Welcome to The Desolate Kingdom Series. TDKS consist of various frostiron angst and sorrow parts (stories) that are read individually and have no relation to each other. This is the first part.
Feast your eyes, and prep your hearts. Also, reviews are always welcome.
"Móhðy!"
"Móhðy help! Please!"
The Stark Tower was in ruins and more battleships loomed over the skies. The attack came out of nowhere and the Avengers were not prepared. They had been complacent. Another shower of bullets rained upon what remains of the Stark Tower in hopes to kill all current survivors. Their attackers are merciless. More rubble fell and clouds of dust and stone enveloped.
Loki panicked when he could no longer hear the child's voice. The dust stung his eyes. Tears fell from his eyes but he did not know if it came from the irritation or the worry.
"Loki!" The intercom in his ear buzzed. Loki had almost forgotten it was there, he had been too preoccupied. Out of the dust, Loki spotted a movement and he held his breath as he ran over; not caring for the scrapes and cuts he's giving himself.
"Help me…" A young man, couldn't have been more than twenty, reached out to Loki to which he promptly took.
"Stark? There's another one. I'm bringing him out to the others." Loki replied.
"Roger that."
Loki draped the man's arm around his neck as he hoisted the man up by his waist and began maneuvering towards the exit. His eyes darted around in search of others but as soon as he breathed in fresh air, he knew he had left the building. There was no one he could see. His heart clenched.
He dropped the man off with the other survivors where Barton and Romanoff were taking care of and dashed back into the rubbles of the Tower. Tapping on his seiðr was too dangerous when the situation is out of hand, Loki cursed. What good would it do if he had gotten gravely injured? Travelling by foot was taking up too much time.
Please be safe, Loki prayed silently. Another deafening crash sent Loki's ears ringing and another dust cloud enveloped him.
"Please!"
Loki swung his head too fast in the direction of the child's voice that caused the impending headache to hit him at full intensity. He groaned in pain as he tried to focus his gaze towards the voice. A voice he'd recognise anywhere.
"He-" The cry was cut off as a missile that shot got too close and blasted the remains of the columns next to Loki, sending him flying across the room. All light was cut off now as Loki laid in on the stone, blood trickling down from his head and the grazes from his arms burned.
"Ash!" Loki coughed as he stood up. "Ash?!"
Only his voice reverberated around what seems to be now a rock cavern. The intercom in his ear buzzed, but the frantic man couldn't comprehend any of the words. Loki tapped on the device but the sounds were full of static and sounded distant. Communication was cut off.
Loki contemplated to create a small spark of fire to roll on his hands to illuminate the place, he let out a small growl of discontent as he shook the idea away. It was too risky; the fire would spread too quickly if so much as one speck of dust caught onto the flames.
He was careful to tread and touch each and every rock cautiously; there was doubt if the structure would hold if too much force was placed on them. Another blast from outside sent more rocks crumbling into the small area, sealing off Loki from the other end.
A whimper from behind the rock wall sent Loki into a mild frenzy. "Ash? Is that you? Speak to me!"
The cry got louder and it was devastating to hear.
Loki ran his hands on the rocks, hoping to find a pin hole to look through or a footing he could step on, anything to know what's happening on the other side. "Ash? Are you hurt?"
"It hurts so much, Móhðy. I can't move."
"It's ok Ash, I'll get you out." Loki promised. "Speak to me so I know you're alright."
"I'm scared."
"It's alright," Loki assured, "Everything is going to be fine."
In truth, Loki's mind was in perturbation. He choked back a cry, he had to be strong. He tapped on the intercom in his ear to try to get it started. Aside from the occasional static, the signal stayed cut. Loki had no idea what was going on outside and the team could not obtain any status updates from Loki either. Loki's hopes of the team luring the enemy away from the vicinity were crushed when dust started pouring down from the ceiling. A loud rumbling edged closer to where Loki was and he knew at any moment, the ceiling was about to collapse.
"Ash! Brace yourself!"
When Loki gasped as he shot his eyes opened. The air was thin and Loki's lungs were burning as he tried to clear his vision. Oxygen was running out in the small space. Loki brushed off the stones from his body as he stood up, he had to crouch slightly to prevent his head from hitting the roof.
"Ash, are you still there?"
Loki's chest was tight as he wheezed in desperation of oxygen. If air was thinning out on his side… Loki shook his head, he didn't want to think about that. He had to be hopeful.
Loki pried on the rocks, other than successfully peeling his nails off his fingers and obtaining new gashes, the wall didn't budge. Loki let out a sigh of relief when he heard a cough from behind.
"Speak to me Ash."
"I can't… Breathe." A sharp gasp could be heard from beyond the wall. "My arm doesn't hurt anymore. Do you think... I'll be fine?"
"Yes, sweetheart. I'm coming for you. Just give me a second."
"Why don't grownups tell the truth?"
"I am, I promised. Remember?"
"You've been gone for a really long time, I called and I called. But you didn't answer."
He thought that he was knocked unconscious for only a moment, but from what he had heard, he might have been under for hours on end. He listened carefully and realised that he could hear nothing except for his own breathing and whimpers from beyond the wall. The fighting might have stopped, he hoped, or that they were buried too deep to hear anything.
The recent collapse of the cavern left changes to the wall structure, and to Loki's relief, he found a loose boulder. Using his body weight, the pulled on boulder and a smile broke on his face when it shifted. A pale, dusty bruised up arm laid in view and Loki felt his stomach churn. It was pressed under a pile of heavy rocks that was impossible to move, and it was clearly a lost cause.
A tear slipped down his face as he bent down to hold the small hand, on the wrist was a silver bracelet, which Loki carefully removed. He let it roll on his hand, reading the words silently before he kept them in the pocket of his tunic.
Elise Ásdís.
If he could reach her, no. When he saved her, she would lose her arm. There was no argument to that. Loki bit his lip to prevent a sob from escaping his mouth, his tears were falling uncontrollably now.
"Ash," Loki was careful to not let his voice crack, "Princess can you see me?"
Loki pushed his fingers through a crevice in the wall separating them, and Loki choked back a small laugh as he felt delicate little fingers wrap around his. He adjusted his fingers to intertwine with the smaller ones and held them tightly.
"Is daddy... Fighting the bad guys, Móhðy?"
Loki had to act quickly, even for him, breathing was getting difficult by the minute. If he could not get them oxygen soon enough, freeing his child would do him no good.
"Yes, dear. Daddy is keeping the bad guys away. He's working hard to keep us safe."
"Wh- why do the bad… Bad guys come after us?"
"I don't know, Ash. I do not know."
Loki couldn't tell her that they were superheroes and bad people were a norm. He couldn't tell her that there was evil in the world, in the universe even and that the happy, safe world she thought to live in was a lie. He couldn't bear to tell her that he was part monster, and monsters kill people. He couldn't tell her that people betrayed her father and deceived her mother, and that behind them were armies wanting them dead.
"Móhðy is going to get you some air. Can you wait here for me?"
Although Loki knew that she will not be able to go anywhere, Loki had to give her hope. That was the only thing both of them could cling onto. Loki felt the fingers go limp and he withdrew his hand. He's got to get them oxygen. Loki looked around him, his eyes might have had adjusted to the dark but it was of no use.
His lips were cracked and his throat was parched. His wheezing only got louder as he tried to push onto the wall of rocks. Nothing he was doing was working. Loki tapped on his intercom when he felt a buzz. There was a quiet beep before it went out. Frustrated, he ripped the intercom from his ears, swung it to the floor and crushed it with repeated stomps.
When Loki opened his eyes again, he was blinded by bright light and someone was shaking him roughly. He hadn't gotten any sense of his surroundings when his body was enveloped by metal. Confused, he struggled and tried to push the invader away but the person wouldn't let go.
Loki felt the person loosen his grip on him and Loki took the chance to push him away. The ringing in his ears wouldn't stop and it was driving him mad. He brought his hands to his head and gripped his hair so tightly he could have ripped them right out of his scalp, but it did help to ease the ache in his head.
The person in front of him knelt down to Loki's eye level and he was met with a bruised face. Brown eyes met green, and although Loki could see the man's mouth moving, the pain in his head was overwhelming he couldn't hear a thing.
"Tony?"
Loki was shocked at his own voice. It was rasped and it burned his throat to speak. The man nodded. Loki pushed himself to sit upright and was tackled by a wave of nausea. The others weren't here. There was only a gaping hole above his head and Stark in his battered armour with him. That's when he remembered the battle.
He hadn't noticed that he passed out. But the look in Tony's eyes was questioning. He was hoping. And Loki knew that he hadn't found her. Loki turned his head and gazed behind Tony, he balled his fists and scrambled to a stand.
He held his breath as tears sprung in his eyes. He had failed another promise. He hadn't kept her safe, not until she's back in his arms. Tony was murmuring words of comfort. They had won, the enemy was defeated and none of the team was hurt beyond cure. A handful of them were escorted into the emergency rooms of the medical wing, but they'll live.
Loki placed his hand on the rock where there was a crevice before. The hole was sealed now; even the broken arm was crushed further by the rubble and hidden from sight.
A small thud was heard, followed by rumbling as small stones and boulders were shifted out of the way. He turned around to see Tony with a determine look in his eyes. The fight was not over yet. Not for them. Behind him, Rogers was limping towards them, Romanoff and Banner were supporting each other as they climbed over the ruins. Thor looked down upon them from above, he too, was worn out and littered with injuries.
Loki inhaled deeply, his lungs burning as they took in the much needed oxygen, and began to peel and pluck at the rocks. There was only silence between them as the others joined Loki in getting to the other side of the wall.
His fingers were raw and bleeding once more, leaving trails of blood as his hands raked across the wall. He was inscrutable as he worked, and his heart lifted when he saw the beaten arm expose itself from a boulder he had removed. He bent forward to hold the cold, stiff arm in his hands before proceeding to scrape at the ruins that laid on it.
It was Thor who managed to break the wall loose and pieces of wreckage rained down on them. The sight on the other side shattered Loki's heart. It wasn't a cavern like it had been before; the small space had been filled with the collapsed ceiling, presumably occurred sometime when Loki had been knocked out by the lack of oxygen.
"Ash?" His voice cracked under the hidden emotion.
Tony was frozen in shock as Loki was kneeling on the floor as he desperately pulled at the rocks. "Ash, speak to me."
"I am here, I am here." Loki chanted. "Ash, we will get you out. Your Móhðy is here, Ash. Daddy is here too."
Piece by piece, Loki removed the rubble and tears hit the rocks with a rhythmic splash. Loki didn't care to hold his emotions anymore. He was too afraid of what he was uncovering. Part of him already knew, part of him wanted to push away all aspects of reality and believe that this wasn't her; that she was safe and far away from the war than fell upon them just moments before.
Tony knelt beside Loki and wrapped one arm around him in consolation. Using his free arm, he too, began pulling pieces of debris free.
"Ásdís. Princess, please." Loki begged. "Say something."
Loki removed the final piece of stone that covered the child's face. Loki had to turn to his side as he emptied the contents of his stomach. Even when there was nothing left to throw up, he heaved and gagged. The rancid smell of vomit hit his nose and he could hear Tony retching beside him as well.
His vision was blurred as tears fell uncontrollably from his eyes; his hands mechanically moved the remaining wreckage away to free the small body below. With shaky hands, Loki pulled the body into his embrace and cuddled her fondly.
The child's face was crushed in and one of her eyes popped out. Her once cherub face was stained with dried blood and her jaw was dislocated. Her body was beaten and battered and purple with bruises. Her chest lay still as her lungs no longer required oxygen. She was dead.
Loki's little girl had been stolen right out from his hands. She was dead; murdered by merciless people. All of the pain from the bruises that littered his body didn't hurt anymore, not like how his heart did. Loki let out the most heart-wrenching cry that no one could ever compete.
Her last words had been riddled with fear and confusion; it was more than what a child of four years should bear. "Móhðy, why do the bad guys come after us?"
Loki shot up from his bed and groaned as his body screamed in pain. The soreness was very real and sweat dripped down his face, his night clothes were already clad onto his sweaty skin and he panted for air. Loki brought his hands to his face and realised that he was already crying.
Loki drew his knees up towards his chest and buried his face in them, not caring that his wails were becoming vocal. The memory was too fresh and vivid, like it had happened just hours before. Loki hugged his knees closer and clenched his toes under the blanket in raw emotion. His fingers unconsciously fiddling with the bracelet on his right wrist.
He stayed in bed for a while as he stilled his emotions. Resting the side of his face on his knees to get some air, he noticed that he was alone in the big bed. Loki brushed the tears from his face and climbed out of bed. He didn't have to look, Loki walked straight to the balcony in the room.
The first sight that caught Loki's eyes was the pieces of glass shattered across the floor. The star light reflected from the glass into his gaze. It was a beautiful night. But neither Loki nor Tony was enjoying the moment.
Tony was leaning on the railings, a bottle of malt in his hands as he stared into the clear, open sky. With his back facing him, Loki didn't expect Tony to acknowledge his presence, but before he could walk away, he heard Tony speak. "Couldn't sleep?"
"No."
"Me neither."
"I dreamt of her."
Tony turned around to face Loki. His face was wrinkled and sunken in and there were dark circles around his eyes. It was evident that he had gone through days on end without sleep again. "You've been crying."
Tony was trying to avoid speaking directly about Ash, and Loki couldn't blame him. Since the funeral, Tony seemed cut off from everyone else. It was as if the closure of his daughter's death closed the doors to his heart as well.
"Come and drink with me."
Loki clenched his fists and furrowed his brows. Choosing to avoid the topic about Ásdís was one thing, choosing not to deal with her death was another issue entirely. Loki was furious that Tony refused to admit that their daughter was gone. She was murdered! And all he wanted was to do was drink!
"No."
Tony shrugged and raised his bottle towards Loki before chugging down the drink down to the very last drop. Tony loosened the grip on the bottle till only the neck was hanging between his fingers. His forlorn figure turned away from Loki, before raising the bottle with his hands and forcefully swung it down to the floor with a loud crash. With the same wavering hand, Tony reached for another bottle and opened it.
"Will you stop drinking?" Loki was infuriated. It wasn't fair that Tony could choose to forget and run away from his issues by drinking. It wasn't fair that he could hide in his workshop for days on end and avoid all forms of human contact. It wasn't fair that Tony could choose whenever to return to the bed that they shared, leaving Loki alone to deal with his self-loathing.
And the dreams just wouldn't stop! They kept coming back and it was driving Loki crazy. They were haunting him, reminding him how very weak he was, how easily crushable his soul was, how easily breakable his mind was. And Tony didn't seem to be sharing as much pain as he was. To Loki, it looked as if with some tinkering and alcohol, Tony could choose to set his mind on other things.
But Tony wasn't there with Ásdís in the wreckage. Tony wasn't the one who had failed to protect their daughter. Tony wasn't the one who had to give false hope to the frightened little girl. Tony wasn't the one who found their child pinned down by the boulders on the arm, helpless and injured. Tony wasn't the one who heard her cries of confusion.
Tony spared a glance towards Loki as he brought the bottle to his lips and he blinked slowly as he took a big gulp, ignoring Loki's words.
"Stop it!" Loki yelled. "Just stop it!"
Loki was enraged as he stomped across the balcony to snatch the bottle from Tony's hands and flung it onto the ground, not caring how the broken shards of glass pierce and tear into the sole of his feet. His bloodshot eyes welled up with fresh tears as he did. "Anthony! Don't you have a heart?!" Loki jabbed his finger into Tony's chest but he didn't manage to elicit a response from the man.
Tony stayed limp in Loki's grasp as the he hoisted Tony by the shoulders and shook him vigorously. "Have you no care for anything else other than drinking yourself mindless?" Loki pulled the man closer and stared him in the eyes. They were red, Loki noticed, and the below the eyelids were stained with dried tears. He'd been crying. "How can you push it away so easily?"
Tony struggled in Loki's grip and pushed the man away, knocking Loki out of his breath. His fist was balled and ready to strike. "How can I push what away?!" Tony's breathing was harsh and his voice was raspy. "You think that this is easy for me?!"
"You clearly don't seem to care at all. Maybe you never did!"
"What do you want me to do then?!"
"Your daughter is dead!"
"Precisely! And what would you have me do?! Sit around and mope all day? Like you? Wake up Loki, Ásdís is gone! She's dead. We can't do anything about it-"
Tony's sentence was cut off as Loki landed a punch onto his face. Pain shot up Tony's face as a gush of fluid oozed out from his nose; and he knew that instant that it was broken. Tony stepped back unsteadily as he grasped the railings with one hand to stabilize himself and the other to wipe the blood off his face. "What the fuck Loki!"
"Do not speak of our daughter in that manner!"
Tony scrunched up his face. The blood didn't stop flowing as it started to stain the front of his shirt and put together with his unkempt hair, Tony looked like a wreck. "What do you fucking want me to do?! I am dealing with her death! Are you?!" Tony's face was flushed as he glared at Loki. "Well? Are you?!"
"I am trying!"
"Well, try harder!"
"You weren't with her when she died! Neither of us were there when she needed us the most! Tell me, is that what superheroes do nowadays?!"
"Don't give me shit on that Loki. You know that we've done all that we could. There was no avoiding that."
"Why do you keep pushing her away?"
"I'm not. People die every day, get a grip on yourself."
Loki pranced on Tony, nearly knocking him over as he blew another punch to his face. Tony grunted as the fist struck his cheek, pain erupted at contact and a burning sore enveloped his face. "Fuck." Tony growled as he struggled in Loki's grasp.
Sounds of grunts and yelps and glass rang as the men were entangled in fight. "You were always the intelligent one!" Tony hollered, "So why can't you see past this!"
"You don't know how it feels!"
"Yeah?! You think that I don't?! I can't keep my eyes closed for more than a second without seeing her battered up face! I can't sit in a moment of silence without imagining her laugh! Loki! I'd always turn around, hoping to see her there! But she isn't! Ok?"
Tony inhaled deeply and looked up at Loki, who had pinned him to his chair. "Don't you dare think for a moment that it doesn't affect me as it does to you." Tony watched as Loki bit the bottom of his lip as he stopped his fist from raining down Tony's bruised face. The silver bracelet on Loki's wrist reflected the bright moonlight into his eyes.
Tony wasn't thinking straight, neither of them were. And Tony didn't know why, but he ripped the bracelet off Loki and held it between them. Tony had made this down in his workshop. It belonged to their daughter; she was gleaming with joy when she took it in her tiny hands and since then she had never wanted to take it off.
It was his way of dealing, or maybe it was just the anger of the moment, but Tony did the dumbest thing ever; he flung the bracelet off the tower.
"No!"
Dismay flashed in Loki's eyes as he dropped Tony and reached for the band which slipped past his finger tips. Tony pulled him back, however Loki would not have any of it as he shoved him off and leapt off the tower after the accessory.
"LOKI!"
Tony scrambled to his feet and threw himself against the railings; his heart dropped as he watched Loki fall. "JARVIS! Deploy the suit! NOW!" And Tony vaulted after him.
Tony was blowing curses when he felt the suit encase him and JARVIS came online. Loki was falling way too fast and Tony feared for a moment that he had sentenced Loki to death. He powered his thrusters and sped up. "Come on!" It was a drastic forty-five storey drop from their bedroom and if Tony missed, the janitors will be spending their night wiping brain and blood from the concrete.
"Loki!"
If Loki did hear Tony at all, he didn't respond. Tony felt his heart jump into his mouth as Loki went from spread eagle position into a curled ball; and the change of position accelerated the falling process. "JARVIS! Thrusters at full power!"
The situation was bleak. The ground was coming closer at an alarming rate and even with the suit going at maximum speed, Loki was still out of reach. The number of floors left before Loki would crash into the ground was reducing.
Seven.
Six.
Five.
Four.
Three.
Two.
Tony squeezed his eyes shut when he reached out for the man beneath him and pulled up. He broke into a smile whilst panting heavily in his suit when he felt a weight pulling on his arms. When he set them as gently as he could back on the ground, Loki shoved him away and turned his back to him. Tony drew back his helmet as he watched Loki take staggering steps back to the tower. Tony let out short huffs as adrenaline coursed through his body. "Don't you pull a stunt like that again!" Loki disregarded Tony's words as he entered the tower.
Loki sat dazed on the couch in the Avenger's common room. He couldn't go back to their room, not after how Tony blatantly displayed his displeasure with him and especially with Ásdís.
"Ásdís. I like the name Ásdís."
"Do you know what it means?"
"Of course I do!" Tony wore a bright smile as he spun around to face Loki. "It means Goddess in old norse!"
Loki chuckled. Tony wouldn't calm down from his excitement since the revelation of the baby's gender. "Had I known you'd be this happy, I would have told you sooner."
Tony's face was covered in grease and his hands were black with soot. "Ya kidding me?" He laughed as he wiped the sweat off his forehead, "When I dated you three years ago, I didn't even think this was possible!"
"Hey, Loki?"
Loki was broken out of a trance he didn't know he fell into and jumped into a defensive pose when he felt a hand land on his shoulder.
"Hey! Hey! It's just me!" The accused raised both his hands above his head and stepped back to show submission but when he realised that Loki wasn't responding, he knew it better than to make physical contact with the man again. Loki had become unpredictable when he had an episode and that made him dangerous.
They had found out soon after that Loki's gaze would follow their movements, the only difference was that 'his brain can't tell the difference between reality and dreams' Banner had said, like he was stuck in a delirious state.
"Loki?"
They could only wait it out; it usually didn't take long for Loki to snap out of it. Banner sunk down deliberately slowly into the chair without breaking eye contact; and Loki's eyes followed him.
"Do you want to get that checked out?" Banner asked as he pointed to Loki's feet.
Loki glanced down at his feet and his eyes lingered there. "Banner."
"Yes."
"I was at it again, wasn't I."
It wasn't a question. Loki knew he was getting psychotic episodes. He had almost tore off Banner's arm once and the poor man still had a bandage over the wound to prove it. Bruce wore long sleeves to conceal the damage but Loki still blamed himself for the injury.
Bruce gave Loki a smile as he patted his black case which he had brought in with him. "Let me have a look."
Loki wiggled his toes and winced at the pain that coursed through his feet before raising a questioning brow.
"Tony sent me."
The scowl Loki gave upon the mentioning of Tony's name did not go unnoticed.
"Also, I don't want bloodied footprints all over the place." Bruce pointed to the floor. "You will be giving others some nightmares."
Loki didn't bother to turn around to look; he resigned into the seat as Bruce cautiously reached out for his feet. Loki helpfully lifted his legs for the doctor. It didn't matter to him that his feet was caked in blood, but he knew Bruce minded when he heard the man sigh.
As gently as he could, Bruce pried the broken pieces of glass from Loki's foot, frowning apologetically when the man winced. Fresh blood trickled down the already bruised foot.
"The blood has dried. We are going to need to scrub them off. It's going to hurt."
"Just do it anyway."
"Loki you have to be more careful."
"I know." Loki whispered. "It's just…" Loki had his face scrunched up as he pinched the bridge of his nose. He usually didn't let his feelings show no matter how difficult the situation, at least not to anyone other than Tony. Not to mention, Loki has grown on the team having spent most of his time around them. "Won't happen again." He knew that this wouldn't be the last, he will fight with Tony again, and they will resort to violence again. This wasn't something you could kiss and make up and forget.
"You should speak with him." Banner said as he begun cleansing the injuries with a cloth that smelled heavily of antiseptics. "He mourns too."
"If you are referring to Tony."
"Of course," Bruce added. "He loves you. You shouldn't doubt that."
The truth was, he didnt. He really hadn't doubted Tony for one bit. Yes, Tony can be a jerk, but that was his jerk to love and spoil. And Tony loved Ásdís as much as he did, if not more. He'd spoiled the child rotten; thankfully little Ash never did pick up terrible manners and defiance from that. It had only been a couple of days since the accident, and the both of them had had more arguments than when they had first met.
Loki hissed as Banner pulled tightly on the white linen he was wrapping his foot with and the doctor smiled apologetically. He began his work with the other foot. "These should heal pretty soon. You are lucky that the cuts weren't too deep."
"We fought over her."
Banner let out a small smile and stayed silent. Loki needed this. Sometimes the way to heal a broken heart wasn't by force, nor will it work by ignoring the situation completely. Loki needed to get it off his shoulders. He needed to say the words on his own accord at his own pace. The tension in the tower was tense in the past week. Tony had the best engineers work on the repairs the night the tower was brought to crumbles and in just short seven days, it stood erect in New York City as if the incident had never happened.
"They came out of nowhere and we weren't prepared." Loki stared down at his shuddering hands. "It had never dawned upon us that they would attack us here. Right here at home! And after Ash, we never laid weapons near her. We had been complacent. It was my fault."
She'd be surrounded by an elite team of superheroes, and she was never let out of sight, JARVIS made sure of her safety when no one was around. Ash was kept in reins with the best security in America and probably of the whole world. So how could this have happened?! This nightmare was supposed to be fool-proof, it was never to happen. It couldn't…
"Hey hey nobody's blaming anyone here." Bruce intervened. "Deep breaths Loki, deep breaths."
Loki clutched his chest as he fell over on his side and wheezed. His knees were brought up to his chest and he had his head tucked. "I… I can't breathe!"
"I know," Bruce pulled Loki into an upright position, "Head between your knees, come on Loki. Put your head between your knees."
"W-what's happening to me?"
"It's ok. That's it." Banner sat beside him as he draped an arm over the man. "You'll be fine. You're doing good."
"Am I?"
"It'll pass."
"It isn't easy."
"No. But if anyone can, it's you. It's you and Tony."
Loki felt a warm hand pat him on his shoulder and squeeze in encouragement and support. He looked up at Banner who was prepared to leave.
"Speak to him. It'll do you both good." Bruce smiled down at him. "He's taking it pretty hard you know. He blames himself for it."
Loki said nothing as Banner turned away and left him alone.
The sky was dark outside as large clouds covered the sun. So much rain was falling that the sound blurred into one long whirring noise. Of course, Tony would have noticed that if he weren't cooped up in his workshop, ACDC music blasting away in the background. And he probably would never have noticed if not for the resounding laugh that broke into his room. JARVIS turned the music down and Tony could hear a squishing, tapping noise above the music.
"Daddy!"
Tony was smiling so wide that it was practically splitting his face. He wiped his grime stained hands onto a cloth nearby and opened his arms wide as he squatted down. A little girl, dripping from head to toe and leaving a trail of water as she hobbled over in her boots, dove into Tony's welcoming arms.
"Daddy it is raining!"
"Is that why you are drenched?"
"Uh-huh! But Móhðy didn't let me jump in the big puddles." The girl pouted, "They make big splashes!" She threw her arms out to emphasize on the word.
"Now, is that the way to talk about your Móhðy?"
Tony and the child turned their heads towards the silky voice. Loki leaned by the doorway with his arms crossed. His eyebrows were raised and his lips were upturned into a frown.
"Hey Lokes, you look like a drowned rat."
Tony caught the subtle smile Loki tried to hide from the tip of his lips. Ash wiggled about in Tony's embrace and sneezed.
"JARVIS turn the AC down." Tony called out.
"That won't be needed." Loki said. "What were you supposed to do after we came home Ash?"
"Say hello to Daddy?"
"You've done that. What else?"
Ásdís was getting fidgety, Tony suppressed a chuckle, she'd always do that when she got nervous. Tony ruffled her damp locks as she looked into Loki's gaze before sneezing again.
"You are creating a mess in Daddy's workshop." Loki pointed to the growing puddle of water underneath the girl.
"I have to get changed?"
Ash leapt to her feet when she saw Loki smile and dashed towards him. "No running, Princess. We don't want any accidents." The child halted in her steps and slowly made her way to him. "You go along, I'll be there in a jiffy."
Tony chuckled when the child disappeared behind the doors and Loki uncrossed his arms to brush his hair. "What?"
"You spoil her."
"She deserves to be spoilt!"
Tony stood up as Loki strode to him and held him in an embrace. "You were gawking. Did you miss me already?"
"Every moment." Tony placed a chaste kiss on Loki's lips. "You need a shower too."
As if reading his mind, Loki laughed. "Not together, Ash is waiting. Perhaps, tonight." Loki kissed him before he could protest.
Tony grabbed a screwdriver and turned the screw in to ensure that the lock was safe. He looked up at the exploded view JARVIS laid out for him, so save for a slight fix, he's almost done. He thought that he was done with weapons manufacturing, he'd convinced himself that all these weren't weapons, just like the Iron Man suit wasn't a weapon. These are defensives, they protect. But who was he kidding, what's a defense on one side of war is seen as a weapon of the other. He wiped the sweat off his face and laid back in his chair as he gulped down his coffee. Though the air conditioning was blasting, his shirt clung onto him tightly in perspiration.
He had one of the screens showing Loki's positions in the tower. He wasn't stalking the guy, he was just worried. Pissed off at first, but he had almost lost him earlier that night. Jeez, he was supposed to be the master of intellect, like a crazy smart genius like Tony was. Not to mention Loki was somewhat an alien, some weirdo from another realm? Alien.
Tony didn't have the audio on, but Bruce was with Loki. Like his partner, Tony was constantly reminded by the loss of their child. Memories kept resurfacing like they happened only yesterday. Most of her things were destroyed during the attack and Tony had kept what little was salvageable. He hated himself. Seconds before the Stark tower was brought to the ground, Loki had yelled for help. Tony hadn't even bothered to bite back his retort.
"I'm a little busy here!"
And he left it at that. He was occupied. So was everyone. Every one of them was out in the field, taking down the enemies and bringing staff and civilians to safety, but he had been too busy to spare a minute to get his daughter to safety. Priorities. He could only holler for Loki as the building collapsed with his partner and child still residing within.
Tony massaged his left wrist, it was still sore. He had fractured it in that split moment he was distracted. Neither of them knew the enemy, it was a merge between some kind of robot and some kind of living creature. Tony doubted that it originated from Earth. When SHIELD retrieved the wreckage in the aftermath of the battle for analysis in their super secret lab, which Tony managed to hack into, he found out that the creatures had the same data as recorded from the Chitauri many years back.
The news didn't sit well with the team, especially Loki. If possible, he was more on edge than before. The team mourned for Ásdís but the revelation of the enemy brought distraught and pandemonium upon them. Why did they come back? What was their motive? Why target them? Needless to say, while Tony blamed himself for the passing of little Ash, Loki condemned himself for it.
Tony glanced at the screen once more, Loki had his head between his knees as he gasped for air while Bruce had a hand on his back. Panic attacks. Tony knew how those felt at the back of his hand. Frustrated, he threw his mug across the room, smashing one of his glass doors in the process. He buried his head in his hands and screamed. Only when his tears wet his palms that it dawned upon him that he was crying.
"JARVIS locate Bruce, I'm gonna need another dose."
"At the rate you are consuming the pills, Sir, I'm afraid that the medication is turning out to be more harmful than your apparent lack of sleep."
Life liked to fuck with him.
Tony didn't see Loki again for the next few days. He wasn't mindfully avoiding him, then again, he hadn't left his workshop either. He had the glass door fixed at least twice since his fight with Loki and Tony wasn't sure why he bothered to get it repaired in the first place. He'd just smash it again and again. No one comes down here anyways, except Loki, but even he had stopped the visits. It's better this way. Talking about what they had been through would only make it worse. Much safer to completely ignore it.
And he believed that for a while. Until Thor threw him out the window.
What was the deal with Asgardians and throwing people out of windows?!
Thor was infuriated with Tony for many reasons. Thor found loitering Loki in the kitchen with both his feet bandaged up to the ankles; scrawny and pale; eye bags so dark that it'd put the night sky to shame; eyes red from fatigue and crying. That was not what he had expected after coming back from Asgard. Loki was so frail that he knees gave way while making his way to Thor. Or maybe he was appalled by Thor's sudden appearance. After some hassling, Loki finally gave in and allowed Thor to lead him back to his room to rest.
"Where's Stark?!" Thor bellowed, his hands balled into fists and ready to strike.
"Don't know." Loki shrugged.
"Do not defend him Brother."
"I'm not." Loki groaned, "Leave me alone."
"Loki, if he had hurt or wronged-"
"But he hasn't!" Loki interrupted. "He hasn't done anything wrong."
"I will get to the bottom of this. If I find that he had hurt you in the slightest, he will feel my wrath."
"I told you that he has done nothing," Loki growled in annoyance. "Now Brother mine, will you leave me to some peace and quiet?"
According to big brother Thor, Tony Stark had done Loki wrong on so many levels. When Loki said that Tony had done nothing, he meant that Tony had done literally nothing. He didn't come to bed, or lunch, or check on Loki, not face to face at least. Thor found Tony in the living room staring out the window.
"Stark!"
Tony flinched at the voice and turned around, wearing a smile too bright that could only fool himself. He looked miserable as he was. "Hey. How's space?"
"I am not here to speak about Asgard, which is doing fine by the way. I am here because of Loki."
"Uh, yeah. Of course, your brother. What about him?"
"He's weak. And injured."
"Yeah about that." Tony mused, "Don't you think it's because we've just lost someone?"
"That's exactly why you should be paying more attention to him, should you not?!" Thor was raising his voice now and Tony didn't stand down. If anything, he looked like a tough horse standing his ground.
"Well, Loki's not a child anymore if you didn't notice anything above 'my baby brother' statement." Tony even brought his hands up to exaggerate on the quotation marks. "He's an adult now, he doesn't need coddling."
Thor picked up a vase and flung it at Tony. He doesn't realise it but dark clouds were beginning to draw near the Stark tower. "You don't know anything about him! At ten years, Loki went missing. No one could find him, not even Heimdall."
"The guy who sees everything?"
"Yes."
"How do you know it was not a trick? Your brother is the God of Mischief. It's his forte. Even you said so."
"Yes. But this was different. He was missing for weeks, Mother and Father had lost hope that he was alive. The suburbs of the palace was no place for a child, much less for a young Prince. People plot evil things, Stark, things so evil that-" Thor stopped himself and shuddered involuntarily.
"When Loki turned up at the palace doors', we couldn't believed that he had returned home to us. He looked worse than a bilesnipe hung up for slaughter. He wouldn't tell us where he was, or who did those to him. He was never the same afterwards."
"What happened to him after he came home?" Tony felt bile rise up to his mouth, how could anyone do this to a child?!
"Loki was traumatized, he was in the early days, an emotional child. But after that, he was different, so changed. Never shed a tear again." Thor explained. "Not until Father told him he was adopted."
"Yeah I've heard. He went crazy from rejection blah blah killed his biological dad and tried to destroy his icyland of a hometown, and he tried to rule Earth as well." Tony blabbered.
"Stark. Even family couldn't mend his broken heart. But you did." Thor said. "He shed tears over you. I have never seen him so happy, the tears he shed were of joy. And he did it for you. With you. You saved my brother."
Tony mouth was dry and he shuffled about. Turns out he was fidgety when he was nervous, this might be an inheritable trait.
"I respected you. As a brother in arms, and as my brother's saviour. I need to hear you say that Loki's new found injuries weren't your doing."
"I can't."
"Stark."
"I can't. Because I did that to him."
"And you were never by his side?"
"No. I haven't seen him in days."
Thor balled his fists as he bared his teeth. Dark clouds outside started to rumble warning of the impending storm. "I trusted you."
The last thing Tony saw was a weakened Loki lingering by the doors before his back hit the glass window and he was falling. Thor had flung him out the very window Loki did to him the first time they met. So Tony learnt it the hard way. Ignorance was definitely not a bliss.
"TONY!" Loki staggered to the window only to be held back by his brother. "Why?!"
"He hurt you."
"Let me go!" Loki pushed Thor off but when it didn't work, he started frantically scratching and punching him. "TONY!"
"What is wrong with you?!"
"What is wrong with me? Loki you are blinded."
"As are you! I've killed Ásdís, now I've killed Tony too." Loki cried as he slowed his beatings onto Thor. "I couldn't save both of them."
"Loki-"
"He is nothing but a mortal!" Loki's eyes were cold with anger as he shouted at Thor. "And now he's gone too."
"Loki this isn't your fault."
"Right. It's yours." Loki blamed. "You knew that my seiðr was only good for illusions and tricks. I can't save-"
"Hey! Your magic is as good as a weapon as any."
"Get away from me." Loki whispered, and this time, Thor listened.
Over the claps of thunder, a soft engine rumbling that Loki had gotten so used to over the years could be heard.
"Hey Point Break!"
Tony's bright red and gold metal suit stood out in the rain as he raised his gauntlet and aimed it at Thor. In the next millisecond, Loki was blinded by bright light before everything went dark.
When Loki woke again, he was in the comfort of his warm sheets and soft pillow that smelled of Tony. He sat up on the bed and sighed. It wasn't unexpected that he'd be alone, but it didn't stop him from hoping that Tony would be there.
His feet hurt less and the bandages felt softer than they were when caked in blood. Banner must have changed it when he was unconscious then. Loki shuffled out of the blankets but before he could lay his feet onto the cold stone floor, Tony emerged with a glass of water.
"You're up."
Loki's heart ached. Not too long ago, he thought that Tony had died and his first thought after he awaken was to see Tony, but why was he avoiding eye contact? He felt his heart torn two ways, he wanted to pull Tony into an embrace and whisper sweet nothings into his ear, yet another part of him wanted to distance himself.
Tony sat down beside him and held the drink to his lips. "Here, drink this. Bruce said you were dehydrated and you need more fluids in you."
Loki closed his eyes and took a sip. The water tasted good on his parched lips and Loki found himself drinking quickly. Soon, the glass was empty and as Tony set it aside, none of them spoke after for quite a while.
The bonds between them were splitting apart; not as strong as before and it while the primary reason was regretfully due to the passing of Ash, Loki felt that it didn't have to be. They could work things out, like they had done before; things always almost turned out alright in the end. However the situation was different now. Loki couldn't forgive himself and all the pent up rage befell on his partner. The stress build up between both of them was enough to tear them apart.
Perhaps that was best. Maybe they were never meant to be. They were blessed with happiness for a short while, they were even gifted a brilliant child in this lifetime, what more could Loki ask for? Monsters weren't loved, they didn't deserve contentment. So why was he special? Maybe because, he was not. It was all a ruse. The joy, Ash, Tony, all of these were traps to lure him in! And fall he did when they were all stolen from him. He fell hard.
Loki turned away from Tony and stood up. He took careful steps, testing his strength before he headed for the doors.
"Where are you going? I've locked this level down, the others can't come in here." Tony said.
"I'm going to join them on the other side."
"You need rest."
"And rest I will, in my quarters downstairs."
"Loki, this is your room." Tony insisted. "This is your bed. Our bed."
"And it's truly all yours now."
"Loki, what are you saying?" Confusion painted all over Tony's face. "Why?"
"We can't do this anymore." Loki stated. "Avoiding each other, fighting, it's pointless trying to hold on."
"Lokes, we can do this together."
"Yes we can. We'll work this out, but it's not going to happen with me staying here with you."
"Loki." Tony's voice broke, "I need you to stay."
"I'm not going away. I'm still on the team; I'll still be residing in the tower."
"I love you."
"And I, you."
Tears were streaming down his face and he could see that Tony was the same. They were both tugging on thin thread, neither wanted to be the first to move.
"This floor will always be open for you." Tony finally spoke, "And I will be waiting. Until you are ready."
"I'm sorry."
As Loki closed the door shut, he leaned back and held a hand over his eyes as tears pour uncontrollably. Behind him, soft playing tune could be heard. It was Ash's lullaby. There was a loud crash followed by Tony's hoarse scream. Loki clenched his fists and walked away. Things were never going to be like before.
Ash was holding onto her parents hands as they walked down the sandy white beach. The sea breeze messed up her brown locks, but she wore a bright smile on her face. The picture was the embodiment of bliss. Her eyes opened wide in awe as a gull swooped down and caught a fish. Loki smiled. She looked like Tony, chocolate hair and brown eyes. She was perfect.
"Ash would you like an ice cream?" Tony asked.
"No. I wish for this!"
"This?" Both Tony and Loki's curiosity piqued.
"Uh huh. I wish for us to be happy and together forever and ever!" Ash swung her parents hands as she looked up at both of them. "Like now!"
Tony beamed as he lifted her up into his arms. "We will be princess." Tony promised as he pinched her little nose, eliciting a laugh from the child.
"Ash, do you know what Elise means?" Loki asked, but when the child shook her head, he continued. "It's an oath. And Ásdís means-"
"Goddess." Tony interrupted with a cheeky smile.
"So you, Elise Ásdís Stark, are an oath to goddess we will prevail." Loki replied as he kissed his daughter's forehead.
"So it's a promise!" Ash proclaimed, "Móhðy and Daddy and me!"
"Promise is a big word princess." Loki chuckled.
"And I'm a big girl now. I can keep it!" Ash defended.
Tony and Loki chuckled as they pecked the child's cheek. "Of course." How difficult could it be? Families of three walk down the very same path every hour, every day. Only in memories do things remain exactly the same.
His hands were clasped together and he closed his eyes while facing the starry night sky. Both in their individual rooms, oblivious to each other as they let the starlight engulf them.
"I wish for this."