time now, and Clarke realises it's stupid to be jealous when Echo tugs him closer and kisses him with tongue and Bellamy kisses back. She knows it's stupid, it's not like Bellamy owes her feelings any consideration, especially since he doesn't even know they exist. And why would he? She's just his little sister's best friend.
Echo and Bellamy pull apart after a long kiss, and everyone's wolf-whistling or applauding or just grinning (everyone except Octavia, who's frowning like she does when she opens the fridge to find out someone ate her last yoghurt), and Bellamy's smiling too, his cheeks pink, and it just hurts so much that suddenly Clarke feels like she can't breathe.
She gets up, a little too quickly, almost ripping the charger out of the socket and breaking it.
"Clarke?" Raven frowns up at her from her seat on the floor. "You're not leaving already?"
"Ugh, I have to go, unfortunately," Clarke says, sounding awkward even to herself. "Have a lecture at ten."
That causes a few collective groans, and she would be flattered if she didn't feel like she was going to throw up.
"I'll walk you out-" Bellamy starts to say, but Clarke interrupts him.
"No, Octavia will. She's the birthday girl."
Octavia jumps up at that, excited. They both walk to the front door, and Octavia waits for her friend to put her shoes and her coat on.
"Did you have fun tonight?" she asks, sounding a little worried and insecure. Octavia knows Clarke finds it harder than her to be surrounded by so many people.
Clarke gives her a soft smile as she ties her scarf around her neck. "Of course! It was a great party."
"I'm glad," Octavia gives her a tight hug. "I'll see you tomorrow, for lunch?"
"Definitely, 1pm on the dot."
Clarke turns to leave, but Octavia stops her. "Wait, I'm going to ask Lincoln to walk you home, it's dark."
"Octavia, my apartment building is literally a block away," she tries, but her friend is having none of it.
"Not happening," she says and disappears into the living room, returning with Lincoln in tow.
"She definitely wants you to come back," Clarke tells him on their way to her apartment.
"She does?" he asks, genuinely surprised, and Clarke just rolls her eyes, giving her friend a light shove. She'll have to do a better job at being a wingman. Not like her own romantic life is fixing itself any time soon. She might as well help her friends.
When she, Octavia, Raven and Harper meet up for lunch the next day, the main topic of discussion is the party, although Clarke really wishes they would just drop it.
It isn't bad for a while because they just talk about who was invited but didn't show up, and also who left early. But then Raven winks at Harper and says, "Someone here left a little early with Monty."
Harper blushes, and Clarke can't help her smile when Octavia says, "Oh, finally," like she wasn't there and didn't see them leave together. Clarke agree, however. Those two have been pining for each other for months now, and she's just happy they finally got together.
Harper, presumably to divert attention from herself, responds with, "Well, I'm not the only who had game last night," and Clarke doesn't think anything of it until Octavia's face screws up.
"Ew, if you mean my brother, then let's never talk about it."
Clarke knows Octavia wouldn't react this way to just a kiss that they all saw happen during the game, and there's still some glimmer of hope in her heart, but then Raven shrugs one shoulder and explains, "Bellamy left with Echo last night," briefly filling Clarke in as to what happened after she left.
The pain and feeling of hopelessness from the night before returns, and for a second all Clarke can think about is how to not throw up. The rest of the conversation is a blur, but she remembers Octavia watching her intently, her brow furrowed, as she sipped on her soy latte.
She has made is awkward, Clarke realises, because Octavia now knows, and she has no idea what to do.
Octavia is one of those freakishly observant people who can detect romantic feelings a mile away, but she's not one to make people uncomfortable, so Clarke isn't surprised that she doesn't call her out on it at lunch, in front of Raven and Harper.
Octavia waits until it's just the two of them, on the bus home, when she says, "Have you tried just telling him?"
Clarke doesn't pretend to be ignorant of the meaning. "He doesn't like me that way, O."
"How would you know?"
"Because to him I'm just his sister's best friend, an adoptive sister pretty much. And he would've said something if he liked me."
"Well, why didn't you say something?"
Clarke notices she didn't dispute the adoptive sister part.
"Because I don't want to make it weird."
"Well, maybe he doesn't want to make it weird either?" Clarke doesn't know what to say to that. "And anyway, isn't it better to be honest with him than make him feel like he's done something wrong?"
Clarke's gaze snaps to Octavia. "Did he say something last night?"
Her friend rolls her eyes and lets out a huff, "You're ridiculous. No, he didn't. But he was all mopey when you left, and I could just tell he thought it was because you felt awkward kissing him. You know him, he thinks everything in the universe is his fault."
Clarke picks at her cuticle. "Well, he obviously didn't feel bad for long because it didn't stop him from leaving with Echo."
Octavia rolls her eyes again, exasperated. "Whatever. I've tried, but you're hopeless."
Clarke gives her a soft smile at that, despite herself. She's lucky to have a friend like Octavia.
The thought that technically, by hiding her feelings, Clarke is not only lying to Bellamy, but also making him feel like he's done something wrong, keeps gnawing on her as she ignores his Facebook messages for the next few days.
They don't often talk to each other on social media, it's just that their tastes are so remarkably similar that they tend to find the same things funny, so from time to time they send memes to each other or take screenshots and bitch about people's stupidity.
When Clarke ignores a screenshot and his bitching about a colleague of his who is a Trump supporter, she knows Bellamy realises that something's off. She feels awful, but for some reason she can't fathom speaking to him the way she always used to.
He gives her a little over 24 hours, and then sends more messages.
You do know ignoring people is rude, princess?
Clarke smiles at that, wondering how he can give her an attitude even through messages.
Then, when she doesn't respond to that either:
Is everything alright?
Have I done something wrong?
Her heart aches at that one, and she's about to open the messenger app to respond, when her phone starts to ring. It's Bellamy, and they don't do phone calls unless it's something urgent, so it makes her feel even more guilty and less inclined to speak to him. She deserves to feel guilty, she's been awful to him.
Bellamy calls her two more times, and she continues to ignore him. She doesn't have any lectures that day, so she coops up in her apartment, re-watching season 1 of Brooklyn Nine-Nine in a useless attempt to feel a little bit better.
It's around 9pm when she gets a text and immediately checks her phone out of habit. It's from Octavia.
Octavia Blake: bell asked me if u were busy today and i told him ur off all day and he said that confirmed u were blowing him off
Me: Noooooooo
Octavia Blake: well how was i supposed to know why he asked
anyway
he seemed heartbroken
so u better get ur shit together and talk to him
and clarke i love u but i won't just sit and watch u hurt my brother
so just fucking do something
or i will slap u into next week
Clarke knows she means it, too. Not the slapping, of course, but she'll definitely do something, and whatever Octavia comes up with will be a lot worse than just confessing her feelings to Bellamy and being rejected.
Suddenly, all the guilt she's been feeling all day comes rushing back. She knew she was being unfair, but it never occurred to her that she might be hurting Bellamy. She just thought she was hurting herself.
Clarke buries herself into her pillows and wants to disappear from the face of the Earth.
Clarke has only been to Bellamy's apartment a few times before, mostly when meeting up with friends for movie nights and the likes. She's never been alone, though, and it only adds to her anxiety that this is the first time. But she knows this is the right thing to do, even if (or more likely, when) she gets rejected.
Perhaps she needs to hear it. If Bellamy puts her hopes to rest forever, then maybe she'll hurt for a while, but eventually move on and everything will be fine. She needs to woman up and face her feelings head on. She can do this.
With that emotional outset, she rings the bell.
Bellamy opens in a few seconds, which isn't surprising: his apartment is relatively small, so it's never a long walk to the front door. His eyes widen in surprise when he sees that it's her, and she smiles weakly, giving him a little wave which is probably weird because she's literally standing less than four feet away.
"Hi," he says, his brows furrowed.
Clarke realises this is weird, considering she's been giving him the cold shoulder for the last four days, but looks him square in the eyes nevertheless. She can do this.
"Can we talk? If you're not busy."
"Of course. Come in," he says, confusion still written all over his face.
He is probably expecting her to get undressed at first or something, but she just wants to get it over with.
"I'm sorry I've been ignoring you recently," she says, forcing herself to speak at a normal pace when her natural reaction would be to just blurt whatever she has to say and run away.
"Yeah, that," Bellamy says, crossing his arms defensively. "Don't know what I've done to deserve that."
"Nothing, it's— It's not your fault at all," she reassures him, her heart beating like a hammer.
"Then why?"
"It's just… I—" the words get stuck somewhere in her throat, but she forces them out. "I'm kind of in love with you?"
His eyes widen again, and if she wasn't hundred percent sure before that she was going to get rejected, it's his genuine surprise that confirms it once and for all.
Bellamy wants to say something, but lets her continue.
"I thought you suspected so after that game of spin the bottle, but," she pauses, "evidently not. And when I saw you kiss Echo at Octavia's party, it hurt. That's why I left so early. And then, at lunch the next day, I was told that you hooked up with her, and I just… I didn't know how to be around you or to speak to you after that."
The look in his eyes turns soft, like she knew it would. Bellamy would never want to hurt her feelings, so he will probably just let her down easy.
"So yeah, I sort of… pulled away. I didn't mean to hurt you by doing that, and I'm very sorry that I did. Our friendship is very important to me, and I promise, if you give me some time to come to terms with the fact that you're in a relationship with Echo now, it'll all be back to normal soon. I'm sorry again."
He doesn't say anything for a few seconds, and Clarke turns to leave, when his voice stops her.
"I'm not in a relationship with Echo."
Clarke gives him a smile, "Then I'll have even less to get to terms with."
"And I didn't hook up with her either. She was drunk and I just walked her home to make sure she's safe."
"Oh."
"I'm hung up on someone else, I wouldn't do Echo the dishonour."
Clarke doesn't let herself hope. Just because he didn't get with Echo doesn't mean it's her he wants. But those thoughts only last a few seconds, because then Bellamy comes close, and his hand is on her cheek, and he kisses her, and it's everything's she ever dreamed of.
His lips are just as soft and warm as they were the other night, but this time he's kissing her because he wants to, not because they're playing a game of spin the bottle. Just that realisation makes Clarke feel like crying with relief and happiness.
It's her hewants.
Bellamy wants her.
When he pulls away, it isn't far, and his forehead meets hers, their breaths mingling together.
"I've wanted to do that for years," he admits.
Clarke chuckles and wonders if it's possible to die of happiness.
"Why didn't you?"
He shrugs. "Didn't want to be the creep that hits on my little sister's best friend. Didn't think me being in love with you was a justification."
She's pretty sure her heart stops at that exact moment.
Bellamy kisses her a few more times and pulls away farther now. His thumb strokes her cheek lightly, other hand playing with her hair.
"Do you want to have dinner with me?" he asks.
Clarke feels glee bubble up inside her. "I could eat."
"Take off your coat. I'll cook," he says.
Clarke is happy to oblige.
Thank you for reading, and do find me on tumblr (I'm madigriffen), I promise I'm very friendly.