Burning Ever After
Started: 5.28.17
Finished: 8.17.17
Lucy Heartfilia's pensive stare could have scorched a hole through the ceiling. Her head rested on Natsu Dragneel's chest, a position she had been in a thousand and one times before. Her body curled up against him, pressed as close as possible to his side. He lays with his arm tucked under the crook of her neck, but instead of it curling around her hip and drawing her closer, like he used to, it stretched away as if touching her would burn him.
Yeah, you read that right, as in the fire dragonslayer, the same guy who eats fire, was acting as if he would get burnt just by touching his girlfriend. The silence between them weighed heavy on her chest, it tasted bitter on her tongue, just like his kisses.
When he looked at her, it was like he was looking at a client instead of his love. He would kiss her like it was a low paying job, he would visit her like she was a prisoner, only for a couple hours at a time. When it was convenient for him.
Missions were the worst. Lucy felt like it was when they were all together, joking and chatting, when it really showed. Erza and Gray would bicker, Natsu would pepper in insults, and Lucy would always side with Erza. Lucy and Natsu would walk next to each other, but the flirty bickering they became known for had vanished. At night, Natsu slept on the edge of the bed, as far away from Lucy as possible. He stopped offering to pay for meals or little day trips. Erza and Gray had to have noticed by now.
And as much as all of that worried Lucy, what really had her heart all twisted up in her throat was how he would never hold her hand anymore. She missed his sneaky kisses, and she could barely remember the last time he said "I love you" first.
To think that she thought that if she waited for him to return, things would pick up where they left off. She waited with the boiling betrayal coiled like a cobra in her belly. Even though her heart wouldn't let her sleep at night, she waited. And after she had cried stains into her favorite pillow she waited. One whole year, and all he had left her was a stupid letter. She was alone, and wilting, while he was out living his life.
It would be unfair for her to place the blame all on him though. With every action he took to make it up to her, he was met with her cold resentment. He would try to cuddle up to her, like nothing ever happened, but the cold shoulder she gave him could have given him frostbite. And eventually, he would spent his time fishing with Happy, or taking solo missions, and she would rot in her sorrow, sick of waiting.
And it was in moments like that, when she was on the floor with mascara streaking down from her eyes. Her voice hoarse from sobbing, that she wondered if they were actually meant to be. She was a broken shell, and he didn't even care to notice. He didn't even say he was sorry.
Underneath her, Natsu squirmed, and Lucy tried the blink away the wateriness of her eyes. The man that she lay cuddled up with now, was not the same person she had fallen in love with just under three years prior. She wondered if they were even still friends.
"Want to watch a movie on the television lacrima?" His sudden question made Lucy flinch, and she longed for when she used to get chills of joy when she heard his voice.
She worried her lip. It was now or never. Sitting up and putting some distance between them, she wiped her eyes to make sure no tears had escaped. She had faced ferocious monsters the size of buildings, power hungry dark mages, yet her heart hammered harder now than it ever had done before.
Turning to him, so looked at the wall just behind his head to avoid the blank look in his eyes. "I was actually hoping we could talk." She confided, fiddling with the hem of her frilly, short pajama shorts.
He sat up, his voice trembled. "About what?"
Lucy's breathe stuttered, eyes tearing up. She looked away. Despite the tremble in her lip, she pushed forward with a heavy sigh. "Are you alright?"
She had wanted to try doing this tactfully, building up to the punch. But her stomach was in knots, and she was anxious that if she prolonged this anymore she would vomit. Natsu scooted closer to her, and when he touched her hand, which was fisted in the fuzzy magenta throw at the end of her bed, she felt tension in his cautious touch instead of the tenderness she ached for.
"Yes." He said, his voice wavering. Lucy all but recoiled from him.
She swallowed. "Alright." Lacing her fingers with his, she tried to look at him but instead he pulled her closer, tucking her head under his chin.
Her hot tears dripped onto her cheeks. They ran down into her mouth. The saltiness was apparent in the way she spoke. Voice thick and shaking. Her hands were limp at her sides, unmoving. "Are…we alright?" She knew the answer already, but still needed to hear it from him.
Natsu buried his face in her hair. Nodding, he muttered. "Uh-uh." Liar.
A sob tore from Lucy, and she felt like her body had betray her. "Alright." She said, but even to her she sounded like a broken echo.
Natsu didn't say anything, he just stroked her hair while she curled into him. By the time that they fell asleep, her tears had long since stained his shirt.
It was three days after the catastrophe that was their three year anniversary. Natsu had sworn up and down that he had made plans, and Lucy couldn't help but get her hopes up. He wanted to make up for missing their two year anniversary, and Lucy felt optimism building up in her chest. She hadn't seen him this excited in regard to going out with her in months.
And he had come up with the perfect date. He took her out shopping, anything she wanted. Then a nice dinner, and a movie. At surface value, it was thoughtful. He had bought her these cute little stuffed animals, pink teddy bears with Halloween costumes on, but he seemed exasperated with the choosing process. He also let her pick out a necklace from the jeweler. She immediately put the onyx pendant on, reveling in the weight of the silver chain. He never said that it looked beautiful on her.
Dinner was just silent pecking at food, making sure to always have enough in their mouths to not speak to each other. She had leaned in at the end of the meal, lips puckered. It was like she was kissing her grandmother.
She had wanted a three year anniversary photo, but he didn't even budge to come sit next to her. Instead she snapped a photo of him, and when she developed it later, the man looking back at her was not a man who was in love.
It spurred her into action. All the pent up resentment formed into blinding anger. She had a right to know what he was thinking, and she was sick of being taken for granted.
Now, Lucy sat at a table alone in the guild. The photo in her hand, every time she looked at it she simultaneously wanted to burst into tears, and cut it into pieces. She had been at the guild for about an hour, and Natsu hadn't even acknowledged her. Gray, who was talking to him, had even greeted her!
Folding the photo, she slipped it into her handbag. The familiar coil in her stomach tightened, and her heart was beating like she had run a marathon. Gritting her teeth, she shoved herself into movement before she lost her nerve.
Every step she took sent jolts to her already pounding heart. When she paused right behind Gray and Natsu, she was sure that Natsu could hear her, judging from the way he stiffened. His laughter seemed forced when Gray cracked a joke.
With clenched fists Lucy cleared her throat. "Natsu," She said, her tone grave, she cut him off mid-sentence, "We need to talk."
He turned to her, the shock in his eyes thrilled her. "Can we talk later?" He questioned, almost begging.
Lucy shook her head. "NOW."
Gray, looking thoroughly uncomfortable, waved Mirajane down, calling for a refill. Natsu didn't say goodbye, he stood up, and walked past Lucy to the door. Like a robot, Lucy followed.
Outside the guild, Natsu lead them to the wooded outskirts of the guild property. The autumn air bristled on their skin, and considering Lucy was wearing a jean mini skirt and a thin long sleeved blouse, she should have been chilly. The emotion welling up inside kept her warm.
Natsu wouldn't look at her. He was focused on the ground, making designs in the dirt with his sandal.
"Are we really alright?" Lucy asked, her voice a whisper against the cool wind. She needed him to admit it, to stop being a coward.
His voice shook, and he shuffled closer to her. The closest he had been since the last time she asked him that question. "I don't know."
The words stung like a poisonous snake had bit her, and the words were the venom. Hearing him saying it, that their perfect relationship was flawed and in pieces, that he was doubting her, made it real. Despite needing him to say it, it burned her down to her soul.
Lucy was well acquainted with the tingle in her eyes. She knew what it meant, and she only had a couple more moments before the water works began. She needed to ask the question that had been corroding her before she lost her composure.
"Do you still love me?"
"Yes, oh god, yes Lucy." He took her into his arms, and when he nuzzled into the crook of her neck, she was stunned to feel wetness. His body shook, "I love you so much." He muttered, he was holding her so tight, as if she would float away. She couldn't help it, the sobs came in waves.
In between hiccups Lucy continued. "D-Do you still want to be in a relationship?"
Natsu sniffled, burrowing into the crook of her neck deeper. His light sobs sounded like explosions in her ear. "I don't know." His words melted the rest of her resolve down. As if to add salt to her wounds he repeated it. "I don't know."
She cried like she cried when he was away, broken sobs and near screams. She was sure the people in the guild could hear her. "You have to talk to me. We can't keep doing this, if we don't open up to one another it's only going to get worse."
When Natsu's knees buckled, he pulled her down to the ground with him. He cradled her in his arms, and their eyes locked. He looked like he was a child who was in over his head. Fat tears welled up in his eyes. "I need to think, I wasn't ready to talk to you yet," He croaked, "I wanted to wait until after Halloween."
"I can't wait that long," Lucy hissed, it was late September, "I've already waited long enough for you."
He recoiled like she had slapped him, and she couldn't stop the words from spilling out. "You left without a word, just a note that said you'll be back in one year. But I waited, hoping you'd return sooner, I put my life on hold while you were out and about doing whatever you wanted. I just had this huge, Natsu shaped hole in my life for an entire year, and you didn't even say you were sorry." Lucy could fell the wall she had built crumbling, her raw words taking it down brick by brick. Naked emotion struck through her heart.
She tried to push him away when his hold on her constricted. How dare he try to console her? The time for that had passed months ago. He didn't get anywhere near her ear, but he whispered anyway. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you."
Lucy grunted, squirming out of his grip. What a selfish prick.
"Whatever," she bit out, "It's done. I just don't want to lose you."
Natsu hung his head. "I admit, while I was away, it was the first time I thought about us not being together."
It was Lucy's turn to feel like he had slapped her. Unconsciously she grabbed at her heart, it felt like it was going to dissolve into powder. "Why?" She asked. Did this man leave her out to dry waiting for him only to move on while she wasn't looking?
His voice was strained, and it wavered as he spoke. "Lucy, you're young. I've found out that I've been living a lie, and I need to see the world. I need to travel to find who I am. I want to focus on my magic, and I haven't been able to do it here, I always feel guilty because I know you're upset, but I'm really struggling right now."
Lucy couldn't breathe, she just trembled in his embrace. It wasn't like she was asking a whole lot of him. "I'll go with you. We both love adventure, we've talked about this. It would be easy." She took a deep, quaking breathe, her body feeling cold as if it were dying, "And I just want more intimacy, I want to feel attractive and it's been months sense we've had sex. Do you still…want me that way?"
She could feel her insecurities writhing under her skin. All the nights she spend looking at herself in the mirror, and wondering if he had lost interest in her. Or is she had gained too much weight while he was away, or if he had seem someone else. Someone with no stretch marks on her thighs because she grew too fast. Someone with bigger hips, and a better butt.
"You're beautiful," She was so caught up in her self-loathing, she almost missed his words they were so low, "I just, I know you're expecting a lot, and I can't you know because I get too nervous. And I always feel guilty, because I'll see other girls and I can't even look at them without feeling like I'm betraying you."
She pushed away with enough force to topple herself backwards. She curled into herself, arms crossed over her chest so she was separated from him, a feeble attempt to protect herself. "Is..I-Is there someone else?"
"No! I would never cheat on you!" He sounded hurt that she would even suggest something like that, but she felt like she didn't even know him anymore. What happened to forever?
"D-do you want to break up?" Lucy couldn't put it off anymore. Her stomach was making these gross wet noises, and every question she asked him were answered with shit she didn't want to hear anyway.
"I'm not sure." His sigh was punctuated with a quiver, and his fingers tugged at his hair as he set his head in his palms.
"I don't want to." She confessed, the mere thought of them breaking up was doing her in, had been doing her in, and she couldn't imagine what she would be like if he left her.
Natsu shuffled to his feet, leaning against a tree. The sun was setting, the sky bright with purple and pinks. "Can we walk some, I'm feeling queasy." He asked.
"Sure." Lucy stood up, ignoring the hand he offered, feeling like she had lost a part of herself in the process.
They walked until the moon rested high in the sky. The small sliver of a crescent bearing little to no light to guide them. Not a single word was uttered between them, just this growing sadness and desperation hanging over their heads.
They came to a stop, right in front of Natsu's little hut in the woods. They both moved like machines of themselves, sitting on the rock steps that lead up to the dirty wooden front door.
"Will you stay?" He asked after the silence became unbearable, "Please?"
Lucy didn't move, she just stared down the grown in dirt trail they had just shoved their way through. Her eyes were dry and scratchy, and she can practically smell the salt from her tear stained cheeks.
The walk to her apartment was long, and it was like 2am. "Sure." She murmured.
He took her hand in his, squeezing it. "Thank you." She didn't bother telling him that she wasn't staying for him, that it was a convenience, because she wasn't sure if that was the truth.
They cuddled up together like they used to, he held her like he was afraid of letting her go, like she would be gone if he loosened his grip. In all fairness, she probably would be. Even though exhaustion pulled at her eyelids, even though her body ached, sleep evaded her. She felt like poison was rotting her veins.
With every hour that ticked by, another part of their conversation played back in her mind. The way he wouldn't look at her, the uncertain tone of his voice. So different from what he used to be. She gave him her all, whether it was all her love, all her time, all her effort. Without her, he would be still be the boy she met at the port, aimlessly following ghosts.
And what thanks does she get? A dose of Insecurity? Potential adultery?
When the early morning sun rays cast the small bedroom in cheery light, Natsu was still curled around her. His ringing alarm clock had been going off for about five minutes, but Lucy couldn't find the strength within herself to move. The sun blinded her, but she stared out the web encrusted window anyway.
Natsu's sudden jolt would have shocked her, if she weren't frozen with the depression that had taken her hostage while he slept. Natsu stretched sleep out of his limbs. He let Lucy go, rolling over and slapping at the alarm. Lucy peeked at him, and the wariness in his eyes said it all. She could feel the sting tingling at her eyes again.
"Do you want me to cancel my mission?" He croaked, not looking at her.
Lucy shook her head, not trusting herself to speak.
He turned to her. "Are you sure?"
Lucy nodded again, turning away from him as tears leaked from her eyes against her will. He rushed to hug her, whispering in her ear. "I'm so sorry. I don't know what I should do." His exhale tickled her ear, and she wanted more than anything for it to be back to when she used to giggle when his breath tickled her.
"I need you to reassure me. Do you see a future with me? Do you find me sexually attractive still? You never answered any of that." All her trepidation from the night just dribbled from her lips, her exhaustion evident in the hoarseness of her voice.
Natsu sat up, tucking the blanket around her like she was some precious, breakable thing. Too late, she had already shattered. "I can picture myself having a family with you Lucy, I wish we had met when you were 30, not when you were 19."
Lucy trembled, burrowing into her pillow. He continued on, voice hesitant. "I don't want to hurt you anymore. I don't know what I want, and I may regret this forever, because you're the best thing to happen to me, seriously, but I just can't stop wondering about the what ifs. We are each other's first real relationship, we've barely experienced anything. I can't remember a large part of my own life. And I just wish we meet later on, once all this bullshit has been sorted out."
"Be we didn't." Lucy could feel anger licking at her tongue. As sick as it was, she preferred anger, she knew how to deal with it, unlike the turmoil she had waded through in the night.
"I know." Natsu sounded so alone, and with the hot tears stinging her already sore eyes, she felt no sympathy.
"Natsu, do you still find me sexually attractive." He wasn't going to rob her of this, she was going to get her answers even if she had to tear them from his mouth.
Natsu buckled, earnest eyes searching hers. She didn't know what he was looking for, but she could guarantee that she didn't have it right now. "When you walk into the room, I feel so much love, it feels like fire. When you look at me I smile, and I feel at home. I look at you and I am attracted to you, but it's no longer sexual." He made such ugly noises when he cried, choked sobs and whines.
Lucy sat up, pulling the blankets to her, her eyes shut tight. She couldn't date someone where she lived in doubt of her own sexuality. Everything about the relationship with suffer, everything she held dear to her would gray. "So I guess we're breaking up." She hugged herself, watching him as he peered at her with an unreadable expression on his face. As if he didn't see this coming.
"I guess so." He whispered, standing up from the bed. He was busying himself with packing for the mission that he had booked today.
Lucy avoided looking at him, staring some mission flyers that were scattered in a haphazard pile in the corner of his room. "I don't even know what I have of yours." Lucy realized aloud.
Natsu shrugged. "I don't know either, other than the memory lacrima I had leant to you for a mission a couple months ago."
A twinge spasmed in her stomach. He rattled that off like he had been planning this outcome all along. "Don't worry, you'll get it back." Lucy bit out. She watched him with a mixture of shock and disgust as he zoomed around the room. When he stopped to pick something up, she could just make out the wetness on his cheeks.
He threw the bag by the closed bedroom door, it landed with a thud. He turned to Lucy, and the reality that he would be walking out that door a single man made Lucy's stomach churn.
Natsu, just stood there, shifting awkwardly from foot to foot. "Can I get one last hug?" His voice broke at the end.
Swallowing what little pride she had left, Lucy scooted off the bed, hugging him like she would never touch him again. "Are you sure about breaking up? What about just a break?" She whispered into his neck, pressing herself to him with abandon.
He kissed the top of her head, sniffling. He paused just a moment before responding. "I don't think so, I think we should be completely separated."
"Okay." Lucy whimpered, fisting his shirt. She couldn't breathe, she couldn't think, she just wanted him to stay. Laugh it off like it was a joke all along.
"I just don't want you to hurt because of me anymore, I need to figure out what I want, and Mavis, I want to find my way back to you. But I have to do this."
Lucy nodded, not trusting herself to speak coherently. She took a slow step away from him, his hands linger on her hips a little too long for someone so eager to leave her.
Natsu leaned in, and she didn't turn away. When they kissed it was fire, like it used to be, it sent chills down her back like an icy snowy night. It ended too soon. "I should go." He said, stepping away from her.
"Yeah." She said lamely.
He rushed out of his apartment as if she had unleashed the plague.
When she heard the front door shut she crumbled to the ground in screaming sobs. It felt like when her mother died, but 10 times worse because at least with that, she knew where her mother was, who she was with. She dragged herself into the bed, sobbing into his sheets.
Eventually though, the sheets she once took comfort in smelled too much like him. The thought of being in his room any longer felt no better than walking through a pit of acid. She collected whatever strength she could muster, stumbling her way out of the room, and began the long, bitter walk to her apartment.
Three days. Three agonizing days of no sleep, no eating, and plenty of broken hearted outcries. She hadn't left her apartment since she walked home from Natsu's that morning. Hell, she hasn't even left her bedroom. Her hair was greasy and messy, her skin oily, and she must smell rancid, but all Lucy could think of was Natsu.
Natsu with another girl.
Natsu going out on dates and laughing with other girls.
Natsu hugging and kissing someone else.
Natsu being relieved that she was out of his life.
Natsu being happy without her.
Levy would come over to make her eat something. She never said anything, but Lucy suspected that the little blue haired mage would come over to make sure she was still alive. The night that word had gotten out that they had broken up Levy had all but taken her door off its hinges.
Lucy had opened the door just short of Levy bursting through it. Her small friend's eyes immediately fell to the rag Lucy had wrapped around her wrist. Blood was soaking through, and Levy had grabbed Lucy's arm and unraveled it in a flourish. Lucy had insisted that it wasn't what it looked like, and it really wasn't. She had thrown a framed picture of her and Natsu together—grinning, happy, the perfect couple—onto the ground, and when she was cleaning it up (even devastated, Lucy was no slob), a huge chunk grazed her wrist. Blood had sprung up, dripping onto her pristine carpet. Another stain on her life Natsu couldn't fix.
Lucy suspected that Levy didn't believe her. The other girl's eyes would look her over whenever she visited as if she were a nurse. She would force Lucy to show her the cut, even when Lucy said it was healing fine, Levy would insist.
Still, Lucy looked forward to Levy's visits. When she was there, she could feel herself patching up her wounds. They'd talk about all the things she had ruined for Natsu. Like how he could never go the summer beach resort without thinking of her. Or how Team Natsu would never be the same after Lucy started her new team.
But once Levy left, Lucy was back to ripping up cute photos, beheading the stuffed bears Natsu had given her during their three year anniversary date. She threw out the train ticket for their 100th mission together, and a pair of lacy red underwear he supposedly loved her in. She needed to cleanse herself of him, if she was going to get over him, she needed a clean start.
That didn't stop her from praying that he would scale up her wall at night and tap on her window. It also didn't stop the growing ache in her chest as the hole he left in her grew bigger.
The plastic bag from the grocery store was bulging with Natsu's t-shirts, a pair of sandals, and a towel. Lucy was unsure if she could fit anymore into it. It was perched on the floor, right at the foot of her bed. When she would look away from doing her makeup, it taunted her in the reflection.
The long sleeved shirt she wore was black and low cut, the sleeves covered the scabbing cut on her wrist, as if Natsu would notice anyway. Her jeans were tight, and a little too low waisted, if she bent over she was sure her thong would show. The black boots she wore made her legs look like she were a super model. Give him a glimpse on what he fucked up.
A knock on her front door almost ruined her eyeliner. Ink black liner in hand, she rushed to the front door.
Levy wore a jean skirt that had little ruffles along the edge and a periwinkle off the shoulder shirt that hung in waves over her torso. When she locked eyes with Lucy, it took all of Lucy's strength to not crumble on her friend.
Levy let herself in. "You almost ready?" She asked softly.
Lucy answered, tone soft. "I need to finish my eyeliner, but yes."
"Did you eat anything?" Levy continued her way to the bedroom.
Lucy sighed. "I could only manage half a banana."
Levy shot her a look. "You're going to wither away if you keep eating like that."
Unsure as to what to say, Lucy nodded. In a week Lucy had lost six pounds, and it wasn't through exercise. She felt too frail to even jog.
"Are you going to do it?" Levy pushed on, when Lucy gave her a questioning look she elaborated, "Give him back all the sentimental stuff I mean?"
Lucy nodded, "I've thought about it a lot." She returned to the mirror in her room, pausing to finish the eyeliner wing on her right eye before continuing, "And I can't just give him his stuff back without giving him a taste of the pain I've been feeling. I want him to hurt like I hurt."
Lucy eyed Levy in the mirror, and Levy nodded in approval. "Good. The prick deserves it. To think Natsu, our Natsu could do this to anyone is baffling. Not to mention someone he cares about so much."
Lucy swallowed. Moving on to her other eye. "Maybe he didn't care as much as I cared. Or as much as we thought he did."
Levy clicked her tongue. "Don't say that Lucy, he loves you. He's just a freaking idiot."
Lucy could feel her breath catching. "Well he has a funny way of showing it."
Finishing up her eyes, she put the pencil down. Even with the blush, and the highlighter, she still looked washed out. Her eyes heavy with sleep deprivation, the concealer did nothing to hide her bags.
"I look like shit." Lucy grumbled.
Levy looked about ready to disagree, but Lucy shot her a look. "Yeah you do," Levy said, "But you're allowed to, he should see what he's done to you anyway."
Dragging her feet a bit as she walked, Lucy knelt down in front of her closet, pushing the hems of her dresses out of the way as she dragged her keepsake box out. "I don't want him to see how much he's hurt me though. I'm done being weak for him, I'm done crying for him. And I'm not going to cry in front of him again."
Settling beside Levy on the bed, she opened the keepsake box. It was full to the brim. Little sticky notes clung to the lid, folded notes were lining the sides, and in the middle was just a plethora of junk, some Natsu related, some not.
Levy picked one of the sticky notes off the lid. It was a recent one, from when Natsu had just returned. He had left it on her desk when he left for a day trip with Happy. I love you, cookie! It read in his sloppy scrawl.
"He called you cookie?" Levy asked.
Lucy snatched the blue sticky note from her, and when a fresh tear drop plotted the paper, it shocked her. "Yeah." Lucy deadpanned, throwing it into the clothing bag.
She rummaged through the keepsake box, tossing little nothings into the bag. Then, she came across a bracelet. It was made well, thick silver, with black paint creating an intricate design. In bold lettering Moon of My Life read across the band. He had a matching one, orange paint with My Sun and Stars. Natsu bought it just before he left, saying that when he went on long missions, they would still be connected.
She wore this damn thing so much when he vanished, that most of the paint had worn off. She slipped it into the bag, it felt like she was giving back an engagement ring or something. Sent a pang from her chest to her toes.
The last Natsu related thing in the box was a pile of sticky notes, with favors written on each tiny square of paper.
Flipping through it, she felt a knot forming in her stomach.
1 kiss whenever you want it
1 orgasm whenever you want it
1 heavy makeout whenever you want it
Buy me this now.
Take me out on a date
Anything.
Lucy ripped the Anything from the coupon book, and moved to her writing desk. She began scribbling underneath Natsu's messy handwriting. I wish for you to find what makes you happy, and I'm so SO sad I couldn't be the one that could give you that happiness. Lucy wrote, eyes wet. A tear smeared the black ink of her writing. Lucy didn't care, she thought it was fitting.
She returned to the bed, tucking it into the plastic bag. She threw the remaining sticky notes into the trash bin, which was brimming with stuff that Natsu had given her that she didn't feel like throwing back in his face.
Sitting down again with Levy. "So my plan is to grab my pillow, give him this, hug him, say that although this is ending horrendously, I'll never regret falling for him, then leaving. No crying."
Levy pursed her lips. "But Lucy, I haven't seen Natsu at the guild in days. I can't imagine that it's going to be that easy. He's got to be more upset than you think he is. Natsu isn't one to lock himself away unless something's wrong."
Casting an apprehensive glare at the bag of stuff, Lucy bristled. Natsu brought this unto himself, he practically packed her bags and pushed her out of his life. With every night she spent alone, every forced 'I love you', and every need gone unfulfilled drove her further and further away until it was like he never even returned to Mongolia.
"He doesn't deserve to be upset, he did this to us." Lucy stalked to her writing desk, tugging the chair sideways as she slumped into it. She ruffled through her notebooks until she found a blank page.
"What are you doing?" Levy probed.
"Preparing myself." Lucy's reply was stern as her pen hit the paper. The ink gathered in a pool around the tip of the pen, only growing larger the longer she hesitated.
She felt Levy's presence behind her, as the blue haired mage leaned over Lucy's shoulder. A small hand reassuringly rested at the crook of her neck. "Preparing for what?"
She gripped the pen as if to strangle it. "For when he's all torn up, and I can't explain myself without crying."
"D-Do you plan on leaving?" Levy's voice was laced with uneasiness, she shifted from one foot to the other, no doubt already working out a way to change Lucy's mind.
"Don't worry," Lucy grasped her friend's hand, squeezing it, "I'm not giving up the life I've made here because of a breakup. I just need Natsu to know that I can't be his friend after this."
"Oh," Levy whispered, "How are you going to hang out at the guild then?"
Lucy's grip on Levy's hand tightened when the tight, thorny feeling returned to her throat. She felt herself choking on her own words. "It'll be hard, I'll be evasive for a while, but eventually I like to think I'll be able to ignore him."
The prospect of leaving Natsu behind, the single person her whole world had been built around, made her feel like she was trapped underwater, treading the current, but getting nowhere. A life with no air, no light, just a losing battle against her own fate. Again, her eyes stung with emotion, and as each tear dropped from her eyes, the blank piece of paper was ruined further.
Defeated, Lucy tore the paper out of the notebook, she wasn't going to hand him a tear stained piece of paper. She wanted something crisp, something strong, because damnnit it, she was going to give the final blow. Even if it ripped her heart out in the process.
"Levy," Lucy gushed, voice thick as she hung her head, "I don't know what I want to write."
Levy ran her fingers through Lucy's finely styled hair, musing it slightly. Lucy couldn't find it in herself to care, she was a mess inside, which she was certain was barely concealed on the outside anyway.
When Levy spoke, it was gentle. "You should write the truth. Write what you told me the very first day. Write what you've realized now, and why it won't work now. Write what your heart tells you to write."
Lucy wiped her nose on her sleeve, sniffling. "Okay." She agreed, placing her pen on the new sheet of lined paper. This time, instead of freezing, her hand moved in shaky cursive, and all at once her heart was spilling onto the paper in the form of black ink.
Natsu,
I would have married you. I would have spent the rest of my life devoted to you. I hope you know that, and remember that, as we lead separate lives. I do not love lightly, and I always love permanently. For the rest of my life I will miss the life I could have had with you.
With that being said, I can't put myself through the 'what ifs' anymore. I need someone who will put just as much love and effort as I do into the relationship. I need a man who is not afraid of a comfortable relationship. Natsu, you have a lot of maturing to do, and it kills me that I won't be there to see what type of man you grow to be.
But I can't just wait in limbo for you to figure yourself out, not anymore. So I hope you find your happiness, and I hope that what I lacked, you can find in someone else.
This will be the last time you hear from me, and the last time you'll see me for a long while. I need to move on.
I'm so sorry that this ended this way.
I love you.
Lucy
By the time she had signed her name, Lucy's eyes were bloodshot, cheeks wet, and all the makeup she had painstakingly applied melted into ugly streaks. She wiped at her eyes, resting her head in the palms of her hands as she just let her cries over take her. She couldn't fight them anymore anyway.
Levy, who had been reading over her shoulder the entire time, handed her a tissue. "You're very strong Lucy." Her voice was nasally.
Lucy accepted the wad from her, dabbing her eyes even if it felt useless. "I don't feel it."
Rustling behind her had Lucy peaking over her shoulder. Levy was at her mirror, pulling makeup remover whips from the little blue box they came in. She fixed Lucy with a soft smile, walking over and taking her face into her tiny hands. Levy started to wipe the smears away as she spoke. "Most strong people don't feel it. They just are."
Lucy's mouth stayed clamped shut. She let Levy tilt her head back and forth, and between her heavy eyes, aching body, and broken spirit, Lucy was unsure if she could go through with this.
"Now come on," Levy grasped Lucy's hand, "I told him we would be there at noon, and its 11:30. Let's get this over with."
Levy pulled her up, and Lucy felt shaky on her feet. She turned, eying her note. It was blotched with more tears than she would have liked, but didn't think she would be able to rewrite it any better. She tore it carefully from the notebook, making sure all the edges were smooth.
Folding the note into a tiny square, she tucked into the side of Natsu's plastic bag. Letting her fingers linger on the t-shirts inside for a little too long. "Okay," She turned her gaze to Levy as she snatched her hand away from the soft material of the shirt, "Let's get this over with."
The walk to Natsu's cabin simultaneously took inordinately long, and not long enough. Levy waited by the tree line, leaning up against a healthy, colorful leaf clustered oak tree. She brought a book, but her pensive stare still bore into Lucy's back.
Lucy, to her credit, had somehow managed to keep her eyes dry and chin up as her sluggish steps echoed up the stairs. All the curtains were drawn, no noise came from the house, but Levy insisted that he was home.
Steadying her shaky breathe, she knocked on the door. It felt weird not to just march in and kick her heels off.
"Coming." A muffled voice called, it sounded groggy, a sniffle peaked her interest. There was no way that this selfish prick was already crying, he hadn't even seen her yet, or gotten what she had left in the bag for him.
The door creaked open wide, and there was Natsu. She had thought this moment through over and over. It played in her head like a car crash, abrupt, tragic, and oh so very scary. She would always see this warped version of Natsu, fully composed, demure. He would always make it seem so easy, day dream Natsu would have her stuff ready, he would look like he had cut lose from shackles.
Looking at him now, Lucy almost forgot how to breathe. His eyes were just as red and puffy as hers. His nose irritated and swollen from blowing it into a cheap knock off brand of tissues. He sniffled again, not even trying to hide the heartbreak in his eyes.
Lucy locked her jaw, holding her head up high. Damn straight he should be upset, he blew the one certain thing in his life. With fisted hands she strode through the doorway, facing him, but keeping a good foot between them. She leaned his plastic bag of stuff against the wall, right beside the door.
He shoved the door closed, it clicked shut, but he stared at with the intensity like it like it had grown heads. He fiddled with his shirt, and she noted the burn holes in the thin fabric. Looking around, anywhere but at him, she noted the dirty dishes piling up, the pile of blankets that were almost all but ash, blankets she had most likely given him.
On the table was her pillow, and a small bag of her belongings. She paused on it before shaking her head, and fixing her gaze onto the man in front of her. "Hi." She said, feeling lame.
"Hey." Just with the one word, he oozed wariness.
Lucy gestured to his bag of stuff. "This is everything I think."
He eyed the bag up in down, like it was threatening him. Tearing his gaze away from it, he waved to the bag she had already seen on the table. He didn't say anything though, he just stood there, looking like he was both drowning and melting all at once.
Lucy felt whatever hard wall she had built around her heart start to sway. The steely look she had adapted softened, and she took a baby step towards him, stretching her arms out. It wasn't in her nature to not comfort someone who was obviously suffering, no matter how much she had suffered herself.
Natsu melted into her embrace, and she let her face burrow into the crook of his neck. He held onto her like a lover would, tight and close.
"It's been so hard." He gasped out.
Lucy took a deep, steadying breathe, staring at the wall as she spoke. "Yeah, it has." She droned.
Another sniffle tore through Natsu, and he began to shake in her arms. "Every night I dreamt of you."
Biting her lip, Lucy bristled. At least he was able to sleep. She pushed him to arm's length away, and he grabbed at her arms, hands wrapping around her forearms and a gentle grip. His fingers tickled the underside of her arm, drawing little circles. Lucy swallowed hard, pulling herself away from him as she spoke.
"I'm going to miss you, miss this." She slipped her hands out of his, and they dropped to her sides. Her eyes fell to her heeled boots when Natsu's face began to crumble again.
He seemed like he wanted to say something, but whenever his mouth opened, he'd snap it shut with an auditable pop. He kept running his fingers through his hair, shifting his weight from one side to the other. Lucy sighed, takin in the scent of his home, rustic woods, charcoal, and body odor, marveling at how much she was going to miss the combination.
"Levy's waiting for me." Lucy broke the silence, her voice hoarse and jarring. "I should probably get going."
Natsu's breathe hitched, but again, he remained silent. Lucy's steps stuttered as she moved to collect her stuff from the table, turning her back to him as her lip quivered and her eyes clouded. She took her time looking through the bag of stuff, taking the moment to compose herself.
When she turned around, bag in hand, he was right behind her. She would have jumped if she had not been focusing so hard on keeping her tears from falling.
"Can I get another hug before you go?" Natsu pleaded.
Lucy, being the sap that she was, let him wrap himself around her before she could reply. She was smoldering in his embrace, his emotions flaring up in the form of heated magic, and when she began to push away, so she could breathe again, he puckered his lips, leaning in.
The kiss was chaste, but even still, Lucy could feel his need and love down to her core through the simple touch. If it were not for the snot, it would have been sweet.
Instead of deepening it, like she almost did out of habit, Lucy broke away, kissing him on the cheek as she step away from him. "I guess this is goodbye." Lucy said, her voice betraying her as it shook.
Natsu nodded, and Lucy hiked the bag onto her shoulder. "I left you a note in the bag, and I'm sorry this ended like this." She informed, shuffling to the door.
Her hand paused on the doorknob, and she looked over her shoulder. He was leaning on his ratty couch for support, his eyes pleading with her, but he said nothing. Inwardly she cursed at him. He had the power to stop her, to not let her just walk of his life. Instead he simply just let everything they had burn.
"I love you." She whispered, more to herself, but she knew that his keen hearing picked it up. She didn't wait to see the ripple effect, she slipped out the door, letting it slam shut behind her. She jogged down the steps, and with each step her façade crumbled, and by the time Lucy made it to Levy she was in ruins.
Levy took the bag from her, shouldering it, before taking her into a warm, tight hug. She rubbed circles onto her back, but it did nothing to comfort her. The only thing that could quell her aching heart was either a lot of time, or the stupid fire dragon slayer that tore her apart in the first place. Luckily, Lucy had all the time in the world, because there was no way she was going to let someone hurt her like that ever again.
AN:
So this is an actual thing that happened to me. I was dating this guy for 1.5 years, and we fought up until like two weeks after our 2 year anniversary, which is when we broke up. We had gone through so much shit, and I trusted him more than I trusted myself. The details are a bit warped to fit better with Natsu and Lucy, but for the most part this is exactly what happened.
Although, this is not the true ending to my story, and if you guys are interested I could write a little epilogue that details what happened after Lucy left Natsu's house. I just ended it here because it felt like Lucy's turmoil had been resolved, but there is a little bit more to the story.
Hope you guys enjoyed, and don't forget to review, because there won't be an epilogue unless you guys ask for one!
Also sorry for the delay, I had some pretty intense knee surgery, and I was too drugged up for the past month and a half to watch and retain tv shows, so writing was out of the question!