Author: Ozluv04
Disclaimer: All the characters belong to the illustrious Ms. Rowling. I'm only borrowing them for the purpose of angst.
Warning: HBP spoilers within. Read at your own risk. Also slash and mild het sexual content.
A/N: So, Ms. Rowling is trying to convince me S/R aren't canon is she? She should have known R/S shippers wouldn't give up that easily. This is angsty, a little morbid, but not Tonks bashing.Honestly, she can't help it if she wandered into the contrived plot point. This is my first posted fic in this fandom. I hope it meets approval. Enjoy!
"You deserve someone young and whole", Remus had said that night. The night Tonks could no longer hold back her love for him. Young and whole.
Now, two weeks later, Remus sat in a dark room watching Nymphadora Tonks sleep peacefully in a bed a few feet away from him. Her vivid pink hair a stark contrast to the snowy white sheets.
He knew she would wake soon and beckon him back to bed. He dreaded the moment.
Tonks was a remarkable young woman. Remus had always been fond of her, loved her even. Only never like this. He had never imagined her body beneath his, her fingers in his hair, or her lips roaming his skin. His relationship with her had always been a chaste one. Something like friends. He wasn't in love with her now, and he was disgusted with himself for pretending to be.
He meant what he said. Young and whole, that's what she needed. Remus Lupin was no longer young. Lycanthropy had taken its tole on him, leaving him aged prematurely. More than that, life had been cruel. The never ending sea of losses had robbed him of the last vestiges of his youth.
He hadn't been whole for quite some time and he was aware that he would never be whole again.
All he could offer Tonks were pieces. Tiny little shards of himself left behind by the man who took the parts that made him solid. She deserved so much more than scraps. But that was all he had left. That was all Sirius Black had left him with.
If only he didn't live in fear of disappointing the people around him, he could have found his voice that night. He could have told that room full of mournful, expectant faces that he had nothing real left to give the woman standing before him. The woman clinging to his robes, begging him to be in love with her. But in that way he had always been a coward. He could not say no. He could not speak the truth. Besides, Sirius was gone. Dead.
The word still chilled him. In the darkness, he didn't try to suppress the shiver. He supposed it didn't matter much anymore. The war would be culminating soon. Harry was chasing answers, hurtling towards the inevitable. Remus had resolved himself to the fact that he could not stand between Harry and Voldemort, but nothing would stop him from standing beside him. Somehow he felt sure that in the end he would be another casualty in this war. The thought cheered him slightly. He could give Tonks his last few days, as long as he could soon give Sirius his eternity.
He knew he was being morbid, but what did it matter as long as the thought kept him going?
Tonks stirred finally. Waking to find him absent from her side. As he predicted she called out to him. Her hand groping in the dark. He came to her, and laced his fingers with hers. He pulled her to his chest and stroked her hair. He murmured words of comfort in her ear. She responded with soft laughter and gentle murmurs of her own. She clung to him, almost as if realizing he was thinking of somewhere else. Soon she was slipping under him, tangling her hand in his graying hair and kissing her way delicately down his neck. Her fingers tracing the same scars, Sirius had so lovingly traced. Remus shut his eyes and allowed himself to drown in her.
Soon she was curled against his side, sleeping once again. He lied awake staring into the darkness. He hoped he would die before he broke her heart. It was selfish, perhaps the most selfish thought he had ever had. He knew if he died and left her alone, she would be left with pieces just like he had been. She had given him her heart, just as he had given his to Sirius.
He would rather rob her of being whole with his death, than to watch her shatter in front of him.
He knew he would never breath the truth to her. He would pretend he loved her, he would give her the rest of his life if it was what she wanted. But he could never give her what he lost behind the veil. She would have to make do with the pieces.