Why was it so hard for Ikuya to understand? Why couldn't he open his big brown eyes and see? Why couldn't he love him back?
Looking up to the starless sky- even if Hiyori did believe in wishes and stars, there wasn't one to wish upon.
That was just his luck.
He started to aimlessly wander, needing out of the playground, needing as far away from the words spoken as he possibly could.
Walking down the hallway to his dorm, he saw Ikuya sitting at his door, his head on knees- waiting for him. They were only a few doors from each other, Ikuya could have just waited in his own room. Hiyori wanted to smile, it was what he had taught himself to do-he physically couldn't. As he got closer, Ikuya noticed him and stood up.
When he got closer, Ikuya stepped forward, grabbed his shirt and buried his head into his chest. He wasn't crying, but his body was visibly shaking. Hiyori wanted to be an asshole and push him away, but his heart would not allow it. His hand found his way into Ikuya's hair, soothing massaging his scalp.
"Let's go in," he whispered.
Ikuya nodded and stepped back. His eyes were red- he might have been crying at one point, but he wasn't at that moment. Hiyori really wanted to just embrace him, but they were still in the hallway. There was so much that was said, so much they still needed to say.
His hands shook as he unlocked his door. The moment he set his bag down, and kicked his shoes off- Ikuya had him pinned to the wall. The kiss was rough, it hurt his lips for how hard Ikuya was pressing against him.
On a normal day, Hiyori would be into this- but not after everything that happened. Pushing Ikuya away and gasping for air, Hiyori wiped his mouth with his sleeve.
"I'd be ok with this if I knew you weren't thinking about Nanase," he said.
Ikuya flinched and pressed himself against the opposite wall in the small entryway to his room. They were both breathing hard and he saw a tear fall down Ikuya's cheek.
"Maybe you are the one obsessed on him… you keep bringing him up!" Ikuya hissed out.
Shaking his head, Hiyori pushed off the wall and moved into his room. How could Ikuya even begin to think that? Sitting on the edge of his bed, he let Ikuya sit at the desk-neither of them said a word. The air in the room was chokeningly thick. Taking a deep breath, Hiyori looked up, seeing long lashes blink at him slowly.
"I can do this alone," Ikuya said, his voice low- though sure of himself.
With a shrug, Hiyori laid back against his headboard. "So then what about me? What if I said I couldn't?"
"That is not my concern."
Hiyori remembers the days that Ikuya smiled and laughed with him. They swam and enjoyed it. This was the Ikuya he was hoping to have with him in Tokyo. It all went wrong in Tokyo. The words Ikuya was saying bit into him deeply. Turning away, he looked at the wall. "If I am not your concern, then why are you here?"
He heard movement, then a dip in his mattress. Turning his head, Ikuya was positioning himself over him. Large eyes staring into him, Hiyori wondered what Ikuya was playing at.
"If we are neither of the other's concern-" Hiyori was cut off with a kiss. It was not gentle at all. Ikuya pressed his lips hard to his then bit down on his bottom lip. A sudden snap of his skin and he knew Ikuya had broken the skin. Hissing out, Hiyori went to push him away, put Ikuya pressed himself harder against him.
"Why must you always question so fucking much?" Ikuya growled out, then plunged his tongue deep into his mouth.
It was hard for Hiyori to ever say no to Ikuya, even when he was hurt or upset by him. Being pressed harder back, Hiyori heard the low growl from Ikuya as their bodies pressed together. It only pained him more the longer Ikuya kissed him as it was not a gentle kiss- like they normally shared. This kiss was full of anger, full of pain.
Everything in him told him to push Ikuya away, neither were in the right state for this, but another side also screamed at him to accept whatever he could from Ikuya. He didn't know when or if he would ever see that smile from Ikuya, even if he would ever hear that laughter again.
His hands grabbed to the comforter on his bed, his fist balling the material into his palms. Eyes tightly shut, he couldn't look at Ikuya- those words from earlier would always haunt him.
Ikuya was a storm he was trapped in. He wanted to take shelter and wait for it to pass, but he also wanted to be the shelter in the storm. Hands pressing hard on his chest, forcing him harder against the headboard- they both gasped when Ikuya pulled away. There was blood on his chin from where he bit his lip, both of them breathing hard as large cold eyes fixed on him. Another growl and Ikuya was launching back in, this time to his neck. Teeth sunk into his skin and Hiyori cried out.
"Ikuya!" he cried out. It really did hurt, and even if Ikuya was mad at him, this was not the way to handle it. Pressing his palms to Ikuya's chest, he pushed him back, hearing Ikuya growl at him. "That hurt."
Ikuya turned away from him, sitting at the foot of the bed. He seemed so small and vulnerable. Leaning over, Hiyori ran his hand down Ikuya's face. All he wanted was a smile from him, and that gentle side back. Cupping his cheek, Hiyori leaned in and kissed him softly. Ikuya did not kiss back, more so sat there allowing Hiyori to kiss him. Running his hands through his hair, he pulled Ikuya against him, feeling how light he was. Kissing down his neck as he leaned back, letting Ikuya settle on top of him. Hands moving down Ikuya's side, he could feel what he could not see.
"You've lost weight," he said as he pulled away from Ikuya's neck. A shrug and Ikuya was back biting at his neck, not as hard as last time, but enough that would leave angry marks. He hissed at a few of them, though the lightness of Ikuya worried him more. He couldn't take his mind off of it. "Are you eating enough?"
Ikuya sat up, straddling his lap and just stared down at him. "This is what the fuck I was saying!"
Turning his eyes away, he had always looked after Ikuya- especially when no one else was there. He was known for overworking himself and not eating enough- he could even feel that now. He didn't want to be this meddlesome, but he did truly worry.
"It is because I care," he whispered, running his hand down Ikuya's chest.
"It is because you want to control me!" Ikuya exclaimed, slapping his hand away then taking his wrist and pinning him to the mattress. "You think you can control me?"
"That was not-"
He was silenced with Ikuya's mouth- another hard kiss to make his lips swell even more than they already had. It hurt- even Ikuya's hands under his shirt, grabbing at his skin was not gentle. He was sure there would be marks tomorrow, ones he could not explain- maybe his full body swimsuit will be best.
Ikuya gasped, pulling off his mouth and started to bite his neck again. Hiyori ran his hands down Ikuya's back gently, feeling each rib more prominent than they were a week ago. Was this cause of Nanase? Had it really affected him this much?
Ikuya was never the best at taking a loss, be it in swimming or in life. He acted out- he was acting out now. Pulling at his pants, Hiyori lifted his hips as Ikuya about tore them off of him. Quickly removing his own, he grabbed for the bottle on the nightstand, coating his own fingers.
Hiyori wondered if he should stop it here, but before he could say anything, Ikuya's mouth was back on his and his finger pressing quickly into him. Crying out, Hiyori grabbed Ikuya's shirt and squeezed his eyes closed. His lip was being bit again as another finger pushed into him. "Ikuya!" he cried out again, holding his shirt tight.
They were breathing hard as their mouths touched, though not kissing. Hiyori's eyes tightly closed while Ikuya quickly worked him open. Gasping out, Hiyori felt the fingers leave his body, then Ikuya was grabbing his hip and turning him over.
He hated they still had their shirts, and Ikuya knew this- he was doing that on purpose. Hiyori liked their chest and skin to touch, be face to face… not this. Face pressed to the mattress, he felt the hands on his hips as Ikuya quickly entered him. It was not slow or gentle. Crying out again, Hiyori buried his face into the mattress, tears escaping his eyes.
Moans came from Ikuya on each hard thrust into him. Angling so each time he slammed Hiyori's prostate, his cock was heavy between his legs as their skin slapped together. Reaching under himself, he held back his sob while stroking himself.
He could only hope Ikuya was not thinking of Nanase as they did this.
A slap on his ass and he felt himself release onto his comforter, the hands on his hips gripping him only tighter. He was shaking and his body collapsed to the mattress- Ikuya grunted and thrusted a few more times, leaning over and biting his shoulder hard while emptying inside of him.
Trying to catch his breath, he felt Ikuya pull out of him, then grab for the tissues. Hiyori could only could manage just catching his breath. His head turned and he watched as Ikuya pulled his pants back on, looking over at him. A kiss on the cheek and Ikuya left without a word.
He was alone again. How did it always turn out this way? Ikuya easily accepted the other teammates and went off with them for dinner. It was him he should be going out with- like they always did.
Even as he lifted from the pool, he saw the familiar physique pass by him. Looking up, he took note how Ikuya never even glances his way.
"Are you two fighting?" one of the teammates asked.
He didn't know what was going on. Ikuya came by every night to his room- he had to wear his bodysuit more lately due to the marks left on him.
He was given a cold shoulder all day at school and swim practice. Even as they took break, Hiyori found himself alone on the benches. Grabbing his phone, he could at least look busy. He even started going by the library and getting books. This way he could pass time reading.
This was not how it was supposed to be. Their first year in college was to be their shining moments. Swimming side by side, eating out, and a few parties- that is what he had imagined.
Ikuya turning his back every time he came near, or not even acknowledging his presence was not what he ever wanted.
"You coming, Toono?" a voice called out.
When he looked up, large cold eyes met his. It was not Ikuya that asked him, it was the teammate next to him. He could tell by the glare he was getting from Ikuya that he was not wanted. Shaking his head, he turned and walked the other way.
He was use to being alone, he was like this all his childhood. The problem was, he had gotten use to having a friend. Now he had to relearn how to manage this.
His room was too dark and quiet. Laying back on the bed, he stared at the ceiling, hoping Ikuya was eating more. Here he was, wallowing in his own despair, yet he is worried is Ikuya was eating a balanced diet.
He was a masochist. That was all there was too it.
An hour later a small knock on his door. Ok, he was definitely a masochist - he knew who was there, and he knew what was going to happen.
Opening the door, Ikuya never spoke to him, but pushed him against the wall. He heard is door shut the moment Ikuya bit into his neck.
He would take Ikuya however he could have him. Maybe one day he could see him smile again.