A/N: This fic was edited on 08 June 2012.
The inspiration for this oneshot was the song "Because You Loved Me," by Celine Dion, thus the title. The lyrics just fit the idea of story so well! Another thing to keep in mind is that this story is told from May's POV in the first person.
Lately I'm a fan of stories that are more ambiguous in nature; stories that aren't full on romance novels with a shirtless Fabio on the front cover, but the lovey-dovey-ness is still there if you want it to be. It's just a little more understated. I like how realistic stories like this are, but they're still hopeful and happy at the same time. Realistic doesn't always have to mean sad!
Another thing I should mention: I haven't kept up with the actual plotline of the Pokemon series for a couple of years now, but I did do a bit of research while revising so the story would be as accurate as possible. But if something changed that I don't know about and it's conflicting with the plot of this story, just disregard it for the sake of the story, haha!
Anyway, hope you all enjoy! Thank you for reading!
Because You Loved Me
By S. Muffin
If you were to ask somebody what the worst pain in the world is, and they answer "paper-cut," or "stubbing your toe," or "hitting your funny bone," gosh, are they ever wrong.
I'll tell you the real answer.
I should first make it clear that I'm not in fact referring to physical pain of any kind. Time heals all physical wounds eventually, as long as they aren't fatal.
As cliché as it sounds, the absolute worst pain in the world that I'm talking about is being away from the people that you love.
To the average person, this might not seem be as big of a deal to them as it is to me. He or she might think, "Yeah, I might not be able to see some of the people I love right now, but I'll arrange a holiday visit or go on vacation this summer and see them then."
I, however, as you might have already guessed, am not your average person.
I spend at least at least eleven months (sometimes longer, depending on what goals I may have set for myself) out of each year mostly alone, away from the people who are closest to me, traveling the world and competing in Pokemon Contests all year round. Occasionally, if I'm lucky, I'll be able to come home to Petalburg City for a week or so and see my family, depending on my schedule, as well as my parents' schedules and my brother Max's as well. Occasionally, again, if I'm lucky, I'll run into some friends and acquaintances that I've met through contests and then see them again for a few days at a Grand Festival.
The good thing about family is, even if you don't get to see them very often, you're still family. Despite the fact that my parents are keeping busy running their gym and that Max is also traveling on his own journey on a different continent altogether, I know that I'll eventually see them again at some point or another simply because we're related to one another. That's just how family is. You're bound together by blood, and that's something you can never let go of or forget. Your parents will always be your parents, your siblings will always be your siblings, your aunts and uncles and cousins will always be your aunts and uncles and cousins, and so on and so forth.
The same thing sort of applies with people you're friends with through your profession. No matter how far apart you are during the year, you're expected to run into people that share your profession at some point. Like I said before, when I compete in certain contests and especially when I compete in a Grand Festival, I'm obviously going to see other Coordinators there that I've met and befriended over the years.
But the reason why I still firmly believe that it's the worst pain in the world is because, sometimes, there are certain people that you hold so dear in your heart but have gone so long without seeing that you're afraid you might never even see them again.
When I was twelve years old, I decided to pursue my dreams by myself and travel to Johto to compete in contests with the rest of my rivals. At first, Max was planning on coming with me, but then decided, along with permission from our dad, that it was time for him to start his own journey and he began to travel around Hoenn. So, for the first time in my life, I would actually be traveling alone.
I honestly had no idea what I was getting myself into when I decided to follow through with my plan to go to Johto, now totally alone. The only thing I knew for sure was that I wanted to go where all of my Contest friends and rivals were going, so I could keep up with them and, of course, continue kicking their asses. But when I got there I was suddenly faced with the realization of just how hard traveling by myself would be. I had no one to rely on but me and me alone. It took me a while, and I definitely made a fair amount of mistakes before I was fully capable of functioning by myself, but it was a reality-check that I needed in order to become the person I am today.
Another thing that I didn't know was that, aside from the occasional letters and phone calls, I wouldn't be able to physically see my best friend nearly as much as I would have liked.
Ash Ketchum is, no doubt about it, my best friend in the entire world.
Having to say goodbye to him when Max and I left was devastating. During my first several months in Johto, I'd wake up every morning expecting to see his sleeping bag right beside mine, or his unconscious body sprawled out on the bunk below mine in a Pokemon Center, but, every morning, I'd be disappointed to see that neither instance was the case.
I should take a second to a mention that, yes, of course I miss Brock too; he's like a big brother to me in so many ways and I'm not trying to say that I didn't appreciate having him in my life. But Ash and I had grown especially close during the years we spent traveling together in our group. Firstly, we were the closest in age among the four of us. Secondly, Ash was the first person I met when I first set out on my travels, and I was also one of the first people he met when he arrived in Hoenn, so we had already formed a bond when we were anticipating that we would be traveling together just the two of us. Finally, as time went on I discovered that we just related to each other in so many ways and on so many levels. We could talk to each other about anything and everything for hours on end and always have something new and interesting to say. We made each other laugh and spent many long nights telling each other stupid jokes that only the two of us found funny. We hardly ever fought, and ended up apologizing profusely to each other afterwards if we did.
Most importantly, though, I think the reason we got along so well was because of Ash's naturally friendly personality. He genuinely cared about people one hundred and fifty percent of the time. It's not that anyone else didn't care, but Ash always made it a priority to show his friends just how much they meant to him, and the amount of effort he put into our friendship in particular was something I always counted on and grew very attached to. Ash eventually became my main support, my second backbone in a way. His optimism and belief in me was what kept me going throughout our entire journey together. I relied on him so much and I was always able to find my own self-confidence through him.
When Ash was around, I felt like somebody. Not just anybody.
Ash was the key to my motivation. When we trained together, he was completely honest with me and he would always make suggestions if he felt that there was something I needed to improve. He was never harsh, though, and his advice just made me eager to train even more and make the necessary adjustments to my routines. But whenever I was doubtful or hard on myself, he gave me nothing but reassurance and praise. He would tell me I was my own worst enemy; that I was too critical of myself even when I was doing great. If felt like giving up, or insecure about my ability, he'd snap me out of it instantly. He'd always tell me how talented I was, and then he'd go on about how much I had improved since I first started competing. To this day I'm shocked that he held me in such high regards.
The fact that he had such sincere faith in me when I had absolutely none in myself is what got me through everything from then on, no matter how big or small. He'd look me dead in the eyes and say, "The May I know would never give up on her dreams," and I'd bounce back.
He really did know me better than I knew myself sometimes.
Unfortunately, the fact that I depended on Ash so much eventually backfired on me one day. When I was competing in my first Contest in Johto, it had suddenly occurred to me that I couldn't hear him cheering me on among the other people in the crowd. And once that realization totally sunk in, I panicked. I became so terrified of failing that I choked and actually did end up losing that Contest altogether, losing so miserably that I didn't even place.
For a while after that incident I felt hopeless. I thought I was the biggest loser on the face of the planet and that no one could ever fail as much as I had failed. I felt so utterly useless that I didn't even bother to enter my next two scheduled Contests.
I felt as if I really couldn't do it alone, that I truly needed someone to be there for me in order to succeed. All I could think about was what an awful Coordinator I'd turned out to be if I couldn't even Coordinate without someone else helping me along the way. I began to regret ever travelling to Johto alone in the first place. I'd never been so scared about competing in Contests before; I hadn't even been that scared during my first Contest ever in Hoenn. I just wanted to call it quits, go back home, and forget about Contests and being a Coordinator altogether. If I was just going to keep losing, what was the point? I couldn't do it alone.
Then I thought, "What would Ash say if I told him I quit?"
I couldn't let him down. I could just imagine the look on his face had I told him I'd simply given up, and the very thought of that killed me.
And besides, I had already let myself down, and that just wasn't who I was.
"The May I know would never give up on her dreams."
I had successfully managed to turn into a pathetic, whiny, teenage brat that was just wasting her time wallowing in self-pity rather than doing something productive, and the fact that that had been my only accomplishment thus far on my journey, quite honestly, really pissed me off. The way I was acting was disappointing, and I couldn't stand to look at myself when I was like that. My behavior after losing the Contest was even more embarrassing than actually losing the Contest itself.
I didn't travel to Johto to lose every ounce of self confidence I had; I came to take charge of the Contest scene and prove to myself and everyone around me that I was passionate about what I did and also really damn good at it. I wasn't going to allow myself to be swallowed by negativity any further.
It took a little bit more time before I was able to put myself back together again. Of course, with my main support team still being so far away, there would always be a few missing pieces. But the anxiety that was interfering with my life was finally gone. My confidence and my self-esteem levels were through the roof again, and I was able to conquer my fear of failure all by myself. Ultimately, I decided against telling anyone about the whole ordeal, especially Ash. I didn't want anyone to start worrying about me.
I got my act together and won all of the ribbons I needed in order to compete in the Grand Festival in Johto. In addition to that, I managed to place second in the Festival overall, and even though it wasn't first place it was still a huge accomplishment for me, considering that several months prior to the Festival my biggest worry had been simply placing at all in a regular Contest.
Ash couldn't be there to see me compete, sadly, but he was able to call me at my hotel and wish me luck. He told me he knew I would do great, and also promised to watch it on T.V.
Unfortunately, the pain of being away from the ones I love will always be a part of my life. I suppose it just comes with the territory of constantly traveling the world and competing in Contests, or something else equally as time consuming. But, I can't help that it's what I love to do, and there are sometimes downsides that go along with doing the things you love. In my case, it means that I have to be away from almost everyone I know in order to achieve my goals.
I'll also always have to cope with the fear of never seeing my best friend again. Even now, at seventeen years old, I've only been able to see Ash one time since we said goodbye, when I traveled to Sinnoh to compete in the Wallace Cup. We still write to each other, and do our best to call each other when time allows, but at the moment we're both moving in two different directions and are just too busy to plan any more proper visits.
That doesn't mean, however, that I'm giving up on our friendship anytime soon. Despite the fact that I'm scared that I'll never see him again, I'll still hold on to the hope that one of these days I will see him again. I'll still write, I'll still call, and I'll always value the loving friendship we're doing our best to keep alive. Thinking positively is the only way anyone can really deal with a situation like ours, honestly. And it's the kind of mentality that I've been trying my hardest to stick to.
We may be on opposite ends of the world at this point in time, but our paths will cross once again. And when that day finally comes I'll do whatever it is I have to do to make sure we don't go another three or four or however many years it will be without each other again.
I don't know what exactly the future has in store for me and Ash right now. We've both had plenty of time to grow and mature in many ways, and the way we think about each other now is most likely different than how we saw each other when we were younger.
But I'm definitely not giving up hope.
Because Ash wouldn't. And he wouldn't want me to, either.