Title: Providence (1/?)
Disclaimer: None of the characters belong to me. They belong to someone else. Duh. Except Eileen. She's mine.
Category: B/X
Summary: Somewhere in the future. Now isn't that original. Buffy is twenty-six, and she works in a boutique. I don't care.
This is my fic and I can do what I want. Willow and Oz are still together. Angel is dead . I'm not going into that. I just killed him because he
is a thorn in my side and he'll hinder story development. Haha. I am mean. Kill me now.
Part One
Scene I - Buffy, Willow and Oz are sitting in a coffeehouse place. They are talking and drinking coffee, and Xander comes in.
He sits down next to them.
Xander: This is starting to be a terrible day.
Willow: Why's that?
Xander: My landlady evicted me. Apparently her son is coming to stay with her, which means I have to scoot. Can you believe
that? This life sucks.
Buffy: (spits out her coffee) Oh my God! You know what is so cool?
All: What?
Buffy: My roommate's mother just died!
Oz: Cool.
Buffy: No, not that part. Her mother just died, and she's going to stay with her father, you know, to take care of him. (turns to
Xander) You can move in with me! It'll save me the trouble of finding another roommate.
Xander: Great idea! Thanks.
Willow: Wait. What about Irene?
Xander: What about her?
Willow: (to Xander) She is your girlfriend. Why can't you move in with her?
Buffy: Oh, he can't do that!
Xander: I can't do that!
Oz: Why not?
Xander: We've been going out for … a few weeks and I can't suddenly pack and decide to move in with her. It'll … it will … it'll
give her…
Buffy: … a false sense of commitment.
Xander: Thank you. And I don't want that. This whole thing may get her thinking about me staying with her *permanently* .
I'm not ready for that. No way. Not me.
Buffy: Imagine the awkwardness of *that* discussion.
Xander: So it's set. I'll bring my things over later.
Buffy: Sure.
= Scene II - Buffy's apartment. It's littered with Xander's boxes and stuff. He comes in and drops another box on the floor.
Buffy: Is that the last one?
Xander: That's the last one.
Buffy: I'm still wondering how we're going to fit everything in your room.
Xander: We could always leave some of the cool stuff out here.
Buffy: I've seen your cool stuff. And I don't want any of them on display.
Xander: Come on, some of these things would look great in my living room.
Buffy: Ahem.
Xander: … our living room.
Buffy: That'll do. (The doorbell rings) I'll get that.
(She opens the door and finds her friend/colleague there. She enters without waiting to be invited.)
Eileen: Hi, I was on my way , so I decided I would drop by and ask you if you were interested in joining me for … (sees Xander)
Hello.
Xander: Hi.
Eileen: I don't believe we've met. (walks over and shakes his hand) I'm
Eileen Williams, close, personal, friend of Buffy's. I'm single.
Xander: Alexander Harris. Xander to my friends. Nice to meet you.
Eileen: Did I mention I'm single?
Buffy: Yes you did.
Eileen: I wasn't talking to you.
Xander: Well, if you'll excuse me for a moment, I've got to put this boxes … away somewhere. (picks them up and walks into his
new room).
Eileen: (to Buffy, softly) Hunk-o-rama! Can I have him? Please?
Buffy: No, you may not. He's taken.
Eileen: Damn it. Can you at least share him with me?
Buffy: He's not mine to share. He has a girlfriend. Who is not me. If you want share-time you'll have to work out some kind of
agreement with her.
Eileen: Hah! If he has a girlfriend, then why is he living with you?
Buffy: Because his landlady's son is coming to live with her and he had to move out. And I'm his friend. That's what friends are
for. To do things for other friends.
Eileen: (mischievously) I'll like to do some things for him, if you get what I mean…
Buffy: Stop that this instant..
Eileen: All right, mom. You probably want to keep him for yourself, and are trying to eliminate the competition. I'm on to you,
sister.
Buffy: (laughs) Yeah, that would …
(Xander comes out again)
Xander: What are you girls talking about?
Buffy: Nothing.
Eileen: The real reason I came here was to ask Buffy if she was interested in joining me for lunch. Would you like to come?
Xander: Sure. Love to.
= Scene III - The restaurant where Buffy, Xander and Eileen are having lunch.
Eileen: … and then Buffy tells the customer, listen to this , she actually tells him …
Buffy: (through clenched teeth) I really don't think anyone wants to hear this story.
Xander: I do.
Buffy: You don't count.
Eileen: Let's ignore her. So anyway, Buffy thinks he's talking about something else, so she tells him …
Buffy: (raises her hand and waves at the waiter) Check!
Eileen: You're really spoiling the flow of the story, Buff.
Buffy: There is no story. This, is not a story. This is a relay of an embarrassing event that happened to me which I do want
repeated.
Eileen: Fine. Killjoy. (turns to Xander) I'll just tell you the whole story sometime. Maybe over dinner … (gets a kick from Buffy
under the table) … with Buffy and I … later.
Xander: That'll be great.
Buffy: Fantastic! And next time I'll tell the story about how you ran around the block naked.
Xander: (suddenly more attentive) Oh?
Buffy: It's really a funny…
Eileen: Oh, look, a dead cow.
Buffy: Where?
Eileen: On that man's plate.
Buffy: That is so sick.
= SCENE IV - Xander's new room. Buffy and Xander are admiring it.
Xander: This is so much cooler than my old room. There's so much more space.
Buffy: And so much more rent to pay.
Xander: That aside, it's great. Look, I get space for all my cool stuff. Those shelves are really useful.
Buffy: One would assume they would be. Hey, look. (walks over to a picture on the table) It's a picture of us. At the lake. At the
picnic. I have the exact picture framed on my table , too.
Xander: No kidding?
Buffy: Yeah. It's on my table , in my room. You can go over and see it if you don't believe me.
Xander: Is that a ploy to get me in you room so you can bed me?
Buffy: No. If I wanted to bed you I could do it right here.
Xander: Nah, you couldn't.
Buffy: I could too.
Xander: Prove it.
Buffy: (pauses for a moment, then laughs) You nearly got me there, Lavelle.
Xander: Hey!
Buffy: Lavelle, Lavelle, Lavelle.
Xander: This stopped being funny eight seconds ago.
Buffy: I never intended it to be funny. (glances at the clock) Well, it's getting late. Good night. Have fun in your new bed. And I
mean that metaphorically. I don't want you having … real fun in your bed… because that would be too odd and disgusting.
Xander: As if I'd ever get the chance.
Buffy: (laughs) Good night.
= SCENE V - "Le Boutique" , the fashion store where Buffy works as a salesperson.
Eileen: So, have you ever done it with him?
Buffy: (stares at her wide-eyed) NO.
Eileen: Are you sure?
Buffy: I think I would be aware if I were sleeping with Xander.
Eileen: Well, if you haven't, you have a pretty good chance now.
Buffy: What is that supposed to mean?
Eileen: I mean, look at the whole scenario. Hunky man and a beautiful sexy woman living together under the same roof. And
neither are gay. Sooner or later something's going to happen.
Buffy: Nothing's going to happen.
Eileen: Don't tell me you've never even thought about it.
Buffy: (instantly) Never.
Eileen: Not even once?
Buffy: (pauses) Well, maybe once. And you so cannot tell him I said that.
Eileen: (interested) Oooh… tell me more.
Buffy: It wasn't really a thought. It was more like a dream.
Eileen: (giggling) Was it a … sexy dream?
Buffy: I'm not telling you another word. You've poked in my business enough for one day.
Eileen: I bet it was a really sexy dream. I wonder what he looks like with his shirt off. I bet he looks really hot…
Buffy: (interrupts) He is my friend. He is my roommate. You just can't butt into my life and … and … fill my head with … bad,
bad mental images which I'll probably never get rid of now, thanks to you.
Eileen: I bet they're sexy mental images, aren't they.
Buffy: (covers her ears) La la la la la … not listening to you
Eileen: I bet he has mental images about you too.
Buffy: (uncovers ears) You think so?
Eileen: I thought you weren't listening to me.
Buffy: I'm not. I just happened to read your lips.
Eileen: Why do you bother about what … (clears her throat) images … he has of you anyway? It's not like you should care.
After all, he is your friend. He is your roommate.
Buffy: I don't care. I was just curious.
Eileen: I believe you.
Buffy: No , you don't.
Eileen: Come on, Buffy, it's absurd. He's an extremely attractive man, and you're an extremely attractive woman. You've known
each other for ten years. Don't tell me nothing happened during those ten years. I don't buy it. Something must have happened
during one of those 3,650 days.
Buffy: I don't care if you don't buy it. And for your information, something did happen.
Eileen: What?
Buffy: He… he asked me out once, but I said no.
Eileen: You did what?
Buffy: I didn't feel … I didn't feel anything for him … not in that way. I valued …
Eileen: … your friendship more , yada, yada, yada. How many times have I seen that on television?
Buffy: Well, excuse me. I don't recall *you* being around to offer me advice.
Eileen: You felt something for Xander but you were too afraid to act on it.
Buffy: You don't know what I was feeling when I was sixteen. You didn't even know me.
Eileen: Ah, but I know you now.
Buffy: That hardly gives you a reason to claim to knew me then. And why am I even having this conversation with you?
Eileen: Because you want to. You can only blame yourself.
Buffy: Well consider this conversation over. Your obsession with Xander is getting frightening.
Eileen: But he's so beautiful …
Buffy: Enough.
Eileen: (ignoring Buffy) But he has a girlfriend. Wouldn't it be unfortunate if she had a slight … accident?
Buffy: You scare me.
Eileen: If you help me, I'll let you have him Tuesday nights.
Buffy: I don't want him Tuesday nights.
Eileen: Would Wednesday be better?
Buffy: I don't want him any night at all. But thank you for offering.
Eileen: That's right. Not when you can have him every night … now.
Buffy: I'm not going to have Xander tonight, or any other night. Can we
please drop the subject?
Eileen: No. I want to talk more about Xander. Have you ever seen him na…
Buffy: Please don't finish that sentence.
Eileen: Why not?
Buffy: Because it's going to take me to scary visual place.
Eileen: I wish I could see him n…
Buffy: (covers ears again and starts singing) Old McDonald had a farm ….
Eileen: You really need a life.
Buffy: You really need to wash your mind with bleach. It's getting filthier each day. And not to mention your mouth.
Eileen: (sighs) That's what everybody says.
Buffy: Maybe you should listen to them.
Eileen: (looks at the clock) Lunch break. Let's flee while we can.
Buffy: Agreed.
PART TWO
Scene I - Buffy and Eileen are having lunch.
Eileen: Who do you think is sexier ; Xander or Alec Johnson?
Buffy: Alec Johnson? The counter guy from Baskin Robbins?
Eileen: The one and only.
Buffy: Alec Johnson? Come on, that guy is like a total freak. He's all muscles and no brains. And I think something lives in his
facial hair.
Eileen: So you admit it. You do find Xander sexy.
Buffy: I never said I didn't. And only in comparison to Alec Johnson. Can we please talk about something else now? That guy
totally creeps me out.
Eileen: So, if you were trapped on an island with Xander … and there was no other human being for miles… are you saying you
wouldn't do anything?
Buffy: Do you spend all your free time thinking up questions like this?
Eileen: Yes. Sadly.
Buffy: I intend to have a nice, quiet lunch. I am hungry, and I am tired, and I have no intention of telling you what I would 'do'
to Xander on a
deserted island.
Eileen: So you would do something to Xander.
Buffy: God, I would hate to be trapped on an island with *you* .
Eileen: But you wouldn't mind being trapped on the island with Xander? I sure as hell wouldn't mind one bit. Imagine … me and
Xander on the beach … the sun beating down on our hot, steamy, sweaty bodies … the island where clothing is purely
optional…
Buffy: I've suddenly lost all will to eat.
Eileen: Wait, I haven't finished yet. We'll spend each hot day and cooling night entwined in each other , where every moment is
passionate, sensual and …
Buffy: (warningly) Scary visual place! Scary visual place!
Eileen: Recent surveys have shown that an appropriate amount of sexual fantasies increases your life span.
Buffy: The key word here being 'appropriate'. Not every single breathing moment. And I don't trust any survey coming from
Playgirl.
Eileen: I didn't say it was from Playgirl.
Buffy: That's the only thing you read, isn't it.
Eileen: Quite true.
Buffy: You're a very, very bad girl, who'll have a lot to say at confession next week.
Eileen: Okay. Let's say Xander is …
Buffy: Every sentence that comes out from your mouth has Xander in it. Xander here, Xander there, Xander everywhere. Why
don't you just chain yourself to him so you'll never let him out of your sight?
Eileen: What a lovely mental image you've just given me.
Buffy: Never mind. Forget I even said it. We'd better get back to work. As joyless as that may sound.
SCENE II - Buffy/Xander's apartment … later that night. Buffy is sitting down and reading the newspaper when the doorbell rings.
She answers the door and it is Eileen.
Buffy: Hi.
Eileen: Hi. (steps in and looks around the apartment eagerly)
Buffy: Well?
Eileen: Well what? (still looking around the apartment for something)
Buffy: (sweetly sarcastic) Looking for something?
Eileen: Eh… (eyes darting across the room) Yes… as a matter of fact, I was looking for … (her eyes rest on a magazine. She
picks it up) This magazine. Can I borrow it?
Buffy: (disbelieving)'Time'?
Eileen: I was always keen on current issues.
Buffy: Xander's taking a shower.
Eileen: Oh, damn it. (puts the magazine down) I'll come back in half an
hour.
(Buffy laughs. As Eileen turns to go, the bathroom door opens and Xander steps out, wearing nothing but a towel wrapped
around his waist.)
Xander: Hi girls. (he waves and enters his room and closes the door)
Eileen: Oh. My. God. (turns to Buffy) You were looking ! You were looking!
Buffy: (defensively) I was not!
Eileen: Yes, you were. I saw you.
Buffy: Well, it's common among *people* to look at one another when they talk.
Eileen: Oh, his face was the last thing you were looking at.
Buffy: That is so not true.
Eileen: You were looking. And you were staring.
Buffy: All right. So what if I were? I've never seen a half-naked man for ages, so *excuse* me if I indulge once in a while.
Eileen: I like that word. Indulge.
Buffy: Oh, shut up.
Eileen: I bet you weren't having the purest of thoughts back then, now were you.
Buffy: My thoughts, pure or not, are none of your business. And neither is my roommate.
(Xander comes out. Fully dressed, of course.)
Eileen: (sweetly) Hi, Xander.
Xander: Hi.
Eileen: I was just telling Buffy, that you can save a lot of money on your water bills, if several people took showers together at
the same time. Maybe you and Buffy should try it.
Xander: (turns red) Well, I don't think we're that hard up on cash.
Buffy: (to Eileen) You. Out of my house. Now.
Eileen: (laughs) Fine. Give a little economic-friendly advice and I get
tossed out. This society sickens me. (turns and leaves)
Buffy: (to Xander) You have to excuse her. She's like this all the time.
Xander: Actually, I thought it was a pretty good idea. (Buffy glares at him) I was kidding.
Buffy: Eileen has a problem. With her mind. The problem being it's filthy. You know how that is.
Xander: What's that supposed to mean?
Buffy: Nothing.
Xander: Are you trying to imply something?
Buffy: No.
Xander: Well, it seemed very much like it.
Buffy: (changes the topic) I heard there's a pretty good movie on cable
tonight.
Xander: I got the popcorn.
SCENE III - Buffy and Xander are watching the credits of the movie. Buffy is resting her head on Xander's shoulder.
Buffy: That … wasn't so bad.
Xander: I don't know which part I liked better. The one with the divorce or the one where Aunt Esther gets mowed down by a
runaway tractor.
Buffy: That was pretty sad.
Xander: Much.
Buffy: I thought it was sweet when Alex proposed to Bethany.
Xander: Wasn't she his best friend?
Buffy: Yeah.
Xander: Oh.
Buffy: So, you're going out with Irene tomorrow?
Xander: Yeah. I'm taking her out for dinner. Do you want to come?
Buffy: What type of question is that? Oh, sure, I'll just tag along on your date and watch and listen while you two make out.
Xander: I was just being polite.
Buffy: Oh. In that case, no thank you. I'll be perfectly fine with my TV-dinner. Or maybe I'll cook something. Or defrost it.
Whichever takes less work.
Xander: (looks at his watch) It's nearly one a.m.
Buffy: The movie was that long?
Xander: It must have been.
Buffy: Well, it's off to bed for me.
Xander: I'll join you. (Buffy gives him a funny look) I meant… I'll join you in that idea. In my own bed.
Buffy: (laughs) Had my hopes up there for a minute.
Xander: Sorry to disappoint you then. (they both head off in towards their own rooms)
SCENE IV - Buffy's room. It is the next day.
Xander: Wake up, sweetie pie.
Buffy: Huh? (rubs her eyes groggily) What are you doing here? What time is it?
Xander: It's time for breakfast. Come on, get up.
Buffy: There have to be laws about forcefully waking people up.
Xander: Too bad, there aren't any. It's ten-thirty on a beautiful, Sunday morning. Don't you want to get up and breathe the
fresh, Sunday air?
Buffy: I would like to breathe the fresh, Sunday air in my bed, thank you.
Xander: I made us breakfast. Come on.
Buffy: (reluctantly gets up) I hate you. (follows Xander to the kitchen
where she is greeted with the smell of freshly-made pancakes…) Oh. That
smells nice.
Xander: Aren't you glad you woke up?
(Buffy sits down as Xander serves her some pancakes. He puts some on his own plate before sitting down)
Buffy: I didn't know you knew how to make pancakes.
Xander: There's a lot about you don't know.
Buffy: Like what?
Xander: Well, for one thing, I can make pancakes.
Buffy: (taking a bite) Hmm. Yummy. I wish I could cook like this. One day you'll have to teach me.
Xander: Only if you behave.
Buffy: (eating some more) Now, I actually like having you around.
Xander: Are you saying you never liked having me around before? I'm hurt.
Buffy: (laughs) I'm sorry. I'm not very nice this early in the morning.
Xander: You're not that bad. Aside from the hair.
Buffy: (immediately pats her hair with her hand) Well, I didn't have time to freshen up after being dragged out from bed at this
ungodly hour.
Xander: It's ten-thirty.
Buffy: It's ungodly to me.
Xander: So, roomie, what do you want to do today?
Buffy: I was thinking of crawling back into bed again.
Xander: You can't do that! It's Sunday. You're supposed to be doing all
sorts of fun things with your friends. And since I'm you friend, I'm going to make sure you do.
Buffy: Are you like this every Sunday? Because if you are, I'm going to kick you out.
Xander: I already called Willow and Oz. We're meeting them for lunch.
Buffy: Do we have to?
SCENE V - Having lunch with Willow and Oz. Joyous!
Willow: So, how's this whole roommate thing working out between you two?
Xander: Great. Couldn't be better.
Buffy: (droning) If this were last Sunday, I would still be in bed …
Xander: … wasting precious time doing nothing but sleep. It's like I've
given you … a gift. Of time.
Buffy: That's great. That really is. Thank you.
Willow: Notice how we hardly ever do stuff together anymore?
Oz: Stuff like what?
Willow: Fun stuff. With our friends.
Buffy: I'm happy without fun.
Xander: (to Willow and Oz) You have to forgive her. She's still a bit upset over the whole "I-don't-get-to-sleep" bit. It'll pass.
Buffy: Oh, it'll pass all right.
Xander: You see!
Oz: We should do this every week.
Buffy: Over Xander's dead body.
Xander: Hey!
Willow: The fun never stops with you two. (turns to Buffy and Xander) Any cool roommate stories? I saw this show on cable
yesterday, and it was a
story about roommates.
Xander: This wasn't the one with the runaway tractor, now was it?
Willow: No. I don't think so. But there was a train.
Buffy: Ah.
Xander: Well, now that you mention it, we do have a cool roommate story to share.
Buffy: We do?
Xander: Yeah, of course we do. Remember last night? (turns to Willow and Oz) Buffy and I were watching a movie last night.
Oz: … and?
Xander: That's basically it. And Aunt Esther got mowed down by a tractor.
Oz: Who's Aunt Esther?
Buffy: And what a cool roommate story that was. I'll go watch some grass grow now.
Xander: Excuse me for trying to conduct a conversation, Buffy "Wrong Side Of The Bed" Summers.
Buffy: Well, it just so happens that I was *forced* to the wrong side of the bed. If you had let me sleep like I wanted to, I could
have gotten up at a more appropriate time, and thus, get up on the right side of the bed.
Xander: *Some* people like to have productive days.
Buffy: I am not *some* people. I am me.
Xander: I try to do a good deed …
Oz: This is getting good.
Buffy: And I appreciate you dragging me out of bed …
Willow: (whispering to Oz) Oh, dear it's starting already.
Oz: (whispering back)What's starting?
Willow: Their getting on each other's nerves. I knew this was bound to happen. Live with someone and you'll see all the
negative attributes you never thought they had.
Oz: We've been living together and we never argue. A lot.
Willow: That's because we have an understanding. *We* are in love. (motions to Buffy and Xander, who are still arguing)
They, on the other hand … hmmm…
Oz: What are you thinking about?
Willow: Nothing.
Buffy: … so blame everything on me, is that it? Buffy's always wrong.
Xander: Well you can't be always right.
Buffy: Funny, because you always think you are.
Willow: I think now's the time to ask for the check.
SCENE VI - Buffy/Xander's apartment. Several hours after lunch. They haven't been speaking to each other.
Xander: I'm sorry.
Buffy: About what?
Xander: Waking you up. I didn't know you would be so upset about it. I should have been more considerate.
Buffy: Oh, forget about it. I was thinking about it and I realised I was being really childish and stupid. All you wanted to do was
help.
Xander: I'm forgiven?
Buffy: There's nothing to forgive. I just hope you'll forgive me for kicking into bitch mode at the restaurant earlier on. God, I
was so mean.
Xander: Yes, you were.
Buffy: I think that was where you say something like "it doesn't matter".
Xander: It doesn't matter.
Buffy: Thank you. Peace?
Xander: Peace.
(They both reach out and hug each other. For a very long time. After a while they pull back and look at each other. For a very long time.
Their faces inch towards each other for a kiss when … the telephone rings. They pull apart sheepishly. Xander answers the telephone.)
Xander: Yeah? (listens to the other end) Oh, God. I'll be right over.
PART THREE
Scene I –
Buffy sits and stares at the blank wall, wondering what to do. She is thinking about Xander and *that* moment, when the doorbell rang.
Buffy: (opening door and seeing someone there) Oh, hello.
Irene: Hi. Is Alexander in?
Buffy: Who?
Irene: Alexander Harris.
Buffy: Oh! *Xander* . I'm so sorry , I have a lot of things on my mind. I'm really not this stupid.
Irene: I'm Irene Tresses. Alexander was supposed to meet me for dinner over an hour ago and he didn't show up. He's not one to miss dates
without calling, so I got worried, and he gave me this address …
Buffy: Xander's fine. They called him back a few hours ago … some workplace emergency. Exploding Big Mac's … or something… he really
didn't go into detail - he was in such a hurry to leave.
Irene: He could have at least called me.
Buffy: I'm sure he meant to. The emergency probably distracted him.
Irene: (nods) You must be his roommate.
Buffy: Buffy Summers.
Irene: You know, this may sound really stupid, but I always imagined you were a … guy.
Buffy: Oh, that's totally understandable. There are a lot of men named Buffy.
Irene: No, the thing is, Alexander never referred to you as Buffy. He always called you "Buff", so I assumed it was some macho
man-guy-nickname thing. You know how men are.
Buffy: Heh. I'm sure he must have slipped in a 'she' or a 'her' somewhere with my name.
Irene: I don't know. Maybe I wasn't paying enough attention.
Buffy: (lying) He always talks about you, you know.
Irene: Really?
Buffy: Sure.
Irene: Wow. He's such a great guy.
Buffy: I know.
Irene: Did he say when he would be coming back?
Buffy: No, unfortunately. Sorry.
Irene: That's all right. I was really looking forward to tonight, that's all.
Buffy: He didn't mean …
Irene: I know. I understand. Well, I leave you alone now. Thanks for … well, whatever. (smiles) It was really nice meeting you. Maybe the three
of us can get together some time.
Buffy: (lying. Again) Sure. Love to.
Irene: So, I'll catch you later. Bye.
[Many hours later …]
(Xander comes in)
Buffy: Glad you decided to come back.
Xander: The Big Macs exploded.
Buffy: Ooooh.
Xander: Some idiot prankster put an explosive in the patty storage, and the place was a mess. We had to spend hours cleaning it up and
explaining everything to the customers.
Buffy: It is your sacred duty as the Sunnydale McDonald's Restaurant Manager. One man in all the world.
Xander: Your humour sucks.
Buffy: Hmph. Well, on a more fun, bright, note, I met your girlfriend.
Xander: Irene?
Buffy: No, your other girlfriend.
Xander: My God, I totally forgot about our date! She's going to kill me.
Buffy: She seemed pretty calm when she came here.
Xander: She came here?! She must be pretty mad.
Buffy: No, she wasn't.
Xander: Oh, I'm going to have to do a lot of begging and grovelling to make up for this one.
Buffy: Well, I explained things for you pretty well, I think. I'm like the relationship-patcher-person.
Xander: You talked to her? Oh God.
Buffy: What?!
Xander: Nothing. I just get worried when my friends talk to my girlfriend unsupervised.
Buffy: Relax. If anything, I actually made your relationship better. And now I am wondering why I did that.
Xander: Well, thank you anyway. So, did you like her?
Buffy: Erm … she seemed okay. We didn't talk for long. But I bet she could be a real bitch.
Xander: Buffy!
Buffy: Well, it's just that I have this feeling that I should hate all your girlfriends, but I don't hate Irene and it really bugs me out.
Xander: Ah. (gets up) I'd better call Irene. And beg. And grovel.
SCENE II - Restaurant. The next evening. Xander and Irene are having dinner.
Xander: I'm still really sorry I forgot to call you.
Irene: I forgive you.
Xander: That's great. (smiles)
Irene: I met your roommate.
Xander: So she told me.
Irene: You didn't tell me she was a girl.
Xander: I didn't? I thought I did.
Irene: She's very pretty.
Xander: (dreamily) Yeah…
Irene: Xander!
Xander: (panics) … but I mean… uh … no more prettier than you.
Irene: Are you sleeping with her?
Xander: What?
Irene: You heard me. Don't tell me you didn't do anything. You and a beautiful woman under the same roof. God knows what's going on behind
closed doors.
Xander: I am not sleeping with Buffy.
Irene: But you would like to, wouldn't you.
Xander: That's not a nice question to ask.
Irene: Notice how you're not answering.
Xander: I can't believe you don't trust me.
Irene: (pauses) I trust you. I just don't trust that … that … she doesn't look very … chaste …
Xander: Buffy's very chaste. In some ways.
Irene: Look. Forget I even said anything okay? It's just that I get very jealous when it comes to you.
Xander: Buffy and I are not doing anything (thinks about the night before the telephone call) . I swear.
Irene: All right.
SCENE III - Meanwhile, Buffy and Eileen are spending time in Buff's apartment. They are pigging out eating ice-cream.
Eileen: I had the weirdest dream last night. And it was so cool.
Buffy: Was it about Xander? Because if it is, I don't want to hear it.
Eileen: Well, he was in it, but so was Brad Pitt. And Dermot Mulroney. And Tom Cruise. And Paul Rudd.
Buffy: Is this another variation of your orgy dream?
Eileen: Oh, sure, take the fun out of it.
Buffy: Your dreams are so repetitive.
Eileen: New topic! You met his girlfriend last night? What was she like? Was there a cat fight?
Buffy: Why would there be a cat fight?
Eileen: Because you're both fighting for the same man?
Buffy: I'm not fighting for Xander.
Eileen: Sure …
Buffy: (ignores her) Okay, she was really nice, and I think she likes me.
Eileen: And you would care whether she likes you … why?
Buffy: It's important to have people liking you, Eileen. You probably don't know what I'm talking about.
Eileen: You are rude.
Buffy: But she has this annoying habit. (imitating Irene) "Is Alexander in?" "Why didn't Alexander call me?" What is this, elementary
school? Doesn't she know that it's all right to call him Xander?
Eileen: Oh! Can you imagine … "Take me now, Alexander!" (giggles)
Buffy: I think I'm going to apply for a permanent passport to "Scary Visual Place". Thank you.
Eileen: I want to live in scary visual place. Especially if it's littered with pictures of naked Xander.
Buffy: You're really grossing me out.
Eileen: This whole "I'm-not-attracted-to-Xander" charade really isn't fooling anyone. You're actually enjoying all this sex talk involving Xander.
Buffy: I refuse to dignify that with an appropriate response.
Eileen: All right. Oh, do I have a story for you. It's actually quite funny.
Buffy: Go on.
Eileen: Okay, so there's this guy, who thinks his wife isn't in love with him anymore because he isn't good in bed. So he goes to this shop
and …
Buffy: Wait. Is this one of your sick, perverted jokes? Because if it is I don't want to hear it.
Eileen: Aw dammit. Let's talk about Xander. You know you want to.
Buffy: (sighs) I guess I really don't have a choice, now do I.
Eileen: No , you don't. Oh! Oh! What was your Xander dream like?
Buffy: You're the last person I'm telling.
Eileen: Naughty dream.
Buffy: I … I was drunk that night … and very, very depressed …
Eileen: Oh, sure you were.
Buffy: I don't have to take this from you.
Eileen: You two are perfect for each other. Tell me again why you didn't hook up?
Buffy: Because it would never work out.
Eileen: Now , how why would you say that? You'll never know until you try. You know, he is like ice-cream. You have to try him before you
decide whether you like it or not. You've got to taste him, gently … he is the ice-cream you have to lick sensually … savouring each , refreshing
moment … feel him all over our mouth … all over…
Buffy: Stop it! I am not "trying" Xander or licking him or whatever sick fantasies you have in mind.
Eileen: You are a wet blanket.
Buffy: You are a dirty minded tramp.
Eileen: True. Do you think Xander likes the… pure, virginal woman more, or the dirty, sultry, sexy vixen. Because I could be pure and virginal.
Buffy: Xander likes anything with breasts and a pair of legs.
Eileen: Chickens?
Buffy: He likes *anybody* with breasts and a pair of legs.
Eileen: Oh, wait. You fit that description!
Buffy: I knew you would twist that around someway.
Eileen: I mean , look at you. You have beautiful, sexy legs, and an ample bosom. Which man wouldn't want you?
Buffy: That's comforting.
Eileen: And look at Xander. Broad shoulders, sexy eyes, dreamy smile, rock hard abs, a body so delicious you could just …
Buffy: (warningly) EH!
Eileen: (sniffs) Your children are going to be beautiful. Please name one after me. There *must* be an Eileen Harris in this world, even though
it is sad that it will never be me.
Buffy: I'm going to slap you now.
PART FOUR
Scene I - Buffy's apartment. The place is littered with beer cans and bottles. Apparently Eileen and Buffy have been having too much fun.
They're both in the living room, drunk.
Buffy: (giggling) … and then, Xander takes of all his clothes and says "Use me in anyway you want to."
Eileen: (laughs crazily) And then what happens?
Buffy: (giggles again before emptying another beer can) I do. On the kitchen table, on the living room floor and on the couch.
Eileen: (crumples her empty can and throws it against the wall) You have the coolest dream. EVER!
Buffy: I know. .. And pine trees are … (hiccups) … purple in the winter.
Eileen: No they're not. They're … pink. A pastel pink. Magenta pink. With a dash of black pepper. None on my steak, thank you… (giggles)
Buffy: (laughs and reaches for another can) I saw Xander in his speedos once.
Eileen: Unfair!
Buffy: Burgundy. A lovely burgundy. Oh, he has a beautiful body. So hard, and yet so tender.
Eileen: (burps) How would you know?
Buffy: I have a very… (hiccups) … good … imagination. (giggles and laughs)
Eileen: Ahhh … a good imagination is the mother of invention. Or is that necessity?
Buffy: Who is Necessity?
Eileen: Invention's mother.
Buffy: (pretends to understand) Oh…
Eileen: Who names their children "Invention" , anyway?
Buffy: Who names their children "Buffy"? (laughs loudly)
Eileen: Buffy is a … cool … name… (slumps against the couch). I wish my mother … had named me Esmerelda Amethyst.
(The sound of keys and the door unlocking is heard. Xander steps in and his horrified to see the mess)
Xander: What…
Eileen: Daddy's back! (giggles and struggles to get up. She falls, but succeeds on the second try. She stumbles to the door) Bye.
Xander: You can't drive home in that condition.
Eileen: I'm not driving … home … because car, I do not have. (starts singing off key) But you've got a fast car, I've got a ticket to anywhere …
maybe we can make a deallllll…..
Xander: When you start singing Tracy Chapman songs, it's time for me to give you a lift. (turns to Buffy) You. Stay here and stop drinking.
Buffy: All right, my hard-bodied hunk of man, you.
(Xander raises an eyebrow and guides Eileen out of the door)
A SHORT WHILE LATER
(Xander comes back in. Buffy is , remarkably still conscious. He looks around at all the beer cans and starts picking them up)
Xander: You didn't drink all of this, did you?
Buffy: You're looking very sexy tonight …. (purrs)
Xander: Apparently you did. (picks up some more cans)
Buffy: Xander? Could you do me a … tiny favour?
Xander: (looks at her) Sure. What?
Buffy: (giggles uncontrollably for a few seconds.) Take of all your clothes and let me use you in anyway I want.
Xander: (stunned) What?
Buffy: You heard me, lover boy. (growls seductively at him) Rrrrr … get over here.
Xander: (gets up) OK! It's bedtime for you.
Buffy: It's like you've read my mind.
Xander: (helps her up. Buffy leans against his shoulder for support) You've had way too much to drink. Off to bed now.
Buffy: Are you joining me?
Xander: Tempting, but … no.
(Xander and Buffy enter Buffy's bedroom. He helps her unto her bed. He turns to go.)
Buffy: Stay with me for a while.
Xander: I …
Buffy: Please?
(Xander sighs when he realises that he cannot say no to Buffy. He lies down beside her. Buffy snuggles up to him and puts her head on his
chest. She falls asleep in an instant. Xander realises that he cannot get up without waking her … and he too falls asleep)
THE NEXT MORNING
(Buffy awakes and finds an already awake Xander beside her.)
Xander: Hey there.
Buffy: I have a terrible headache. I can't even remember what I did last night.
Xander: (realises potential for some fun) Well, you were great last night, honey.
Buffy: (stupidly)Great at what?
Xander: (hugs her tightly) Don't be so shy. You weren't so shy last night.
Buffy: (eyes open wide in shock and terror) OH MY GOD.
Xander: It wasn't *that* bad. (winks at her)
Buffy: (slowly)Did we do what I think we did?
Xander: (nods) Six times.
Buffy: (gets up quickly) This is bad. I knew alcohol was a bad idea. Oh, God, and I have a splitting headache. This is bad. This is bad.
This is bad.
Xander: Can you stop saying that?
Buffy: (gasps) What if I'm pregnant?
Xander: You're not.
Buffy: How would you know?
Xander: (pauses) Because we didn't do anything.
Buffy: You said we did. Six times.
Xander: (laughs) I was just fooling with you. Pretty cool joke, eh.
Buffy: (sighs in relief) Well, that's a relief. (her eyebrows arch suddenly) That was a VERY bad thing to do! I could have gotten a heart attack.
Xander: No, you wouldn't. You should have seen your eyes bulge just now.
Buffy: (grabs a pillow and hits Xander hard) You are a wicked, wicked man.
Xander: Hey, you should be thankful nothing embarrassing happened.
Buffy: (stops) Nothing embarrassing *did* happen, right?
Xander: (remembering) Oh, well, there were one or two incidents. I forget.
Buffy: (slowly) What … did … I do?
Xander: Nothing much. You just asked me to take off my clothes and let you use me. I thought it was pretty funny.
(Buffy covers her mouth when she realises that was what she dreamt about. She realises that she is turning red so she dashes off to the
bathroom.)
Xander: Hmm.
SCENE II - Later that day. In the apartment again.
Eileen: (coming in) I had the suckiest headache. Thank God for aspirin.
(turns to Buffy)This is all your fault.
Buffy: Why me?
Eileen: I believe someone said "Why, let's have some beer! So what if we get drunk?".
Buffy: I think that was you.
Eileen: (stops and thinks for a while) Indeed it was. But you should have stopped me. (turns to Xander) Thanks for giving me a ride back home
last night. Really appreciate it. If there's *anything* (flutters her eyelashes) I can do for you, ahem, *anything* at all…
Xander: (laughs)That won't be necessary.
Eileen: Damn it.
Buffy: (looks at the clock) Eh! Oh no!
Eileen: (with feigned terror) Egads, it's a clock!
Buffy: Yes, thank you for pointing it out. I was supposed to meet my mother half an hour ago. She's probably telling everybody around her
how irresponsible I am. I have to go. (grabs her handbag and coat and heads out the door without bothering to say anything else)
Eileen: How rude.
Xander: Indeed.
Eileen: Oh, looky! It's just you and me.
Xander: Delightful. (sits down on the couch)
Eileen: (sits down next to him) So, tell me, what's up with you and Buffy?
Xander: Nothing's up. Why?
Eileen: OK, none of that whole "nothing's-up" deal. I have enough of that with Buffy.
Xander: (seriously confused)What are you talking about?
Eileen: You like her, don't you. Really, really, really … like her.
Xander: (gets nervous and looks away) I don't know what you're talking about. You're practically speaking in tongues.
Eileen: Love is a language the deaf can hear and the blind can see.
Xander: Huh?
Eileen: Never mind. (pushes his shoulder lightly) You don't have to be a rocket scientist to see what's going on between you two. The stolen
glances, the looks of pure passion and love, the accidental touches that simmer with the sizzling zest of unrequited love and admiration …
Xander: You lost me after "never mind".
Eileen: I've been reading too many Danielle Steel books. But you do know what I'm talking about, don't you?
Xander: Roughly.
Eileen: And what I'm saying is true, isn't it?
Xander: (hesitant) Yes. (turns to her) And you cannot breathe a word to Buffy.
Eileen: Why not?
Xander: Because… it'll … spoil the whole friendship thing we have going , and then I'll have to move out and I don't have anywhere else to go.
And I don't handle rejection very well.
Eileen: What makes you so sure you'll get rejected?
Xander: She doesn't feel the same way about me.
Eileen: How do you know that?
Xander: I asked her. And she told me.
Eileen: When.
Xander: When … we were … sixteen.
Eileen: Living in the past, much? That was ten years ago. Feelings change. People change.
Xander: I don't think… if … she still feels the same… I'll look like a total fool. I'll never be able to speak with her again.
Eileen: She likes you. And I mean, she really does. She's scared of the same things you are. You'll never know if you never try. And if you don't
try, you'll be sitting on your front porch when you're eighty years old thinking about the greatest love you never had.
Xander: Why are you so keen on this anyway?
Eileen: I'm a sucker for happy endings. I know a good match when I see one. And I'm seeing one right now. It's fate. It's providence. You two
are bound to be together. Call me psychic, call me a psycho, but I can tell.
Xander: I wish it were that easy… and … and … I'm seeing someone else right now.
Eileen: If you stay on with what's-her-name while you still have a thing for Buffy, you're not being fair to yourself, you're not being fair to her,
and you're not being fair to Buffy.
Xander: You seem to have this figured out from every possible angle. Is it true that you have no life?
Eileen: I live vicariously through others. (gets up) Go on. Tell her. Because I'm pretty sick of watching you two skirt around the love zone and
not do anything. And to think it's been going on for more than ten years. If I don't see you two together soon, I swear I'm going to take you for
myself. I'm giving that girl way too many chances.
Xander: (laughs) Thank you.
Eileen: No problem. Just reserve me a place as Maid of Honour. And as godmother.
PART V
SCENE : Sometime later. Buffy & Xander's apartment.
Buffy: (coming in) Can you believe it, I actually have to patrol tonight.
Xander: Why?
Buffy: I dunno. Maybe it's because I'm the Slayer.
Xander: You haven't been patrolling for ages.
Buffy: I know. But Giles says just because there haven't been any vampire attacks or sightings in the last week doesn't mean we don't have to
take precautions. And he said something else about responsibilities and sacred duties, but I toned off after the first five minutes.
Xander: I can't believe he still does that whole Watcher act.
Buffy: He's in denial.
Xander: Can I come?
Buffy: To patrol?
Xander: I believe that's what the kids call it nowadays.
Buffy: Why? There won't be any action. There hasn't been for a long time now. I think I actually did it. I actually got rid of all the vampires. It
took me ten , long, years, but I finally did it.
Xander: I still want to come.
Buffy: Why?
Xander: I want to.
Buffy: Why?
Xander: (kicks into lousy excuse mode) I just realised that we haven't been spending time together lately, and I thought this would be a good
way to … get close again.
Buffy: We live together. I see you before I sleep. I see you *after* I wake up. And on some occasions, I see you *when* I wake up. The only
time I don't see you is when I'm working. I think we've pretty much spent all our time together.
Xander: Look, it's just that … I have something important I want to tell you.
Buffy: In a graveyard?
Xander: Well …
Buffy: Why don't you tell me now?
Xander: I'm not ready. I need more time to plan… or I'll end up looking like a fool.
Buffy: (totally clueless about what he's talking about) Sounds major…
Xander: It is.
Buffy: Wait - aren't you going to watch that late night movie with Irene tonight?
Xander: Chick flick. I don't really want to go.
Buffy: Maybe it's a nice chick flick.
Xander: I'll call her to cancel.
Buffy: Are you sure? I think a chick flick's way more entertaining then a graveyard.
Xander: It's a mother-daughter bonding film. I am neither a mother, nor a daughter, so I bear no interest in it at all.
Buffy: All right, I get the idea. (goes into her room)
SCENE: Later that night … in the graveyard. It is boring.
Buffy: … and so, instead of wearing a beige blouse with my peach skirt, I opted for a more vibrant approach , so I picked the soft orange.
Xander: You're boring.
Buffy: Well , that's because we ran out of topics an hour ago. Oh, didn't you want to tell me something?
Xander: Yes. (says nothing)
Buffy: (waits for a while) Well?
Xander: Um … I … err…
Buffy: Any day now, Xand.
Xander: Well … I …. You know how … you … meet somebody and … you know… that … err… she's well … special …
Buffy: Of course.
Xander: Please don't interrupt me.
Buffy: (looks surprised) All right, Mr. talkative.
Xander: It's just that … you're distracting me and… I can't get the message out clearly.
Buffy: Okay.
Xander: I was saying … that … this person … the special person … I … the one person that keeps you going … the one somebody you …
know that … you know that she's the right one for you … and you're supposed … to spend all your life with her.
Buffy: (covers her mouth) Oh my God.
Xander: You know where I'm heading with this, don't you.
Buffy: Well … this is … like a surprise. I mean, I … didn't expect it.
Xander: I thought I would stop stalling and just … do it.
Buffy: I'm so happy.
Xander: (surprised) You are?
Buffy: I'm surprised… it is a bit soon… but… I'm happy for you. I mean this is a very big step.
Xander: It is.
Buffy: What did she say?
Xander: What did who say?
Buffy: (slaps him on the shoulder) Irene! What did she say when you proposed? I'm sure she said yes.
Xander: (stunned) I … I …
Buffy: (realising) You're … not … talking about Irene.
Xander: No.
Buffy: Then what were you talking about?
Xander: I … just meant that … I … never mind . It's too stupid. Let's go. (heads out of the graveyard)
Buffy: (follows him) Wait up!
(Xander and Buffy are walking down the street)
Buffy: There's something else.
Xander: Yes.
Buffy: Tell me.
Xander: (spins around to face her) You want to know? Fine. I was talking about you. I'm in love with you. I've always been in love with you.
There. I said it. I still love you. Are you happy now? God, I never should have said anything. I should have just kept my fat mouth shut.
Buffy: (surprised) I … don't know… what to say.
Xander: Why don't I just do it for you? "I'm sorry, Xander, here, let me rip your heart out and crush it. Oh, and by the way, I hope we still can
be friends." See. I saved you the trouble.
Buffy: Why are you getting mad at me? I didn't do anything.
Xander: No, but I know what you're going to do.
Buffy: How would you know? (walks faster to catch up with him) I was thinking quite the opposite, actually.
Xander: (stops) What?
Buffy: I think I love you too.
Xander: (surprised … and pleased) You do?
Buffy: (smiles and bites her lower lip) Yeah. (puts her arms around him) You have no idea how long I've been waiting for this.
Xander: You've been waiting … for me?
Buffy: Aren't we Mr. Questions today.
Xander: I'm sorry … I'm just … oddly surprised.
Buffy: You shouldn't be. (pulls her face closer to his) Eileen saw right through me, though.
Xander: She was the one that told me to tell you.
Buffy: That meddlesome little wrench. (stops and smiles) Remind me to thank her.
Xander: Later.
(Buffy and Xander move in for a kiss … when…)
Irene: (screaming) I knew it!
(Buffy and Xander pull apart quickly)
Xander: Irene!
Irene: (marching up to them) I knew there was something going between you and this … this… (points at Buffy accusingly) … this…
Xander: What are you doing here?
Irene: I decided to go to the movie anyway. Without you. You told me you were sick.
Xander: I … can explain…
Irene: You lied to me! (slaps him hard) I never want to see you again! (storms off)
Xander: (rubs his face where Irene slapped him) Irene! (turns to Buffy) I'll be right back. I … have to fix this… before we …
Buffy: I understand.
(Xander runs after Irene)
SCENE - The apartment. Sometime later.
[Xander comes in]
Buffy: (getting up) How did it go?
Xander: She punched me in the stomach, kneed me in the crotch, and then slapped me twice, before kicking me in the shin. I think it went pretty
well.
Buffy: Poor baby.
Xander: (limps slightly to the couch) I told her about … us… she didn't seem to like the idea very much.
Buffy: I didn't expect her too.
Xander: (moves closer to her) Where were we?
(Buffy leans back and pulls him on top of her. They share a long kiss on the couch.)
Xander: That was good. God that was good. I never imagined that … oh it was good.
Buffy: Shut up and kiss me again.
THE END
Disclaimer: None of the characters belong to me. They belong to someone else. Duh. Except Eileen. She's mine.
Category: B/X
Summary: Somewhere in the future. Now isn't that original. Buffy is twenty-six, and she works in a boutique. I don't care.
This is my fic and I can do what I want. Willow and Oz are still together. Angel is dead . I'm not going into that. I just killed him because he
is a thorn in my side and he'll hinder story development. Haha. I am mean. Kill me now.
Part One
Scene I - Buffy, Willow and Oz are sitting in a coffeehouse place. They are talking and drinking coffee, and Xander comes in.
He sits down next to them.
Xander: This is starting to be a terrible day.
Willow: Why's that?
Xander: My landlady evicted me. Apparently her son is coming to stay with her, which means I have to scoot. Can you believe
that? This life sucks.
Buffy: (spits out her coffee) Oh my God! You know what is so cool?
All: What?
Buffy: My roommate's mother just died!
Oz: Cool.
Buffy: No, not that part. Her mother just died, and she's going to stay with her father, you know, to take care of him. (turns to
Xander) You can move in with me! It'll save me the trouble of finding another roommate.
Xander: Great idea! Thanks.
Willow: Wait. What about Irene?
Xander: What about her?
Willow: (to Xander) She is your girlfriend. Why can't you move in with her?
Buffy: Oh, he can't do that!
Xander: I can't do that!
Oz: Why not?
Xander: We've been going out for … a few weeks and I can't suddenly pack and decide to move in with her. It'll … it will … it'll
give her…
Buffy: … a false sense of commitment.
Xander: Thank you. And I don't want that. This whole thing may get her thinking about me staying with her *permanently* .
I'm not ready for that. No way. Not me.
Buffy: Imagine the awkwardness of *that* discussion.
Xander: So it's set. I'll bring my things over later.
Buffy: Sure.
= Scene II - Buffy's apartment. It's littered with Xander's boxes and stuff. He comes in and drops another box on the floor.
Buffy: Is that the last one?
Xander: That's the last one.
Buffy: I'm still wondering how we're going to fit everything in your room.
Xander: We could always leave some of the cool stuff out here.
Buffy: I've seen your cool stuff. And I don't want any of them on display.
Xander: Come on, some of these things would look great in my living room.
Buffy: Ahem.
Xander: … our living room.
Buffy: That'll do. (The doorbell rings) I'll get that.
(She opens the door and finds her friend/colleague there. She enters without waiting to be invited.)
Eileen: Hi, I was on my way , so I decided I would drop by and ask you if you were interested in joining me for … (sees Xander)
Hello.
Xander: Hi.
Eileen: I don't believe we've met. (walks over and shakes his hand) I'm
Eileen Williams, close, personal, friend of Buffy's. I'm single.
Xander: Alexander Harris. Xander to my friends. Nice to meet you.
Eileen: Did I mention I'm single?
Buffy: Yes you did.
Eileen: I wasn't talking to you.
Xander: Well, if you'll excuse me for a moment, I've got to put this boxes … away somewhere. (picks them up and walks into his
new room).
Eileen: (to Buffy, softly) Hunk-o-rama! Can I have him? Please?
Buffy: No, you may not. He's taken.
Eileen: Damn it. Can you at least share him with me?
Buffy: He's not mine to share. He has a girlfriend. Who is not me. If you want share-time you'll have to work out some kind of
agreement with her.
Eileen: Hah! If he has a girlfriend, then why is he living with you?
Buffy: Because his landlady's son is coming to live with her and he had to move out. And I'm his friend. That's what friends are
for. To do things for other friends.
Eileen: (mischievously) I'll like to do some things for him, if you get what I mean…
Buffy: Stop that this instant..
Eileen: All right, mom. You probably want to keep him for yourself, and are trying to eliminate the competition. I'm on to you,
sister.
Buffy: (laughs) Yeah, that would …
(Xander comes out again)
Xander: What are you girls talking about?
Buffy: Nothing.
Eileen: The real reason I came here was to ask Buffy if she was interested in joining me for lunch. Would you like to come?
Xander: Sure. Love to.
= Scene III - The restaurant where Buffy, Xander and Eileen are having lunch.
Eileen: … and then Buffy tells the customer, listen to this , she actually tells him …
Buffy: (through clenched teeth) I really don't think anyone wants to hear this story.
Xander: I do.
Buffy: You don't count.
Eileen: Let's ignore her. So anyway, Buffy thinks he's talking about something else, so she tells him …
Buffy: (raises her hand and waves at the waiter) Check!
Eileen: You're really spoiling the flow of the story, Buff.
Buffy: There is no story. This, is not a story. This is a relay of an embarrassing event that happened to me which I do want
repeated.
Eileen: Fine. Killjoy. (turns to Xander) I'll just tell you the whole story sometime. Maybe over dinner … (gets a kick from Buffy
under the table) … with Buffy and I … later.
Xander: That'll be great.
Buffy: Fantastic! And next time I'll tell the story about how you ran around the block naked.
Xander: (suddenly more attentive) Oh?
Buffy: It's really a funny…
Eileen: Oh, look, a dead cow.
Buffy: Where?
Eileen: On that man's plate.
Buffy: That is so sick.
= SCENE IV - Xander's new room. Buffy and Xander are admiring it.
Xander: This is so much cooler than my old room. There's so much more space.
Buffy: And so much more rent to pay.
Xander: That aside, it's great. Look, I get space for all my cool stuff. Those shelves are really useful.
Buffy: One would assume they would be. Hey, look. (walks over to a picture on the table) It's a picture of us. At the lake. At the
picnic. I have the exact picture framed on my table , too.
Xander: No kidding?
Buffy: Yeah. It's on my table , in my room. You can go over and see it if you don't believe me.
Xander: Is that a ploy to get me in you room so you can bed me?
Buffy: No. If I wanted to bed you I could do it right here.
Xander: Nah, you couldn't.
Buffy: I could too.
Xander: Prove it.
Buffy: (pauses for a moment, then laughs) You nearly got me there, Lavelle.
Xander: Hey!
Buffy: Lavelle, Lavelle, Lavelle.
Xander: This stopped being funny eight seconds ago.
Buffy: I never intended it to be funny. (glances at the clock) Well, it's getting late. Good night. Have fun in your new bed. And I
mean that metaphorically. I don't want you having … real fun in your bed… because that would be too odd and disgusting.
Xander: As if I'd ever get the chance.
Buffy: (laughs) Good night.
= SCENE V - "Le Boutique" , the fashion store where Buffy works as a salesperson.
Eileen: So, have you ever done it with him?
Buffy: (stares at her wide-eyed) NO.
Eileen: Are you sure?
Buffy: I think I would be aware if I were sleeping with Xander.
Eileen: Well, if you haven't, you have a pretty good chance now.
Buffy: What is that supposed to mean?
Eileen: I mean, look at the whole scenario. Hunky man and a beautiful sexy woman living together under the same roof. And
neither are gay. Sooner or later something's going to happen.
Buffy: Nothing's going to happen.
Eileen: Don't tell me you've never even thought about it.
Buffy: (instantly) Never.
Eileen: Not even once?
Buffy: (pauses) Well, maybe once. And you so cannot tell him I said that.
Eileen: (interested) Oooh… tell me more.
Buffy: It wasn't really a thought. It was more like a dream.
Eileen: (giggling) Was it a … sexy dream?
Buffy: I'm not telling you another word. You've poked in my business enough for one day.
Eileen: I bet it was a really sexy dream. I wonder what he looks like with his shirt off. I bet he looks really hot…
Buffy: (interrupts) He is my friend. He is my roommate. You just can't butt into my life and … and … fill my head with … bad,
bad mental images which I'll probably never get rid of now, thanks to you.
Eileen: I bet they're sexy mental images, aren't they.
Buffy: (covers her ears) La la la la la … not listening to you
Eileen: I bet he has mental images about you too.
Buffy: (uncovers ears) You think so?
Eileen: I thought you weren't listening to me.
Buffy: I'm not. I just happened to read your lips.
Eileen: Why do you bother about what … (clears her throat) images … he has of you anyway? It's not like you should care.
After all, he is your friend. He is your roommate.
Buffy: I don't care. I was just curious.
Eileen: I believe you.
Buffy: No , you don't.
Eileen: Come on, Buffy, it's absurd. He's an extremely attractive man, and you're an extremely attractive woman. You've known
each other for ten years. Don't tell me nothing happened during those ten years. I don't buy it. Something must have happened
during one of those 3,650 days.
Buffy: I don't care if you don't buy it. And for your information, something did happen.
Eileen: What?
Buffy: He… he asked me out once, but I said no.
Eileen: You did what?
Buffy: I didn't feel … I didn't feel anything for him … not in that way. I valued …
Eileen: … your friendship more , yada, yada, yada. How many times have I seen that on television?
Buffy: Well, excuse me. I don't recall *you* being around to offer me advice.
Eileen: You felt something for Xander but you were too afraid to act on it.
Buffy: You don't know what I was feeling when I was sixteen. You didn't even know me.
Eileen: Ah, but I know you now.
Buffy: That hardly gives you a reason to claim to knew me then. And why am I even having this conversation with you?
Eileen: Because you want to. You can only blame yourself.
Buffy: Well consider this conversation over. Your obsession with Xander is getting frightening.
Eileen: But he's so beautiful …
Buffy: Enough.
Eileen: (ignoring Buffy) But he has a girlfriend. Wouldn't it be unfortunate if she had a slight … accident?
Buffy: You scare me.
Eileen: If you help me, I'll let you have him Tuesday nights.
Buffy: I don't want him Tuesday nights.
Eileen: Would Wednesday be better?
Buffy: I don't want him any night at all. But thank you for offering.
Eileen: That's right. Not when you can have him every night … now.
Buffy: I'm not going to have Xander tonight, or any other night. Can we
please drop the subject?
Eileen: No. I want to talk more about Xander. Have you ever seen him na…
Buffy: Please don't finish that sentence.
Eileen: Why not?
Buffy: Because it's going to take me to scary visual place.
Eileen: I wish I could see him n…
Buffy: (covers ears again and starts singing) Old McDonald had a farm ….
Eileen: You really need a life.
Buffy: You really need to wash your mind with bleach. It's getting filthier each day. And not to mention your mouth.
Eileen: (sighs) That's what everybody says.
Buffy: Maybe you should listen to them.
Eileen: (looks at the clock) Lunch break. Let's flee while we can.
Buffy: Agreed.
PART TWO
Scene I - Buffy and Eileen are having lunch.
Eileen: Who do you think is sexier ; Xander or Alec Johnson?
Buffy: Alec Johnson? The counter guy from Baskin Robbins?
Eileen: The one and only.
Buffy: Alec Johnson? Come on, that guy is like a total freak. He's all muscles and no brains. And I think something lives in his
facial hair.
Eileen: So you admit it. You do find Xander sexy.
Buffy: I never said I didn't. And only in comparison to Alec Johnson. Can we please talk about something else now? That guy
totally creeps me out.
Eileen: So, if you were trapped on an island with Xander … and there was no other human being for miles… are you saying you
wouldn't do anything?
Buffy: Do you spend all your free time thinking up questions like this?
Eileen: Yes. Sadly.
Buffy: I intend to have a nice, quiet lunch. I am hungry, and I am tired, and I have no intention of telling you what I would 'do'
to Xander on a
deserted island.
Eileen: So you would do something to Xander.
Buffy: God, I would hate to be trapped on an island with *you* .
Eileen: But you wouldn't mind being trapped on the island with Xander? I sure as hell wouldn't mind one bit. Imagine … me and
Xander on the beach … the sun beating down on our hot, steamy, sweaty bodies … the island where clothing is purely
optional…
Buffy: I've suddenly lost all will to eat.
Eileen: Wait, I haven't finished yet. We'll spend each hot day and cooling night entwined in each other , where every moment is
passionate, sensual and …
Buffy: (warningly) Scary visual place! Scary visual place!
Eileen: Recent surveys have shown that an appropriate amount of sexual fantasies increases your life span.
Buffy: The key word here being 'appropriate'. Not every single breathing moment. And I don't trust any survey coming from
Playgirl.
Eileen: I didn't say it was from Playgirl.
Buffy: That's the only thing you read, isn't it.
Eileen: Quite true.
Buffy: You're a very, very bad girl, who'll have a lot to say at confession next week.
Eileen: Okay. Let's say Xander is …
Buffy: Every sentence that comes out from your mouth has Xander in it. Xander here, Xander there, Xander everywhere. Why
don't you just chain yourself to him so you'll never let him out of your sight?
Eileen: What a lovely mental image you've just given me.
Buffy: Never mind. Forget I even said it. We'd better get back to work. As joyless as that may sound.
SCENE II - Buffy/Xander's apartment … later that night. Buffy is sitting down and reading the newspaper when the doorbell rings.
She answers the door and it is Eileen.
Buffy: Hi.
Eileen: Hi. (steps in and looks around the apartment eagerly)
Buffy: Well?
Eileen: Well what? (still looking around the apartment for something)
Buffy: (sweetly sarcastic) Looking for something?
Eileen: Eh… (eyes darting across the room) Yes… as a matter of fact, I was looking for … (her eyes rest on a magazine. She
picks it up) This magazine. Can I borrow it?
Buffy: (disbelieving)'Time'?
Eileen: I was always keen on current issues.
Buffy: Xander's taking a shower.
Eileen: Oh, damn it. (puts the magazine down) I'll come back in half an
hour.
(Buffy laughs. As Eileen turns to go, the bathroom door opens and Xander steps out, wearing nothing but a towel wrapped
around his waist.)
Xander: Hi girls. (he waves and enters his room and closes the door)
Eileen: Oh. My. God. (turns to Buffy) You were looking ! You were looking!
Buffy: (defensively) I was not!
Eileen: Yes, you were. I saw you.
Buffy: Well, it's common among *people* to look at one another when they talk.
Eileen: Oh, his face was the last thing you were looking at.
Buffy: That is so not true.
Eileen: You were looking. And you were staring.
Buffy: All right. So what if I were? I've never seen a half-naked man for ages, so *excuse* me if I indulge once in a while.
Eileen: I like that word. Indulge.
Buffy: Oh, shut up.
Eileen: I bet you weren't having the purest of thoughts back then, now were you.
Buffy: My thoughts, pure or not, are none of your business. And neither is my roommate.
(Xander comes out. Fully dressed, of course.)
Eileen: (sweetly) Hi, Xander.
Xander: Hi.
Eileen: I was just telling Buffy, that you can save a lot of money on your water bills, if several people took showers together at
the same time. Maybe you and Buffy should try it.
Xander: (turns red) Well, I don't think we're that hard up on cash.
Buffy: (to Eileen) You. Out of my house. Now.
Eileen: (laughs) Fine. Give a little economic-friendly advice and I get
tossed out. This society sickens me. (turns and leaves)
Buffy: (to Xander) You have to excuse her. She's like this all the time.
Xander: Actually, I thought it was a pretty good idea. (Buffy glares at him) I was kidding.
Buffy: Eileen has a problem. With her mind. The problem being it's filthy. You know how that is.
Xander: What's that supposed to mean?
Buffy: Nothing.
Xander: Are you trying to imply something?
Buffy: No.
Xander: Well, it seemed very much like it.
Buffy: (changes the topic) I heard there's a pretty good movie on cable
tonight.
Xander: I got the popcorn.
SCENE III - Buffy and Xander are watching the credits of the movie. Buffy is resting her head on Xander's shoulder.
Buffy: That … wasn't so bad.
Xander: I don't know which part I liked better. The one with the divorce or the one where Aunt Esther gets mowed down by a
runaway tractor.
Buffy: That was pretty sad.
Xander: Much.
Buffy: I thought it was sweet when Alex proposed to Bethany.
Xander: Wasn't she his best friend?
Buffy: Yeah.
Xander: Oh.
Buffy: So, you're going out with Irene tomorrow?
Xander: Yeah. I'm taking her out for dinner. Do you want to come?
Buffy: What type of question is that? Oh, sure, I'll just tag along on your date and watch and listen while you two make out.
Xander: I was just being polite.
Buffy: Oh. In that case, no thank you. I'll be perfectly fine with my TV-dinner. Or maybe I'll cook something. Or defrost it.
Whichever takes less work.
Xander: (looks at his watch) It's nearly one a.m.
Buffy: The movie was that long?
Xander: It must have been.
Buffy: Well, it's off to bed for me.
Xander: I'll join you. (Buffy gives him a funny look) I meant… I'll join you in that idea. In my own bed.
Buffy: (laughs) Had my hopes up there for a minute.
Xander: Sorry to disappoint you then. (they both head off in towards their own rooms)
SCENE IV - Buffy's room. It is the next day.
Xander: Wake up, sweetie pie.
Buffy: Huh? (rubs her eyes groggily) What are you doing here? What time is it?
Xander: It's time for breakfast. Come on, get up.
Buffy: There have to be laws about forcefully waking people up.
Xander: Too bad, there aren't any. It's ten-thirty on a beautiful, Sunday morning. Don't you want to get up and breathe the
fresh, Sunday air?
Buffy: I would like to breathe the fresh, Sunday air in my bed, thank you.
Xander: I made us breakfast. Come on.
Buffy: (reluctantly gets up) I hate you. (follows Xander to the kitchen
where she is greeted with the smell of freshly-made pancakes…) Oh. That
smells nice.
Xander: Aren't you glad you woke up?
(Buffy sits down as Xander serves her some pancakes. He puts some on his own plate before sitting down)
Buffy: I didn't know you knew how to make pancakes.
Xander: There's a lot about you don't know.
Buffy: Like what?
Xander: Well, for one thing, I can make pancakes.
Buffy: (taking a bite) Hmm. Yummy. I wish I could cook like this. One day you'll have to teach me.
Xander: Only if you behave.
Buffy: (eating some more) Now, I actually like having you around.
Xander: Are you saying you never liked having me around before? I'm hurt.
Buffy: (laughs) I'm sorry. I'm not very nice this early in the morning.
Xander: You're not that bad. Aside from the hair.
Buffy: (immediately pats her hair with her hand) Well, I didn't have time to freshen up after being dragged out from bed at this
ungodly hour.
Xander: It's ten-thirty.
Buffy: It's ungodly to me.
Xander: So, roomie, what do you want to do today?
Buffy: I was thinking of crawling back into bed again.
Xander: You can't do that! It's Sunday. You're supposed to be doing all
sorts of fun things with your friends. And since I'm you friend, I'm going to make sure you do.
Buffy: Are you like this every Sunday? Because if you are, I'm going to kick you out.
Xander: I already called Willow and Oz. We're meeting them for lunch.
Buffy: Do we have to?
SCENE V - Having lunch with Willow and Oz. Joyous!
Willow: So, how's this whole roommate thing working out between you two?
Xander: Great. Couldn't be better.
Buffy: (droning) If this were last Sunday, I would still be in bed …
Xander: … wasting precious time doing nothing but sleep. It's like I've
given you … a gift. Of time.
Buffy: That's great. That really is. Thank you.
Willow: Notice how we hardly ever do stuff together anymore?
Oz: Stuff like what?
Willow: Fun stuff. With our friends.
Buffy: I'm happy without fun.
Xander: (to Willow and Oz) You have to forgive her. She's still a bit upset over the whole "I-don't-get-to-sleep" bit. It'll pass.
Buffy: Oh, it'll pass all right.
Xander: You see!
Oz: We should do this every week.
Buffy: Over Xander's dead body.
Xander: Hey!
Willow: The fun never stops with you two. (turns to Buffy and Xander) Any cool roommate stories? I saw this show on cable
yesterday, and it was a
story about roommates.
Xander: This wasn't the one with the runaway tractor, now was it?
Willow: No. I don't think so. But there was a train.
Buffy: Ah.
Xander: Well, now that you mention it, we do have a cool roommate story to share.
Buffy: We do?
Xander: Yeah, of course we do. Remember last night? (turns to Willow and Oz) Buffy and I were watching a movie last night.
Oz: … and?
Xander: That's basically it. And Aunt Esther got mowed down by a tractor.
Oz: Who's Aunt Esther?
Buffy: And what a cool roommate story that was. I'll go watch some grass grow now.
Xander: Excuse me for trying to conduct a conversation, Buffy "Wrong Side Of The Bed" Summers.
Buffy: Well, it just so happens that I was *forced* to the wrong side of the bed. If you had let me sleep like I wanted to, I could
have gotten up at a more appropriate time, and thus, get up on the right side of the bed.
Xander: *Some* people like to have productive days.
Buffy: I am not *some* people. I am me.
Xander: I try to do a good deed …
Oz: This is getting good.
Buffy: And I appreciate you dragging me out of bed …
Willow: (whispering to Oz) Oh, dear it's starting already.
Oz: (whispering back)What's starting?
Willow: Their getting on each other's nerves. I knew this was bound to happen. Live with someone and you'll see all the
negative attributes you never thought they had.
Oz: We've been living together and we never argue. A lot.
Willow: That's because we have an understanding. *We* are in love. (motions to Buffy and Xander, who are still arguing)
They, on the other hand … hmmm…
Oz: What are you thinking about?
Willow: Nothing.
Buffy: … so blame everything on me, is that it? Buffy's always wrong.
Xander: Well you can't be always right.
Buffy: Funny, because you always think you are.
Willow: I think now's the time to ask for the check.
SCENE VI - Buffy/Xander's apartment. Several hours after lunch. They haven't been speaking to each other.
Xander: I'm sorry.
Buffy: About what?
Xander: Waking you up. I didn't know you would be so upset about it. I should have been more considerate.
Buffy: Oh, forget about it. I was thinking about it and I realised I was being really childish and stupid. All you wanted to do was
help.
Xander: I'm forgiven?
Buffy: There's nothing to forgive. I just hope you'll forgive me for kicking into bitch mode at the restaurant earlier on. God, I
was so mean.
Xander: Yes, you were.
Buffy: I think that was where you say something like "it doesn't matter".
Xander: It doesn't matter.
Buffy: Thank you. Peace?
Xander: Peace.
(They both reach out and hug each other. For a very long time. After a while they pull back and look at each other. For a very long time.
Their faces inch towards each other for a kiss when … the telephone rings. They pull apart sheepishly. Xander answers the telephone.)
Xander: Yeah? (listens to the other end) Oh, God. I'll be right over.
PART THREE
Scene I –
Buffy sits and stares at the blank wall, wondering what to do. She is thinking about Xander and *that* moment, when the doorbell rang.
Buffy: (opening door and seeing someone there) Oh, hello.
Irene: Hi. Is Alexander in?
Buffy: Who?
Irene: Alexander Harris.
Buffy: Oh! *Xander* . I'm so sorry , I have a lot of things on my mind. I'm really not this stupid.
Irene: I'm Irene Tresses. Alexander was supposed to meet me for dinner over an hour ago and he didn't show up. He's not one to miss dates
without calling, so I got worried, and he gave me this address …
Buffy: Xander's fine. They called him back a few hours ago … some workplace emergency. Exploding Big Mac's … or something… he really
didn't go into detail - he was in such a hurry to leave.
Irene: He could have at least called me.
Buffy: I'm sure he meant to. The emergency probably distracted him.
Irene: (nods) You must be his roommate.
Buffy: Buffy Summers.
Irene: You know, this may sound really stupid, but I always imagined you were a … guy.
Buffy: Oh, that's totally understandable. There are a lot of men named Buffy.
Irene: No, the thing is, Alexander never referred to you as Buffy. He always called you "Buff", so I assumed it was some macho
man-guy-nickname thing. You know how men are.
Buffy: Heh. I'm sure he must have slipped in a 'she' or a 'her' somewhere with my name.
Irene: I don't know. Maybe I wasn't paying enough attention.
Buffy: (lying) He always talks about you, you know.
Irene: Really?
Buffy: Sure.
Irene: Wow. He's such a great guy.
Buffy: I know.
Irene: Did he say when he would be coming back?
Buffy: No, unfortunately. Sorry.
Irene: That's all right. I was really looking forward to tonight, that's all.
Buffy: He didn't mean …
Irene: I know. I understand. Well, I leave you alone now. Thanks for … well, whatever. (smiles) It was really nice meeting you. Maybe the three
of us can get together some time.
Buffy: (lying. Again) Sure. Love to.
Irene: So, I'll catch you later. Bye.
[Many hours later …]
(Xander comes in)
Buffy: Glad you decided to come back.
Xander: The Big Macs exploded.
Buffy: Ooooh.
Xander: Some idiot prankster put an explosive in the patty storage, and the place was a mess. We had to spend hours cleaning it up and
explaining everything to the customers.
Buffy: It is your sacred duty as the Sunnydale McDonald's Restaurant Manager. One man in all the world.
Xander: Your humour sucks.
Buffy: Hmph. Well, on a more fun, bright, note, I met your girlfriend.
Xander: Irene?
Buffy: No, your other girlfriend.
Xander: My God, I totally forgot about our date! She's going to kill me.
Buffy: She seemed pretty calm when she came here.
Xander: She came here?! She must be pretty mad.
Buffy: No, she wasn't.
Xander: Oh, I'm going to have to do a lot of begging and grovelling to make up for this one.
Buffy: Well, I explained things for you pretty well, I think. I'm like the relationship-patcher-person.
Xander: You talked to her? Oh God.
Buffy: What?!
Xander: Nothing. I just get worried when my friends talk to my girlfriend unsupervised.
Buffy: Relax. If anything, I actually made your relationship better. And now I am wondering why I did that.
Xander: Well, thank you anyway. So, did you like her?
Buffy: Erm … she seemed okay. We didn't talk for long. But I bet she could be a real bitch.
Xander: Buffy!
Buffy: Well, it's just that I have this feeling that I should hate all your girlfriends, but I don't hate Irene and it really bugs me out.
Xander: Ah. (gets up) I'd better call Irene. And beg. And grovel.
SCENE II - Restaurant. The next evening. Xander and Irene are having dinner.
Xander: I'm still really sorry I forgot to call you.
Irene: I forgive you.
Xander: That's great. (smiles)
Irene: I met your roommate.
Xander: So she told me.
Irene: You didn't tell me she was a girl.
Xander: I didn't? I thought I did.
Irene: She's very pretty.
Xander: (dreamily) Yeah…
Irene: Xander!
Xander: (panics) … but I mean… uh … no more prettier than you.
Irene: Are you sleeping with her?
Xander: What?
Irene: You heard me. Don't tell me you didn't do anything. You and a beautiful woman under the same roof. God knows what's going on behind
closed doors.
Xander: I am not sleeping with Buffy.
Irene: But you would like to, wouldn't you.
Xander: That's not a nice question to ask.
Irene: Notice how you're not answering.
Xander: I can't believe you don't trust me.
Irene: (pauses) I trust you. I just don't trust that … that … she doesn't look very … chaste …
Xander: Buffy's very chaste. In some ways.
Irene: Look. Forget I even said anything okay? It's just that I get very jealous when it comes to you.
Xander: Buffy and I are not doing anything (thinks about the night before the telephone call) . I swear.
Irene: All right.
SCENE III - Meanwhile, Buffy and Eileen are spending time in Buff's apartment. They are pigging out eating ice-cream.
Eileen: I had the weirdest dream last night. And it was so cool.
Buffy: Was it about Xander? Because if it is, I don't want to hear it.
Eileen: Well, he was in it, but so was Brad Pitt. And Dermot Mulroney. And Tom Cruise. And Paul Rudd.
Buffy: Is this another variation of your orgy dream?
Eileen: Oh, sure, take the fun out of it.
Buffy: Your dreams are so repetitive.
Eileen: New topic! You met his girlfriend last night? What was she like? Was there a cat fight?
Buffy: Why would there be a cat fight?
Eileen: Because you're both fighting for the same man?
Buffy: I'm not fighting for Xander.
Eileen: Sure …
Buffy: (ignores her) Okay, she was really nice, and I think she likes me.
Eileen: And you would care whether she likes you … why?
Buffy: It's important to have people liking you, Eileen. You probably don't know what I'm talking about.
Eileen: You are rude.
Buffy: But she has this annoying habit. (imitating Irene) "Is Alexander in?" "Why didn't Alexander call me?" What is this, elementary
school? Doesn't she know that it's all right to call him Xander?
Eileen: Oh! Can you imagine … "Take me now, Alexander!" (giggles)
Buffy: I think I'm going to apply for a permanent passport to "Scary Visual Place". Thank you.
Eileen: I want to live in scary visual place. Especially if it's littered with pictures of naked Xander.
Buffy: You're really grossing me out.
Eileen: This whole "I'm-not-attracted-to-Xander" charade really isn't fooling anyone. You're actually enjoying all this sex talk involving Xander.
Buffy: I refuse to dignify that with an appropriate response.
Eileen: All right. Oh, do I have a story for you. It's actually quite funny.
Buffy: Go on.
Eileen: Okay, so there's this guy, who thinks his wife isn't in love with him anymore because he isn't good in bed. So he goes to this shop
and …
Buffy: Wait. Is this one of your sick, perverted jokes? Because if it is I don't want to hear it.
Eileen: Aw dammit. Let's talk about Xander. You know you want to.
Buffy: (sighs) I guess I really don't have a choice, now do I.
Eileen: No , you don't. Oh! Oh! What was your Xander dream like?
Buffy: You're the last person I'm telling.
Eileen: Naughty dream.
Buffy: I … I was drunk that night … and very, very depressed …
Eileen: Oh, sure you were.
Buffy: I don't have to take this from you.
Eileen: You two are perfect for each other. Tell me again why you didn't hook up?
Buffy: Because it would never work out.
Eileen: Now , how why would you say that? You'll never know until you try. You know, he is like ice-cream. You have to try him before you
decide whether you like it or not. You've got to taste him, gently … he is the ice-cream you have to lick sensually … savouring each , refreshing
moment … feel him all over our mouth … all over…
Buffy: Stop it! I am not "trying" Xander or licking him or whatever sick fantasies you have in mind.
Eileen: You are a wet blanket.
Buffy: You are a dirty minded tramp.
Eileen: True. Do you think Xander likes the… pure, virginal woman more, or the dirty, sultry, sexy vixen. Because I could be pure and virginal.
Buffy: Xander likes anything with breasts and a pair of legs.
Eileen: Chickens?
Buffy: He likes *anybody* with breasts and a pair of legs.
Eileen: Oh, wait. You fit that description!
Buffy: I knew you would twist that around someway.
Eileen: I mean , look at you. You have beautiful, sexy legs, and an ample bosom. Which man wouldn't want you?
Buffy: That's comforting.
Eileen: And look at Xander. Broad shoulders, sexy eyes, dreamy smile, rock hard abs, a body so delicious you could just …
Buffy: (warningly) EH!
Eileen: (sniffs) Your children are going to be beautiful. Please name one after me. There *must* be an Eileen Harris in this world, even though
it is sad that it will never be me.
Buffy: I'm going to slap you now.
PART FOUR
Scene I - Buffy's apartment. The place is littered with beer cans and bottles. Apparently Eileen and Buffy have been having too much fun.
They're both in the living room, drunk.
Buffy: (giggling) … and then, Xander takes of all his clothes and says "Use me in anyway you want to."
Eileen: (laughs crazily) And then what happens?
Buffy: (giggles again before emptying another beer can) I do. On the kitchen table, on the living room floor and on the couch.
Eileen: (crumples her empty can and throws it against the wall) You have the coolest dream. EVER!
Buffy: I know. .. And pine trees are … (hiccups) … purple in the winter.
Eileen: No they're not. They're … pink. A pastel pink. Magenta pink. With a dash of black pepper. None on my steak, thank you… (giggles)
Buffy: (laughs and reaches for another can) I saw Xander in his speedos once.
Eileen: Unfair!
Buffy: Burgundy. A lovely burgundy. Oh, he has a beautiful body. So hard, and yet so tender.
Eileen: (burps) How would you know?
Buffy: I have a very… (hiccups) … good … imagination. (giggles and laughs)
Eileen: Ahhh … a good imagination is the mother of invention. Or is that necessity?
Buffy: Who is Necessity?
Eileen: Invention's mother.
Buffy: (pretends to understand) Oh…
Eileen: Who names their children "Invention" , anyway?
Buffy: Who names their children "Buffy"? (laughs loudly)
Eileen: Buffy is a … cool … name… (slumps against the couch). I wish my mother … had named me Esmerelda Amethyst.
(The sound of keys and the door unlocking is heard. Xander steps in and his horrified to see the mess)
Xander: What…
Eileen: Daddy's back! (giggles and struggles to get up. She falls, but succeeds on the second try. She stumbles to the door) Bye.
Xander: You can't drive home in that condition.
Eileen: I'm not driving … home … because car, I do not have. (starts singing off key) But you've got a fast car, I've got a ticket to anywhere …
maybe we can make a deallllll…..
Xander: When you start singing Tracy Chapman songs, it's time for me to give you a lift. (turns to Buffy) You. Stay here and stop drinking.
Buffy: All right, my hard-bodied hunk of man, you.
(Xander raises an eyebrow and guides Eileen out of the door)
A SHORT WHILE LATER
(Xander comes back in. Buffy is , remarkably still conscious. He looks around at all the beer cans and starts picking them up)
Xander: You didn't drink all of this, did you?
Buffy: You're looking very sexy tonight …. (purrs)
Xander: Apparently you did. (picks up some more cans)
Buffy: Xander? Could you do me a … tiny favour?
Xander: (looks at her) Sure. What?
Buffy: (giggles uncontrollably for a few seconds.) Take of all your clothes and let me use you in anyway I want.
Xander: (stunned) What?
Buffy: You heard me, lover boy. (growls seductively at him) Rrrrr … get over here.
Xander: (gets up) OK! It's bedtime for you.
Buffy: It's like you've read my mind.
Xander: (helps her up. Buffy leans against his shoulder for support) You've had way too much to drink. Off to bed now.
Buffy: Are you joining me?
Xander: Tempting, but … no.
(Xander and Buffy enter Buffy's bedroom. He helps her unto her bed. He turns to go.)
Buffy: Stay with me for a while.
Xander: I …
Buffy: Please?
(Xander sighs when he realises that he cannot say no to Buffy. He lies down beside her. Buffy snuggles up to him and puts her head on his
chest. She falls asleep in an instant. Xander realises that he cannot get up without waking her … and he too falls asleep)
THE NEXT MORNING
(Buffy awakes and finds an already awake Xander beside her.)
Xander: Hey there.
Buffy: I have a terrible headache. I can't even remember what I did last night.
Xander: (realises potential for some fun) Well, you were great last night, honey.
Buffy: (stupidly)Great at what?
Xander: (hugs her tightly) Don't be so shy. You weren't so shy last night.
Buffy: (eyes open wide in shock and terror) OH MY GOD.
Xander: It wasn't *that* bad. (winks at her)
Buffy: (slowly)Did we do what I think we did?
Xander: (nods) Six times.
Buffy: (gets up quickly) This is bad. I knew alcohol was a bad idea. Oh, God, and I have a splitting headache. This is bad. This is bad.
This is bad.
Xander: Can you stop saying that?
Buffy: (gasps) What if I'm pregnant?
Xander: You're not.
Buffy: How would you know?
Xander: (pauses) Because we didn't do anything.
Buffy: You said we did. Six times.
Xander: (laughs) I was just fooling with you. Pretty cool joke, eh.
Buffy: (sighs in relief) Well, that's a relief. (her eyebrows arch suddenly) That was a VERY bad thing to do! I could have gotten a heart attack.
Xander: No, you wouldn't. You should have seen your eyes bulge just now.
Buffy: (grabs a pillow and hits Xander hard) You are a wicked, wicked man.
Xander: Hey, you should be thankful nothing embarrassing happened.
Buffy: (stops) Nothing embarrassing *did* happen, right?
Xander: (remembering) Oh, well, there were one or two incidents. I forget.
Buffy: (slowly) What … did … I do?
Xander: Nothing much. You just asked me to take off my clothes and let you use me. I thought it was pretty funny.
(Buffy covers her mouth when she realises that was what she dreamt about. She realises that she is turning red so she dashes off to the
bathroom.)
Xander: Hmm.
SCENE II - Later that day. In the apartment again.
Eileen: (coming in) I had the suckiest headache. Thank God for aspirin.
(turns to Buffy)This is all your fault.
Buffy: Why me?
Eileen: I believe someone said "Why, let's have some beer! So what if we get drunk?".
Buffy: I think that was you.
Eileen: (stops and thinks for a while) Indeed it was. But you should have stopped me. (turns to Xander) Thanks for giving me a ride back home
last night. Really appreciate it. If there's *anything* (flutters her eyelashes) I can do for you, ahem, *anything* at all…
Xander: (laughs)That won't be necessary.
Eileen: Damn it.
Buffy: (looks at the clock) Eh! Oh no!
Eileen: (with feigned terror) Egads, it's a clock!
Buffy: Yes, thank you for pointing it out. I was supposed to meet my mother half an hour ago. She's probably telling everybody around her
how irresponsible I am. I have to go. (grabs her handbag and coat and heads out the door without bothering to say anything else)
Eileen: How rude.
Xander: Indeed.
Eileen: Oh, looky! It's just you and me.
Xander: Delightful. (sits down on the couch)
Eileen: (sits down next to him) So, tell me, what's up with you and Buffy?
Xander: Nothing's up. Why?
Eileen: OK, none of that whole "nothing's-up" deal. I have enough of that with Buffy.
Xander: (seriously confused)What are you talking about?
Eileen: You like her, don't you. Really, really, really … like her.
Xander: (gets nervous and looks away) I don't know what you're talking about. You're practically speaking in tongues.
Eileen: Love is a language the deaf can hear and the blind can see.
Xander: Huh?
Eileen: Never mind. (pushes his shoulder lightly) You don't have to be a rocket scientist to see what's going on between you two. The stolen
glances, the looks of pure passion and love, the accidental touches that simmer with the sizzling zest of unrequited love and admiration …
Xander: You lost me after "never mind".
Eileen: I've been reading too many Danielle Steel books. But you do know what I'm talking about, don't you?
Xander: Roughly.
Eileen: And what I'm saying is true, isn't it?
Xander: (hesitant) Yes. (turns to her) And you cannot breathe a word to Buffy.
Eileen: Why not?
Xander: Because… it'll … spoil the whole friendship thing we have going , and then I'll have to move out and I don't have anywhere else to go.
And I don't handle rejection very well.
Eileen: What makes you so sure you'll get rejected?
Xander: She doesn't feel the same way about me.
Eileen: How do you know that?
Xander: I asked her. And she told me.
Eileen: When.
Xander: When … we were … sixteen.
Eileen: Living in the past, much? That was ten years ago. Feelings change. People change.
Xander: I don't think… if … she still feels the same… I'll look like a total fool. I'll never be able to speak with her again.
Eileen: She likes you. And I mean, she really does. She's scared of the same things you are. You'll never know if you never try. And if you don't
try, you'll be sitting on your front porch when you're eighty years old thinking about the greatest love you never had.
Xander: Why are you so keen on this anyway?
Eileen: I'm a sucker for happy endings. I know a good match when I see one. And I'm seeing one right now. It's fate. It's providence. You two
are bound to be together. Call me psychic, call me a psycho, but I can tell.
Xander: I wish it were that easy… and … and … I'm seeing someone else right now.
Eileen: If you stay on with what's-her-name while you still have a thing for Buffy, you're not being fair to yourself, you're not being fair to her,
and you're not being fair to Buffy.
Xander: You seem to have this figured out from every possible angle. Is it true that you have no life?
Eileen: I live vicariously through others. (gets up) Go on. Tell her. Because I'm pretty sick of watching you two skirt around the love zone and
not do anything. And to think it's been going on for more than ten years. If I don't see you two together soon, I swear I'm going to take you for
myself. I'm giving that girl way too many chances.
Xander: (laughs) Thank you.
Eileen: No problem. Just reserve me a place as Maid of Honour. And as godmother.
PART V
SCENE : Sometime later. Buffy & Xander's apartment.
Buffy: (coming in) Can you believe it, I actually have to patrol tonight.
Xander: Why?
Buffy: I dunno. Maybe it's because I'm the Slayer.
Xander: You haven't been patrolling for ages.
Buffy: I know. But Giles says just because there haven't been any vampire attacks or sightings in the last week doesn't mean we don't have to
take precautions. And he said something else about responsibilities and sacred duties, but I toned off after the first five minutes.
Xander: I can't believe he still does that whole Watcher act.
Buffy: He's in denial.
Xander: Can I come?
Buffy: To patrol?
Xander: I believe that's what the kids call it nowadays.
Buffy: Why? There won't be any action. There hasn't been for a long time now. I think I actually did it. I actually got rid of all the vampires. It
took me ten , long, years, but I finally did it.
Xander: I still want to come.
Buffy: Why?
Xander: I want to.
Buffy: Why?
Xander: (kicks into lousy excuse mode) I just realised that we haven't been spending time together lately, and I thought this would be a good
way to … get close again.
Buffy: We live together. I see you before I sleep. I see you *after* I wake up. And on some occasions, I see you *when* I wake up. The only
time I don't see you is when I'm working. I think we've pretty much spent all our time together.
Xander: Look, it's just that … I have something important I want to tell you.
Buffy: In a graveyard?
Xander: Well …
Buffy: Why don't you tell me now?
Xander: I'm not ready. I need more time to plan… or I'll end up looking like a fool.
Buffy: (totally clueless about what he's talking about) Sounds major…
Xander: It is.
Buffy: Wait - aren't you going to watch that late night movie with Irene tonight?
Xander: Chick flick. I don't really want to go.
Buffy: Maybe it's a nice chick flick.
Xander: I'll call her to cancel.
Buffy: Are you sure? I think a chick flick's way more entertaining then a graveyard.
Xander: It's a mother-daughter bonding film. I am neither a mother, nor a daughter, so I bear no interest in it at all.
Buffy: All right, I get the idea. (goes into her room)
SCENE: Later that night … in the graveyard. It is boring.
Buffy: … and so, instead of wearing a beige blouse with my peach skirt, I opted for a more vibrant approach , so I picked the soft orange.
Xander: You're boring.
Buffy: Well , that's because we ran out of topics an hour ago. Oh, didn't you want to tell me something?
Xander: Yes. (says nothing)
Buffy: (waits for a while) Well?
Xander: Um … I … err…
Buffy: Any day now, Xand.
Xander: Well … I …. You know how … you … meet somebody and … you know… that … err… she's well … special …
Buffy: Of course.
Xander: Please don't interrupt me.
Buffy: (looks surprised) All right, Mr. talkative.
Xander: It's just that … you're distracting me and… I can't get the message out clearly.
Buffy: Okay.
Xander: I was saying … that … this person … the special person … I … the one person that keeps you going … the one somebody you …
know that … you know that she's the right one for you … and you're supposed … to spend all your life with her.
Buffy: (covers her mouth) Oh my God.
Xander: You know where I'm heading with this, don't you.
Buffy: Well … this is … like a surprise. I mean, I … didn't expect it.
Xander: I thought I would stop stalling and just … do it.
Buffy: I'm so happy.
Xander: (surprised) You are?
Buffy: I'm surprised… it is a bit soon… but… I'm happy for you. I mean this is a very big step.
Xander: It is.
Buffy: What did she say?
Xander: What did who say?
Buffy: (slaps him on the shoulder) Irene! What did she say when you proposed? I'm sure she said yes.
Xander: (stunned) I … I …
Buffy: (realising) You're … not … talking about Irene.
Xander: No.
Buffy: Then what were you talking about?
Xander: I … just meant that … I … never mind . It's too stupid. Let's go. (heads out of the graveyard)
Buffy: (follows him) Wait up!
(Xander and Buffy are walking down the street)
Buffy: There's something else.
Xander: Yes.
Buffy: Tell me.
Xander: (spins around to face her) You want to know? Fine. I was talking about you. I'm in love with you. I've always been in love with you.
There. I said it. I still love you. Are you happy now? God, I never should have said anything. I should have just kept my fat mouth shut.
Buffy: (surprised) I … don't know… what to say.
Xander: Why don't I just do it for you? "I'm sorry, Xander, here, let me rip your heart out and crush it. Oh, and by the way, I hope we still can
be friends." See. I saved you the trouble.
Buffy: Why are you getting mad at me? I didn't do anything.
Xander: No, but I know what you're going to do.
Buffy: How would you know? (walks faster to catch up with him) I was thinking quite the opposite, actually.
Xander: (stops) What?
Buffy: I think I love you too.
Xander: (surprised … and pleased) You do?
Buffy: (smiles and bites her lower lip) Yeah. (puts her arms around him) You have no idea how long I've been waiting for this.
Xander: You've been waiting … for me?
Buffy: Aren't we Mr. Questions today.
Xander: I'm sorry … I'm just … oddly surprised.
Buffy: You shouldn't be. (pulls her face closer to his) Eileen saw right through me, though.
Xander: She was the one that told me to tell you.
Buffy: That meddlesome little wrench. (stops and smiles) Remind me to thank her.
Xander: Later.
(Buffy and Xander move in for a kiss … when…)
Irene: (screaming) I knew it!
(Buffy and Xander pull apart quickly)
Xander: Irene!
Irene: (marching up to them) I knew there was something going between you and this … this… (points at Buffy accusingly) … this…
Xander: What are you doing here?
Irene: I decided to go to the movie anyway. Without you. You told me you were sick.
Xander: I … can explain…
Irene: You lied to me! (slaps him hard) I never want to see you again! (storms off)
Xander: (rubs his face where Irene slapped him) Irene! (turns to Buffy) I'll be right back. I … have to fix this… before we …
Buffy: I understand.
(Xander runs after Irene)
SCENE - The apartment. Sometime later.
[Xander comes in]
Buffy: (getting up) How did it go?
Xander: She punched me in the stomach, kneed me in the crotch, and then slapped me twice, before kicking me in the shin. I think it went pretty
well.
Buffy: Poor baby.
Xander: (limps slightly to the couch) I told her about … us… she didn't seem to like the idea very much.
Buffy: I didn't expect her too.
Xander: (moves closer to her) Where were we?
(Buffy leans back and pulls him on top of her. They share a long kiss on the couch.)
Xander: That was good. God that was good. I never imagined that … oh it was good.
Buffy: Shut up and kiss me again.
THE END