Auther's Notes: This is a stupid fanfic that is ment to be a stupid fanfic. It is a PARODY of stupid fanfics. Got it? And the bad spelling and grammer is intentional, my friend.
About this story: When "The Weasley Twins's Joke" first came out on the Director wanted it to be much longer, more interesting, and with lots more action. However, the studio wouldn't allow anything over 463 words. But now, you can see the classic story the way it was ment to be seen. With more action, more suspense, and more fun!
THE WEASLEY TWINS'S JOKE: DIRECTOR'S CUT
It was morning at the Weasley's house.
Harry and Hermione had arived two days ago. Tomorrow was Bill and Fleer's wedding.
"It's tomorrow!" Said Fleer, to Bill that morning. "Just one more night of sleeping in deferrent beds."
Ginny looked so disgusted, it looked as though she had vomoted out some of her intestings.
"Oh, YEAH!" Said Bill, tearing the meet off of a living skunk with his teath. He hadn't been exactly, well, himself since he was bitten by a real live warewolf.
Fleer winked sexley at Bill, like the devil she was.
To Harry's surprise, Mrs. Weasley didn't seem to mind too much Fleer's presence. Women were very strange, indeed.
However; Ginny, Hermione, Fred, and George still seemed very annoid by her.
Later on that day, Harry could hear Fred and George talking about some sort of prank they could play.
"But what if he doesn't find them?" Said either Fred or George.
"Then our little joke is failed." Said George, though I suppose it could have been Fred. "And knowone will know we tried to concocked it, still."
"But what if he doesn't get to them in time? What if mum's real angrey about him missing?"
"Then we get her another one. We can now easly get a far, much, better one."
"What if they send him back with a message to say and mum meets with him before us?"
"Dunno. I guess we're going to have to take our chances, then. We're entering deep danger if we go any further."
Both of them laughed, grinned and laughed again.
"Let's do it!", They said, clashing two mugs of butter beer and drinking hartley.
Before going to bed, Harry could hear Ginny shouting in rage about Fleer, and Hermione teaching her new profanities to say.
Harry learned all kinds of new wizarding words to use.
Harry tossed and turned in bed. Things kept burdening his mind.
"But what if he doesn't find them"
"Then no one will know we tried to concocked it"
"What if they send a letter back saying what we tried to do. And mom finds out"
"We're entering deep danger if we go any further"
"Let's do it!"
"Let's do it!"
"Let's do it!"
"Let's do it!"
"We're entering deep danger if we go any further."
"LET'S DO IT!"
MUG CLANK
MUG CLANK
"LET'S DO IIIIIIT!"
SLUUURP!
"LET'S DO IT!"
"LET'S DO IT!"
"LET'S DO IT!"
"Let's do it, Harry!"
Harry gasped.
Cold sweat was running down his head.
There was Ron, looking confused.
"Are you ready to get ready for Bill's wedding or not?" He asked, "Todays the day."
"Todays the day!" Sang Fleer at breakfast.
Even Ron could be heard muttering darkly.
"Well, we better get going!" Said Mrs. Wealey. "Pumkin joice, Bill?"
"Fire whiskey" Requested Bill, his hair standing straight up as though he had just seen a warewolf.
Harry assumed this was because he had just looked in the mirror.
"Eat up!" said Mr. Weasley, looking at his watch. "Murder Percy! It's almost time for us to be there!"
Mr. Weasley had gotten into a habbit of using Percy's name whenever he felt like swearing.
Everyone began eating quicker.
Bill skipped breakfast and just ate the table.
"House elf kidneys make me burp alot." He explained.
Hermione gasped and placed her hand on her wand, appearntly planning on murdering Bill on the spot.
Anything about house elfs made Hermione's brain go crazy.
But Ron placed a hand also on Hermione's wand.
Harry could sense sexuel tension between them, seeing how her wand was in the back pocket of her jeans.
"Hurry up, avata kadavra Percy!" Shouted Auther Weasley.
Harry was glad Mr. Weasley hadn't been holding his wand at the time.
Soon, everyone was ready.
Hermione and Ginny were argueing about whether Ginny should be aloud to shout "I object!" when the moment was right.
"We're going by singed along aperision, or however you spell that mother of a Percy word!" Said Mr Weasley.
"Sorry, Moly." He added, seeing her glair. "Each take the other's arm. I'm so glad we arn't going by mother Percying flu powder! Sorry, Molly, it just sort of slips out."
They all took someone else's arm.
Mr. Weasley opened a small container and put two purple pills into his mouth.
"What's that?" Asked Mrs. Weasley. "Muggle medication? What does it do, enlarge your prostate?"
"I think it's supposed to lower your blood pressure." Said Mr. Weasley.
"And what do muggle's know about blood pressure?"
"You'de be surprised how much muggle's know these days, Molly."
Before Molly could argue, he took Bill and Charley's arms.
If people could be strangled by how tight someone held their arm, Mr. Weasley would probably be dead.
Harry thought he heard what sounded like bones cracking as Bill squeezed Mr. Weasley's hand still tighter.
Harry was between Fred and George.
"Soon we're going to find out if our little prank worked!" Said Fred to George (or the other way around).
"Yeah!" Said the other Weasley twin to the other.
Just then, Harry remembered what he had over heard the previouse day, why he had had such a bad sleep the previous night. It was all because of this prank, and the prank was going to be at the wedding. The wedding they were going to.
Just then, Harry felt the sickning sansation of signed along apperition and stopped thinking about this joke Fred and George were playing.
Harry found himself stairing at a church.
They all entered.
All the Weasleys were there, except for Percy.
"So, when do you think they'll come?" Asked Fred or George.
"You mean, if they come, mate!" Said the other.
Harry felt in desperit need of an asprin.
What was going on?
What were Fred and George up to?
Why was he worrying about it so much?
An hour latter, they all sat down.
A course of frogs were croking "Here comes the Bride".
Then, they saw Fleer.
She ran down the ile to meet Bill.
The House Elf Parson walked up to them.
"Does this young sir take this miss to be his lawfully wedded wife? In good times and summer? In winter and in spring? In sadness and in sorrow? In sickness and in madness? In bad bites and good bites? In health and fitness? During murders and wrong doings? In old age and in stupidity? In imagination and in reality? In the living room and in the bedroom? Outdoors and indoors? Vacation and wroking hours? Day and night? Fantasy epics and chick flicks? Sea food and carrots? Baths and showers? Chevys and Pontiacs? And, boy, am I tired!"
"You got it, minnie man!" Said Bill, getting his cool rep back.
"And do you, Miss, take this Bill guy to be your something something something something something something something something something something something something?"
"I do." Said Fleer, tears of joy seen from behind the flowers she was holding. "And much more."
"Then," Said the House Elf. "I think I'll go get myself a stiff drink."
The two paused.
"I guess you can kiss her now." Said Mr. Weasley, shrugging. "What a cheap ceremony, Percy it!"
Bill kissed Fleer.
Bill almost ate her face. Litterally.
Fleer turned to everyone else and threw the flowers, and they landed between Ron and Hermione.
They both laid a hand on them. But then,
CRACK!
12 Deatheaters appeard.
Fred and George fell down laughing at their joke.
"There's no Slughorn here" said one of them.
"Let's go!" said another.
CRACK!
They were gone.
Harry laughed, too. It was a funny joke.
"We just told Arrow to send a letter saying that Slughorn would be here and he found them and they fell for it!" explained maybe Fred, petting Arrow fondly. He had apparenly taken Arrow to the wedding.
CRACK!
A deatheater reappeard.
"Ooooooh, your sexy!" He said to Fleer.
CRACK!
Another deatheater reappeard.
"Let's go! Or I'll tell the Dark Lord.", He said.
"I'm coming" said the other.
CRACK!
The first Deatheater was gone.
The other was about to go when his eyes met Arrow's.
CRACK!
He left. But then,
CRACK!
All the deatheaters reappeard.
They all pointed there wands at Arrow.
"Avata Kadavra!" they all shouted in unisen.
12 jets of green light hit Arrow in the chest.
The owl died.
"Why, you bloody bastard!", Shouted Fred or George.
"Which one of them said that?", Asked one of the Deatheaters.
"Let's just kill em' both!" Said another.
"O-kay!" Said the first.
They all pointed their wands at the twins.
"No!" Shouted Ginny.
"AVATA KADAVRA!" They all shouted.
Six jets of green light wooshed toward each of the Weasley Twins.
But, then, Ginny tried to jump infront of them.
"No!" Cried Harry.
Four jets of green light hit Ginny instead of the twins.
Ginny fell down dead.
"NOOOOOOOO!" Cried Harry.
"She died to save us, Fred." Said presumably George.
"Kinda." Said who was probably Fred.
Before the other twin could ask what he ment, the question was answered for him.
The other six jets of green light hit the Weasley Twins.
They fell down dead.
"No!" Cried Harry. "I'll kill you all!"
Harry roared up his hatred engine as he took out his wand.
"Avata Kadavra!" He shouted, the room smoking from the rage he was feeling.
A jet of green light hit one of the Deatheaters.
"Oh, no!" Said the Deatheater. "Oh, no! No. No, no, no, NOOOOOOOO! I can't die! I don't want to die! Oh, noooo. Tell my wife and kids I love them. If I ever had a wife and kids, tell them know I love them."
There was silince for a long time. Then the Deatheater who was dying realized something.
"Hey! That kid doesn't know how to Avata Kadavra someone." He said jesturing with his wand.
"Ah!" Cried another Deatheater, falling to the ground dead because the other Deatheater had unintentionally Avata Kadavrad him.
"Sorry." Said the no longer dying Deatheater. "ANYway, if I was dying, I'de already be dead like poor Pluto here."
He jestered to the already dead Deatheater who was aparently named Pluto.
"Anyways,", He continued. "Let's kill the boy!"
"That's not what's going to happen." Said Harry, his blood boiling over with anger.
"Let's find out!" Said another Death Eater.
Harry's mind was like a burning rainforrest, or a valcanic mountain. He tried hard to think of something cool to say.
"Well," Said Harry, feeling awkered, "You've tried to kill me a lot, haven't you? Well, all of those times, you haven't succeded, have you? Well, that's because I have good luck, isn't it? Well, let me ask you this. Do you feel lucky?"
Harry's anger was starting to melt him.
"WELL DO YA?!" He shouted at the top of his lungs for the unteenth time, "DO YA PUNK?!?!"
The other Deatheaters blinked.
"I feel lucky." Said a voice.
A voice so disgusting.
A voice so horrorfying.
A voice so hiddious.
A voice that made Harry explode, burn up, and explode again with rage and hatred and anger and longing to kill and hatred.
A voice that was... greasy.
And slimey.
It was the voice of Severus Snape.
Harry stood there, spitting, melting, exploding, burning up, dying, killing, HATING.
Harry hated Snape more than anyone.
More than anything.
His hatred for Snape next to even his hatred for Voldemort was like compairing a tiny grain of salt to the planet Jupitar.
His hatred for Snape, of course being Jupitar.
Harry thought his head might explode.
"Why," Said Snape, calmly, "If it isn't Potter, the mother mudblood. Yes, Potter, it was I who recieved that stupid owl."
Harry lifted his wand, he hated Snape SO much. He had to kill Snape. He HATED Snape!
"Avata Kadavra!" Harry shouted, "Crusio, crusio, crusio, crusio, avata kadavra, exspelly armos, crusio, exepcto potronis, leathal snapis, killis severus, smashy deatheater, ices princess, fatal half blood!"
Snape had effortlessly deflected all of the spells.
"Your stupid, Potter."
Harry thought he couldn't hate Snape more. But when he called him 'Stupid', his hatred seemed to double.
Just then, CRACK!, Voldemort appeared.
"What's going on?" He asked, evil slits throbbing. "Harry Potter. We meet, again."
"Kill me then!" Spat Harry.
"Oh, no, Harry," Said Voldemort, "I like hurting you, and I want to go on hurting you."
"Why?!" Asked Harry, dumbly.
"Why?!" Asked Voldemort, his eyes jolting. "It is a long story. But I can fit it into two songs, I think."
He cleared his throat, and began to sing in tune to little Steevey Wonder's "I was made to lover her".
I was born in alabama,
went through orphanage mania,
I was always steelin' yo-yos, pots, and pans!
I scared everyone at the muggle school,
could make em' hurt if I wanted to.
I knew I was specieal, even then!
I found out I was a wiiizard,
made friends who liked pulling out giiizards.
And I told them time, and time, again!
I was made to be evil,
Ain't it one big thrill!
Heeeeeeeeey! Heeeeeeeeeeeeeey! Hey!
I went into the world as an orphan.
Killed my uncle, named Morphin
To get the locket I deserved!
I then found some old hack
Killed her, and made a horocracks!
And I grew more powerful through the years!
I was made to be evil!
Take pleasure in the kill!
Heeeeeeeeeeey! Heeeeeeeeeeeeeey! Hey!
I was made to be cruel,
You Know Who ain't no fool!
Heeeeeeeeeey! Heeeeeeeeeey! Hey!
"That's bullfrog shit!" Said Harry, "You can't be made to be evil!"
But Voldemort had already struck up a new tune.
You, Harry Potter, almost killed me!
Made me retreat to some creepy forrest, you see!
These sorts of things make already bad people mad!
That's why I think I'll make Harry saaaaaaaaad!
I'm stepin' to the darkside!
It's gunna be a mean ride!
Step into the darkside!
Step into the darkside!
Step into the daaarksiiiiiide!
"So, um," Said Voldemort, sounding imbarest, "What did you think of my singing voice?"
"It was high." Said Harry, "And cold. But I think it suits you."
Voldemort looked as though he couldn't handle a compliment.
"Anywho," He said, his pale face blushing,"Whipe them out... All of them. Except precious Potter, of course."
"Hey, I give you a bigger compliment than Amercan Idol would, and this is what I get?!"
Voldemort disappeared.
The Deatheaters shot spells, killing people by the dozens.
"Take that, vellia bitch!" Shouted one, and Fleer was blasted into oblivion. Only her wedding dress left.
Bill got so angery, he was able to transform and roll out as a real warewolf.
"Warewolfs." Muttered Snape, "Why did it have to be warewolfs?"
Snape disapperated.
"No!" Cried Harry, he shot several death curses in his hatred at where Snape was.
"Ah!" Cried Charley. And died.
Aparently Harry's hatred for Snape was great enough to kill anyone, now.
Bill devalered Mrs. Weasley.
Just then, a dragon flew in, aparently upset Charley had been killed.
It crunched Bill the warewolf.
Harry thought of Snape as he lifted his wand. "Avata Kadavra!"
The dragon blew up.
It's hongarion horns fell down and crushed Flear's little sister.
"All this makes me really need some muggle cold medicine." Said Mr. Weasley.
But he had magically inhanced the pill, which had actuely caused it to give Mister Weasly an instantly deadly cald the instant he put it in his mouth.
Auther Weasley died right as the frog quire croaked.
"No!" cried Harry. He loved frogs.
He lifted his wand, again, and thought of the prince's bloody spell.
It hit Ron, by accident.
"No!" Harry cried.
"Ah." Cried Ron, "Bloody fuck! Curse you, Harry!"
Right as Ron died, a curse walked out of Ron's wand.
It snuck up behind Hermione.
"I'll go easy on you." It said with Ron's barbaric voice.
It caught Hermione by the bushy hair and devarered her.
It was then destroyed along with Hermione.
"No!" Cried Harry.
CRACK!
The deatheaters were gone. And Harry was alone.
He left, and aperated on his own.
They held there funeral at the Order of the Phoenix.
They were all crying; Creature was dancing.
Even Percy was there.
"This was a sad day for all of us." Said Percy, stating the obvious, as usual.
Later on that day, Harry saw Creature, again.
He was still dancing. And now singing.
"Creature has a secret." He sang, "A dirty little secret! Dirty secret! Dirty little secret!"
"What secret?" Asked Harry.
"If Creature told you," Said the dirty little house elf, "It wouldn't be a secret. A dirty little secret!"
"I own you, you bastard!" Said Harry. "So I order you to tell me your dirty little secret. How dirty is it anyway?"
"Dirtier than prostitutes!" Bragged the house elf. "But Creature will tell Master, is Master thinks he's ready to know how dirty it goes."
"I'm ready." Said Harry, longing for amusment. Perhaps Creature had a one night stand with Hermione, or something. No. Creature would never concent.
"Creature saw the other blood traitor. Percy Weazy. And Creature heard him talking to the fire. Huh, Creature says to himself. What's filthy little blood traitor doing, Creature wonders. Yes. Creature does."
"What did he say?" Asked Harry.
"He was talking to several people", Said Creature, "He first talked to his bros. Fred and George weezy. 'Oh,' Percy says to them, 'Why don't you find some way to get them there.' He says. 'That will really anger them, and disrupt the wedding without causing any damage.' 'But what if,' Asked one the twins. 'What if they kill someone in annoyence.' 'Oh,' Says Percy, 'They won't. They would never kill someone without the dark lords orders. Why don't you send the owl to Sveverus Snape.' This doesn't make much sense to Creature, because Creature has heard people hear talking about how the deatheaters will whipe out anyone who does as much as stands up to them."
Harry left, in anger.
"Creature's dirty little secret!" Harry could hear the House Elf singing.
"Hello, Potter." Said Percy, later on.
"I think you knew about this." Said Harry, "I think you wanted to kill of your family to get more attention."
"Okay, whatever the muted! I killed them. But it wasn't my idea!"
"Who's was it then?" Asked Harry, hoping it was Snape's.
"I am not going to say nothing."
"You just said 'nothing'."
"What?"
"Nevermind."
Harry went back to visit Creature.
"Creature." He said, "I want you to tell me who else Percy talked to that night."
"Creature won't say." Said Creature, through the darkness, "Creature's only going to tell you if your on the right track. Just follow the money, Creature says to master."
"How high up?" Asked Harry.
"All the way," Said the house elf, before he could stop himself.
Srimjore.
To get people crazier about the war.
Harry visited Moody.
"I think there maybe another person involved." Said Harry.
Instantly, Harry remembered why Mad-eye was named MAD-eye. Moody pinned him to the wall.
"Who is it?!" He asked, "Who is it?! Tell me, so I can muted kill the mother muted!"
"It was just a thought." Said Harry, not wanting Moody to try anything stupid.
"You know how I get." Shrugged Moody, walking off.
He then turned around, as though thinking the other person involved was Harry.
He lifted something in his hand, and pointed it at Harry.
"Avata Kadavra!" He shouted.
Nothing happened, because nothing was in Moody's hand.
"That wasn't very muted funny!" Said Harry. "Bloody fmuted!"