Sorry for not posting anything for a while, I have been very busy, but hopefully this will make up for it, please enjoy the first part of this oneshot.
The world now feels different than it did before. It was as if everything just became a blur, as if I was just here on the planet, to just, be... It's hard to explain, but then it's not. It's not like I don't know why I am feeling this way, I know why, along with my friends. They care, but like me, they have no idea how to fix me. How to make this feeling stop, to make the world right again, to release me from this pain.
I could feel the breeze on my face, something that I used to love. I used to love this field of flowers on the hilltop near the outskirts of the village, but it too feels strange. Nothing is the same, I know nothing will ever be the same again, that what has been done cannot be changed. I am different now, because of him, because of me, because of us.
Everything around me is different, I am different, and I wish so badly to feel the joy I used when I came to this field, when I walked to the river, or when I just listened to the world around me. My mind is clouded, as are my emotions; like there is something blocking me from feeling again. Trying to be me again isn't working, I've tried for months now, and still nothing. First, it was just pain, tears, and a hole in my chest. Then it was just an emptiness that I thought I could shake. hoping that it was merely a phase or just a temporary block. This however apparently was not the case, because I still feel empty.
There must be something that can get me to...well to feel something, anything. It's like I have become undone, that everything in me just fell apart. Where do I go now? How do I fix myself? How do I move on from this? How can I ever see things again the way that I used, the way that I want to? I want to feel again, I want to enjoy the walks that I take around the village. To have fun while playing with the children that I help to take care of. Who have been trying themselves to help me, knowing that something is different about me. The worst part is, is that I think I know how to fix the pain, or rather, who.
No, it can't, I can't, he is the reason that I feel this way in the first place. It is his fault, he did this to me. He took away everything, and there is no way for me to get it back, to get myself back. No! I can't keep thinking of him, I need to stay focused on getting better, on finding myself again, of feeling again.
All of this, I should have seen it coming. I should have known that this is what would happen, I knew that it was all too good to be true. I knew him! Or rather, I thought I did.
Looking up, I saw the stars in the sky. Wishing I could somehow fly up there with them, and see what they see. To know what they know. To see everything, to see the world and everyone in it. Tears fell from my eyes. This is the first time that I've cried in months. The feeling felt odd but almost refreshing. It's as if the tears were a way to release everything from within. Though it won't erase everything, not all things can be erased or forgotten so easily as one may wish.
The night air felt nice on my skin, and the moon in the skies with the stars almost made me jealous. Although a new feeling seemed to come over me, it was like I was free for a moment. That everything would be okay.
A rustling in the grass came from behind me, but I didn't bother to turn. I didn't care what it was at this moment. This moment was a good one, and I don't want to lose it.
"Rin?" His voice was soft, almost with a hint of concern, but that isn't like him, not anymore. He is cruel...
Ignoring him, my hands balled into fists, and I lowered my head down, tears fell to the earth, and the world spun around me. How can he show up like this? How can he think that it is okay to come back after what he did? What does he expect from me? What could he possibly want to know? I have to give him everything, what more could he possibly want? To hurt me? To make me feel worse than I already do? I have been trying to be happy, and when I finally have a moment of peace, he ruins it.
"Rin." There it is, that tone that I grew so accustomed to. The one that he normally uses with everyone. Soon his hands were at my shoulders, and I froze. No, not just me, the world seemed to stop moving altogether, and I forgot how to breathe. I forgot how to move, how to cry, how to feel, how to... "Rin." His voice low, his breathe on the back of my neck as he lowered his head to the back of mine. Breathing me in, I had to fight everything to not lean into him. To not give in, to give into what I have been wanting, no, what I have been needing.
"Don't." Was all I could muster. My voice cracked, and my breath caught in my throat. I knew he heard it, I knew he could hear my heart in my chest threatening to burst out of its cage.
His hands slowly left my shoulders, to travel down to my waist, his hold tightening slightly. "Forgive your Lord?" I could almost feel his jaw clenching as his voice came out almost...broken.