Don't Say It!
A Crackfic by Ellf
Pre-note: I can't believe I'm even writing this. I don't even think it's that funny. But here goes.
Furinkan High School has one mandatory camping trip every year, and the classes are required to work together to set up their camps. Upon setting them up, there is another tradition that comes about, one imported from America. The time to tell spooky stories.
For Furinkan Class 1-F, being in the middle of the woods was no weirder than a normal school day. Miss Hinako sat in front of the campfire, roasting a marshmallow. The strange thing about that was that she was in adult form, having drained Kuno Tatewaki as he attempted to rush his loves/defeat the foul sorcerer.
"Ranma, it's your turn to come up with a scary story." Hinako pointed to him. "If you don't, I'll have to consider you a delinquent."
Ranma, in female form, glanced up from the heating kettle over the fire. "All right, if I gotta. Now listen up all o' ya, because I ain't gonna say this story twice."
Ranma stood so the fire reflected off her eyes. "The story begins some time ago, on a night just like this. Some kids were camping in the woods, much like we are. Now this was a brave group of kids, martial artists, all o'em. Not nearly as skilled as me, but who is?" There was a collective groan from the rest of the class that was quieted as Ranma flared her aura. "Then they received a phone call, and they found out something so terrible... so horrifying... that I can barely stand to say it."
The class leaned in to listen as Ranma made this proclamation. "Rumiko Takahashi is planning on continuing Inuyasha, and the latest demon they have to face is... Akane's cooking."
Several screams echoed throughout the class but none so loud as the cry of "Ranma, you JERK!" as the sound of wood impacting flesh resounded around the fire. Ranma went flying into Low Earth Orbit.
The class of Furinkan 1-F started to return to their tents.
******************************
Ranma was flying through the air, for some reason this was fun. She wasn't looking forward to the landing though. Ranma crashed through several branches and wound up head on the ground in front of a man dressed in an American police uniform. Nothing else stood out about him, other than he was leaning on the door of an American police car and holding a steaming kettle.
"Hey, Ranma. Thought you could need this."
"Thanks Inspector Cosgrove." Ranma took the kettle and poured it over her head, returning to male form.
"Want to go check out the Okonomiyaki Festival?"
"Would I!?!"
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In tent two, Hiroshi was shaken awake by his best bud, Daisuke. "Oi, Hiro, I got a question for you."
"What is it, Dai?"
"You think Takahashi ever would continue Inuyasha?'
"Nah, there's like laws against it or something. Now if you want to hear about something really scary, I read on the Internet about this American boogeyman that comes when you say his name."
"Oh, you mean like how it's never a good idea to say the old perv's name?"
"Exactly. We should never say the name of Candle Jack."
"Candle Jack? You sure that this is real, not some American silly thing?"
"Oh, I don't know... Do I look real to you?" A floating man in a grey hood with a mouth and white eyes stitched onto it was inside their tent. Both boys looked at each other and screamed.
"IT'S CANDLE JACK!"
In another tent awoke Yuka and Sayuri. "Yuka, who's Candle Jack?"
"I have no clue who Candle Jack is."
"He... is me..." The phantom's stitched grin seemed to get wider as he pronounced, "I may need a bit more rope."
The girls screamed out "HELP! We're being taken!"
***************
Most of the class had been taken by the phantom, and they were currently tied up in the center of camp. Kuno Tatewaki stood up, having finally recovered his stamina from the drain earlier.
"You! Foul Demon! Obviously you have been sent by the sorcerer Saotome to ensnare my loves for his evil scheme! Have at thee, Candle Jack!"
Inexplicably, moments later, Kuno joined the class in the knots tied around them. Out of nowhere Ryoga showed up. "Don't worry Akane-san, I'll save you. Candle Jack! Prepare to-"
Ryoga too was tied up.
*****************
Meanwhile at the Okonomiyaki convention, Ranma and Cosgrove were enjoying some delicious Okonomiyaki.
"Hey, this stuff is pretty good." Ranma said as he wolfed down his food.
"That it is, but don't you think you should be getting back to the camp now?" Cosgrove said in his usual way.
"Why?" Ranma looked puzzled.
"That spooky ghost guy has Akane and the rest of your class all tied up and ready to be taken." Cosgrove shrugged.
"Guess I should go then. Thanks for the fun time, Inspector Cosgrove." Ranma leaped to the nearest roof and began hopping towards the campsite.
***********************
In the middle of the campsite was the entirety of Class 1-F, tied up and floating. There were some additions to the class. Shampoo had come looking for Ranma. Mousse followed Shampoo. Kodachi tried to help her brother. All were tied up now.
"What do you plan on doing with us, you pervert!" Akane was seeing red.
"I have no idea, I've never had so many people at once. Except that one time." The phantom looked pensive at that, a small frown on his stitched smile. "But that was then, this is now. Hold still, I'll be back with more rope."
Ranma landed in the center of the campsite and looked at the Phantom. "Well, if it isn't-"
"NO!" came from the tied up class.
"Well if it isn't..."
"NO!" the class repeated. "Don't say his name, Ranchan!"
"What, I was only going to say "Well if it isn't.... isn't..." Err... it occurs to me that I have no idea who you are. What, are you some magical prince or something here to kidnap the tomboy? If so, prepare to be stomped. Her dad'll kill me if anything happens to her. "
The phantom sweatdropped. Someone didn't know who he was? Well, he'd have to correct that. "Boy, my name combines two terms. One of which I am holding and the other is a diminutive of Johnathan."
"Rope Jim? People Jill? Sandra Bullock?"
"It's CANDLE JACK! You insufferable man!"
"I'm sorry, I didn't quite catch that."
"My name is CANDLE JACK! And I just said my name... I guess I must take myself."
And so Candle Jack disappeared, not taking any of Furinkan's class 1-F with him, and the likes of he was never seen again in Nerima.
"Oh, now I get it, your name was Candle Jack!"
The End?
Author's notes: I'm not a very good humorist, but this idea wouldn't leave me alone for a while. I'll get better with practice, and who knows, maybe one day I'll write a successful humor story. In the meantime, watch for the next chapter of Two Halves, One Power. It's coming soon. What do you mean that I said Candle Jack? It's not like he's real or