Title: You Are My Sunshine (..so don't take my sunshine away)
Summary: 'I'm happy and I wouldn't wish for anything in this world for this to change.' Hikaru shouldn't have said those words. Sai stayed by Hikaru's side for four years. Despite that, what shall happen will still happen. Slight AU. Oneshot.
Warning: This is Unbetaed, English aint my mother tongue, I didn't double-check thisand any dialogue that might resemble the anime/manga is pure coincidence. Sorry for using song lyrics as linebreak, just ignore them or whatever since those lyrics isn't in order nor complete and chopped.
'thoughts' – for thought
"dialogue" – for dialogue
Emphasis – for emphasis
(anything enclosed here) – is flashbacks/memories/illusions/whatever you call it
Disclaimer: I will never ever own Hikaru no Go and the song lyrics and translation of Prisoner of Love so please don't sue me and please oh please read this story because it means A LOT to me.
~You Are My Sunshine~
Hikaru is almost seventeen and it has been more than four years when he first met Sai, his personal ghost Go mentor. It still felt surreal that he met him on his Grandfather's attic and was then afraid of him. But now after all this years, after all the things they went through, Hikaru only feels grateful and blissfully happy that Sai appeared before him and changed his life for the better. They were rocky at first, him being afraid of being possessed by a ghost, him thinking that ohmygod there's a ghost possessing me making me puke and please possess someone else! He could only rub the back of his neck sheepishly at his cowardly brat self. It was a good thing that Sai couldn't possess someone else even when his younger boisterous self was begging for Sai to possess someone aside from him back then. Who knows what would happen to him if ever Sai could possess someone else and that is an unpleasant thought. He doesn't even want to think of that possibility ever again. Sai is possessinghim, only him until the day he died and that's final.
He stares upward, his greyish green eyes reflecting the clear blue sky and his lips curved in happiness.
'I'm happy and I wouldn't wish for anything in this world for this to change.' He thought blissfully, aware that Sai – his childish mentor – is hearing all of his thoughts. And he couldn't even feel any ounce of embarrassment at being so sappy.
My boring daily life has suddenly begun to shine (Taikutsu na mainichi ga kyuu ni kagayakidashita)
Since the day you appeared (Anata ga arawareta ano hi kara)
He is happy with Sai being here with him. Sai introduced Go, a game he loves with passion. Sai taught him to love the game with the same vigor he has. Sai is the reason why he loves the game. Sai brought him new wonderful friends – heck he is even friends with Touya Akira though that guy just pisses him off sometimes. Sai gave him a new life and despite the thought making him slightly guilty he was grateful that Sai is a Go playing ghost however wrong its implication. Sai is a wonderful person ergo ghost and Sai deserve so much more, if he couldn't provide it – though he wanted to provide it all because he should be enough for Sai but sadly no – then he'll make it happen.
Sai only wanted to play more Go, any Go game or learn anything related to Go but he could see it in his eyes. Sai wanted to play someone of a higher caliber specifically he wanted to play Touya Meijin. He only knew it because Sai stared at the television screen intensely when it mentioned that Touya Meijin is the nearest person to attain the Hand of God and later on when he accidentally bumped on Touya Meijin because of his clumsiness and Sai recognize who he was.
"I want to play him." Sai said those words so intensely he saw his eyes glows magnificently with such passion but it was never brought again after that.
He wanted to make it happen because it will make Sai happy but he couldn't.. maybe not yet. Because he couldn't curve back his jealousy from rearing its head at the possibility that Sai will choose to play Touya Meijin over him. The thought gives shiver on his body and he couldn't have that. He doesn't think that kind of scaring would be good for his heart.
You tell lies with a straight face (Heiki na kao de uso wo tsuite)
Laughing in a sick way (Waratte iyake ga sashite)
You tried your best to avoid tiring things (Raku bakari shiyou to shite ita)
"I'm here! Hikaru get a Goban and we shall play." Sai said those words desperately while clutching at his fan tightly. He could see the way Sai's lips pursed into a grim thin line and crease on his eyebrows. He yelled it in the heat of the moment and Hikaru could even feel the churning on his stomach at Sai's agitated desperate words and actions. Sai wanted to play with Touya Meijin because Touya Meijin is old and he might suddenly die and Sai doesn't want to regret of never asking the Meijin for a game.
He still could feel the churning on his stomach as Sai's desperate emotions continued to rise out of him. And he could feel the gnawing cold shiver on his heart squeezing him tight, spreading the cold from his chest. He doesn't want Sai to choose Touya Meijin over him.
He chanced a look at Touya Meijin who continued to stare at him expectantly for his decision. Then he take a sidelong glance at Sai's desperate attempts and he continued to feel guilty because he is robbing Sai of his happiness, of his wishes but he couldn't.. wouldn't.. but Sai wanted to play Touya Meijin so..
"Please play with Sai! On the internet.. only in the internet because he couldn't.. He only could play on the internet." He babbled agitatedly, words left his mouth because Touya Meijin will only play Sai on the internet, not in person, never in person. It's only one game and only in the internet, surely that would be enough for Sai, right?
He averted his gaze when he noticed that he was having a staring match with Touya Meijin but still continued to raise his head high and square his shoulders as if defending.
The Meijin sighed and finally accepted, "Yes, I will play this Sai only because you are quite adamant about it. Beside I have free time for a relaxing game between my fourth and fifth game. It would be enough to pass my time while being here in the hospital."
He gripped his fist tight and he forced himself not to glare but it felt insulting. For Touya Meijin to talk about his would-be game with Sai as if it was merely to pass his boredom. Before he knew it, words already left his mouth. "Please be serious, Touya Meijin." He murmured a bit angrily, there is a certain glint on his eyes as he stares at the Meijin. Then he added because he could, "It would be unfair if you lose just because you didn't take Sai seriously." There is a certain bite on his voice and they all knew it was there and directed to the Meijin because of his previous comments. He doesn't want them to play against each other but he couldn't just take that the Meijin had the nerve to even slight Sai despite how logical it was in the Meijin's part.
Touya Meijin raised his eyebrow, now amused – slightly his conscience nagged at him for treating any kind of game to relieve boredom, it was disrespectful for the game itself – because he could see that Hikaru is confident that this Sai person is in par with him even higher and that is definitely interesting. For Hikaru to show great respect – because that's how it is – to this Sai person, this Sai person must have been strong and from the looks of it. This Sai person is very close to him so he agreed and made a bet that if he lose he will retire. He would need to be serious about this game after all, his career and pride as a Go player is on the line.
When everything was set, they continued their trek home in comfortable silence.
"Thank you, Hikaru." Sai said as they walk side by side, with Sai slightly behind by a foot.
That sentence made Hikaru pause for a second but he proceeded with their walk. Now with him slightly behind by a foot but enough that Sai wouldn't see his expression.
Hikaru's eyes flashed with guilt as his teeth automatically bit his bottom lip as it pursed into a grim thin line. Phantom pain hitting him on his chest and guilt to continue clawing at his heart as the words Sai uttered gratefully, sincerely played on his mind, taunting him for being selfish, for letting Sai play the Meijin only on the internet.
But the evidence of his pain was physically gone by the next.
Through sick times and healthy times (Yameru toki mo sukoyaka naru toki mo)
On stormy days and sunny days, let's walk together (Arashi no hi mo hare no hi mo tomo ni ayumou)
"You could have win, Sai." Hikaru uttered distractedly still facing the computer monitor in concentration.
"See here, in this corner what if you moved here instead of here? And the Meijin would have corresponded like this then you would have lose Sai." He said breathlessly, his lips formed into a grin as he point out his index finger at the far bottom right of computerized Goban. When Sai's silence continued he hastily added as if placating Sai, "I'm really glad that you won, but you could have lose.. right?" Hikaru trailed off in confusion when he noticed that Sai was staring at him in dawning realization. "Sai? What's wrong?" He peered at his mentor with worry, his brows furrowed downward as he felt his fingers on his right hand twitch and he just knew he wanted to raise his hand to reach for Sai.
"Sai..?" He repeatedly slowly, his voice full of worry, his hand now hovering on its way towards Sai.
Then Sai smiled hastily as if putting the pieces of his broken smile into a presentable look but it looks like a grimace for Hikaru and that made him eye his mentor with doubt. "It's nothing, Hikaru." Sai said still with that smile but he could identify confusion on Sai's voice.
"I realized that you have grown immensely into a brilliant Go player, Hikaru." But his next sentence is sincere, full of wonder of pride and of happiness that it made his cheeks tinted in pink and ears redden with embarrassment. Previous assumption and worry flown out of the window for the time being.
"Really, Sai?" He said hopefully because Sai is complementing him despite it not being rare but it felt like this time, is the best complement Sai had ever given him.
"Yes." Sai said warmly, affectionately while a smile played on his lips.
Fake displays of strength and being greedy have become meaningless (Tsuyogari ya yokubari ga muimi ni narimashita)
Since the day you loved me (Anata ni ai sareta ano hi kara)
Even when I'm free and have inner strength, it's pointless when I'm alone (Jiyuu demo yoyuu demo hitori ja munashii wa)
Dawning realization hit Sai. Hikaru have grown immensely into a brilliant young man with brilliant prodigious Go skills. For four years, for Hikaru to have grown into this. Sai could only stare at his student as he pointed out another conventional move that would have resulted on another outcome. He could have lost and Hikaru saw that single path.
"Sai, What's wrong?" Hikaru peered at him worriedly but he could still Hikaru glowing after his discovery and at that moment Hikaru's light shines so bright like a sun shining in the vast blue sky.
'Maybe I wasn't here to reach the Hand of God but to..'
"Sai?" Hikaru said his name again and Sai smiled at him.
'..show this game to Hikaru.'
Along with that realization he continued to smile at Hikaru and placated his student, "It's nothing, Hikaru."
Hikaru continued looking at him dubiously and it made him smile for real, "I realized that you have grown immensely into a brilliant Go player, Hikaru." He said sincerely from the bottom of his ghostly heart because it is the truth, the sole truth and he is immensely pleased that he have helped in polishing Hikaru's skills.
The way Hikaru looked at him in wonder, in admiration, in hope fills him with happiness. It should have been enough. "Yes." He smiled so bright at his admission.
But a cold feeling crept on his inside, tugging at his navel and he could feel his frozen time spills with vigor.
'Please. I need more time.. to spend with Hikaru.'
I'm gonna tell you the truth
I chose a secret painful path (Hitoshirezu tsurai michi wo erabu)
Sai could feel his frozen time pouring out of him so fast. And he stares at his protégé who is already sleepy on his feet, who doesn't know that he will disappear.
"Let's play, Hikaru." He said seriously, desperately.
"Uhh?.. Sure." Hikaru answered absentmindedly merely going with the flow.
He could feel that he is running out of time and he wanted one last game with Hikaru.
He pointed his fan for his move and they exchange hands silently with Hikaru yawning from time to time.
He is running out of time.. There was a cold thug on his navel and he pursed his lips in phantom ghostly pain.
'Hikaru..' He doesn't want to leave Hikaru behind.
"Sai? Your move." Hikaru said sleepily, his eyes closed with his right cheek connected on his other hand.
'I don't want to leave Hikaru behind!'
"Sai?" Hikaru said as he peered at him sleepily.
"I'm sorry.." He started as he gripped his fan tightly it could have snapped right there and right now. "Sai?" Hikaru said in alarm, sleepiness momentarily vanished. "What are you being sorry for?" Hikaru added in panic, his eyes wide with concern, his brow furrowed downward in worry.
'I don't want to leave Hikaru behind!.. But it's too late..'
Sai stared at his protégé with eyes shining with unshed tears that made Hikaru stares at him with concern and fear as Hikaru gripped his hand into a ball under the Goban.
"Sai?.." Hikaru's eyes showed fear because Sai is crying.. and smiling at him. That expression send cold comprehension on his stomach, churning his inside, gripping his heart tight, making his heart thumps fast.
Sai stared at Hikaru, now with tears freely flowing down his cheeks to his chin. Yet Sai's lips curled upward into a bright painful smile. 'Thank you, Hikaru.' Sai couldn't say the words anymore so he conveyed it in his smile. He could see blinding light in his peripheral vision.
"Sai!" Hikaru grew more alarm at the bright lights that is surrounding Sai and it made him jerk on his feet. His hands immediately reaching towards Sai. Fear and concern gripping his heart.
'Thank you Hikaru for everything.. The time I had with you..'
"It's fun, Hikaru." Sai said it abruptly, suddenly yet the words are spoken warmly, sincerely and it made his heart clench. Sai said it with a bright smile and Sai's eyes glisten with tears in ethereal ghostly beauty as the light surrounding him brightens even more. It made him want – need - to touch Sai, embrace him tightly in assurance. 'No! Sai..!' He screamed on his mind because the light is taking Sai away, taking him away and he will pull Sai towards him. When his hands finally reaches Sai after a long time that actually only lasted for few precious long seconds.. Sai vanished among with the bright light.
His eyes widen with fearpainfear.
'No.. Nononono!'
And you came to support me (Watashi wo ouen shite kureru)
You're the only one I can call a friend (Anata dake wo tomo to yobu)
Anguish, pain, fear, fear, fear, fear, denial.
Onslaught of emotion hit him so hard like a train wreck. Gutting his inside, twisting his limbs, cold shivers on his breaking heart, squeezing his heart so tight it chokes him. Hikaru bit his lips enough to draw blood. His eyes sting, it makes him want to cry and scream at the same time but he wouldn't.
("You have grown, Hikaru. Just a while ago you were still so small and chubby but now you're tall." Sai stares at him with a teasing glint on his eyes, and he just knew that Sai is smirking behind that fan of his. "And you are still a thousand year old ghost, Sai." He said in mild annoyance then he stuck his tongue in a childish way. Followed by a huff, now his arms crossed on his chest.
"That's mean, Hikaru!" Sai erupted with a kicked puppy look with imaginary tears flowing like a river from his eyes as he whined. Now flailing his arms then started hitting him with his fan on the head. "Ack! Sai!.. Stop that!" He yelled as he shield his head from Sai's fan. Then Sai begun chuckling at him.)
He stares at the opposite side of the Goban where Sai was just a while ago.
("Hikaru! Play with me! You could always play your Grandpa anytime." Sai said in agitated voice and he immediately whipped his head and turned to face Sai. "What are you saying Sai?" He said confusedly then added, "We could always play Go beside I rarely visit my grandpa." His voice dismissing but he noticed Sai's emotions.
Sai looked away from him and he saw Sai's hand gripped his fan. "Sai?" He voiced aloud, now with a worried frown. Sai then looked at him and said, "I'm going to disappear soon!"
He felt his heart blanch at the words then he nervously stuttered, "W-what are you saying, Sai?" He chuckled nervously, "That's a funny joke Sai." He turned to look behind him, towards the stairs then started his descend from the attic. When Sai didn't follow, he called out, "Sai, let's go home."
When he arrived downstairs, he said in a forced lightheaded manner, "If you want to play with me, you should just say so, Sai." He refused to take a look back, he doesn't want to see Sai's expression, he doesn't want to think about Sai's words. It was only a joke, Sai said those words to make him play with him. It is a joke.
Yet it didn't stop the fear on his heart and the gut-clenching churning of his stomach.)
His breathing hitched, it lodge on his throat and remained there.
Sai is merely making an elaborate joke on him.
My ordinary life has suddenly begun to shine (Arifureta nichijou ga kyuu ni kagayakidashita)
Since the day you stole my heart (Kokoro wo ubawareta ano hi kara)
I thought I could deal with loneliness and pain (Kodoku demo tsurakutemo heiki da to omoeta)
"Sai!" 'Where are you, Sai!?' He run, he kept running from place to place. He kept playing the game of finding Sai on his room, his home, his grandfather's home, the Go Association, and even now in Hiroshima.
Morning came to afternoon then to evening. He stayed on a hotel for a night then continued the game of finding Sai on Shuusaku's site until he arrived on a certain Go Salon and learnt that there is a Shuusaku site on Tokyo. He went there and there is still no sign of Sai.
'Where are you, Sai?' He thought repeatedly.
He made one last stop on the Go Association. "Ghost, you say? I know the right place." The insei instructor said to him when he made one final attempt of asking someone on where to find a ghost.
Dust, mouldy scent of old papers filled the room. The instructor left him for the time being and he took this chance to take a look at Shuusaku's no.. Sai's kifus.
And he blanched so hard, it hit him hard that Sai is in different level. He already knew that but for the evidence to stare at him on the face. It overwhelmed him.
He closed the kifu records, set it aside and..
("I'm going to disappear soon!") Sai said those words.. desperately!
He closed his fist and banged his fist on the table, hard. He could feel his nails biting against his palm, his nails drawing blood on his palm. He clenched his eyes shut and grinded his teeth against each other. He could feel his erratic beating heart beating against his ribs, wanting to burst from anger.
"I am an idiot." He murmured to himself, low, voice filled with self-hate and pain. He is an idiot! For him to be selfish about Sai when Sai's talent shines so bright..
"Please come back Sai.. I won't hide you anymore. The world will know you.." He finally murmured, now his voice hitching, cracking, his eyes closed shut and he could feel the sting on his eyes yet he doesn't want to cry.
"Please come back to me Sai.." He begged, he opened his eyes and stared at his tightly clenched hand. Tears now falling on his eyes, he sniffed and bit his lips to stop himself from crying out as he rubbed his tears off with his arms.
'Please come back! I will be a good host so please.. please!' He screamed in his mind, his lips quivering at the onslaught of his emotion as he leaned his arms and let his tears fall with his palm closed in a fist.
He closed his eyes shut, lips continued quivering as he opened his palm and gripped his bangs, digging his nail against his scalp to somehow ease the onslaught of his overflowing emotion.
"I'm sorry.." 'I am an idiot.. I didn't realize that your talent shouldn't be caged. I'm sorry..' Wishing that Sai could hear his thoughts. For Sai to hear his apologies.
("It's fun, Hikaru." And Sai smiled with his tear stained face and the light so bright surrounded him. His hand almost reaching him yet Sai disappeared between his fingers.)
"Damn it." His cursed under his breath. He banged his hand on the table once again. Guiltpainguilt eating him in the inside, staying on his stomach, churning his intestines, making him want to hurl something – break something – to ease his bleeding heart.
"Please.." He begged, it came out between sobs and hiccups. As he lifted his chin up, staring at the ceiling, imagining that he could see the starry sky behind those murkish white ceiling. "Please! Please come back Sai!" He cried out in pain, shamelessly letting tears cascades on his cheeks. "Please..!" He cried louder. "I would listen to you more! I won't try to hide you anymore..!" His voice hitching as he continued to sob and to rein down the pain but it continued flowing out of him.
Bargaining words on his lips, desperate bargaining words. "I would even let you play Touya Meijin.." He murmured brokenly as he lowered his chin. "I know you've always wanted to play him.. I wouldn't be jealous of Touya Meijin anymore. I wouldn't be selfish too.." He sat there brokenly, as he closed his eyes in pain and in exhaustion. "What more did you want me to do?.. Anything Sai.. Please.. Anything.. just come back to me.."
Yet there was no answer only silence and it breaks his heart even more.
Stay with me, stay with me (Stay with me, stay with me)
My baby, say you love me (My baby, say you love me)
("Let's play Go!" An arm embraced him in a tight chocking enthusiastic embrace. "Please, Hikaru! Let's play Go!")
"Shut up." He gritted his teeth as his lips quivers.
("Let's play Go, Hikaru!" An arm continued embracing him in a tight suffocating hug as he flail around to get Sai off him only to get Sai tighten his hold on him. He could feel the excitement bubbling at his personal ghost at the same time. "Let's play Go forever, Hikaru!")
He closed his eyes shut, blocking the image inside his head yet failing at it. "Forever, you bastard." He muttered angrily, spitting the words with such hate yet his heart continued bleeding with pain.
("Let's play Go forever, Hikaru!")
"Liar." He opened his eyes and glared at the far wall, seemingly imagining Sai on that place sitting in seiza and looking at him with puppy eyes and saying the words with such ferocity, ("Forever, Hikaru.")
"Liar!" He screamed as he snarled and throws the Go stones he was holding tightly on his hand towards Sai's illusionary figure.
("Hikaru!" The stones he have thrown on Sai's face merely passed him by but it didn't stop the condescending look Sai shoot him, "Don't throw those Go stones on my face, Hikaru! That's rude!")
He heard the clanking of the Go stones on the floor at where Sai was supposed to be yet he see nothing only his voice stuck inside his head. "Shut.. up.."
("Mou, Hikaru!~ You're such a brat." Sai whined.)
"I'm not.." He whispered as he slowly curled into himself.
("What am I going to do with you?" Sai said exasperated yet fond.)
"Don't leave me." He whispered as he hugged his arms around his knees, bringing it near his face.
("Of course, I wouldn't." Sai said in an incredulous manner as if he couldn't imagine such a thought. "I'll always stay with you." Sai added with conviction.)
Hate filled his eyes and he clenched his fist as he continued glaring dagger at the opposite of him where he could imagine Sai would sit base on his memories. "You lied." He said slowly, angrily and the only answer he received was the defeaning ringing silence echoing inside his head.
"Sai.. you liar." He muttered slowly, his voice filled with betrayal and anguish.
Stay with me, stay with me (Stay with me, stay with me)
Don't leave me alone (Hitori ni sasenai)
Author's Note: Please read and review. The ending is rather anticlimatic and unsatisfying. I was thinking of making it some kind of time-travel shit but I decided against it because I already did it with In sickness yours truly. Also, ignore the song lyrics that is used as a linebreak because it is irrelevant to the story and no this story is not inspired by that song. And lastly, the last scene is completely rubbish that should be put on the trashcan because it is the only alternative ending I could write aside from making it time-travel or tragedy shit.