"Everything about this is terrible. Where did you learn flirting?" The Super Quantum Unit Intel Processor scolded his (in this host it took the form of a he) current host, an absolutely garbage human being known as Jeremy Heere.
"My dad's been sort of hobo-ish since mom left him, and no one who would consider me a "friend" has ever had a relationship, so mostly from video games. I'll show you one when we get home."
"Good. As soon as we get to the bottom of this pitiful display, we can begin to fix everything about you."
"Great." Jeremy's thoughts had a twinge of uncomfortable sarcasm. The SQUIP was fine with it, used to, even, the reluctance to change. His nanocomputer brethren were constantly faced with humanity's adversity as the incomplete often failed to accept their incompleteness. To some there was a certain charm to the inadequacies of humans but The SQUIP had no such feelings towards his host or his host's dingy companions. Video games. What a major nerd. Video games had nothing of value to teach Jeremy that The SQUIP could not teach him in a faster more efficient way. Still, The SQUIP was there to criticize life choices and lead this incomplete mortal by the hand towards much better life choices. So The SQUIP waited patiently while his host booted up his laptop, logged into STEAM and pulled up a video game that could only be equated to mouth vomit.
"Earlier, when you picked out the girl's shirt for yourself, I gave you the benefit of the doubt. I thought it was an accident. Or a fluke. Now I can see you are the person who would make those life choices for yourself. What is this game? Everything about it screams sickly sweet and girly. If you ever had a man card you immediately lose it from playing Doki Doki Literature Club."
"Hey, it's a good game with thoughtful dialogue."
"Half of this dialogue is dot dot dot, and the other half is about cupcakes and kawaii."
"The characters are well thought out." Jeremy argued stubbornly as he played his ridiculous game.
"Jeremy, I sensed a quickened heart rate when the purple haired character came on screen. You realize she is not real, that all of her responses are pre-written? Brooke, Chloe, Christine, those girls are real."
"Her name is Yuri."
"Yuri and Yuri's breasts are not real."
"Just let me play the game."
"Fine. I can't wait to see how this pathetic time waster helps you talk to real live girls." As The SQUIP watched his host play the frivolous game he began to realize that things were not quite alright. There were the three, Yuri, Sayori, Natsuki and then there was Monika.
"Why can't you woo the club president?" The SQUIP asked with curiosity.
"I don't know. She's different."
"Well, that's obvious. She's the only one who has a name that doesn't end with i."
"Oh. Yeah, I guess you're right. I never noticed."
"Of course you didn't, all you notice are the dot dot dots." He could feel his host's cheeks redden.
"Do not blush, you're not a child." He pointed out sharply, intently studying the club's president.
"This game is from Japan?"
"It's from Japan. Or, at least, I think it is."
"It really is garbage. This isn't how you flirt. You treat your supposed best friend like garbage and it's clear there's something wrong with Sayori."
"What do you mean?"
"Oh you'll figure it out. I don't need to spoon feed you everything."
"Is it weird that I haven't seen Michael today?"
"Look, it's Yuri." Jeremy turned back to the game, but it kept getting weirder. The nitwit didn't notice anything out of the ordinary, as he was increasingly occupied by what somehow passed as gameplay, but The SQUIP knew irregularities in machines. This game was either haunted or sentient. Monika was looking at him.
"Pull up the game files for this game." He instructed, having a feeling they would soon get a clue.
"No, that's dumb. I don't have to hack my way into getting a girlfriend."
"Jeremy, by using a Super Quantum Unit Intel Processor you are essentially hacking reality for that very purpose."
"I am not going to hack the game. It's just gotten good."
"Nothing has happened yet. You keep reopening saves and replaying your favorite parts." Jeremy ignored The SQUIP, but that was foolish, The SQUIP would have his way.
"Jeremy, don't you think Monika is flirting with you?"
"No, she's not important. I can't try to win her favor."
"I wish I could know that you were not this clueless and pitiful in reality. Unfortunately I know the truth." There is only one girl in this entire game who actually seems to be interested in you. Do you know who that is?"
"Yuri, obviously."
"No you absolute piece of garbage, Yuri's affection is in the script. Monika is different."
"What is your deal with Monika? I didn't pay 400 dollars for you to tell me who to like in a videogame."
"I don't care if you're more attracted to large breasts and the script written by someone in Japan who thinks you're a sucker-"
"Why would someone in Japan think I'm a sucker?"
"Because everyone thinks you're a sucker Jeremy."
"Not Michael. Hey, do you think it's okay I left the mall without Michael?"
"Oh my word what just happened to Sayori?" The SQUIP had noticed characteristics in Sayori similar to those who had depression, but he thought this twist was a little unorthodox for a dating sim. Confirming once more that this was not in fact a normal dating sim.
"Monika is behind this."
"That's a little insensitive, Sayori was depressed."
"Sayori was a script, what dating sim have you ever played that had a character off themselves."
"Okay, you may have a point. What are you suggesting?"
"Monika is sentient. And in love with you."
"Someone's into me? For real?" His heart beat quickened.
"Yes, a serial killer. Open the game files." Jeremy finally listened, and what they found was disturbing and fear confirming.
"I don't think I'll learn flirting from this game." Jeremy mumbled.
"Your chances seem better with a person." The SQUIP agreed, though intrigued and interested in another sentient program.
"Should I delete the game?" Jeremy sounded frantic.
"No, no... Let's keep playing. It's just gotten interesting."