Smooth Sailing

by The Archer Black

Overlord, Airachnid and Decepticon Justice Division on one planet and in one town. Luxurious, stolen yacht, space ship dealers, pub and a game of Lob in the background. Ratem M just in case of Tesarus' foul mouth. My stories are available exclusively on my official accounts on , dA, AO3, Tumblr.

Smooth Sailing.

"It's all in motion

No stoppin' now

I've got nothin' to lose

And only one way up

I'm burning bridges

I destroy the mirage

Oh, visions of collisions

Fuckin' bon voyage

It's all smooth sailing

From here on out

I got bruises and hickies

Stitches and scars

Got my own theme music

It plays wherever I are (…)"– Queens of the Stone Age "Smooth Sailing".

Warnings: Violence, explicit language, maybe some sex (but I'm not sure) – you know, the usual.

Timing: Post season 2 finale, in my very own Beauty of the Beast Prime timeline.

Rating: T to M (and possibly even MA).

Pairings: none, at least not romantic one.

Disclaimer: Transformers Prime © Hasbro. Story's plot and OC's © me. There may be some OC's that aren't mine – they belong to their respective creators.

oOo

Planet McColamo, Quintesson 1) Pangalactic Co-Prosperity Sphere territory.

The docks of planet McColamo were vast and their polished metallic surfaces resembled the Hydrax Plateau space port, at least they did to Tarn of the D. J. D. Of course there were differences too. The colour of the metal was different, Hydrax Plateau space port held many more shades of metallic surfaces. The lighting was different; the surrounding Sea of Rust caused all to have this orange hue due while on McColamo the white light of equatorial sun made everything look like polished aluminium and chrome. But it still was similar enough to make the masked mech a little sentimental for a moment.

The moment lasted just enough for the Peaceful Tyranny to dock. The Decepticon Justice Division was back on the hunt, their list now longer by one position and one that made it to the very top. In practice it didn't change a lot, only that instead of actively looking for Overlord, they would be actively looking for Airachnid while extremely punishing any other Decepticon from their list unlucky enough to run into them on their way.

At the moment they were having a short recess in their duty. Reasons behind it were most trivial: they needed to refuel and restock their ship. It was regretful but unavoidable necessity.

One of the ways to utilise such 'shore leaves' was to gather some information. Various bounty hunters bulletins were good source of intel, same as plain old news channels – both available only in populated areas such as planets and space stations. They also enjoyed opportunity to relax and feel some solid ground under their pedes.

Planet McColamo was conveniently along their way and even more fortunately it was accepting mechanic and techno-organic life forms which was not a surprise since it was Quintesson territory and Quintessons themselves were largely techno-organic life forms though no one really knew how much of that was their original nature and how much it was their own doing. And while Quintessons and Cybertronians didn't hold much love for each other due to their painful and complicated history2), Quintessons weren't fussy about where their money came from (or to be more exact, where the money of their tax-payers came from). And Cybertronians, or in this case, Tarn and his merry band of sadists wasn't fussy about who they paid to as long as they get their ship restocked and tanked full.

oOo

Planet McColamo, someplace else.

The fat, pink Skuxxoid3) hummed a bit as he looked at the big, luxurious yacht the two shady Cybertronians showed him. They looked like a nasty couple, but he wasn't really sure if they were. One could never be sure with them robots. Chances were that if they looked like nice young married couple or whatever they called it, they were in fact two psychopaths on the run from authorities. Or they could have been just harmless thieves. Well, he was sure they were thieves because they offered him stolen yacht. And he knew that particular yacht, because it was stolen and re-sold at least once before, and he was the fencer who handled it previously.

"I can give you... humm humm humm, say this much." He typed something on his tablet and showed the two Cybertronians.

"I can give you a kick in the arse." Said the large, blue mech. "This is a price for a small, one engine single ship. This here is an ultra-luxury class yacht for four with six engines, and trust me, we have tested it."

"Don't worry; I will remove the stains later." The Skuxxoid waved his hand trying not to imagine how they tested it.

"Give me that." The smaller femme took the tablet from the Skuxxoid and typed something. "We want this much and not a centime 4) less."

"Oh no no no. You see, this is a stolen yacht. I will have costs, I will have to legalise it and that costs."

"You can make up for it later in the sale price." The femme didn't look like she would allow any discussion on the subject.

"If I'll get the price too high no one will buy it. You may say what you want but the wealthier they are the more cheap they become." The trader raised his hands in defensive way but the faces of the two Cybertronians didn't look like they were convinced. "Tell you what, I'll give you this much..." He typed something on his tablet. "And call my cousin who sales ships, he will help you pick something less illegal."

"That's the problem, my friend." The large mech grinned in a charming but very unfriendly way. "My lady friend and I want to buy two separate ships, not just one."

"Oh! It that case, it opens a whole new possibilities!" The trader smiled widely and against all probability he became even uglier than before. "You should say that earlier! I'll call my cousin right away; he will have an offer ready for you!"

"Fine, but if I will not be satisfied, I will turn your head into my personal paperweight." The femme crossed her arms across her chest. "And don't even dream about escaping me."

"Do not worry, you will be pleased." The trader didn't pay her threats any mind. He was too busy calling his cousin and preparing the cash at the same time.

oOo

Planet McColamo, somewhere in the streets of the port town.

The Decepticon Justice Division was wandering aimlessly on the streets of the port town. It was a nice day, and they had time to kill. That was the problem. They were experts at killing Cybertronians but they were lousy at killing time. And they needed to because stocking their ship, refuelling and recharging batteries would take time – it had to and they knew it, there was no way to skip it.

"Soo... 'Wave was just standing there and intimidating the working crew?" Tesarus scratched his helm.

"That's what he did. They know that he can hear them if he wants and he knows they know." Kaon nodded. "So all he needed to do was to make sure they knew that he'd be listening and watching. But Shockwave does that too, only he doesn't watch them that closely."

"Then why Shockwave couldn't do it? I mean, all he needs to do is to be there. He doesn't need to stare at them all the time. Why that Autobot squeeze of his couldn't just come to him?" Tesarus still couldn't get it. "Then you could go with the rest of us, like you should."

"You don't get it. I wanted to get the experience of maintaining the communication on Nemesis, it's a privilege. And Shockwave couldn't ask Arcee to come to the construction site." Kaon rubbed his face; sometimes Tesarus just couldn't catch the subtle hints.

"Why not?"

"Because they didn't want to just sit and talk, you cog." Helex rolled his optics. "It was supposed to be a 'romantic' date. That's why they went to some secluded area."

"It's Shockwave we're talking about." Tesarus huffed.

"I don't mean 'romantic' as in reciting poems and giving nice crystals." Helex rumbled with amusement. "I mean 'romantic' as in 'romancing'."

"What?" Tesarus pulled dumb face.

"Fragging, mech, they were fragging!" Helex lost his patience. "They went to some slagged tiny tropical island to get laid. 5)"

"Oh." Tesarus only shrugged and then giggled. "It makes me wonder... "

"DON'T go there." Tarn stopped abruptly. "Don't even think about it. It is not healthy. Shockwave is as capable as any of us. Give the mech some privacy, just as you would want to be given."

"You're forgetting that this is Tesarus we're talking about." Helex sighted a heavy vent. "He'd do it in public with two random beings at the same time, just for the sake of being lewd."

"You meant obscene." Kaon corrected.

"Enough." Tarn decided to intervene yet again. "We all know that Tesarus is dissolute, and while we all have our libidos, do not feed his need for being obnoxious."

"Ecce coram taberna!" Vos pointed as some direction. "Ipsi erant 'ostendens harpastum ludum!6)" He added in hope to end the discussion about team's moral standards.

"Splendid!" Smile could be heard in Tarn's voice. "We will watch sports while drinking some nice energon. A perfect way of spending some free time!"

They entered the pub and looked around. It wasn't one of the dim lit, large, crowded taverns with rows upon rows of tables, designed to allow as many beings as possible to consume their meals at the same time in semi-darkness (presumably to prevent them from seeing what their neighbours are eating so they wouldn't throw up). This was an actual pub where consuming snacks and drinking variety of beverages was but a part of the experience. The room was shadowed with medium sized, round tables; it was small but roomy and with large screen mounted on one of the walls. The screen was indeed showing a game that Vos identified as 'Harpastum' and was commonly known as Lob.

They quickly navigated their way to the bar and took their seats. All the tables were taken by all kinds of patrons, but the bar was long and there were enough stools to sit there. They silently ordered some drinks and focused on the game. It was some local league but the players knew what they were doing. It was only a first half but the score was high and both teams did their best to win. Unfortunately the arbiter whistled for the end of the half just when one of the players caught the ball and was about to lob it. There were few loud "Awww!" but everyone just used the short break to talk about the match.

"Locals have good teams." Tesarus noticed. "It makes me miss our own league."

"You know, I was once in a team." Helex admitted. "It was just school league, but we were good."

"School leagues don't count. You wouldn't be a player anyway unless you were good enough for Functionists to notice and care enough to reclassify you into 'alt-mode exempt'." Tesarus pointed out. "And since you never became sports star it means that either the Functionists were too busy playing with their naughty parts when you were in school, or you weren't that good of a player."

"I'd say both." Kaon sighed and finished his drink.

"Yes, rumours had it that the Functionist Council, the High Council and the Senate were giving employment to entire army of strumpets…" Tarn nodded. "Shockwave always claimed that there were three types of Senators: those who had call girls on speed dial, those who picked hussies in night clubs and Dai Atlas."

That comment earned him laughter from his fellow Decepticons. Shockwave's pre-Empurata reputation was no secret among Decepticons and his rare comments about Senatorial life were greatly appreciated, mainly due to their snarky nature (even though they were also absolutely honest).

"Impossibile! At tu! 7)" Suddenly Vos jumped to his pedes and pointed at the screen.

The moment he spoke his team (and half of the pub) simultaneously turned their heads to look at whatever happened on the screen. It was news flash in between commercials separating the two halves of the match. A stunningly beautiful Nebulan lady speaker was smiling widely and presenting short information about various events.

"... still not found. The stolen yacht has been last seen on planet McColamo's orbit by one of the orbital observation stations' crew. The thieves remain unidentified and authorities of Hedonia issued interplanetary arrest warrant. The port authorities provided the surveillance cameras material depicting the suspects."

At that moment an image of two Cybertronians showed on the screen. One was towering and blue mech with wings and tank threads, the other was small black femme with tell-tale spider limbs folded on her back. There could not be any doubts about who they were, at least not to the D.J.D.

"Holy scrap!" Exclaimed Tesarus and got to his pedes. "Almighty frag!" He added.

"Check please." Tarn ignored his comrade in favour of the bartender.

oOo

Planet McColamo, someplace else few blocks down from the previous someplace else.

The space vehicle dealership that they were directed to by the Skuxxoid trader looked rather unappealing and low-profile. The shop building was a small, ground store level shanty with rusty stains leaking from the corrugated sheet roof. A single window was dirty and small. The yard contained few rusted wrecks that seemed to only stick together thanks to birds' droppings; and a large hangar with miss-matched gate.

They were about to take a U-turn and leave but yet another Skuxxoid jumped out of the shop and galloped to them. This one was slimmer and younger than the previous one, but just as pink and ugly. He smiled in Skuxxoid way and rubbed his hands. Or paws.

"My cousin called me and told me that you would come." He said in squeaky voice. "I have prepared a wide offer for you, please follow me." He said and headed to the hangar.

Overlord and Airachnid looked at each other, shrugged and followed the Skuxxoid dealer. They had nothing to be scared of. They both were strong, well-armed and mean enough to manage whatever danger that could await them. Not that they thought that the Skuxxoid would try anything.

oOo

Planet McColamo. On the streets of the port town.

Tarn and his team spent last half an hour lurking in the shady quadrants of the port town. They knew that if they wanted to find their two top targets they needed to look in places where the two could sell their loot. On McColamo one could illegally sell stolen ship without a problem, the ship would almost immediately be legalised by twisted methods including few bribes and changing serial numbers of the engines and various marked parts, then there was just a simple procedure of changing the name and in the next day instead of a stolen property there was legal ship ready to be sold. Sometimes even to its previous owners.

They turned the corner of the street and paced to another place. It was tedious task but door to door was their only option at the moment. It was funny – at least to Tarn – that people usually viewed them as walking death sentences but seemed to not realise just how much of boring, dull work their job included. People only noticed and talked about the spectacular finale of each hunt but somehow ignored the very unspectacular preparations that led to the 'fireworks'.

Behind him Tesarus, Helex and Kaon led an animated debate about Megatron, the Size Shifter, how it worked and how it possibly could feel like to be shrunk down and with an organic female the size smaller than industrial energon cube.

Vos zoned out completely. It was probably for the better, his sarcastic comments would only lead to arguments.

The moment they entered large courtyard their humorous bickering ended and they became serious professionals again. Before they managed to take a good look around, a fat and ugly Skuxxoid welcomed them in perfectly fake smile that only made him look worse than before.

"How can I be of service to you, fine gentlemen?" He asked in greedy voice.

Tarn only vented, what he was to say already became his mantra for the day. "You can serve us by information of two Cybertronians, like us, who had a luxurious yacht to sell."

"The transactions are confidential due to planet's law." The Skuxxoid informed. And it was true, to a degree.

"We are not interested in your trade deal." Tarn said knowing already that Airachnid and Overlord visited the Skuxxoid. Other traders they talked to earlier simply said that they were not visited by any Cybertronians lately. "Only with the two."

"Still it was a trade deal..."

"We do not care what it was. As far as we are concerned it could have been a picnic." Tarn growled. "These two are deserters from Decepticon Army and are wanted by Decepticon Authorities."

"Then it is for the Decepticon Authorities to demand the information from me." The Skuxxoid pointed out.

"The Decepticon Authorities are already here." Kaon replied from behind Tarn.

"It is our duty as the Decepticon Justice Division to pursue those who violate the Decepticon Law and deliver them the justice they deserve, or deliver them to the Conclave if Megatron so desires." Tarn elaborated.

"I... Fine. Since it is not about the deal and you claim to be Decepticon Authorities, you do wear the same badges as the two that came earlier." Skuxxoid proved to not be stupid. "I have sent them to my cousin; they wanted to buy two legal ships. I stress the 'legal' part."

"Two ships? Are you sure?" Tarn asked wanting to know if he heard right.

"Yes. Two separate, LEGAL ships. Is that all?"

"Direct us to your cousin and it will be."

oOo

Planet McColamo, the same someplace else as before.

The Skuxxoid dealer was ready to bang his head against nearest wall that was not made of thin tinware. The large mech picked his ship pretty fast, he was fine as long as the ship was spacious inside, had good engines well responding controls and place for customisation. He chose slick and manoeuvrable unit.

The femme however was more than just picky. It wasn't enough for her to have good ship with fast engines and long range, place for custom weaponry and power steering was not good. She wanted specific OS to the on board computers and when he showed her two ships with what she desired then she began to complain about their colours.

"You know, you can repaint it later." Overlord pointed out when Airachnid finished ranting about terrible taste of the previous owner. "Nobody says that you need to keep it as it is."

"Yes, Madame, the paint you see now is the factory paint; they just painted this series this shade. Many buyers repainted it later." The Skuxxoid nodded gestured at the ship. "It's fairly new model, the previous owner sold it because he needed larger ship for his family and these models go fairly cheap because soon after it was released the company introduced newer, larger model."

"I don't know." Airachnid tapped her chin with one claw. "The cargo hold doesn't seem large enough..."

"It is big enough for your needs." Overlord rolled his optics. "Besides, now you should go for smaller ships, large ones are easy targets. The larger ship you fly, the easier it will be for Peaceful Tyranny to aim."

"Well, if you put it that way... "Airachnid cocked her head. Overlord had a point.

Having large storage area was nice, especially that she could re-create her trophy collection, but having the D.J.D. on her tail meant that she needed to travel light. At least until she would find a way to get rid of the pesky bunch and that didn't seem like something she could do in foreseeable future.

"Fine, I'll take this one." She decided. "But only if you will remove those fuzzy dice hanging above the dashboard."

"Of course." The Skuxxoid grinned with glee. The deal was finally made.

They walked back to the office where they signed the purchase agreement, paid and received all the papers for their ships – they were after all legal ones. In the meantime one of the Skuxxoid employees towed the chosen ships to the yard, and removed the fuzzy dice. By the time all papers were signed and all formalities were completed the ships were ready to launch. Overlord and Airachnid found themselves proud owners of two legal ships that could allow them to travel wherever they so pleased.

They left the office and sauntered to their new ships. They were finally free and able to travel away, avoid the D.J.D. and go around their respective businesses. It was refreshing feeling. Sure, the yacht was fun, large, spacious and luxurious. But being on their own again was like a swing of fresh, cool air into their vents.

"Now, just one more thing." Overlord smiled charmingly, which meant that he had something on his mind.

"I don't like it already." Airachnid mumbled.

"I'd like you to take me to a real safari before we'll split." Overlord said in such a voice as if he asked her to pass him that cube of energon, thank you very much.

"You want what?"

"A safari. I'd never been to such a big hunt and I'd like to try. I'm all about new experience after all." Overlord's smile widened.

"I'm not sure if I'd like the idea of you stomping around, startling my prey."

"I'd said before that I can be stealthy if I want to. Come on, you can hunt down some rare beasts, sell them on the black market and get enough cash to repaint your ship." Overlord prompted. "I don't even want a share of the profits... well, perhaps fuel but nothing more."

"Then what it'd be for you then?" Airachnid quirked one opticbrow at the large mech.

"Pleasure of hunting with you." He said in seductive voice but the hard stare of the femme didn't softened even a bit. "And a challenge. I want to see if there is a beast large enough to pose a challenge for me."

"I'm not sure I like the idea."

"You won't regret it, I promise." Overlord purred with satisfaction.

"I highly doubt. " Airachnid sighed with resignation. This mech! Somehow he was able to talk her into anything, or to be strict, almost anything.

"If you won't be satisfied by hunting with me I am sure I can make it up to you." He reassured in strangely low voice.

Airachnid blinked once and then almost jumped away. "You will not get me to your berth if that's what you're saying."

"I'd say that that option always remains open, but I know what she-spiders do to their lovers afterwards. Not that it would be easy for you to kill me." Overlord smirked lewdly. "No, what I meant was bounty hunting and sharing the prizes."

"There is no way to deter you, isn't?" Airachnid deadpanned.

"Not if I put my mind into it."

"Fine. Come, let's leave this planet and finish the safari business."

oOo

Planet McColamo, same place.

The sight of entire Decepticon Justice Division galloping down the street could've been one of the most epic sights in life of a Cybertronian. Could've been. If there would be any Cybertronian who could observe the D.J.D. in full trot and, perhaps, film it even (to have a proof). Unfortunately for the sake of slapstick cinematography and fortunately for the D.J.D's reputation there was no Cybertronian to observe. And all the locals saw were just five Transformer goofballs cantering on the street.

When they finally reached their destination, they two largest of them were wheezing like some asthmatic organics, clearly not in the best condition for long runs. The racket they caused lured the Skuxxoid dealer out of his office to see what was causing the clangour.

"Have you seen two Cybertronians, like us, trying to buy two legal ships?" Tarn asked. He, along with Kaon and Vos, was not fazed by the run, mostly because due to his alt mode, he was built to reach decent speeds, even though he was a heavy weight type.

"Ahhhh, my cousin called to tell me that some Decepticon authorities would come to see me. You must be them." The Skuxxoid wasn't surprised, but he observed the two panting mechs who currently were hands on their knees and trying to catch up with the venting.

"So you know why we're here." Tarn pointedly ignored both Tesarus and Helex.

"Yes. And you're too late. They're already gone." The Skuxxoid shrugged. He'd cooperate if he has to, but it was not his problem.

"When have they left?" Tarn asked readying to another trot, this time back to their ship. Behind him Tesarus and Helex winced, they were not racing frames for Pit's sake.

"Ohh... I'd be almost an hour ago." The Skuxxoid estimated. "They didn't seem to be in any hurry though."

"Almost an hour ago?" Tarn glared.

"Necesse enim fuit eodem tempore relictis nobis tabernae sopionibus scribam.8)" Vos pointed out.

The only reply to that was Tesarus bending over and puking his tanks out while Helex was uttering his personal opinion of Airachnid and Overlord's parental units and what was their professional occupation.

"Mech! My frame was not built for running like this." Tesarus muttered between heaving fits. And he was right too; his legs were too short for long distance runs, especially with his frame's weight.

In the background Helex, who had longer legs but was too heavy to run like he just did as well, was informing the universe in general and everyone present in particular what kind of depraved activities the two rouge Decepticons could (and should) perform on each other and their newly acquired ships (and what kind of accessories they could use for that purpose) 9).

oOo

Planet McColamo's orbit. Just over half an hour earlier.

Overlord and Airachnid cleared out of the atmosphere of McColamo and came to a halt; they needed to choose the direction they would go.

"Any idea where to go?" Overlord asked looking through his space charts.

"I know few places." Airachnid hummed. "And I know where to find some beasts that are highly desired by Quintesson oligarchs and banking clans' moguls from the Galactic Council worlds."

"You can hunt the beasts down and then sell them to the highest bidder. Clever. I knew there was something about you that I like... other than your torture skills."

"Are you flirting?"

"I would not dare." Overlord purred. "But, just for the sake of my curiosity... can you tell me how it really is with the Spider-formers?"

"I'll think about it." Airachnid answered in light tone. "And now, I will send you coordinates."

Fade out.

1) Quintessons being very old race are suspected to have a large influence over Cybertronian society and civilisations in its early development.

The Aligned Continuity offers contradictory information about their nature. They are said to be small, cowardly, squid-like organic creatures. They are also said to be creations of one of the original Thirteen – Quintus Prime (I imagine he was created as fifth Prime taking his name); which would indicate that they were not organic, at least not completely because it is hard to believe that a Prime being a mechanic life form would create an organic race.

My solution to this dilemma was to make Quintessons techno-organic in nature. Quintus Prime arrived to planet he named Quintessa and found primitive squid life forms. He then proceeded to experiment on them; creating the very first, artificial race of techno-organics (Quintessons have Sparks just like Cybertronians – at least in some continuities). Quintessons most probably murdered their "creator" but then proceeded to "upgrade" themselves to the extent we know today.

2) In the Aligned Continuity it was established that the evil Caste System was established during Quintesson Occupation of Cybertron beginning to turn Cybertronians into mindless servants and even installing them cockpits; and that the Sentinel Zeta Prime (once again, why in the Space would they combine two so diametrically different characters into one is beyond me) and his Council or whatever chased them away and other Cybertronian supressed bad memories – because when something as bad as occupation happens and people are turned into forced labourers they wipe their own memories the moment they're freed... oh wait, no they don't, they remember that just to never let it happen again – like when it happened when Hitler and Stalin started a war in Europe in 1939!

So, in my own fan-made time line Quintessons indeed occupied Cybertron, it happened just after the original Thirteen disappeared, and they indeed created the case system, they indeed wanted to turn Cybertronians into their own, sentient yet mindlessly obedient servants, and they were indeed chased away but the caste system prevailed and the Council and following Primes used it as a means of control over the society. BAM! Now it makes more sense, at least to me.

3) A reptilian race of traders. Sometimes they work for Quintessons. They're ugly. I mean really, really ugly, they look like love children of the ugliest pig you can imagine and even uglier hippopotamus that's face was later chewed by a crocodile and it never healed properly... or no, cancel that, being chewed would actually improve their looks.

4) Centime means "one-hundredth" and is a fraction coin in decimal monetary Francophone systems (its equivalent is for example Spanish and Portuguese "Centavo") and I used it as a fraction coin in whatever currency they were using.

5) That happened in my previous fic: "Fireball".

6) "Look, a tavern (as in pub)!" and "They're showing harpastum match"

Harpastum is an ancient Roman game that resembles rugby but is played with a small and hard round ball. Harpastum and Greek game of episkyros gave live to English "Folk Games" and later to some of the games cultivated in English Public Schools such as Eton (they have a game called Wall Game) that gave life to both rugby and football (you know the International Football recognised as such on entire planet, not the kind that is known as football only in USA and Canada).

What Vos means is obviously a game of Lob.

7) "Impossible! Loot at that!"

8) "It must have been in the same time when we left the tavern."