"Hey! Psst, Eragon!" The dragon rider spun around when he heard his name called, and found himself staring at the space directly above a head. He looked down to find that one of the elves responsible for guarding him had slipped into his tent and was looking up at him with an impish grin.
Or at least he assumed it was one of his guards, since she was a random elf in the Varden, and he had never really gotten to know his guards. He didn't really recognize her, but how much could a dragon rider be expected do at once?
"Hello random elf, is there anything I can help you with?" He asked, since he didn't know her name.
"Yes, actually," she replied, grinning wider (aww shoot, no! thought Eragon) "I'm not really an elf."
"Huh?"
"I'm an author insert." Just as Eragon was about to go running to the hills, considering she had appeared in his tent and all, she grabbed his arm. "Please! Just hear me out!" She begged. Without waiting for his consent she started in on her sad tale. "I'm bored!" she whined.
"Ummm…"
"So I snuck into this story as a member of your guard, which was surprisingly easy by the way, and my immediate agenda includes falling for one of your other guards (and preferably having him fall for me too), getting the green egg to hatch for me (then you could be like my mentor dragon rider!), defeating the empire (that one may be a bit of a group effort), getting Murtagh and Nasuada together (I haven't made up my mind about you and Arya), and campaigning for women's rights. But not necessarily in that order." She added hurriedly, and then smiled sweetly up at the dumbstruck rider.
"Why?" Eragon finally managed to ask.
"To change the fate of the word!" came the reply, along with a magnificent evil cackle.
There was another pause until Eragon rephrased. "Uh, I actually meant, why are you telling me all this?"
"Meh, humor." The rider wisely decided not to pursue the topic.
"One last question; who are you?"
"Hmm, I think in this world you can just call me….Sage."
"Like the plant or the wise scholar?"
"Dude!" Sage complained, "You just ruined my perfectly crafted ending!"
"You have to be kidding me! You were going to end the chapter with less than 400 words?"
"I suppose you're right," she conceded, "but maybe it would have worked for an intro. I guess I'll see you around! You know, since I'll be guarding you and all."
"About that… How do you plan on guarding me? You just arrived in this world."
"Oh pshaw! According to the story line I'm one of the top twelve elven spell casters! I may not be able to speak the ancient language…"
"You can't even speak the ancient language!" Eragon rudely interrupted, though admittedly he had cause to be distressed.
"Don't look at me like that; no one from my world can truly speak it, and even if I could, I would have to translate for those who can't. I'll just underline everything spoken in that tongue. You'll hear me as if I spoke it, and I can work magic like that too. Anyway, I'll see you later!" And with that she bounded out of the tent.
Eragon considered calling after her, but what was the point? He doubted that he could understand further explanations and, at any rate, at least it was one less mysterious elf guard.
"Ah, hello! You must be Angela the Herbalist! I've heard a great deal about you."
"I, on the other hand, have heard nothing about you!" Returned Angela cheerfully. "But you're a random elf in the Varden, so I can assume that you're one of Eragon's guards." The witch returned good naturedly, "Pleased to make your acquaintance. You're doomed!" Angela stuck out one hand for a handshake while continuing to stir a cauldron full of a thick slop that was a vibrant orange and smelled strongly of cloves.
"I am called Sage," Sage said, eyeing the cauldron, and wondering if it had anything to with her doom. She opened her mouth, and then closed it again, evidently at a loss for words. "Oh, hello Solembum!" she exclaimed as the were-cat sauntered into view. He simply stared at her. At first she gave him the same sweet smile that Eragon had received.
Thirty seconds later…
Sage's smile lessened a bit.
One minute later…
The young elf was now looking cross and tapping her toes impatiently.
A minute and a half later…
Sage left in a huff. "I didn't want my future told anyway!" She called back.
Angela raised her eyebrows and assumed a thoughtful expression. "I think you insulted her Solembum." She said mildly, as she used a butter knife to spread the orange goopy paste onto a convenient piece of toast.
I think you also did, Angela. Solembum replied with a knowing twitch of his tail. People don't like being told that they are doomed.
"Oh yeah? Well you annoyed her more!"
No, I think you did.
"Nah-uh!"
Yes you did.
"No you did!"
No it was you.
"I'm sure it was you."
And I'm sure it was you.
"Don't be ridiculous!"
Oh look; now you're talking to yourself!
"Stupid were-cat!"
Stupid witch.
"Why couldn't you have just talked to her?"
I had to be sure that she was not a Mary-Sue before I entered her mind, the were-cat sniffed. He gave a thoughtful twitch of his tail and said I still am not sure, but random elves in the Varden are almost never a good sign. We should keep an eye on her.
"But random elves in the Varden are all members of Eragon's guard! Everyone knows that! Stupid were-cat!"
Solembum gave an irritated twitch of his tail. Stupid witch! That's what humans think, it's what dwarves think, it's what even elves and dragons think! But I am a were-cat and clearly know better than all of you. Here, he gave a smug twitch of his tail. THE AUTHOR (here a random cloud zoomed over a random member of the Varden and zapped him with lighting) never properly described any of Eragon's guard, and that makes it an ideal place for Sues to spawn.
"Very nice alliteration!" Angela commented, and Solembum gave a satisfied twitch of his tail before continuing.
Thank you. We should warn Eragon if any more symptoms show up.
"Oh. Should we tell anyone now?"
No, I might be wrong, in which case it would be rude and cause unnecessary panic. For now, we just watch.
Nasuada looked curiously at the random elf standing in front of her. "Sooo, are you one of Eragon's guards or what?"
"Umm, it's an honor to finally meet Eragon's liege lord?"
Nasuada blushed for being so informal. "Oh, yeah, pleasure to meet you too, random elf. So, is there anything that I can help you with?"
"Uh, no actually. I just thought it was about time that I meet the influential people in the area, but I'm not really sure what to do now. So, umm, hi!"
"Why don't you start by introducing yourself?" the dark skinned leader of the Varden suggested.
"I'm Sage, and, as you have rightly guessed, I am one of Eragon's guards."
"Oh, okay. I don't really know what to do now."
"I think I'll just leave. It was nice meeting you."
"Right. Same."
Arya was lounging in her tent, quite possibly deep in thought, but maybe just day dreaming, when she heard a knock at the door.
"How the heck is that possible?" she asked herself, seeing as how it's nearly impossible to make such a sharp rapping noise on cloth. Once she came she came to this stellar conclusion she immediately went on guard. Mary-Sues were able to knock on tents, and there was only room for one Mary-Sue in the story: her (and any other elf, since they're practically an entire race of Mary-Sues, but whatever.)
However, when she exited the tent (through a slit in the fabric, which wasn't even really the same as a door) she found a random elf carrying a small wooden plank which she banging on with a wooden spoon.
"Why are you carrying a small wooden plank and banging on it with a spoon, random elf?" Arya interrogated. "And who are you?"
"I am Sage, one of the twelve spellcasters sent by the queen to protect Eragon," Sage responded, "And have you any idea of how hard it is to knock on a tent? They're made of fabric for goodness sake! I could yell in to you, I suppose, but that would force me to lose a lot of my mysteriousness."
"And the wooden spoon?"
"Oh, that's just to confuse people. I don't really have a hobby, so I do weird random stuff instead. Ummm, will you teach me how to duel?"
"I…yes, I guess I can." Arya was shocked into saying. It would, at any rate, give her a chance to examine the new elf more closely.
"Great! Let's start now!" And with that, Sage gracefully leapt away to the training fields. Reluctantly, Arya followed her.
"So, you need a weapon?" The slightly intimidating weapons master asked Sage.
"Yes sir! Probably should have planned ahead since I just asked Arya to teach me how to fight, and I think she expects me to already have one. So if we could do this quickly, I think that would be best. I suppose a dwarf blade would be best, since I'm guessing you don't any elven blades. I think… I think a two handed sword might be best. I can tell you right now I'm not going to be able to use a shield…"
However, after trying out various two handed swords (and demolishing most of the armory with practice swings), the two quickly found that they were too unwieldy for the small elf.
"What if I tried two swords?" Sage wondered. "I am fairly ambo… ambly… Ambi…. I can pretty much use both hands the same."
"That could work… I think in the back I have" and without even giving his poor sentence any punctuation, he rushed to the back of the armory. Retuning with only a slight shortness of breath and a barely red face he handed Sage two identical blades.
Each one was about twice as long as her forearm and about as wide at the hilt, though they tapered into a thin point at the end. The hilts felt good in her hands as well as strangely warm, and she let out a genuine smile that looked much better on her then the sweet innocent one she gave to the dragon rider and were-cat.
She grasped each one tightly in her hands and, with a wild look in her eye, spun around with them, and gave each an experimental swing. Mr. Weapon Dude ducked for cover, but with the new swords the elf possessed a new grace.
"These will do." She said. The weapons master handed her the sheaths. Connected to the long sheaths were short ones bearing long knives. "Why are these here?" Sage asked while she examined them closely. Basically they were the same as the swords but scaled down.
"I'm not really sure why," the weapon dude admitted. "Perhaps they were meant for fighting in small spaces like the dwarves' tunnels, or if the sword breaks."
"Thank you very much!" Sage told him as she belted them onto a sash she wore around her waist. Just then Arya burst in.
"Sage! You drag me over here to help you learn, but then run off and keep me waiting! That was very rude!" Arya reached over and grabbed the other elf's tunic.
"Good bye Mr. Weapons Dude! I'm sure I'll see you around, but I have to go now and get my butt kicked by Arya. I'm sorry I forgot to ask your name!" she called as she was dragged away.
"Good bye random elf! Good luck!"
Just before they started sparring Sage stopped. "I have an idea!" she exclaimed. Before Arya could even groan, she had placed a palm on each sheath and said "Please turn my sword sheaths green." Immediately, they faded from black to the same green of Sage's eyes, which was also the green of her namesake. They were laced with thin silver, as though someone had draped a spider web over them. Sage looked quite pleased with herself.
Arya, however, was not the most patient of elves, and so she decided that now was better than later to show Sage she should never take her attention away from the enemy. Silently as an owl at midnight she turned on Sage and whapped her with the flat of her blade, causing the spell weaver to fall flat on her butt.
"Are we starting now?" she asked stupidly. The two engaged in battle, and Sage discovered that elven speed and strength meant nothing when versing another elf. Two hours later (because elves don't tire as quickly as humans) she collapsed. "Unnhgh!" she moaned pathetically. "I am so incredibly sore!"
"Well, you're an elf, so you would hold your own in a battle with humans, but we have a lot of work to do. I think today we made some progress, but not too much." Arya proclaimed. "I'll meet you tomorrow at the same time to spar again Sage. Do not be late." With that Arya left the field.
"You know," Sage said to no one in particular, "I think she enjoyed beating the heck out of me." Then she also left the area.
As she was walking away a purple eyed child with a star on her forehead approached her. "Oh, hiya Elva, I'm sorry, but I don't really have time for you right now."
"What do you mean you don't have time for me?" she screeched, outraged. "You're visiting all the influential people in The Varden, aren't you? Well, I notice that you neglected to visit me! How could you? I'm very important!"
"Of course you are." Sage replied, clearly not paying very much attention. "I wonder where my tent is. Do I even have a tent? Why aren't you using your creepy powers on me?"
The witch child's eyes narrowed. "They don't work on Mary-Sues." She spat.
"Ooh, very clever! You correctly guessed that I fear being a Sue! But I'm not, at least not yet. I think. I'm too tired and sore to worry about it now. Do you know where my tent is?"
Elva made a sound sounding very much like "harrumph!" and sped walked away.
"Oh Elva no! I was going to come see you soon! After I got some rest. I wasn't visiting everyone right away; I haven't even seen Saphira yet! Uh, except when I'm guarding her and Eragon of course! 'Cuz that's my job!" At this point, Elva was already gone. "Oh well, I'm going to bed. I wonder where my tent is. Oh! I can do that thing where I read everyone's mind at once, and then see if I can find someone who knows! Why am I talking to myself? Oh, whatever." Sage searched with her mind, which she could do because, being one of Eragon's guards, she was in the top 12 for elven spell casters. Finally she found Arya. Hey Arya!
Oh, Sage it's you. Is there something that I can help you with?
Yes actually, I don't know where my tent is.
Sage, all of the elves are right next to each other.
And that area would be…?
Sage I'm an elf!
Wow Arya, that's amazing! Would you please just tell me where my tent is?
Sage, you came to visit me in my tent less than three hours ago! We walked by your tent! It was labeled with your name !
Oh yeah, I'm an elf too!
Arya mentally sighed. You were named after the plant weren't you? Not the wise scholar?
Uh, yeah. Which direction is it again?
Southwest from where you are.
Oh, okay. So, Never Eat Soggy Waffles, and the sun sets in the west, but today is cloudy… Oh! Moss grows on the north side of trees! Arya, I need to find the nearest mossy tree!
Just stay where you are Sage, I'm coming to get you.
"Sage!" Eragon exclaimed as she busted into his tent without warning, there being no convenient wooden spoons in the area. "What are you doing here?"
"Well, you're the main character, and it only seemed fitting that I end the first chapter by recapping with you!"
"Oh, so what do you have to recap?"
"Arya's teaching me to spar, and I wanna meet Saphira!"
"Anything else?"
"Not really, everyone just read everything else, so it seems kinda dumb now to recap… I guess I'll just end the chapter now…"
"Well bye then!"
"Wait! First thank everyone for reading my story and especially those who favorited, story alerted and reviewed!"
"You just did that."
"Oh, well, Bye then!"